At the poolhouse, Richard has decided to treat the girls with a little grilled meat to accompany their martinis in the hour he gets them on Friday nights, before they have dinner with Emily. Rory loves steak so much, she suggests that they form a club about how much they love steak-on-a-stick. That's Rory, always trying to find the most exclusive club to join. Maybe then she can do another exposé -- this one on the steak-on-a-stick club. Richard says they could get t-shirts printed for their club, which I have now named The Rich Skewers, prompting Rory to comment that she's never seen her grandfather wear a t-shirt. Richard says he's never found a proper occasion for one. Lorelai toasts to the proper occasion, but that's just because she wants to drink her booze.
Emily storms in, furious that Richard has found a loophole in their agreement. By giving the girls food before Emily does, Richard's ruining their appetites, an impossibility with those two. She rips the skewer out of Lorelai's mouth ("Mom, that's mine," Lorelai quietly whines), and accuses Richard of cheating. Richard calls her paranoid. As Richard and Emily bicker over who gets more time with the girls, Lorelai and Rory pout at each other. Oh, like these girls don't live for moments when people fight for their affection and attention. Emily gives the girls each a pointed finger, and tells them they'd better still be hungry when they come over, "or else!" She almost took out Lorelai's eye with that finger. "Or else!" Lorelai whispers to Rory. The girls decide to eat all of the appetizers, since Emily's just so upset about it. I'm surprised Richard or Emily would use a word like "appetizer."
So once the girls are at Emily's dinner table, they are somehow stuffed from the meat sticks, and unable to eat much more of Emily's meal. Emily snits that she knew this would happen, since Richard already fed them dinner: "Or as he calls it, 'Appetizers.'" The girls protest, saying they're so hungry and they love the food and carrots are delicious. Emily asks the maid to drop another round of food on the girls' plates, seeing as how they're so famished. Ooh, Lorelai's dress is pretty. It's got an open neckline, but comes in just a little bit at the neck. If I put that thing on, it would look like my boobs were in a dialogue bubble.
A phone rings, and Emily immediately barks at Lorelai. But it's Rory's cell phone, and unbelievably, Rory says she has to take the call and runs out of the room. Emily asks Lorelai whom Rory's talking to. Lorelai says she doesn't know, and that there's no reason why she would. "Well, you're the one who taught her to leave her cell phone on at the dinner table," Emily says. "That's for safety, Mom," Lorelai says. "In case someone tries to make her eat five chickens and she has to call 911." Emily says it sounds like Rory's talking to a boy: "Does she have a new boyfriend? Did she finally meet someone at Yale?" Lorelai says she doesn't know, but Emily isn't buying it. Rory comes back in and apologizes, saying that won't happen again. Emily asks whom she's talking to. Rory: "Dean. You remember Dean?" Emily: "The boy who made you the car? I didn't know you were still seeing him." Rory says they "got back together" recently. That's one way of putting it, I guess. Emily asks Lorelai to concur that the news is quite a surprise. Lorelai says she's floored, and then Rory -- who somehow got into Yale with that clueless noggin of hers -- gives Lorelai a confused look. She tells Emily that Dean's been working "crazy shifts" lately, to afford alimony, and Rory's been busy pretending to go to Yale, so they've had a hard time scheduling time together. Emily thanks her for telling her about Dean: "I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up on the street somewhere." Lorelai says she knows how much Emily hangs out on the streets: "You and Melrose Larry Green." Emily asks Rory if she's happy with "this Dean." Rory says she is. Emily makes a face like she just licked a penny and says, "Well, good." She tells the girls to eat up before the fish course: "Olga makes a mean pickled herring." Ew. Lorelai calls that skill "delightful."
When will the opening credits roll? Lorelai and Rory totter out of Emily's house, packed with food. "Gramma's mean," Rory moans. Lorelai says that if it flew, swam, or crawled on this earth, they just ate it. Lorelai then gives Rory a mean pinch so hard that Rory practically screams. Do you think Lorelai really pinched her that hard, or that Rory's a big baby? Because at this point, either of those things is possible. I wouldn't have thought that two years ago, but now...man. Anyway, Rory moans and whines that her arm is practically falling off from the pain as Lorelai bitches Rory out for ruining the save Lorelai had given her about Dean. I love how they're not worried that Emily will hear them talk right outside her front door. Rory says she's not going to lie to Emily about Dean, or anyone for that matter, because she's WITH DEAN. Kind of. A little. Got it? Lorelai walks away, commenting that she's hungry.
Emily knocks on Richard's door. "We need to talk," she says as she walks in. Fade to opening credits.
Luke's. Lane tells Luke that the man at table three wants to send an orange juice to the woman at table four. "As long as he's paying," Luke says. He leans into Liz's face and says, "If someone who wants to eat comes in here..." Liz says she'll leave her counter seat if that happens. Lorelai walks in and says hello. Quite loudly, Lane announces that there's a potential hook-up at table four. Lorelai says that diner romances give new meaning to the term "over easy." So does Rory. Hello! Lorelai and Liz give each other a hug that looks like they're kind of pushing each other away. Liz says she just cruised in. She tells Lorelai she's really jazzed about the Luke and Lorelai thing, and that she wants "private details." So that's how it is in their family. Luke tells Lorelai not to tell his sister anything. Lorelai asks if that means she can't tell Liz about Luke's Canadian Mountie hat.
Liz tells Lorelai that she and T.J. are thinking about buying a winter home in Stars Hollow. NO! That means wintertime Jess! Luke wants his sister to move to Stars Hollow even less than I do. Liz says that some of the stores around Stars Hollow will sell her jewelry on consignment. Well, that ought to be enough cash to pay the mortgage, huh? How much do turquoise earrings net you these days? Liz asks Lorelai how much she paid for her house. Why not ask the girl's weight and age, while you're at it, Liz? Luke tells his sister she can't ask people questions like that, and instructs Lorelai not to answer it. He tells Liz she doesn't want to live in Stars Hollow, and that it's too quiet for her. Liz says she likes quiet. Luke: "You do not like quiet. T.J. does not like quiet. He likes monster trucks and baboons that get really mad at the zoo." Liz says that's true. Lorelai tells Luke he'll like living so close to his family. Luke remarks on how well that's been going for Lorelai.
Luke asks Lorelai for her order. She says that nothing looks good. He says he'll make her a burger. Lorelai says she doesn’t want a burger. Liz tells Luke to make his gumbo, which is apparently incredible: "And great Mexican food." With homemade tortillas. And something called "garlic soup," which I think I'll stay away from. Luke interrupts Liz when she starts telling stories of her brother trying to find the perfect lasagna recipe. Liz says she has to go meet the realtor. She pronounces it "real-a-tor," which always drives me crazy. Liz leaves, and Lorelai complains to Luke that he's been holding out on her with his great food and amazing culinary skills. The man makes you food three times a day, Lorelai. Luke says he has many talents. Lorelai says she knows, what with the way he keeps his Mountie hat perfectly balanced on his head, even when they're... Luke interrupts, and warns her to stop thinking about the Mountie hat, before she forgets that there isn't one. Lorelai wants proof that Luke can cook these foods. Luke immediately takes up the challenge and says he's going to cook Lorelai the most amazing meal of her life. Hey, is the word "amazing" in every script? I know I've said it before, but I stopped looking for it, and I think maybe it is. Lorelai asks for it this weekend. Luke says if she stops making the Mountie jokes, she's on. Lorelai says it's a deal and asks for a muffin. That's right, it's still breakfast time. And he was going to make her a burger? Luke can tell that Lorelai is still picturing the Mountie hat on Luke's head. He asks how he looks. "I'll tell you this weekend," she says, and leaves.
Lane storms up to Lane 2.0, and tells her that she can't put any fliers up in the diner. She says she's surprised that MamaLane told Lane 2.0 that she could, because she can't. Lane tells her to stand on a street corner, just like Lane had to from ages six through fourteen. Lane 2.0 whines that she's so hungry. It's flaxseed muffin month, and she's feeling fatigued from a lack of real nutrients in her food: "I have trouble lifting my toothbrush." Lane sits Lane 2.0 down and feeds her fries. Lane 2.0 says that MamaLane told her that fries were the devil's starchy fingers. Lane says they're also hot and delicious and lacking in flaxseed. Lane 2.0 says that fries are a gateway food into pizza, movie popcorn, and deep-fried Snickers bars. Mmm. Lane 2.0 is singing me a sweet, sweet love song. Lane holds the plate of fries under Lane 2.0's nose. Lane 2.0 takes one and is in heaven. "Welcome to America," says Lane. Enjoy your freedom fries.
Yale cafeteria. Rory is going on about some paper nobody cares about. Paris is too busy realizing that all the old professors are checking her out, because she now has a reputation as an oldie-lover. Professor Prady is currently giving her the hey-now: "You sleep with one old guy, and suddenly you're Catherine Zeta-Jones." Rory's phone rings, and then my phone rings and it's really strange for a few seconds when I think that perhaps Emily has called me to ask that I put on decent clothes before I recap. Maybe the pajamas, but could I at least put on a bra? Sufficiently self-guilt tripped, I do just that. My phone call was from Stee on his bachelor party weekend. I think he hid in the back to call me so that he wasn't teased. I told him that he's not supposed to call me. "Hey, text me when the couch arrives, would you?" Emily and Richard have called Rory from Richard's office, on his speakerphone. They tell her that they're throwing a Yale alumni party this Friday night, so while that means that Rory and Lorelai won't be having a Friday-night dinner, it also means that they'd love Rory to come and meet some of their friends. They beg Rory to come so that they can get their "weekly Rory fix." They promise she won't have chicken or steak-on-a-stick. Then they both fake-laugh. ["The unison fake laugh may have been my favourite part of this episode." -- Wing Chun] But what about Rory's new club? Rory says she'd love to come, and asks if it's fancy. They tell her to wear a pretty little dress and bring her face. Emily asks her to come an hour early. Rory hangs up. Paris asks what's going on. Rory tells her that her grandparents are having a party. Paris bolts from the table because of the sex-daggers thrown at her from another old guy who just doddered in.
I've never seen One Tree Hill, but every single promo has a brawl in it.
Luke's. Lane feeds Lane 2.0 a giant helping of chili cheese fries. That girl's skin is going to be very angry for the rest of the week. Lane 2.0 leans forward to pray. Lane tells her that she doesn't have to thank God every single time she gets served food, and that God gets it with, like, just a blanket thank-you. MfTL walks in and tells Lane that they got free passes to a band this weekend. Lane shouts her excitement. MfTL tells her that all they have to do is carry in all the equipment, and they get to see the show for free. Um.... Lane leaps into mfTL's arms and squeals. Dude, Lane, people are trying to eat. MfTL asks Lane if she's free for dinner that night. Lane says they'll discuss it when she gets home. He leaves.
Liz and T.J. enter Luke's. T.J. shouts to the entire diner that he's in escrow. But he pronounces it "es-ca-row." It will become the most annoying thing ever. Also: what a shitty day to eat at Luke's. Everybody's yelling about their personal lives. Luke can't believe that Liz and T.J. have bought a house. "It's white," T.J. says. Liz tells her brother they bought the first house they looked at. It hasn't been inspected. It needs a new roof. It's on a corner with room for a pool. It's air conditioner-ready, landscaper-ready, alarm-ready, and it'll have three bedrooms when they build on two. Sounds like my house. T.J. is so happy to be in "escarow" that he wants to make the coffee on the house. Get it? On the house? In real life, that escarow check you sign over is so scary that you don't want to buy anything ever again. And escarow is really scary because you still don't own the house yet. Liz asks Luke if he's really bugged that they're moving to Stars Hollow. Luke asks if T.J. even knows what "escrow" means. Liz says she doubts it, but that he's really happy. T.J. asks the diner for high-fives over his escarow. Liz beams, and Luke shakes his head.
Yale. Lorelai and Rory have a phone conversation to say that Lorelai doesn't have to come to Friday dinner. Lorelai says she doesn't know how she'll handle having her Friday night without Emily's cooking: "You might have to come over and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am." She tells Rory she can get her out of that Yale party if she wants. But Rory loves her role as snobby kiss-ass, and thinks that it's a good sign that Richard and Emily were in the same room asking her to come to the party, even though they were manipulating her together. Rory says they sounded happy, like they used to. She says she's sure she wants to go. Lorelai tells Rory to make sure Richard doesn't make her sing Whiffenpoof songs all night. She adds that she's sorry she won't see Rory. Rory says she'll come by Lorelai's afterward and spend the night so that Lorelai can take her shopping all day Saturday. Someone sure does like herself these days.
MfTL can't find the magazine he was reading for free at the newsstand. Amir, the newsguy, tells mfTL that they aren't supposed to be for free. Because we've missed her, MamaLane storms up and gives mfTL a speech that's so good, I'll just transcribe it. "You! You dirty, filthy devil-boy! You will pay for this. You will burn in hellfire for this. You will swim in the sludge with Satan's helldogs and feed them your innards for eternity!" MfTL looks like Crispin Glover when he's asking Biff to get his damn hands off Lorraine, and asks if this is about the magazine. MamaLane says that her daughter's an innocent girl, and mfTL's a wild pig of filth. MamaLane says she knows everything he does, and that he can't carry out his dirty, filthy schemes without her finding out. Kyon (Lane 2.0) told her about how he had his dirty, filthy hands on Lane. MfTL shakes his head, protesting, gesturing that he did no such thing. MamaLane swears that he will be punished, since that is what happens "to all swine who walk up tall." She runs away. MfTL is visibly shaken.
While Luke might be planning an elaborate meal to woo Lorelai, CuteDean is making do with what he has. In this case, it's a bunch of stockroom items that have been declared unsellable. In the back room at Doose's, CuteDean brings out a tray of sandwiches, broken chips, and expired juices. Rory can barely contain her excitement in her four-hundred-dollar outfit. Aw, CuteDean even lit a little candle. Rory says it's a nice spread. Dirty! CuteDean says that you have to pull out all the stops when you date an Ivy League girl. He tells Rory he's glad they got to do this today, since they haven't seen much of each other lately. Rory asks if he ever read her story. CuteDean's a terrible liar, all, "Oh, yeah. Great. Loved it. Loved how it began and then how there was that ending. Yeah. Fantastic." Rory goes fishing for compliments, asking him if she seemed objective enough, even though it's a really important "feature" piece. CuteDean plays the dumb card and says he can't critique these things. He just knows the pages tasted good when he licked his drool off of them. Yee-haw! Rory is disappointed that CuteDean didn't use more words to praise her, and changes the subject to their plans for that night. She says she'll go to the party for a couple of hours, and then he can meet her outside the house at 8:30. Why outside the house, Rory? Too embarrassed to have Yalies meet your townie boyfriend? CuteDean says he doesn't want her ducking out of the party early if it'll be a big thing. Rory promises that it won't, and asks him to wait in the car, wearing a limo driver's hat, you know...just for fun. She gives him a mini, unnecessary, guilt trip for trying to suggest they don't hang out tonight, and then tells him to come get her at 8:30. She babbles on to say that she'll have to bring a big purse so that she can change clothes and wear something more Dean-like after the fancy party.
Lorelai shows up to Luke's wearing a French maid uniform. Unfortunately, she's wearing normal clothes underneath it. She says that the outfit is as close as he'll get to her cleaning up tonight. They kiss. Lorelai stumbles in like she's drunk and says it smells "crazy good" in there. Luke is making enough food for two Lorelais. He recites the menu, and by the time he gets to "ricotta cheesecake," I want to date Luke, too. Lorelai calls Luke the perfect man: "I used to think it was Kelsey Grammar." I am really glad she doesn't elaborate on that, even though I cannot understand how she could have come to that conclusion. Lorelai brought candles and Rosemary Clooney. Lorelai says she's so happy to have this Friday away from her parents. She tells Luke she's so happy about it that she might not even notice if the meal sucks. Luke hands her a glass of wine as the music starts. They toast. "Perfect," Lorelai says. The timer goes off for the artichokes, prompting Lorelai to offer a really bad artichoke joke from The Little Rascals. Luke says he knew it was from The Little Rascals. Lorelai is shocked, and says he really is the perfect man. This same exchange happened to Stee and me years ago, when some rap anthology commercial was on. When we spontaneously broke into the call and response of "I gotta man!"/"What's your man got to do with me?," he looked at me with this smile and asked, "Do you want to marry me? You're perfect." Last month at a friend's wedding, Stee was headed away to find the restroom. The DJ changed the record to "I Gotta Man" and I turned, excited to hear the song, sad to see that Sstee was gone. Stee immediately turned back and headed over to me, rapping, and pulled me into his arms. I was standing to a friend from college at the time and her new husband, and when they saw this, my friend gave her husband a smile. Later, she said to me, "He is nothing like what I expected you to bring tonight, and he is absolutely perfect for you. I love him."
Emily is in her element, telling people in uniforms what to do. She's asking the staff to keep the chairs a certain distance apart. If this episode feels familiar to you, it should. As Emily makes a fat joke, Rory shows up in her pretty dress. Emily yells at one of the cater waiters to look at Rory. She makes the man tell Rory she's beautiful. Rory soaks in the compliments. Richard is worried that the bartenders aren't using proper martini glasses, but stops to compliment how lovely his granddaughter looks tonight. Emily says that her hairdresser is upstairs in her bedroom, and if Rory went up there, she could get her hair done, "just for kicks." Richard says he's got downstairs under control, so Emily grabs Rory's hand and skips upstairs.
Lane comes home to find a very upset mfTL, who can't stop thinking about the hellhounds who will feast on his innards. MfTL says that MamaLane sees everything and knows everything, and that it's not cool, nor rock-and-roll. He says he's not that guy, and that he doesn't "do" parents, and that nobody ever takes him home to meet the parentals for a reason. He says he's a back seat, "get in the closet," jump out the window kind of guy. Lane is confused at first, but figures out that Lane 2.0 ratted on her. Lane apologizes profusely and promises that it'll never happen again: "I will take care of the hellhounds, too." MfTL leaves to go walk by a church.
Lorelai is disappointed to find that Luke's flatware is the same stuff from the diner. Man, the snobbiness in this episode. He bought those forks, bitch! Lorelai threatens to tell Dr. Phil that Luke isn’t keeping his work life and home life separate. She pets his head as Luke laughs and continues slaving over the stove for Lorelai. There's a frantic knocking at the door. Luke runs to answer it. It's T.J. He's upset about a fight he and Liz just got into. He yells that women make you crazy, how they burrow into your head and you can't get them out. "Women suck!" he shouts, and then says hello to Lorelai. He says he and Liz had a huge, monster, wammo fight. Luke tries to push him out the door, but it doesn't work. T.J.'s screaming that he's in escarow and this is terrible. Luke tells T.J. he's in the middle of something right now and that this isn't a good time. T.J. doesn't care. Luke asks Lorelai to go stir the sauce, and Lorelai says she can't because she can't cook. She's not good with spoons unless there's ice cream on the end. Luke kind of lunges toward Lorelai, so she runs away to stir the sauce. T.J. complains to Luke that Liz yells at this really loud register that could hurt dogs. Lorelai asks how fast she's supposed to be stirring. Luke tells Lorelai to stir, and T.J. to go back home. Lorelai worries that the sauce is bubbling and turning brown. She says her powers to ruin food are amazing. One time she was watching The Barefoot Contessa, and when a soufflé fell, the Contessa looked at the screen and asked, "Gilmore, is that you?" I'd call Lorelai a princess here, and say that she's just being lazy, but I've seen the same food fears in Djb. I asked him to stir the cookie dough, and he was pretty nervous about it, but I told him he could handle it, and then he broke my wooden spoon in the dough. Then the cookies came out strangely crispy, even though I've made chocolate chip cookies many times. Djb blames himself for the entire thing. So when Lorelai is insistent that her work in the kitchen will only ruin Luke's meal, I know where she's coming from. T.J. asks Luke if he can hang out quietly in the corner, promising to be like a church mouse. Luke goes back to the stove, where Lorelai whines that she's getting carpal tunnel. "I got it," ever-patient Luke says. T.J. cries. Luke tells Lorelai that T.J. needs a minute. T.J. sobs.
Rory has been all dolled up in hair and makeup. But Emily thinks she needs a little frosting. That stupid movie. Now when I see diamond necklaces, I always picture McConaughey talking about frosting. I hate it! Emily wraps an expensive-looking diamond necklace around Rory's neck and then adds diamond earrings and a tiara. "You look like a princess," Emily says. ["It's way too much. Either the necklace or the tiara; with both, she looks like she's playing dress-up." -- Wing Chun] Rory asks if she's sure Emily wants her wearing all of this expensive stuff: "If something should happen --" "Nothing's going to happen," Emily smiles. She says that Rory looks exactly like how Emily wants her to look in front of her guests. How can Rory not tell she's about to enter a one-woman beauty pageant? She's wearing a tiara, for God's sake. Who wears a tiara to a party when it's not your birthday, wedding, or Halloween?
At the top of the stairs, Emily shouts, "Everyone! Here's Rory!" It's a little less formal than Rory's last debutante ball, but it's the same concept. A crowd below "ooh"s and "ah"s. I can't believe Emily called her "Rory." Richard tells Rory she looks royal. Rory says it's probably the crown. She's getting all folksy for some reason, saying, "stuff," and hunching forward so much that it's like she's got osteoporosis. Alexis Bledel. Stand up straight! I thought you were a model! Richard immediately introduces Rory to some of his friends, but mostly he's introducing her to their son. Emily grabs Rory by the stomach and pulls her away to make the rounds. They meet another rich family. I hate the sound of simulated rich small talk, don't you? Fake laugh, fake laugh, pension plan, fake laugh. Oh, everybody's so simply marvelous. Rory keeps adjusting her straps, looking like she's never been in a dress before in her life. More meeting rich bachelors, small talk, fake guffaws. I refuse to recap anything with characters named Bunny and Napoleon Barnes. Rory just now realizes the party is full of boys and no girls. She excuses herself for a moment and pushes her grandparents into another room.
Rory asks Emily if there will be any girls at the party. She adjusts her straps again and says that there aren't that many girls here. Richard and Emily pretend they hadn't noticed that before, and will pay better attention to the guest list in the future. Emily pulls Rory away to introduce her to the heir to the Campbell's Soup throne.
Watching this clip from The Polar Express makes me want to hit the X button on my Playstation controller to skip ahead the badly acted, oddly soulless, dead-eyed actors in the skits between the actual videogame and go back to the real fun.
Lorelai really loves her food. T.J. is still there, sitting just over Luke's shoulder, asking for another minute to pull himself together. Lorelai offers T.J. something to eat, which infuriates Luke, who wants nothing more than for this man to go back home to his wife. Lorelai says he's probably hungry after being there for over half an hour. T.J. goes back to the moaning and crying, and says he appreciates it, being in escarow and all.
Rory listens to a gaggle of douches debate which Mercedes is the best. Yawn. Even the actors clearly have no idea what they're talking about. Rory excuses herself.
Rory goes into a room and calls Lorelai, who answers the phone, "I told you." Wow, Luke's night has totally gone down the crapper. Rory asks Lorelai if she really needs to keep gloating. She fills her mom in on what's happening, and Lorelai feels bad for Rory. Isn't it just terrible, how she's trapped in a mansion in her gown and jewels, the center of all attention, meeting Yale's elite? Poor Rory. So sad she has to wait another hour for her boyfriend to take her out on a date. How does she handle it all? Luke's just sitting there. Lorelai tries to tell Rory the twelve ways out of the house. She thinks that Emily and Richard don't know how to escape out the basement. She's wrong. Rory decides to sit through the rest of the party because Dean's on his way. "They played you, kid," Lorelai says. "I hate that they did that." Rory hangs up.
Luke asks what the matter is. Lorelai says it's nothing a little patricide won't solve. She calls her parents, but the wait staff picks up the phone, and the person who answers doesn't speak English, or pretends not to, to the point where she doesn't know the words "Emily Gilmore." Lorelai asks to speak to someone who knows English, preferably the person in the background who just said the word "salmon." There's a knock at Luke's door. It's Liz. Luke tells her to get her husband. Lorelai's still trying to get someone on the phone as Liz tells T.J. that he can't just barge in on Luke and Lorelai's date. T.J. says he can't deal with Liz right now. She says he's ruining their evening. T.J. does his bad Joey Tribbiani impression to say that he's just sitting there, not doing anything, not ruining anybody's night. Luke asks them to go downstairs to talk. Not that anyone wants to eat their dinner in the diner, I guess. Liz calls T.J. unbelievable, and then they're back in their huge fight, screaming at each other. Luke screams at them to shut up because he has neighbors. Liz is screaming at T.J. for wearing her shoes, and T.J.'s screaming for thinking that something is hers and not theirs, even though they're in escarow. Liz says she's fed up with his drama. She thinks her head is going to explode from his tantrums. T.J. squeals, "My tantrums?," and Liz turns away, hands up, saying she can't take this anymore. She can't even look at him. She locks herself in the bathroom. Luke tells T.J. to get her out of there. "Nope!" T.J. screams. "That's exactly what she wants!" Okay, Luke. New plan. Grab the food, grab the girl, and go to her big, empty, quiet house. NOW. T.J. cries that he's going to start all over again with composing himself. Luke tells Lorelai that Liz is in the bathroom. Lorelai tells him to calm T.J. down while she talks to Liz. Luke says Lorelai was right: having family in town is fun.
Rory gets scoped by a big tool named Jordan who was sent over by Emily because they're made for each other. He asks if she's old enough to be legal and offers her a drink, which isn't legal. She declines the drink. He asks if that's because she gets a little crazy when she drinks. "I'd like to see that," he says. Logan -- a.k.a. Tristan 3.0 -- shows up, flinging an arm around Rory, laying claim to her, calling himself her boyfriend. It's hard to put an arm around Rory; her hunched back makes most things roll right off her. Rory plays along with Logan, easing into him, not saying another word. Logan says he and Rory have been together for a year and a half. Jordan asks what he's doing there, and leaves. Logan tells Rory that she looked cornered. She thanks him for helping her. Logan says he hates these parties: "But at least the bar is stocked, and I must say, your grandmother has excellent food." Richard walks up and is happy to see Logan, because apparently the Gilmores are old friends of Logan's family. He's happy that Rory is in such capable hands. Again, if the scene feels familiar, it's because we've done all this before, and it was much better the first time around. Logan tells Rory that lesson #1 in dealing with these parties is to form a subparty. He calls for Finn and says they need a change of venue. Rory plays with her straps. "Do I know you?" Finn asks her: the only good line they've ever given this boy.
Lane goes to her mom's house to talk to Lane 2.0. MamaLane is out helping someone to find her faith. Lane asks Lane 2.0 why she ratted Lane out to her mother after Lane gave Lane 2.0 fries and bonded with her. Lane 2.0 says she had to tell MamaLane about hugging the boy because MamaLane took her in and she can't lie to her because she'll know because she knows everything: "She read the thoughts and hand gestures!" Lane sits Lane 2.0 down and offers to help her. She tells Lane 2.0 that on Sundays, while waiting for MamaLane to get him from her Crochet for Christ meeting, she doesn't have to sit still quietly, but could watch television, undetected, and then just not tell MamaLane about it. Lane 2.0 says there's a machine in the television set that will tell MamaLane what she watched. Lane says this isn't true. It doesn't exist: "Took me fifteen years to figure it out, but that's the truth." She says that MamaLane also can't smell fast food on Lane 2.0 even after she's showered. MamaLane can't tell how many times Lane 2.0 opened her Bible by staring at her palm. Lane 2.0 says she needs to lie down. I said it in the recaplet, but honestly, Mom had me convinced Silly Putty evaporated, because she never wanted to find the stuff in the carpet, so she'd throw it away whenever I left it out. And the day I figured out she didn't really have eyes in the back of her head was a very liberating day. Lane tells Lane 2.0 that it's a whole new world -- one that took her a very long time to figure out, and that she's willing to pass on all the knowledge. Does it sound like all of Lane 2.0's lines have been dubbed in later? Lane 2.0 is very excited to watch television. Lane says she'll be wearing lip gloss within a month.
Lorelai's still on the phone with Emily's staff, asking for one of the Gilmores. She knows that Emily told the staff to pretend not to speak English. Luke is now pouting, evening ruined, listening to T.J. and Liz scream at each other in the bathroom. Luke says they can't still be fighting in such a small room. Lorelai suggests that they're having angry make-up sex. This doesn't make Luke feel any better. He apologizes about dinner. Lorelai says it was great: "It was delicious and interactive." In a move I'll never understand, Luke tells Lorelai to go home so that she doesn't have to deal with this. And again, unbelievably, Lorelai does, leaving him with the meal and the fight to deal with. I guess you need a formal invitation to sleep at Lorelai's. Luke gives her an entire cheesecake and says they'll try again tomorrow. Lorelai says that she'll try stirring something time, now that she's so good at it. They kiss for a while, and Luke thanks her for not being related to him. They kiss some more, and then Lorelai leaves.
The kids have taken over Richard's poolhouse. Colin tells Rory that her father has terrible taste in Scotch. Logan tells him to refill the bottle when he's done so that Rory doesn't get busted. Colin promises he will. Logan gives Rory more champagne. Finn says that drinking is very, very bad, and that they should be punished: "Spank me." Rory says that tomorrow's hangover will be punishment enough. Finn tells Logan to give Rory more champagne. Logan, Lorelai, Liz, Luke, Lane, Lorelai, Lorelai, Louise, Lulu -- can someone buy Gilmore Girls another letter? Logan sits down and compliments Rory's article, and then gives it a few red marks of criticism, which is just the kind of light bondage Rory was looking for. Rory fidgets in her dress. Lorgan asks who's going to win the meat market tonight. The boys all surround Rory, begging to be picked the winner. Rory giggles -- oh, so happy suddenly with all these boys. Finn says he's exotic. "So's the Asian Bird Flu," someone cracks. Logan can't believe there's a room filled with guys and still such slim pickings. Lorelai says she should let her boyfriend help her choose. Logan says he's crushed to learn about her boyfriend. Rory suddenly remembers Dean and asks what time it is. "It's crying time," Finn says. It's 8:45. Rory jumps up to leave, and the boys all follow her, saying they have to see the one who won Rory: "Gotta make sure he's good enough." They're teasing her with whoops and shrieks as she runs to the front door.
The boys are all squealing as Rory squeezes her way out the front door, laughing and joking with what looks like a building full of boys. Dean, who's been waiting patiently, doesn't say anything. Rory just keeps fixing her straps, and then saunters over like, "Dean, hi. I'm sorry; have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch, and we were in the poolhouse." She points at the boys and introduces them as her Yale friends. She starts to talk about how boring the party was, but stops herself. "Is that a new shirt?" she asks. Dean thinks it over and then asks, "What am I doing here, Rory?" Rory: "You're picking me up." Dean shakes his head. "I don't belong here," he says. "Not anymore." The strummy-strummy-la-la starts as Rory kind of exhales a little. "Do I?" Dean asks. And instead of saying anything real, Rory just goes, "Dean." He nods and says, "You look good." Rory's tears start, and I wonder if this break-up is because people were so upset that Dean cheated on his wife for Rory, or if the writers just wanted to make us hate Rory even more so that the end of the year we don't care what happens to her anymore and they can write her off the show so that Lorelai can adopt Lane. Dean gets into his truck and drives away as Rory crosses her arms and cries. And for a second, it's almost like how it was back before they lost sight of how to write this couple, back when they were two people who admired each other for their differences, and wanted to be like each other in ways that they weren't. Back when they loved each other in an innocent sweetness that seemed really timeless. Their break-ups are so much better than their actual relationship, and that's really quite sad. Logan immediately swoops in and tells Rory she's going to be okay. She says she's not. Logan assembles the troops, and tells the men they're to go back to the poolhouse for some serious bucking up. Colin offers to pour more Scotch. Finn offers to re-enact The Passion of the Christ. Rory blots away that one tear as Logan practically kisses her neck, murmuring that nothing ever seems as bad after Finn's The Passion of the Christ: "Except Finn's Passion of the Christ." Rory and Logan stare at each other until Logan grabs Rory's shoulder and leads her back in. He tries to put his arm around her, but he bumps his elbow on Rory's hunchback.
Just to be clear, Rory started dating Dean, then had some kind of Tristan-or-Dean crisis that led to Jess-or-Dean as she slowly treated Dean like crap while chasing other boys until Dean broke up with her to save face. She got dumped by Jess, so she started thinking about Dean again. She tried to keep him from getting married, and then threw herself at him again after he was married. Then she fooled around with him while he was married, and sent a letter to his house that destroyed his marriage. Then once she got him all to herself again, she lost interest, because other shitty boys were more interesting, until Dean had to break up with her again so that he didn't feel like the world's biggest douche. What an incredible way to take one relatable character and make her absolutely deplorable. I've said it before, but I'll say it again: Good-bye, CuteDean. You were too good for her.
Lorelai's at home, watching The Daily Show, so it's late, unless Lorelai's got TiVo. She calls Emily's house and gets an English-speaking woman on the phone. You'd think with Lorelai's life of growing up around maids, she'd have picked up enough to converse in a few languages. Anyway, Emily is on the phone. Lorelai asks to talk to both her and Richard on the speakerphone for a minute. Emily and Richard teleport to the study. Lorelai says she wanted to touch base about the party for Rory tonight. Emily says that it was for Yale alumni, and not for Rory. Lorelai says she knows that was a trick, and that she thinks it was mean to lie to Rory for this mating ritual. Emily and Richard say that Rory's in a new phase of her life and needs to be exposed to new people. Lorelai says that Rory has a boyfriend, so she doesn't need a new one. Richard says that Rory is twenty, and that Dean isn't going to be her boyfriend forever. Emily says that when Rory is ready to move on, she'll have met someone to start her new phase with. Richard says that Dean may be a nice young man, but that he's not good enough for Rory. Do we have to have this scene in every episode, bouncing back and forth from Rory to Lorelai? Richard says that Lorelai isn't doing her job in this department, so they stepped in. Lorelai tells them to step out again, since it's none of their business. Emily says she's tired, and that the caterers have caked the floor with something sticky, so she doesn't have time for this. She says it's too late for Lorelai, but it's not too late for Rory, so they're going to make sure Rory gets the life she deserves. Lorelai says it doesn't matter what they think about her, but that Rory will choose her own life. Rory's going to choose the life that includes having everyone take care of her constantly, it seems. Emily and Lorelai hang up on each other.
It's a brand-new strummy-strummy for a brand new Rory, who falls out of a limo filled with drunk boys. She's still wearing $500,000 worth of diamonds as she stumbles around in her yard, filled with booze, not a tear in sight, clearly happy with her new phase as rich party skank. Lorelai watches from the living-room window, clearly disappointed in how quickly her daughter is swimming to the shallow end.