Lorelai comes downstairs complaining about how cold it is in the house. As a recapper currently wearing a shirt, a sweater, and a blanket, I raise my mug of coffee in solidarity. Lorelai wraps herself in her own blanket and talks to the lump of blankets on the couch, referring to it as Rory. Lorelai putters off to the kitchen to make coffee while rambling on about the Eskimos -- how they have to eat "whales and polar bears and penguins and Santa Claus." Lorelai dances back into the room, announcing that the Pop-Tarts are "Pop-Tarting," and threatens to sit on the mound of blankets on the couch if it doesn't wake up. But then Rory enters the room. These girls are amazingly calm in realizing that someone's in their house who isn't either of themselves. Rory wonders if the stranger sleeping in their house is Robert Downey Jr. The mystery is quickly solved: it's Lane. She is quite the heavy sleeper. "She must have followed me home from Yale," says Rory. And it's official. Rory doesn't know the difference between a best friend and a dog. Lane is her pet. Lorelai tells Rory that it's cold in the house because she broke a window the night before, trying to lock it. I'll bet she normally never locks that window, but as long as Jess is in Stars Hollow, she's locking everything that leads to her daughter.
Rory and Lorelai walk into the kitchen. Lorelai has left a message for Luke to come fix her window. Rory tells her to call a "window-fixing guy." Lorelai gives Rory a lengthy speech about how Luke never wants Lorelai to waste money doing things that can be done for free, like going to the ATM for money instead of getting it at the bank, or buying tickets at Ticketmaster. Seriously, is there any other way to buy tickets than Ticketmaster? Because if there's another way to buy them, I'll totally go wait in that line. But I think if I want to see Radiohead, unless I feel like living by the radio speaker waiting to be the hundredth caller, I'm going to have to pay thirty-five dollars in service fees. Lorelai sets up two chairs by the stove, opens the oven door, and turns on the gas. Well, consider both Luke and me completely outraged at that waste of money. Lorelai asks Rory what she's thinking about. "Nothing," Rory says. "'Nothing' wouldn't happen to wear a leather jacket and be able to pull off an extremely convincing 'Adrienne!,' would it?" Rory wonders if Jess froze to death. Lorelai says he probably didn't, because he wasn't sleeping in their house, and Luke probably "took care of it." Lane wanders in and asks if somebody sat on her, because her hip hurts. Lorelai tells her it must be old age setting in. Lane wanders away again. After a pause, Lorelai looks into her oven and wonders if perhaps Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy, but merely cold. I'm not so sure she was crazy. Perhaps she was sad. Maybe she didn't want to sit through another Jess episode.
I was going to comment in last week's recap that there seem to be way more cars in Stars Hollow than ever before. And now here's Luke in a traffic jam on the main street. The normally sunny Stars Hollowers are now honking, grumbling, fist-shaking fusspots. Luke parks in the one parking spot there is and heads to the front of the traffic line to see what all the fuss is about. The fuss is Jess, of course, because his car has broken down and he's having a few guys push it down the street. Kirk is in front of the car on his annoying Nextel walkie-talkie phone, working on setting up decorations for the Firelight Festival, arguing with the person on the other end of the walkie-talkie when one says "Roger" -- whether you say it when you're done talking or when you're done listening. Kirk wants to be the one to say "Roger," even when he's not supposed to. Jess threatens to run Kirk over with his crap car if Kirk doesn't get out of the way. Kirk knows that's the right time to say "Roger." I still think Jess should give this car to Rory, even though she has a much nicer one of her own now. Luke runs up to the car and asks Jess why a marching band isn't behind him. Jess tells him to go away. Jess says he has to get his car to Gypsy's so that she can fix it and he can leave. In a move that goes completely against the last scene, Luke offers to pay for a tow truck to move Jess's car about one full block in order to end this "embarrassing" traffic jam. Gypsy is waiting fifty yards away for the car. Even Kirk offers to toss in some money to, what? Stop the car in the middle of the street there and wait for the tow truck to come, hitch up the car, and pull it the rest of the way? Not only is pushing the car cheaper, it's probably the fastest way to end this situation. Sorry. I don't know why I started this pointless diatribe. Plot device. Need to see how Luke wants to help even when people don't want to be helped. Got it. Digested. Moving on.
Gypsy checks Jess's car. She tells him he needs a new carburetor. Huh. That's the first time I've ever typed that word. Jess says he absolutely has to have the car fixed today so that he can leave this "half-mile, four-block, freakhole medical experiment." Gypsy looks at Jess and tells him, "You are delightful." Gypsy says she'll have him out of there that night, and that he should come back at closing. She tells him to bring a lot of money because she's going to overcharge him like he's never been overcharged before. Jess turns around to see the back of a girl with long hair and brown pants talking to a boy. Jess stares. Gypsy tells him it's "not her." Jess pretends not to know whom she's referring to. "She cut her hair," Gypsy tells him. Because that's what women do when men leave. They cut off all their hair. Jess tells Gypsy he doesn't know what she's talking about. Gypsy: "Okay. My mistake." Jess turns to see the Rory impostor walking away with the Luke impostor. Just what Stars Hollow needs: Rory wannabes. No teen boy will ever get laid again in that town.
Lorelai and Lane are fastening Saran Wrap to the broken window, using Barbie Band-Aids as an adhesive. Lorelai asks how it looks. "Festive and femme!" says Lane. "Maybe it needs another layer," she suggests. Lorelai: "Yes. Of glass." Lane kicks off our scarf count: one. Also: that scarf is probably hand-made, because I just made exactly the same scarf for my sister in blues instead of oranges. It's a pattern you can buy at Michael's. The scarf slips into itself. I skipped that part for my sister, because I was pretty sure she'd hate the "insert scarf in hole" thing, and just made it into your normal scarf, but I recognize that weird, difficult-to-work-with yarn anywhere. I don't recommend making or wearing Scarf #1. I just now noticed that Lorelai and Lane are also each wearing scarves: Three. (I just backed up and checked from the beginning. Luke and Kirk wore scarves: Five.) I like Lorelai's stripey scarf. Rory tells Lorelai that she's circled some window repairmen's numbers in the phone book. Stars Hollow has a Yellow Pages? Isn't it Kirk's name seventeen times on every page? Lorelai says she doesn't want to hurt Luke's feelings by having someone else fix the window. She where Rory is off to. Rory is going to take a walk, get a danish, hit the bookstore, and be home for lunch. Catch ya later, Lane. Rory leaves. Lorelai -- who has somehow become the better friend -- asks Lane if she needs anything while Lorelai's out running errands today. Lorelai says she'll be walking past Elm Street. Lane says that's a good street. She asks Lorelai if her mother has said anything to her. Lorelai says MamaLane hasn't, but that she wants to. Lorelai can tell. Lorelai hopes that maybe tomorrow Lane will be ready.
Lorelai goes to answer her phone. "It's a complete disaster!" Emily shouts. "My existence?" Lorelai asks. Emily cribs a t-shirt for us: "Not everything is about you, Lorelai." Emily is freaking out, because she's four people short for the rare manuscript acquisition dinner, and buying a table without filling it is second only to...apparently nothing, in terms of humiliating disasters. Emily tells Lorelai that she has to bring somebody with her tonight, even on this short notice, so that Emily's reputation isn't ruined forever. Emily says she'll see Lorelai at 6 sharp: "And don't wear those pantyhose with the seams up the back. You look like ten cents a dance." She hangs up and calls for Richard to bring her a gimlet.
Luke's. Liz has brought an earring tree to the diner, and has her jewelry on display at the counter. Kirk and Miss Patty enter the diner. Kirk's planning the festival; Patty is ignoring Kirk. When he calls her on it, she confesses that she's been ignoring him since he was old enough to walk. Liz puts earrings on some floozy and asks if there's too much turquoise. The floozy announces that turquoise is timeless. Take that, diamonds. Liz introduces the floozy to Luke as her friend Carrie, the crazy one who made out with Luke at homecoming. Luke says hello. Carrie calls him Butch, and says it's nice to see him. She then asks, awkwardly, if he's been under any bleachers lately. You know who I don't understand? People who think that high school was the best time in their lives -- the ones who bring up, like, three events that happened when they were seventeen and go on and on about how it was the best time ever. I guess it's not that I don't understand them; they just make me sad. Luke asks about the earring tree. Liz explains that these are the earrings she's made, and she figured she could just sell them at the diner. There is an argument about whether people who are eating would also like to browse for earrings. It goes on until they're interrupted by Miss Patty and Kirk, who love, love, love the earrings and begin arguing over who gets which pair. Kirk walkie-talkies a friend to find out if Kirk's girlfriend has pierced ears, asking him if he's ever noticed Lulu's lobes. You know what's weird? Behind them is the window for Taylor's soda shoppe, which we can see into, but then right to it is a door that leads to either the bathroom or the supply closet or both. Taylor's shop must be really small. (And hey, all those of you who were complaining about too much Taylor at the beginning of the season, I guess you got your wish, huh? I can't even remember the last time we saw him grumping around.) Luke tells Miss Patty she doesn't have to be nice just because Liz made them (Kirk calls them "phat," -- the closed-captioning spells the word correctly) and then accuses Liz of making shoddy stuff that's just going to fall apart or infect people's ears. Unflappable, Liz smiles and says she can make the earrings to order, and begins taking requests. There is an off-camera shouting of badly improvised lines, like, "I want these in fuchsia pink; I want these in purple!" Scarves: Seven.
Rory enters the bakery and orders a large coffee and a cherry danish. Scarves: Nine. Rory bumps into Jess. Hoodlums: One. Jess is sitting at a table reading. He sees Rory. She sees him. They stare at each other. Jess stands. "I'm leaving," he says, and then he does. Best scene ever.
Out by the gazebo, Kirk does some funny business with Joe, the Perry Farrell-looking guy who has the crazy hair. Kirk wants to talk on his walkie-talkie, but Joe has lost his and cannot hear where Kirk is telling him to move some heavy object. Lorelai walks through this and surprisingly doesn't laugh at them. Scarves: Ten.
Lorelai spots Luke's truck and runs up to it, yelling about her broken window. But inside the truck is Liz, not Luke. When Lorelai tells her she thought Liz was Luke, Liz says she knew she should have worn some lipstick. Except that she is, and it's brown. Liz tells Lorelai that Luke knows she borrowed the truck. She introduces herself and asks if Lorelai wants to give Liz a message for Luke. Lorelai says her window is still broken, and that she needs it fixed by 5. Liz correctly assumes that Lorelai is "the wife." Lorelai says she's "the friend" and "the customer," but nothing more than that. I think that Liz is wearing a sheer scarf, but it's tucked into her jacket: Eleven. If Liz grew up in Stars Hollow, how does Lorelai know nothing about her? ["The same way she knew nothing about Luke's longtime girlfriend Rachel?" -- Wing Chun] Is this the first time she's ever been to Stars Hollow in the past nineteen years? Hold on: the scarf might be velour. Liz tells Lorelai that she looks like Luke's type, and apologizes for the mix-up. Lorelai tells Liz that Luke has told her a lot about Liz, like she's his sister and she's visiting and he's happy to see her. Liz says he didn't say that last thing. "I think he did," says Lorelai. Liz says that Luke's probably not too thrilled that she's in town, because she has a tendency to mess things up, and then he fixes it, and then she messes up again and he fixes it. She says Luke's always fixing things for her -- finding her apartments, getting her jobs, giving her money. I really can't imagine her saying all of this. I bet she wouldn't think Luke's fixing anything at all, or that she needs fixing. Wasn't she saying she was in town to tell Luke how great she's doing and how happy she is? Liz asks Lorelai if she ever met Jess. "Oh, yeah, I did," Lorelai says. Liz says that Luke tried to fix what she screwed up with her son. She wishes she'd sent Jess to Stars Hollow sooner. If she had, perhaps Rory would be pregnant by now. Liz calls Luke her hero. Lorelai admits that she's run to Luke many times: "He's definitely one of the good ones. Maybe the good one." Maybe the good one. Maybe the one. Liz says she's been thinking about moving back to Stars Hollow because she misses Luke so much. Ever notice when people film scenes where they're sitting in cars, they always put their hands on the steering wheel while they're talking? Lorelai reminds Liz to tell Luke to hurry up to her house to fix something, and Liz drives off.
Rory and Lorelai decided to warm themselves by Babette's fire. Babette warbles on about how it's a real treat to see the girls again. The cat on Lorelai's lap is dying to run away, and you can see Lauren Graham gripping that stiff-legged cat to her thigh. I wonder if she's allergic. Babette asks the girls if they're going to the Firelight Festival tonight. Lorelai says they'll be a little late, because they've got to go to Emily's charity event first. Babette tells us that Kirk got caught up in some lights and accidentally treed himself. It took a fire department and two cans of tuna to get him down. Babette says that the entire town is buzzing about Jess's return: "Stupid little pisher." Babette is amazed that he thought he could sneak out of town without anybody's finding out. She then apologizes to Rory for going on about him. Rory says she's fine. Lorelai insists that Rory is fine. Rory tells the ladies that she ran into Jess today at Weston's. "That little bastard," Babette says. Rory recounts the story of him saying he was leaving, and then leaving. Rory says it's weird, because he's the one who left town and didn't call and now he's getting up and leaving, acting like he's mad. She says that she's the one who should be angry -- that this is her town and not his, and she's the one who's supposed to storm off in a huff. Babette asks Rory if she's still stuck on Jess. Rory says she's not, but that she wasn't expecting him to come back. "He'll be gone soon," Lorelai says. Rory agrees. Babette screams that she forgot the marshmallows as if there's now a room on fire because of it, and runs off.
More screaming. Kirk is chasing two kids through town, screaming into his walkie-talkie that the Morrissey kids have stolen the bonfire again. Luke walks into his diner and ask Cesar what he burned. Instead, he finds Liz, who's helping herself to the fridge in back. She's making a dinner for her, Luke, and T.J., her "guy," who is currently upstairs alone in Luke's apartment.
T.J. is cooking some chili. He's played by Michael DeLuise, who was somehow supposed to replace Johnny Depp on 21 Jump Street post-Richard Grieco, but wasn't even memorable enough to replace Peter DeLuise...who was still on the show at the time. Consequently, most of the time T.J. is on the screen, I'm distracted with thoughts like, "No. He can't look that old and have been on Jump Street. How old is everybody from Jump Street? Oh, shit. That's right. Johnny Depp is forty. That means he's probably like, forty-three or forty-five or...oh, man. He might be almost fifty. Then how old does that make Peter DeLuise? How old does that make me? I wonder when Stee will stop teasing me for once writing fan mail to Peter DeLuise. I can't believe I said that on Beat the Geeks. I can't believe I went on Beat the Geeks. I can't believe I lost. I was so robbed. Wow, Michael DeLuise looks old." Luke is openly rude to T.J., and -- as my mother likes to say -- has a comment for everything. Liz is so happy to have both of her guys in a room together. Are they having steaks and chili for dinner/lunch? That's weird/intestinally challenged. Liz introduces T.J. to Luke. T.J. wants Luke to guess what the initials stand for. Luke doesn't want to guess, but T.J. makes him, so Luke correctly guesses it stands for "Thomas Jefferson." Liz makes Luke sit for a little while. T.J. asks Luke if he'd like a beer. Luke: "You mean one of my beers from my fridge? Sure, why not?" T.J. brings Luke a beer. Liz gets excited easily, and is already making this situation more meaningful than it is by pointing out that her two favorite guys are talking, sharing a beer, bonding.
Enter Jess. Poor Luke, having to see all of his family in one day. Jess is there to pick up "something" he forgot, and Liz freaks out about how this is fate and meant to be and she draws her men to her and some Ren Faire bullshit. She introduces Jess to T.J., who asks Jess to guess what the initials stand for. "No," Jess says. Liz and T.J. invite Jess to dinner. "There's beer," T.J. says. "My beer," Luke corrects. Jess isn't hungry. Luke really wants Jess to stay and share his discomfort, though. Jess sits. T.J. says that Stars Hollow is great, and that it reminds him of New York. "How?" Jess challenges. "Neither one is in space," Luke answers for him. T.J. says that there's a similar energy. Liz agrees. T.J. tells Luke he saw their old house, which is confusing because last episode Liz found the pot supposedly where she'd always hidden it and I did think this was supposed to be the old hardware store and they lived somewhere else but I've stopped trying to figure out all of the backstory. ["You're right: what is now Luke's apartment used to be their dad's old office over the store." -- Wing Chun] Liz says that Luke was big into athletics into his day, and that the ladies were big into him. She tells him that Luke used to date Carrie, which Luke argues is untrue. Jess says he's got to go. Liz runs to him and asks him to come back after he checks his car, and promises they'll save him some food. She tells him he looks good. T.J. says that if he were a girl, he wouldn't kick Jess out of bed. T.J. then tells Jess that he'll draw a portrait of him in his Etch-A-Sketch if Jess comes back. Luke follows Jess out of the apartment.
Out in the hall, Luke can't believe what a tool T.J. is. I really don't see what his problem is, but Luke thinks that T.J. is a complete idiot and a weirdo for owning an Etch-A-Sketch. Shocker: Jess doesn't care. Luke can't believe Jess doesn't want to do anything to fix this. Jess's solution: "Shake him real hard. Maybe he'll disappear." Boo. Luke doesn't accept that his sister's life is her own and that she makes her own choices. He thinks that he and Jess should to and tell her together that her new guy sucks. Jess says that Liz really doesn't care what he thinks, and that he's got nineteen years of proof to back that up. Luke says that they have to fix this (today's secret word), and that he can't let Liz screw her life up with another idiot again. Jess says that this is Luke's problem: "You have to fix everything. You have to fix everyone." He tells Luke that this doesn't make him a good guy, it makes him a pain in the ass: "You make it so that when people fail you, you get to feel like the martyr, and they get to feel like not only did they screw up but they also disappointed you. You interfere and you make everything worse. No one is asking for your help. No one wants your help. Focus on your own life, and leave everyone else alone." Well, it's the most they've ever had Jess say, and it's the most passionate he's ever been about a string of words, but I'm not so sure that this is true at all. I mean, it's true for this episode, I guess, and Luke certainly does help people, but he surrounds himself with people who flail around helplessly, asking for things like fixed windows, extra room in the apartment, Chupahs for fake weddings, and refills on coffee.
Rory continues on her day, headed to the bookstore. She passes Kirk, who's getting teased by a group of guys who have stolen his walkie-talkie and are now playing Kirk in the Middle with it.
Rory hands Andrew a slip of paper -- a list of out-of-print books -- and asks him to track down everything on it. She turns to the shelves and sees Jess, pouting on the floor, reading the most appropriate Lies And The Lying Liars Who Tell Them. Rory and Jess stare at each other for a second. Jess flings his book down and stomps out of the store. Rory sighs.
Lorelai comes home to find another person in her house. Again, she seems not to be nervous or upset by this fact. It's Luke, and he's cut his hand on the broken window. He's bleeding all over his shirt. We soon discover that Luke is drunk. He crawled into the house through Lorelai's second-floor bedroom window. He fell out of the tree once, landing flat on his back: "I felt like Kirk." I would think Luke would have a spare key to the house. Lorelai goes to get a Band-Aid. She says he might have broken his neck. Luke says that would have been fine if he had, because he just would have fixed it, since that's what he does -- he fixes things even when they don't want to be fixed. Lorelai is all squeamish around the blood, and bats at his hand with a wet washcloth. "That's my wrist," says creepy Luke through a snarl. Then he makes a hissing noise and says, "You're very good at this." Lorelai tries her best and puts a Band-Aid on Luke's cut. Luke goes to fix the window, saying he made a promise and he's reliable and helps people whether they like it or not: "It is my big problem." As Luke goes on about how he just learned this is his big problem, he delivers the funniest line in this episode as he stops only momentarily to note, "Got a handful of Barbie." Luke says that he found out today that he's a big, judgmental know-it-all who goes around whining and complaining and screwing up everybody else's life. Hey, I thought that was my thing! ["No, you just kill wonder. That's different." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that Jess is smart for only taking care of himself. He tells Lorelai that Jess informed him that Luke is an unwelcome burden to everyone around him. Lorelai tells Luke that that's not true. Luke laughs and says it is. Lorelai tells Luke how Liz was just saying how grateful she is to have him in her life and how much she looks up to him: "She worships you." She tells Luke how Liz is thinking about moving to Stars Hollow to be closer to him. She says that Jess is an angry kid who doesn't always mean what he says. Lorelai puts Luke on the couch and offers to go buy Luke a more suitable Band-Aid so that the other kids don't beat him up. "I'll be right back," Lorelai says.
And then there's this moment where in any other show the drunk guy who loves the girl would pull her down to him and give her a big, inappropriate kiss that will be discussed for a full season. But here, because this show is so much better than that and we don't need it handed to us, there's just this quick thing Luke does. He grunts a little, and moves his hand near Lorelai's hip, as if it feels natural to pull her down and kiss her, but he remembers just before that they don't do that. It would be even better if there wasn't this bizarre Luke-kinda-has-a-wife thing going on this season, but I'm able to forget about Nicole as easily as the rest of the people involved with this show, so why don't you, too? Lorelai walks off, and Luke's still looking at his hand that's where Lorelai used to be standing, and the plinky-plinky guitar reminds us why we like this show, with its scenes that end like this.
Jess offers to help Gypsy to speed up the process. She thinks it would help if he wasn't there. Lorelai walks over. "Jess!" she shouts. Gypsy notes that Lorelai sounds mad. Lorelai tells Jess that he's been in town less than twenty-four hours, and she already wants to kill him. She calls him out for talking to Luke the way he did, for having no respect for Luke's feelings, and for being such a little jerk. Scarf count: Twelve. Jess says that this isn't about Luke, it's about Rory. Lorelai comments that Jess is the one who keeps saying Rory's name, so maybe for him this is all about Rory. She asks if he came back because he's hung up on her. Jess says he's not. Lorelai gloats that Rory has moved on, and that she's happy now. Jess asks Gypsy to hurry up so that he can get out of there. "I second that," Lorelai says, and then walks off. The closed captioning tells me that Jess "[sighs]" here, but I sure don't hear it.
Fanciness. Lorelai wonders where Demi and Ashton are sitting at the charity event. Rory thinks they might be late. Since Emily told her to arrive at 6 sharp and it's 7, and Emily is glaring at them, yeah, I'd say that's a pretty safe assumption. Emily asks what Rory's doing there. She can't believe Lorelai doesn't know a single man she could bring to this thing. "I thought you liked Rory," Lorelai says. "We do like Rory, but we're short of men," Emily says. Lorelai: "Well, so am I." Emily tells Lorelai that it's not her looks that keep men away. Heh. Lorelai pouts. Hee. Rory asks if she should leave. Emily says there's nothing she can do about it now, so they might as well all join the table. As they walk to the table, Lorelai and Rory decide that on a "wigged-out scale" from 1 to 10, Emily is Frances Farmer. Richard asks Rory what she's doing there. "Lorelai couldn't find a man," Emily drones. Emily introduces Lorelai and Rory to Marjorie and Shawna, the personal assistants to Richard and Digger. Emily calls them so dull they're two rolling pins. Digger arrives, late because he was talking in the lobby to some guy named Feriman who drinks a lot. Emily makes Rory move over so Digger and Lorelai can sit together. She tells them to act like they're dating. Emily barks at Shawna and Marjorie to look like they belong there. One of them smiles more brightly. "Oh, yes, that's much better," Emily deadpans. Rory asks who is sitting in the remaining empty chair. Emily says that nobody's there, so they brought one of Richard's coats to put over the seat. They're saying it belongs to Marjorie's husband: he's making the rounds, and then around 8 they'll say he went home feeling ill. Richard asks if everybody understands the story. Lorelai offers to stuff the coat under her dress so that they can say she's pregnant and Digger can pretend to be the doctor. Emily says she might have known Lorelai would turn this into something ridiculous. Rory says she wants to be the doctor. Emily tells Digger and Lorelai to act like they like each other. They hold hands. "Hey, your mom said," Digger says.
Luke's. He's going through a stack of orders or something. T.J. comes in and says, "There you are!" Luke says, "Yes, here I am, at my job. Will wonders never cease?" T.J. tells Luke that there's a huge party outside, and that he should come out and see it. Luke says that he's seen that festival thousands of times, because he lives there. T.J. says that he and Liz are leaving after the festival, so maybe Luke could come out and say goodbye. Luke says he'll head out as soon as he's done. T.J. asks when that would be, since it looks like Luke's almost done flipping through pieces of paper. Luke says he'll be out soon. T.J. says he'll hold Luke to that. Seriously, I have no reason to think T.J. is an idiot of any kind. Seems like a nice guy. It wasn't his fault they brought him to Jump Street three years too late.
Fancy speech at fancyness. The man thanks everyone for supporting the rare manuscript acquisition whatever: "Because without it, we would be stuck brooding around Nag Hammadi." (See episode title, and then see internet.) Everybody politely laughs. Lorelai tells Rory she doesn't get the joke. Rory doesn't either. "You go to Yale," she tells Rory. "Well, I skipped Rare Manuscript Humor 101." Lorelai asks Digger what the joke meant. Digger confesses that he was just laughing because everyone else was, and assumes that not a single person in the room got the joke. Lorelai calls everybody a bunch of poseurs. Digger quietly asks Lorelai how far they can push this thing -- dancing, a stroll on the terrace, making out in the coat-check room? Richard heads out to find Ferimen. Emily stands to stay hello to some woman. Lorelai asks how much longer she has to pretend to like Digger. Emily tells Lorelai that they're stuck together all night long. Lorelai tells Digger she just secured the coat-check room. She tells her daughter that she's off to make out: "Don't eat the chicken."
An older man comes up to Digger and starts chatting politely. Digger asks him about business. Business is fine. The man asks Digger about his golf game. Digger says it's no match to the man's. "Good to see you again," the man says, and leaves. Digger sits back down and tells Lorelai that was his father. Lorelai: "And you two have met before?" Digger says that was downright warm for them, and that his dad's asking about his golf game was a little more touchy-feely than he's comfortable with. Lorelai can't believe there's someone she can put Emily up to and think "warm." Richard walks over and says he just heard that Digger's father was in the room. Lorelai can't believe how fast word travels around there. Emily, too, just heard the news and comes running over. Richard thinks Digger's father must have something up his sleeve if he's there, particularly if he didn't ask Digger anything about business. He wants to leave to strategize immediately. Digger and Lorelai have dirty plans, so they try to rationalize things. Emily tells Lorelai to stay out of it, and Richard tells Digger he's been in this business too long and knows when something is afoot. Digger and Richard leave. Emily tells Lorelai that nobody was buying them as a couple anyway.
Firelight festival. The Troubadour sings with a band. Scarf count: I'm gonna have to just give up now. Crazy Carrie has brought over her two friends: Anna and Jill. Three Little Whores From School are we/ Pert as a floozy tramp can be./ Filled to the brim with stuff nasty/ Three Little Whores From School! They are tipsy from the reunion. Luke advises them to take some aspirin and drink plenty of water. Carrie says she told her friends that he doesn't remember "tha' night." Luke rudely tells the girl that he has no recollection of ever making out with her. Anna and Jill remember the night, though, and tell Luke that the entire reunion was talking about it. Apparently, all the girls had crushes on Butch Danes back in the day: "So serious. So intense." Carrie finishes: "So hot in those tiny, little shorts." Luke excuses himself to go find his sister. Carrie offers to "help him look," an old tramp trick to get him into bed. The girls flirt that there's always room for a foursome. Luke says, "So, twenty years later and none of you girls are married?" Carrie says they're all married. Cue Liz. Luke turns to leave, but Carrie pulls down one side of her dress and tells him that they're all going to the Styx/Journey/REO Speedwagon concert, and that they've got an extra ticket. Luke says that if it were just Styx and REO Speedwagon, he'd be in. But Journey "freaks [him] out."
T.J. is bragging to Miss Patty and her two boy toys that there was a line a mile long for Liz's earrings that day. Isn't that bizarre, the bonfire, and how it looks completely fake behind them? Why even bother with a bonfire? Oh. I'll bet it's because it's the "Firelight Festival." T.J. tells Miss Patty that they're headed to Minnesota month for their big Ren Faire, and that this time they're going to use the booth he made for Liz. According to Liz, it's "the greatest booth." What makes a booth great? Three sides? T.J. says you need a great booth, since the earrings are so small: "But a booth, and a nice sign." He was on 21 Jump Street! In 1993. This man can't be as old as the character he's playing, or as old as he looks. Maybe it's just his hair. In the firelight, he's looking a bit younger. Luke walks up and barely displays any emotion when he tells his sister he heard she was leaving after the festival. In fact, he doesn't even bother to finish a sentence. They walk off together to chat.
Liz tells Luke this festival hasn't changed since they were kids. Luke says it's the same festival their mom took them to. Liz says it's the same festival their dad took them to after their mom died. "He hated it worse than we did," Luke says. "He only took us 'cause Mom liked it." Liz reminisces about the first time she threw up from the festival's Founder's Day Punch. "That's a nice story," Luke says. Liz laughs and apologizes for Jess. Face us when you say that, Liz. We'd like an apology, too. She apologizes for not telling Luke that they'd been in touch. They'd been talking for the past six months and he'd asked Liz not to tell Luke they'd talked. That makes it even worse! Luke says it's okay. Liz says that she has a feeling about Jess, and that she thinks he's going to be okay: "He's kind of like Dad, don't you think?" Luke doesn't know, but Liz is sure. She thanks him for everything he did. Luke says he at least tried. Liz says that sometimes things take a while to sink in. I swear to God, the second I started thinking, "This scene is getting boring," Liz apologizes for being so boring. We find out that T.J.'s real name is Gary. Luke says that he heard Gary talking back there, and that it sounds like things are going well. Liz says they're really good. She then hands Luke a pair of earrings she made last night: "You can give them to your wife. Or Lorelai. Whoever." Luke guffaws a bit on Lorelai's name. Hey, Liz, don't you want to meet Luke's wife? Liz asks Luke to tell Gary she went back to get her things. They hug. Liz leaves.
Lorelai and Rory have just shown up to the festival. Lorelai is complaining that they were stuck with the rolling pins all night. Rory is complaining that they weren't adequately fed. They divvy up the kiosks and head in two different directions to buy food.
It's weird when T.J. sees Luke because he says, "Hey, you're here!" but he already saw him two scenes ago. Luke tells T.J. that Liz is getting her stuff. He then tells T.J. he heard that things are going well for Liz, which he says is different for her, and a nice change. He also heard that Liz and Gary were thinking about moving to Stars Hollow, and he wanted T.J. to know it's okay by him. T.J. says, "Okay. I didn't realize we needed your permission." Luke laughs and says he was just trying to say that he assumed, from Liz's history with guys, that T.J. would be like the others. "Well," Luke muses, "you seem like a pretty good guy." T.J. goes, "Thanks." And then: "You're a dick." Awesome. Season four is d.i.r.t.y. T.J. leaves as Luke nods into space. Lorelai says she only heard the tail end of that conversation, but assumes Luke hasn't changed his name to Richard recently. Luke says it's a long story he'll tell her later, but the teaser is that the word "Etch-A-Sketch" is in it. If it was an official WB teaser, Lorelai would find out that the Etch-A-Sketch is only in it at the very beginning, and that it's actually a Hungry Hungry Hippos, and that it had nothing to do with the story. Case in point: Luke says, "You're all dressed up." Lorelai smiles. "Just for you." Thanks for using that in every promo, WB. Lorelai asks if Jess left yet. Luke says he stopped by Gypsy's earlier, and that she was just about done then, so probably. "No goodbyes," Lorelai says. Luke tells Lorelai that Liz has a feeling that Jess is going to be fine. "He could be," says Lorelai. Luke hands Lorelai the earrings, all, "Oh, hey. Here." Lorelai gives a line-reading here that really only works because it's her and because I just like the character, but she sort of gasps and wonders why Luke is giving her a gift and doesn't want to ruin anything, so she just holds them out and says, "Pretty." But, you know, it's the same thing Lorelai would have said if her character were retarded, so I'm going to just stay with the sweet, romance-y emotions this Valentine's week recap and pretend Lorelai didn't pretty much go, "Shiny! Shiny! Yay! Yay!" Luke tells Lorelai that Liz made these and asked him to give them to Lorelai. Lorelai is a little disappointed. They turn to bask in the glow of the fake fire.
Jess hands Gypsy a wad of cash. She thanks him, adding, "Do not come again." Jess gets in his car and pulls down the visor. Out falls an envelope filled with cash. He sighs and gets out of his car, presumably to return the cash to its owner. But instead he bumps into Rory, who stares only momentarily before shouting, "I get to leave first!" She then runs, and Jess follows her, calling her name. Rory does a very silly, all crazy-legged run in a serpentine worthy of The In-Laws (the original), telling Jess that this is her town and therefore she gets to be the one to walk away and be mad. She even ducks at one point, from nothing. Jess says they look like idiots. Rory doesn't care. She tells him to go away and leave her alone. He asks her to stop so that he can talk to her. When she finally stops running, he asks her where she learned to run like that. Rory says she thought of this moment a lot. What would Jess say to her if he ever turned up? He never called or left a note or anything: "How could he explain that and then a year goes by, no word, nothing, so he couldn't possibly have a good excuse for that, right?" She says she's imagined a hundred different scenarios with a hundred different lines, so now she's a little curious as to how this is going to go down. Jess asks if they could sit down. Rory says, "No. You wanted to talk. So talk. What do you have to say to me?" And so then he just says it: "I love you." And Rory is speechless. So the strummy-strummy-la-la girl sing to drown out our screams of, "NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! WHYYYYY? NOOOOOO! DAAAAAMMMIIT!" And Jess, true to form, gets in his car and drives away. That boy really knows how to treat a lady. Rory stands, alone again, at the Firelight Festival, having learned something she can do absolutely nothing about.
I'm going back to finish the scarf count. Where were we? Twelve. Okay. First scene at Firelight Festival: Twenty-three. Scene with Liz: T.J. actually puts a scarf around Liz's neck. By the end of the scene: thirty-seven. Lorelai and Rory are hungry: thirty-nine. Luke and Lorelai.: one set of earmuffs. It's easier to watch the Jess scenes when you're counting scarves. Final total: Forty-three.
week: an episode they should have titled "We Love You, Pamie."