"I love you, Rory." "I love you, too, Dean." That's all we hear as we stare at the Gilmore home at the top of the fifth season.
Cut to naked Rory and CuteDean in bed, covers pulled chastely up around their chests, as if they hadn't already done the deed. Rory asks CuteDean if he's comfortable, and if she's killing his arm. "I could move," she says. "Don't you dare move," CuteDean tells her. This would all be incredibly romantic and perfect if it weren't for the wedding ring on CuteDean's hand, which is conveniently tucked under Rory so that we aren't reminded of his wife. You know, I don't care. It is romantic and perfect. I've been waiting for this scene for five years, and no plot device is going to ruin it for me. If you wanted me to care about Lindsay, you should have given her a personality. Right now she's about as much of a conflict as if CuteDean had a lease he couldn't get out of without a stiff penalty. Rory, reading my thoughts, says, "This, right here, is the textbook definition of a perfect moment." CuteDean agrees. "And earlier?" Rory asks, still afraid to use the real words for sex. CuteDean says that earlier was pretty perfect, too. CuteDean then says the cryptic, "However? As a guy, I was trying not to be a pig." Does he mean like not sleeping around on his wife, or more like trying not to drool on her, or...what the hell does he mean? Oh, who cares, he totally bites her on the shoulder while he says it, which is hot, but also meta-strange since the two of them used to date, and you wonder if the CuteDean/Jess rivalry is happening in real life, too, and Milo came down to the set to watch Jared and Alexis fake do-it in Stars Hollow just like they used to do-it in Los Angeles.
Rory says she's happy, and asks CuteDean if he's happy. He says he is. "Happy, but not chatty?" asks Rory. That is the quintessential Gilmorian line. Put that on a t-shirt. "HAPPY BUT NOT CHATTY IS NO KIND OF HAPPY." CuteDean chuckles and says he's trying to make sure that all of this is really happening. He has a point: this show is no stranger to false season openers. Rory and CuteDean kiss, but Rory squishes her eyes tight because she's still not comfortable touching other people. She tells CuteDean that they need a song. She wants something romantic but not mushy -- something that will make them remember this moment. How about "Secret Lovers"? That's what you are. Rory has the perfect solution, and it just happens to be sitting atop her stereo, on her white wicker bedside table. In a completely unrelated note: man, I hate white wicker. It looks as uninviting as it is. CuteDean strokes Rory on her naked shoulder while she puts the CD in the player. Because Gilmores are lazier than you could ever predict, she then holds the remote for the stereo that is closer to her than the remote, and announces that she's about to play the song that will always remind them of this illicit time together. And because Rory's weird, she's chosen "The Candy Man." And because I think they got clearance for the song long after they filmed this scene, Rory immediately starts grooving to a beat that's not there while CuteDean laughs before he could ever possibly identify the song they're listening to. CuteDean says that this couldn't be their song. Rory says it's perfect: it's happy and hopeful and has the word "candy" in it: "Hey, what is more hot than candy?" And with that sentence, Rory almost stole my fiancé. I gotta remember that line for our vows. Rory then sings along to "The Candy Man," and CuteDean laughs while still keeping his hand with possibly a wedding ring on it hidden almost under the mattress. By the way, if anybody's wondering how Rory is in bed, she's so good she knocked the facial hair off CuteDean. I mean, that's pretty impressive. Rory and CuteDean fake fight over the music, prompting Rory to announce that this is what happens when women get control of the remote. They are interrupted by the sound of Lorelai running into the house. She would be searching for Band-Aids, by the way, so they fudged this part a bit. Rory and CuteDean hear Lorelai calling out for her daughter, so they spring out of bed.
Now we're back at the end of Season 4, where Lorelai busts Rory and CuteDean. Rory says that CuteDean came over to borrow something. CuteDean mumbles that he got it, and thanks her, and then leaves. This time we watch CuteDean listen to the fight Rory and Lorelai get into, about how CuteDean is married and this isn't the glorious, wonderful, rainbow-filled moment Rory seems to think it is. CuteDean ducks away before Rory stomps out of the house.
Rory stomps out of her house, putting on her coat. She tries to call CuteDean, but Lindsay answers, because CuteDean is not very good at sneaking around on his wife (So stop emailing me, telling me she was calling Lane. I told you that girl thinks of Lane absolutely last.) Rory flops onto the front steps and cries. Lorelai walks out of the house, and we merge into the last moment of Season 4. When Lorelai tries to sit and talk to her daughter, Rory pouts off, furious with her mom for not understanding how much she loves her married boyfriend. I just realized I tried on Rory's adultery dress about a month ago when I was looking for something to wear to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. No wonder I felt weird about it and took it off, even though it looked good on me. Something told me it wasn't the look I was going for.
Emily storms into her home, Richard on her heels. "You do realize you just leapt out of a moving vehicle," he says to her. Emily tells Richard she doesn't have to live according to his schedule. Richard tries scolding Emily, but she's too angry to listen. She stomps around the house, head held high, backhanding a plant that dares be in her way. As I'm laughing, Richard tells her that their feud has reached comical proportions Charlie Chaplin himself would find hilarious, "and he's dead," Richard informs some of you young 'uns. He offers to fetch Emily a cane and a derby.
In their basement, which appears to be where all things copper are kept, Emily searches for her luggage. She tosses two boxes onto the floor and Richard tells her she's making a mess. He asks who's going to clean all of this up. Emily says either she'll do it, or the maid will: "Or perhaps Pennilyn Lott can come by after one of your clandestine lunches and take a stab at it." Richard reminds his wife that Pennilynn Lott is just a friend. Emily brags that she's going to Europe, where she will have a fabulous time. She will stay in bed until 10 and have two glasses of wine with lunch. Richard: "Only prostitutes have two glasses of wine at lunch!" Emily: "Well, then buy me a boa and fly me to Reno because I am open for business!" I just snorted in a coffee shop. This is the downside to recapping on your laptop in public. ["Also, if that's the standard, my grandma is a hooker." -- Wing Chun] Richard says he's going to bed; Emily says she's going to France. There's a moment of silence for us to applaud the title "written and directed by Amy Sherman-Palladino." Emily struggles with her giant trunk up the stairs, only to find that the door is locked. Emily calls for Richard to help her, but he's busy listening to classical music on eleven. Emily drops the suitcase and stomps back into the basement. She wanders around her storage room, which is the size of my house, deciding what to do. She finds a window. She climbs up and opens it, calling to her husband. Wow, it's easy to break into the Gilmore home. There isn't even a screen on that thing. Richard hears his wife calling to him, and accuses Emily of lying about being locked downstairs. Emily says he locked her in, but Richard says that the door must be jammed. He tells her to try jiggling the knob. Emily's fixing to jiggle his head. Richard asks for a moment, which Emily doesn't have. She threatens to climb out the window, and then decides to do just that, mostly because he keeps telling her not to. As Richard opens the basement door, he finds his wife has taken off her skirt (it caught on the window), and shimmied out the window, ass first. Richard runs after her, telling her to get down. "No!" Emily shouts. She's going to get a run in those nice hose. Richard balls up Emily's skirt and heads upstairs to fetch his crazy wife. Must be a Gilmore thing, sneaking out of windows.
Clad in only black stockings and a pink cardigan, Emily tries to sneak away, holding fabric over her butt. Yowza. Nice legs, Kelly Bishop. Get ready to do the Cell Block Tango in those. Richard teleports into the front yard, accusing his wife of having an aneurysm. Emily tells Richard to get away from her. Richard follows her, asking if she seriously thinks he'd lock her in a basement after thirty-something years of marriage. Emily says she doesn't know who he is at all anymore. Richard says he knew that the mental illness in her family would catch up to her. Emily: "Aunt Coral was not mentally ill, she was athletic!"
Cue the security lights. Emily tries to cover up her privates as two security guards with clipboards approach the couple, asking if there's a problem. Emily says that there's no problem here. The guard says that neighbors have called about a disturbance. Richard says that they're going inside and that everything is okay. Emily tells her husband through gritted teeth, "Do not tell me what to do." The security guard asks the couple for their security password. I don't really know what that means, either. Richard gets testy and tells the rent-a-cops either to shoot them or to go away. Dude, that'd be oddly hilarious if one of the cops just shot Richard. No, it wouldn't. I'm sorry. I am clearly tired, if I'm rooting for stupid humor. I should delete those last two sentences. I didn't. You think less of me now. I'm sorry. The guard begins writing up a report. Emily says that this is awesome, because now that there's a report they will be in the police blotter, which the unfortunately named Petal Huffington reads religiously: "It's like heroin to her!" Emily spits that they are now the scandal of the century. Emily, it's just a report. They aren't even real cops. Put your pants on. Richard shouts that this display demonstrates clearly that Emily is no longer the woman he married. Emily tells Richard that the woman he married was his partner, whom he respected, shared everything with, and trusted. So he's right. She is definitely no longer the woman he married.
Lorelai returns to the Dragonfly to find a mostly naked Kirk passed out on a couch, ass in the air. Lorelai gives an A Mighty Wind-style "Wha' happened?" Luke tells her that Kirk landed butt-first in Taylor's rose bushes. "Oh, poor thing!" Lorelai whines. Luke says that didn't slow Kirk down, though, and that Luke managed to grab Kirk before he hit the miniature goat pen. Who keeps a miniature goat pen? Taylor? That man is twisted. Luke notes that Lorelai was gone for a while, clearly wondering if she was off kissing Digger somewhere. Lorelai blows it off, saying she had some things at home. It's totally unlike Lorelai not to immediately spill this story to Luke, isn't it? You'd think she'd run right to his arms, asking what she should do, how to make Rory not mad at her, happy that Rory isn't sleeping with Jess. Luke asks her if she's okay, and if there's truly nothing she wants to talk about with him. It comes across like he thinks she must feel terrible about kissing him earlier.
Luke and Lorelai are interrupted by the wails of Kirk. Lorelai says that they need to take him upstairs. "Lulu can't see me like this," saysKirk . Lorelai tries to argue her side, but Kirk screams, "Lulu can't see me like this!" loud enough that Lulu must have heard. Lorelai asks if she can take a look. Kirk says she can't. Lorelai confesses that she doesn't want to take a look. Neither does Luke.
Enter Sookie, who calls this a party. (Poor Sook must not be invited to too many parties.) Lorelai calls her Squiggy, and says she's got good timing. They make Sookie look at Kirk's butt, since she's a chef and a mom and looks at butts full-time these days, unlike Lorelai, who doesn't look at her daughter's butt anymore, now that it's gotten so big. You'd think I was making that up, but I'm not. Sookie immediately assesses the ass and declares it a state of emergency. Lorelai leaves for first aid. Sookie asks Kirk how he's feeling. Kirk apologizes to Luke for biting him. "They were after me," he says. Sookie asks who was chasing him. Luke explains that Kirk thinks assassins were chasing him. I've typed the word "ass" a lot in this paragraph. Kirk says they were under his bed in his room, so they chased him, down the hall, down the stairs, past Luke and Lorelai kissing, through the yard, over that fence. Sookie tells him the assassins are gone now. Kirk asks if he imagined both the assassins and Luke kissing Lorelai. Sookie laughs and says she's pretty sure he imagined both. Kirk says they looked so real. Sookie sees Luke give a guilty grin to his shoes. She pushes Luke into the foyer, telling Kirk to take it easy.
In the foyer, Sookie can barely contain her excitement over the joining of Luke and Lorelai's mouths. She slaps him, pushes him, beats him, and hugs him, asking why Lorelai hadn't told her yet; in the same breath, she tells him how wonderful it all is. They hug. Sookie says she can't wait to tell Lorelai how wonderful it all is. Luke asks her not to say anything, as he's not sure how Lorelai feels about it all just yet. "Call me Belinda," Sookie says, "'cause my lips are sealed!" She tells Luke that this is good, and walks away. Luke thinks for a bit before telling the air, "I hope so."
CuteDean's house. There's a tray for his keys. It rests to the gigantic wedding photo of CuteDean and Lindsay that looks like it was done at a prom sponsored by Sears. "Hey," Lindsay says, waiting up at the table like the jilted wife she is. "Hey," CuteDean says back. Lindsay smiles and says her mom brought by brownies. CuteDean goes straight to the fridge. "You worked late again," Lindsay says. We are in 1967, aren't we? Wasn't this a scene in The Wonder Years? Lindsay asks CuteDean if he has to work tomorrow. CuteDean says he works at Doose's tomorrow. Lindsay asks if he'll be home for dinner, since she was thinking of "cookin' or somethin'." CuteDean fixes himself something non-alcoholic and goes, "I guess. I'll try. I don't know." Lindsay asks CuteDean if he wants a brownie. Not with his orange juice, he doesn't. And I can't blame him. The first time I ever got sick drinking alcohol, which was coincidentally the first time I ever got drunk, I was drinking Fuzzy Navels while eating brownies. Y'all, that's the nastiest-looking puke you've ever seen. Lindsay says her mom put Gummi Bears in the brownies, like she's still three. Perhaps it's because Lindsay talks like she's still three, and is wearing jammies.
CuteDean picks up his cell phone, which is on the counter, and stares at it like a foreign object. Lindsay tells him that she found his phone in the couch cushions. It rang earlier, but whoever called hung up. Lindsay either doesn't understand Caller ID or phones, and the idiocy pushes CuteDean over the edge. He becomes AngryDean, which would be more understandable if he were DrunkDean, but he's only had a sip of the orange juice, and hates how his dumb wife was too dumb to catch him cheating, because now he'll have to keep cheating, since she didn't catch him right off the bat. He yells at Lindsay for answering the phone without forcing the person on the other end to talk and leave a message. He's furious with her, blaming her for why he doesn't have any money, why he has to work all these jobs and sleep with other women. She's the reason he forgot his phone in the couch cushions, why people put Gummi Bears in brownies, where they clearly don't belong, and why marriages on this show mean absolutely nothing. (The clock says it's, like, 8 at night, by the way.) CuteDean becomes StrugglingWithEmotionalScenesDean, huffing and puffing through a "You don't get it, do you? I mean, you have absolutely no respect for me at all. That's just obvious." CuteDean stares again at his phone, wondering how Lindsay couldn't see how the Caller ID clearly said, "RORY'S CELL." Two minutes too late, Lindsay says, "I don't wanna fight." She then informs us that they always fight, adding, "I won't answer your phone anymore." She says she was asleep and didn't think. She apologizes. CuteDean doesn't make eye contact to say, "Okay." Lindsay gives a hopeful smile, asking CuteDean if he's "coming to bed." CuteDean apparently can't hit it twice in an hour. Lindsay asks if he's mad at her. CuteDean says he's just tired, and that it's been a long day. Lindsay heads to bed, pausing to twirl a lock of CuteDean's hair in her fingers.
Morning at the Dragonfly. Lulu compliments Sookie on her breakfast buffet. Lulu follows Kirk to a table, but he can't sit. Lulu says that her mom told her that standing while you eat gives you cancer. Kirk marvels that his mother told him the same thing. Jackson arrives with Davey, giving Babette a line to warble: "Oh, my God! The baby's here!" Davey is really cute. I love his little socks. That's my favorite thing about babies: tiny socks. This is how I know I'm not ready to have one, since I'm coveting the wardrobe. Speaking of wardrobe, who dressed Jackson in that shirt? Is he going golfing with Tony Soprano after this? Man. Jackson says Davey came by to see the place that decides his entire college education. Sookie says that if the donuts are any indication, Davey's headed for the Ivy League. Jackson hopes his son isn't stupid. Sookie heads off to her "real" job, and tells her son not to throw up on the buffet.
Michel's looking as fine as ever. Taylor follows Michel, calling his name, saying he has a complaint. He says the word "Michel" about seven times. Finally, Michel apologizes, saying he thought Taylor was calling someone else. Taylor: "Someone else named Michel?" Michel: "If only I could read minds." Taylor complains, "One of my shoes is missing and the other has been chewed." Michel wins best line of the episode with perfect timing and delivery: "Is this a riddle? I'm very busy." Lorelai hears Taylor complain about the demise of his nearly-new shoes. Kirk looks guilty. "Oh, my God," he says. "What have I done?" Lorelai interrupts to ask Taylor why he'd leave his shoes in the hallway. Taylor: "Your complimentary shoeshine!" Michel says he doesn't know what he's talking about. Luke enters the room and says hello to Lorelai. Taylor snaps at Luke, saying he might as well just butt right in, since Taylor couldn't possibly be talking about anything important. Lorelai excuses herself three steps to the left to have a private conversation with Luke. The foyer, it is soundproof, you see. Luke stammers that he has to get back to the diner. Taylor, who doesn't believe in soundproof foyers, says he's still standing there. Lorelai stammers that she has to...trail off mid-sentence, as Luke stammers that he's got some...trailing off to do as well. Lorelai thanks Luke for coming (dirty!), and Luke says he'll see her later (dirty!). Luke leaves slowly, wondering why Lorelai is ignoring their love. Michel tells Taylor that he's making a scene. Taylor says he'll find wherever he read there's shoeshine service, if only to get that look off Michel's face. Lorelai promises Taylor that they don't offer shoeshine service, but that she believes him. Taylor leaves, and Michel scoffs, "That man is why mail-order brides were invented." Rory pouts into the room, wearing an outfit that accentuates every curve. "Oh, my, my," Lorelai says. "What a surprise." Rory says that people will expect her to be there for breakfast, so she came. Lorelai tells Rory to enjoy her breakfast.
Babette and Miss Patty are going to be buried in their Dragonfly robes. Babette asks Rory what happened to her. Rory says she went home early to get some things. Rory makes small talk with the townies over Davey as Sookie waves Lorelai down like she's a passing cab. As Lorelai heads to the kitchen, Jackson offers to take Davey from Miss Patty's lap, since he has "that look on his face." "Oh, please," says Miss Patty. "If I went running every time some guy tried to crap all over me, I never would have gotten married." I missed this show.
Dragonfly kitchen. Sookie launches herself into Lorelai's arms, squealing and squeeing like a forum poster on Red Bull. Lorelai asks Sookie why she's so happy. Sookie says she thinks the Luke thing is wonderful. Sookie tells Lorelai that she found out from Kirk: "He saw you. He saw you kiss Luke! Oh, my God! You were kissing Luke!" Sookie goes back to some business in her kitchen as she goes on about how great it is that Lorelai is with Luke, and that she always hoped one day Lorelai would turn around and see Luke and know what a great guy he is. She's really happy for Lorelai now, because it means Lorelai won't die alone. Somebody will be there when she dies. Yes, that's why people get married in the first place, isn't it? Sookie: "Somebody will find the body and call the police." Lorelai: "Yes, that is a relief." Sookie tells Lorelai that she convinced Kirk that he was dreaming the kiss, and asks why she'd be concerned about anyone finding out. She says that Luke thought maybe Lorelai didn't want the news to get out, but she can't understand why Lorelai would want that. Sookie asks how it was: "Was it on top of a table? Because I always thought it would be on top of a table. Oh, like Bull Durham!" Lorelai says there was no sex. Sookie is disappointed to find out there's no sex. She worries that Luke can't.... Lorelai says she's sure he can, but that there was no time. She says that everything happened at once, with the inn and her parents flipping out and Digger. Lorelai asks what happened to Digger. Sookie says his condo was on fire, or at least that's what Michel had her say when they called his cell phone. Sookie asks Lorelai why she doesn't seem happy about Luke. Lorelai says it's just new, and that she's still processing it. Sookie asks if Luke knows that she's happy and processing, and that once she's done with the processing they'll get to the sex. Lorelai says she thinks Luke knows, or at least he should know, and that she hopes he knows. Sookie tells her to make sure he knows: "Because you two together..." "Means getting to the morgue before I smell, I got it," Lorelai finishes.
Lorelai walks back into the lobby and tries to make small talk with her daughter, who is being evasive. She was going to write Lorelai a note. Like Lorelai reads. Can someone buy me Lorelai's shirt? Thanks. Lorelai makes a joke about Miss Patty never letting go of Davey. She tries to get her daughter to talk about "this," but Rory says her mom said everything she wanted to last night. Lorelai goes, "You know what? Fine. I give. It's your life; do what you want." Rory is happy someone finally noticed she's semi-legal. Lorelai says she wasn't thinking they had to talk like "mom and kid," but more like two friends discussing...her daughter's sex life? Yeah, I think not. Lorelai can't help once again mentioning Dean's married status -- "as a friend." Rory tells her mother she's already mentioned that twice now. Lorelai says she was hoping to help Rory figure this out, as a friend, since Lorelai is the person Rory usually turns to with problems. They decide not to talk about it anymore. Lorelai says she's really busy, so even if Rory changed her mind, she can't help: "Taylor lost his shoe. So, get in line." Rory asks if there's any end to this speech in sight, and I'm glad we're finally seeing a real fight between these two. There should have been many more of them over the years. Two smart, sassy women fighting over boys, clothes and independence: this should be the like, seventeenth huge fight we've seen in two years. Rory storms out of the inn. Lorelai bends over and we can see her bra. Taylor rushes down the stairs and shows Lorelai a piece of paper from his room. Lorelai calls Michel into the lobby to point out the list of services including facials, wraps, peels, and shoe shines. These are all services they don't provide at the Dragonfly. Michel pouts that Sookie gets to serve whatever quiche her heart desires that day, but he requests one facial peel and gets the smackdown. Lorelai apologizes to Taylor and promises to replace his shoes. Taylor, for those of you still making the Gilmore Girls Home Game, wears a size six and a half shoe, narrow. Lorelai tells Michel she can't believe he did this. Michel: "Oh, you can, too." Lorelai demands Michel find a replacement pair of shoes this afternoon, and that his dogs have to get off the premises immediately. Michel argues that his chows had nothing to do with the destruction of the shoes. Lorelai isn't hearing it, and threatens Michel with one of Taylor's shoes. Michel promises to take the dogs home as soon as he finds Paw-Paw, who went for a walk and hasn't returned: "He's just testing his boundaries." "Apparently, so are you," Lorelai says. Lorelai makes a cell-phone call.
I don't know how all these people can be at Luke's when they're all supposed to be at the Dragonfly, but Luke's is hopping. Lorelai asks Luke if they can talk. He says they're kind of busy. One of the Cesars shouts an order that's ready. Luke asks Lorelai what she wants to talk about. She tells him to find a quieter place, away from where he's busy working, because she decided they needed to talk in the middle of his lunch rush. Lorelai tells Luke to go outside or use his cell phone. Luke has to remind Lorelai that he doesn't have a cell phone. He does this standing to his "No Cell Phones" sign. Lorelai asks what happened to the phone Nicole gave him. Luke says she got it back in the divorce. That was a little exchange for those of you who stopped watching in the middle of last season but tuned in this time because someone promised you the show got good again. Luke explains that he actually threw the phone in the lake after the divorce. Fake Baby Davey then starts screaming, prompting Luke to ask Lorelai to find her own quiet place to talk. Luke has a really, really, really long phone cord.
Lorelai and Luke each find their own closets and stock rooms. Lorelai's has a guest: Paw-Paw, who's dining on Taylor's missing shoe. Lorelai says she realized when she got back last night that she was a little distracted. She hides her shoes from Paw-Paw and says, "We kissed." Luke smiles, but says nothing. "You and me? We kissed?" Lorelai says again. Luke says he remembers. Lorelai calls it unexpected. Luke tells her to relax, and that she could forget it ever happened if she wants to. But Lorelai doesn't want to forget it ever happened: "It was a great kiss." She says that if one of them had been a frog, the kiss would have had some serious consequences. Luke says he's really relieved that she feels that way. Lorelai: "So, you concur?" Luke: "Dear God, yes." Lorelai says that they'll discuss this later. They make plans for tonight. They hang up and smile. Lorelai tells Paw-Paw he'd better finish the whole shoe.
Rory walks through the town square to the one pay phone still in existence in America. Adultery: A World Without Cell Phones. She calls someone and asks to meet.
Miss Patty's. Someone knocks. Rory stands and announces, "Come in!" CuteDean enters. "Hey," he says. "Hey," she says back. "I'm glad you called," he says. "Me too," she says. CuteDean asks if everything's okay at home. Rory lies that it is. Lying's getting easier for her, isn't it? CuteDean takes Rory's hands in his. He's a little breathless. He tells her he likes her shorter hair. Rory says it's grown out a little. "I like it," he says. "I like it, too," she says. They kiss. "So, uh," CuteDean says. "You wanted to talk?" "Yeah, talk," Rory says. "Words. Love." They do lots of kissing, and Rory seems not to hate it this time. I know it's gross, but Miss Patty would be so proud of Rory right now. Remember not to fall asleep this time, guys.
"You what?" Lane asks, incredulously. "I slept with Dean in my room last night in my bed," Rory says for those of you just tuning in. Rory's surprised that Dean can even fit in her bed, since he's tall and her bed's small and he's tall, not small. Lane says she didn't even know they were back together. Rory says they weren't, but she guesses they are now. No, I'm guessing you're not, since he's together with his wife, and you're at Lane's, alone. Lane has on her wall the shag rug that Stee wants to buy for our home. I think this rug would be the worst choice ever for a home that has three cats prone to puking. Lane has found the solution: put it on a wall. Rory tells Lane that Lorelai came home and saw everything, but not everything. Lane freaks out, picturing it in her head. My friend Todd Lowe calls from the other room. Lane shouts that she's busy. Rory tells Lane that she had a fight with Lorelai, so she called CuteDean to have a talk. Why does it sound like there's a playground in Lane's bedroom? There are cars and motorcycles and children playing. Rory confesses that her talk with Dean became sex in Miss Patty's studio. Lane is so smitten with Rory's affair. Lane tells Rory that Miss Patty would be so proud. Hey! I just told that joke, Lane! MfTL calls Lane again. Lane asks Rory, "How was it?" Rory asks Lane why she's whispering. Lane says that no matter where she is, she's pretty sure MamaLane can hear this conversation. Lane has a picture of Angry Little Asian Girl on her wall, a picture AB Chao bought me in t-shirt form. Lane asks Rory if CuteDean was nice to her. Rory says he was, and that they love each other.
MfTL calls Lane again. Lane opens her bedroom door (past her Fahrenheit 9/11 poster), and storms into the living room. Here's a shout-out to Sebastian Bach, who I saw when I went to see Todd Lowe in Justin Tanner's play a few weeks ago. Do you know how hard it was not to turn around and tell Liza Weil, who was sitting directly behind me the entire play, that I think she's a bad-ass motherfucker? It was hard. Seriously. The Band has been having a discussion about germs in Lane's absence, and now mfTL is afraid to touch a microphone. "I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?" Brian asks. Sebastian Bach says he only has the sitter until 6, and then he's got to take the kids to Gymboree. MfTL reminds Sebastian Bach that he promised not to bring up anything parental during band practice. Sebastian Bach points out that they're not currently having band practice, and that he's not discussing a parental issue, but rather being part of the cycle of life: "And that, my friend, is pure rock and roll." MfTL: "Go join the Polyphonic Spree, you fruitcake." Brian mentions that his guitar strap has a weird smell. Lane yells for all of them to shut up, since she's got a friend over who is in desperate need for some girl talk, so that's what she's going to do. She storms off.
Back in Lane's bed, in front of Stee's rug...thing, Rory asks Lane what she thinks of what she's done: "I need some perspective on sex with Dean from you." Lane says that CuteDean and Rory love each other, so there's no problem. "He's married," Rory says, like CuteDean is out of town for the weekend or whatever. "I know," Lane says, looking down to avoid smiling through what's supposed to be a serious problem. Rory asks how she overlooked that fact. She says that CuteDean told her that the marriage was over, and that he was going to tell Lindsay, or maybe even already told her that. She wonders why she didn't ask anything else, and she can't remember what he told her. Lane says she can ask now. Rory says she tried asking, but ended up having sex on an Al Gilbert record. She says she doesn't know what she needs to do. Lane suggests that Rory talk to her mother, since she'll know what to do and at least has a frame of reference about sleeping with married men. (Lane didn't say that, but it's true.) Rory says that talking to her mother is not an option here. The band begins playing, and Lane stomps out into her living room again. What's with the high shutter speed on the camera, guys? Do we need to feel like there's a potential homicide about to happen? Lane yells at the band -- specifically, for mfTL to get away from her drums. MfTL says she was too busy talking about pantyhose or whatever chicks talk about to come to practice. Lane says that nobody is allowed to touch her drums under any circumstances. "He adjusted your seat also," Sebastian Bach tattles. Lane attacks.
Dragonfly. Lorelai tells some kind of housekeeper to light lemon candles up in the rooms before the guests arrive. She tells the woman that she did a great job this weekend. We hear a horse whinny. Lorelai walks into the lobby, not seeing her mother sitting on a couch under a window. When she does finally see her, she drops everything, gasping and yelping, "My God!" Emily says that's a lovely greeting. Lorelai asks how long she's been sitting there. "Ten minutes," Emily tells her. Lorelai: "You scared me." Emily: "Like I'm Dracula." Hee. Emily tells her to stop being dramatic. She says she only showed up for lunch, not to announce that butt-crack-baring jeans have gone out of style. Lorelai can't believe Emily still wants lunch, after she went ahead and left in a huff last night. Listen, it doesn't need to be repeated here as many times as it will on the screen. Suffice it to say Emily still wants lunch with Rory and Lorelai, even though she left, Rory and Lorelai had a fight, and Rory's been busy having sex all over Stars Hollow. Lorelai calls her daughter and demands that she come back to the Dragonfly for lunch.
As Rory heads over to the Dragonfly, she passes a meat market, where Lindsay is arguing with a butcher over how to make roast beef. Lindsay needs to make a really good roast beef tonight so that her husband won't leave her. Lindsay asks the butcher to tell her how to make it again, but to write it down this time. Rory watches, and then runs off to have sex with Dean, since Lindsay's going to be busy learning how to cook a roast.
You can tell by the sound of the horse that we're still at the Dragonfly. Rory, Lorelai and Emily are sitting on some white wicker at an outdoor table, getting served by a waiter. Emily comments on the lovely weather. Rory and Lorelai agree that it is lovely, but won't make any eye contact. Emily says there's no point in putting off her announcement any longer: she's separated from Richard. Since both Lorelai and Rory already knew, the news is met without as much drama as Emily had anticipated. Emily asks Lorelai how many other people she told besides Rory. "So you haven't read Page Six?" Lorelai quips. Emily tells Rory that if she needs to talk to someone about all of this to make it make sense, then by all means she shouldn't ask her mother. Lorelai apologizes, saying she thought it was just a thing Emily and Richard were going through, and that they'd make up. Lorelai somehow doesn't feel partially responsible for any of this, even though it was her relationship with Digger that started Richard and Emily's troubles. Lorelai asks if they're really separated. Emily says they are, and that Richard's moving into the pool house, where rich men sleep with they don't want to leave their actual homes. "So then you're not separated," Lorelai says. "You're separated by the pool."
Emily calls for an end to the conversation. She says she's on her way to Europe by herself for the first time since college. She's leaving tonight, actually. Her travel agent bumped someone from a church group off a flight to Paris, and now it's all hers. But instead of going alone, she'd rather go with Rory. Every young lady should apparently do Europe "the proper way" once in her life. I wonder when it's my turn to go. ["When I'm rich, I'll take you." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai takes all this in, and then quickly realizes how smart it'd be to ship Rory off to Europe for the summer, away from her adulterous boyfriend. "I think you would really enjoy that," she says. She reminds Rory that she doesn't have anything special planned for the summer. Rory smirks, and agrees that she doesn't have anything special. Emily is thrilled, and says she'll "bump another Baptist" to get her precious Rory to Paris. Lorelai is a little shocked at her daughter's impulsiveness, but not enough to stop the trip from happening. Emily excuses herself to use Lorelai's phone (even though we know Emily has a cell phone). "Europe," Lorelai says to Rory. "Cool." Rory asks if this is a Henry James novel: "The young lady acts up and her family ships her off to Europe?" Lorelai protests at first, but then realizes she is shipping her daughter away due to her behavior: "I wasn't planning on it, but maybe somewhere in the back of my mind I just thought..." "Say goodbye to Daisy Miller," Rory says. Lorelai says the trip will give her time. "To travel back to the turn of the century?" Rory asks. "To think," Lorelai finishes. She tells Rory that she didn't have to accept Emily's offer, since she's an adult now and capable of making her own decisions, no matter how erroneous they may be: "You can handle your own affairs. Sorry, that's a bad choice of words." Heh. Lorelai says that Rory could have told Emily she didn't want to go, so she must want to go. Rory doesn't protest, so Lorelai asks Rory why she wants to leave. She asks what she's going to do about Dean. Rory tells her mother that it's none of her business. Lorelai asks if something happened, if there was a fight or if it had something to do with Lindsay. Rory says that she and CuteDean are perfect: "I wanna go so I can get away from you!" Lorelai tells Rory she's five years too late on this bratty phase: "At this point? Storming into your room and blasting your Goth rock? It's just gonna confuse your roommates." Rory stomps off, announcing that she has to pack.
Lindsay is dressed in Marilyn's Seven-Year Itch dress, and I have to assume it's on purpose. She serves CuteDean a roast to some strummy-strummy-la-la music. He slices into it, and it's perfect. Lindsay dances and applauds herself before slinging her arms around her husband. She kisses him and hangs on his shoulders. He smiles as he carves. He holds her hand and laughs as she kisses his face. Fine, I like Lindsay and I hope Rory and CuteDean end this before she gets hurt, okay? Gah. You got me with the roast.
Emily is giving a list of requests to the maid, who must be overjoyed at Emily's leaving. Before the front door closes, we see Richard lighting a cigar, not saying goodbye to his wife.
At Lorelai's, a phone is ringing. Lorelai comes downstairs and watches Rory pick up her cell. Rory sees who's calling, pushes a button, and hides her phone. Lorelai watches it all, and it's killing her not to know what's going on in Rory's life.
Emily has found some kind of airport where there are no lines. Emily tells Rory to hurry up. I can't believe Rory's leaving with just a single bag. ["Why? Her rich granny is going to buy her everything she needs on their trip. (I am jealous.)" -- Wing Chun] Emily tells the security guard that he's allowed to search her. Lorelai pulls Rory aside to give her trashy-magazine money. Rory and Lorelai share an awkward moment. Lorelai tells her to have fun and to call if she needs to talk about anything. Rory says "'Kay," and walks off without even a hug goodbye. You know they'd have a tearful goodbye even if they were furious with each other. They've never done anything like this. Lorelai pouts.
Lorelai comes home to the strummy music. It's been a very long day, given that Lorelai's still in the same outfit. She checks her machine. It's Luke, saying he got a call from his sister and TJ, who got into a little accident, breaking some limbs, and need him to help him run the ren faire booth for a couple of weeks. Luke says he's on his way up to Maine because he foolishly answered the phone. He says he'll be back in about a week. "Great," Lorelai mumbles. The messages is also from Luke, who worries that they aren't far enough in their relationship to where he has to tell her where he's going at all times and he should have just said he was going out of town. He says he's going out of town and that he'll call her later. The message is also from Luke, rambling that he got a cell phone. He says she can call if she wants, but only if she wants. He hangs up, and calls again with the number: (860) 294-1986. You know you already called it. Luke calls again to tell her one more thing: "Don't change your mind until I get back. Okay? Okay."
Lorelai calls Luke's cell. He answers. Lorelai: "Well, if it isn't Dean Moriarty." Luke's driving in the dark, filling Lorelai in on his sister's and TJ's broken limbs. They're okay. Lorelai calls him chivalrous. Luke asks Lorelai if she got his messages. "Oh, no," Lorelai says. "Did you leave a message? Sorry. My answering machine dropped dead of exhaustion." Luke says it was a hell of a test run. Lorelai: "You mean, for the inn, of course." Luke says he does mean the inn. Lorelai says you never know if everything's going to work until you give it a second try. Luke says they'll need a second go-round, then. Lorelai says it's the only thing that makes sense. She asks him where he is right now. Luke says he's ten minutes from "If-I-Lived-Here- I'd-Blow-My-Brains-Out." Lorelai says she hears it's lovely there this time of year. Fade out on Lorelai spending her first evening alone in her entire life.