Previously, there was a show called Gilmore Girls, and some of you really, really like it.
We open in bed. It's been so long that for a second I don't remember that Lorelai and Luke are sleeping together. That might be because they've moved so effortlessly into the "buddies" portion of their relationship that I forget they're supposed to be sexually attracted to each other. Lorelai wakes up and gives the room a giant sniff. Careful -- there might still be some Jess molecules in that room. She immediately sets to waking Luke up. Luke isn't very interested in waking up. Lorelai pulls back the covers, telling him that he's missing it. "Is 'it' sleep?" Luke asks. "'Cause you'd be right." Lorelai pulls Luke back and tells him to "smell it." Dirty! The camera immediately swoops around the bed in a semi-circle, which is a pretty weird move in this tiny little apartment, as Lorelai giggles and pushes Luke out of bed. Luke complains about all of the things that are cold in this situation, like the air, the floor, himself. Luke and Lorelai grumble and grunt at each other as she pushes him out of the apartment.
It's still dark outside Luke's as they run into the street. Luke's still complaining about being cold, which might be because they're outside in their pajamas, and possibly their slippers. Lorelai is very excited because she smells snow. She tells Luke that she can always tell when it's coming: "I'm never wrong." She says this is her favorite time of the year, because the "whole world changes color" (a bit of an exaggeration). Luke grumps about being cold while Lorelai goes on and on about how great snow is. Lorelai says she and snow have a great history together. Luke says that snow isn't in the forecast. Snow, snow, snow. I don't think you understand how much they go on about how Lorelai likes snow and Luke didn't hear about it in any forecast. In fact, if Luke actually watches that many weather forecasts a day, I worry about him. Anyway, cue the CGI snow. Lorelai is proud of herself, and Luke couldn't care less. He grumps back into the house, because the bloom is off the rose of their courtship. Lorelai sighs into the snow.
Luke's. Breakfast. Taylor, Andrew, the Reverend, and a few other townies are trying to find the right way to say "whore." "Concubine" is too "high-falutin'." The Reverend really wants us to know that just because he works for God doesn't mean he doesn't live a normal life. "Harlot" is out. As is "woman of accommodating morals." Luke, unfortunately, asks what they're doing. Taylor reminds this man who has lived here his entire life that with the first snow comes the Revolutionary War Re-Enactment. And I do believe Luke's quite familiar with how it goes down. We know this is true because Luke then launches into the entire story, once again. Taylor and his friends are very excited, because a "local historian" (who -- Gypsy?) uncovered new information about that night and Stars Hollow's participation. An English battalion was waiting for their General, who had plans for a big battle. The Stars Hollow soldiers caught wind of this and blocked "the high road," which forced the general to take "the lower road" through town. Wake up, everybody. There's more. They talked some poor girl in town into seducing the general and having sex with him so that he'd never reach his battalion. "A hooker stopped a battle," Luke recaps. One of the re-enactors tells Luke they're not going to call her a "hooker." So they're all trying to figure out what to call her. Taylor says this new re-enactment is going to be a huge boost to tourists. Particularly if they do the re-enactment in real time. Taylor says they're having a casting session soon to pick their "special lady." I hope they cast Miss Patty; she'll at least have the most fun with the role. Also, I think that casting session is illegal. They want a woman who's thin, but not too thin. They asks Luke if he knows anybody who fits the bill. I can't believe Luke doesn't offer up his sister, making her immediately participate in this town's weekly time-consuming extravaganzas. Luke promises to let them know if he runs into any "moderately-weighted whores."
Lorelai comes downstairs and gushes about how awesome it is that the re-enactors are meeting. Luke offers Lorelai coffee, which she declines. Might as well stop recapping right here, since this show doesn't even make any sense anymore. Lorelai's going on about snow as the re-enactors check out her whoreability. Luke tells her to walk out of there, but not to walk too sexily. Lorelai can't help flirting with them just a bit as she walks by. Andrew declares her to be "too thin." The grumpy one warbles that this isn't about his taste. Andrew says he's just trying to be historically accurate. He says that women were heavier back then, which I don't think is true. ["It actually probably was; it's not like they were eating a lot of protein and working out all the time." -- Wing Chun] "How 'bout your wife?" The Reverend asks the grumpy one, who responds: "You wanna sock in the nose?"
Emily's on the phone, making plans with someone, who I'm guessing is her sorta boyfriend, but I didn't catch his name last time. She is halted mid-conversation, however, when she sees a dog standing in the snow outside her back door. The dog is really cute, and is sort of just like, "Hey. I'm a scamp." Emily freaks out and asks "Gene" to hold on. She calls Richard on the other line.
Richard stops packing his briefcase and answers. Emily tells him there's a dog on the patio. "What? Emily?" Richard asks, confused. Emily asks if he got a dog. Richard says he didn't. Emily tells him she's inside and she needs him to do something. Richard can't see the dog from the poolhouse. She whines that the dog is looking at her. Emily tries to shoo the dog away. Richard appears, still on the phone, and walks over to the dog. Emily asks why he's holding a long, pointy object. Richard says she made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so he came prepared. Emily warns him not to get too close. Richard says he sees a collar, but no tag. He makes a few circles around the dog and decides they have to do something, since it's freezing outside and they can't leave the dog in it. Emily says that the dog can't come into the house. Richard's still upset that the dog doesn't have tags. Emily tells him to take the dog to the poolhouse, since that's why they have it. Richard: "We have a poolhouse for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily." He says he'll take the dog. Emily thanks him, adding that she came out and the dog was just sitting there. Richard asks if it's a "he." Emily says she doesn't know. Richard says he can't get a visual from that angle. Richard clears his throat: "Dog! I want you to come with me. Come on, Dog!" And then the dog follows him, much to Emily's amazement. "Good job, Richard!" Emily praises. On the other line, Gene's all, "I wonder how much longer I'm going to be on hold."
Dragonfly. Lorelai bounces in and beams to Michel, "You know who just nipped at my nose? Jack Frost." Oh, shut up, Lorelai. Get over it. It's January. Michel: "You know who just nipped at my ear? Jack I-Don't-Care." Lorelai is very happy to see the inn covered in snow: "It looks like a postcard!" Michel says he hasn't been this excited since Madonna just dropped by Total Request Live. I love it when Lorelai suddenly decides to be a boss. It's so cute, like anyone actually would listen to her. She tells Michel that the floors are wet. Michel, who clearly runs this place, patiently explains to Lorelai that they don't have any mats. It's a long story that sounds like it's totally Lorelai's fault, and soon they will be looking at a very expensive lawsuit from someone slipping and breaking his neck on the wet floors. Michel tells Lorelai that the good news is there will now be fewer people to possibly slip on the floors, since the snow has made many of the guests cancel. Lorelai can't understand why the world wouldn't want to drive through the snow and leave their warm homes when snow is just so snowy and awesome. It's snawsome.
Snow! SNOW! LORELAI REALLY REALLY LOVES SNOW, Y'ALL. Her default web address when she opens a new browser? Snow.com. Did you know that based on National Weather Service records for 1961 through 1990, Rochester, New York averages 94 inches of snow annually and is the snowiest large city in the United States? Lorelai knew that. Her favorite movie? Smilla's Sense of Snow. Her favorite Hostess treat? Snowballs. Her favorite fake-rapper? Snow. Favorite band nobody's heard of? Snowden. Her favorite flake? Nope. She's her favorite flake. Michel advises Lorelai change their cancellation policy. Lorelai doesn't want to punish people for flaking (see?), because she thinks that's "too corporate." It's also going to be why you're "too bankrupt." Here's the thing. You've got a recapper here who grew up in the hotel industry, including working for a few hotels, both big and cracky. Here's the thing: you always overbook. Always. Because people always cancel. And you don't let them cancel, like, an hour before check-in. You can't run an inn that way. Maybe if Lorelai let SNOW have a room, then she could fill up the place with a snowman family, and Sookie could serve spaghetti and snowballs. And they don't even have to get cable, because you know they'll just watch snow. Heh. Michel says exactly what I just said, telling Lorelai that bankruptcy will be fun and different, too. Why doesn't she just let Michel be the front office manager, and she could be the owner, and then she can flit around like she wants to without actually annoying the people who work all day in that inn? Lorelai has no defense against Michel's logic, so she tells him to try to find mats. Hey, why don't you make a call, Lor? Or does your best friend snow think phones are lame?
Lorelai figures her best, jolly friend Sookie will giggle and squeal about how snowsome snow is. But Sookie's grumpy because her car wouldn't start, and it's so cold that the baby's going to freeze inside her belly. Lorelai hears about the car and is all, "Drag." Way to help a friend in need, lady. Sookie tells Lorelai that they're out of coffee. Out, as in, there's no more at the inn. Now Lorelai's moved to care. Screw Sookie's carburetor. There's no COFFEE? How will Lorelai continue to be perky? How can they be out of cute juice? She totally wants to send Sookie out in the snow without a car to find coffee and mats. Lorelai tells a Beverly Hills Cop joke that goes over all of our heads like an ice-filled snowball. Sookie reminds Lorelai that her car wouldn't start. Lorelai says that's no excuse for Sookie to lose her sense of humor. Gah, Lorelai! Sookie then reminds Lorelai that they're out of coffee because Lorelai wanted them to switch suppliers. Lorelai tells Sookie to send out for more coffee immediately. Michel tells her that it's not possible, since one of the magical snowplows of snawesome snow just pushed fifteen feet of the sweet stuff in their driveway. Nobody can get in or out of the inn. "Unbelievable!" Lorelai pouts. Michel says it doesn't matter anyway, since everybody cancelled and nobody's coming to the inn today. Lorelai says they all have to get out eventually to go home, and that they need coffee right now. She tells Michel to "start the guys digging." Michel says there's only one guy who didn't call in sick today because of the snow. Has Lorelai even looked at her desk yet today? Why doesn't she know anything that's going on? She tells Michel to get the one guy to start digging. Sookie won't let Lorelai have the last of the coffee, since there are actual guests who pay money to pay for that coffee. This is confusing to Lorelai, who always gets what she wants faster than Veruca Salt can say "Now."
Yale. Rory finds Paris in the common room on hold with C-SPAN. You'd think Paris would stay far away from C-SPAN, but that girl will not be discouraged. I love Paris's Noam Chomsky poster. Paris complains that they'll put anybody else on C-SPAN, even the guys who shout "Ba-Ba-Booey." But not her.
Rory opens the door to find Christopher standing there. He knows where she goes to school? That's surprising. Even more surprising, he's not handing Gigi off to her, asking her to babysit last-minute. "Did you bring the baby?" Rory asks. Where would the baby be, Rory? Behind his back? Waiting in the car? He says the baby's off getting spoiled by her grandmother. Rory says she has class, so she can't just "hang out." Chris says he's seen Oxford Blues, so he should know what classes are. Paris tells C-SPAN she has some ideas on how to get them out of the ratings basement: "And putting me on hold is not one of them." Rory asks Christopher if he was just passing through. Christopher says he was near in the area and thought they could get breakfast, since it's the most important meal of the day. Rory's terribly condescending as she tells her father that people at Yale have to skip breakfast because they're so busy being smart that they can't possibly stop to eat, even though we see Rory eating more than we've ever seen her read. I miss fun Rory. Remember fun Rory, who loved everything and had a passion for life? This cheating, mopey, solemn Rory is always busy or complaining or whining. Remember when Rory could just read a good book and she'd be in a happy mood for days? I understand that teenagers get the mopes, but this is ridiculous. Christopher invites Paris to join in for breakfast. Paris: "I am kind of hungry, and C-SPAN can kiss my ass." Rory practically screams that she will not go eat with Christopher because her grandparents are spending a lot of money to send her to this fancy school. Some of that sentence may not have been said by Rory, and was mostly my own interpretation of the events. Rory stomps past her father and leaves. I'm not going to do a scarf count because I want to finish this recap before 2006, but know that everybody's wearing a scarf.
Oh, and I got married. Yep. I'm a wife. And it was really, really, really fun. I highly recommend it.
Lorelai's on the phone, trying to convince someone not to cancel his reservation. Snow, snow, snow. Magic, magic, magic. Lorelai agrees that driving in the snow is tricky, and says she hopes they'll reschedule. She pouts through the lobby and slips on the floor right in front of the door, where Michel emerges holding a shovel. Lorelai says she's desperate for the mats. Michel says he can't get them mats when she's asked him to shovel snow. Maybe someone might put down a towel or a rug or something so that nobody dies. Michel complains that all the snow-digging (the opposite of Lorelai's snow-digging) has caused a crick in his neck, which will cramp his kissing style on his date tonight. Michel explains that he is light-boned and cannot take too much physical labor (Dirty!). Lorelai "excuses" him from shoveling duty (Dirty!), and tells him to focus on the mats instead. Pick up a phone, Lorelai. Michel says that the Goldfarbs are missing after the cross-country skiing expedition Lorelai put them on this morning. Lorelai is now filling her coffee cup with all the leftover coffee from everyone else's mugs. That's an Ew, but also, how long do dirty breakfast dishes and plates hang around in their dining room? Michel just said it's past noon. Lorelai tells Michel to keep calling the Golfarbs' cell phone until he finds them. Should this be before or after he calls about the mats? Sookie calls Lorelai out on the gross thing she's about to do. Lorelai denies it. Lorelai practically breaks into tears and whines that if she doesn't get coffee soon, things are going to get ugly. Sookie says she's ashamed of Lorelai. "I'm ashamed of me, too," Lorelai says quietly. It's a great line reading. Lorelai says she has to get out. Michel reminds her that the driveway is still blocked. Lorelai says she'll walk, somehow, even though she can't because the Goldfarbs have the skis, and she's going to find coffee. Michel tells her to be careful of the floor. Cue the off-camera pratfall.
Emily knocks on the poolhouse door. Richard answers. Emily says she was wondering if everything was okay, since she saw his car parked in the driveway. Richard explains that he took the morning off, as he's still hanging out with Dog: "She's been fairly calm." Emily asks if it's a she. Richard says he ascertained that. He found out the breed as well. He points Emily to dogbreed411.com. (Not a real website; don't waste your time. Not that I did. Shut up.) Emily finds the internet to be "amazing" and "clever," but she's somehow never even touched a mouse. Anyway, Richard guides her to a Louis Vuitton website, and the thing you know Emily's getting banned from our forum.
Rory's in that one classroom they have at Yale. Her philosophy class is wrapping up. Oh, too bad week's class is about morals. Rory could have used that one last semester.
Stalker Daddy waits outside Rory's classroom with two coffees. Man, if my dad had ever done that, I'd never stop bragging. I'd be like, "Your dad's a fireman and saves lives? That's pretty cool. But one day after a really boring philosophy class where I was like, 'Gah, this is boring. I wonder what marriage I should break up .' I like, walked outside of class and Dad was there with coffee! It was awesome!" Sidenote: I cannot do a scarf count for this episode, since I never learned how to count that high. Thanks for the public-school education, Dad! Christopher talks about himself in the third person, which is always creepy, in an attempt to say that he's no longer going to be creepy. Rory fidgets and pouts and conveys "annoyed" as much as possible. All this snow and nobody's wearing a hat or gloves? And why are the scarves all open and draped around them like that Good Will Hunting math teacher? Christopher finally gets to the point: "I hate our relationship, okay? I hate it." Love you too, Dad. Christopher continues: "This wall? This stupid wall? It sucks. And I put it there." Rory hugs her coffee, which I guess isn't too hot. Christopher says he's been in Hartford a lot because his dad is sick and his mom's with his baby. Why can't his mom be with her husband? Why can't you be with the baby, Christopher? He says he had this wall with his father, and he doesn't want to have the same relationship with Rory. He doesn't want her visiting him when he's old and sick just because she has to. Hey, Christopher. Maybe right now you should work on patching things up with your dad instead of your young, healthy daughter. Just a suggestion. Also, you might want to go change your baby's diaper. Because your mom? Little preoccupied with her sick husband. I just tried to start the TiVo with my coffee mug. That can't be a good sign. Christopher hands Rory a fistful of creams and sugars, as he (predictably) didn't know how she took her coffee: "So I got you everything." For a change. He'll buy her everything when it's free. Now if you'll excuse Rory, Christopher, she's got to go back to class because her grandparents are spending a fortune to raise her in such a way that she'll forget her shitty deadbeat dad.
"Girl" Auditions are at Miss Patty's. Taylor is lecturing the unlucky auditioners, letting them know that this is an historic re-enactment. See, this is the first time they've let a woman be in the re-enactment. That's why she has to be a whore. Kirk sticks to Taylor's side, reminding him constantly how great Lulu would be for the part. Taylor says that this is the first vital role a woman has played in their re-enactment. Yes, he said it again. He kind of said it three times. It's what we call "filler." Anyway, Taylor kicks out four girls based purely on their looks. He asks the rests to give him a "come hither" look. And then it's all very humiliating, with bad acting as girls try to look skanky and available. Taylor gives directorial notes the same way my first headshot photographer coached me a number of years ago. His name was Stefano, and he said to me: "I vant you to see Johnny Depp in zee cornah, here. And he iz looking at you. And he iz sexy, no? And you see zee Johnny and he see you and he smile. Oh, zee sexy smile at you. And you smile back, yes? Now. Smile! CHIN DOWN THAT'S RIGHT I TAKE SHOT! GOOD." In all of those headshots, I alternate between looking like I want to leave, and looking like I can't believe how much money I'm spending to pretend to look at Johnny Depp. And then they misspelled my name. Ten points if you know it, Wing, because Djb totally got it right in this weekend's "How Well Do You Know Me" game. ["Pamlea? If that's right, can I have your dessert spoons?" -- Wing Chun] Taylor ejects another two whores, including "Little Debby," his niece. Miss Patty is a little uncomfortable with Taylor coaching his young relative to be a woman of the night. Kirk stands behind Taylor and mimics the "come hither" look as Lulu tries to mirror him. "Oh, Kirk, don't be a pageant mom," Miss Patty scolds. Taylor asks the girls to take off their clothes. "It's cold outside," Lulu protests. Taylor says that the scarlet woman of Stars Hollow yore didn't think about the cold when she gave up her "greatest treasure." I'm going to sue this episode for sexual harassment. Kirk tells Taylor that Lulu's got a bunch of "hot outfits," and that they can put her in something. Taylor cuts another girl and Kirk gives Lulu a happy shake of the fists. Why does Lulu put up with all of this?
Taylor runs out of Miss Patty's and asks Lorelai if she'd play the Woman of Easy Virtue. As Lorelai declines the sweet offer, she stomps into an ice puddle. She is very upset, as would I be, if I thought it'd be smart to wear four-hundred-dollar stilettos in the middle of winter. But then if I did that I'd be so stupid that I'd obviously get angry about all sorts of irrational things, like wind, salt, the number seven. Taylor goes back inside, asking to see the girls' "sexy walks."
Lorelai stomps into Luke's, the strum and trumpet of wacky protagonist gloom wavering in the background. Lorelai whines about the puddle that came up and ruined her outfit. Luke goes to fix it. Lorelai tells him to stop doing that and give her coffee right away. Luke goes to get her coffee. Lorelai says "gimme." Luke asks about her day. Lorelai spits out a litany of complaints, including the missing Goldfarbs. Lorelai sips her coffee and practically screams: "Hot! Warn me!" Luke apologizes for inventing coffee and making it hot, because how could Lorelai ever be expected to take the blame for anything when she's so fucking perfect that her precious lips should ne'er feel heat, nor too cold, nor have to move rapidly while on the phone to order mats, find the Goldfarbs, hire some extra laborers, order coffee or perhaps blow a stream of cool air upon her recently ordered hot beverage. Kirk runs into Luke's, screaming, "My girlfriend's the whore! My girlfriend's the whore! Woohoo! Yeah!" Lorelai complains that she's not even the town whore anymore. Technically, that honor goes to Rory. Luke offers to leave a little something on the dresser for her. Lorelai would only complain that you didn't tip her enough. And then she'd make you make her breakfast. And then give yourself a blowjob. What? I said it. Luke gives Lorelai an ice cube to fix her precious lip. Gah.
Emily's on the phone, trying to find someone who's looking for a white, long-haired Jack Russell terrier. She hangs up and tells Richard she figured a call to the neighborhood busybody was the first thing they should do. How many days have they had the dog that they just started making phone calls? Richard says that the dog is asleep, but he needs a food bowl. Wait, is it still the same day? It's been a really long day. Emily fetches Richard a food bowl and asks what he's feeding the dog. Richard says he'll pick some chunks of meat out of some leftover stew. Emily is mortified to find out that Richard's valet serves him stew. She makes Richard promise to tell the valet to prepare more proper food. Richard thanks Emily for the bowl and promises that the stew is history. Emily has a moment after Richard leaves to let us know that they're on the mend.
Hey, I forgot how Lorelai sews. Anyway, she's made an entire whore outfit for Lulu while telling Rory all about the newest historical footnote to Stars Hollow's role in the Revolutionary War. ["And may I just say, if Lorelai can just whip that shit up, she's missed her calling in life and should be an Oscar-winning costume designer." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks Lorelai why she hasn't said anything about the first snow. Lorelai says that she and snow had a rough day today, which was probably due to the fact that she's too clingy with snow. Snow needed to create a boundary and push her away -- give itself a little space. Rory notes that snow and men have a lot in common. Lorelai asks Rory if anything interesting happened to her today, and Rory does that thing where she lies so poorly that it's like she's asking someone to ask her if she's lying. All, "NO! NOPE! NOTHING INTERESTING! NOT A THING. NOT EVEN DAD COMING TO SEE ME OUT OF THE BLUE, BEGGING TO REPAIR OUR RELATIONSHIP. IF THAT HAPPENED, I'D TOTALLY TELL YOU, BUT NOPE. JUST ME AND BOOKS TODAY. THEY TRIED TO TEACH ME ABOUT MORALS IN PHILOSOPHY, BUT I TOTALLY WON'T LISTEN." Can't spell Gilmore without L-I-E. As Lorelai promises she's not giving up on her boyfriend Snow just yet, we see that her first-floor ceiling is leaking, kind of right below her bedroom, which is weird, but whatever. I guess we'll just forget that the house has a second floor because that's what we do on this show. We forget the truth. That's how the Gilmores make it through each and every day. Why am I so grumpy with these women today? Maybe because they keep lying to EVERYBODY.
Instant karma: Lorelai walks out to her Jeep in the morning, only to see it is half-deep in snow. Lorelai is stunned silent, and then a branch breaks and all of the snow in the tree above the Jeep falls on top of it, burying it completely. I'd be upset for Lorelai, but it's not like she's going to lift a damn finger to fix this problem.
Cue Luke! Lorelai whines and mopes and complains and just goes on and on about how much she hates snow while Luke actually does all the physical labor. "Man, she's so annoyingly lazy!" I shout. Stee looks at me and says, "You ever dig a car out from snow? It's really hard work." "So, you're saying it's fine that she's not doing anything?" I ask. "I don't care about this show anymore" is Stee's response. And then he stops watching. I don't think he'll ever watch it again, and you guys all know how much he used to love this show. That's the saddest thing that's ever happened in the history of this show. Stee just broke up with Luke. Moment of silence, please. Remember when everybody would come over and watch this with me? Now I do this by myself. Alone. Nobody cares. Just me and the Gilmores. Also, Lorelai is wearing a negligee and a lace scarf. I cannot feel bad for her or her snow breakup. Through the open garage door, I can see that Luke's dad's boat has snow on it. It starts snowing again as Lorelai goes on and on, so she swats at the snow and calls it stupid and says she hates it and then she throws an even bigger tantrum, somehow.
Friday night. Rory and Lorelai show up at the poolhouse, swearing that they didn't arrive together; they just happened to get there at the same time. They are surprised to see Emily sitting by the fireplace, keeping Dog company. Emily tells them to ignore her and go about their visit. Rory pets the dog briefly as Richard tells Emily he got a "peek" when Dog was on its back, and now he's sure Dog is a boy. "They're so hairy down there," Emily notes. "This one especially," Richard agrees. Lorelai says this has gone from weird to weirder. Emily and Richard explain how the dog showed up and has no tags. Richard tells Emily that he's having a drink made for her as well, even though she insists she's not officially there. Emily thanks him for the drink. They have a cute little banter about Richard missing work, and then Emily tells them to pretend she's not there. Lorelai tells Rory that Emily can be "such a witch with a 'B.'" Ignoring Emily is quickly impossible for the rest of them ("You have a presence that cannot be ignored," says Richard), so they include her in their conversation. Richard doesn't want her to leave, since Dog likes her there.
Emily asks when Rory and Lorelai got Christopher's bad news. When she and Richard discover that Rory and Lorelai don't know what they're talking about, they go on about how odd that is before they finally reveal that Christopher's father, Straub, died this morning. Way to be in mourning, Gilmores. Then we find out that they'd known Straub had been very sick, diagnosed a month ago, so they weren't surprised that he had passed away. Emily says it caught his wife Francine completely off-guard: "That poor woman." That poor woman is currently babysitting an infant. Lorelai asks Rory if she checked "all [her] voicemails," which I don't exactly understand, to determine if Chris called her. Rory's all, "NOPE! NEVER HEARD FROM MY DAD. I'VE NEVER EVEN MET HIM! AND IT'S NOT LIKE HE BROUGHT ME COFFEE AND HUNG OUT AT MY SCHOOL ALL DAY SO THAT HIS GRIEVING WIDOWED MOM HAD TO STAY HOME AND CHANGE DIAPERS THROUGH HER TEARS. DOES ANYONE WANT ANOTHER MARTINI? I DON'T SLEEP WITH MARRIED MEN." Lorelai and Rory decide to send flowers for the funeral. Maybe one of you would go to the funeral? Oh, right. Dog. Wouldn't want to leave his side. Emily says that Christopher had a tortured relationship with Straub, "but none of that matters in the end." Emily tells the girls that Christopher and "the baby" are staying with Francine until "all of this" is behind them: "I'll give you the address before you go." Wait, so Christopher's parents don't live in the same house they lived in when Lorelai and Christopher used to have sex there? Emily says she's already signed their name to some flowers. The dog stands, suddenly. Emily: "He moved! Is it supposed to do that?" Richard walks over to show Emily how Dog likes his blanket arranged, as he's picky. Rory pouts. Lorelai asks if Rory knew Straub was sick. Rory says "kind of," but that Christopher didn't make it sound like "a big thing." Lorelai feels really bad for Christopher, what with his wife leaving him and this new baby he doesn't want. Richard rolls up the blanket just like my cat Cal likes his blankets, and the dog rests his head on the "bump." Richard wants to replace Emily's drink, as there's a dog hair in it, but Emily says it's fine. Uh-huh.
Rory's damn Prius drives up to Christopher's mom's house. The best thing about the Prius? Its sweet, sweet parking spaces. Never another car around for miles. And this is really funny, this shot here, because you can tell Alexis Bledel is nervous about hitting her mark with the car, not wanting to drive out of frame, so she's concentrating while trying to look like she's effortlessly driving, as she lets the car roll for about twenty feet before hitting the brakes. There are probably people at the front of the car, too, making sure the car stops before it rolls over the sandbags where the tires would be. Rory strums and las to the front door. She rings the doorbell. Christopher answers. Rory says she heard about his dad. Chris says he figured she would at the Friday-night dinner: "God, is today Friday?" Rory says she didn't realize how serious it was. She has brought a bag of cookies and milk. Christopher invites Rory in. Hope his mom isn't sleeping. Or mourning. Because someone's gotta watch the baby.
Later. Rory leaves. She gets in her car and calls her mother. What time is it? Rory confesses that Christopher came to her school yesterday, and that she felt awful for blowing him off. She reminds Lorelai that her father is human, and now that he's so isolated from them, he couldn't call when he was going through this. She tells Lorelai that she wants her to go visit Christopher: "Go. Please. I-I want you to." Lorelai says she's happy to hear that, since she's pulling up behind Rory's car right now. "Go," Rory says. "I'm taking off, so give him another hug for me." She tells Lorelai to remind Chris that Rory will be a babysitter if he needs one. Rory drives off. Lorelai pulls into the "spot."
Christopher opens the door to find Lorelai. The doorbell doesn't wake the baby or mourning mother, luckily. Lorelai hasn't brought milk and cookies, though. She's brought a bottle of tequila. Sorry, Mom, the kids are getting blasted in your living room tonight. Hope you don't mind the noise. We'll try not to be louder than your tears. Christopher's all, "You guys are something else." "We try," Lorelai says, pleased at the praise because even someone's death is all about her and Rory. Lorelai enters the house as I say, "Well, they're going to have sex." And from the other room, I hear Stee say, "I don't care."
Luke's. Lorelai has a big ol' tequila hangover. She complains that Rory's too loud and her voice is annoying and she's sipping too loudly. For some reason, the re-enactment is going to be during the day. On a Saturday morning. Lorelai apologizes for not being vivacious. Rory says it was in a good cause. Lorelai wants pancakes. She says she doesn't want to know if Rory's ever been this hungover, but if she has, Lorelai's sorry, and if she hasn't, Lorelai's sorry that Rory's life has been so sheltered. Lorelai slams her head to the table as Kirk runs in and loudly asks if anyone has seen Taylor. Lorelai covers her ears. Rory says they haven't seen him. Kirk moans and whines, says everything's fine, and then runs out of there. Lorelai groans that Luke needs to get over there so they can order before she "pukes." Rory asks if Christopher drank that much last night. Lorelai says he was "the pusher," making them drink more and more. Just like sophomore year. She says it was good. Now Rory seems nervous as Lorelai says she wasn't going to stay that long, but she doesn't think that Chris has that many friends anymore (surprise). Rory asks what time Lorelai got home. "Sun" is her answer. ["How did she get home if she was so wasted?" -- Wing Chun] Rory seems to be regretting sending her mother to a tequila lock-in. So when Luke comes to take their order, Rory gives the bad lie voice to say, "WE JUST WANT COFFEE BECAUSE MY MOTHER DIDN'T SPEND THE NIGHT WITH HER EX AND A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!" Luke calls them easy and leaves. The girls immediately scheme on whether they should tell Luke about her whereabouts or not. Rory thinks it's better for Luke not to know. The girls leave to see the re-enactment, without drinking or paying for their coffee.
Re-enactment. About five people have come to watch. The reverend cracks dumb jokes. For some reason, children (so we know what's happened to that kid from Life With Bonnie) have been asked to tell the tale of Stars Hollow's second-most famous slut (hard to dethrone Rory). But -- HILARITY! -- when Taylor rides his horse to his mark, it isn't Lulu who meets him in the middle of the street. It's Kirk. Lulu's sick, and Kirk didn't want to let anyone down. Kid delivers the dumb line, "That's the ugliest lady I've ever seen." Enjoy your SAG card, kid. Taylor is humiliated, screeching to Kirk that he is humiliating him and he's livid, and this is the worst thing he's ever done. Kirk gets in the great line: "We're not supposed to be arguing, Taylor. We're supposed to be making love!" They head into the...high school? I don't know where they're supposed to be going, but I think it's the high school. We hear the story of Stars Hollow's Slut one more time. Lorelai leaves to go back to the inn.
Emily enters the poolhouse. Richard tells her that someone came for Dog, who is now a she again. Someone found the owner who came to pick the dog up last night. When Richard didn't see a light on in Emily's house, he didn't want to call and disturb her. She says she wouldn't have been disturbed. I had a dog given away while I was in the house, and the trauma of never saying goodbye to that Bassett haunts me to this day. Don't do this to people, I beg of you. It sucks to lose a dog. Emily and Richard talk about how irresponsible it was of that owner. "Her name was Princess, by the way," Richard tells her. Emily and Richard have a moment before they go back to their lives.
Amazing. Lorelai is calling someone who drives a plow. Oh, she's telling him how to do his job. Yeah, okay, all is normal. Lorelai tells us all again about the snow and the coffee and plows, but I'm distracted watching lint form on the underside of the couch. Anyway, Lorelai gets off the phone because there's an ice rink in front of her house. Luke has made her an ice rink, which he claims is no big deal. Lorelai says it's a very big deal, and immediately sets to putting on the ice skates Luke has brought for her. No hug, no kiss, no thank you, just me-me-me- gimme-me-me- faster-now. Luke says that this is how he broke his nose "the first time" -- skating into a tree when his dad did this for him when he was a kid in a hockey phase. He tells Lorelai he felt bad that she was having a rough time with snow, and that he wasn't making it any better by being grumpy, so he thought he'd help her out by pushing her and snow back together again: "I'm grumpy about stuff, but I don't want you to be." He helps her up. Lorelai giggles and thanks him for reconciling her and snow. Luke changes the mood: "You were lying this morning. You said you were fine, but you didn't look it. You get sick or something last night?" LoreLIE says she just had a headache, and that she still does. See, when Luke leaned over to kiss Lorelai when he walked into the diner this morning, I know he smelled the tequila steaming out of her pores. And the town's only so big, so news of Straub's death probably traveled, and...dude, how does LoreLIE think she'll keep this from Luke? LoreLIE skates a shaky circle, and somehow she doesn't know how to skate at all, which is hard to believe, what with her hearting snow and all. The episode ends before the Burbank sun melts the ice rink.