Lorelai carries a bag full of strummy-strummy-la-la over her shoulder and "almost" "runs into" Miss Patty. "Whoa, honey!" Miss Patty shouts, and it's like the dinner theatre show has begun. Lorelai apologizes: "I didn't see you there." Moving on from the obvious joke...Miss Patty somehow knows that inside Lorelai's bag are several pairs of shoes. Lorelai says it's a sickness: "Everyone thinks it started with Bradshaw, but actually it came over with the Mayflower." Miss Patty thanks Lorelai for the history lesson. Shoes are tossed between the women, and we hear angry Italian from inside the shop. Miss Patty explains that Pasquale is feeling unappreciated again, even though they just had "Stars Hollow Loves Pasquale Day" last week. "It didn't stick," says Miss Patty. She then invites Lorelai to her anniversary party. Lorelai asks which husband the party is for. Miss Patty explains that it's her anniversary with "the business we call show." Forty years of Miss Patty trying to convince us all that people pay money to see her stand on a stage. She's throwing a boozy, song-and-dance party at her studio to celebrate the forty years since that one day she did her off-off-off-Broadway (Cleveland) show. Lorelai says she'll even drag Luke there so she'd appreciate it if Miss Patty would pick on him publicly. Miss Patty tells Lorelai that Luke won't be coming. Lorelai promises that she has effective methods of persuasion, involving extremely high heels and all of Jessica Simpson's bath products. Miss Patty says that the party is on Tuesday, the 30th, which is Luke's Dark Day. But it's weird because the episode is airing on Tuesday the 30th, and I can't help thinking they are now intentionally messing with our heads. And if the party is right now when we're watching the show, then who's watching us?! Miss Patty tells Lorelai that Luke has a yearly "Dark Day," where he disappears and nobody knows where he goes. "Why didn't I know about this?" Lorelai asks. Because you're self-centered. Because you never asked. Because you have lived in this town for almost twenty years but somehow seem to know to nothing about its history. Miss Patty unsympathetically tells Lorelai that everybody else knows about Luke's Dark Day. Lorelai heads into the shoe store, flirting up a storm with Pasquale, prompting Miss Patty to note, "Oh, she's good." You should see what Lorelai does to get free coffee.
I don't know who ordered the blanket that covers the couch in Paris and Rory's common room, but it is hideous. It looks like I knitted it. Terrence, Paris's life coach, is back, and is encouraging her to start dating again, even though the love of her life just passed away and she's a double major (Poly Sci. and Bio Chem., for those of you creating the ultimate trivia game) and all boys are stupid. Terrence calls Paris "timid," and suggests that she's not putting herself "out there." Just as Paris says the words "Asher was very important to me," Rory -- currently orbiting her own planet -- interrupts Paris's three-hundred-an-hour coaching session to ask if anyone has seen her notebook. I'm sorry, Rory, is Paris getting coached in how to succeed in your life? Terrence ignores Rory and tells Paris again that she's not putting herself out there. Paris says, "He just died." Terrence flippantly suggests that Brimful-of-Asher was halfway dead when Paris met him. Terrence asks Rory whether Paris has tried to meet men. Paris says you don't just "meet people." Rory doesn't want to help, so she says she'll go to her room. Terrence scolds Paris for being a month behind on both her dream log and her pretty thoughts journal. Paris says she shouldn't be penalized for not thinking pretty lately since Terrence was in court-ordered rehab. Rory butts in again to ask Paris why she hadn't told her about a message sitting on the table from Headmaster Charleston. Paris is busy, Rory. Take a number. Terrence defends himself, saying he had a back problem and the prescription was in his Filofax. Fucking Rory (which is starting to catch on as her nickname, I must say), then makes a cell-phone call right there. "Hello? HEADMASTER CHARLESTON? This is Rory Gilmore. I'm SORRY it took SO LONG to call you back. I JUST got your message." Terrence tells Rory she's being passive-aggressive. Sing it, Terrence.
“ Headmaster Charleston asks Rory if she'll host a prospective Yalie from Chilton for a few days. This one is a 'bright, focused, quietly determined' young girl who reminds the Headmaster of Rory. That would be the Rory before all the sex and adultery. ”
Rory stomps into her room and stands in front of a Dave Eggers poster for a long time. Headmaster Charleston asks Rory how she likes Yale. Rory says she loves it because it's nothing like she thought it would be. It's nothing like we thought it'd be, either, Rory, and that's exactly why we still wish you had gone to Harvard. And Lorelai could have some kind of exchange student who's working an internship at the Dragonfly, and she could be the opposite of Rory but still get along with Lorelai like they were sisters and buddies, and Rory could be jealous, particularly when this girl barely studies and makes like, C's, but Lorelai doesn't care because she's not her mother. Headmaster Charleston asks Rory if she'll host a prospective Yalie from Chilton for a few days. This one is a "bright, focused, quietly determined" young girl who reminds the Headmaster of Rory. That would be the Rory before all the sex and adultery. Headmaster Charleston incorrectly assumes that Rory hasn't changed. Rory says that only the wardrobe has been updated. It's hard to see ourselves for who we truly are, isn't it? Rory thanks Headmaster Charleston for the honor. The sixteen-year-old girl's name is Anna Fairchild, and she'll be there Monday morning at nine. Rory makes a Sabrina joke that falls flat with the Headmaster. Rory thanks him again and says she won't let him down. They hang up.
Friday night in the poolhouse. Richard tells Rory that this is a great honor. Rory says she knows. Lorelai is wearing the same shirt she was wearing at the top of the episode. I'm paying attention to Lorelai's wardrobe because the rest of this, while apparently technically accurate, is just a boring Yalefest to me. Rory and Richard debate what Rory should show Anna, besides Rory's classes and the newspaper. There's also a trip to see the Gutenberg (Lorelai: "Steve?" Richard: "Bible."). Hey, Yale. We had one of those at UT, too. Suck it, Richies. Lorelai points out that Rory's tour is a snoozefest, and needs some kind of fun or else Anna will want to fling herself off of Yale's tallest library, even if it's just a quick trip past the drama students yelling "Give me a location!" Richard says that Lorelai might be right. "Who heard that?" Lorelai shouts. Richard and Rory decide to take Anna to "touch the toe," which you rub for luck. "Wow, that is fun," Lorelai says. "Make sure you get a parent consent form for that one." Apparently the toe is true. Here's the difference between Yale and UT. When you're on the UT tour? They don't take you to some rubbed-off toenail. You go to the main building, from the tower of which Whitman shot all those people, and you stand on the steps just behind the statue of George Washington holding a scroll. If you stand at the right angle, it looks like our first President is holding his erect penis. And that's what they show you on every campus tour. I'm not kidding. I am serious. Richard tells Rory that the friends she makes now will be with her for life. Man, that's true. Paris is going to end up Rory's maid of honor. Rory lies that she's got some great friends at Yale. Richard asks about Logan. Lorelai can't believe Richard knows something about a boy that Lorelai doesn't, and also has no idea who he's talking about when he mentions Logan's parents. That makes all of us, Lorelai. Rory tells Lorelai that he's the boy who took her home from the "Male Yale" party the other night. Lorelai correctly identifies him as "limo boy." Richard reminds Rory that Logan's father owns a ton of newspapers. Rory smirks that she already knew that, because she's planning on dating someone to get a job, I guess. Richard also giggles fiendishly, proud that his granddaughter has an opportunity to sleep her way to the top.
“ Lorelai wants to ask about Luke's mysterious Dark Day, which isn't a mystery to anybody and would be pretty easy to figure out if Lorelai just walked down the street to his sister's house and asked her. Not that Lorelai's a fan of either logic or reason. I want some pie. ”
Lorelai confronts Rory outside, between the Gilmore homes, asking why she has to get her Rory gossip from her dad. Rory tells Lorelai she's not dating Logan, and that they're just friends. Lorelai wants to know if he's cute. Rory says she's not dating anyone, and since Dean, she's on a "boy break." She promises to tell Lorelai if that changes. Lorelai says she only has two things she does better than Richard, and that's having information about Rory and looking good in chiffon. Wait. I saw The Cat's Meow. She's wrong. Lorelai adds, "Oh, and my pole dance is way hotter." They head over to Emily's.
Lorelai struts around Luke's apartment wearing nothing but one of his flannels, bragging that one of the best things about dating a diner owner is that she's never too far away from pie. She carries an entire pie and then, I think, crawls into Luke's bed. Luke thought the benefit was that he always smells faintly of meat. Ugh. Lorelai says he's like Willy Wonka, but hotter. Luke says he's not hotter than Willy Wonka. He's got that right. Luke crawls into bed beside Lorelai. She says, "This is nice." He agrees. Don't you think one of them should have said "I love you" by now? I mean, I guess they're waiting until the end of the season, but it's a terribly stunted emotional relationship when they're not even talking about how they're not talking about it. And by that, I mean that a woman like Lorelai would normally be obsessing about how Luke feels about her, if he really loves her or not. Maybe she wouldn't be wondering if she loves him enough, but she'd surely worry that he didn't love her as much as she needs him to, particularly since Luke's such a quiet guy who doesn't profess his feelings too often. Instead, she'd rather know about his mysterious Dark Day, which isn't a mystery to anybody and would be pretty easy to figure out if Lorelai just walked down the street to his sister's house and asked her. Not that Lorelai's a fan of either logic or reason. I want some pie. Lorelai says she thinks their relationship is going well. Luke says he has very few complaints. Lorelai asks what complaints he does have, and Luke just laughs. Maybe it's the fact that Lorelai eats pie out of the tin in his bed. Lorelai gets sneaky and invites Luke to the party she knows he can't attend and acts all surprised and hurt when he says he's not going to go with her because he's got something to do that day. He says he has to go out of town on business. Lorelai asks when he turned into Willy Loman. Also: is Luke still in business with Richard? Is Lorelai ever going to confront her parents for being assholes to her boyfriend? Luke gives Lorelai a peck on the cheek and turns out the lamp, leaving her in the dark with her pie.
Paris is hard at work at her arts and crafts table when Rory comes in, bragging about all the Yale stuff she bought for Anna. She must have spent a couple hundred dollars on all things Bulldog. Rory doesn't seem to know that the "soda cozy" is actually a "beer koozie." Homegirl needs to attend a kegger. Paris calls every girl under the age of seventeen "the enemy," because they come to take the generation's jobs and starter husbands. Rory asks Paris to be gone when Anna arrives so that Paris doesn't scare her off. Paris: "Me? Scare her off? Please. She's the one with the alabaster skin and perky breasts." As Rory goes to answer the door, Paris announces that Eve Harrington has arrived. Anna is not too different from Hannah in face, voice, or story arc. This episode is scarfy. Rory apologizes in advance for Paris. I just wasted twenty minutes trying to figure out what that "Space Cowgirl: Martian Menace" poster is behind Rory. Is it from Cowboy Bebop? And then, who's the guy in the other poster? Emily is going to freak out when she sees how they've trashed that armoire holding the entertainment system. Marty shows up and asks whether Anna's presence means that Paris has moved out. "I'm right here, Marty," Paris says. Without moving a muscle, Marty immediately says, "I know, Paris." Marty leaves to put the food in his own refrigerator. "You have boys bringing you food?" Anna asks. Rory calls Yale "magical." Except that boys have been bringing her food her entire life.
“ Oh, my God. Rory is still reciting Yale facts. What else could we talk about? Because it's just boring to hear. I don't want to go to Yale, do you? Why do I need to know about their bench, or Mr. Yale, or anything Rory says after the last time she broke Dean's heart? ”
Yale Yale Yale, blah blah blah. I spend this time sending songs into my iPod. I highly recommend the ridiculous single by Robert Downey Jr. It's called "Broken," and he sings in a fake Irish accent, and holy cow, it's hilarious. Oh, my God. Rory is still reciting Yale facts. What else could we talk about? Because it's just boring to hear. I don't want to go to Yale, do you? Why do I need to know about their bench, or Mr. Yale, or anything Rory says after the last time she broke Dean's heart? Then Rory realizes that the five minutes of Yale facts she just spouted were about some other bench than the one they're standing in front of.
Rory tells Anna that there's a rumor that you get your degree automatically if you become fluent in Latin, Greek, and Hebrew. "Imagine all the tables you could wait with those skills," she jokes. At UT, there was a rumor that you got an automatic 4.0 if your roommate committed suicide. Rory brings Anna to the newspaper room, prepping her for the incredible intensity of a room buzzing with scoop and impending deadlines. But when Rory opens the door, the place is pretty much empty, and quiet, and resembles the Yearbook room, where I worked for two years. Yes, I was on Yearbook. Yes, I'm Lisa Simpson. Paris and Doyle burst into the room, already fighting. Rory tells Anna that this is the real heart and soul of journalism -- an editor asking his journalist to reveal her source -- but it turns out Doyle's angry because Paris took his pen. Rory gets a cell-phone call and immediately walks away to answer it because the Gilmores have no social skills.
It's Lorelai, and she wants to know if Rory has ever heard about Luke's Dark Day. Can't anyone have some privacy in this town? Lorelai is shelving the fake books in the Dragonfly's fake office, and that cracks me up. Rory says she's never heard of Luke's Dark Day. It's on November 30th, so it's crazy because this episode aired on November 30th, so it's like we're watching the past as it catches up with the present. Freaky! Lorelai figures Rory would know, seeing as how she has a Bob Graham-like obsession with recording her daily life. Rory says she'll check the notebook later and find out where they had breakfast that morning. Lorelai asks if Rory's Mini-Me showed up. Rory says that Anna's tour is going great. Lorelai: "How many bench lectures did you give?" Rory: "Two. But they were about the same bench." Kirk walks up to Lorelai. He's holding a book. Lorelai says she has to go, since someone is standing "abnormally close to her." Rory tells Lorelai to say hi to Kirk. They hang up. Kirk tells Lorelai he has a business proposition for her. He asks how often she slips in her tub. "Never," Lorelai says. Kirk: "Okay, it doesn't work if you answer like that." "Constantly," Lorelai says, interrupting. "I never stop slipping, even after I get out." Kirk shows off his new line of bath and shower adhesive decals. Lorelai looks over the catalog, noting that they are impressive and expensive. Kirk asks Lorelai to look them over right now, since that's the only catalog he has. He points out his favorite, which looks like two fish kissing. Lorelai asks Kirk about Luke's Dark Day. Kirk says that everybody knows about it. He doesn't know the details, but he knows it's every year: "I think it goes back a long, long time." He says that Luke, like everyone, has always had a touch of darkness in him: "Luke's a little more touched than some. He's kind of grabbed, actually." He tells Lorelai about the time Luke knocked books out of Kirk's hands in the seventh grade. "Because of his Dark Day?" Lorelai asks. "No, everyone knocked books out of my hands," Kirk says. "I was kind of a target. I used to wear a cape to school."
“ Thirty- five years of monthly rentals of this poor woman's garage? Dude. Get a shed. ”
Oh, God, Rory. Shut up about Yale! Shut up! Shut up! You are in the library! Shut up! Rory is going on about how much she loves libraries, but Anna is staring to realize how cool college life is. She loves how everybody's dressed: "No uniforms!" She asks Rory how many guys Rory's dated since going to college. Rory deftly maneuvers around that answer, saying she hasn't dated any from Yale. Not officially, anyway. Rory and Anna hold and smell books, as Rory declares, "Nothing, nothing smells like that." Logan catches Rory sniffing books and teases her. Logan tells Anna he could have sworn she was a college girl. That's because the actress playing her is twenty-seven. Anna giggles, and Logan puts even more gel in his hair. Logan tells Anna to make sure Rory takes her to the pub, since that's where everybody hangs out. Rory says she won't, but Anna begs. Not one of these people is supposed to be old enough to be in a pub. Logan says that he was lost, and that's how he ended up in the library. He leaves. "He's cute," Anna says. "Yes, he is," agrees Rory. "But not as cute as Pushkin." Rory calls Anna "Missy," and continues the tour of snooze.
Lorelai's driving somewhere around Stars Hollow in her Jeep and sees Luke yelling at an older woman. It looks like the woman lives door to Kyle's parents. Luke is screaming at this woman to have a great time in Florida before a hurricane kills her. Lorelai immediately gets involved. Mrs. Thomspon, the patient elderly woman, is going to a nursing home and can no longer rent her garage to Luke because the people who are going to rent her house have cars. Mrs. Thompson explains to Lorelai that Luke is upset because his father had been renting that garage to build a boat: "And then when he died, Luke continued to pay for the garage." But now that Mrs. Thompson is moving to a nursing home, she can't take care of...didn't I just say that? I guess they said it twice, too. Anyway, Lorelai scolds Luke for yelling at a "little old lady." If anyone ever calls me that while I'm standing right there, I'm going to be so pissed off. You know, some days I wonder about Little Old Lady Friend, who now has to be about eleven or twelve, and I hope that she never read my recap where I said it looked like her three divorces had been rough on her. Luke yells that he has no place to store the boat on a moment's notice. Mrs. Thompson asks if they can sit down, since the screw in her hip is loose. You know, Mrs. Thompson looks suspiciously like Little Old Lady Friend. Lorelai asks if they can try to figure this out. Luke says he has the perfect solution: "Haul it off! Scrap it." He wants the boat cut up for firewood. He says that Mrs. Thompson can send him the bill after someone hauls it away. Lorelai follows Luke as he storms off. He says he's been paying Mrs. Thompson every month for fifteen years, and his dad had paid her every month for twenty years before. To which I say: thirty-five years of monthly rentals of this poor woman's garage? Dude. Get a shed. Buy a storage unit. Remember Dad's old garage? It was big enough for you to hide a stolen car in. Jess took the car; put the boat in it. Or park it in the lake. Why am I always the one with all the answers?