Come Home

Let me say this up front: I am exhausted. I don't normally recap at night, and this week I've been working in a writing room for a comedy pilot, answering questions like, "What's funnier: purple or brown?" My husband has just poured me a glass of wine, and he's making dinner. I'm going to eat a few pierogi, drink this glass of wine, enjoy a salad, and then spend the rest of my night with you, walking you through the ninety-ninth episode of Gilmore Girls. How weird is it that some of you have been here from the beginning, when I was a single girl who just moved to Los Angeles from Austin, living with a roommate and only two cats, when I was unemployed and cleaning a woman's house for money under the table, hoping someone would take a chance and give me a job? Thanks for sticking around. I can't believe there have been almost one hundred episodes of this show. week I'll be out of town, so my good friend Al Lowe will be filling in. Y'all be nice to her; she's good people. Anyway, it's very late, and I've got to recap this tonight and can't really go to sleep until it's finished, and I have work in the morning, so to keep myself awake I'm going to upload some albums to my iPod while I recap. Come journey through my CD collection as I take you along the latest episode. (Madonna: The Immaculate Collection.)

Lorelai enters Luke's bed area from the closet/bathroom. "Hey, you built me a shelf," she observes. Note the lack of the word "thanks." Luke says he had to, since he kept accidentally using her toothpaste. He tells her that toothpaste shouldn't taste like cinnamon. I totally agree. ["Ooooh, Glark and my sister will fight you. But I agree too; that cinnamon toothpaste is like brushing your teeth with Hot Tamales." -- Wing Chun] When Lorelai asks what toothpaste should taste like, he answers, "Striped." He's been hanging out with Lorelai too long.

Luke notes that he's "exhausted." Me too, Luke. Lorelai jumps in bed and says she's exhilarated. Between the plaid on Lorelai's "Luke" shirt, the plaid of the sheets, and the plaid of the mattress, I feel like this entire scene has been brought to you by graph paper. Graph paper: something you use for only six months out of your entire high-school experience/life. (Madonna: Something To Remember.) Luke and Lorelai are going to bed early because Luke has to get up at 4 in order to do something with that pesky job he's always going to. Lorelai seems to think this whole "going to bed early" thing is cute. Luke knows that Lorelai is doing him a favor, and is mostly just patronizing him by jumping into bed with him before primetime is over, anyway.

Luke turns off the lamp and gives Lorelai a couple of kisses. Lorelai sleeps in full makeup. Well, she doesn't tonight, because while Luke tries to fall asleep, Lorelai's wide awake, eyes darting back and forth, as she quickly ascertains that she's not going to fall asleep any time soon. The problem is that Luke doesn't have a television in his bedroom. Lorelai's freaked out by how quiet it is in his room, and how there's nothing to do while she's wide awake. Luke says he has a television, but not near the bed, because the bed is for sleeping. Luke says that watching television in bed is bad for your REM patterns. When I was in high school I had to fall asleep to music or television. I could have the television on, turned to something incredibly boring, and I'd be out. But mostly I'd play the same cassette tape every night to fall asleep. I still have it somewhere. I remember it started with Metallica's "Fade To Black," and then went to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" (taped from the radio, so at first there's some guy requesting the song, talking about how much he hated the movie Say Anything... but he really liked the song), and then went into Aerosmith's "Dream On" and Toad the Wet Sprocket's "Way Away" and then some song called "Pam Just Hit Puberty But Boys Don't Like Her Yet Because She's Too Geeky." That's a great song. Luke thinks late-night television can make you too anxious about the state of the world. Try listening to Peter Gabriel as you drift off without worrying the world. Lorelai says that sometimes Mel Brooks is on Charlie Rose, and he's so funny that you think about how wonderful the world is, that there's a Mel Brooks to fall asleep to. And then because I'm tired I'm all, "Mel Brooks is dead. The Bugs Bunny guy?" And then the other side of my brain goes, "No, Mel Brooks is the guy who's Rob Reiner's dad," which doesn't even make any sense, and then somehow I remember who Mel Brooks is, and how much my mom hates him. She hates him so much that she hates Albert Brooks, because she feels like they have to be related somehow, which makes me think that my mom hates Jews and then I can't sleep because I'm worried Mom's an anti-Semite. (Madonna: Music.) Luke has similar woes, explaining that listening to Mel Brooks as you drift off makes you dream of Nathan Lane-looking Nazis, which keeps you freaked out for days. Lorelai says that the worst ruiner of REM sleep is reading articles about REM sleep, and that the only way to prevent that is to have a television. They give a "Say Goodnight, Gracie," and scene. But Lorelai still can't sleep as we fade to opening credits.

Yale paper. I know, it was so great not having it in our lives, but there's nothing we can do. It's back. Paris is fanning her boyfriend Doyle because Logan's father, Mitchum Huntzberger, just left. Doyle explains that his chops had been busted so hard they are now numb. He prods his numb chops. (Dirty!) I guess Mitchum dropped by the office because he's throwing a party for The New Yorker contributor and Daily Show slummer Seymour Hersh on Friday night. Rory is impressed at the dropping of the name. Doyle complains that he fell like a house of cards in front of Mitchum, the man who owns thirteen newspapers: "I made that joke about Abu Ghraib. God, that was inappropriate." (Marilyn Manson: Holy Wood.) Paris says that it wasn't supposed to be a "Ha-ha-funny Abu Ghraib joke." Doyle frets that Mitchum told him to light a fire under lazy Logan's ass so that Logan can take over the family business someday. Paris can't believe that Mitchum will pass his empire on to that "playboy cad" while a "rising star" like Doyle sweats and hyperventilates over bad torture jokes. Rory says she's sure it's not that bad.

Doyle's upset because now he's Logan's babysitter, begging Logan to write something. Rory asks if Logan can even write. Doyle says he can, and that he's actually quite good at it: "How's that for God giving with both hands, huh?" He hates how good Logan is at it, actually, calling him a "stupid bastard." Paris reminds Doyle that he's the boss: "Talk to him. Assign him something." Doyle says he gave Logan an assignment on a professor's resignation, but that Logan just thanked him and then laughed all the way down the hall. Rory's all, "I'll fuck him! I mean...I'll try and help Logan get it all out. I mean, the words. Help him...I'll...write it for him while he...owes me one. I mean, whatever. After he's married. When he's more interesting to me. Hi, I'm Rory! Yale's awesome. Boys go there. Christiane Amanwhaaaa?" Anyway, Rory offers to hand all of her notes over to Logan so that he can write his assignment with his eyes closed and one hand on Rory's boob. It's nice to see that even really skinny girls can't pull off the button-down underneath the sweater without looking frumpy and lumpy. There's no better way to make me look fifteen pounds heavier than putting me in a sweater with something underneath it. And I think it's cruel that sweaters, a major part of winter wardrobes, look terrible on girls with chests. What am I supposed to do? They're boobs, not hot water bottles. Is this too much information? Sorry. Anyway, send warm clothes, because I'm going to Colorado on Monday, and I am unprepared for the weather because sweaters make me look like the Michelin man. Doyle tells Rory he loves her for helping Logan, until Paris calls off the love fest. Rory leaves, confident in destroying yet another relationship. Paris throws down her folder and stomps off. (Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar.)

Oh, how cute. Lorelai's trying to run a staff meeting at the Dragonfly. Let's listen to hear what she says when she pretends she's the boss. There are all these "workers," and they're wearing "uniforms." It's really quite adorable. Lorelai reminds everybody to punch their time cards: "Punch in, punch out, including lunch and breaks." Hysterical. Like Lorelai, the woman who has no cancellation policy, would force people to punch out for their breaks? What kind of she-devil boss did she become over the past week? "Janice? Am I paying you to eat that sandwich or are you going to eat it while you clean out the horse stable? That's what I thought."

Lorelai then starts the Dragonfly's first official sexual harassment seminar. Michel says, "Finally. Yes, good. Talk to them." Lorelai tells everybody that sexual harassment is bad, so they shouldn't touch anyone else unless he or she is specifically asked. Michel is outraged that this is the extent of Lorelai's lecture, but unless she wants to get sued by quite a few people at this inn (Digger, Sookie, Michel, Grumpy Tom, the Goldfarbs), she'd better keep the rules flexible. Michel thinks that everybody has been harassing him lately. He doesn't want to be ogled just because he walks with a sway and a bounce. Lorelai interrupts, just as Michel is blaming Pilates for his amazing ass, to tell everyone to refrain from ever touching Michel. Lorelai then tells "Billy" and "Adam" to lock the padlock securely because the horses keep getting out, and Cletus was practically in the inn. Didn't all of you think they got rid of the horses months ago? Billy and Adam are like, "Right, lady. Just as soon as you pay one of us."

Watch out, Lorelai! There's your ex-boyfriend Snow all over the place! Don't let him see you until you put on more makeup, lose five pounds, and totally have a great boyfriend. Lorelai runs into Jackson and Davey on the street. Jackson asks Lorelai if she'll lay off of Sookie's hours right now, because she's been staying at the inn awful late and it's taking a toll on their family and her pregnancy. Lorelai doesn't know what Jackson's talking about with the late nights, since Lorelai's sure Sookie's been leaving even before Lorelai does. Sookie would have to call it a day at around 2 PM for that to be possible. Lorelai pretends to know what Jackson's talking about, and says she'll take care of it. Jackson tells Davey it's time to get him laid (I'm not kidding; it's what he says), and they leave.

Emily leaves her house, giving one last order to her maid to get rid of the fish smell. She meets Richard in the driveway. Richard is curt and cold. Emily notices his change. See? One joke, and then the rest of the scene is done almost silently, with really good acting. Give Richard and Emily their own show. With Lane. Why can't they have the spin-off? Why did they just get rid of the whole spin-off thing just because it didn't work with Jess? Didn't Dawson get five spin-offs? (Smashing Pumpkins: Gish.)

MamaLane's. Long pan across several tables of families, only to discover Lane and her band at the Kids' Table. It's just the four of them, without even a tablecloth, chowing down. Sebastian Bach loves the food because it's "slimy," which goes down easier: "And I get the sense it keeps sliding, right? Which helps your colon and stuff! Because it scrapes when it slides? And because it's not in ya for long, you don't get fat." That's way more fat jokes in one episode than this show normally allows. Rude mfTL can't even fake enjoying himself at Lane's family's home. He complains about the food, and then stands to leave the table. But the little kid sitting to him loudly informs him, "You're not allowed to leave the table!" MfTL tells him that nature's calling, but it doesn't matter: "Nature must wait!" The entire table drops chopsticks and stares. Nobody leaves the table. In fact, MamaLane locks the bathroom door. (Snoop: Doggy Style.) MamaLane stands and announces they are done with this portion of the meal. There will be a thirty-minute break before dessert, while Mrs. Shin and her fellow musicians play in the other room. Awesome! The Shins are gonna play again! (Tones on Tail: Night Music.) Brian gives fun facts on all the Korean instruments. Sebastian Bach gets permission from the little kid to get up. Kyong is impressed with Brian's knowledge of Korean culture, and then immediately shamed for talking to him. She says she should go straight to her room. Brian asks her to stay. Aw, awkward love. MamaLane gives Lane a look. Perhaps because Lane's boyfriend is making a face like he's trapped in a haunted house.

We're at that weird bar/coffeehouse where Rory drinks a hot chocolate and Logan drinks a beer. Rory can't believe Logan's never seen The Office. Logan admits that he feels very stupid. Lane says it's brilliant, especially the fourth time he sees it, because that'll be the first time he understands what they're saying. Or you could put on closed captioning the first time. Rory says she'll loan him the DVDs, but only if he promises to abide by the fourth-time rule. Logan returns Rory's giant stack of notes. She says she hoped they helped. "They did!" Logan says. "Some guy tried to mug me earlier and I beat him to death with them." He tells Rory that the story is done, Doyle's safe, and all is right with the world. "You're welcome," Rory says. Logan says that this has been fun, but he's got to go, as he's heading to New York. Rory says, "FOR YOUR DAD'S PARTY." Logan tells her to have a good weekend. Aw, yeah! I love it when Rory gets dissed. Suck it, Gilmore. Some of us don't get everything we want on the first try.

Lorelai walks into the inn. Lorelai: "Hey, Kirk." Kirk: "No messages." Lorelai: "Super." Hee.

Upstairs, Lorelai opens one of the rooms to find Sookie, in bed, with Toblerone, watching television on eleven. You're fired. (Justin Timberlake: Justified.) I don't get how Lorelai is like, "Hey, what's up?" but she is, and Sookie tells Lorelai that this all started because she wanted to see an episode of Dark Shadows. She was only supposed to do it once, but the room was good and there was chocolate and she had an hour all to herself, which was great. "I'm horrible," she realizes. "I'm the most horrible person in the world." Lorelai says that Emily will be sad to know she's been dethroned. Sookie: "I'm lying to my husband. I'm eating the inn's candy!" Lorelai says Sookie should tell Jackson she needs some time to herself, and that he'd understand. That's the problem, Sookie says -- that Jackson would understand, because he's the most understanding, perfect husband, and she's stealing Toblerone from the guests. She says she'd feel too guilty, because Jackson works hard too, and she's shirking her motherly duties, and she couldn't possibly relax. Lorelai says she gets it. Sookie apologizes for not telling her. Lorelai tells Sookie to tell Jackson, only because Jackson thinks this is all Lorelai's fault. Sookie promises to do so, just after this episode of Dark Shadows. The two snuggle in bed, eat chocolate, and watch the program. "These rooms ARE nice," Lorelai notes.

Emily and Richard walk through the front door. Richard says he'll make arrangements to get Emily's car tomorrow. "Thank you," she says. Richard says she might want to re-think that lease. See? Waste of money. Richard says he doesn't want to go back to the poolhouse. "Come home," Emily says. They stare at each other.

Rory and Lorelai meet by the poolhouse for Friday-night dinner. Lorelai is surprised to see Rory. Rory says the thing wasn't for sure and now it's a nothing. She says she doesn't want to talk about it. Lorelai tells Rory that the poolhouse is empty. They walk to the front and see Emily and Richard together. At first it appears as though they are arguing, but Emily is laughing. Lorelai's unsure if it's an evil, laughing-at-your-pain laugh. The girls watch until Richard and Emily are kissing. Lorelai has a "Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica! My eyes! My eyes!" moment. Richard and Emily see them and open the door, inviting them in. They announce their reconciliation. Rory is super-happy. Lorelai asks when it happened. Emily: "Yesterday." Richard: "And last night. And this morning!" Lorelai: "Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions." week they're going to renew their wedding vows. A week from tomorrow, on their fortieth wedding anniversary. Gosh, they waited a while before having Lorelai. Also: this show should know better than to repeat a timeframe to us over and over again. week we'll be counting the hours, trying to figure it all out. Emily tells Lorelai she's going to be Emily's Maid of Honor. Richard's valet informs him that he has a phone call. Richard tells Emily he's going to fire the valet week. Everybody loves a good firing. The phone call is about the ceremony, and after all the wedding planning I've been doing for the past six months, I cannot handle even listening to someone else's wedding plans. Particularly in this instance, when they want some Rose Room so badly, they're going to pay the other party who reserved the room to change their date. Emily steals Lorelai away to go upstairs. Richard tells us that Rory is going to be his Best Man. Lorelai is terrified of what's going to happen upstairs.

Lorelai was right to be terrified, because it's a room filled with wedding dresses, and Alex Borstein in some makeup that makes me sad. Alex plays that creepy Miss Celine again, and it's a conflict, because I love Alex and I think she's immensely talented, but it's always weird to have someone in "character" suddenly in this world full of people playing who they are. It's like, is she actually a young person who pretends to be old and everybody just goes along with it because that's what her mother has asked the town to do? Or does nobody know she's actually my age? Or...I know I'm ruining the wonder and fun, but it's weird, right? Why does she have to be so old? She could talk and behave exactly the same way, but be her own age, and it'd be hilarious. Anyway. Old movie talk. Miss Celine calls Lorelai "Natalie Wood" again. As Miss Celine goes on, Emily tries on some dresses. Miss Celine asks Lorelai if she's married yet. Lorelai says she isn't. Emily brags that Lorelai has opened her own inn, which she runs. This rare moment of parental pride doesn't go unnoticed by Lorelai. Miss Celine asks Emily if she's going to need breasts. Emily says she's fine. Emily puts on an ugly dress. Lorelai hands her a new one. Miss Celine says she told Marilyn to wear a flat hat for her wedding to Arthur Miller, since it would remind him of a book: "She didn't, and we all saw how that turned out." Emily puts on another dress. Everybody likes it. Lorelai's busy holding a dress up to herself. Emily goes to try on the Dior, just for giggles.

We're back at Luke's studio. Luke's sleeping on the other side of the bed tonight, which is weird. Lorelai's in the same flannel. Luke is complaining about the food at Al's Pancake World, swearing he'll never go back there ever, ever again. The manicotti was square, flat, and blue. Luke tells Lorelai he shouldn't go to the vow renewal, since he's not her parents' favorite person. Lorelai says she's not their favorite person either, and she has to go. She knows her parents are weird, but they don't hate Luke; they just don't know him. She swears this is the perfect opportunity because they'll be happy and drunk and he'll be charming and happy and they'll fall in love with him. Speaking of, is anybody on this show ever going to tell someone else that they're in love? It never happens. There's no "I love you." Except that one awesome time. Luke has to go because Lorelai told him he has to go so he's going to go. Lorelai got her way, and then immediately gets it again: there's a television in the room, that Luke bought this morning for her. Lorelai curls into bed with Jon Stewart, so it can't be too early. Lorelai tells Luke he's too good for her. Luke hopes to meet a nice girl at the vow renewal. Me too, Luke. Me too.

Christopher keeps his baby up way fucking late watching The Teletubbies. I guess he's done mourning. He's online (with his internet girlfriend, I assume). Emily shows up and walks in. Christopher tells her he has a maid/nanny combo. Emily gets right to the point. She tells him she didn't used to think much of him, and she still doesn't, but he comes from an impeccable family and he loves Lorelai and always has. She says she knows they would have gotten married if it weren't for that thing on the floor (indicating the baby). She thinks Luke is unsuitable for both Lorelai and Rory: "My daughter's stubborn. But she's capable of greatness. And watching her settle down with a man who could hold her back from that is unacceptable. You, at least, won't hold her back." Christopher is confused. Emily isn't. She leaves him with an invitation to her ceremony and a warning that he's running out of time if he ever wants to win her daughter. That kid needs to be in bed! Why won't somebody take care of the children on this show?

See you in a couple of weeks. Be sweet to Al. She hates Rory and loves Luke.