Lorelai isn't wearing a warm enough coat for that snowy weather. We open with Lorelai strolling in Stars Hollow as the town prepares for yet another winter wonderland fantasia.
Luke's. It's pretty busy. "Unbelievable!" Lorelai shouts, amazed that her princess table isn't awaiting her royal heiney. Lorelai immediately breaks another rule by whipping out her cell phone to call Rory, who is apparently just standing around in her dorm room, waiting for her mom to call. Lorelai tells Rory that there are no empty tables at Luke's, and that she was hoping Rory had developed mind-control powers to get people to leave. Rory says that if she had those powers, she'd be using them to "play the ponies," and that Lorelai's table would be low on her list. Lorelai calls Rory selfish, and then pulls up a chair at Kirk's table. Surprisingly, she asks, "May I?" to which Kirk responds that he has a girlfriend. Lorelai says she's not flirting with him. "Oh," Kirk says. "Then have a seat." Lorelai sits and then coos, "I love that shirt." Kirk informs her that it's an Arnold Palmer. Lorelai: "That was flirting." Kirk: "Oh, man!"
Lorelai asks Rory how Lane's doing. We see Paris asleep as Rory talks at full volume. She says that Lane's fine, but that she hasn't talked to her mom since "the kick-out." Lane left, right? She wasn't kicked out. I don't consider that a kick-out. Lorelai feels bad for MamaLane, but Rory doesn't, since she kicked out Rory's oftentimes best friend. Lorelai says that MamaLane is probably pretty lonely without Lane. Rory says that Lane's doing well at Yale, and has fallen into a rhythm. Lane runs up at this point, wearing a heavy coat, offering up a bundle of to-go coffees. She's rushing because she's late to wake up Paris. I see. So Lane's now the dorm nanny? Lane shouts for Paris to get up and at 'em. "Die," Paris says. Lane puts Paris's espresso right out of reach. Paris: "Die twice." She must not mean "espresso," because that's a very large cup. Maybe it's an Americano or something. Lorelai asks Rory if Paris was at the professor's last night. Rory says that Paris claims to have been up all night cramming. Lorelai: "Well...she was." Ew! Rory is moved to say, "Ick!" I daresay that's the dirtiest joke this show has ever told. Paris asks what the ick's all about, and whether it's about her. Rory lies and calls Paris paranoid.
At the diner, Luke grumps up, complaining about the "stupid Firelight festival," and how it seems to happen every week. Lorelai orders coffee and a muffin. Luke asks Kirk, "You two an item now?" Kirk insists, "I have a girlfriend." Then Luke delivers the actual dirtiest joke this show has ever told: "Double-dipping. You dog." Ew! Rory asks Lorelai why she's up so early. Lorelai has a quick meeting at the Dragonfly, and is then spending the day with Digger, helping him to find furniture for his office. Lorelai says that Digger's never really seen Stars Hollow.
Luke comes back to the table, so Lorelai tries to hide the cell phone in her hair while Rory attempts to finish her sentence. Luke says hello to Rory, and then asks Kirk how it feels to be a stepdaddy. Rory says it's good thinking for Lorelai to clam up about Digger around Luke, since he's "always had a problem with [her] guys." Lorelai lies, and says that's not why she stopped talking. Paris then gives a couple of whoops and shouts, "Good morning, Vietnam!" Apparently this is her morning espresso ritual, one I think we would have heard of by now if Rory has been living with Paris for three months. Apparently it's a triple espresso, which scares me.
Lorelai tells Rory that there's a rock-n-roll hippie chick getting into an argument with Luke at the counter: "They are rudely out of range." Lorelai tells Kirk to move in and eavesdrop on Luke's argument. Kirk informs all the other patrons in the restaurant that he's only friends with Lorelai. Lorelai goes into overdrive, wondering if she's here to lease one of his apartments, or perhaps she's here to help with the "divorce with Nicole" (still holding onto that dream, eh, Lorelai?). Rory says that the woman might be a friend of Nicole's, or another attorney. Lorelai says that Luke is the most complicated guy she knows who also owns a Doobie Brothers record. Lane leaves Rory's room to wake Tana. Lorelai tells Rory that Luke sent the hippie woman upstairs. Lorelai figures she must be a dominatrix. Rory points out that if the woman wasn't carrying a bag, then she wouldn't have anywhere to put all of her dominatrix gear. What good rock-n-roll hippie freeloader doesn't carry all her shit in a giant bag? She never knows when she has to jam. Lorelai and Rory banter about the dominatrix gear fashioned out of Luke's belongings: fishing pole, Nolan Ryan's rookie card. Rory tells Lorelai to ask Luke who the hippie is. If the girls ever followed that logic, how would we ever have an episode? Lorelai is about to go ask Luke the truth, but stops when she hears him cursing off-camera, banging around pots and pans. By "cursing," I mean the word "crap" is shouted. Lorelai hangs up with Rory and makes a few kissy-faces at Kirk, who is then moved to shout once again, "I have a girlfriend."
Yale. Lane has given Tana a makeover. I guess that means she plucked her eyebrows and put some makeup on her, but it's not really that huge a transformation. She didn't put the girl in better clothes or anything. Rory can't believe how clean it is in the common room. Lane is also now their maid. Tana asks Paris, "How good do I look?" Paris: "Would a comedic answer crush you?" Tana: "Probably." Paris: "Terrif." Lane tells Paris that Tana's gonna knock boys out today. "With what?" Paris asks. "Sheer peculiarity?" Tana's hoping a certain Chester Fleet notices her today. Chester's dad was instrumental in conducting research showing that neurons fired actively during REM sleep, with the exception of nerve cells involved with the transmitter chemicals. Paris says she had forgotten the beginning of that sentence already. I'm with ya, Paris. Rory finally finds the phone, which is on its twentieth ring (no voicemail for these busy gals, I guess). It's Jamie. Is it the same Jamie who was always Jamie? It's been so long since we've seen him, but I thought somehow that Jamie was a blond. Jamie tells Rory he'll be in town for a couple of days, so he'll see her at some point. It appears that Jamie is just outside their dorm. Paris is curt on the phone with Jamie, saying she can't go out tonight, and that the plans the two of them had made were only tentative, written in pencil. She says she's tired, busy with studying, and there's drama in the suite. She says that ("Rory's small-town friend") Lane is a complete mess, and is crashing with them after getting kicked out of her house. She's heavy into the drugs: "Nancy Spungening it. Chasing the dragon." Paris says she needs to be there for support, and that she and Jamie will get together tomorrow. Paris hangs up and responds to the looks Lane and Rory are giving her. She says that Jamie doesn't always respond well to the fact that she has to study. Lane follows Paris out the door, asking what "chasing the dragon" means, and suggesting that perhaps Paris shouldn't spread such rumors about Lane. Rory, full of judgment, watches Paris leave.
Luke tries to drive his truck in the town in which he lives. However, a certain big-city smarmy boy is tailgating, swerving, flashing headlights, and honking. Luke yells for him to take it easy, parks his truck, and declares, "Jerk."
Lorelai checks her clock. She's apparently been dressed and ready to go for hours and hours and hours. She looks out her window and sees the same black car that was chasing Luke. She heads out of her house.
Digger is in the black car, kicked back in a reclined position, taking a conference call with Japanese men. Lorelai knocks on his window, and Digger lowers it. Digger says some insurance-sounding stuff, and throws in the phrase "international laws." Digger apologizes to Lorelai. She asks what happened to taking the morning off. Digger says he does have the morning off. However, Japan doesn't. He asks if she wants to get in the car with him. Lorelai: "With all these Japanese businessmen in the car? Kinky!" And of course, the Japanese businessmen begin repeating the word "kinky." Digger gets off the phone. Lorelai asks if they can take her Jeep, since it can hold more stuff. Digger gets out of his car. They kiss. Lorelai says she's got a fabulous list of places in neighboring Woodbury, and that they'll grab a newspaper to find estate sales, and then hit a few places in Stars Hollow before lunch. Digger asks if there's time for coffee now, since he hasn't had any in hours. What time is it? Lorelai asks what time he got up. "5." Lorelai is amazed that "they have one of those in the morning, too." Digger asks if they can go to the place she's always talking about -- "Duke's." Lorelai tries to blow it off like it's no big deal, that the place is nothing special, and that Luke's/Duke's probably isn't open right now anyway, but Digger insists.
On the way, Digger takes another conference call. Lorelai knows no Dutch, so she can't help. She says she has a picture of people ice skating under a windmill. Digger says he stinks at taking mornings off. They pull up in front of Luke's. Digger sees Luke's truck, and immediately wants to leave. He doesn't want to meet the man he tailgated less than an hour ago. There is much argument, much discussion, and much "Luke"/"Duke"-ing. They leave, but not before Luke sees Lorelai in a car with another man. Lorelai sure does talk baby-talk around Digger. But then again, per Bad Santa, maybe that's just Lauren Graham's flirting voice.
Jamie pounces Rory at the cafeteria. He asks Rory if she knows anything about what's going on with Paris. He rearranged everything to come see her, but she won't see him. She's been canceling plans for weeks and not calling him. Rory says that Paris is very busy being a freshman in college, and that Lane's been in their suite. Jamie asks what "chasing the dragon" is, and whether Paris is seeing somebody else. "Not that I know of," says Rory. Jamie thanks Rory, and says that this really helped. Rory promises that it'll get better. Jamie confesses that today's his birthday. Rory wishes him a happy birthday. Jamie leaves.
Luke's. Kirk is at a table. Luke takes this moment to double over onto the counter and rest his head in his hands. The hippie woman comes down from upstairs and asks Luke if he forgot about her. Luke says he's really busy, and asks Kirk if he wants another piece of pie. Kirk says he's fine, and then delivers a monologue about the classic mid-morning lull, and how nobody will be in the diner for at least another half-hour. The woman calls Luke upstairs. Luke delivers the only-heard-in-scripts line, "Comin', Sis."
Luke's apartment. He calls for his sister. Liz is her name. Liz is in the closet, pulling out the old baggie of weed she hid back there when she was young. Remember the woman who played the kid-dumping, hippie, free-loving, kinda druggie sister on ER? Yeah, she's playing exactly that same character here. Luke freaks out about the pot, and Liz promises that she doesn't do it anymore. She tells him to throw it away. Luke doesn't want the garbage man to see the pot. Liz says the garbage man sold her the pot in the first place. Liz tells Luke he looks good, and asks if she looks good. She says she's really good. She made coffee. Luke doesn't drink coffee. She asks him to watch her drink coffee. She says she hasn't seen him in two years. "Three years," Luke corrects her. He asks what she's doing here. She says she thought she'd check up on him, and she's got her high-school reunion this weekend. She has a job, and she just moved into a new apartment with a patio big enough that she can finally get a dog. Luke interrupts to guess that she's got a new boyfriend, who's really good, and that this one is for real and it's really love. Luke's heard it all before, and he doesn't want to hear it again. Every time Liz finds The One, she winds up with her bank account cleaned out and her television stolen. Luke always ends up being the one cleaning her up. Liz asks to talk about something else. Luke asks about her job. She makes jewelry, selling it at Ren Fairs. Luke can't take this. He says he has to go back to work. He asks if she's talked to Jess lately. Jess sent Liz a letter; he's with his father. Liz says that Jess is eighteen, and that you can't tell him anything. Luke: "You can't if you don't try." Liz says she did try. No, she gave up, Luke argues. Liz thought Luke would be better for Jess than she was. Luke tells her how Jess lied about everything, to the point where Luke had to steal Jess's car in the middle of the night, hiding it in Luke's dad's old garage to trick Jess into going to school and graduating, which only succeeded in making Jess run off "to live with the bum who abandoned him." Luke sighs into his seat. Liz tells Luke he tried. Luke says he's great at trying. Liz leaves, telling Luke she's staying with "crazy Carrie Duncan," who once made out with Luke at homecoming. Luke swears he didn't. Liz laughs and says it was really good to see him, and that he does look good. She'll make sure Carrie knows that. The strummy-strummy-la-la's take over until we're...
...with Lorelai and Digger in front of MamaLane's shop. They'll never get to Woodbury at this rate. Oh, wait. The Jeep is packed with furniture, so I guess Digger and Lorelai are on their way back into town. Digger is still on the phone. Lorelai has had it with sharing Digger with his job, and heckles his business calls. She yells at him to get off the phone. Digger asks for two minutes. Lorelai stomps and pouts into MamaLane's shop.
MamaLane is with a customer. Lorelai wanders around the shop. MamaLane sees Lorelai, and immediately pretends to be searching for something. Lorelai tells MamaLane that Lane is fine, and with Rory at Yale. MamaLane doesn't look at Lorelai. She looks up, facing us, and we can see her relief. She finishes her transaction with another customer as Lorelai quietly excuses herself.
Digger's on the phone with someone else as Lorelai walks back out to the curb. He frantically makes arm motions for her to shut up, but when has Lorelai ever done that? It's not until he shouts the word "Emily," that Lorelai zips it. Digger tells Emily that he took the morning off, and then agrees with her that Richard deserves a morning off, too. He hangs up and tells Lorelai he pulled a muscle waving at her, and was so dramatic that she should have known he was talking to her mother. Lorelai asks if Digger's doing a Mrs. Robinson thing with her mother. Digger: "Yes. I was visiting Richard one day and he stepped out and Emily lit a cigarette and did that triangle thing with her thigh and...." Ick. Emily's making Digger come to some charity event at a hotel the day. Then Lorelai answers her own cell phone (without checking Caller ID first so that she can make Digger not talk through her conversation) to find Emily inviting her to the very same charity function. Emily wants to know why Lorelai just called her "Emily" instead of "Mom," and who was the man yelling in the background. Digger's phone rings again, and Lorelai has to walk away so that Emily doesn't hear him talking. Lorelai agrees to go to the charity event. Digger gets off the phone and begs Lorelai to tell her parents that they're dating before they get caught. Lorelai knows her parents will be mad that she hid it. Digger points out that they'll be madder the longer Digger and Lorelai hide it. Lorelai says her parents will screw things up, and that she likes their relationship the way it is right now. Digger says they'll get caught together on the street, or there will be a traffic report with photos of them sitting in the car. Digger says that barring some kind of Star Trek cloaking device -- which was problematic for both Kirk and Picard -- they'd better come clean. Lorelai is uncomfortable dating a Trekkie. Digger shows how he's covered in sweat from three minutes on the phone with Emily. He likes their relationship, too, which is why he feels so strongly about telling her parents. Lorelai agrees to tell Emily that night. Digger offers to tell Richard. Lorelai says she'll handle it. Digger turns off his phone. They head back into MamaLane's to buy furniture. That's a little awkward, isn't it? Hanging out with MamaLane at a time like this?
Yale. Paris is watching Ted Kennedy on television in the common room. She says she's always admired him, but thinks it's unfair that fat men always look good in suits. Rory turns off the television and says she wants to talk about Paris's boyfriend(s) situation. She thinks it's unfair that Paris is having an affair with her professor while stringing along poor Jamie. Paris says it's not an affair, and that she's surprised Rory suddenly wants to discuss this. Rory says she doesn't want to, she's been forced to, because Jamie's been drilling her for answers. This scene has been brought to you by Uncomfortable-Looking Turtlenecks. Uncomfortable-Looking Turtlenecks: when you're going to do a scene involving a sticky situation and want to look even more tense than the script indicates. After a joke about C-Span (I don't know any show with as many C-Span-centered punchlines as this one has), Rory tells Paris that she's got to make a decision between the two. Paris tells Rory to call him "Asher" and not "Professor," because it makes him sound old. "He is old!" Rory yells. Paris: "He's sixty. Today's sixty is what fifty was twenty years ago. And he's got the body of a forty-year-old." Rory says this isn't a May/December romance, it's more like a May/Ming Dynasty romance. Paris says that this is very common these days. Rory says it's awkward, because her grandfather introduced the two of them. Paris: "Well, hot men tend to run in packs." This really is the -- and I never use this word -- squickiest episode in this show's history. Rory agrees with me, forcing Paris to invoke Season 1: "Mary, you are such a prude." Rory says that at least she's not mean to people who love her. Paris says that Jamie just can't take a hint. He was her first real boyfriend. The pot chimes in: "Well, you got lucky with him." Paris says that Jamie's crazy about her, and she's never figured out why. Rory breaks character to tell Paris not to get self-deprecating, because it's obnoxious. Paris picks up the phone and ends her relationship with Jamie thusly: "Hey, it's me. We've gotta end this. Now. There's just no reason to prolong it. Sorry you came all the way out here. Well, Rory showed me the way. She made me see there's just no point in going on." Rory tries to get out of the blame, but Paris doesn't backtrack. She apologizes to Jamie and hangs up: "This was good. It was right. I'm glad I did it." Paris goes off to her room, and Rory ends another scene looking off and thinking about other people's problems.
In case there was any wonder who the best guy in Stars Hollow is, Luke literally helps an old lady cross the street. He then opens his shed to find -- Jess's car is gone. Surprisingly, there's no puddle of oil on the cement.
Luke's. Luke reports the theft over the phone. He admits that he doesn't know how long it's been missing, but that he saw it last week. "Just...just call me when you find it," he concludes, hanging up. It's like he called Kirk to find the car. Hell, maybe he did.
Paris concludes the first tertiary plot to have a resolution this season: Chester asked Tana out on a date: "She's throwing up now." Rory packs a suitcase, saying she's going home for the weekend. "Just to get away from me?" Paris asks. No, Paris, Rory pretty much goes home every other day. And this time she appears to have no concern over where Lane's staying. Rory says she's got to go home for Emily's dinner, followed by the Stars Hollow Firelight Festival, which she hasn't missed since she was one: "So, not seeing you -- well, quite frankly, is just a fringe benefit." Paris says she feels awful and doesn't understand why Rory's so upset about this. She tried calling Jamie, but he won't answer the phone. She says that Asher seems to be serious about the two of them. He's spending a couple of months teaching at Oxford over the summer, and recently asked Paris what her plans for the summer were, so maybe he's thinking about asking her along. ["He's so not. And Paris is going to be shattered when he doesn't." -- Wing Chun] Rory says she has to hit the road. Paris admits that it was Asher's accent that made her fall for him: "I'm such an Anglophile." When she was a kid, she was in love with Neil Kinnock, the former head of the Labour party: "Teeth like a horse, but oh! That voice!" Then it was Roger Moore. She goes back to talking about the professor again. "He TiVos Frontline. So we can watch it together." Rory tries to leave, but Paris pounces: "I never wanted to hurt Jamie. I just don't know how to do these things. I'm not very nice sometimes. I hope Asher doesn't see that in me." I do think Paris is one of the most well-written, complex characters on television. That has so much to do with the talents of Liza Weil. Rory tells Paris she just wants her to be happy. Paris tells Rory that she is happy.
Rory comes home to a very loud house. Music blares. I'm assuming we're set up for Rory to walk in on Digger and Lorelai, but no. Lorelai comes down, dressed, asking Rory if she was supposed to meet Lorelai there. "No, I was a surprise," Rory says. Lorelai: "As was your conception." Rory: "I'll just be two minutes." Lorelai: "As was your conception." Again: Squick. Mom, I don't need to know that at all. Rory asks Lorelai how her date with Digger was. Lorelai says it was fun, and that Digger makes her laugh. Rory likes that. Lorelai says that Digger is very off-center, and that it's been a while since she's been with someone like that. She tells Rory that she's telling Emily tonight about her and Digger. "Very brave," says Rory. Ah. I see now that Rory changed clothes during this scene. I take back what I said in the recaplet. Rory notices that there's bread in the kitchen cabinet. She says that's weird. And then there's food, like cheese, in the fridge. Rory says they never had real food in the house when Rory was growing up. Lorelai claims that they always had food. Rory says they had leftovers from take-out, like cold pizza. Lorelai tells Rory to chill out on the details. As she ushers Rory out of the kitchen, Rory notices a tomato on the counter.
Emily's. Emily tells the girls that they smell strongly of coffee. Richard's in Manhattan, so it's just the three of them tonight. Quick Times Square joke that I think expired three years ago. Emily wonders why Digger wouldn't go on this evening business trip instead, since he took the whole morning off that day. Lorelai immediately defends Digger. Emily says she finds Digger so irritating, with his brown-nosing. Lorelai says that Emily's a formidable opponent. Emily admits she can't warm up to Digger. Lorelai tells her to try. Emily says she does try. But every time she sees him "a new facet of his 'Jasonness' comes out." Then Emily snarks, "You two would be perfect for each other." And with this, Emily cracks up. And then can't stop cracking up. Because the very idea of Lorelai and Digger together is way too much for Emily. She laughs and laughs and laughs while Rory looks uncomfortable and Lorelai gets defensive and for some reason doesn't use this moment to be all, "Mom, I'm dating him. Get used to it! I love him!" like she normally would. Instead, she gets quiet and mildly insulted at her mother's cackling. Rory asks Emily why it's so funny. Emily says it'd be "so ludicrous." Holy shit. I just had to find out how to spell that word because it's been replaced in my immediate recall with "Ludacris." That's the saddest thing ever.
Post-dinner, Lorelai pouts. Rory asks Lorelai if she's okay. Lorelai pouts. "You didn't tell her," Rory says. Lorelai pouts. "time?" Rory asks. Lorelai pouts. Rory asks Lorelai about her motor skills, and then offers to drive.
Luke's. They found Jess's car. Jess was in it. Cue the tow truck. Cue Jess. I'd like to take this moment here to thank the powers that be for answering our prayers for continuing plotlines, complications, conflict, and advancement of character development. I really should just be happy, because this is exactly what I had coming, isn't it? I should have known that all of my harping and whining would result in the Return of Jess. I'm going to try to keep an open mind about all of this. Maybe Stars Hollow will give Jess what's coming to him this time. Maybe the producers brought him back simply to make us all feel satisfied about how Rory was spineless with him all last season. Let's see.
Jess and Luke. "Well, look who's back," says Luke. Jess says he's just there to retrieve his property. Luke tells Jess he's got a lot of nerve. Jess says Luke stole his car. Luke tells Jess to take his car and have a nice life. Jess says that his car is wrecked because Luke hasn't been taking care of it; Jess wants Luke to pay for the repairs. Luke says that the paint is the only thing holding that car together, and asks if things worked out well with Jess's dad. Jess says it worked out fine, and that he's just traveling. Luke thanks Jess for all the cards and letters he's sent. Jess accuses Luke of kicking him out. Luke says that Jess got himself kicked out. Jess: "Nice spin. You should work for Bush." Luke asks if Jess wrote the great American novel or learned to play the harmonica on his Kerouac adventure. Jess: "What do you care? You're not my guardian anymore." Luke: "And I bless every day that I am not." Jess tells Luke that when you're not good at something, it's best to cut and run. Like being Rory's boyfriend. Luke apologizes to Jess for trying to give him a better life. Luke can't believe Liz called Jess and told him where the car was. Jess says that the car belongs to him, and that "Liz" was doing the right thing: "That's what family does." Luke: "'Family'? What a joke coming from you." Jess tells Luke to go clean his counters. Luke tells Jess to stay away from Rory while he's in town: "You've done all the damage you're gonna, okay?" Jess says he's just there for his car. After he gets it fixed, he'll be gone. He heads to the back seat to sleep for the night. Luke heads inside.
Rory and Lorelai leave Taylor's Soda Shoppe (how they didn't see Luke arguing with Jess two feet away is a mystery to me), arguing about the words "HoCho" for hot chocolate and "FroYo" for frozen yogurt. Rory hates those expressions; Lorelai loves all things cutesy. Lorelai calls Digger to tell him that she chickened out. Digger says it's going to be awkward no matter when they do it. Lorelai says that this wasn't good timing, and that there will be better timing in the near future. As Lorelai debates when "near" would be, exactly, Rory spots Jess's car. She walks over to it and sees Jess sleeping in the back seat. "I don't believe this," she says. Lorelai gets off the phone and joins her daughter. "What is he doing here?" Lorelai asks. "What is he doing there?" Rory asks. Lorelai wonders if Luke knows Jess is out here. Rory doesn't want to deal with this at all. (That Jess is a quick and heavy sleeper.) Rory decides to walk this off as Lorelai heads inside to get the scoop from Luke.
Luke's. Luke answers the door and invites Lorelai in. Lorelai asks if he knows Jess is sleeping out there in 35-degree weather; she wants to know why Jess is back. "Because I'm stupid!" Luke shouts. He says that Liz showed up that morning for reasons he still doesn't know, and then Jess showed up this afternoon to collect his car. Lorelai says that Luke has had quite a day. Luke guesses that Bobby McFerrin will write a song about it. (I am guessing that a good third of you are way too young to know who Bobby McFerrin is.) Luke asks Lorelai not to tell Rory, because Jess will be gone tomorrow. "Oh, man," Luke groans. Lorelai says that Rory is fine with it, and that she's not going to freak out. "What a lie it all is!" Luke says. "Families! They're just messes! It's like a spilled drink that keeps spilling, and you got to keep cleaning it up. You scrub and you scrub, and you just can't get the stain up." Careful, Sybil, before you start talking about "the people." Luke: "Show me a happy family. Just one. Didn't that Tolstoy guy say something about families?" Lorelai: "Probably." Luke: "It's a famous thing he said. It's like, 'All families are unhappy.' Or, 'Happy on the surface,' 'Unhappy in the same way.'" Lorelai: "Sounds a little incomplete." Luke: "Maybe he couldn't complete the thought because he was dealing with his stinking family." Lorelai asks if the Hallmark people know about Luke. Luke shouts that he's tired of cleaning up messes. He's tired of helping people who do nothing to help themselves. Hi, have you met Lorelai? Lorelai says she doesn't want Luke to have to deal with a frozen carcass in the morning. Luke says that Jess will be fine. Lorelai tells him to relax, watch a little television -- "no family shows." Better joke: "Stay away from Everwood." Luke says he's on his way up to bed right now. Lorelai leaves, having helped not one bit.
Rory studies, C-Span in the background. Lorelai asks Rory if she wants an update. She recaps Luke's day, kind of. Jess might be in town part of the day. Rory says she'll be fine. Lorelai heads upstairs. Rory asks where the movie channels went, and why there's bread. She asks if Lorelai's skimping on money, cutting back on her spending. There's no take-out in the fridge or in the trash, the magazines are gone, and the light bulbs appear to have lower wattages. Lorelai tells Rory that she's overreacting. Rory asks Lorelai if she's having money problems. Lorelai says she's fine, and that the inn is even getting a horse. She says she'll call the cable company in the morning to check on the channels. Rory asks Lorelai if she'd tell her if there was a problem. Lorelai says she would. Rory goes to bed. Lorelai sits up, covered in lies. She turns off the lamp and sits in the dark.
Luke stares out his window at Jess in his car. He sighs. La-la-la. La-la-laaaa.
Luke knocks on Jess's window to says he's sleeping at Nicole's. La-la-laaa. La-la-la-laaaaa. The hidden key's still in the same place, and Jess can sleep wherever he wants. Makes no difference to Luke. "Fine!" Jess shouts. La, la, la. La-la-laaaa. Luke drives away. Jess gets out of the car. La, la, la, laaaaa. Luke makes the traffic circle to watch Jess let himself into the diner and up to the apartment. He drives off and we fade to black. La, la, la. La, la, la, laaaaaah.
week: More Jess! J-E-Double-S, who's the guy we wanted less? He's Jess!