Previously: Luke and Lorelai kissed, and they liked it. Rory and Emily left their man troubles behind by overnighting themselves to Paris. (Speaking of, where is that girl?) And, you know, someone's committing adultery.
Lorelai passes three townies on her way to the mailbox -- Al, Fred, and Sam (I'm not going to bother learning their names, either), but doesn't say a word to Bootsie. Another random townie hands Lorelai a flyer and announces the opening of the cider mill with a big parade this Saturday. Come one, come all! Why am I not in a Newsie hat? Extra, extra! Getcher foreshadowing, piping hot! Lorelai immediately recites the news to the passerby, handing off her flyer. That's how Lorelai recycles. She passes Miss Patty's, where Miss Patty is inappropriately telling her young disciples in apple costumes that they're about to have the juice sucked out of them. Miss Patty calls Lorelai the town's "spunky entrepreneur." Pleased with the title, and way too busy to stop and talk to a friend, Lorelai walks away agreeing, "I am the Über-Trump-Murdoch-Maximus!" Here's where I call "Daniel." (I'm right; I'll bet you were, too.) Does "Über" count as a shout-out? Lorelai looks back and calls "Apple down!" Miss Patty "rushes" to help her fallen tiny dancer. It's no "We have a piper down," but anybody trapped in a giant foam costume cracks me up. Miss Patty is polite enough to turn back to tell Lorelai to have a nice day, but Miss Thang is far down the street, having forgotten anything behind her. We fade to black listening to the nameless townie remind us that there's a "big parade" with free cider. Why bother having a teaser?
Luke's. I guess Lane's been running things while Luke's been at the Ren Faire. Give that girl a raise. Lane calls out an order to one of the Cesars as we pan over to Brian and mfTL. Brian is telling the story of what I'm guessing is The Da Vinci Code. I'm the last person in the world who hasn't read it, but then I don't read the Grisham, either. Oh, please don't let that be the reason you email me about The Da Vinci Code, okay? Just don't email me about it at all. I don't care how much you loved it. Eventually, mfTL yells at Brian to stop talking, despite Brian's protests that it's the #1 book in the country. Lane comes to table to take their order. MfTL orders a cheeseburger and some "wink-winkers." Lane says she doesn't mind throwing them free fries because they're her friends. She tells them they don't have to call them anything other than "fries." There's no need for winking, smirking, or "cute-cutsey" names. I know he's my friend and all, but man, they make Todd look even skuzzier than CuteDean on this show. What's with the shiny shirt and greasy hair? Can't a boy on this show have good hair? (I can do my own foreshadowing, you see...) Brian and mfTL argue about whether they can order something in a cute-cutsey fashion if they aren't verbal about it. Lane leaves to get the order as Brian whips out a pocket full of change for the bill. "Oh, that's not embarrassing," mfTL notes.
Lorelai enters in her thousand-dollar outfit. (I'm not counting the purse.) Lane asks Lorelai if she'd like her "usual to go." Lorelai skips the thank-you and instead asks for it "quick-quick." What's with the double-double, peep-people? Lane tells Lorelai that people are calling her "The Blur," due to the fact that she's barely around and always busy. Dude, she was just having a quick-quicksy convo with Miss Patty-Pat, and said hello to not one, but three unimportant townies. What's she supposed to do, sit around in the diner talking to an empty chair? Everyone she cares about is out of town and everyone else is at the inn. Why am I arguing with Lane? I wonder if she can slip me some jimma-jammies; I'm getting hungry. Anyway, Lane says, "Swoosh! Blur!" and Lorelai calls her "baby," and the dialogue is so quick and staccato that I feel like we're watching that Mad TV parody "Gabmore Girls." Lane tells Lorelai that Luke's stuck at the Ren Faire, since Liz and T.J. are still not on their feet: "He's calling [it] his Vietnam, without all the fun shooting."
Lorelai walks behind the counter to inspect a series of postcards taped to the wall. They're from Rory. To Lane. Yeah, I know, it's totally out of Rory's character to send anything to Lane. And also: why not shoot homegirl an import while you're out getting everything you touch from your fairy grandmother? Lane calls the Asian Cesar "Rob." You can't just change his name all of a sudden. Wait. Lane might have been talking to the customer. Regardless, how pissed do you think the Cesars would be -- grown men, both of them -- to have Lane their interim boss while Luke's out of town? She just got here. Lorelai actually apologizes to Lane for reading her mail. Lane blows it off, saying she's sure it's everything Rory's already told Lorelai anyway. Lorelai drops cash on the counter, promising an extra tip, and then says hello to Brian and mfTL. Todd asks Lorelai if she got herself a "wink-winker." Lane asks Lorelai to erase that from her brain. Lorelai leaves, Lane leaves, Brian counts coins, and mfTL grabs a nudge-nudge-wink-wink.
Ren Faire. It's always best not to describe too much about a Renaissance Faire. Otherwise you run the risk of pitying the people involved, followed by a deep, lingering depression about the state of society. Liz tells a couple of wenches how her leg was fractured in three places, and were it not for the bravery and chivalry of her fine brother, she'd lose her place in the Faire of Renaissance, surely. My mom fractured a finger two months ago and she's still not bending it, so I think that might be a rushed timeline on the bed rest, but I don't have no fancy doctorin' skills. Maybe Liz fixed it Ren Faire style: three leeches and a turkey leg applied fortnightly. Huzzah!
Luke talks to a knave named Henry, who inexplicably laughs whenever people ask him about his beard. He tells Luke the latest gossip o' the land. It seems Haybale Bill got caught in a tent with Annie, the grog girl, who is engaged to the fruit ice guy. This would seemingly mean absolutely nothing to anybody, but they're going to keep this tertiary storyline going through the episode, so I had to write it out. Due to the belligerence of Annie's bethrothed, the grog people are currently enslaving the poor girl in a fort made of kegs. Let's Godspeed to the scene, shall we?
What ho! The camera just swiveled on its base, keeping us in the land of yore, as Luke applies trinkets of pewter and fairywinkles upon a tree of dreams. Nearby, not-too-young T.J, afflicted with the plague of shattered limbs, calls out to fair Luke, thrashing his jewelry-laying skills left and right. Oh, 'tis a pity, how Luke's new brother-in-law does bandy about instruction, without showing any signs of wanting to improve in his own condition. 'Tis true, what they say, that this husband of Amy does like much discussion around the issue, and not much of the issue. We spend three hourglasses' worth of sand watching Lord Danes offer navigation to a lost, fair maiden, prompting the failed jester T.J. once again to knock our beloved diner proprietor for his lack of Ren-Fairian dialogue, such as which I am thusly demonstrating. Thusly. By the by, I am annoying myself most horribly at this moment, and am wishing the speedy conclusion of this humble play. Zounds! It appears the afflicted has come down with a case of heavy-television, which has sprouted from his groin as he rests in his anachronistic lawn chair. Comedy, dear friends and wenches of the land, ensues. Someone says "Deepak Chopra." Prithee Luke soon leaves this prairie of the loon. Sister Elizabeth unleashes her brother's collar, much to the chagrin of Duke Gimpy. The man of much flannel stomps away to find mead, first absconding the electronic storybook. Exeunt.
"Rome." Emily and Rory are led by a concierge who knows Emily by name. Rory thinks their hotel room is nice, but Emily finds it to be hot. Emily inspects the view and complains that it is different. She thinks something has moved -- either the buildings or the ruins. Rory and the concierge assure Emily that nothing has moved in Rome for two thousand years, and that this is the same room Emily has stayed in before. The concierge offers to switch Emily's room, but she decides to settle with this weird, hot, view-obstructed, cigarette-laden monstrosity because Rome likes a martyr. Emily barks at her granddaughter for daring to pull her own bag off the luggage cart. Emily makes plans for high tea and private tours of places like The Vatican. She stresses that the tours should be for only Rory and herself, since earlier they were forced to tour with [shudder] tourists. Emily runs off to tell the bellman how exactly to hang the hanging bags. Rory asks the concierge for directions to the catacombs. The concierge warns her that Emily would not like them: "Bones disturb her." Rory says she goes exploring on her own every day when Emily is down for her nap. The concierge flirts, "Ah, yes. A nap." Emily asks for two more pillows. Emily and Rory dismiss the concierge and then sit to pick their restaurants. Rory is disappointed to find that Emily isn't going to take her nap today. Emily picks up at this, and then decides to stay in the room for a while, pretending she was always going to take her nap, so that she can let Rory explore on her own. Oh, do I love Rory's outfit in this scene. Why can't Marc Jacobs do a line at Target like everybody else? Emily asks Rory when they last called Lorelai. Rory does that bad fake lying she does and stammers that she doesn't know before running out of there as quickly as she can.
Dragonfly. Morning. Lorelai enters with coffee and immediately tells the desk clerk (Rob) that she doesn't like the way the brochures look. She says she's still not sure if she wants to have them at all, since they make the place seem a bit more Super 8 than she's going for. Then she decides not to have brochures at all, picking up the rack and carrying it off. Good decision, Lor. Lorelai doesn't make it to her office because she finds Michel on the floor behind the front desk. He's hiding, and because he doesn't want to talk about it, he declares himself on break. He tells Lorelai that to talk to an employee on break is in direct violation of his union's rules. Lorelai reminds Michel that he's not in a union. Michel explains that he's in a union of oppressed Frenchmen. Lorelai recognizes the U.O.F. I love the random horse whinny. Lorelai stops a random housekeeper and asks her to dust a particular spot on the floor where the vacuum cleaner never hits.
Lorelai meets a family (Krumholtzes?) in the lobby. They've got two kids. The parents want Lorelai to babysit their kids today because, man, the Krumholtzes have an amazing sense of self-entitlement. The kids want to play with Michel, the funny French guy who pretends to hate them. This silly storyline will also continue to go on, even though I don't buy this entire family. Their idiocy and aw-shucks-ness makes them seem like they fell out of the box cover of the Life board game. Lorelai tells the kids that Michel is here, and that he'd be happy to look after them while their parents are gone antiquing. She tells them that Michel is playing hide-and-seek with them right now. The boy actually shouts, "Goodie!" and runs off shouting, "Let's go! Come on!" Yeah, whatever.
Lorelai pours coffee for people who don't ask for coffee and tells a waiter to tell Sookie to come to her office when she gets in because she wants to change the menu.
Lorelai appears to immediately walk back out into the lobby where she just was, but maybe that's because I don't understand the blueprint of the Dragonfly just yet. Lorelai congratulates the Fake Kids, who "found" Michel, and are now holding his hands. Fake Boy brags that Michel growled at them and told them to do something to themselves. Fake Girl giggles that Michel used a dirty word. Lorelai pulls Michel two feet away, which creates the television sound barrier. Michel complains that it is not his job to entertain little people. Lorelai reminds him that the Krumholtzes are in the Dragonfly's most expensive room. Then maybe Mr. Krumholtz could splurge a little of that cash on their wardrobe. I mean, characters. I do mean characters. Michel tells Lorelai to watch the kids herself. "I hate kids," Lorelai smiles. Michel pouts that this isn't fair. Lorelai reminds Michel that he's a profit participant, and that if he makes the Krumholtzes happy, he'll have more profits. Michel and the Fake Kids decide to play "an insipid board game."
Lorelai gets a cell phone call from Emily, who is yelling because she's on another continent. Lorelai reminds Emily that phone service has improved greatly over the decades, and Emily resumes a normal speaking voice. Emily tells Lorelai that this is their last stop: "And it's a good thing, too, because I don't know how long I can keep these randy European men off me." As Lorelai listens to Emily brag about the men who flirt with her, she takes over making a bed from a housekeeper. For such a small inn, Lorelai has way too much staff. That might be why they're hurting for cash. Lauren Graham's never made a bed in her life, and it shows. She doesn't even seem to understand a fitted sheet. She tosses it around the bed this way and that as she and Rory have a very perfunctory conversation about the weather. Rory hangs up and Lorelai balls up the sheet, tossing it back to the housekeeper, saying something about bouncing a quarter. The housekeeper is understandably upset as we go to commercial.
"Rome." Emily and Rory have just finished shopping. Rory thinks this was a waste of money, since now they'll have to pay duty (tee hee) on it. Emily just wants Rory to be able to say she bought these things in Rome. Emily orders in Italian, blushing and gushing to Rory that the waiter is practically hitting on her, the way he's lavishing her with praise. We don't get the benefit of subtitles, but I assume the Italian is pretty good because there's no joke here. I love Rory's outfit again. Man, the girl had to have packed more than that duffel bag with the wardrobe she's sporting. Everyone around the ladies is smoking, because...when in Rome, I guess. Emily goes on and on in Italian while Rory stares off into space, her attention clearly elsewhere. No, it's not on a hunky Italian boy. Rory doesn't like boys. Rory is thinking about someone very special back home. No, not Dean. Gah. Pay attention!
Luke's. Band meeting, minus Sebastian Bach. MfTL explains that they've got a forty-minute gig, five original songs, and six or seven covers. The problem is that their covers are too good, which will make their original songs sound lame. You can tell Todd's from Texas here, because he calls them the "White Stripes." That's the key to talking like a Texan: always stress the first syllable. Ce-ment. Co-caine. To-ny Hawk. I just stole that joke from an old friend named Joey Gibson. He's cute, talented and Texan -- someone put him on a television show too, would you? Brian suggests that they play all their originals up front and close with the covers. MfTL thinks that would be "asymmetrical," and that they'd lose their audience if they played their lame originals all in a row. They decide to cut all their good covers out of the set: "If we play nothing but crappy covers our originals will stand out." Brian thinks this is brilliant. They decide to play anything by Men at Work. Hey, now. "Who Can It Be Now?" is an awesome song and Colin Hay rocks. Back off, Palladino. Chicago, Wings, Styx, Culture Club -- does this mean they already have covers of these songs, or these are the bands they'd cover? And Violent Femmes does an awesome "Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me." Lane says this is a "kooky" idea, and that they should get together again tonight (at home) and figure it out then. Instead of while Lane's at work. And why are we having this scene? And where's Sebastian Bach? Brian leaves with his helmet. As Lane goes back to work, mfTL is flanked by two girls who enter Luke's like Thing One and Thing Two being unleashed from their box. We watch Lane watch mfTL flirt with the girls. Lane rolls her eyes.
The whinny of the Dragonfly. Fake Kids are playing Chinese Checkers with Michel, who is bored. The kids are bouncing with excitement, and every time Michel talks, they fake-giggle to each other. Fake Girl asks Michel if he'd pretend to get all mad and throw the board again when he loses. "Yeah!" interjects Fake Boy. Lorelai, dressed in a pink and black dress that makes her look like she put something on inside out, asks Michel for double-A batteries. Michel snaps that he can't play Chinese Checkers with all these distractions. Lorelai is upset that they're still not vacuuming that little spot. Maybe it's time to do it yourself, Lorelai. Michel tells Lorelai where to find batteries. Fake Boy jumps Michel's marbles (Dirty!). "Damn!" Michel shouts, and Lorelai immediately explains that water is contained by what Michel just said. It's Michel's turn again. Lorelai frets that the dining-room tables are "always, always, always" out of place. She starts moving the tables around, clearing plates, doing everything but dusting that one spot in the corner, until Sookie seizes her and pulls her into the pantry.
Sookie is mad that Lorelai cleared a plate: "You've gone nutty!" Sookie is worried that she's going to make Lorelai mad, but knows she has to tell her friend that she's become a crazy control freak. Lorelai's doing everybody else's job. She even rearranged Sookie's refrigerator, switching meats and vegetables. Lorelai has turned into Emily. This accusation does not sit well with Lorelai, who would never think she was anything like her mother. Yesterday when I did the dishes while talking to the cats about where I should hang a clock...that's when I knew I had turned into my mother. You allow the fear five seconds, and then you have to move on. Sookie tells Lorelai she has to go home because she keeps falling asleep in her office -- once on a stapler, leaving a "Swingline" impression on her skin all day. (Best line reading of the episode.) Lorelai admits that she's feeling burned out. She says she'll take a break. Lorelai then turns into me: "Not this week, because stuff's been piling up. Not week, because...God." Sookie pushes Lorelai out of the Dragonfly, declaring her break to be right now. Lorelai complains that she doesn't have anyone to hang out with. Sookie promises she'll hang out with Lorelai sometime this week, since she needs a break, too. And you know, television babies can always wait to be fed. Lorelai beams, happy to be released. We hear Michel shout as a Chinese Checkers board flies by in the background. "Do it again! Do it again!" cheer the Fake Kids. Sookie tells Lorelai to hold it together and then leave. Lorelai shields her eyes and runs away. We watch Sookie walk down a hallway because, why not.
Lorelai approaches a gardener on the front porch, but stops herself before she corrects him. She gets a cell-phone call. It's Rory, asking if this is a bad time. Lorelai says she's trying not to be busy. After a few seconds of tense small talk, Rory tells her mother she was just standing on the corner of Bark and Cheese. Lorelai smiles: "Bark and Cheese? Really?" Rory says it still looks exactly the same. Lorelai asks if there was a tiny Italian dog in a basket barking the entire time. Rory says there wasn't, but that she had a flashback. Lorelai teases Rory for having to eat a piece of cheese with her coffee, though Rory insists she used the right word for cream. But she wasn't going to be a whiny tourist, so she tried to pull it off like she wanted cheese with her coffee: "Stinky cheese. The worst, don't forget." Rory says she knows French and a bit of Spanish, but that her Italian isn't very good. Lorelai says that being trilingual is plenty for a young lady. Rory takes a deep breath and apologizes. Lorelai says it's okay. "I screwed up," Rory says. "I screwed up so bad. I handled everything wrong. I keep reliving everything over and over. It's such a mess. I just want to fix it. I have to fix it." She asks her mother for a big favor. Rory's written Dean a letter, and she wants Lorelai to give it to him, since Rory can't mail it to his apartment. "It's a big favor," Rory says again. She insists that this will make everything better, and that she can't wait until she gets home. Isn't she coming home in two days? Anyway, Lorelai says that if Rory gets her the letter, Lorelai will get it to Dean. Rory thanks her a few times. Lorelai tells Rory to have some espresso and Limburger for her. They tell each other that they love each other, and hang up. Lorelai starts to correct the gardener's planting, but Sookie screams from inside the inn at Lorelai to leave. Commercial.
Oh, what a fool I was to think we were past the Renaissance Faire antics. When Liz tries to speak in Ren Faire, she mostly speaks slower, at a higher octave, like when people pretend they know how to sound British. Luke tells his sister he's all packed and ready to go. Liz tells her brother not to worry, since she's got everything under control now. T.J. saunters into the shot, telling a silent, nameless extra that he could die in ten years and they'd trace it back to this very moment, deciding that he hadn't fully healed before going back to sitting around waiting for people to buy necklaces. Luke tells Liz he's going to make a phone call and then leave. Liz asks T.J. to try to yank a metal cash box open with a screwdriver. So now the entire time we're going to be waiting for the moment T.J. drives the tool through his hand and needs Luke to stick around for another six weeks (or through his chest, killing him, forcing Luke to move to the Ren Faire land), but it turns out that doesn't happen at all. Who knows why they bothered giving T.J. this bit of business, making such a big deal out of it. Luke makes a cell phone call, despite T.J.'s warnings about the Ren Faire police looking for those kinds of anachronistic objects.
Luke has called Lorelai, who is always walking into her house when the phone rings, even though she has a cell phone that he probably should have called instead. Lorelai: "Well! Huzzah, and prithee, aren't thou--" Luke: "Stop." Heh. Lorelai whines that Luke wasn't home yesterday like he said he'd be. Luke says he's coming home today. Lorelai: "Oh, what's that, Lucy? A football for me to kick?" Luke says he means it this time. In the background, T.J. complains about the screwdriver. Luike promises he's leaving right away, but needed to call Lorelai right now to tell her the scuttlebutt about Haybale Bill and Annie the grog girl. No new news, just letting us know that Lorelai's been keeping up the gossip over the weeks. Rory's letter has arrived, so who knows what day it is supposed to be. Lorelai moans that she's got a little assignment she has to do. Lorelai asks Luke what lie he's going to tell her now about coming home. Luke says he's coming home today. Lorelai wonders if that means this week, this month, or this year. Luke: "Today." Lorelai: "See you when Hillary's president."
Luke hangs up and looks for a piece of jewelry to bring Lorelai. Liz asks if he needs help. Luke asks for something to match the earrings he already gave her. When Liz finds out that it's Lorelai who's getting the jewelry, she's ecstatic for her brother. "Huzzah!" she shouts. "Huzzah!" shouts T.J.. "Huzzah!" shouts the rest of the Renaissance Faire. It's the funniest moment of the episode, even though it's a totally cheap Monty Python joke. It works. Luke admits he never got the whole "Huzzah" thing. Liz says she's so happy for her brother: "You found your T.J.!" "Please don't put it like that," Luke requests. "You're not going to be alone," Liz says to Luke. What's with everyone happy for these two not because they like each other, but because it means they won't die alone? Is that what happens when people fall in love later in life? Because that's depressing. Liz and Luke hug goodbye. T.J. says that his spine could snap if he hugs anyone. Luke settles for a handshake and a "Good morrow, buddy."
Doose's Market. Lorelai finds CuteDean at one of his jobs, and he's...hot! Thank you for cleaning up the CuteDean. Oh, man. Yay! Hot. Awesome. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could go on. I won't, because I'm getting married and we all know how CuteDean feels about marriage. I don't want to appear even more attractive to him. CuteDean's babbling on about nothing to some girl, and I think this entire moment is filler because the rest of us are shouting at our television screens "Thank you!" and aren't listening to a word the boy says. CuteDean sees Lorelai and excuses himself from the nameless, lineless extra. Lorelai hands CuteDean the letter from Rory. "What happened?" CuteDean asks, full of anxiety. "Where is she?" Lorelai tells him to take the letter. You got served, CuteDean. He knows Rory went to Europe because Miss Patty told him: "What happened? What's she doing there? Who's she with? When's she coming back?" Poor CuteDean. He's so worried about Rory. Lorelai tells him Rory's coming back soon, and that he should take the letter. CuteDean: "Where is she?" Lorelai says she's in Europe. "With who [sic]?" Lorelai: "Her grandmother." CuteDean wants to know why she went. Rory. There is such a thing as EMAIL. You could TEXT MESSAGE CuteDean on his CELL PHONE or EMAIL him before you run away for six weeks. Rory always runs away, and I hate that about her. She's such a coward. CuteDean asks whose idea it was for Rory to head to Europe. Lorelai says it doesn't matter, but CuteDean argues that it does. Lorelai says that she's a messenger, nothing more. CuteDean takes the letter as the strummy-strummy-la-la takes over.
Ignore this: one of the Cesars is explaining to Lane that he can have a salad named after him despite the existence of the Caesar Salad. MfTL enters with his two girlfriends, having finished regurgitating the speech Brian delivered earlier on The DaVinci Code. They sit down to order. MfTL snaps at Lane, which is when I would have kicked him out of the diner. I can't believe she's even going over there after she's been snapped at. Man, I miss Adam Brody on this show. DAVE! COME BACK TO US! Why can't Adam Brody be on every television show? ["I'd rather have him back on just this one, just occasionally, so that he could get over himself a little bit. Boy's starting to believe his own press." -- Wing Chun] One of the girls says the sentence that always signals a complete idiot is talking: "God, I wanna spend, like, three straight years doing nothing but reading." This is always said by someone who doesn't read anything that doesn't have an article about Paris Hilton in it. Lane gets the zinger: "What book?" Heh. MfTL wants some wink-winkers for his slut-slutties, but Lane's not having it. She doesn't want to give free fries to mfTL's chippies because that's not the point of giving free food to your friends. Actually, it is, but not when it's some kind of semi-platonic boy-girl thing. Lane yells that she won't flip-flop the free fries. Lane and mfTL get into a shouting match until mfTL decides they're going to Ed's Pancake World instead. Lane's happy they're leaving, and I'd like her sweater, please. MfTL leaves, but one of the girls, The Reader, comes back to apologize to Lane: "We didn't know." "Know what?" Lane asks. The Reader -- unequipped for this level of conversation -- opens her mouth and exhales. "Know what?" Lane asks again. But The Reader is an Under Five, so she literally can't say any more lines or they'll have to pay her more. The camera pulls in on Lane so that she and the rest of us can figure out that we're supposed to believe that Lane has a crush on mfTL. Now, Todd's my friend and all, but this certainly has not been set up. It'd make more sense for Lane to like geeky Brian or Sebastian Bach (which, in this town of quickly-dissolving marriages, makes sense). But Lane's never even had a conversation with Zack, and I'll call him Zack right now because we're discussing character development, so why do this to Lane? Why make her like the one who's a dick to her all the time? All the time! He plays her drums, he belittles her, he overrides her decisions, he rolls his eyes at every suggestion she makes. So why make another girl fall for the apathetic, emotionally detached, greasy-haired whiny punk brat? Why? Man. WHERE'S ADAM BRODY!?!
Someone put Sookie in a really, really ugly dress. It looks like...well, I can't tell you what it looks like because these recaps fall on the PG side, but it's Georgia O'Keefe's favorite dress in the world, okay? Lorelai and Sookie are walking through town, taking a break from the inn for an entire day. "What a relief," they say. "It all falls away." They immediately stop and talk about the inn for fifteen seconds, making sure one person did this or told someone to do that. ["Heh. That's me and Sars. 'Let's not talk about the site. Except I forgot to tell you...' Four hours later, we're still continuing the same conversation over dinner." -- Wing Chun] Once it's all squared away, the girls feel like they can actually continue on with their day. The women have wandered over to Dean's townhouse, where Lindsay is screaming from their bedroom (where the window's wide open) that she hates him. She is tossing CuteDean's clothes out the window onto the lawn. Man, CuteDean's townhouse must be expensive. CuteDean asks if they can talk. Lindsay throws a hockey stick out the window and tells him she doesn't want him there. CuteDean apologizes and says it'll never happen again. Lindsay tells him to get out. Sookie's amazed, but Lorelai feels terrible, since she knows exactly what's happening. Sookie uncharacteristically chimes, "Well, that's what happens when you get married too young!" Really? Shut up, Sookie. Lorelai says that must be what happened. "Juicy," Sookie smiles as Lindsay cries that there was a lot CuteDean could have done (presumably to prevent this from happening), and that he didn't. Sookie giggles and says she normally only gets to hear about these things, but never gets to see them. Maybe if Taylor had these lines they'd make sense, or maybe even Miss Patty, but coming from Sookie, it's all wrong. CuteDean is begging Lindsay for something to do to fix this. Lindsay screams that it's too late. Lorelai pulls Sookie away from the carnage. One more time, as we fade to black, we hear Lindsay shout, "I hate you, Dean!"
Lorelai's kitchen. Sookie's on the phone with someone, telling him how to prepare a meal. In close-up, the dress isn't as ugly, but that's mostly because Melissa McCarthy is so darn pretty. Rory comes home to the most unenthusiastic "Kitchen!" shout from Lorelai. These girls have celebrated Rory coming home from the store with more zeal. Rory runs in (love the shirt; love the cardigan), and hugs Lorelai, saying she missed her. Sookie and Rory hug without too much emotion. Emily arrives, and Lorelai tries to hug her, too. Emily tells her not to, since she smells like airplane. ["Ah, but she flew First Class. She probably smells like a meadow." -- Wing Chun] Rory mentions that she should go get her bags, but once again Emily tells her granddaughter that they hire people for such lugging purposes. Emily says that Rory will fill Sookie and Lorelai in on their trip, but that the European men, young or old, were quite doting: "We were like magnets. Such high libidos." Lorelai asks if Emily was wearing her "Hot and Wealthy" sandwich board in public. Rory: "She was very popular." Rory tries to hug Emily goodbye, but the airplane thing stops them again. Rory says she can take it, and hugs her grandmother. There's an awkward chuckle as the three women walk over to the kitchen table to begin the of dialogue. Instead of talking about Europe, true to form, Lorelai begins talking about herself. Sookie goes on and on about how great the inn is doing, that they're booked to 90% capacity every night (might want to get that up), and that they're having to turn people away at the restaurant. She then gives Rory the skinny on the huge public fight CuteDean and Lindsay had. Lorelai tries to get Sookie to shut up, but the damage has been done. Another strangely uncharacteristic move on Sookie's part, to gloat to Rory that her ex-boyfriend's having issues with his wife. Rory's pouting, so Lorelai tells Sookie that she should probably go so Rory can eat something. Sookie leaves, clueless. Rory and Lorelai follow, presumably on their way to Luke's.
Lorelai waits until they're by the town gazebo to tell Rory that Lindsay was really in bad shape when she was yelling at CuteDean. She says that the fight was very violent and public. Rory says this wasn't supposed to happen. Right on cue, Lindsay and her mother run into Lorelai and Rory right in front of the gazebo. "You!" MamaLindsay shouts. "You should be ashamed of yourself, what you did!" Rory looks at the ground, as does Lindsay. Lorelai tells MamaLindsay to wait. But MamaLindsay's going off, asking Rory how exactly Lindsay ever hurt her, or deserved this. (MamaLindsay's name is Theresa.) Lorelai asks her to calm down. Theresa will not calm down, and says that Lindsay came home and found Rory's "heinous" letter in CuteDean's jacket pocket. Dude, CuteDean is not so smart, or he wanted Lindsay to find the letter. I'm guessing it's more of the latter. "You little monster!" Theresa points at Rory. "Hey!" Lorelai shouts. "Pull back, lady!" Theresa reminds Rory that there are "hundreds" of other boys in the world, and that there's no reason for Rory to go after Lindsay's husband. Lorelai tells Theresa to stop attacking her daughter. Theresa: "She slept with my son-in-law. She broke up a marriage!" Rory and Lindsay make quiet, pouty eye-contact. Pull her hair, Lindsay! Slap her! Say something. Do something. Grab a bat. Lorelai says that Rory didn't break up a marriage, and somehow she knows this because she knows Rory. Uh, anyway, Rory totally broke up a marriage because now CuteDean doesn't live with his wife, and has to live with his parents, and Lindsay has lost her husband, and is devastated. So, add that to what you know, Lorelai. Theresa tells Lorelai that lives have been destroyed by this, so Lorelai and her daughter can go to hell. Give Theresa an award for being the first person to ever stand up to a Gilmore. Through it all, a woman sitting in the gazebo never stopped reading her book. Must be a good book. Lorelai asks Rory what was in the letter. Rory pulls her hand away from her mouth long enough to say she told CuteDean that they had a very special night, and that she's not sorry it happened, but that he's married, so he has to figure out his life. She offered to make it easier for him by taking herself out of "the mix." Lorelai tells her daughter that it was a "very good letter." Well, I guess a better letter would be to say, "Sorry I dicked you around for two years fawning over a short kid in a leather jacket, because otherwise we might still be together and in love and you wouldn't be married." Lorelai pulls her shunned daughter away from the public, dangerous streets of Stars Hollow.
Lorelai's trying to give Rory a food-related pep talk as they walk into Luke's, offering to buy her daughter anything she wants to eat. Rory wants a root beer. Luke says it's on the house, so she should go crazy. "Luke!" Lorelai says, shocked to see him, surprised he's been in town without saying hello, a little confused that he's acting like she's just Lorelai and he's just Luke when they're now Luke-Luke and Lorelai-Lorelai. He asks Rory if she's okay, since she looks a little pale. "You know, pale's the new tan," Lorelai says. She punches Luke in the arm, happy he's back. She punches him again for being gone for seven weeks. Luke suddenly remembers that he needs some wink-winkers, so he leaves for the pharmacy. He yells to Lane that he's leaving. Lane runs over and hugs Rory, happy she's back. Lane sits and asks Rory for help on her quandary. Lorelai suddenly remembers, without a shred of subtlety, that she's also in some need of some wink-winkers, and possibly a few nudge-nudgies. She runs off. Lane asks Rory if she's in love with mfTL. Lane says that a "dirty trollop" suggested it, and that dirty trollops are generally reliable. Rory stops listening to her friend after those two words, because she realizes that she's now a dirty trollop, and that's how people will refer to her when she's not around. "Oh, Rory? The skeezy whore who goes to Yale? What's that skank want?" Lane doesn't know if the dirty trollop was looking at Lane in a way that hints Lane likes mfTL, or if she was hitting on her. Rory has no thoughts, other than that she might not get to have dirty trollop sex with CuteDean anymore.
Luke waits by a tree. Lorelai soon meets him. He really did go to the pharmacy, because he wanted to keep up the pretense, so he bought whatever. It's a pack of cigarettes. Luke holds up the necklace, causing Lorelai to go back to being the stilted, brain damaged girly-girl she was when he gave her the earrings. Luke says that they match the earrings, which Lorelai's wearing right now. She thanks him and says they're a perfect match. They lean in to kiss and then...suddenly...it's the parade! Oh, comedy! Here it comes, marching through, celebrating...cider. Dancing apples and scary clowns. Huzzah! Michel's leading the Fake Kids through the parade. "This band," he says. "So subtle. Like a polo mallet hitting your head." The Fake Kids yell "come on!" for the nine hundredth time, and Michel growls at Fake Kid not to pull him. "This town," Luke says. "This is our town. It is so glamorous," Lorelai finishes. Hey, you know another lyric in that song? "We're all dreamers -- we're all whores." Maybe Rory can say that week. Lorelai and Luke agree to "hook up later." Luke moves pretty fast. Lorelai says she loves the necklace. Luke leaves. Lorelai bumps into a man standing right behind her holding a giant bundle of red balloons. He lets go of the balloons and they blow away. Lorelai offers to pay him for them, but then remembers that she doesn't have any cash, so she invites him to the Dragonfly for some food. She hands him a pack of cigarettes.
Rory has decided not to wait around for her mother, and...I don't know, does this mean Rory knows about Lorelai and Luke? Because I would have liked to have seen that damn scene. Rory knocks on CuteDean's parents' front door. CuteDean answers. "Hi," Rory says, not acknowledging his awesome haircut. CuteDean shuts the door behind him in silence. CuteDean must have picked up all his clothes from the lawn and shoved them in a box, because he's wearing an incredibly wrinkled t-shirt. Rory says she didn't know how to reach him, because she didn't want to call because this town doesn't understand phones. She asks him if he's okay. Hey, you guys might want some damn privacy. Anyway, CuteDean snorts and asks if she's seriously asking if he's okay. She asks how he feels. CuteDean laughs, and Rory apologizes for asking a stupid question. CuteDean says he feels like an idiot. He was married and he threw it away "for someone who dumped [him] once, and then just bailed." Rory says she didn't bail. CuteDean: "I hurt everybody. I hurt Lindsay, I hurt her parents, I hurt my parents. And now I'm back at home when you're in Europe with your grandmother. And what was I thinking? I mean, what am I doing? What's wrong with me?" CuteDean says he has to get ready for work. He walks into his house. Rory stands there, speechless. She looks up to see the bundle of red balloons floating overhead in a rather anvilicious, heavy-handed moment.
Back at home, Lorelai is telling Rory the story of Haybale Bill and his own marital indiscretions. Rory eats potato chips while Lorelai fetches steak sauce for the pizza. Lorelai sits over the table filled with food and asks Rory if she thinks Annie the grog girl made a pass at Luke. She's sure he rebuffed her, but she still hopes nobody messed with her man. Rory's probably not the best person to ask for this kind of advice. Lorelai threatens to "joust the little slut," and Rory's hackles go up at the mention of the "S" word. And also, I guess Rory knows about Luke and Lorelai. Too bad we didn't get to see this pivotal moment of their relationship, toward which the entire show has been heading for five years. I mean, whatever. Lorelai tries to get Rory to talk, but Rory changes the subject. Lorelai asks if they can watch Showgirls again, now that she has the deluxe edition with shot glasses. We got that too (thanks, Djb), and threw a viewing party complete with party favors and trivia. Rory says she has video of her trip with Emily. Rory turns on the television and it's A Room With a View. It does bear a striking resemblance to Emily and Rory in Rome. "Yeah, she gets very British when she's abroad," Lorelai notes. Lorelai puts her arm around her daughter as we fade to black.