Previously: Luke and Lorelai kissed, and they liked it. Rory and Emily left their man troubles behind by overnighting themselves to Paris. (Speaking of, where is that girl?) And, you know, someone's committing adultery.
Lorelai passes three townies on her way to the mailbox -- Al, Fred, and Sam (I'm not going to bother learning their names, either), but doesn't say a word to Bootsie. Another random townie hands Lorelai a flyer and announces the opening of the cider mill with a big parade this Saturday. Come one, come all! Why am I not in a Newsie hat? Extra, extra! Getcher foreshadowing, piping hot! Lorelai immediately recites the news to the passerby, handing off her flyer. That's how Lorelai recycles. She passes Miss Patty's, where Miss Patty is inappropriately telling her young disciples in apple costumes that they're about to have the juice sucked out of them. Miss Patty calls Lorelai the town's "spunky entrepreneur." Pleased with the title, and way too busy to stop and talk to a friend, Lorelai walks away agreeing, "I am the ber-Trump-Murdoch-Maximus!" Here's where I call "Daniel." (I'm right; I'll bet you were, too.) Does "ber" count as a shout-out? Lorelai looks back and calls "Apple down!" Miss Patty "rushes" to help her fallen tiny dancer. It's no "We have a piper down," but anybody trapped in a giant foam costume cracks me up. Miss Patty is polite enough to turn back to tell Lorelai to have a nice day, but Miss Thang is far down the street, having forgotten anything behind her. We fade to black listening to the nameless townie remind us that there's a "big parade" with free cider. Why bother having a teaser?
Luke's. I guess Lane's been running things while Luke's been at the Ren Faire. Give that girl a raise. Lane calls out an order to one of the Cesars as we pan over to Brian and mfTL. Brian is telling the story of what I'm guessing is The Da Vinci Code. I'm the last person in the world who hasn't read it, but then I don't read the Grisham, either. Oh, please don't let that be the reason you email me about The Da Vinci Code, okay? Just don't email me about it at all. I don't care how much you loved it. Eventually, mfTL yells at Brian to stop talking, despite Brian's protests that it's the #1 book in the country. Lane comes to table to take their order. MfTL orders a cheeseburger and some "wink-winkers." Lane says she doesn't mind throwing them free fries because they're her friends. She tells them they don't have to call them anything other than "fries." There's no need for winking, smirking, or "cute-cutsey" names. I know he's my friend and all, but man, they make Todd look even skuzzier than CuteDean on this show. What's with the shiny shirt and greasy hair? Can't a boy on this show have good hair? (I can do my own foreshadowing, you see...) Brian and mfTL argue about whether they can order something in a cute-cutsey fashion if they aren't verbal about it. Lane leaves to get the order as Brian whips out a pocket full of change for the bill. "Oh, that's not embarrassing," mfTL notes.
Lorelai enters in her thousand-dollar outfit. (I'm not counting the purse.) Lane asks Lorelai if she'd like her "usual to go." Lorelai skips the thank-you and instead asks for it "quick-quick." What's with the double-double, peep-people? Lane tells Lorelai that people are calling her "The Blur," due to the fact that she's barely around and always busy. Dude, she was just having a quick-quicksy convo with Miss Patty-Pat, and said hello to not one, but three unimportant townies. What's she supposed to do, sit around in the diner talking to an empty chair? Everyone she cares about is out of town and everyone else is at the inn. Why am I arguing with Lane? I wonder if she can slip me some jimma-jammies; I'm getting hungry. Anyway, Lane says, "Swoosh! Blur!" and Lorelai calls her "baby," and the dialogue is so quick and staccato that I feel like we're watching that Mad TV parody "Gabmore Girls." Lane tells Lorelai that Luke's stuck at the Ren Faire, since Liz and T.J. are still not on their feet: "He's calling [it] his Vietnam, without all the fun shooting."
“ It's always best not to describe too much about a Renaissance Faire. Otherwise you run the risk of pitying the people involved, followed by a deep, lingering depression about the state of society. ”
Lorelai walks behind the counter to inspect a series of postcards taped to the wall. They're from Rory. To Lane. Yeah, I know, it's totally out of Rory's character to send anything to Lane. And also: why not shoot homegirl an import while you're out getting everything you touch from your fairy grandmother? Lane calls the Asian Cesar "Rob." You can't just change his name all of a sudden. Wait. Lane might have been talking to the customer. Regardless, how pissed do you think the Cesars would be -- grown men, both of them -- to have Lane their interim boss while Luke's out of town? She just got here. Lorelai actually apologizes to Lane for reading her mail. Lane blows it off, saying she's sure it's everything Rory's already told Lorelai anyway. Lorelai drops cash on the counter, promising an extra tip, and then says hello to Brian and mfTL. Todd asks Lorelai if she got herself a "wink-winker." Lane asks Lorelai to erase that from her brain. Lorelai leaves, Lane leaves, Brian counts coins, and mfTL grabs a nudge-nudge-wink-wink.
Ren Faire. It's always best not to describe too much about a Renaissance Faire. Otherwise you run the risk of pitying the people involved, followed by a deep, lingering depression about the state of society. Liz tells a couple of wenches how her leg was fractured in three places, and were it not for the bravery and chivalry of her fine brother, she'd lose her place in the Faire of Renaissance, surely. My mom fractured a finger two months ago and she's still not bending it, so I think that might be a rushed timeline on the bed rest, but I don't have no fancy doctorin' skills. Maybe Liz fixed it Ren Faire style: three leeches and a turkey leg applied fortnightly. Huzzah!
Luke talks to a knave named Henry, who inexplicably laughs whenever people ask him about his beard. He tells Luke the latest gossip o' the land. It seems Haybale Bill got caught in a tent with Annie, the grog girl, who is engaged to the fruit ice guy. This would seemingly mean absolutely nothing to anybody, but they're going to keep this tertiary storyline going through the episode, so I had to write it out. Due to the belligerence of Annie's bethrothed, the grog people are currently enslaving the poor girl in a fort made of kegs. Let's Godspeed to the scene, shall we?
What ho! The camera just swiveled on its base, keeping us in the land of yore, as Luke applies trinkets of pewter and fairywinkles upon a tree of dreams. Nearby, not-too-young T.J, afflicted with the plague of shattered limbs, calls out to fair Luke, thrashing his jewelry-laying skills left and right. Oh, 'tis a pity, how Luke's new brother-in-law does bandy about instruction, without showing any signs of wanting to improve in his own condition. 'Tis true, what they say, that this husband of Amy does like much discussion around the issue, and not much of the issue. We spend three hourglasses' worth of sand watching Lord Danes offer navigation to a lost, fair maiden, prompting the failed jester T.J. once again to knock our beloved diner proprietor for his lack of Ren-Fairian dialogue, such as which I am thusly demonstrating. Thusly. By the by, I am annoying myself most horribly at this moment, and am wishing the speedy conclusion of this humble play. Zounds! It appears the afflicted has come down with a case of heavy-television, which has sprouted from his groin as he rests in his anachronistic lawn chair. Comedy, dear friends and wenches of the land, ensues. Someone says "Deepak Chopra." Prithee Luke soon leaves this prairie of the loon. Sister Elizabeth unleashes her brother's collar, much to the chagrin of Duke Gimpy. The man of much flannel stomps away to find mead, first absconding the electronic storybook. Exeunt.
“ This silly storyline will also continue to go on, even though I don't buy this entire family. Their idiocy and aw-shucks-ness makes them seem like they fell out of the box cover of the Life board game. ”
"Rome." Emily and Rory are led by a concierge who knows Emily by name. Rory thinks their hotel room is nice, but Emily finds it to be hot. Emily inspects the view and complains that it is different. She thinks something has moved -- either the buildings or the ruins. Rory and the concierge assure Emily that nothing has moved in Rome for two thousand years, and that this is the same room Emily has stayed in before. The concierge offers to switch Emily's room, but she decides to settle with this weird, hot, view-obstructed, cigarette-laden monstrosity because Rome likes a martyr. Emily barks at her granddaughter for daring to pull her own bag off the luggage cart. Emily makes plans for high tea and private tours of places like The Vatican. She stresses that the tours should be for only Rory and herself, since earlier they were forced to tour with [shudder] tourists. Emily runs off to tell the bellman how exactly to hang the hanging bags. Rory asks the concierge for directions to the catacombs. The concierge warns her that Emily would not like them: "Bones disturb her." Rory says she goes exploring on her own every day when Emily is down for her nap. The concierge flirts, "Ah, yes. A nap." Emily asks for two more pillows. Emily and Rory dismiss the concierge and then sit to pick their restaurants. Rory is disappointed to find that Emily isn't going to take her nap today. Emily picks up at this, and then decides to stay in the room for a while, pretending she was always going to take her nap, so that she can let Rory explore on her own. Oh, do I love Rory's outfit in this scene. Why can't Marc Jacobs do a line at Target like everybody else? Emily asks Rory when they last called Lorelai. Rory does that bad fake lying she does and stammers that she doesn't know before running out of there as quickly as she can.
Dragonfly. Morning. Lorelai enters with coffee and immediately tells the desk clerk (Rob) that she doesn't like the way the brochures look. She says she's still not sure if she wants to have them at all, since they make the place seem a bit more Super 8 than she's going for. Then she decides not to have brochures at all, picking up the rack and carrying it off. Good decision, Lor. Lorelai doesn't make it to her office because she finds Michel on the floor behind the front desk. He's hiding, and because he doesn't want to talk about it, he declares himself on break. He tells Lorelai that to talk to an employee on break is in direct violation of his union's rules. Lorelai reminds Michel that he's not in a union. Michel explains that he's in a union of oppressed Frenchmen. Lorelai recognizes the U.O.F. I love the random horse whinny. Lorelai stops a random housekeeper and asks her to dust a particular spot on the floor where the vacuum cleaner never hits.
Lorelai meets a family (Krumholtzes?) in the lobby. They've got two kids. The parents want Lorelai to babysit their kids today because, man, the Krumholtzes have an amazing sense of self-entitlement. The kids want to play with Michel, the funny French guy who pretends to hate them. This silly storyline will also continue to go on, even though I don't buy this entire family. Their idiocy and aw-shucks-ness makes them seem like they fell out of the box cover of the Life board game. Lorelai tells the kids that Michel is here, and that he'd be happy to look after them while their parents are gone antiquing. She tells them that Michel is playing hide-and-seek with them right now. The boy actually shouts, "Goodie!" and runs off shouting, "Let's go! Come on!" Yeah, whatever.
“ Emily goes on and on in Italian while Rory stares off into space, her attention clearly elsewhere. No, it's not on a hunky Italian boy. Rory doesn't like boys. Rory is thinking about someone very special back home. No, not Dean. Gah. Pay attention! ”
Lorelai pours coffee for people who don't ask for coffee and tells a waiter to tell Sookie to come to her office when she gets in because she wants to change the menu.
Lorelai appears to immediately walk back out into the lobby where she just was, but maybe that's because I don't understand the blueprint of the Dragonfly just yet. Lorelai congratulates the Fake Kids, who "found" Michel, and are now holding his hands. Fake Boy brags that Michel growled at them and told them to do something to themselves. Fake Girl giggles that Michel used a dirty word. Lorelai pulls Michel two feet away, which creates the television sound barrier. Michel complains that it is not his job to entertain little people. Lorelai reminds him that the Krumholtzes are in the Dragonfly's most expensive room. Then maybe Mr. Krumholtz could splurge a little of that cash on their wardrobe. I mean, characters. I do mean characters. Michel tells Lorelai to watch the kids herself. "I hate kids," Lorelai smiles. Michel pouts that this isn't fair. Lorelai reminds Michel that he's a profit participant, and that if he makes the Krumholtzes happy, he'll have more profits. Michel and the Fake Kids decide to play "an insipid board game."
Lorelai gets a cell phone call from Emily, who is yelling because she's on another continent. Lorelai reminds Emily that phone service has improved greatly over the decades, and Emily resumes a normal speaking voice. Emily tells Lorelai that this is their last stop: "And it's a good thing, too, because I don't know how long I can keep these randy European men off me." As Lorelai listens to Emily brag about the men who flirt with her, she takes over making a bed from a housekeeper. For such a small inn, Lorelai has way too much staff. That might be why they're hurting for cash. Lauren Graham's never made a bed in her life, and it shows. She doesn't even seem to understand a fitted sheet. She tosses it around the bed this way and that as she and Rory have a very perfunctory conversation about the weather. Rory hangs up and Lorelai balls up the sheet, tossing it back to the housekeeper, saying something about bouncing a quarter. The housekeeper is understandably upset as we go to commercial.
"Rome." Emily and Rory have just finished shopping. Rory thinks this was a waste of money, since now they'll have to pay duty (tee hee) on it. Emily just wants Rory to be able to say she bought these things in Rome. Emily orders in Italian, blushing and gushing to Rory that the waiter is practically hitting on her, the way he's lavishing her with praise. We don't get the benefit of subtitles, but I assume the Italian is pretty good because there's no joke here. I love Rory's outfit again. Man, the girl had to have packed more than that duffel bag with the wardrobe she's sporting. Everyone around the ladies is smoking, because...when in Rome, I guess. Emily goes on and on in Italian while Rory stares off into space, her attention clearly elsewhere. No, it's not on a hunky Italian boy. Rory doesn't like boys. Rory is thinking about someone very special back home. No, not Dean. Gah. Pay attention!