Mad props to Al Lowe for her excellent work last week. She's over at Deadwood now, recapping the polar opposite of this show. Except for the whoring.
Previously, I sent the following email to Al Lowe: "The episode hasn't ended yet, and I missed the first twenty minutes, but that Marry Me, Bill speech had me in tears. I, too, love that song, and always wanted to find a Bill. And then that's such the kind of thing Stee would say to me, letting me call him 'Bill' so that could be our song for one night. And the 'once removed' lecture, Djb just gave me, almost verbatim, a couple of days ago. And Rory pulling Logan into a room, just as Lorelai would have done with Christopher twenty years ago...anyway, I'm having a good time watching a show without having to worry about when I was going to watch it again in slow motion. That's never happened before with this show, and it really makes just watching the show much more enjoyable. Have fun! -p"
And still, here I am. We start exactly the second we left off last week, with the photographer preserving the worst moment in Gilmore history. Lorelai grabs her bag and heads out. Rory follows her, asking if she's okay and if they're okay. Lorelies that everything's great, and that she's just going to leave immediately, before the cake, for no real reason, and don't sweat it, honey, go sleep with that blond boy. Rory is, I believe, wearing the same tie Stee wore at our wedding. Lorelai tells Rory that she should go back in and have fun, since Luke is "just bringing the car around." Once Rory takes off, Lorelai orders a cab. The photographer tells Lorelai he'd love to "get a few more shots in." Lorelai looks at him and says, "Yeah, so would I." She leaves, and the photographer gets his AFTRA card.
This scene is so dumb that it's tempting to skip it entirely and pretend it never happened. Cesar -- the young, Hispanic one who isn't an older Asian one -- is eating pie and listening to "Tequila," perpetuating the fat, lazy Mexican stereotype. He begs Lorelai not to tell Luke that he's sitting around eating pie, taking naps, and listening to the radio instead of working. All of this is in the service of Lorelai's figuring out that Luke isn't there, and so that Lorelai to judge Cesar for eating pie out of the tins, as if Lorelai doesn't do that every night she stays over, either.
Lorelai runs into Babette and the elusive Morey. Lorelai asks if they've seen Luke. "Uh-oh," Morey moans. Babette realizes that Luke and Lorelai aren't together after attending the Gilmore Wedding Renewal Thing, and concludes: "Uh-oh." So does Morey. Lorelai says that she and Luke just aren't together at the moment. "Uh-oh." It's like an episode of Teletubbies. Mr. And Mrs. Foreshadowing reminds Lorelai that Taylor has all these contingency plans for the town if Luke and Lorelai ever split up, and if there's a problem, Taylor's going to spring right into action. "Big anal creep," Babette spits. Stee begs me to name my recap "Big Anal Creep." Lorelies. Babette and Morey leave to the closing strains of "Tequila." Lorelai calls Luke's cell phone and stammers out a message. In the background, Cesar dances to "Under the Boardwalk." Not "La Cucaracha," Daniel? Thought that might be overkill?
Rory comes home and sees that her message board is empty. This is unacceptable to a Gilmore Girl, so she immediately engages the Foley artist for Track Three: "Opening Door (Chamber Sound)." She wakes Paris out of deep slumber. Paris wants Rory to bite her. In fact, all of the messages were from people calling to ask Rory to bite her. Rory says that Paris isn't a reliable message leaver, and now thinks Paris is withholding information because she's mad that Rory woke her up. Paris sits up and says, "Oh, my God! You're annoying tonight." Tonight? She looks over Rory's outfit and asks, "What's with being all k.d. lang?" Rory says she was the Best Man. "Are they kinky, or something?" Paris asks. Rory pouts that it was "cute." Paris asks the name of the boy Rory is clearly obsessing over. Rory tries to lie, but we all know how good that goes. Paris flings herself out of bed, furious with Rory for waking her up. "You owe me Boggle. Boggle!" Rory and Paris argue like Stee and I do. (I'm Paris.)
Lorelai walks down some street in Stars Hollow and stops when she reaches the incredibly loud arcade, where Kirk is deep in a Dance Dance Revolution game. He stops and towels off. Lorelai notes that he's dripping wet. "Sweat is the curse of the B-Boy," Kirk notes. He pounds his chest: "Mos def." He asks if she's feeling better. Luke told him she was sick. Lorelai's thrilled to find out that Luke's in the movie theatre. Kirk's on break, so he's taking a dance dance break break. Hard to believe Kirk doesn't also run the arcade. Kirk asks if something's up between them. Lorelai says there isn't. "Uh-oh," Kirk concludes. He wants to know why Luke and Lorelai are both dressed up but not together. Lorelies about having the sniffles. Kirk mentions how Taylor will go nuts if she and Luke break up. Lorelies there's nothing to worry about. She tells Kirk she's going to enter the movie without paying, since it already started. And then it seems she ran off with Kirk's nasty wet towel, which is freaking weird.
Lorelai enters the movie theatre, a place where she likes to get her big talks taken care of. No surprise here, she plops down in the front row and proceeds to talk at a normal volume throughout the film. There must be a city ordinance that says nobody's allowed to shush Lorelai, because once again everybody acts like she's not saying anything. Yesterday, I had the unfortunate experience of going to see Constantine. The most dramatic part of the entire film came from the woman in the seat to me, who took -- TOOK -- three (THREE!) phone calls from her seat, yelling into the phone, "No, call me later! Yeah, I know! Ha!" Never turned her phone off, so it rang all three times, IN A ROW, and just chatted away like we were all so excited about her fucking social life. ["How did you manage not to punch her? No, seriously." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai asks Luke what he's watching. Is there not a marquee? Luke tells her it's something stupid. It's something in black and white, so you know my eyes just glaze right over. Oh, but you see, it's symbolism. There's a woman in a gown and a bummy-looking guy with a beard and an invisible backwards baseball cap, and they're at some kind of ball, and the woman is apologizing for taking him to this place where everyone humiliated him. Lorelai comments on how fast people talk in those movies. Uh-huh. Lorelai tells Luke she's been "frantically" trying to call his cell phone. Luke turned his off, because he's not seeing Constantine. Lorelai wants to explain everything, but Luke wants some time to think. Lorelai's a little condescending as she asks Luke to call her when he's ready to talk. She then heads out of the theatre, having sufficiently ruined the second act of the film.
Dragonfly. Lorelai is wearing a cardigan I covet, talking a woman through the tea party she's planning for a group of little girls. Michel can't believe there will be dolls attending this tea party, being served food and tea like real people when they are, in fact, dolls. Michel goes through a list of organs that they, being dolls, would not have. Spleens, teeth, stomachs -- that sort of thing.
Michel and Lorelai enter the kitchen, and I now present to you the worst joke ever told in the 101-episode history of this show: Sookie: "I'm making little pancakes for the dolls, too! I found these little forks they can use!" Michel: "They do not have opposable thumbs!" Sookie: "Who, the girls? Oh, this is a handicapped group! Poor things!" Fire him! Wait, the horror is not over. Michel: "No, the dolls." Sookie: "The dolls? How can a doll be handicapped?" Honestly. Honestly. Lorelai bitches at Michel until he leaves, and then she complains to the refrigerator full of food that she's starving and that there's no food in there because all of the food requires cooking and Lorelai just wants food in her stomach right now without having to cook or chew it. Sookie asks Lorelai what's wrong. Lorelai tells her about her fight with Luke. In detail. Instead of "Uh-oh," Sookie prefers "Oh, no." Lorelai says she needs Luke to give her ten minutes so she can explain everything, so they won't waste time having him be mad at her. She asks what's enough time. Sookie doesn't know. Twelve hours? Sookie says it's probably more than that, but that when a relationship is right, things just work out. She tells Lorelai about this couple she heard about on a morning show: they were high-school sweethearts, but things didn't work out and they married other people, had kids with other people, had their spouses die, and now they're back together again, forty years later, and just as happy as they were when they were in high school. Lorelai: "That's a horrible story." Lorelai asks if that shit was on Katie Couric. Sookie says the point is even if it takes forty years, there's still a chance for a happy ending. Lorelai says she doesn't want a happy ending. She wants the good, fluffy, middle. Sookie says that other guy she's going to have her kids and grandkids with could be a nice guy. Lorelai says he's not the guy she wants to be with. Sookie wants to name the other guy: "I feel like he'd be a Larry." Sookie apologizes for the bad story and makes up another one about a guy who had a fight with his girlfriend and said he needed some time, and then he was like, "Just a second, Lorelai," and then was like, "I love you, Lorelai," and they were all happy forever. Lorelai thanks Sookie for the lie, and heads out. Sookie admits the old couple was on Katie Couric. Lorelai says she knew it.
Rory wears a t-shirt I covet and picks out breakfast cereals with Paris in the cleanest breakfast cereal center I've ever seen. Paris makes a poop joke. The girls take four different kinds of cereals in four different bowls. They discuss the nuances of different kinds of cereal, and declare cereal to be so awesome it "rocks." It Snap, Crackle, and Rocks. It's like a Seinfeld fetish video in here. Rory places her cell phone beside her bowls of cereal. Paris once again asks the name of the boy who has Rory "yoked to [her] cell phone." Paris figures out that it's Logan: "With the hair? And the chin like he's the fourth Bee Gee?" Paris pulls out her own phone, waiting for Doyle to call. She waited for him to call last night with plans. When he didn't, she ate a family-sized bag of salt and vinegar chips and went to bed at 7:30. Rory: "That was the smell." Paris says they're better than this, as children of Hillary Clinton. She blames Chilton for their lack of social skills. Rory says she will not call LoveLine. Paris calls over Janet and a friend named Althea. Paris knows they know nothing of Ukrainian politics or the periodic table, but they're the Brontës of boys. Rory tries to get out of the conversation, so Paris tells her story. Althea and Janet suggest that Paris gives him one more call to see if he's truly interested. Rory asks why her coitus interruptus hasn't been followed with at least a single phone call. Althea says it's Rory's job to call, since the boy might think she's "too much drama." Jesus, this is annoying. Are you telling me that neither Paris nor Rory had called their boys first? Hey, everybody. Here's a tip, from me to you. If you want to find out how someone's doing, or he/she was supposed to make plans with you and hasn't, or you aren't sure if he/she is interested in you: USE THE PHONE. One call, it's all it takes. Then we don't have to watch scenes like this one, that set women back decades, that paint women as weak, worried, meek wallflowers waiting to be chosen by THE ONE. Fucking pick up a phone. And if he doesn't call, or she seems distracted, or he's evasive, then that person is a DOUCHE. Move on. Screw He's Just Not That Into You. Here's the title of my book: Your Crush Is a Douche: Move On.
Lorelai walks down the street, noticing a new collection of bows on shop doors, pink and blue. Gypsy informs Lorelai that she's on her side of the breakup. Lorelai says she and Luke didn't breakup. Gypsy doesn't want to get into semantics; she just wants to tell Lorelai that she's proudly wearing her pink ribbon to support the sisterhood. Lorelai sees Luke clomp past in the background. She runs off to stalk her man. My book: You're Acting Like a Douche: Stop It.
Doose's Market. Lorelai finds Taylor cutting up blue and pink ribbons. She tells him she'll deal with him later. She corners Luke in an aisle and beams that she has so much to tell him, as if she's got nothing but good news to share with him, like that she didn't really spend the night with Chris and a bottle of tequila, or that her parents don't actually hate him, or that Rory is actually Luke's child. Lorelai doesn't exactly apologize, but swears she didn't do anything wrong. When that doesn't work, she tries apologizing. She finishes her apology with the word "but," and then goes straight to blaming other people for their problems. Luke says he should have seen this coming. Stupid Lorelai mentions that even Rory saw this coming, and Rory doesn't know a single thing about having a relationship. Lorelai makes this wild, stupid promise never to see Christopher ever again. Luke immediately points out the stupidity of that statement, since Rory isn't dead. Lorelai acts like she can just push Rory away, get rid of her, and have it just be LukeLukeLuke all the time. It's a weird, non-Lorelai, desperate move, and what's with all the kowtowing by women this episode? Lorelai begs him, begs him, begs him and blames Emily and blames Christopher and swears she'll never talk to Emily again. Luke explains that this is also an impossibility. Lorelai says her parents are gone. That's it. Luke says he doesn't want to have this out right now, and that he needs more time. Lorelai tells Luke that she wants her middle, and she doesn't want to waste time with the stupid being-mad-at-her- for-having-everyone- in-her-life- hate-him- and-she-doesn't- stick-up-for-him- with-them stuff. Lorelai even throws some blame to the town, saying they're dividing them up. Luke, and I, give Lorelai a quiet "Don't." Lorelai smiles, thinking she's figured out the perfect words to get him back. They're his: "Luke. I'm all in. I'm all in." Then: "Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be! But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now." Luke speaks for all of us when he says he can't be in this relationship right now. "It's too much." And also, if this long into the relationship people are still saying "I'm all in" instead of "I love you" there's a freaking problem. He's Just Not That Into You: And You Aren't Too Terribly Hot About Him But You Live In an Incredibly Small Town and It's This Guy Or Kirk Or Suicide. Lorelai whispers, "No," to absolutely nobody here, which is a little too dramatic, don't you think? ("No!")
Rory gets all dolled up and makes a phone call to Logan. She invites herself into his evening. He tells her to come over. Rory smugly closes her cell phone...
...and teleports to Logan's. He's having a poker game, and she's not the only female in the room. I'll add right here that my plans for the evening got cancelled by my husband because he's got a poker tournament tonight, and sometimes you get married and then things like poker tournaments become a part of your life. It sucks, and it makes me hate Logan. Rory's asked to the table -- not to play, on account of her ovaries, but to be a "good luck charm." Shuffle up and deal with it; this episode isn't too female-friendly. Is this Logan's apartment? Holy crap, these kids have a lot of money. Look at that television. Rory admits that her knowledge of poker is limited to the opening credits of The Odd Couple. The poker game gets increasingly annoying -- even more so when we find out that the winnings for a single round rival a recapper's salary for an entire season. ["Er, yes. 'Rival.'" -- Wing Chun] The quiet girls who linger in the background bring the boys everything they need. Rory tells Logan she's not sure how long she's going to stay. Logan says that with the way he's playing tonight, he's not sure, either.
The tea party (what time is this tea party? Good God, let the children sleep!) is a total bust because Lorelai hasn't shown up with anything. It's confusing that Lorelai would be supplying everything needed for a tea party the morning (evening?) of the tea party (is it Sunday?), and that there's nothing -- including food -- for these girls. Michel is staying out of the way. Sookie tells him to go entertain the girls. "Like I'm SpongeBoy BigPants or something? I do not entertain children." Sookie says Lorelai left yesterday to run an errand, and then never came back. And that's different than her managerial style any other day...how? Michel suggests a parlor game: poke out all the dolls' eyes and let the girls try to match the eyeballs up with the dolls. Sookie leaves to check Lorelai's house. One of the little girls asks Michel to kiss her doll's boo-boo. Michel asks which part of the doll is the boo-boo.
Rory's asleep on Logan's couch. The game is still going on, although I'm not sure if it's afternoon, what with the tea going on...aw, forget it. Rory answers her boxy cell phone. It's Sookie, with an alarming tone, telling Rory to come home right away because Lorelai's in bad shape. It's not like Lorelai got into a car accident, but Sookie makes it sound that way. Rory immediately sets to leave, but she doesn't have her car because it's in the shop at the dealer, even though they rip you off, so Logan gives her access to his driver, Frank. These kids really have a lot of money.
Rory runs into the house. Sookie's resting on the couch. Rory: "Where is she?" Sookie: "Upstairs." Rory: "Okay, I got it from here, Sookie." Fuck off, Sookie. Don't let the door hit your pregnant ass on the way out. See ya. Thanks for nothing. Bye. Get out. Leave. She's Just Not a Good Friend: Dealing With a Gilmore Girl.
Rory finds Lorelai crying in bed. "Luke," Lorelai says. "He's gone. He hates me. I blew it. I blew everything." She says she should have told him about Christopher. Rory says that was innocent. Lorelai: "But I should have told him. I hid it. I shouldn't have hid it." She then blames Emily, and says that the town all hates her and they're putting up ribbons because they hate her. She says she pushed Luke and now he's gone. Rory: "He waited forever for you. He's not just going to walk away." Man, these girls think highly of themselves. The whole town hates her. Luke would never leave after wasting his entire life, including a marriage waiting on Lorelai to finally have the time for him. "It's over," Lorelai says. Rory says it isn't like Lorelai to lie in bed crying like this. Lorelai tells her to go back to school. Rory says she's staying. Lorelai cries and says she screwed up. Rory tries to soothe her. "He could have been the one," Lorelai says. Rory tells her that Luke will come around, and that Lorelai should try to sleep.
Lorelai walks downstairs and calls Rory. Her kitchen is now the movie theater. She sits to Luke on the couch and watches footage of their relationship. Luke tells Lorelai he's been working for the government. It's like watching David Lynch's freshman-year film project as Luke and Lorelai sit at a table rehashing their "all in" lines yet again. This time, like how we were long ago, Lorelai shouts at herself, "Say something!" Luke's gone, and now there's a blue ribbon in his place. Did you guys know my dad was almost named "Blue"? He'd be Blue Ribon. Or Ty Andrew Ribon. Ty A. Ribon, people. Parents should have to take a test.
Lorelai wakes up. Rory is to her, still in a coat and scarf. "You slept," she notes. I hope it was only for three seconds, because otherwise Rory's sweating like a whore in church under all that. And also, it's creepy to stare at your mom sleeping for more than a couple of minutes. Lorelai tells Rory to go back to school. Rory leaves to get supplies. Lorelai complains about the ribbons all over town, and warns Rory that everyone's going to want to know details, because if there's one thing absolutely every single person in Stars Hollow cares about, it's the daily state of one Lorelai Gilmore.
Rory's driver, Frank, takes a bag of groceries out of no-glasses Lane's hands. Inside the limo, Lane tells Rory all the supplies she bought -- cookie dough, chocolate-covered Matzo, and a new toothbrush, since Lorelai probably hasn't changed hers in a while. Rory hands Frank a ham and cheese sandwich and tells him to take them home. Lane says Taylor was inside telling a group of people about the break-up, debating whether Lorelai should have married Max when she had the chance. Rory tells Frank to wait.
Rory storms into Doose's and grabs the container of ribbons. "Take piano lessons, or something!" she tells him. Taylor remarks to a customer, "She was so sweet when she was little." It's because she stopped reading so many books.
Inside the limo, Rory hands over the stolen ribbons. Lane compliments Rory's moxie. Here's where some really weird acting happens. Lane asks if the honking outside is to them. Rory looks off-camera like Paris Hilton on SNL, holds out her hands and says like it's the first time she's ever acted, "They better not be." She asks Frank, one finger extended, "Frank? Are they honking at us?" It just gets worse through, "Oh. I am in no mood for this. We are depressed!" Did an Olsen twin coach the acting in this scene? Rory stands up through the limo sunroof to shout, and sees that the honker is Luke. He apologizes. She says she's not usually in a limo. Fade to awkward black and commercial.
Princess Lorelai's Depression Lair is more cush than some of our apartments. I do worry about the open bottle of whole milk on the bedside table. Rory has Frank carry the television up the stairs. Rory explains the order of how she put everything up in this bedroom. Lorelai loves the Paris-created cereal combo. Dude, it's got Half-&-Half in it. That's disgusting. Poor Frank has been on the clock for about fourteen hours now, but he asks Rory if there's anything else he can do, since he's stranded in this podunk town that doesn't contain any other people of color. Frank goes downstairs to wait for more of Rory's whims. Lorelai tells Rory she shouldn't take her car to the dealer, since it's such a rip-off. Rory echoes my former sentiments when she explains that the book told her to take it to the dealer. I stopped going to the dealer after the dealer charged me $125 to tell me that my car was doing just fine. Djb went to his dealer just this weekend, even though it's in another city and they made him wait five hours to tell him that his car is doing just fine. Why do we do it? Why are we Rory? Lorelai tells Rory to thank Logan for the driver, and to get back to Yale. She promises she's fine: "A whole village has seen to my needs." Is this the village that hates you or the village that can't stop gossiping about you? I get them so confused. Lorelai promises that she's better than she was, and doesn't need Rory to sit there anymore. Rory cleaned downstairs, and the doll party went fine because Michel sang a medley from Annie. Rory says she's going to call a lot and might stop by the afternoon. Rory says that Frank will honk before they leave, because it sounds fun. She leaves.
Lorelai turns on her television and flips channels. We hear a honking outside. Lorelai turns off her television and stares at the ceiling.
Time passes. The heating vent in the room sounds very Lynchian again, like a scene from Eraserhead. Lorelai picks up her phone and does "what women do," according to some male writers. She says, "Hey, Luke. It's me. Sigh. I know we're not supposed to be calling, but I am not doing really great right now and...I was just wondering if...Do you remember in The Way We Were..." blah, blah, blah, "He broke up with her and she was really upset and she called him and asked if he would come over and sit with her because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend and he did and...and...they talked all night and...they went out to Hollywood which was a disaster but it was good at first with the boat," blah, blah, blah, (I liked this part better in Broadcast News) "could -- please come over. I -- please. Really need to see you and...and talk to you and...please...come over. Bbb- please. Come..." Click. Classy. Lorelai leaves the room, presumably to throw up...
...but instead runs right over to Luke's, finds the hidden key, runs past Cesar and his sixteen kids all fighting over a piñata, up the stairs to Luke's apartment where she swipes his answering machine tape. (I liked this part better in Friends.)
Rory returns Frank and the limo to Logan, who asks if everything's okay at home. Rory thanks him with a "formal tone." Rory says she even fed Frank, so he's "good to go." Logan says she was a good-luck charm for him, and that he won all his money back and then some. Rory calls him "kiddo." She says she didn't want to hang out with a bunch of people. Logan says she was pretty vague with the whole "hang out" thing. Rory says she wasn't expecting a group. Logan says he wanted to see her. Rory was hoping for something intimate. Logan asks if they can only see each other for sex. Rory says that's not what she meant. Logan says that last night ended up being a group thing, so there's no problem. There's the circular Gilmore logic being put to good use. Logan tells Rory he's going out of town, but he wants to see her when he gets back. Saturday. They decide to "hang out," which means "hook up," which, according to my sister is called "talking to" someone. Logan kisses her and thanks her for feeding his driver. He promises not to call her "kiddo" anymore. "There's just so many other things you could call me," Rory says, opening herself up wide to all of our jokes. She leaves.
Lorelai walks home to find a frantic Luke on her front porch. He got there and there was no answer. He couldn't reach the phone from home, so he ran over and couldn't get in through a window because he fixed everything broken with the house so he broke in through the back and she was gone. Lorelies that she'll never do this to him again, and says she shouldn't have called him because she's not that girl who cries and falls apart and calls her ex-boyfriend to come and save her. WHAT?!? She's totally that girl. She calls Luke or she calls Christopher or she calls Max or she calls Rory or she calls Sookie or even fucking Jackson, and when Davey's old enough she'll call him because if Lorelai has a problem the world must hear about it constantly until it's fixed. She doesn't fix her own problems. How's that cash you owe your ex-boyfriend, Lorelai? She hands Luke his answering-machine tape and lies that it's the last crazy thing he'll have to endure from her. Unless she dies in the episode. Then she's speaking the truth. She says she understands he's out, and she's going to respect it from now on. "Okay," Luke says. Lorelai tells him to go home because it's cold and she'll be fine. They walk away from each other as we fade to black.
week there's a town celebration, while Luke and Lorelai just aren't getting together, and Rory's falling hard for someone who might be the wrong guy for her. Pick any episode at random and tell me if we haven't seen this logline before. We're moving backwards, people.