Let me say this up front: I am exhausted. I don't normally recap at night, and this week I've been working in a writing room for a comedy pilot, answering questions like, "What's funnier: purple or brown?" My husband has just poured me a glass of wine, and he's making dinner. I'm going to eat a few pierogi, drink this glass of wine, enjoy a salad, and then spend the rest of my night with you, walking you through the ninety-ninth episode of Gilmore Girls. How weird is it that some of you have been here from the beginning, when I was a single girl who just moved to Los Angeles from Austin, living with a roommate and only two cats, when I was unemployed and cleaning a woman's house for money under the table, hoping someone would take a chance and give me a job? Thanks for sticking around. I can't believe there have been almost one hundred episodes of this show. week I'll be out of town, so my good friend Al Lowe will be filling in. Y'all be nice to her; she's good people. Anyway, it's very late, and I've got to recap this tonight and can't really go to sleep until it's finished, and I have work in the morning, so to keep myself awake I'm going to upload some albums to my iPod while I recap. Come journey through my CD collection as I take you along the latest episode. (Madonna: The Immaculate Collection.)
Lorelai enters Luke's bed area from the closet/bathroom. "Hey, you built me a shelf," she observes. Note the lack of the word "thanks." Luke says he had to, since he kept accidentally using her toothpaste. He tells her that toothpaste shouldn't taste like cinnamon. I totally agree. ["Ooooh, Glark and my sister will fight you. But I agree too; that cinnamon toothpaste is like brushing your teeth with Hot Tamales." -- Wing Chun] When Lorelai asks what toothpaste should taste like, he answers, "Striped." He's been hanging out with Lorelai too long.
Luke notes that he's "exhausted." Me too, Luke. Lorelai jumps in bed and says she's exhilarated. Between the plaid on Lorelai's "Luke" shirt, the plaid of the sheets, and the plaid of the mattress, I feel like this entire scene has been brought to you by graph paper. Graph paper: something you use for only six months out of your entire high-school experience/life. (Madonna: Something To Remember.) Luke and Lorelai are going to bed early because Luke has to get up at 4 in order to do something with that pesky job he's always going to. Lorelai seems to think this whole "going to bed early" thing is cute. Luke knows that Lorelai is doing him a favor, and is mostly just patronizing him by jumping into bed with him before primetime is over, anyway.
Luke turns off the lamp and gives Lorelai a couple of kisses. Lorelai sleeps in full makeup. Well, she doesn't tonight, because while Luke tries to fall asleep, Lorelai's wide awake, eyes darting back and forth, as she quickly ascertains that she's not going to fall asleep any time soon. The problem is that Luke doesn't have a television in his bedroom. Lorelai's freaked out by how quiet it is in his room, and how there's nothing to do while she's wide awake. Luke says he has a television, but not near the bed, because the bed is for sleeping. Luke says that watching television in bed is bad for your REM patterns. When I was in high school I had to fall asleep to music or television. I could have the television on, turned to something incredibly boring, and I'd be out. But mostly I'd play the same cassette tape every night to fall asleep. I still have it somewhere. I remember it started with Metallica's "Fade To Black," and then went to Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" (taped from the radio, so at first there's some guy requesting the song, talking about how much he hated the movie Say Anything... but he really liked the song), and then went into Aerosmith's "Dream On" and Toad the Wet Sprocket's "Way Away" and then some song called "Pam Just Hit Puberty But Boys Don't Like Her Yet Because She's Too Geeky." That's a great song. Luke thinks late-night television can make you too anxious about the state of the world. Try listening to Peter Gabriel as you drift off without worrying the world. Lorelai says that sometimes Mel Brooks is on Charlie Rose, and he's so funny that you think about how wonderful the world is, that there's a Mel Brooks to fall asleep to. And then because I'm tired I'm all, "Mel Brooks is dead. The Bugs Bunny guy?" And then the other side of my brain goes, "No, Mel Brooks is the guy who's Rob Reiner's dad," which doesn't even make any sense, and then somehow I remember who Mel Brooks is, and how much my mom hates him. She hates him so much that she hates Albert Brooks, because she feels like they have to be related somehow, which makes me think that my mom hates Jews and then I can't sleep because I'm worried Mom's an anti-Semite. (Madonna: Music.) Luke has similar woes, explaining that listening to Mel Brooks as you drift off makes you dream of Nathan Lane-looking Nazis, which keeps you freaked out for days. Lorelai says that the worst ruiner of REM sleep is reading articles about REM sleep, and that the only way to prevent that is to have a television. They give a "Say Goodnight, Gracie," and scene. But Lorelai still can't sleep as we fade to opening credits.
Yale paper. I know, it was so great not having it in our lives, but there's nothing we can do. It's back. Paris is fanning her boyfriend Doyle because Logan's father, Mitchum Huntzberger, just left. Doyle explains that his chops had been busted so hard they are now numb. He prods his numb chops. (Dirty!) I guess Mitchum dropped by the office because he's throwing a party for The New Yorker contributor and Daily Show slummer Seymour Hersh on Friday night. Rory is impressed at the dropping of the name. Doyle complains that he fell like a house of cards in front of Mitchum, the man who owns thirteen newspapers: "I made that joke about Abu Ghraib. God, that was inappropriate." (Marilyn Manson: Holy Wood.) Paris says that it wasn't supposed to be a "Ha-ha-funny Abu Ghraib joke." Doyle frets that Mitchum told him to light a fire under lazy Logan's ass so that Logan can take over the family business someday. Paris can't believe that Mitchum will pass his empire on to that "playboy cad" while a "rising star" like Doyle sweats and hyperventilates over bad torture jokes. Rory says she's sure it's not that bad.
Doyle's upset because now he's Logan's babysitter, begging Logan to write something. Rory asks if Logan can even write. Doyle says he can, and that he's actually quite good at it: "How's that for God giving with both hands, huh?" He hates how good Logan is at it, actually, calling him a "stupid bastard." Paris reminds Doyle that he's the boss: "Talk to him. Assign him something." Doyle says he gave Logan an assignment on a professor's resignation, but that Logan just thanked him and then laughed all the way down the hall. Rory's all, "I'll fuck him! I mean...I'll try and help Logan get it all out. I mean, the words. Help him...I'll...write it for him while he...owes me one. I mean, whatever. After he's married. When he's more interesting to me. Hi, I'm Rory! Yale's awesome. Boys go there. Christiane Amanwhaaaa?" Anyway, Rory offers to hand all of her notes over to Logan so that he can write his assignment with his eyes closed and one hand on Rory's boob. It's nice to see that even really skinny girls can't pull off the button-down underneath the sweater without looking frumpy and lumpy. There's no better way to make me look fifteen pounds heavier than putting me in a sweater with something underneath it. And I think it's cruel that sweaters, a major part of winter wardrobes, look terrible on girls with chests. What am I supposed to do? They're boobs, not hot water bottles. Is this too much information? Sorry. Anyway, send warm clothes, because I'm going to Colorado on Monday, and I am unprepared for the weather because sweaters make me look like the Michelin man. Doyle tells Rory he loves her for helping Logan, until Paris calls off the love fest. Rory leaves, confident in destroying yet another relationship. Paris throws down her folder and stomps off. (Marilyn Manson: Antichrist Superstar.)
Oh, how cute. Lorelai's trying to run a staff meeting at the Dragonfly. Let's listen to hear what she says when she pretends she's the boss. There are all these "workers," and they're wearing "uniforms." It's really quite adorable. Lorelai reminds everybody to punch their time cards: "Punch in, punch out, including lunch and breaks." Hysterical. Like Lorelai, the woman who has no cancellation policy, would force people to punch out for their breaks? What kind of she-devil boss did she become over the past week? "Janice? Am I paying you to eat that sandwich or are you going to eat it while you clean out the horse stable? That's what I thought."
Lorelai then starts the Dragonfly's first official sexual harassment seminar. Michel says, "Finally. Yes, good. Talk to them." Lorelai tells everybody that sexual harassment is bad, so they shouldn't touch anyone else unless he or she is specifically asked. Michel is outraged that this is the extent of Lorelai's lecture, but unless she wants to get sued by quite a few people at this inn (Digger, Sookie, Michel, Grumpy Tom, the Goldfarbs), she'd better keep the rules flexible. Michel thinks that everybody has been harassing him lately. He doesn't want to be ogled just because he walks with a sway and a bounce. Lorelai interrupts, just as Michel is blaming Pilates for his amazing ass, to tell everyone to refrain from ever touching Michel. Lorelai then tells "Billy" and "Adam" to lock the padlock securely because the horses keep getting out, and Cletus was practically in the inn. Didn't all of you think they got rid of the horses months ago? Billy and Adam are like, "Right, lady. Just as soon as you pay one of us."
Lorelai then notices that Kirk is in the back, which leads me to think she doesn't actually look at her employees, or she might have noticed the extra one staring at her -- the one she sees every day in Stars Hollow. Kirk is thinking about going into hotel management (Note to Kirk: run away! Get out while you still have your sanity!), and he's sort of surveying the staff meeting, taking notes for himself. Lorelai tells him he can't crash a staff meeting, which Kirk immediately notes into his notebook. "I'm learning so much," he says to a nameless Dragonfly worker. (Marilyn Manson: Mechanical Animals.)
Michel takes the floor to tell everyone that someone is breaking into the rooms and stealing bars of Toblerone. Sookie immediately looks guilty. I'm not being mean; she's totally the thief. You'll see. (Spoiler alert!) Lorelai's all, "I bet it's the guests!" Michel says that not only do they have thieves, but it's an inside job. Sookie's all, "THAT'S CRAZY! HAS ANYBODY SEEN RORY? SHE SLEPT WITH DEAN! LOOK OVER THERE! IS THAT CLETUS?" Michel suggests surveillance cameras, fingerprinting and FBI involvement. Lorelai tells everyone to drop their pants for Michel as they leave, and adjourns the meeting. Kirk complains that the break room spread isn't as good as some of the other companies he's been surveying.
Luke's. Lane is waiting tables when Kyong enters. Kyong hands Lane her Sam Ash catalogs (which were in the trash with old fish and bok choy) and her Madonna t-shirt (which Lane insists she wore """"Ironically"""" (Note irony-appropriate quotation marks. And also: hey!)) MamaLane was using the t-shirt as a rag, noting that the "whore's face" really gets the grime off. Kyong tells Lane that MamaLane expects her daughter to come to the Lunar New Year party. Lane says this is unbelievable, given the way MamaLane damned my friend Todd Lowe to both the fires of hell and hungry carnivorous dogs. (Kinky: Kinky.) Lane is furious with her mother for just expecting her to come to Lunar New Year like nothing ever happened. Kyong says, "Unh! I'm not your sounding board. I deliver scoop; you deliver Monte Cristo sandwich." Hee.
Lane walks over to mfTL and Brian, who are flipping through their possible band pictures. We don't see the pictures, but we know that Brian was trying a few arty poses, bending over and looking between his legs. Lane hates all of the pictures, because she thinks she looks like the Korean Buddy Holly. (Jane's Addiction: Jane's Addiction.) All the extras in the back are concentrating so hard on drinking from their huge coffee mugs. (Jane's Addiction: Nothing's Shocking. (Had a little disk space problem that sidetracked me. I'll never finish this recap.)) When Brian tells Lane he thinks Buddy Holly is attractive, mfTL advises, "Dude, don't say every thought out loud." MfTL reminds Lane that they aren't Maroon 5 or the Gee Whiz Slicky Boys (not a real band, as far as I can tell). (Jesus and Mary Chain: Honey's Dead.) Someone orders more coffee from Lane, and the scene ends.
Emily and Richard appear to be smart with their money, but here we find out that Emily has been leasing her car. Sitting across from their large dining-room table, Emily informs Richard that the lease on her Mercedes is up month. Richard asks if she wants to buy it. Emily says she's just gotten the seats the way she likes them, so Richard tells her he'll make the arrangements tomorrow. Must be nice. They schedule a water heater technician appointment together. When Emily tells him it conflicts with her hair appointment, Richard wants to know why she's getting her hair done when it looks so perfect. Emily gives him a flirty hand-toss. Richard says he'll get his valet to supervise the water heater appointment. They continue this weird dance over their day planners as they coolly flirt and chat. When they both realize they have their own reasons to be at an upcoming charity event, they decide to go, but not necessarily together.
That weird bar/coffee shop at Yale. Oh, Rory. She's brought, like, seven million pieces of multi-colored paper, which she's stacked all over this bar table to spell out the word DESPERATE. And then Logan walks over and calls her "Ace," prompting Rory to practically spit-take her coffee like she's trying to win a Golden Globe for Best "Okay-I-Guess- We-Have-To-Call-Her- An-Actress-Now- Technically-But- What-The-Fuck- SERIOUSLY." Rory does her bad lying: "OH, LOGAN! I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE AND I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT SO DON'T YOU TRY TO KISS ME BECAUSE I ONLY PUT OUT ON THE SEVENTY-FIFTH DATE. I WON'T EVEN HOLD YOUR HAND UNTIL YOU STEAL SOMETHING FROM ME OR MAKE ME A CAR." (Chemical Brothers: Come With Us.) Logan tells Rory that he's "impressed and partially terrified" at her stalker notes. Rory explains the different sections of her notes. Logan wonders why she's going through so much trouble just for him. Rory stammers that she was just trying to help Doyle out. (Cat Power: You Are Free.) Logan apologizes for his father's bullying. Rory says he's an interesting man, from what she's read. Logan says she might meet him someday. Rory goes, "I BROUGHT YOU NOTES BECAUSE I DON'T THINK YOU'RE CUTE NOR DO I WANT TO MEET YOUR DAD OR SLEEP WITH YOU AND YOUR DAD AT THE SAME TIME."
Logan asks why he never sees Rory around. Rory tells him she's been studying, hanging around the coffee kiosk, and then quickly corrects herself, saying she's not boring. Logan says he knows she isn't. What I don't get is why she's so weird around him. He's been flirting with her from the beginning, and he clearly likes her, gives her special attention and favors, and buys her fancy dresses and all...so what's her deal? She makes Grampa tell him to leave her alone, but now she really wants to be with him? Or what? I don't get it at all. Rory gushes about the Seymour Hersh party, which might be the reason she's pretending to tolerate Logan, but if she's supposed to be pretending to like him, she's doing an excellent job of it. Logan guarantees that the Hersh party will become a bunch of drunk intellectuals discussing stocks and boring, boring, boring. Logan says that he brings a date to these things just to have someone to talk to ("WOW, GEE, THANKS, LOGAN! I LOVE YOU, TOO!"), and then he ditches the party as soon as he can. Rory calls him lucky for getting to spend the evening with a great writer: "Very, very lucky!" Logan smiles tells Rory, "Well, maybe this time it won't be so bad after all." Rory stares at him and it's quiet for a little while. Logan asks Rory if she wants to get something to drink, or if she has to go. Rory: "NO! I DON'T HAVE TO GO -- I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO." (I didn't make that line up in the slightest.) Logan leaves to get them drinks. Can someone tell me how Rory thought she just scored an invite to the Hersh party? Because I missed it, and later when she's upset, I just have to blame that all on the Gilmorian Blinders -- the ones that make those girls think they're the most important things in the universe. (Prodigy: The Fat of the Land.)
Oh, man. It's been almost three hours and I have only recapped fifteen minutes. How did this get so long and out of hand? It's not like I've been doing email or surfing websites. I mean, yes, I spent fifteen minutes trying to find this band we saw in SXSW in 2001 because they had an Asian bassist that made all the boys I was with drool with delight, and I thought I'd post a link, but I can't remember their names, other than that I saw them at the Red Eyed Fly the same night I made a total ass out of myself in front of Janeane Garofalo, trying to pretend I knew something about Teddy Roosevelt, which I most certainly do not, but it made her talk to me, and I looked like I was smart, and man, I'm pathetic.
Luke's. Lorelai says hello to Lane, who has taken off her glasses. Lorelai, for some reason that makes no sense, cannot tell that's what's different about Lane, even though Lorelai herself wears contacts. But she's all, "Lane! You're so much cuter for some reason!" and "Gosh! You're just so much more beautiful for whatever reason I can't quite put my finger on!" Whatever, Lorelai. She reminds Lane that she has a boyfriend, so they probably shouldn't keep flirting. Lane asks if Lorelai wants coffee to go. "It's that special time of day," Lorelai says. Luke is mad because he can't fix the damn oven because of the damn thermostat. Can I tell you now that this "Damn" exchange goes on for quite some time, until Lorelai verbally diagnoses and then fixes the damn problem with the damn oven. This is because she spent all night reading the damn manual to the damn oven, since Luke doesn't have a damn television near his damn bed. It'd be more impressive if Lorelai didn't pronounce "face" as "fashe." (Princess Superstar: Is.) ["Also, Luke didn't have one book in his whole apartment?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai decided to read the oven manual instead of the broiler panel because the oven was shinier and prettier. Luke informs Lorelai that she never ceases to amaze him. Lorelai: "And never will. Bye, doll." They kiss goodbye. Lorelai asks Luke to leave the broiler manual out for her tonight, as she's now into this whole kitchen literature thing. "Kitch Lit!"
Lorelai leaves, and mfTL enters. Lane bounds up to mfTL, ready to accept his gushing praise. Except mfTL isn't all that turned on by the lack of specs. He liked her glasses. "You don't look like you," he says. "You're the first smart girl I've ever gone out with, and the glasses are a big part of that." Lane says that her IQ didn't change, only the plastic she wore on her face. MfTL is bummed that people will have to talk to Lane for a little while to determine that she's not dumb. Lane is okay with that. MfTL's not. When a patron asks if he's supposed to eat his soup without a spoon, mfTL yells at him that Lane's not stupid; she's just not wearing her glasses.
Brah-braah-braaaah. Big man fancy talk in Richard's some-kind-of-office. Something about a lawsuit, secretary, brah-braah-brahhh-cigars and brandy-mwah-ah-ahhh. Man, I gotta go to bed. That's the weirdest collection of words I've ever called "recapping." Good night.
So it's a couple of days later and I'm REALLY STOKED to finish this recap with y'all. No, for reals. I love you guys. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Business guys. Cigars. Lots of big, corporate dick-measuring. They're talking about whether or not "He" will settle, or if they're going to court. I don't know if they're discussing Digger or not. Richard says they're going to need outside counsel for this because it's going to get messy. He suggests Simon McClaine. The other two guys stammer and look anywhere but at Richard as they tell him they figured Simon would be the wrong person for the job, considering his relationship with Emily. Richard takes a moment, processes what they just said, and plays it like he's known all along that Simon and Emily had a relationship. Does that mean all of his business people know Richard and Emily have separated? You'd think Emily would have made more of a deal out of this, upset at what people are assuming about them as they're living their lives straight out of the pages of Tony and Carmela's marriage handbook. Edward Hermann is such a good actor. He takes just a beat before asking, "What about Brant?" The other two agree that Brant is a great choice. Poor Richard. (Run Lola Run soundtrack.)
Lorelai seems pretty mellow with the fact that Cletus has escaped again and is standing in a neighbor's wading pool. Lorelai's quickly turning into the kind of white trash who don't care where her animals roam or who her children sleep with, as long as some man comes to fix her problem with her VEE-hickle. Michel busts in to tattle that he found a mussed bed in Room 3 after he checked it last night and saw it was perfect. "No muss!" he shouts. "No fuss!" Lorelai shouts back. Michel's in no mood for jokes. He has decided that employees are using the rooms for "clandestine encounters" on their coffee breaks. He thinks it's "Lars" and "Celia," due to Celia's recent weight gain. Poor Michel. He doesn't seem to know that new sex makes you lose weight. Sookie suggests they might have a ghost at the inn, an explanation Lorelai's much more interested in exploring. Michel takes the shenanigans until "Hungry Horny Ghosts." Remember that game? Mom took ours because she kept stepping on the marbles that would fall onto the floor. Kirk's in the kitchen, assembling a bouquet, trying to determine if he'd like to work on a kitchen staff some day. I'd love to see Kirk do his taxes. How many W-2s does he receive in a year? Is he incorporated? Is he also his own accountant? Sookie and Lorelai fire Kirk. Lorelai gets a phone call.
Lorelai goes into the other room to take her call from Rory. Wouldn't you think by now Lorelai's phone would ring "Sexual Healing" or something when it's Rory? Presumptuous Rory asks if Lorelai will cover her this Friday, since she may have a "thing" she needs to do. You know Rory's not ready to be sexually active, when she still calls a blowjob a "thing" to "do." Lorelai's just dirty enough to figure out it's a "man thing" (See? DIRTY!), and Rory whines that she doesn't want to jinx it, since it's not a definite yet. Michel finds Lorelai to inform her that there might be another sexual harassment suit filed against him, since he just asked Lars if he was "seeing anybody special." Michel heads out the door (presumably to find that horse), and Kirk runs after to retrieve him for Lorelai, creating a whole new job for himself: French Wrangler.
The band. Everybody's grumpy and they're not getting a song right. Brian tells mfTL that his E string is flat. MfTL says that makes it more rock and roll. MfTL counts down in German, much to Sebastian Bach's annoyance. But I'm used to mfTL counting in German, as he used to be in the Neu Tickles. They launch into a Pixies song that's quickly interrupted by knocking on the front door. "Who the hell is that?" mfTL asks into the microphone. "I hope it's not my girlfriend's husband," Brian quips. "Aw, that's fresh!" mfTL laughs into the mic. Hee. It's MamaLane at the door. Lane squares her shoulders and gets ready to stand her ground against her mother. MamaLane mentions the E string. MamaLane tells Lane she has to come to the Lunar New Year party or she'll be humiliating her mother. Lane reminds her mother that she recently yelled at mfTL at a newsstand, which is certainly humiliation. "That is in the past," MamaLane says. Lane says she'll only come to the party if she can bring her boyfriend. MamaLane says she only has enough chairs for those invited. Lane reminds her mother that she, in fact, sells chairs for a living, and probably has enough. MamaLane says that if "Boy" comes, then she will invite the Parks, whom Lane hates. MamaLane: "You shouldn't hate the Parks." Lane: "You hate the Parks! They're mean!" MamaLane: "I get to hate the Parks." Lane says she's going to bring her entire band, then. MamaLane likes that -- since it will look less like Lane has a boyfriend, I bet. MamaLane leaves. The band's all, "Thanks, Lane. Awesome." (The Sounds: Living In America. ["ooh. Great single, disappointing album." -- Wing Chun])
The band arrives at MamaLane's. Sebastian Bach thinks they might be early, since he doesn't hear anything, but Lane explains that's the sound of a couple dozen Christian-Koreans partying down. Brian immediately launches into a fun fact about the décor: he did a little internet reading on the Korean New Year. Sebastian Bach says that the internet also has lots of pictures of girls with tattoos on motorcycles: "You would think it gets old? But it DOESN'T." Sebastian Bach's been reading my website, I guess. I hope he likes my "18 and Life" tattoo, to my "I Remember You" tattoo. You're all too young to know where I put those. As Sebastian Bach hides his AC/DC ring, MamaLane answers the door. Sebastian Bach goes for an unreturned handshake. Brian greets MamaLane in Korean. "He likes the internet," Lane explains. "Who's this half-boy hiding behind you?" she asks. Lane calmly reminds MamaLane that she's met mfTL a few times. I don't know why they insist on calling him by that "Zach" name. "Happy New Year, I guess," mfTL drones.
Watch out, Lorelai! There's your ex-boyfriend Snow all over the place! Don't let him see you until you put on more makeup, lose five pounds, and totally have a great boyfriend. Lorelai runs into Jackson and Davey on the street. Jackson asks Lorelai if she'll lay off of Sookie's hours right now, because she's been staying at the inn awful late and it's taking a toll on their family and her pregnancy. Lorelai doesn't know what Jackson's talking about with the late nights, since Lorelai's sure Sookie's been leaving even before Lorelai does. Sookie would have to call it a day at around 2 PM for that to be possible. Lorelai pretends to know what Jackson's talking about, and says she'll take care of it. Jackson tells Davey it's time to get him laid (I'm not kidding; it's what he says), and they leave.
Emily leaves her house, giving one last order to her maid to get rid of the fish smell. She meets Richard in the driveway. Richard is curt and cold. Emily notices his change. See? One joke, and then the rest of the scene is done almost silently, with really good acting. Give Richard and Emily their own show. With Lane. Why can't they have the spin-off? Why did they just get rid of the whole spin-off thing just because it didn't work with Jess? Didn't Dawson get five spin-offs? (Smashing Pumpkins: Gish.)
MamaLane's. Long pan across several tables of families, only to discover Lane and her band at the Kids' Table. It's just the four of them, without even a tablecloth, chowing down. Sebastian Bach loves the food because it's "slimy," which goes down easier: "And I get the sense it keeps sliding, right? Which helps your colon and stuff! Because it scrapes when it slides? And because it's not in ya for long, you don't get fat." That's way more fat jokes in one episode than this show normally allows. Rude mfTL can't even fake enjoying himself at Lane's family's home. He complains about the food, and then stands to leave the table. But the little kid sitting to him loudly informs him, "You're not allowed to leave the table!" MfTL tells him that nature's calling, but it doesn't matter: "Nature must wait!" The entire table drops chopsticks and stares. Nobody leaves the table. In fact, MamaLane locks the bathroom door. (Snoop: Doggy Style.) MamaLane stands and announces they are done with this portion of the meal. There will be a thirty-minute break before dessert, while Mrs. Shin and her fellow musicians play in the other room. Awesome! The Shins are gonna play again! (Tones on Tail: Night Music.) Brian gives fun facts on all the Korean instruments. Sebastian Bach gets permission from the little kid to get up. Kyong is impressed with Brian's knowledge of Korean culture, and then immediately shamed for talking to him. She says she should go straight to her room. Brian asks her to stay. Aw, awkward love. MamaLane gives Lane a look. Perhaps because Lane's boyfriend is making a face like he's trapped in a haunted house.
We're at that weird bar/coffeehouse where Rory drinks a hot chocolate and Logan drinks a beer. Rory can't believe Logan's never seen The Office. Logan admits that he feels very stupid. Lane says it's brilliant, especially the fourth time he sees it, because that'll be the first time he understands what they're saying. Or you could put on closed captioning the first time. Rory says she'll loan him the DVDs, but only if he promises to abide by the fourth-time rule. Logan returns Rory's giant stack of notes. She says she hoped they helped. "They did!" Logan says. "Some guy tried to mug me earlier and I beat him to death with them." He tells Rory that the story is done, Doyle's safe, and all is right with the world. "You're welcome," Rory says. Logan says that this has been fun, but he's got to go, as he's heading to New York. Rory says, "FOR YOUR DAD'S PARTY." Logan tells her to have a good weekend. Aw, yeah! I love it when Rory gets dissed. Suck it, Gilmore. Some of us don't get everything we want on the first try.
Lorelai walks into the inn. Lorelai: "Hey, Kirk." Kirk: "No messages." Lorelai: "Super." Hee.
Upstairs, Lorelai opens one of the rooms to find Sookie, in bed, with Toblerone, watching television on eleven. You're fired. (Justin Timberlake: Justified.) I don't get how Lorelai is like, "Hey, what's up?" but she is, and Sookie tells Lorelai that this all started because she wanted to see an episode of Dark Shadows. She was only supposed to do it once, but the room was good and there was chocolate and she had an hour all to herself, which was great. "I'm horrible," she realizes. "I'm the most horrible person in the world." Lorelai says that Emily will be sad to know she's been dethroned. Sookie: "I'm lying to my husband. I'm eating the inn's candy!" Lorelai says Sookie should tell Jackson she needs some time to herself, and that he'd understand. That's the problem, Sookie says -- that Jackson would understand, because he's the most understanding, perfect husband, and she's stealing Toblerone from the guests. She says she'd feel too guilty, because Jackson works hard too, and she's shirking her motherly duties, and she couldn't possibly relax. Lorelai says she gets it. Sookie apologizes for not telling her. Lorelai tells Sookie to tell Jackson, only because Jackson thinks this is all Lorelai's fault. Sookie promises to do so, just after this episode of Dark Shadows. The two snuggle in bed, eat chocolate, and watch the program. "These rooms ARE nice," Lorelai notes.
Charity...function...ball...event thing. Emily arrives. Simon leans into her window for some innocent flirting. He's there with his daughter and her husband, and would like to introduce her. Before he gets a chance, a car comes screeching from behind and slams into Emily's. Now, perhaps the Foley artist went a little crazy, but it sounds like Emily should be either dead or suffering from a serious concussion. But she's fine, just annoyed, even though her neck shouldn't let her whip her head around in fury quite that quickly. It's Richard who barreled into her car. And Richard gets out of his car and informs Emily that he misjudged the distance. He tells Simon to go away and not call her anymore. (Q-Tip: Amplified.) He drags Emily by the arm from the party into his car, saying she cannot go to the party now that she's been in an accident. Inside his car, he says they should maybe go to the hospital. Richard tells Emily she should wait outside the car for the valet. "I know you dated him," he says. "Simon McClaine! I know you dated Simon McClaine!" Emily doesn't want to talk about it, so soon after her accident. Richard says he found out about it in a business meeting, which isn't exactly the best time. Emily says it was dinner and nothing happened. Richard says he only had lunch with Pennilynn Lott, but she didn't believe him. "People are staring, Richard," Emily says. Richard drives off -- not slamming into any other cars, surprisingly.
There's a jam goin' on at the Kims', y'all. Sebastian Bach plays along. Everyone's having a great time except the pouty lovebirds. Lane says they'll leave immediately after dessert. MfTL says he's counting the seconds. Why is his hair feathered? MamaLane tries to pull Lane into the kitchen for help, but Lane doesn't want to leave her man's side. MamaLane says she needs to come. Lane says she doesn't have to, since she's a guest, and she doesn't like MamaLane dictating what she does. MfTL tries to get Lane to listen to her mother. "Such insolence!" MamaLane spits. "You don't get it, Mama," Lane says. MamaLane: "Oh, I get it. You're modern woman now." She says Lane's got new values now, values she didn't teach her. "Spending time with boys. Living with boys. Banging drums and playing noise in a rock band with boys. Paint on your fingernails. Gel in your hair. So vain now you don't even wear your glasses." And here's where MamaLane and mfTL bond, over Lane's contacts: "You're not you without your glasses." They liked her better before, with glasses, when she looked smart and different and not pretty and girly like everyone else. It's a weird kind of love and repression, and they bond so well that they immediately go through Lane's baby photo albums. The song ends, and Sebastian Bach screams, "Ooooh, YEAH! AWESOME! YOU GUYS ROCK!" Then he asks if they know some Deep Purple.
Emily and Richard walk through the front door. Richard says he'll make arrangements to get Emily's car tomorrow. "Thank you," she says. Richard says she might want to re-think that lease. See? Waste of money. Richard says he doesn't want to go back to the poolhouse. "Come home," Emily says. They stare at each other.
Rory and Lorelai meet by the poolhouse for Friday-night dinner. Lorelai is surprised to see Rory. Rory says the thing wasn't for sure and now it's a nothing. She says she doesn't want to talk about it. Lorelai tells Rory that the poolhouse is empty. They walk to the front and see Emily and Richard together. At first it appears as though they are arguing, but Emily is laughing. Lorelai's unsure if it's an evil, laughing-at-your-pain laugh. The girls watch until Richard and Emily are kissing. Lorelai has a "Chandler and Monica! Chandler and Monica! My eyes! My eyes!" moment. Richard and Emily see them and open the door, inviting them in. They announce their reconciliation. Rory is super-happy. Lorelai asks when it happened. Emily: "Yesterday." Richard: "And last night. And this morning!" Lorelai: "Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions. Don't ask questions." week they're going to renew their wedding vows. A week from tomorrow, on their fortieth wedding anniversary. Gosh, they waited a while before having Lorelai. Also: this show should know better than to repeat a timeframe to us over and over again. week we'll be counting the hours, trying to figure it all out. Emily tells Lorelai she's going to be Emily's Maid of Honor. Richard's valet informs him that he has a phone call. Richard tells Emily he's going to fire the valet week. Everybody loves a good firing. The phone call is about the ceremony, and after all the wedding planning I've been doing for the past six months, I cannot handle even listening to someone else's wedding plans. Particularly in this instance, when they want some Rose Room so badly, they're going to pay the other party who reserved the room to change their date. Emily steals Lorelai away to go upstairs. Richard tells us that Rory is going to be his Best Man. Lorelai is terrified of what's going to happen upstairs.
Lorelai was right to be terrified, because it's a room filled with wedding dresses, and Alex Borstein in some makeup that makes me sad. Alex plays that creepy Miss Celine again, and it's a conflict, because I love Alex and I think she's immensely talented, but it's always weird to have someone in "character" suddenly in this world full of people playing who they are. It's like, is she actually a young person who pretends to be old and everybody just goes along with it because that's what her mother has asked the town to do? Or does nobody know she's actually my age? Or...I know I'm ruining the wonder and fun, but it's weird, right? Why does she have to be so old? She could talk and behave exactly the same way, but be her own age, and it'd be hilarious. Anyway. Old movie talk. Miss Celine calls Lorelai "Natalie Wood" again. As Miss Celine goes on, Emily tries on some dresses. Miss Celine asks Lorelai if she's married yet. Lorelai says she isn't. Emily brags that Lorelai has opened her own inn, which she runs. This rare moment of parental pride doesn't go unnoticed by Lorelai. Miss Celine asks Emily if she's going to need breasts. Emily says she's fine. Emily puts on an ugly dress. Lorelai hands her a new one. Miss Celine says she told Marilyn to wear a flat hat for her wedding to Arthur Miller, since it would remind him of a book: "She didn't, and we all saw how that turned out." Emily puts on another dress. Everybody likes it. Lorelai's busy holding a dress up to herself. Emily goes to try on the Dior, just for giggles.
We're back at Luke's studio. Luke's sleeping on the other side of the bed tonight, which is weird. Lorelai's in the same flannel. Luke is complaining about the food at Al's Pancake World, swearing he'll never go back there ever, ever again. The manicotti was square, flat, and blue. Luke tells Lorelai he shouldn't go to the vow renewal, since he's not her parents' favorite person. Lorelai says she's not their favorite person either, and she has to go. She knows her parents are weird, but they don't hate Luke; they just don't know him. She swears this is the perfect opportunity because they'll be happy and drunk and he'll be charming and happy and they'll fall in love with him. Speaking of, is anybody on this show ever going to tell someone else that they're in love? It never happens. There's no "I love you." Except that one awesome time. Luke has to go because Lorelai told him he has to go so he's going to go. Lorelai got her way, and then immediately gets it again: there's a television in the room, that Luke bought this morning for her. Lorelai curls into bed with Jon Stewart, so it can't be too early. Lorelai tells Luke he's too good for her. Luke hopes to meet a nice girl at the vow renewal. Me too, Luke. Me too.
Christopher keeps his baby up way fucking late watching The Teletubbies. I guess he's done mourning. He's online (with his internet girlfriend, I assume). Emily shows up and walks in. Christopher tells her he has a maid/nanny combo. Emily gets right to the point. She tells him she didn't used to think much of him, and she still doesn't, but he comes from an impeccable family and he loves Lorelai and always has. She says she knows they would have gotten married if it weren't for that thing on the floor (indicating the baby). She thinks Luke is unsuitable for both Lorelai and Rory: "My daughter's stubborn. But she's capable of greatness. And watching her settle down with a man who could hold her back from that is unacceptable. You, at least, won't hold her back." Christopher is confused. Emily isn't. She leaves him with an invitation to her ceremony and a warning that he's running out of time if he ever wants to win her daughter. That kid needs to be in bed! Why won't somebody take care of the children on this show?
See you in a couple of weeks. Be sweet to Al. She hates Rory and loves Luke.