The town is decorated in its fall finest. Lorelai is on her way to Doose's when Jackson whispers to her, asking for her help. It seems Sookie's got a few food cravings that only Doose's can satisfy, and Jackson can't possibly show his face in front of Taylor. Then Jackson gives us an earful of Selectman problems, but to me that sounds like, "Blah blah blah Kirk." I mean, the election's over. Someone won, someone lost. We're all past it, right? Oh. For those of you creating the home trivia game: Kirk is allergic to all pine cone-scented things. Does that include Pine Sol? Jackson finishes his rant with the words "empty suit of Jackson skin," to which both Lorelai and I immediately respond, "Ew." The "ew"s just keep on coming when Jackson reads the wishlist from Sookie: "Grapefruit juice, Milk Duds, Bloody Mary mix, extra spicy turkey sausage." Jackson interrupts to inform us that this is all going in the same blender. Yikes. Jackson says he's getting a stomachache just from reading the list. Lorelai takes the list and offers to get the food. But you know, every Gilmore has an agenda, so Lorelai won't do this favor without a little quid pro quo. Lorelai wants something done about the pothole in the road on the way to the Dragonfly. That's no way to talk about Michel. Ba-dum-bum. Lorelai makes Jackson put her hole his top priority. Whee! Dirty!
Lorelai and Jackson walk into the house, calling out to Sookie that they are both home. Jackson worries that they were followed. Lorelai says that since they already ditched that Audi in Versailles, now all they have to do is find the tracking device. Jackson and Lorelai find Sookie sobbing over a People magazine. "It's just so sad!" she wails. Lorelai scolds Jackson for allowing soft human-interest stories to sit around Sookie during her delicate condition. Sookie weeps, saying that she thought the two people in the article were perfect for each other, with their hair and their teeth. Lorelai and Jackson handle Sookie with kid gloves. Hey, speaking of...someone ought to check on Davey before he cuts off all his hair and falls forward on something blunt, knocking out all of his teeth. It turns out Sookie is upset over the breakup of Hugh Grant and Elizabeth Hurley. Yes, they were clearly made for each other, since she was gorgeous and perfect and he was only sometimes picking up hookers on Sunset Boulevard. Lorelai reminds Sookie that their breakup was years ago. "Tons of people have broken up since then," Jackson offers as some kind of consolation. Lorelai shoots Jackson a death glare.
Sookie is happy to see that her food has arrived. I've never been pregnant, but I'm truly looking forward to it if it means people will just be at my beck and call all day long. I get to bark a bunch of orders and people rub my back and bring me food? Okay, all I want is someone to bring me food. All the time. Sometimes I'll even drive to the restaurant, but it'd be great if other people were in charge of feeding me. I don't mind cooking for other people, but making food for myself is plenty exhausting. Sookie sees the big bag of gross food, realizes that she has asked for a big bag of gross food, and immediately gets grossed out. Sookie apologizes about being so impossible. Lorelai smiles, since it pleases her greatly when others are groveling at her feet. Jackson hugs his wife, saying he'll deal with all of her moodiness and food issues as long as she's the one who pushes a human being out from her Crock Pot. Ew. I just grossed myself out. Jackson sees a car slow down as it passes his home, and he begins freaking out about it. Lorelai suggests that he get away from the window and go relax. Jackson realizes how dangerous it is for him even to be near a window in the first place. Sookie tells Jackson to go check on Davey the way some people suggest one should "putter around in the garden." Jackson leaves, asking them to tell anyone who inquires about him that he's armed and dangerous.
"He loooooves you," Lorelai sings to Sookie. "He's certifiable," Sookie says. Lorelai tells her she gets to be, since she's pregnant. Sookie says it might be mean, but whenever she worries too much about being cruel to Jackson, she just remembers "Brandi." She means "Sherry," and if that's going to be the standard for motherhood, then Stars Hollow had better get its own chapter for Child Protective Services pronto. Sookie asks Lorelai how Christopher is doing these days. Lorelai immediately says that he's fine, but then remembers that she hasn't spoken to him in a while. If he's not thinking of her constantly, calling her and leaving quirky messages about their days of yore, then something must be horribly wrong! It is funny that Lorelai finds it odd that Christopher hasn't called her again since he needed her that one time. I mean, I didn't even see the episode and I could tell you that was going to happen, because that's what he always does, even when he does it in the most well-meaning way. "I was going to call you, Lor, but my girlfriend got pregnant." "I was going to call you, Lor, but your parents chased me away." "I was going to call you, Lor, swear, but your daughter threatened to rip my nuts off and...you know, can't be a deadbeat dad if you can't keep making babies!" Pregnant Sookie still finds time to make three different centerpieces for her kitchen table -- in fruit, flowers, and something that looks like pine cones with toys. Lorelai says she hopes Chris and Gigi are okay, since the last time she was over, he was duct-taping her diapers. Lorelai is talking in that way she does where her back teeth clench together and she sounds a bit like an anxious Jonathan Lipnicki. Yes, that is the first time someone has mentioned Jonathan Lipnicki in the new millennium. You know, it's expensive getting married, so I decided to sell a little ad time in my recaps. That's where I get the most eyeballs, you know. Speaking of eyeballs, LASIK surgery isn't just affordable these days: it's as easy as seeing your dentist. Don't be blind to the obvious -- let someone cut open your eyeball with a laser beam. Dude! It's the closest we have to flying cars.
Now back to the program. Lorelai refers to the adhesive on diapers as "tabby thingys," so I'm not exactly sure she's the motherhood expert she claims to be. Sookie realizes that she needs milk chocolate and artichoke hearts. Right now. That's the magic formula. Nope. Bell peppers. That's what she wants. Dark chocolate. Taffy and walnuts. Pistachios. Hearts of palm. Sounds like someone's going to be making a trip to Trader Joe's. Trader Joe's: for when you don't want to cook but look like someone who knows how to. Conveniently located without one adequately designed parking lot, your nearest Trader Joe's is just waiting to sell you a bag of vegan pizza dough, a six-dollar box of frozen shrimp scampi, and a gigantic brick of white chocolate. (Cleansers, beauty products, and a decent produce selection sold separately.)
Rory's chillin' in her dorm, trying to read the paper. Paris runs over and reads over her shoulder, prompting Rory to ask her not to compare their reading speeds again, since Paris is still faster: "Enjoy your trophy." Paris needs the exact time of today's sunset. Rory complains that she's in the middle of an article. Paris: "Well, if you read faster, you wouldn't be." Sunset's coming early today, at 4:31. See, Paris is fasting for Ramadan to add authenticity to her journalistic integrity. Or something like that. It's called a "quirky subplot." Paris grabs a line delivery from Sideways: "Are you chewing gum?" She asks Rory not to chew it "at" her. Rory tells Paris that not eating can make a person snippy. Paris reminds Rory that food particles aren't supposed to pass through her mouth or nose, and says that Rory's Bazooka is passing through her nose. Paris also isn't supposed to have any sex, but I think she's going to be able to handle that rule. Marty comes in and announces he snagged a bunch of chocolate goodies from the banquet he just cater-waitered. Paris calls him "bucko." If I were Marty, I'd be pretty pissed off that Rory was flirting with the guy who humiliated me by the coffee kiosk.
Lorelai calls Rory and brags that she's calling from Luke's phone behind the counter. Lorelai loves bragging to her daughter that she's having sex regularly. Lorelai says that she can be on the phone because it's not a cell phone: "Gotta love a loophole." Luke sees Lorelai's loophole behind his counter and barks at her to get back to her seat. Luckily, Luke's phone cord is long enough that you can actually find the person you're on the phone with and talk to them in person without having to hang up. Luke tells Lorelai that he'll be in trouble with the insurance people if a sack of potatoes falls on her head. Lorelai thinks Luke stores his potatoes in weird places. Okay, so this is a pretty decent episode, which means there's not much to snark on. Let me paint the recapping picture, so maybe that will help with the whole "experience." Djb and I are at a coffee shop. We just swooped in and moved tables to be closer to an electrical outlet for his laptop. My iBook, which I've only owned since late May, looks like I've had it for quite some time. This is because some of the letters have worn off the keys. "You can only use your computer if you've been doing this job for five years," Djb said to me. "You have to be really good at typing." I've written a screenplay, a manuscript, a television show, and about twenty recaps since buying this computer, not to mention the emails and blog posts, but it still took a couple of years for the letters to wear away on my clamshell iBook. Pamie: "I'm missing the C, the E, S, L, I, N, G and A. What does that spell?" Djb: "'Lorelai.'" Rory wants to ask Lorelai a question, but the rest of the people in the room are still having their conversation, even though they can clearly see that Rory is on the phone! Paris is beating Marty with her newspaper because his food particles keep getting all up in her nose.
Rory hides in her room, pausing in front of her "STOP THE WAR ON CHOICE" poster. She says she's sick and tired of placating Emily and Richard during their stupid separation. Lorelai says she understands Rory's decision to cancel Friday-night dinners. She also says "duty." Hee. Rory says her grandparents need to be separated and given a good talking-to. She says that, this Friday, she and Lorelai will split up and each have dinner with one of Lorelai's parents. Lorelai asked what happened to the idea of just canceling the dinners. Rory says she knows her grandparents don't really want to separate. Lorelai reminds Rory that they're very stubborn, and she doesn't want Rory getting her hopes up. Rory says she can't stand it the way it is. She knows that they miss each other, but that they're too proud to say anything. In the background, we can still hear Marty and Paris arguing. Too bad they can't make out. Stupid Ramadan. Lorelai doesn't want to have dinner with either Emily or Richard. She'd rather take the quiet butler: "He doesn't talk much, and as far as I can tell, thoroughly enjoys the way I dress." Why do they use that weird sound effect for doors opening and closing on this show? Are all the doors that fake on the set that they have to loop in the sound of doors later? It makes it seem like we're playing a first-person shooter. Marty enters Rory's room. Lorelai chooses Emily. Rory finally ends her phone call. Marty still gives her a bag of free food. "What's the bacon wrapped around?" she asks. "Something bacon should never be wrapped around." I bet it's seafood. "Rich people," sneers Rory the hypocrite. "They live very different lives," Marty says. Ask Rory what she'll be doing this Friday night, Marty. You might be surprised just how rich your little friend is. And if you want to be as rich as a Gilmore, consider investing with Bank of America. Bank of America: For when you just don't say the word "Fuckers!" enough.
Luke asks Lorelai how Rory's doing after the whole "Dean thing." Five years of plot has been turned into such an insignificant-sounding nickname. Lorelai says that her daughter bounced back quickly. She bounced like J.Lo. In Shall We Dance?, still available at your local dollar theater, soon to be released on DVD just in time for Christmas. See the film my mother called "The dancing one with Richard Gere and that girl with the big ass. She's no Catherine Zeta-Jones, that one." Lorelai tells Luke not to gloat over the end of Dean. Luke reiterates that he didn't think Dean was right for Rory. After his recent run-ins with people who think he's not good enough for Lorelai, you'd think Luke would get his high horse's legs chopped down about a foot or two. Hey, is that even a real sentence? Man. I played about six hours of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas yesterday, and my brain still isn't working right. Like right now, I kind of want to punch the man standing in line to me because he's talking like a Gilmore on his cell phone. And I'm clearly sitting to him, working, and he's like, "Nah, dude! I'm in the coffee shop! Man, it smells like coffee in here!" I'm not kidding. I want to punch him and kick him and then take his gun and cash and go buy me a tattoo. Not that those games reinforce criminal behavior, but it'd be a whole lot better than sitting here with an uneaten croissant and a whole lotta recap left. Lorelai and Luke kiss.
Oh, hello, T.J. He announces that he stinks and that everyone should keep their distance. He's wearing a soap-on-a-rope. The water in his house is out because he's been trying to fix some pipes that aren't working. He needs to use Luke's shower. I'm trying to get past the T.J. scenes quickly because none of us like them. It's not the DeLuise's fault, really. He's just an annoying character. Having just bought a home, I'd like to take a minute to explain that there's no way they already live in that house, unless we're supposed to believe that about a month has passed. T.J. explains that he was trying to hang a towel rack in the upstairs bathroom, got very frustrated, and ended up demo-ing the entire bathroom, thus causing the water to stop working. He bought replacement pipe, but he doesn't have a pipe cutter. Turns out Luke does, since his diner is in a hardware shop. He asks T.J. why he doesn't hire a contractor. T.J. has learned how to pronounce "escrow," and says he's trying to be responsible now that he's a homeowner. Also, he's probably broke, what with the escrow and all. Luke martyrs that he'll help T.J. cut the pipe. T.J. calls him the best brother-in-law in the world, and then takes a cup of coffee and a cruller, since he finds Luke's coffee to be bitter.
Dragonfly. Michel tells Lorelai he's pretty sure the couple that just checked in are the Bathrobe Bandits from the Independence Inn. Lorelai somehow doesn't know who these people are, even though they've apparently repeatedly targeted her hotels over the years. Hey, I really hate how they've decorated the Dragonfly. It's way to kitschy, don't you think? ["It's a bit Chic Simple twee, in my view." -- Wing Chun] I mean, it doesn't match Lorelai's or Sookie's tastes. I know Michel didn't do it, so who's to blame for the Country Kitchen décor? It is as quaint homey as Bennigans is Irish. Michel wants to remove the bathrobes from the Bathrobe Bandits' room. Lorelai says they'll just charge the Bandits' credit card if they steal. Michel worries that they'll steal the credenza or a couch. Lorelai thinks they should just chill for now. "I should never tell you anything," Michel pouts. He leaves to go write a vaguely threatening note in their room. My parents were both in hotel management my entire life, and one time we stayed at my mom's hotel. Oh, as I begin telling this story, I feel like there's no way I haven't told this story before, but the search feature says I haven't. Here goes. One time my friends stayed at my mom's hotel. When we got back to our city, my friend bragged that he stole some ashtrays. From my mom's hotel. Being the kid of hotel managers, I don't throw hotel parties, I don't steal towels, and I always tip the wait staff. I'm the best damn hotel guest you've ever seen. Hotel parties make me a little nervous, to tell you the truth, even though I've had two of them thrown in my honor in the past three weeks. Anyway. I tell my friends that the ashtrays they've stolen will now come out of my mother's paycheck, and aren't they cool for taking food of my mom's table. They were devastated with regret until I told them I was lying and I just wanted to prove a point. Don't steal from hotels, slobs. But if you're going to stay in a hotel, why not try the Holiday Inn? Holiday Inn: Chingy likes it!
Lorelai takes a deadbeat dad break and calls Christopher. Doesn't it always look like they've built Christopher's set on a three-by-three square? He's always trapped in this one light, by a couch he doesn't quite sit on, and he looks uncomfortable. Lorelai says he thought perhaps Christopher turned Amish, so she couldn't make any calls until Rumspringa. That joke doesn't even really mean what she thinks it means, since it relates to Christopher's avoiding her, so I assume that once someone puts "Ramadan" in a script, she really wants to work in a "Rumspringa" joke as well. Also, this season has had quite a number of jokes at the expense of different religious groups, huh? From the Pagans to the Christians to the Muslims -- nobody's safe in Stars Hollow! Christopher is very busy these days, which might explain the polka dot tie and plaid shirt. He says he's not too busy. There's no baby that we can see. It's oddly quiet where Lorelai is, too, as she chatters on about how Sookie, "the crazy slut," got herself pregnant again. Christopher looks like he's in hell as he stammers a half-assed apology for not calling Lorelai. She asks him about five hundred times if this is a bad time to call because clearly he doesn't want to be talking to her, but Lorelai won't just get off the phone because she is the most important thing in everyone's lives. Christopher couldn't be more evasive and uncomfortable on the phone. It goes on for a really long time, the stammering and pushing, the small talk and awkward chitchat. Finally, Lorelai takes the hint and tries to hang up, but Christopher interrupts to say that he only called her before because he was desperate. Oh, thanks. He says he shouldn't have bothered her, and he won't do it again. Lorelai tells him he can call any time he wants: "We've got bonds, baby. Just try to break 'em." They immediately make plans to have lunch together this Saturday. Jesus, Christopher. Your daughter asks for one thing in life. One thing, and you have to be the same disappointing, selfish schmuck.
Rory is in the poolhouse. Richard can't find anything to serve this "elegant young lady." That would be because she and her punk-ass friends ate and drank Richard out of house and...pool, just last indeterminate period this show uses as time. Rory explains that she and Lorelai split up duty with Richard and Emily so that they could spend more undivided attention on them. Richard's fridge contains only batteries and Nutella. I do believe that's how I survived my freshman year of college. Dude. There's a fireplace in the poolhouse. That's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Rory asks Richard if he thinks this is his permanent residence. She says that it's fun to shake things up a little, throw some paint on the house, move some furniture, go blond, but then afterward it's best to go back to something that's comfortable. Something he depended on for forty years. Ripping off corporations through insurance scams? Humiliating customer-service people? Publicly degrading his daughter? Seeing Pennilyn Lott on the side? Oh. She means Emily. "You're a lovely girl" is Richard's only answer. "I have good genes," says Rory. Lorelai has good jeans. Just as important. I don't know how or why Richard has a frozen pizza in his freezer, but he does. Richard worries that the pizza has been in the freezer since Lorelai's tenth birthday party. Rory does love it when a man scrapes together whatever he can find to feed her. Maybe if Rory learned how to cook something, this wouldn't keep happening to her. Richard takes the pizza out of the box but doesn't remove the wrapper. Don't eat the pizza, y'all.
Lorelai is begrudgingly having her dinner with Emily. She's all pouty face and crossed arms. Lorelai hates being in a family. Emily is grumbling because she can't figure out how to make a proper drink. Jesus, these people are pampered, aren't they? Nobody knows how to cook or make a drink. They're used to being waited on hand and foot by servants or Luke or the Yale cafeteria, and when left on their own they resemble Sims. Whining and moaning, peeing on the couch, whimpering that they're bored and hungry. Makes me want to put something heavy in front of the door and watch them starve to death. Lorelai apologizes for changing up their weekly plans. "Oh, please," Emily says. "I'm as flexible as the person." If the person is our president. What? I said it. It's really difficult to recap the rest of this scene because Lorelai's shirt has fallen down and you can see her bra and, like, the swell of boobie, and it has turned me into a thirteen-year-old boy. What did one bee say to the other bee? "Boo bee!" I'M AWESOME. Emily worries that her ice might be old. I'm not sure how ice can turn old. And then she says a saying I've never heard of, about fresh ice, and BOOBIES! Emily decides they'll have Scotch neat, which is how I'd like it right now at this coffee shop. Emily says she can't give Lorelai wine, because it all has to breathe. That's okay. Lorelai comes with her own whine, one that barely has to breathe at all. She can do that thing trumpet players do, inhaling through her nose while whining through her mouth. Dude. Grand Theft Auto just walked into the coffee shop and they're standing right to me. The smell of leather jackets and Drakkar Noir is so strong I don't know whether to cap their asses or write them a love note I fold into an intricate origami swan. Will you buy me a latte? Circle yes or no. And since I'm recapping my surroundings instead of this television show, I'd like to mention that the man sitting across from me (the one sitting behind Djb) is wearing a shirt with a gigantic food stain across the front, in the pattern of a three fingers swiped across his chest. And he's sitting there with his wife, typing on his computer. Now. I might be wearing basically pajamas, haven't brushed my hair, and look so grubby that the coffee girl told me to "have a good study," but my clothes aren't covered in peanut butter. I don't think.... Lorelai thinks it's weird that she and Emily are both sitting on the sofa instead of sitting across from each other as they usually do. I think it's weird that we can't hear that constant Muzak that pipes through Emily's walls like Prozac. Emily asks why they're split up. Lorelai says they wanted to get quality couch time. Emily thinks it's silly, since they had a great system worked out for the rest of the season. No, not so much. Read the forum, Emily.
Lorelai cuts to the chase and asks her mother if she's getting back together with Richard. "Absolutely not," Emily says. Lorelai: "Okay. Got any peanuts?" Emily says that Richard has proven to her once and for all that he's moved on with his life. Lorelai thinks that if Emily's theory were true, part of Richard's moving on would have included moving out of the house. There's a rush at the coffee shop right now, and it's so crowded where we are that currently there's a woman leaning over me, pulling those free postcards out from the display over my shoulder. Seriously, her stomach is leaning on my laptop. Los Angeles has no boundaries, people. It doesn't matter as long as you're getting what you want. It's a Gilmore paradise in this town. Emily tells Lorelai about a recent dinner function she and Richard both attended, where Richard buttered his own roll without offering any to Emily, forcing her to reach for the butter herself. Making a woman do something for herself? Why not make her cook or clean or wear an outfit twice, why don't you? Jesus, how is she supposed to be fabulous if you keep making her live her life like anyone else in the world? Why am I so bitter? I don't know what it is about these characters, but they've really gotten snobby in the past year, from the coupon hate to the constantly lifted pinkie. Something about all the Yale and money. Where's Rory's trust fund from Trix, anyway? Doesn't Lorelai owe Luke thousands and thousands of dollars? Now everybody's got so much money that they can complain about the help, rag on Marty for having a summer job, and spend all of their time concerning themselves with their sex lives. I blame Desperate Housewives.
Lorelai tells Emily that she's sorry. Emily admits it's very sad. She says she knows that Richard has moved on, so now she has to move on. "Absolutely," Lorelai says. "Move on dot org." Emily gives only the briefest of confused glances before announcing that it's time for her to date. Cue the spit take. Lorelai: "Oh my God!" Emily: "I wanna go on a date." Lorelai: "With a man?" Emily tried this already. It freaked her out. Lorelai doesn't want to hear any of this, and asks for a paper towel and a Valium. I hear you, Lorelai. When my mom started talking about dating again, there weren't enough drugs in the world to numb the pain. Emily says that there are many men at the club who have expressed their interests, but that she doesn't know how to reciprocate. She says that Lorelai has a lot of experience with men (Dirty!), and asks how her daughter lets someone know she's interested. Lorelai says that one of those bench ads helps, and then suggests that Emily start with the word "Hello." Emily worries that "hello" is too forward. My mom thought it was poor form to "call a boy," meaning calling the man she was seeing when she was wondering how he was doing. "Nice girls don't call boys," she told me. "Jeez, Ma," I said. "No wonder you guys got married so young. You had to marry the first one who called you back or you'd spend the rest of your lives by the telephone." Again, I feel like I've told that story before. This entire day has a strange déjà-vu to it.
Outside the mansion, Rory brags that her night with Richard -- he made frozen pizza on a cedar plank, which means he grilled a frozen pizza, which would be weird, to say the least -- was fantastic, and that she totally got her grandparents together again. Lorelai admits that hers wasn't as successful, since Emily is now planning on dating lots of men. Rory yells at her mother for screwing up their mission. Lorelai blames Rory for making her have dinner alone in the first place. "I said, 'Are you getting back with Dad,' and she said he wouldn't butter her roll." Lorelai apologizes, kinda. Rory accuses her of not trying. Lorelai promises that she did try, but that she sucked at it. She figures Emily didn't mean it -- that she was mad at Richard and was just talking: "week we'll switch. You can have dinner with my mother and I'll marry Dad off to a nice baroness." Lorelai tells Rory not to hate her. "I don't hate you," Rory says. "I can't hate the pathetic." Lorelai complains that she didn't get to spend the evening with Rory due to Rory's dumb plans. She invites Rory over for lunch at the Dragonfly. That will be difficult, seeing as how they cancelled lunch a few indeterminate time periods ago. Rory drives off in her damn Prius.
Christopher is getting the grand tour of the Dragonfly. He's only slightly condescending, commenting on the squeaky stairs and the fact that she bothered to have rooms at her inn. No help from your palimony, assface. Lorelai and Christopher discuss the dirty bobbleheads Lorelai has displayed on the mantle. I won't even begin to try to understand, but once Chris mentions the jukebox sitting to the fireplace, I realize that it's possible Lorelai is a hoarder. I found a place, Lor, that wants to help. It's in Hartford! ["Hee hee, I saw that Oprah too." -- Wing Chun]
Lorelai can't shut up about how great the food is as she talks through Christopher's reading of the menu. It's not like Christopher has ever had trouble making decisions in the past. Sitting behind us in the coffee shop is a group of friends chit-chatting about playing bocce and the latest project they're in the middle of writing. Djb and I realized: they're us, but clean, without a recap due in a few hours. They're us with freedom. And the other me? She's wearing a really nice sweater I don't own. As Lorelai finishes explaining the process of brining, Chris gives her the smitten look. He tells Lorelai how awesome it is that she got her own inn, just like she always wanted. Lorelai gets smug: "Yeah, I think I did." By the way, if you're done using that chair, Chris, please stand up. They're selling the furniture to make the mortgage this month. Chris tells Lorelai that he's proud of her. Lorelai -- who apparently needs affection and approval more from Chris than she does from anyone else in her life -- beams with pride. Rory shows up, but stops cold when she sees Christopher sitting at the table. "Hey, Rory," Christopher says. "Hey, Dad," Rory says, punching the word "Dad" like Sophia Coppola just before she crumbles on the steps. Lorelai reminds us all that there's a baby in the room. Rory sort of pokes at Gigi, and asks if Gigi remembers her. Christopher awkwardly says he shows Gigi pictures of Rory. Oh, gee. That's fantastic. Way to formulate a wonderful sister bond, there, Chris. Lorelai asks Christopher if this is a nice surprise. Rory pointedly says that she likes to see Gigi. Why Lorelai isn't picking up on this, I do not know. But she's totally clueless, chattering away, as Rory and Christopher stare at each other awkwardly. Someone pulls Lorelai away to help with a work situation. Lorelai leaves, requesting that her lunch companions not say anything hilarious while she's gone. Don't worry.
Christopher starts to explain, but Rory interrupts him, reminding him that she's only asked for one thing in her life, "ever." He says that this wasn't his idea, and that he didn't call Lorelai. Hey, Rory's wearing the same sweater Alterna-me at the table has on! Rory isn't buying Chris's bullshit this time. She doesn't believe that Lorelai called Christopher. Even if she did invite him to lunch, he shouldn't have said yes. Christopher says that he had no good reason to say no, and that he couldn't rat Rory out. Passing blame is more than just a talent with the people on this show. It's a career. Chris says he didn't know Rory was going to be there, and that it's just as much of a surprise to him as it is to Rory. Immediately, Rory flounces back a sentence starting with "Oh, I see!," asking if it wouldn't have been as bad if she hadn't found out about it. Chris says "no" a few times, and adds, "That is not how it went down." Someone else has been playing Grand Theft Auto. Chris then throws in a "You know what," and Rory tosses in a "fine," and this generic television argument is brought to you by Glarkware. Glarkware: For when you want to put your chocolate in some peanut butter. I don't know. I'm running out of sponsors. Christopher reminds Rory that he was here first, so he's always going to be around, intermittently, without warning or responsibility, at the most inconvenient times, for the rest of their lives. Rory and Christopher are having a shouting match in the Dragonfly, so if they were even thinking about reinstating lunch around here, that's probably now out of the question. Chris says he's not the bad guy. "Hey, if the black hat fits," snits Rory. Chris reminds her that he's her father. Spank her! Rory, again: "Fine."
Lorelai skips back in, telling a very long story about Michel's violating several of the Bathrobe Bandits' rights. Nobody's fired or arrested, but that was after Lorelai had to comp everything and throw in a few free bathrobes. The cops were called. People were chased: "Plus, Michel ripped his pants and his underwear is pink and shiny." Wow. A lot happened in that three minutes she was gone. Stars Hollow has a hell of a space-time continuum. Lorelai asks what's up with the crickets her hilarious story received. Christopher glugs some wine and DUIs his baby out of that place without any briny porkchops. Chris stammers a goodbye to anyone he's ever met and tells Lorelai, right in front of Rory, that he'll call her later. Asshole!
Lorelai asks Rory what's up. Rory asks if Lorelai really did call Chris first. She did, and this confuses Rory. She tells Lorelai that she told Chris to stay away "a while ago." Lorelai acts like she can't figure out why Rory would ever do something like that. Rory says she didn't want Chris to screw up anything Lorelai has going on with Luke. Lorelai gives a very condescending "Ugh. Kid. You are so far off here. That is not going to happen." Rory has been called "kid" twice in two minutes. Rory tells her mother that every time Chris shows up, he screws up Lorelai's life. Lorelai, queen of denial, says that's not true. Rory recaps five years of Christopher, including the pregnancy and Max. Lorelai says that Christopher had nothing to do with Max. Rory reminds her of the phone call she made to Christopher from her bachelorette party. Rory knows way too much about her mother's life. Lorelai says she was so wasted at that party that she tried to drunk-dial Abe Vigoda. Rory says that Lorelai's always waiting for Christopher to get his life together. Lorelai admits that she might have wanted, in the past, to be with her baby's daddy, but that right now she's with Luke, "completely." Rory asks what Luke said when Lorelai told him about seeing Christopher. Lorelai, always a shitty liar, stammers that he was fine with it because Lorelaiand Chris are such great buds. Lorelai tells Rory that she's good. They order lunch. And speaking of lunch, if you want something quick when you're on the go, try -- ah, forget it.
Lorelai and Sookie walk through town. Lorelai tells Sookie that Rory was really serious, like the time she saw The Way We Were. Lorelai is upset that she lied to her kid. As if this is something new. Sookie asks if there's a weird reason Lorelai didn't tell Luke -- that he'd get jealous. Lorelai says there wasn't. "He did beat up a car," Sookie reminds her. I can't find that episode. Lorelai realizes that she should have told Luke about Christopher. "Now he's gonna think I'm hiding something from him, and I'm not! Dammit, he's gonna beat up my car." Jackson is freaking out because he found a gigantic pair of scissors on his doorstep. Maybe Gob's inside. Luke says it's a threat, a horse head in the bed from the town because he said there wouldn't be any ribbon-cutting ceremonies. When Jackson goes on to say that he's never having a town meeting, Lorelai tries to cut off his head, too. She will not have her townie fun thwarted by this grumpy guy. Lorelai chalks it up to sympathy mood swings. "He loves me," Sookie sings.
Luke is sweet and schmoopy around Lorelai, but she's jumpy and full of guilt and once again telling the neverending Bathrobe Bandits story, so quickly that Luke figures out something is up. Lorelai confesses to seeing Christopher, and how unimportant it was, but it happened. Twice. And whee! Yay, no problem. Awesome. Yay. Luke tries to act like he's rock and roll with it, but you know, the fact that Lorelai didn't want to tell him means he should think about it. She takes a cell-phone call because that's what Gilmores do when someone's mad at them.
It's Emily, shouting for Lorelai to get over there right now. "Who is this?" Lorelai asks. (Thanks for the link, daisie.) Emily is distraught because Lorelai's advice landed her a hot date and now she doesn't know what to wear or what to do on her date with a man who heard her say "hello." Emily tells Lorelai that it's all her fault. There's a lot of blame getting shifted in this episode. Lorelai tells Emily that "hello" isn't Lorelai's line, or a line at all. Emily threatens Lorelai that if she doesn't get over to Emily's house immediately she'll book a DAR convention at the Dragonfly every single weekend until she dies.
Lorelai immediately enters Emily's bedroom, narrowly missing a "Chanel attack," when a dress flies across the room toward her face. Emily tells Lorelai to check out the red pantsuit. Lorelai says it's nice and red and "panty-suity." Emily is a mess, worrying about what she should wear, say, and order. Lorelai picks one outfit for Emily. Emily accuses Lorelai of picking whatever just to be able to leave. Emily goes into a panic attack, gasping for breath. They sit for a second. Emily says she can't believe she's dating and single. She says that, the night she got married she panicked, thinking this was the only person she'd be with for the rest of her life. She says that if she had a crystal ball back then, she might have been able to eat her delicious-looking salad. Uh, I'm totally happy that I'm getting married, but there are times when even my brain goes, "Forever, dude. This guy. Forever." Lorelai asks her mother if she's sure this is something she truly wants to do. Emily says she's sure, so Lorelai picks an outfit. Emily thanks her, and then chooses the opposite.
Miss Patty flags down Jackson's car and begs for his help. She says that her accompanist just passed out. Jackson asks if Miss Patty checked the girl's pulse. Miss Patty drags Jackson into the studio, calling him a smart man. As they enter the darkened studio, Jackson wonders if they should call 911. Miss Patty says that the woman is lying in the dark corner of the studio. Surprise! The lights come on to show that Jackson has been dragged to a town meeting, which Miss Patty has just called to order. Kirk slams the door shut. Miss Patty hands Jackson the gavel. Kirk makes a gesture that at first looks like he doesn't understand how muscles work, but then I realize he's pretending to use gigantic scissors. Quirky!
T.J. and Luke are working on those pipes. T.J. says they could survive in the woods together with their teamwork, starting a new civilization. Luke figures they'd need a woman for that, so T.J. decides to bring Liz. But since Luke can't sleep with Liz on account of her being his sister, they'd probably bring Lorelai around. This works out well for T.J., who can genetically mate with either female. Luke asks T.J. if he considers himself a jealous man. T.J. asks if Luke's cutting pipe with some other guy tomorrow. Hello, DIRTY! T.J. says he's not a jealous guy: "Jealousy is bad. Jealousy is what landed me in jail. Twice." Luke asks what T.J. would think if Liz had lunch with an ex. T.J. freaks out, asking which loser Liz just had lunch with. Luke swears she didn't. "Was it Art?" T.J. shouts, grabbing a piece of pipe. He runs off to start some trouble. Someone call the cops.
Emily is on her date, discussing Mahler, the Cleveland Orchestra, and conductor gossip. There's flirting and wine, and good times. Emily and her date decide to stay and have more wine.
Luke drives Lorelai somewhere. Don't try to understand the time frame! Lorelai says that America is great because, if you try hard enough, you can eventually find a screening of St. Elmo's Fire somewhere. Luke says that's why they get the really good seats at the summits. Don't try to figure out how they saw a movie tonight! They just did. It's late. They saw Rob Lowe. Eventually, Luke admits that he didn't like the movie. These two aren't going to make it. Luke says he loves how it got him out of a town meeting, though. They kiss at Lorelai's doorstep. They go all the way to first base. Lorelai asks him to stay. Luke says he's got work in the morning. Whatever, she totally has to wash her hair, anyway. He says he'll make it up to her this weekend. But isn't it Saturday? Gah! More kissing. Strummy, strummy, kiss, kiss. Luke tells Lorelai he's cool with lunch now. "Oh, okay," Lorelai says. "Good." Luke leaves.
Paris has broken her fast and is surrounded in food. It's the kind of meal reserved for Lorelai and Rory on a Friday night. Chinese food and pizza and food and food. Rory somehow doesn't want any. Paris ordered two enormous pizzas. Rory leaves to go to Marty's, as Paris continues to chow down, frustrated that there's no cheesy bread.
Marty and Rory are on Marty's bed, studying Rome. "College is breaking my spirit," he admits. "Every single day telling me things I don't know. It's making me feel stupid." They decide to take a break, since Rory's exhausted. Marty says that living is exhausting. Rory complains that her week totally sucked. By the way, Rory couldn't position her head any further away from Marty. She clearly isn't interested in him. "Why'd it suck?" Marty asks. "Just a ton of schoolwork," she says, adding: "Ramadan." Check out this lie: "I broke up with my boyfriend this week." Every single word in that sentence is a lie! "That was fun. In front of a bunch of people at my grandmother's house." A bunch of people who belittled you in public. Rory then mopes about Christopher, and how her dad just keeps trying to be in her life when she totally doesn't need his broke ass. Marty says that once he found out his dad wasn't really his dad, it made their relationship much better, since all the fatherly pressure had been taken off. Marty shouldn't bother trying to open up to Rory, because when she's not talking about herself, she immediately falls asleep. Just as Marty tries to veer the conversation back to Rory's being single, he notices that she's zonked out in his bed. Get used to it, Marty, because if you do become her boyfriend, it's the loneliest job there is.
Lorelai made popcorn. The phone rings, but she's too busy reading the back of the DVD she's about to watch. Even her answering machine message (and maybe get with the '00s, Lor, and splurge on voicemail) is impatient and snippy. The phone call is from Christopher. He asks if she's there. He says he's calling because lunch ended badly, and if she talked to Rory she knows that it totally wasn't his fault. He asks her to call. Lorelai instead turns off the light and waltzes upstairs to watch Strummy-Strummy-La-La: The Third Act Resolution.
Emily gets home from her great date. Can Richard see her from the pool house? At the door, Emily and Simon giggle and decide to do this again sometime. They handshake a "good night."
Emily enters her house. Once the door shuts, she stops. Her smile fades. Emily weeps in her empty house, sad that her life has changed so much in such a short period of time, feeling lost and lonely in having to start over. Happy Thanskgiving, America!