Lorelai comes downstairs complaining about how cold it is in the house. As a recapper currently wearing a shirt, a sweater, and a blanket, I raise my mug of coffee in solidarity. Lorelai wraps herself in her own blanket and talks to the lump of blankets on the couch, referring to it as Rory. Lorelai putters off to the kitchen to make coffee while rambling on about the Eskimos -- how they have to eat "whales and polar bears and penguins and Santa Claus." Lorelai dances back into the room, announcing that the Pop-Tarts are "Pop-Tarting," and threatens to sit on the mound of blankets on the couch if it doesn't wake up. But then Rory enters the room. These girls are amazingly calm in realizing that someone's in their house who isn't either of themselves. Rory wonders if the stranger sleeping in their house is Robert Downey Jr. The mystery is quickly solved: it's Lane. She is quite the heavy sleeper. "She must have followed me home from Yale," says Rory. And it's official. Rory doesn't know the difference between a best friend and a dog. Lane is her pet. Lorelai tells Rory that it's cold in the house because she broke a window the night before, trying to lock it. I'll bet she normally never locks that window, but as long as Jess is in Stars Hollow, she's locking everything that leads to her daughter.
Rory and Lorelai walk into the kitchen. Lorelai has left a message for Luke to come fix her window. Rory tells her to call a "window-fixing guy." Lorelai gives Rory a lengthy speech about how Luke never wants Lorelai to waste money doing things that can be done for free, like going to the ATM for money instead of getting it at the bank, or buying tickets at Ticketmaster. Seriously, is there any other way to buy tickets than Ticketmaster? Because if there's another way to buy them, I'll totally go wait in that line. But I think if I want to see Radiohead, unless I feel like living by the radio speaker waiting to be the hundredth caller, I'm going to have to pay thirty-five dollars in service fees. Lorelai sets up two chairs by the stove, opens the oven door, and turns on the gas. Well, consider both Luke and me completely outraged at that waste of money. Lorelai asks Rory what she's thinking about. "Nothing," Rory says. "'Nothing' wouldn't happen to wear a leather jacket and be able to pull off an extremely convincing 'Adrienne!,' would it?" Rory wonders if Jess froze to death. Lorelai says he probably didn't, because he wasn't sleeping in their house, and Luke probably "took care of it." Lane wanders in and asks if somebody sat on her, because her hip hurts. Lorelai tells her it must be old age setting in. Lane wanders away again. After a pause, Lorelai looks into her oven and wonders if perhaps Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, but merely cold. I'm not so sure she was crazy. Perhaps she was sad. Maybe she didn't want to sit through another Jess episode.
“ Just what Stars Hollow needs: Rory wannabes. No teen boy will ever get laid again in that town. ”
I was going to comment in last week's recap that there seem to be way more cars in Stars Hollow than ever before. And now here's Luke in a traffic jam on the main street. The normally sunny Stars Hollowers are now honking, grumbling, fist-shaking fusspots. Luke parks in the one parking spot there is and heads to the front of the traffic line to see what all the fuss is about. The fuss is Jess, of course, because his car has broken down and he's having a few guys push it down the street. Kirk is in front of the car on his annoying Nextel walkie-talkie phone, working on setting up decorations for the Firelight Festival, arguing with the person on the other end of the walkie-talkie when one says "Roger" -- whether you say it when you're done talking or when you're done listening. Kirk wants to be the one to say "Roger," even when he's not supposed to. Jess threatens to run Kirk over with his crap car if Kirk doesn't get out of the way. Kirk knows that's the right time to say "Roger." I still think Jess should give this car to Rory, even though she has a much nicer one of her own now. Luke runs up to the car and asks Jess why a marching band isn't behind him. Jess tells him to go away. Jess says he has to get his car to Gypsy's so that she can fix it and he can leave. In a move that goes completely against the last scene, Luke offers to pay for a tow truck to move Jess's car about one full block in order to end this "embarrassing" traffic jam. Gypsy is waiting fifty yards away for the car. Even Kirk offers to toss in some money to, what? Stop the car in the middle of the street there and wait for the tow truck to come, hitch up the car, and pull it the rest of the way? Not only is pushing the car cheaper, it's probably the fastest way to end this situation. Sorry. I don't know why I started this pointless diatribe. Plot device. Need to see how Luke wants to help even when people don't want to be helped. Got it. Digested. Moving on.
Gypsy checks Jess's car. She tells him he needs a new carburetor. Huh. That's the first time I've ever typed that word. Jess says he absolutely has to have the car fixed today so that he can leave this "half-mile, four-block, freakhole medical experiment." Gypsy looks at Jess and tells him, "You are delightful." Gypsy says she'll have him out of there that night, and that he should come back at closing. She tells him to bring a lot of money because she's going to overcharge him like he's never been overcharged before. Jess turns around to see the back of a girl with long hair and brown pants talking to a boy. Jess stares. Gypsy tells him it's "not her." Jess pretends not to know whom she's referring to. "She cut her hair," Gypsy tells him. Because that's what women do when men leave. They cut off all their hair. Jess tells Gypsy he doesn't know what she's talking about. Gypsy: "Okay. My mistake." Jess turns to see the Rory impostor walking away with the Luke impostor. Just what Stars Hollow needs: Rory wannabes. No teen boy will ever get laid again in that town.
“ Rory tells Lorelai that she's circled some window repairmen's numbers in the phone book. Stars Hollow has a Yellow Pages? Isn't it Kirk's name seventeen times on every page? ”
Lorelai and Lane are fastening Saran Wrap to the broken window, using Barbie Band-Aids as an adhesive. Lorelai asks how it looks. "Festive and femme!" says Lane. "Maybe it needs another layer," she suggests. Lorelai: "Yes. Of glass." Lane kicks off our scarf count: one. Also: that scarf is probably hand-made, because I just made exactly the same scarf for my sister in blues instead of oranges. It's a pattern you can buy at Michael's. The scarf slips into itself. I skipped that part for my sister, because I was pretty sure she'd hate the "insert scarf in hole" thing, and just made it into your normal scarf, but I recognize that weird, difficult-to-work-with yarn anywhere. I don't recommend making or wearing Scarf #1. I just now noticed that Lorelai and Lane are also each wearing scarves: Three. (I just backed up and checked from the beginning. Luke and Kirk wore scarves: Five.) I like Lorelai's stripey scarf. Rory tells Lorelai that she's circled some window repairmen's numbers in the phone book. Stars Hollow has a Yellow Pages? Isn't it Kirk's name seventeen times on every page? Lorelai says she doesn't want to hurt Luke's feelings by having someone else fix the window. She where Rory is off to. Rory is going to take a walk, get a danish, hit the bookstore, and be home for lunch. Catch ya later, Lane. Rory leaves. Lorelai -- who has somehow become the better friend -- asks Lane if she needs anything while Lorelai's out running errands today. Lorelai says she'll be walking past Elm Street. Lane says that's a good street. She asks Lorelai if her mother has said anything to her. Lorelai says MamaLane hasn't, but that she wants to. Lorelai can tell. Lorelai hopes that maybe tomorrow Lane will be ready.
Lorelai goes to answer her phone. "It's a complete disaster!" Emily shouts. "My existence?" Lorelai asks. Emily cribs a t-shirt for us: "Not everything is about you, Lorelai." Emily is freaking out, because she's four people short for the rare manuscript acquisition dinner, and buying a table without filling it is second only to...apparently nothing, in terms of humiliating disasters. Emily tells Lorelai that she has to bring somebody with her tonight, even on this short notice, so that Emily's reputation isn't ruined forever. Emily says she'll see Lorelai at 6 sharp: "And don't wear those pantyhose with the seams up the back. You look like ten cents a dance." She hangs up and calls for Richard to bring her a gimlet.
Luke's. Liz has brought an earring tree to the diner, and has her jewelry on display at the counter. Kirk and Miss Patty enter the diner. Kirk's planning the festival; Patty is ignoring Kirk. When he calls her on it, she confesses that she's been ignoring him since he was old enough to walk. Liz puts earrings on some floozy and asks if there's too much turquoise. The floozy announces that turquoise is timeless. Take that, diamonds. Liz introduces the floozy to Luke as her friend Carrie, the crazy one who made out with Luke at homecoming. Luke says hello. Carrie calls him Butch, and says it's nice to see him. She then asks, awkwardly, if he's been under any bleachers lately. You know who I don't understand? People who think that high school was the best time in their lives -- the ones who bring up, like, three events that happened when they were seventeen and go on and on about how it was the best time ever. I guess it's not that I don't understand them; they just make me sad. Luke asks about the earring tree. Liz explains that these are the earrings she's made, and she figured she could just sell them at the diner. There is an argument about whether people who are eating would also like to browse for earrings. It goes on until they're interrupted by Miss Patty and Kirk, who love, love, love the earrings and begin arguing over who gets which pair. Kirk walkie-talkies a friend to find out if Kirk's girlfriend has pierced ears, asking him if he's ever noticed Lulu's lobes. You know what's weird? Behind them is the window for Taylor's soda shoppe, which we can see into, but then right to it is a door that leads to either the bathroom or the supply closet or both. Taylor's shop must be really small. (And hey, all those of you who were complaining about too much Taylor at the beginning of the season, I guess you got your wish, huh? I can't even remember the last time we saw him grumping around.) Luke tells Miss Patty she doesn't have to be nice just because Liz made them (Kirk calls them "phat," -- the closed-captioning spells the word correctly) and then accuses Liz of making shoddy stuff that's just going to fall apart or infect people's ears. Unflappable, Liz smiles and says she can make the earrings to order, and begins taking requests. There is an off-camera shouting of badly improvised lines, like, "I want these in fuchsia pink; I want these in purple!" Scarves: Seven.
“ Scarf count: I'm gonna have to just give up now. ”
Fancy speech at fancyness. The man thanks everyone for supporting the rare manuscript acquisition whatever: "Because without it, we would be stuck brooding around Nag Hammadi." (See episode title, and then see internet.) Everybody politely laughs. Lorelai tells Rory she doesn't get the joke. Rory doesn't either. "You go to Yale," she tells Rory. "Well, I skipped Rare Manuscript Humor 101." Lorelai asks Digger what the joke meant. Digger confesses that he was just laughing because everyone else was, and assumes that not a single person in the room got the joke. Lorelai calls everybody a bunch of poseurs. Digger quietly asks Lorelai how far they can push this thing -- dancing, a stroll on the terrace, making out in the coat-check room? Richard heads out to find Ferimen. Emily stands to stay hello to some woman. Lorelai asks how much longer she has to pretend to like Digger. Emily tells Lorelai that they're stuck together all night long. Lorelai tells Digger she just secured the coat-check room. She tells her daughter that she's off to make out: "Don't eat the chicken."
An older man comes up to Digger and starts chatting politely. Digger asks him about business. Business is fine. The man asks Digger about his golf game. Digger says it's no match to the man's. "Good to see you again," the man says, and leaves. Digger sits back down and tells Lorelai that was his father. Lorelai: "And you two have met before?" Digger says that was downright warm for them, and that his dad's asking about his golf game was a little more touchy-feely than he's comfortable with. Lorelai can't believe there's someone she can put Emily up to and think "warm." Richard walks over and says he just heard that Digger's father was in the room. Lorelai can't believe how fast word travels around there. Emily, too, just heard the news and comes running over. Richard thinks Digger's father must have something up his sleeve if he's there, particularly if he didn't ask Digger anything about business. He wants to leave to strategize immediately. Digger and Lorelai have dirty plans, so they try to rationalize things. Emily tells Lorelai to stay out of it, and Richard tells Digger he's been in this business too long and knows when something is afoot. Digger and Richard leave. Emily tells Lorelai that nobody was buying them as a couple anyway.
Firelight festival. The Troubadour sings with a band. Scarf count: I'm gonna have to just give up now. Crazy Carrie has brought over her two friends: Anna and Jill. Three Little Whores From School are we/ Pert as a floozy tramp can be./ Filled to the brim with stuff nasty/ Three Little Whores From School! They are tipsy from the reunion. Luke advises them to take some aspirin and drink plenty of water. Carrie says she told her friends that he doesn't remember "tha' night." Luke rudely tells the girl that he has no recollection of ever making out with her. Anna and Jill remember the night, though, and tell Luke that the entire reunion was talking about it. Apparently, all the girls had crushes on Butch Danes back in the day: "So serious. So intense." Carrie finishes: "So hot in those tiny, little shorts." Luke excuses himself to go find his sister. Carrie offers to "help him look," an old tramp trick to get him into bed. The girls flirt that there's always room for a foursome. Luke says, "So, twenty years later and none of you girls are married?" Carrie says they're all married. Cue Liz. Luke turns to leave, but Carrie pulls down one side of her dress and tells him that they're all going to the Styx/Journey/REO Speedwagon concert, and that they've got an extra ticket. Luke says that if it were just Styx and REO Speedwagon, he'd be in. But Journey "freaks [him] out."
“ Liz laughs and apologizes for Jess. Face us when you say that, Liz. We'd like an apology, too. ”
T.J. is bragging to Miss Patty and her two boy toys that there was a line a mile long for Liz's earrings that day. Isn't that bizarre, the bonfire, and how it looks completely fake behind them? Why even bother with a bonfire? Oh. I'll bet it's because it's the "Firelight Festival." T.J. tells Miss Patty that they're headed to Minnesota month for their big Ren Faire, and that this time they're going to use the booth he made for Liz. According to Liz, it's "the greatest booth." What makes a booth great? Three sides? T.J. says you need a great booth, since the earrings are so small: "But a booth, and a nice sign." He was on 21 Jump Street! In 1993. This man can't be as old as the character he's playing, or as old as he looks. Maybe it's just his hair. In the firelight, he's looking a bit younger. Luke walks up and barely displays any emotion when he tells his sister he heard she was leaving after the festival. In fact, he doesn't even bother to finish a sentence. They walk off together to chat.
Liz tells Luke this festival hasn't changed since they were kids. Luke says it's the same festival their mom took them to. Liz says it's the same festival their dad took them to after their mom died. "He hated it worse than we did," Luke says. "He only took us 'cause Mom liked it." Liz reminisces about the first time she threw up from the festival's Founder's Day Punch. "That's a nice story," Luke says. Liz laughs and apologizes for Jess. Face us when you say that, Liz. We'd like an apology, too. She apologizes for not telling Luke that they'd been in touch. They'd been talking for the past six months and he'd asked Liz not to tell Luke they'd talked. That makes it even worse! Luke says it's okay. Liz says that she has a feeling about Jess, and that she thinks he's going to be okay: "He's kind of like Dad, don't you think?" Luke doesn't know, but Liz is sure. She thanks him for everything he did. Luke says he at least tried. Liz says that sometimes things take a while to sink in. I swear to God, the second I started thinking, "This scene is getting boring," Liz apologizes for being so boring. We find out that T.J.'s real name is Gary. Luke says that he heard Gary talking back there, and that it sounds like things are going well. Liz says they're really good. She then hands Luke a pair of earrings she made last night: "You can give them to your wife. Or Lorelai. Whoever." Luke guffaws a bit on Lorelai's name. Hey, Liz, don't you want to meet Luke's wife? Liz asks Luke to tell Gary she went back to get her things. They hug. Liz leaves.
Lorelai and Rory have just shown up to the festival. Lorelai is complaining that they were stuck with the rolling pins all night. Rory is complaining that they weren't adequately fed. They divvy up the kiosks and head in two different directions to buy food.
“ Luke says it's a long story he'll tell her later, but the teaser is that the word 'Etch-A- Sketch' is in it. If it was an official WB teaser, Lorelai would find out that the Etch-A- Sketch is only in it at the very beginning, and that it's actually a Hungry Hungry Hippos, and that it had nothing to do with the story. ”
It's weird when T.J. sees Luke because he says, "Hey, you're here!" but he already saw him two scenes ago. Luke tells T.J. that Liz is getting her stuff. He then tells T.J. he heard that things are going well for Liz, which he says is different for her, and a nice change. He also heard that Liz and Gary were thinking about moving to Stars Hollow, and he wanted T.J. to know it's okay by him. T.J. says, "Okay. I didn't realize we needed your permission." Luke laughs and says he was just trying to say that he assumed, from Liz's history with guys, that T.J. would be like the others. "Well," Luke muses, "you seem like a pretty good guy." T.J. goes, "Thanks." And then: "You're a dick." Awesome. Season four is d.i.r.t.y. T.J. leaves as Luke nods into space. Lorelai says she only heard the tail end of that conversation, but assumes Luke hasn't changed his name to Richard recently. Luke says it's a long story he'll tell her later, but the teaser is that the word "Etch-A-Sketch" is in it. If it was an official WB teaser, Lorelai would find out that the Etch-A-Sketch is only in it at the very beginning, and that it's actually a Hungry Hungry Hippos, and that it had nothing to do with the story. Case in point: Luke says, "You're all dressed up." Lorelai smiles. "Just for you." Thanks for using that in every promo, WB. Lorelai asks if Jess left yet. Luke says he stopped by Gypsy's earlier, and that she was just about done then, so probably. "No goodbyes," Lorelai says. Luke tells Lorelai that Liz has a feeling that Jess is going to be fine. "He could be," says Lorelai. Luke hands Lorelai the earrings, all, "Oh, hey. Here." Lorelai gives a line-reading here that really only works because it's her and because I just like the character, but she sort of gasps and wonders why Luke is giving her a gift and doesn't want to ruin anything, so she just holds them out and says, "Pretty." But, you know, it's the same thing Lorelai would have said if her character were retarded, so I'm going to just stay with the sweet, romance-y emotions this Valentine's week recap and pretend Lorelai didn't pretty much go, "Shiny! Shiny! Yay! Yay!" Luke tells Lorelai that Liz made these and asked him to give them to Lorelai. Lorelai is a little disappointed. They turn to bask in the glow of the fake fire.
Jess hands Gypsy a wad of cash. She thanks him, adding, "Do not come again." Jess gets in his car and pulls down the visor. Out falls an envelope filled with cash. He sighs and gets out of his car, presumably to return the cash to its owner. But instead he bumps into Rory, who stares only momentarily before shouting, "I get to leave first!" She then runs, and Jess follows her, calling her name. Rory does a very silly, all crazy-legged run in a serpentine worthy of The In-Laws (the original), telling Jess that this is her town and therefore she gets to be the one to walk away and be mad. She even ducks at one point, from nothing. Jess says they look like idiots. Rory doesn't care. She tells him to go away and leave her alone. He asks her to stop so that he can talk to her. When she finally stops running, he asks her where she learned to run like that. Rory says she thought of this moment a lot. What would Jess say to her if he ever turned up? He never called or left a note or anything: "How could he explain that and then a year goes by, no word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right?" She says she's imagined a hundred different scenarios with a hundred different lines, so now she's a little curious as to how this is going to go down. Jess asks if they could sit down. Rory says, "No. You wanted to talk. So talk. What do you have to say to me?" And so then he just says it: "I love you." And Rory is speechless. So the strummy-strummy-la-la girl sing to drown out our screams of, "NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! WHYYYYY? NOOOOOO! DAAAAAMMMIIT!" And Jess, true to form, gets in his car and drives away. That boy really knows how to treat a lady. Rory stands, alone again, at the Firelight Festival, having learned something she can do absolutely nothing about.
I'm going back to finish the scarf count. Where were we? Twelve. Okay. First scene at Firelight Festival: Twenty-three. Scene with Liz: T.J. actually puts a scarf around Liz's neck. By the end of the scene: thirty-seven. Lorelai and Rory are hungry: thirty-nine. Luke and Lorelai.: one set of earmuffs. It's easier to watch the Jess scenes when you're counting scarves. Final total: Forty-three.
week: an episode they should have titled "We Love You, Pamie."