Previously, there was a show called Gilmore Girls, and some of you really, really like it.
We open in bed. It's been so long that for a second I don't remember that Lorelai and Luke are sleeping together. That might be because they've moved so effortlessly into the "buddies" portion of their relationship that I forget they're supposed to be sexually attracted to each other. Lorelai wakes up and gives the room a giant sniff. Careful -- there might still be some Jess molecules in that room. She immediately sets to waking Luke up. Luke isn't very interested in waking up. Lorelai pulls back the covers, telling him that he's missing it. "Is 'it' sleep?" Luke asks. "'Cause you'd be right." Lorelai pulls Luke back and tells him to "smell it." Dirty! The camera immediately swoops around the bed in a semi-circle, which is a pretty weird move in this tiny little apartment, as Lorelai giggles and pushes Luke out of bed. Luke complains about all of the things that are cold in this situation, like the air, the floor, himself. Luke and Lorelai grumble and grunt at each other as she pushes him out of the apartment.
It's still dark outside Luke's as they run into the street. Luke's still complaining about being cold, which might be because they're outside in their pajamas, and possibly their slippers. Lorelai is very excited because she smells snow. She tells Luke that she can always tell when it's coming: "I'm never wrong." She says this is her favorite time of the year, because the "whole world changes color" (a bit of an exaggeration). Luke grumps about being cold while Lorelai goes on and on about how great snow is. Lorelai says she and snow have a great history together. Luke says that snow isn't in the forecast. Snow, snow, snow. I don't think you understand how much they go on about how Lorelai likes snow and Luke didn't hear about it in any forecast. In fact, if Luke actually watches that many weather forecasts a day, I worry about him. Anyway, cue the CGI snow. Lorelai is proud of herself, and Luke couldn't care less. He grumps back into the house, because the bloom is off the rose of their courtship. Lorelai sighs into the snow.
Luke's. Breakfast. Taylor, Andrew, the Reverend, and a few other townies are trying to find the right way to say "whore." "Concubine" is too "high-falutin'." The Reverend really wants us to know that just because he works for God doesn't mean he doesn't live a normal life. "Harlot" is out. As is "woman of accommodating morals." Luke, unfortunately, asks what they're doing. Taylor reminds this man who has lived here his entire life that with the first snow comes the Revolutionary War Re-Enactment. And I do believe Luke's quite familiar with how it goes down. We know this is true because Luke then launches into the entire story, once again. Taylor and his friends are very excited, because a "local historian" (who -- Gypsy?) uncovered new information about that night and Stars Hollow's participation. An English battalion was waiting for their General, who had plans for a big battle. The Stars Hollow soldiers caught wind of this and blocked "the high road," which forced the general to take "the lower road" through town. Wake up, everybody. There's more. They talked some poor girl in town into seducing the general and having sex with him so that he'd never reach his battalion. "A hooker stopped a battle," Luke recaps. One of the re-enactors tells Luke they're not going to call her a "hooker." So they're all trying to figure out what to call her. Taylor says this new re-enactment is going to be a huge boost to tourists. Particularly if they do the re-enactment in real time. Taylor says they're having a casting session soon to pick their "special lady." I hope they cast Miss Patty; she'll at least have the most fun with the role. Also, I think that casting session is illegal. They want a woman who's thin, but not too thin. They asks Luke if he knows anybody who fits the bill. I can't believe Luke doesn't offer up his sister, making her immediately participate in this town's weekly time-consuming extravaganzas. Luke promises to let them know if he runs into any "moderately-weighted whores."
“ Luke offers Lorelai coffee, which she declines. Might as well stop recapping right here, since this show doesn't even make any sense anymore. ”
Lorelai comes downstairs and gushes about how awesome it is that the re-enactors are meeting. Luke offers Lorelai coffee, which she declines. Might as well stop recapping right here, since this show doesn't even make any sense anymore. Lorelai's going on about snow as the re-enactors check out her whoreability. Luke tells her to walk out of there, but not to walk too sexily. Lorelai can't help flirting with them just a bit as she walks by. Andrew declares her to be "too thin." The grumpy one warbles that this isn't about his taste. Andrew says he's just trying to be historically accurate. He says that women were heavier back then, which I don't think is true. ["It actually probably was; it's not like they were eating a lot of protein and working out all the time." -- Wing Chun] "How 'bout your wife?" The Reverend asks the grumpy one, who responds: "You wanna sock in the nose?"
Emily's on the phone, making plans with someone, who I'm guessing is her sorta boyfriend, but I didn't catch his name last time. She is halted mid-conversation, however, when she sees a dog standing in the snow outside her back door. The dog is really cute, and is sort of just like, "Hey. I'm a scamp." Emily freaks out and asks "Gene" to hold on. She calls Richard on the other line.
Richard stops packing his briefcase and answers. Emily tells him there's a dog on the patio. "What? Emily?" Richard asks, confused. Emily asks if he got a dog. Richard says he didn't. Emily tells him she's inside and she needs him to do something. Richard can't see the dog from the poolhouse. She whines that the dog is looking at her. Emily tries to shoo the dog away. Richard appears, still on the phone, and walks over to the dog. Emily asks why he's holding a long, pointy object. Richard says she made it sound like it was a rabid beast, so he came prepared. Emily warns him not to get too close. Richard says he sees a collar, but no tag. He makes a few circles around the dog and decides they have to do something, since it's freezing outside and they can't leave the dog in it. Emily says that the dog can't come into the house. Richard's still upset that the dog doesn't have tags. Emily tells him to take the dog to the poolhouse, since that's why they have it. Richard: "We have a poolhouse for stray dogs? Love the innuendo, Emily." He says he'll take the dog. Emily thanks him, adding that she came out and the dog was just sitting there. Richard asks if it's a "he." Emily says she doesn't know. Richard says he can't get a visual from that angle. Richard clears his throat: "Dog! I want you to come with me. Come on, Dog!" And then the dog follows him, much to Emily's amazement. "Good job, Richard!" Emily praises. On the other line, Gene's all, "I wonder how much longer I'm going to be on hold."
“ I love it when Lorelai suddenly decides to be a boss. It's so cute, like anyone actually would listen to her. ”
Dragonfly. Lorelai bounces in and beams to Michel, "You know who just nipped at my nose? Jack Frost." Oh, shut up, Lorelai. Get over it. It's January. Michel: "You know who just nipped at my ear? Jack I-Don't-Care." Lorelai is very happy to see the inn covered in snow: "It looks like a postcard!" Michel says he hasn't been this excited since Madonna just dropped by Total Request Live. I love it when Lorelai suddenly decides to be a boss. It's so cute, like anyone actually would listen to her. She tells Michel that the floors are wet. Michel, who clearly runs this place, patiently explains to Lorelai that they don't have any mats. It's a long story that sounds like it's totally Lorelai's fault, and soon they will be looking at a very expensive lawsuit from someone slipping and breaking his neck on the wet floors. Michel tells Lorelai that the good news is there will now be fewer people to possibly slip on the floors, since the snow has made many of the guests cancel. Lorelai can't understand why the world wouldn't want to drive through the snow and leave their warm homes when snow is just so snowy and awesome. It's snawsome.
Snow! SNOW! LORELAI REALLY REALLY LOVES SNOW, Y'ALL. Her default web address when she opens a new browser? Snow.com. Did you know that based on National Weather Service records for 1961 through 1990, Rochester, New York averages 94 inches of snow annually and is the snowiest large city in the United States? Lorelai knew that. Her favorite movie? Smilla's Sense of Snow. Her favorite Hostess treat? Snowballs. Her favorite fake-rapper? Snow. Favorite band nobody's heard of? Snowden. Her favorite flake? Nope. She's her favorite flake. Michel advises Lorelai change their cancellation policy. Lorelai doesn't want to punish people for flaking (see?), because she thinks that's "too corporate." It's also going to be why you're "too bankrupt." Here's the thing. You've got a recapper here who grew up in the hotel industry, including working for a few hotels, both big and cracky. Here's the thing: you always overbook. Always. Because people always cancel. And you don't let them cancel, like, an hour before check-in. You can't run an inn that way. Maybe if Lorelai let SNOW have a room, then she could fill up the place with a snowman family, and Sookie could serve spaghetti and snowballs. And they don't even have to get cable, because you know they'll just watch snow. Heh. Michel says exactly what I just said, telling Lorelai that bankruptcy will be fun and different, too. Why doesn't she just let Michel be the front office manager, and she could be the owner, and then she can flit around like she wants to without actually annoying the people who work all day in that inn? Lorelai has no defense against Michel's logic, so she tells him to try to find mats. Hey, why don't you make a call, Lor? Or does your best friend snow think phones are lame?