Previously doesn't matter because none of those storylines will be carried over here. I like that they include a segment with Michel so that we remember who he is.
We open at Friday dinner. Rory, Lorelai, and Richard are eating. Emily is missing from her seat. As Emily enters the room, Rory offers Richard more broccoli. Richard gloats that broccoli staves off the cancer. "Staves off my appetite," Lorelai quips. Emily tells her to eat more green things, so Lorelai promises to eat a five-dollar bill later. Rory says that the new twenties have a peach color in them. Lorelai is pleased, because eating one of those would now satisfy her requirements of both fruit and vegetables.
Rory asks about the trip to Atlantic City. Richard had a great time; Emily didn't. Emily complains that walking the boardwalk is like upending a trashcan in your yard and then traipsing through it. Richard uncharacteristically says the word "gross." Apparently, the trip was a success for their hooker-loving, gambling-addict clients. Lorelai and Rory wonder how much a hooker charges to talk to a client. "Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you," Rory jokes, and Emily chastises Rory: "I expect that from your mother, but not you." Emily complains that Digger was in his element in that sleazy place, and wonders if their outing together will be Spring Break in Cancun, doing shots off people's bellies. Lorelai complains about Emily's choice of words, adding that it's okay for Emily to do shots off of Richard's belly, because they are married. Richard gives Lorelai and Rory miniature roulette wheels they had made up, with the company logo on them. Emily complains about their tackiness, but Lorelai and Rory find the toys cute. "They're the antithesis of class," Emily complains. "So like Digger." Richard says that Digger prefers to be called "Jason" now, which is why I'll keep calling him "Digger."
Emily asks to change the subject, so Lorelai abruptly obliges by asking if they've read any of Rory's articles in the Yale student newspaper. A freshman gets stories printed in the Yale paper? I think not. Richard and Emily have somehow read them all already, and compliment Rory on her pieces. Rory explains that she's not even on staff yet, and that these are "tryout articles." She has to write one for every section, and if she passes, then she gets on staff. Richard compliments Rory's lacrosse article. (Too bad we don't get to see Rory pretend to know anything about sports, leaving her to have to call up CuteDean and ask for pointers.) Lorelai says that the article almost made her give a "flying you-know-what" about lacrosse. Emily says a sentence describing another one of Rory's articles that includes the words "quadrangle" and "divinity," so my brain shut off. Emily brags that she and Richard are laminating all of Rory's articles. I pause for a second, trying to figure out what it would look like if every article, interview, recap, or news blurb on me had been laminated. What would my mom do with all of that crap? Where would she keep it? How much does upkeep on a laminating machine cost? Would my mom always smell like hot plastic? Lorelai cheers, because she got her number on the roulette wheel, and you know that's the end of the scene even though they drag out another ten minutes of silence.
Because my recaplet won't be up for very long, I'd like to reprint it here, since it's a good explanation of why I think this recap won't be very long, and why there's no point in dwelling on the ins and outs of this episode like I normally would. I think the point of this episode was to touch briefly on everything we wished we could see, from Lane talking about Dave to Michel to Rory at school, without actually getting anywhere with anyone. So here's the recaplet:
My job in this recaplet is to tell you what happened in this episode. My job this week is easy. Ready? Here's what happened: nothing. Maybe the tertiary characters have taken over the asylum so much that, in order to get everyone a signature line or two, nobody gets a fleshed-out storyline. How much do you think an episode costs these days? In this hour alone we have Luke, Nicole, Lane, MamaLane, Paris, Tana, Janet, Sookie, Bruce, Davey (damn you, Daniel Palladino, and your tendency to have all exciting action happen off-screen. You tease us with Sookie's pregnancy for a year and then rob us of her having a scene where she welcomes her son into the world? Screw all of you for that. Babies are what November sweeps were invented for!), Digger, Emily, Richard, and Michel. To top it off, enter brand-new characters of Personality-less Yale Editor Boy and Angry Ballerina. Don't get attached; I'm sure neither of them will be making another appearance. We sort of get a little bit of an update with Lane and Dave: apparently they're just peachy, which is bullshit, because any eighteen-year-old girl whose boyfriend is on the other side of the country isn't that well-adjusted. She's on the phone, she's crying, she's writing letters, and she's saving every dime to visit him. She talks about him constantly, asking everyone if they think she's doing the right thing by waiting on him. Nicole and Luke? They're fine. Lorelai? Fine. Sookie and her baby? Fan-fucking-tastic. Digger? Aside from five minutes of food discussion, he's pretty much just taking up oxygen, but in an oh-so-cheeky way. You can see the awesome storylines just past everyone's reach, and that's what's so frustrating. This show used to be about relationships -- particularly cross-generational conflicts -- and had touching moments where people grew up a little and learned something. This show used to have romance, and flirting, and the tender heartbreak of vulnerability. Now we've got chatter. Pointless chatter. I miss my show. But if the point of this episode was for Daniel Palladino to tell me that it's okay to vote this episode a C+ with no hard feelings, then point taken. Thanks, Dan, for knowing when I'm just doing my job.
Okay? Moving on. Yale's newspaper office. Paris is complaining to Rory about having to jump through hoops with these "tryout articles," arguing that it's an arcane practice. Rory thinks it's a "time-honored tradition." Rory can't find her review of the chamber-music recital in the paper. Paris complains that the paper prints everything they write, no matter how bad it is: "They'd print my mattress tag if it was in the right margins." Rory says her article isn't there. Paris says it just means parakeets will be crapping on something else in the morning. She complains that all of the bagels are stale.
“ Rory asks if she had turned her article in late, causing it not to appear in the paper. Doyle tells Rory that it didn't run because it was yawn-worthy. Snoozeville. Take that, Rory! Your perfection is marred. Marred! ”
Enter the editor guy, who I learn from the forums that he's Danny Strong from Buffy. Those four words in that order mean nothing to me. He could be Strong Buffy from Danny and I'd make the same face of fake acknowledgment. But his name on the show is Doyle. Anyway, the kid's about 5'3", and immediately offers Rory a Starbucks coffee mint, saying he's addicted to them: "So is Bob Woodward. So I hear. Not that I'm copying him." Rory asks if she had turned her article in late, causing it not to appear in the paper. Doyle tells Rory that it didn't run because it was yawn-worthy. Snoozeville. Take that, Rory! Your perfection is marred. Marred! Doyle tells her not to sweat it, and that she'll do better time. Rory immediately looks to the floor, because those are words that people reserve for losers, and Rory's never had a "time" before, and this is all so confusing. And why didn't they let Rory have a breakdown here? Or at least let her fume to someone, mortified that this has happened? Why can't she and Paris break into the copy room late at night and rearrange her article so it's on the cover? Something. Something! But, no. Rory's handling it with the calm collectedness we normally see in freshman girls. Doyle tells Rory that his mother liked the recital, since she's old. Paris freaks out when she hears that Rory's article didn't get in, until she flips the paper open and sees that her own article got in. Paris smiles and sighs with relief. She leaves to get a bagel.
Lorelai can't believe that Doyle used the word "yawn," and tells Rory so as they walk through Stars Hollow with Lane. Lorelai offers up The WB's official curse word to call Doyle a "jerk." I've mentioned this before, but I hate that this network always uses the word "jerk" when they mean any kind of cussword. Nobody calls anybody a jerk. ["I do, but I agree that it's overused on The WB." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai and Lane tell Rory that Doyle should have been more diplomatic in his criticism, and not as insulting. Rory says she was tired when she wrote it, so it probably wasn't her best work. She says that she should write her articles before she studies. Hey, Rory: your nightlife is crazy yawn. Lorelai says that Doyle needs "more learnin'." Lane goes way back to scripts from the '80s to say, "Kick him where the sun don't shine." What? Lorelai tells Lane she's not good at threats. Lane says she knows, and that she hates that about herself. Rory smiles and decides to chalk this whole thing up to experience. La, la, la-lah, lah-lah, lah, la, LA, laaaaahhhhhh!
Lane asks what time it is. It's five to 4. That means it's five minutes before Dave calls Lane, so Lane says she should get home. Ya think? Lorelai asks if "we're" still mad at Dave. Lane says that we aren't mad at Dave at all. She and Dave are just perfect. Lorelai says it must be that they're mad at Jackson. Rory says they aren't. Lorelai says they must be mad at Gypsy's husband. Rory says that Gypsy isn't married. Lorelai says that this will bug her. It's Jess, Lorelai. It's Jess we're mad at. And Christopher. And even Max, a little, I guess. You're usually mad at Emily, Lor. And Taylor. And I think you were mad at Traci Lords. Lane says that Dave is great, even though he's thousands of miles away, and seems a little jealous that they've replaced him in the band. "And that's why we're mad at him!" Lorelai concludes. Rory says they aren't mad at Dave. Lane says she misses him. Rory has the line to make everybody get their hopes up falsely: "Well, he'll be home for Christmas, right?" Lane says he'd better be. She doesn't know? Why can't Lane and Dave have a real long-distance relationship? Why can't Lane be as cool as she used to be? Why isn't anyone having any kind of relationship this year -- one that makes us feel something, even if it's the hatred we used to have when Jess would mistreat Rory? At least we felt something then. Crap. This season got so blah that it makes me miss Jess! What has happened to me? I'm dying for conflict so much I'd rather watch something I hate than something that is like turning off my brain for an hour.
“ We find out that the home birth was 'amazing to watch.' Really, Lorelai? We wouldn't know. Thanks for the one- word description of life. ”
Lorelai has reached Sookie's, so Rory tells her to say hi to the baby for her. Yeah, Sookie had a baby and we got none of it, from Jackson finding out the sex of his child (thanks for three episodes of that pointless bullshit), to a year of Sookie getting nervous about not being a good mother (it would have been nice to see the second she stopped freaking and thought she could maybe do this), to the last-minute decision to have the baby at home, to Lorelai and her pager, to -- whatever. I don't need a very-special episode called "Davey's Home," or whatever, but if I'm not going to get one, then don't tease it like the baby will have a point. This baby's going to be less visible than Rachel's Emma, I'm sure.
Michel is waiting on Sookie's porch when Lorelai arrives, because Sookie won't let Michel in the house. He sneezed, and Sookie doesn't want Michel's germs near the baby. I'm surprised we even get to see the baby. Michel incorrectly compares himself to Rosa Parks. He says that he sneezed because there was dust up his nose, and not because he's sick. He thinks it'll be difficult for them to have a business meeting with him outside.
Lorelai and Sookie enter the house. No, Jackson's not there. And no, there's no flurry of activity like what usually happens when there's a newborn in the house. And Sookie? She appears to be a mom just fine, so whatever. And no, the baby's not called Emilio, either. Lorelai talks serious baby talk to Davey, stealing his nose permanently. Sookie says that Davey said his first word the other day, "Ah-oopah." The geeky child-development person in me -- the one who spent a year as a double major in speech disorders -- knows that the baby couldn't have made that sound, because it's a mash of noises baby's mouths don't make that early. But you know, that would be way too geeky for me to point out, even though I just did, accidentally, to explain to you why I shouldn't point it out. Michel interrupts the baby talk to ask the women if he should throw up on the bushes or the grass. Lorelai asks if he likes babies. Michel says he's never been near one, and thought today might be his chance.
Lorelai brought pastries for everyone, but Michel thinks that sitting alone outside eating a pastry might be too depressing, even for him. He asks to start the meeting. Lorelai says that the Dragonfly is officially demo-ed, to the point that it doesn't look like it could ever be a pretty inn. Michel complains about the "big, flying things" out on the porch. Bruce enters, and we learn that she's also a lactation specialist. Lorleai and Michel both simultaneously make amusing responses. We find out that the home birth was "amazing to watch." Really, Lorelai? We wouldn't know. Thanks for the one-word description of life. Bruce asks if Lorelai was the one talking baby talk. Bruce believes, as does my mother, that children should never be talked down to using cutsey-wootsie baby talk. Bruce says it stunts a child's language acquisition. You might disagree because you love your wittle bundle of wowsie-powsie, but Mom always talked to me like I was an actual person. I learned my alphabet at thirteen months and was reading books just after a year later. Hard to argue with that, I guess. I've only recently started meeting babies, since my friends are all about that age now, and I had no idea what thirteen months looks like. I spent some time with a thirteen-month-old the other day. They're small. Yep, you heard it hear first. Babies are tiny. And they aren't the best conversationalists, even when you're chatting with them like tiny people, as Lorelai does to Davey after her scolding from Bruce. Bruce leaves to return in five minutes, and Sookie tells Lorelai that Bruce also volunteers her services for needy people. "It's okay," Lorelai giggles, as if Sookie was apologizing. Michel freaks out a little more about the bugs on the porch. Lorelai holds an imaginary conversation with Davey until Bruce comes back into the room. Michel gets attacked by "green things," and runs around the porch. Bruce tells Sookie it's time to feed. Lorelai declares this to have been a very productive meeting.
“ Rory whines that she rewrote the article four times and researched it thoroughly. Doyle tells her not to worry so much about the facts, and that what he's looking for his her opinion on the piece. I do believe this is how Stephen Glass got inspired. ”
Rory turns in her latest assignment using the old-school method of writing it on a piece of paper. They talk about the New Zoo Review, and I'm tempted to tell you I don't know who these animals are, but I'm still getting about twenty emails a day with links to Rory's portrait online and according to you guys the guy who died in the '80s was either the second lead singer for AC/DC or someone in Led Zeppelin. Instead, I'll tell you that I miss Gary Gnu from the Great Space Coaster. He was funny. Doyle bleeds red all over Rory's article, and tells Rory she's showing progress. Rory asks if this is some kind of hazing. Doyle says that this is how it works, and that it isn't personal. Rory whines that she rewrote the article four times and researched it thoroughly. Doyle tells her not to worry so much about the facts, and that what he's looking for his her opinion on the piece. I do believe this is how Stephen Glass got inspired. Doyle tells her not to worry, but to make sure this one is good. And um, you know, whatever, end of scene.
Rory is taking her mom on a date to the thing she has to review. This is a ballet. Lorelai is impressed with their fancy seats (which have the most elaborate golden "reserved" signs I've ever seen). Lorelai tries to pep-talk Rory, who is bummed about her recent non-published status. Lorelai: "You need chocolate." "Chocolate and talent," Rory adds. Rory says that she might have peaked in high school, and that she's not cut out for college papers. Lorelai reminds her that Yale is in a different league than the Chilton paper. As the lights go down, Lorelai tells Rory that she loves her important seats. And in their important seats in the front of the house, Lorelai and Rory begin talking not quietly about how much they dislike the ballet. We don't see it, but I guess the dancers stumble in the beginning, almost dropping each other, slipping all over the place. At least the other audience members are uncomfortable, too, but it might be because their production looks like an episode with Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with Lorelai and Rory chatting it up in front of them. Lorelai says that the dancer's kick to her partner gave new meaning to the word "Nutcracker." Rory giggles and writes that zinger down. Someone finally shushes them.
Cut to later, when Rory and Lorelai are stunned, still in their seats after the show has ended. They can't believe how terrible it was. "I'm in physical discomfort," Rory says. Lorelai concludes that the lead ballerina must not have any friends, or one of them might have told her about the roll of fat hanging over her bra strap. Rory wonders how many times she can use the word "blows" in an article before it becomes redundant. She could ask Jon Stewart, who recently used that word about four times in one episode to describe the third Matrix movie. ["And not too often, because seriously, really, it bloooooooows." -- Wing Chun] Rory says she has to write about her opinions in this article. Lorelai's opinion is that the end curtain came down way too slowly: "If Vincent Gallo could just see this, he'd feel a whole lot better about Brown Bunny." Boo, says Stee. I say that Vincent Gallo doesn't feel the slightest bit upset about Brown Bunny, and that it was Ebert that Palladino meant to reference.