The Party's Over

At the poolhouse, Richard has decided to treat the girls with a little grilled meat to accompany their martinis in the hour he gets them on Friday nights, before they have dinner with Emily. Rory loves steak so much, she suggests that they form a club about how much they love steak-on-a-stick. That's Rory, always trying to find the most exclusive club to join. Maybe then she can do another expos -- this one on the steak-on-a-stick club. Richard says they could get t-shirts printed for their club, which I have now named The Rich Skewers, prompting Rory to comment that she's never seen her grandfather wear a t-shirt. Richard says he's never found a proper occasion for one. Lorelai toasts to the proper occasion, but that's just because she wants to drink her booze.

Emily storms in, furious that Richard has found a loophole in their agreement. By giving the girls food before Emily does, Richard's ruining their appetites, an impossibility with those two. She rips the skewer out of Lorelai's mouth ("Mom, that's mine," Lorelai quietly whines), and accuses Richard of cheating. Richard calls her paranoid. As Richard and Emily bicker over who gets more time with the girls, Lorelai and Rory pout at each other. Oh, like these girls don't live for moments when people fight for their affection and attention. Emily gives the girls each a pointed finger, and tells them they'd better still be hungry when they come over, "or else!" She almost took out Lorelai's eye with that finger. "Or else!" Lorelai whispers to Rory. The girls decide to eat all of the appetizers, since Emily's just so upset about it. I'm surprised Richard or Emily would use a word like "appetizer."

So once the girls are at Emily's dinner table, they are somehow stuffed from the meat sticks, and unable to eat much more of Emily's meal. Emily snits that she knew this would happen, since Richard already fed them dinner: "Or as he calls it, 'Appetizers.'" The girls protest, saying they're so hungry and they love the food and carrots are delicious. Emily asks the maid to drop another round of food on the girls' plates, seeing as how they're so famished. Ooh, Lorelai's dress is pretty. It's got an open neckline, but comes in just a little bit at the neck. If I put that thing on, it would look like my boobs were in a dialogue bubble.

A phone rings, and Emily immediately barks at Lorelai. But it's Rory's cell phone, and unbelievably, Rory says she has to take the call and runs out of the room. Emily asks Lorelai whom Rory's talking to. Lorelai says she doesn't know, and that there's no reason why she would. "Well, you're the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table," Emily says. "That's for safety, Mom," Lorelai says. "In case someone tries to make her eat five chickens and she has to call 911." Emily says it sounds like Rory's talking to a boy: "Does she have a new boyfriend? Did she finally meet someone at Yale?" Lorelai says she doesn't know, but Emily isn't buying it. Rory comes back in and apologizes, saying that won't happen again. Emily asks whom she's talking to. Rory: "Dean. You remember Dean?" Emily: "The boy who made you the car? I didn't know you were still seeing him." Rory says they "got back together" recently. That's one way of putting it, I guess. Emily asks Lorelai to concur that the news is quite a surprise. Lorelai says she's floored, and then Rory -- who somehow got into Yale with that clueless noggin of hers -- gives Lorelai a confused look. She tells Emily that Dean's been working "crazy shifts" lately, to afford alimony, and Rory's been busy pretending to go to Yale, so they've had a hard time scheduling time together. Emily thanks her for telling her about Dean: "I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up on the street somewhere." Lorelai says she knows how much Emily hangs out on the streets: "You and Melrose Larry Green." Emily asks Rory if she's happy with "this Dean." Rory says she is. Emily makes a face like she just licked a penny and says, "Well, good." She tells the girls to eat up before the fish course: "Olga makes a mean pickled herring." Ew. Lorelai calls that skill "delightful."

When will the opening credits roll? Lorelai and Rory totter out of Emily's house, packed with food. "Gramma's mean," Rory moans. Lorelai says that if it flew, swam, or crawled on this earth, they just ate it. Lorelai then gives Rory a mean pinch so hard that Rory practically screams. Do you think Lorelai really pinched her that hard, or that Rory's a big baby? Because at this point, either of those things is possible. I wouldn't have thought that two years ago, but now...man. Anyway, Rory moans and whines that her arm is practically falling off from the pain as Lorelai bitches Rory out for ruining the save Lorelai had given her about Dean. I love how they're not worried that Emily will hear them talk right outside her front door. Rory says she's not going to lie to Emily about Dean, or anyone for that matter, because she's WITH DEAN. Kind of. A little. Got it? Lorelai walks away, commenting that she's hungry.

Emily knocks on Richard's door. "We need to talk," she says as she walks in. Fade to opening credits.

Luke's. Lane tells Luke that the man at table three wants to send an orange juice to the woman at table four. "As long as he's paying," Luke says. He leans into Liz's face and says, "If someone who wants to eat comes in here..." Liz says she'll leave her counter seat if that happens. Lorelai walks in and says hello. Quite loudly, Lane announces that there's a potential hook-up at table four. Lorelai says that diner romances give new meaning to the term "over easy." So does Rory. Hello! Lorelai and Liz give each other a hug that looks like they're kind of pushing each other away. Liz says she just cruised in. She tells Lorelai she's really jazzed about the Luke and Lorelai thing, and that she wants "private details." So that's how it is in their family. Luke tells Lorelai not to tell his sister anything. Lorelai asks if that means she can't tell Liz about Luke's Canadian Mountie hat.

Liz tells Lorelai that she and T.J. are thinking about buying a winter home in Stars Hollow. NO! That means wintertime Jess! Luke wants his sister to move to Stars Hollow even less than I do. Liz says that some of the stores around Stars Hollow will sell her jewelry on consignment. Well, that ought to be enough cash to pay the mortgage, huh? How much do turquoise earrings net you these days? Liz asks Lorelai how much she paid for her house. Why not ask the girl's weight and age, while you're at it, Liz? Luke tells his sister she can't ask people questions like that, and instructs Lorelai not to answer it. He tells Liz she doesn't want to live in Stars Hollow, and that it's too quiet for her. Liz says she likes quiet. Luke: "You do not like quiet. T.J. does not like quiet. He likes monster trucks and baboons that get really mad at the zoo." Liz says that's true. Lorelai tells Luke he'll like living so close to his family. Luke remarks on how well that's been going for Lorelai.

Luke asks Lorelai for her order. She says that nothing looks good. He says he'll make her a burger. Lorelai says she doesnt want a burger. Liz tells Luke to make his gumbo, which is apparently incredible: "And great Mexican food." With homemade tortillas. And something called "garlic soup," which I think I'll stay away from. Luke interrupts Liz when she starts telling stories of her brother trying to find the perfect lasagna recipe. Liz says she has to go meet the realtor. She pronounces it "real-a-tor," which always drives me crazy. Liz leaves, and Lorelai complains to Luke that he's been holding out on her with his great food and amazing culinary skills. The man makes you food three times a day, Lorelai. Luke says he has many talents. Lorelai says she knows, what with the way he keeps his Mountie hat perfectly balanced on his head, even when they're... Luke interrupts, and warns her to stop thinking about the Mountie hat, before she forgets that there isn't one. Lorelai wants proof that Luke can cook these foods. Luke immediately takes up the challenge and says he's going to cook Lorelai the most amazing meal of her life. Hey, is the word "amazing" in every script? I know I've said it before, but I stopped looking for it, and I think maybe it is. Lorelai asks for it this weekend. Luke says if she stops making the Mountie jokes, she's on. Lorelai says it's a deal and asks for a muffin. That's right, it's still breakfast time. And he was going to make her a burger? Luke can tell that Lorelai is still picturing the Mountie hat on Luke's head. He asks how he looks. "I'll tell you this weekend," she says, and leaves.

Lane storms up to Lane 2.0, and tells her that she can't put any fliers up in the diner. She says she's surprised that MamaLane told Lane 2.0 that she could, because she can't. Lane tells her to stand on a street corner, just like Lane had to from ages six through fourteen. Lane 2.0 whines that she's so hungry. It's flaxseed muffin month, and she's feeling fatigued from a lack of real nutrients in her food: "I have trouble lifting my toothbrush." Lane sits Lane 2.0 down and feeds her fries. Lane 2.0 says that MamaLane told her that fries were the devil's starchy fingers. Lane says they're also hot and delicious and lacking in flaxseed. Lane 2.0 says that fries are a gateway food into pizza, movie popcorn, and deep-fried Snickers bars. Mmm. Lane 2.0 is singing me a sweet, sweet love song. Lane holds the plate of fries under Lane 2.0's nose. Lane 2.0 takes one and is in heaven. "Welcome to America," says Lane. Enjoy your freedom fries.

Yale cafeteria. Rory is going on about some paper nobody cares about. Paris is too busy realizing that all the old professors are checking her out, because she now has a reputation as an oldie-lover. Professor Prady is currently giving her the hey-now: "You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones." Rory's phone rings, and then my phone rings and it's really strange for a few seconds when I think that perhaps Emily has called me to ask that I put on decent clothes before I recap. Maybe the pajamas, but could I at least put on a bra? Sufficiently self-guilt tripped, I do just that. My phone call was from Stee on his bachelor party weekend. I think he hid in the back to call me so that he wasn't teased. I told him that he's not supposed to call me. "Hey, text me when the couch arrives, would you?" Emily and Richard have called Rory from Richard's office, on his speakerphone. They tell her that they're throwing a Yale alumni party this Friday night, so while that means that Rory and Lorelai won't be having a Friday-night dinner, it also means that they'd love Rory to come and meet some of their friends. They beg Rory to come so that they can get their "weekly Rory fix." They promise she won't have chicken or steak-on-a-stick. Then they both fake-laugh. ["The unison fake laugh may have been my favourite part of this episode." -- Wing Chun] But what about Rory's new club? Rory says she'd love to come, and asks if it's fancy. They tell her to wear a pretty little dress and bring her face. Emily asks her to come an hour early. Rory hangs up. Paris asks what's going on. Rory tells her that her grandparents are having a party. Paris bolts from the table because of the sex-daggers thrown at her from another old guy who just doddered in.

I've never seen One Tree Hill, but every single promo has a brawl in it.

Luke's. Lane feeds Lane 2.0 a giant helping of chili cheese fries. That girl's skin is going to be very angry for the rest of the week. Lane 2.0 leans forward to pray. Lane tells her that she doesn't have to thank God every single time she gets served food, and that God gets it with, like, just a blanket thank-you. MfTL walks in and tells Lane that they got free passes to a band this weekend. Lane shouts her excitement. MfTL tells her that all they have to do is carry in all the equipment, and they get to see the show for free. Um.... Lane leaps into mfTL's arms and squeals. Dude, Lane, people are trying to eat. MfTL asks Lane if she's free for dinner that night. Lane says they'll discuss it when she gets home. He leaves.

Liz and T.J. enter Luke's. T.J. shouts to the entire diner that he's in escrow. But he pronounces it "es-ca-row." It will become the most annoying thing ever. Also: what a shitty day to eat at Luke's. Everybody's yelling about their personal lives. Luke can't believe that Liz and T.J. have bought a house. "It's white," T.J. says. Liz tells her brother they bought the first house they looked at. It hasn't been inspected. It needs a new roof. It's on a corner with room for a pool. It's air conditioner-ready, landscaper-ready, alarm-ready, and it'll have three bedrooms when they build on two. Sounds like my house. T.J. is so happy to be in "escarow" that he wants to make the coffee on the house. Get it? On the house? In real life, that escarow check you sign over is so scary that you don't want to buy anything ever again. And escarow is really scary because you still don't own the house yet. Liz asks Luke if he's really bugged that they're moving to Stars Hollow. Luke asks if T.J. even knows what "escrow" means. Liz says she doubts it, but that he's really happy. T.J. asks the diner for high-fives over his escarow. Liz beams, and Luke shakes his head.

Yale. Lorelai and Rory have a phone conversation to say that Lorelai doesn't have to come to Friday dinner. Lorelai says she doesn't know how she'll handle having her Friday night without Emily's cooking: "You might have to come over and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am." She tells Rory she can get her out of that Yale party if she wants. But Rory loves her role as snobby kiss-ass, and thinks that it's a good sign that Richard and Emily were in the same room asking her to come to the party, even though they were manipulating her together. Rory says they sounded happy, like they used to. She says she's sure she wants to go. Lorelai tells Rory to make sure Richard doesn't make her sing Whiffenpoof songs all night. She adds that she's sorry she won't see Rory. Rory says she'll come by Lorelai's afterward and spend the night so that Lorelai can take her shopping all day Saturday. Someone sure does like herself these days.

MfTL can't find the magazine he was reading for free at the newsstand. Amir, the newsguy, tells mfTL that they aren't supposed to be for free. Because we've missed her, MamaLane storms up and gives mfTL a speech that's so good, I'll just transcribe it. "You! You dirty, filthy devil-boy! You will pay for this. You will burn in hellfire for this. You will swim in the sludge with Satan's helldogs and feed them your innards for eternity!" MfTL looks like Crispin Glover when he's asking Biff to get his damn hands off Lorraine, and asks if this is about the magazine. MamaLane says that her daughter's an innocent girl, and mfTL's a wild pig of filth. MamaLane says she knows everything he does, and that he can't carry out his dirty, filthy schemes without her finding out. Kyon (Lane 2.0) told her about how he had his dirty, filthy hands on Lane. MfTL shakes his head, protesting, gesturing that he did no such thing. MamaLane swears that he will be punished, since that is what happens "to all swine who walk up tall." She runs away. MfTL is visibly shaken.

While Luke might be planning an elaborate meal to woo Lorelai, CuteDean is making do with what he has. In this case, it's a bunch of stockroom items that have been declared unsellable. In the back room at Doose's, CuteDean brings out a tray of sandwiches, broken chips, and expired juices. Rory can barely contain her excitement in her four-hundred-dollar outfit. Aw, CuteDean even lit a little candle. Rory says it's a nice spread. Dirty! CuteDean says that you have to pull out all the stops when you date an Ivy League girl. He tells Rory he's glad they got to do this today, since they haven't seen much of each other lately. Rory asks if he ever read her story. CuteDean's a terrible liar, all, "Oh, yeah. Great. Loved it. Loved how it began and then how there was that ending. Yeah. Fantastic." Rory goes fishing for compliments, asking him if she seemed objective enough, even though it's a really important "feature" piece. CuteDean plays the dumb card and says he can't critique these things. He just knows the pages tasted good when he licked his drool off of them. Yee-haw! Rory is disappointed that CuteDean didn't use more words to praise her, and changes the subject to their plans for that night. She says she'll go to the party for a couple of hours, and then he can meet her outside the house at 8:30. Why outside the house, Rory? Too embarrassed to have Yalies meet your townie boyfriend? CuteDean says he doesn't want her ducking out of the party early if it'll be a big thing. Rory promises that it won't, and asks him to wait in the car, wearing a limo driver's hat, you know...just for fun. She gives him a mini, unnecessary, guilt trip for trying to suggest they don't hang out tonight, and then tells him to come get her at 8:30. She babbles on to say that she'll have to bring a big purse so that she can change clothes and wear something more Dean-like after the fancy party.

Lorelai shows up to Luke's wearing a French maid uniform. Unfortunately, she's wearing normal clothes underneath it. She says that the outfit is as close as he'll get to her cleaning up tonight. They kiss. Lorelai stumbles in like she's drunk and says it smells "crazy good" in there. Luke is making enough food for two Lorelais. He recites the menu, and by the time he gets to "ricotta cheesecake," I want to date Luke, too. Lorelai calls Luke the perfect man: "I used to think it was Kelsey Grammar." I am really glad she doesn't elaborate on that, even though I cannot understand how she could have come to that conclusion. Lorelai brought candles and Rosemary Clooney. Lorelai says she's so happy to have this Friday away from her parents. She tells Luke she's so happy about it that she might not even notice if the meal sucks. Luke hands her a glass of wine as the music starts. They toast. "Perfect," Lorelai says. The timer goes off for the artichokes, prompting Lorelai to offer a really bad artichoke joke from The Little Rascals. Luke says he knew it was from The Little Rascals. Lorelai is shocked, and says he really is the perfect man. This same exchange happened to Stee and me years ago, when some rap anthology commercial was on. When we spontaneously broke into the call and response of "I gotta man!"/"What's your man got to do with me?," he looked at me with this smile and asked, "Do you want to marry me? You're perfect." Last month at a friend's wedding, Stee was headed away to find the restroom. The DJ changed the record to "I Gotta Man" and I turned, excited to hear the song, sad to see that Sstee was gone. Stee immediately turned back and headed over to me, rapping, and pulled me into his arms. I was standing to a friend from college at the time and her new husband, and when they saw this, my friend gave her husband a smile. Later, she said to me, "He is nothing like what I expected you to bring tonight, and he is absolutely perfect for you. I love him."

Rory has been all dolled up in hair and makeup. But Emily thinks she needs a little frosting. That stupid movie. Now when I see diamond necklaces, I always picture McConaughey talking about frosting. I hate it! Emily wraps an expensive-looking diamond necklace around Rory's neck and then adds diamond earrings and a tiara. "You look like a princess," Emily says. ["It's way too much. Either the necklace or the tiara; with both, she looks like she's playing dress-up." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks if she's sure Emily wants her wearing all of this expensive stuff: "If something should happen --" "Nothing's going to happen," Emily smiles. She says that Rory looks exactly like how Emily wants her to look in front of her guests. How can Rory not tell she's about to enter a one-woman beauty pageant? She's wearing a tiara, for God's sake. Who wears a tiara to a party when it's not your birthday, wedding, or Halloween?

At the top of the stairs, Emily shouts, "Everyone! Here's Rory!" It's a little less formal than Rory's last debutante ball, but it's the same concept. A crowd below "ooh"s and "ah"s. I can't believe Emily called her "Rory." Richard tells Rory she looks royal. Rory says it's probably the crown. She's getting all folksy for some reason, saying, "stuff," and hunching forward so much that it's like she's got osteoporosis. Alexis Bledel. Stand up straight! I thought you were a model! Richard immediately introduces Rory to some of his friends, but mostly he's introducing her to their son. Emily grabs Rory by the stomach and pulls her away to make the rounds. They meet another rich family. I hate the sound of simulated rich small talk, don't you? Fake laugh, fake laugh, pension plan, fake laugh. Oh, everybody's so simply marvelous. Rory keeps adjusting her straps, looking like she's never been in a dress before in her life. More meeting rich bachelors, small talk, fake guffaws. I refuse to recap anything with characters named Bunny and Napoleon Barnes. Rory just now realizes the party is full of boys and no girls. She excuses herself for a moment and pushes her grandparents into another room.

Rory asks Emily if there will be any girls at the party. She adjusts her straps again and says that there aren't that many girls here. Richard and Emily pretend they hadn't noticed that before, and will pay better attention to the guest list in the future. Emily pulls Rory away to introduce her to the heir to the Campbell's Soup throne.

Watching this clip from The Polar Express makes me want to hit the X button on my Playstation controller to skip ahead the badly acted, oddly soulless, dead-eyed actors in the skits between the actual videogame and go back to the real fun.

Lorelai really loves her food. T.J. is still there, sitting just over Luke's shoulder, asking for another minute to pull himself together. Lorelai offers T.J. something to eat, which infuriates Luke, who wants nothing more than for this man to go back home to his wife. Lorelai says he's probably hungry after being there for over half an hour. T.J. goes back to the moaning and crying, and says he appreciates it, being in escarow and all.

Rory listens to a gaggle of douches debate which Mercedes is the best. Yawn. Even the actors clearly have no idea what they're talking about. Rory excuses herself.

Rory goes into a room and calls Lorelai, who answers the phone, "I told you." Wow, Luke's night has totally gone down the crapper. Rory asks Lorelai if she really needs to keep gloating. She fills her mom in on what's happening, and Lorelai feels bad for Rory. Isn't it just terrible, how she's trapped in a mansion in her gown and jewels, the center of all attention, meeting Yale's elite? Poor Rory. So sad she has to wait another hour for her boyfriend to take her out on a date. How does she handle it all? Luke's just sitting there. Lorelai tries to tell Rory the twelve ways out of the house. She thinks that Emily and Richard don't know how to escape out the basement. She's wrong. Rory decides to sit through the rest of the party because Dean's on his way. "They played you, kid," Lorelai says. "I hate that they did that." Rory hangs up.

Luke asks what the matter is. Lorelai says it's nothing a little patricide won't solve. She calls her parents, but the wait staff picks up the phone, and the person who answers doesn't speak English, or pretends not to, to the point where she doesn't know the words "Emily Gilmore." Lorelai asks to speak to someone who knows English, preferably the person in the background who just said the word "salmon." There's a knock at Luke's door. It's Liz. Luke tells her to get her husband. Lorelai's still trying to get someone on the phone as Liz tells T.J. that he can't just barge in on Luke and Lorelai's date. T.J. says he can't deal with Liz right now. She says he's ruining their evening. T.J. does his bad Joey Tribbiani impression to say that he's just sitting there, not doing anything, not ruining anybody's night. Luke asks them to go downstairs to talk. Not that anyone wants to eat their dinner in the diner, I guess. Liz calls T.J. unbelievable, and then they're back in their huge fight, screaming at each other. Luke screams at them to shut up because he has neighbors. Liz is screaming at T.J. for wearing her shoes, and T.J.'s screaming for thinking that something is hers and not theirs, even though they're in escarow. Liz says she's fed up with his drama. She thinks her head is going to explode from his tantrums. T.J. squeals, "My tantrums?," and Liz turns away, hands up, saying she can't take this anymore. She can't even look at him. She locks herself in the bathroom. Luke tells T.J. to get her out of there. "Nope!" T.J. screams. "That's exactly what she wants!" Okay, Luke. New plan. Grab the food, grab the girl, and go to her big, empty, quiet house. NOW. T.J. cries that he's going to start all over again with composing himself. Luke tells Lorelai that Liz is in the bathroom. Lorelai tells him to calm T.J. down while she talks to Liz. Luke says Lorelai was right: having family in town is fun.

Just to be clear, Rory started dating Dean, then had some kind of Tristan-or-Dean crisis that led to Jess-or-Dean as she slowly treated Dean like crap while chasing other boys until Dean broke up with her to save face. She got dumped by Jess, so she started thinking about Dean again. She tried to keep him from getting married, and then threw herself at him again after he was married. Then she fooled around with him while he was married, and sent a letter to his house that destroyed his marriage. Then once she got him all to herself again, she lost interest, because other shitty boys were more interesting, until Dean had to break up with her again so that he didn't feel like the world's biggest douche. What an incredible way to take one relatable character and make her absolutely deplorable. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Good-bye, CuteDean. You were too good for her.

Lorelai's at home, watching The Daily Show, so it's late, unless Lorelai's got TiVo. She calls Emily's house and gets an English-speaking woman on the phone. You'd think with Lorelai's life of growing up around maids, she'd have picked up enough to converse in a few languages. Anyway, Emily is on the phone. Lorelai asks to talk to both her and Richard on the speakerphone for a minute. Emily and Richard teleport to the study. Lorelai says she wanted to touch base about the party for Rory tonight. Emily says that it was for Yale alumni, and not for Rory. Lorelai says she knows that was a trick, and that she thinks it was mean to lie to Rory for this mating ritual. Emily and Richard say that Rory's in a new phase of her life and needs to be exposed to new people. Lorelai says that Rory has a boyfriend, so she doesn't need a new one. Richard says that Rory is twenty, and that Dean isn't going to be her boyfriend forever. Emily says that when Rory is ready to move on, she'll have met someone to start her new phase with. Richard says that Dean may be a nice young man, but that he's not good enough for Rory. Do we have to have this scene in every episode, bouncing back and forth from Rory to Lorelai? Richard says that Lorelai isn't doing her job in this department, so they stepped in. Lorelai tells them to step out again, since it's none of their business. Emily says she's tired, and that the caterers have caked the floor with something sticky, so she doesn't have time for this. She says it's too late for Lorelai, but it's not too late for Rory, so they're going to make sure Rory gets the life she deserves. Lorelai says it doesn't matter what they think about her, but that Rory will choose her own life. Rory's going to choose the life that includes having everyone take care of her constantly, it seems. Emily and Lorelai hang up on each other.

It's a brand-new strummy-strummy for a brand new Rory, who falls out of a limo filled with drunk boys. She's still wearing $500,000 worth of diamonds as she stumbles around in her yard, filled with booze, not a tear in sight, clearly happy with her new phase as rich party skank. Lorelai watches from the living-room window, clearly disappointed in how quickly her daughter is swimming to the shallow end.