I was having breakfast when Melissa McCarthy walked into the restaurant. Does that make this an extra-special recap, since it was written minutes after seeing Sookie? More importantly, do you think she recognized me, since I was wearing a TWoP shirt at the time or because I was staring at her?
I'm a little worried about Rory's laundry habit. This girl does more laundry than Last Comic Standing's Rich Vos. We open in Lorelai's kitchen, where Rory is carrying a large bundle of laundry and Lorelai is clipping coupons. There's "[off-key rock music]" playing faintly in the background, according to the closed captioning. Lorelai asks Rory if she'd be horrified if Lorelai started clipping coupons again. Rory makes a snotty "Yes!" sound, so Lorelai tells her to forget it, then: "I won't." Rory asks when Lorelai ever clipped coupons before. Lorelai says she never did, and that she just misspoke. Lorelai asks Rory how her laundry has increased exponentially since she started Yale. "Because I'm a dirty, filthy Yale girl now," Rory answers, snatching the coupon section of the paper away from Lorelai. "I told you I'm not going to clip them!" Lorelai shouts. Rory says that there shouldn't be a problem, then. Rory doesn't get too far into the laundry room, however, because she hears Lane's band playing. "That is..." she starts. "Sucks," Lorelai agrees. "That is totally sucks [sic]," Rory says, noting that the band is on their 200th guitarist audition. Lorelai says they must be down to the "deaf, dumb, and blind ones," and then celebrates when the guitarist in question finds the "lost chord." Rory walks back in and says, "So, the washer's broken." Lorelai grins guiltily and says, "Yep." Rory wonders why Lorelai didn't mention it when Rory walked out with her exponential pile of laundry or called from Yale to say she was coming home to do exponential amounts of laundry. Lorelai accuses Rory of co-opting her word, so Rory changes it to "plethora," as in, "I have a plethora of dirty laundry and nowhere to do it." Lorelai reminds Rory that she comes home not to do her laundry, but to see her "momma." Rory says that this time she came home to do her laundry. Lorelai says she'll call the laundry repair man. Rory and Lorelai note that the band has stopped playing. Enter Lane, wearing a very cool Welcome to the Dollhouse t-shirt. Her hair is in two thick braids. She mopes over to the kitchen sink, ducks her head under the faucet, and drowns the back of her head in cold water. As she walks away, Rory wonders if Lane can even hear them. Lorelai says that in self-defense, Lane's ears must have become vestigial organs. Rory snatches the coupon section away from Lorelai once again and runs to hide it in her room. Lorelai finds another section and gives a "Ha" as we fade to the opening credits.
Lorelai enters Sookie and Jackson's place to find...our newest townie. His name is Bo, and he's Jackson's brother. Get it? Bo. Jackson. Bo's the kind of guy who sits around reading magazines about cars, barely grunting when someone asks him a question. Sookie explains that Bo is grumpy because Jackson has asked Bo to be there for the birth, which was supposed to be a week ago. So Bo is unhappy because he's missed an extra week of work, and he's not afraid to let everyone know how that makes him feel. Lorelai says it'd be nice if God had given women one of those turkey pop-up things to know when a baby was done.
Jackson enters, sans pin, and says this extra time is really great, because it's allowed him to get so much done. Sookie is storing meals, and now has two weeks' worth. From the other room, a grumpy Bo asks what day it is. Around here, Bo, folks refer to that as a "trick question." Jackson says it's Saturday. Bo says that he gets time and a half on Saturdays, or he pays his bills. Jackson apologizes to Sookie one more time for the inconvenience. Sookie then calls Jackson "Daddy," a term of affection that makes me cringe. Maybe it's because I don't have kids, but there's something about that "Mommy" and "Daddy" thing, when kids aren't around, that makes me feel icky. Jackson says that the plastic sheet fits perfectly on the bed. Lorelai asks what that's for. Not that you're nosy, Lor, asking the couple about their bed linens. Maybe Sookie wets the bed. Sookie says she has news for Lorelai, but that she needs Lorelai to take in the info slowly and process it before she decides how she feels about this. See, Jackson and Sookie have decided to go with a midwife, skipping the hospital, and have the baby in their home. Their midwife is the best one "on the Eastern seaboard." I would imagine that getting a midwife that good would take more than a week's notice, wouldn't you? Lorelai is wearing the same face I'd be wearing if my best friend told me she didn't want to deliver her child to where they keep the medicine and machines in case something goes wrong. Sookie and Jackson say that millions of babies have been born this way, and that hospitals are full of infections, colds, dead people, and dead people with infections. "And if they're not dead yet," Jackson says, "they die!" Also they know that if the baby is born in their home, there's a "zero chance" of bringing home the wrong baby: "What comes out of her here, stays here." Take that, Las Vegas. Jackson gives Lorelai a baby pager -- one that plays "The Entertainer." Jackson found Scott Joplin to be "appropriately sunny." Sookie says she wants Lorelai to be there for the birth: "Even if home birth disgusts you." Lorelai says that nothing could keep her away. Jackson suddenly remembers to add extra buckets to the list. Lorelai starts to ask what they'd be for, and then stops herself.
Town meeting. Kirk has brought Lulu, whom he refers to loudly and proudly as "My Girlfriend." He says it about three times before they even take their seats. Through Babette and Andrew, we learn that Taylor has called an emergency meeting, and that's why everyone's there, but that no one knows what the meeting is about. "He said nothing to me or my girlfriend," Kirk notes. Miss Patty says she can't remember the last emergency meeting. Kirk and his girlfriend can't either.
Meanwhile, Rory and Lorelai are mocking Sookie's home birth. "I wanted to be supportive but throw up at the same time," Lorelai says. They want to puke on that plastic sheet, too, and compare it to the Afterschool Special about bedwetting: It's Not Benny's Fault. Lane enters, beaming. Kirk tells her there's a seat behind his girlfriend. Lane takes a seat to Rory and tells her she's found the most amazing guitarist, a phenom, who was really cool on the phone. She's trying not to get her hopes up for when she meets him tomorrow, but he's the most promising guitarist they've heard from yet. But she has already planned out what their Spin cover will look like. Rory notices that the woman at the front of the room ("Mrs. Van Uppity") is staring at her. "Maybe you're just her type," Lorelai smiles.
Taylor calls the meeting to order. He explains that, every year, one town in Connecticut hosts The Festival of Living Pictures, a show which recreates famous works of art onstage, with real people posing as the figures in the art. Stars Hollow last hosted it seven years ago, and it was a success. "My girlfriend's gonna love this," Kirk lets us know. Woodbury was supposed to host it this year, but had to cancel due to flooding, and Taylor offered up Stars Hollow. Everybody's stoked. "You finally did something right!" Miss Patty says. Taylor's offended, so Miss Patty adds, "Your beard is so sexy." Taylor tells everyone that they only have one week, and per tradition, they also have to come up with one original recreation to add to the traditional ones done every year. If they're the same works every year no matter what city, how close could the recreations look from town to town? Or does every town have someone who looks like Lorelai, someone who looks like Kirk, someone who's a dead ringer for Rory...? Taylor says he's assured Hank, "the Taylor Doose of Woodbury," that they'd take over the festival successfully. "It's a challenge, people, but doable," he says. Taylor introduces Mrs. Van Uppity, who actually has the unfortunate God-given name Buff Otis. She's the head of the Connecticut Arts Council. She takes the podium as Lorelai calls her Rory's future wife. Buff approaches the mic and only says, "Your enthusiasm...shocks me." Hee. Give Buff an Oscar. Lane and Rory debate whether that's a positive statement or not. "Scary broad," Babette warbles to Andrew. Taylor says he'll manage and emcee, Miss Patty will be the stage manager, and Lorelai will be in charge of costumes. Not that anyone's got a job. "I'm here for you and your sexy beard, Taylor," Lorelai says. Taylor giggles and grabs his chin. He says that everyone should sign up if they want to be considered for casting, and that he'll decide with Buff who gets which part. Babette asks Lorelai if she'll be the girl in the Renoir painting again. Lorelai says she's sure she can be persuaded. Taylor says that they should do this and do it well. He adjourns the meeting to positive applause. Rory starts to leave, but Lorelai holds her down, saying she wants to see if Buff asks Rory out.
Luke's. Lorelai wonders if she wants to be something other than the Renoir girl. Rory says that the audience has come to expect her in that role (after that one attempt, seven years ago), so Lorelai has to be. "It's a plum role," Rory adds. Lorelai agrees. Luke walks over, apologizing for being late. He says he's dealing with more divorce-lawyer stuff, but this time it's his own lawyer, not Nicole's. He asks about the emergency meeting, and Rory explains that Stars Hollow is hosting the Festival of Living Pictures again. "Oh. Joy," Luke groans. Lorelai's quick with the impression: "His lack of enthusiasm...shocks me." Cut out "lack of," and I think it would have been funnier. Also, why is this episode called "The Festival of Living Art," instead of "Pictures"? Luke is surprised that Lorelai is involving herself in this "stupid waste of time." Hi, Luke. Have you met Lorelai? Lorelai suggests that Luke pose for Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap. Rory asks if that was Manet or Monet. Lorelai orders a hamburger, and Rory calls her the Queen of Segues. Rory orders her usual.
Rory fantasizes about being a "backstage person" this year, forgetting the word "techie," I guess. Also forgetting that she doesn't live in Stars Hollow anymore and should probably be studying for finals. Rory's interrupted by Taylor and Buff, who are outside Luke's window, staring at Rory. Lorelai tries to make another lesbian joke, but Rory stops her. Lorelai figures that Rory's being looked at for the new painting. "I feel like a used car," Rory complains. As if Rory wouldn't be heartbroken if they did that festival without a moment where she was the princess of it. I'm surprised they don't call it The Festival of Precious Rory. Taylor and Buff ask Rory to turn profile. She does, grumpily. "I'm a Yale student, for God's sake," she complains. Yeah? Tell that to your roommates, who have forgotten what you look like. I guess I'm happy we didn't lose touch with Stars Hollow, but why even bother having all of these college discussions last year and the year before and then this year have absolutely nothing to do with Rory's life in college? Rory calls Stars Hollow "crazy doofus town," and then smiles at her mom, who ties the apron string just a bit tighter to her hip.
Taylor's putting up the casting sheet, walking through Miss Patty's studio, where lots of people are working with costumes and props. Andrew is stoked to find out that he's going to be "some statue." An exasperated Taylor tells Andrew that he'll be portraying The Reaper, a prize work at Versailles and a prize role. "So, I get to be painted all white, huh?" Andrew beams. "Yeah," Taylor admits. Is the guy standing to him the pizza delivery boy? Lorelai asks Taylor when the costumes are arriving. Taylor says that Hank said they're en route, but that she's got to triple-check everything with him. Taylor calls Hank "a real ninny," adding that he knows Hank is praying Stars Hollow doesn't pull this off, which only makes Taylor want to work harder. Kirk asks to see the list. "He's going to be very happy," Miss Patty tells Lorelai. Then Kirk squeals a jubilant "woohoo!" He's Christ in The Last Supper. He swears he'll do it right, and do lots of research. He asks what book he should read. "The Bible?" Lorelai asks. Kirk asks where his homeboy apostles be at. After a round of high-fives, the boys head to Shakey's for a celebration. Stars Hollow has a chain? Miss Patty calls Kirk a happy Christ, and Lorelai says it was nice of them to give Kirk the role.
Miss Patty shows Lorelai the painting they think Rory would be perfect for. It's called Portrait Of Anthea. Lorelai says she'll try to sway Rory to do it, because there's an incredible likeness. Lorelai is confused to find that she's not the Renoir girl. In fact, she's not on the cast list at all. Miss Patty tries to hide, but Lorelai follows her. "I'm the spitting image of the Renoir girl," Lorelai brats. She says that she played the Renoir girl seven years ago to accolades: "This is a mistake." Miss Patty says she might be right. Lorelai finds Taylor and demands to know why she's not the Renoir girl. Taylor finally admits that Lorelai flinched seven years ago when the curtain opened, and ruined everything. Lorelai says she didn't flinch. "We thought you were having an attack," Taylor says, adding that Lorelai almost knocked Terrence over. Lorelai continues arguing that she didn't flinch, even when Miss Patty backs Taylor up. "You almost knocked Terrence over," she adds. Taylor, for reasons I don't truly understand, says that Lorelai "screwed the pooch." Do people say that anymore? And I do not think it means what Taylor thinks it means. Miss Patty asks Lorelai to ask Rory to be in the painting. Lorelai pouts off as we fade to black.
Where you lead, I will follow. Anywhere, that you tell me to. If you need, you need me to do laundry with you, I will follow where you lead. I always wanted Harvard. With Ivy on the windowsill, but if you can't take me going farther than Yale, honey, you know I'll bend to your every whim because I secretly never thought I was good enough for Harvard anyway. Yale. Laundry room. Hi, Lorelai. Member of the student council yet? Lorelai is humiliated that she's not the Renoir girl. A guy enters the laundry room and takes his clothes out of the dryer, causing Lorelai to note that there's a lot of tension in the air. Rory tells Lorelai that it's time for midterms, but that Rory's not stressing because I guess Rory has suddenly turned into a completely different person whom we've never met before. Rory changes the subject to Lorelai's laundry detergent, which I guess she brought for Rory to use (what a baby!), that is generic enough that Rory figured out Lorelai bought it with (gasp!) coupons. Lorelai is upset that Carol Dandridge ("'Carol Dandruff,' from now on") won the Renoir-girl spot. Rory says this isn't Carol's fault, and Lorelai calls her "Porky Doodie-dridge." Rory says that Lorelai will get to play the Renoir girl, because if they want Rory to be Anthea, then they'll have to let Lorelai play the part she covets. We may not have Emily in this episode, but at least we have her cunning ways.
Lane, Brian, and my friend Todd Lowe are setting up their equipment, jazzed to meet the new guitarist. And (my friend) Todd Lowe, forgetting that the name is dead to him, says that this is the first time he's been excited to play since Dave. Sure wish Lane would mention the loss of her boyfriend. Enter Sebastian Bach. Lane wonders if he's lost. "I'm Gil!" he shouts, happy as a clam to be right where he's supposed to be. And as far as I'm concerned, Sebastian Bach is supposed to be Lane's new best friend. This is the man who lost his job at Jesus Christ Superstar supposedly because he wouldn't stop flashing the horns and stage-diving during the curtain call. Also, in the year 1989, I do believe my mom told me that the pretty boy on MTV would never be taken seriously until he cut off all of his long hair that made him look like a pretty boy. And since it rarely happens, I do love it when my mom is proven wrong. That scraggly-ass hair is exactly the same hair Sebastian tossed back with his hand while singing "18 and Life" and it's the same hair that's flipping around Lorelai's garage, when he hooks up his guitar and begins his audition, launching into a Jesus and Mary Chain song. I'm getting ahead of myself. So Sebastian Bach introduces himself and the others introduce themselves back. Brian, Lane, and (my friend) Todd Lowe all look nervous that this guy's arthritis might keep him from a wicked solo.
While preparing for the festival, Lorelai asks Kirk how his research is going. Kirk admits that he didn't realize Jesus wasn't in the Old Testament, so it got off to a slow start. Lorelai tells Taylor that the Renior costume still fits her like a glove. Taylor threatens to harm her if she makes him look foolish in front of Hank from Woodbury. He actually says there will be "hell to pay," and then has to apologize to Kirk. Enter the Troubadour. Yes, everybody's favorite useless townie. He's here for a fitting, which keeps him from walking around singing, which makes him somewhat more likable. He's the Judas to Kirk's Jesus, and so Kirk immediately hates him. The Troubadour doesn't pick up Kirk's hostility, and asks if everybody's going to Shakey's later. Kirk says they aren't, so the Troubadour says they'll do it some other time. "Yeah. Some other time," Kirk fronts.
Now Sebastian Bach is playing Jesus and Mary Chain. (My friend) Todd Lowe looks really sweaty in that room. You guys know that I can't truly recap my friend, right? It's not like I'm ever going to snark on him. I mean, I take my job seriously, but I don't want to be an asshole. So know that (my friend) Todd Lowe is there and if he were anybody else I might make a few snide comments here and there about how it's weird how often they make him say "dude" and I probably only notice it because of the way he says it and how he sounds "in real life" and blah blah blah diplomacycakes. The closed captioning, however, doesn't care if Todd's my friend, and describes his singing as "[indistinctly]." That might be because Todd's doing the Pixies cover of the Jesus and Mary Chain song. Sebastian Bach tells them that they're fantastic. Lane is clearly pleased with SB's playing, but mfTL and Brian are still hesitant. "It's tight, you know? It feels right," SB says.
SB excuses himself to call work: he runs a sandwich shop, and the place falls apart when he's gone. This gives Lane, Brian and mfTL time to debate the age difference between themselves and SB. Old jokes ensue. mfTL: "Just say it, dude. Grampa's old." Heh. "He sounded young on the phone," Lane admits. mfTL marvels at SB's crow's feet. "What is he...late thirties?" Brian asks. "Pushing forty," mfTL guesses. "He was alive before man walked on the moon," Brian marvels. I might add that Brian is wearing a t-shirt celebrating an event that happened in 1979, so perhaps he should keep his mouth shut. Lane says they shouldn't be overly dramatic, since SB is a great guitarist, causing mfTL to note that SB's had a lot of time for practice. "And the bicentennial," Brian frets. "He was alive for that!" Lane says that this is the best they've sounded since Dave. Brian: "He was our age when we were born. There were no CDs when he was born." mfTL tells Brian to stop it. Lane says there might be a way to offset his oldness, by putting him in a hat or an AC/DC outfit. "And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old." Is that a reference to Jimi Hendrix? It can't be John Lennon. Whom does that refer to? Suddenly I feel so young. The band members decide to keep auditioning with SB, but mfTL reminds them that a single vote can keep someone from joining the band. "So one vote against, and he's back at Bingo." Heh. SB comes back in and finishes his cell-phone call. "Kids, man," he says. "In one ear and out the other." He then screams that it's time for them to rock.
Jackson and Sookie's. The house is filled with "sad, droopy balloons." Lorelai has a large selection of ski vests we haven't seen the likes of since Marty McFly escaped the Libyans. Sookie's resting on the couch, following the advice of Bruce, their midwife. Bruce is a lady, and is being portrayed by Rusty Schwimmer, who has been in Six Feet Under, among other things (enter shameless self-serving plug here). Bo enters the living room here, on his own cell-phone call, loudly repeating that it's going to cost another fifty bucks to change his flight again, complaining that it's six-hours' worth of pay. After he hangs up the phone, he notes, "She sounded hot." Heh. Sookie suggests that Bo and Jackson go for a walk and do something. "But there's nothing to do in this hick town," Bo complains. "Not like Bogalusa." Jackson says he needs help picking the zucchini in the back. "Wow, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife," says Lorelai, playing with her gigantic skinny scarf.
Enter Bruce, who says that the bedroom is now prepared for "the baby." She says "the baby" like that, like it's in quotes. "There's someone new here," Bruce says, not happily, to Lorelai. Sookie introduces Lorelai as her best friend, and Bruce immediately intuits that Lorelai is anti-midwife. Lorelai says she's not the source of the anti-midwife energy Bruce is sensing, and Sookie backs Lorelai up. Bruce leaves for the bedroom. Lorelai notes that Bruce has strong hands. Sookie says that Bruce ate a whole jar of crunchy peanut butter in one sitting. Bruce walks by and tells Sookie to lie on her side. Because that's the position she's going to be in for delivering the baby, she wants Sookie to get used to it. "Less tearing this way," Bruce says, prompting Lorelai to beg her to get that image out of her head. Sookie tells Lorelai that Bruce spent two years in China. Lorelai: "Oh, I hear they've got great Chinese food there." Sookie and Lorelai guffaw; Bruce and I remain silent. Bruce asks Lorelai to leave the negativity at home when she's there for the baby's delivery. Lorelai swears she's not anti-midwife, and that being so would be as dumb as being anti-best friend. I'm biting my tongue, Lorelai. Bo and Jackson enter, bickering that Bo was kicking rather than picking Jackson's zucchinis. Bruce immediately puts them to work, saying that at all times they should be doing something to serve "the baby." She sends them out to buy new balloons and flowers for "the baby." The strummy starts as Lorelai sits erect. "She didn't give me any instructions," Lorelai worries. Sookie says it's probably best for Lorelai to remain still until further instruction.
Walking through Stars Hollow, Sookie and Lorelai say that even though Bruce was trying to get rid of them, taking a stroll was a good suggestion. Lorelai gives a shout-out to us and suggests that Bruce might have taken the baby and shoved a pillow under Sookie's clothes when she wasn't looking. Andrew walks up and marvels that Sookie hasn't "popped" yet: "It's like an elephant's gestation!" Kirk's now dressed as Jesus, saying that he's getting into character by focusing on historical foods. Kirk scoops some lentils from a bowl into his mouth. Lorelai asks if they didn't have utensils back then. "No, they had utensils," he says, and walks away. Taylor declares this event an unmitigated disaster. They're missing half of the Last Supper table, and Taylor assumes this is all Hank's doing. Miss Patty says that Hank swears they shipped everything they had. Sookie and Lorelai suggest that they only use half of the table, or use card tables and tv trays for a "funky" last supper. Miss Patty says that they could crowd the apostles around the table. Andrew suggests that they get rid of some of the apostles. Taylor says that this isn't going to work, and that they should just cancel the event. Miss Patty agrees. "No festival," Taylor says, retiring his pen to his clipboard. Sookie tells Lorelai that she needs to keep moving. Taylor tells everyone to start packing it in. "You would fold due simply to hardship?" Kirk asks, rising to his feet. "Would you follow blind guides which strain at a gnat and swallow a camel?" Miss Patty suggests that Kirk eat a candy bar. "Let him talk. What's the harm?" Andrew shouts, sounding like every '80s comedy cliché ever. Kirk begins preaching, taking center stage of the festival planners. "A crisis of faith can be delivered, but one must believe to be delivered." And The WB figures out a way to fit Christ into yet another one of their programs.
Speaking of delivery, Sookie sidles up to Luke, who's complaining that he won't make a Last Supper table for those freaks. "Anyone ask you to, Jose?" Lorelai asks. Luke says that they haven't, but that he knows they will. They figure out a way to discuss a townie who isn't even in this episode, Tom the contractor, until Luke asks Sookie if she's having twins. Sookie says she isn't. Luke says she looks like she's having twins. Sookie: "You're gonna make me fall in love with you, Luke." Luke complains that making a table like that with forced perspective would take hours. Lorelai reminds him that nobody's asked him to do it. "Not yet," Luke repeats.
Kirk is still preaching as Lorelai and Sookie walk to find some food. "There might be loaves and fishes," Lorelai says. "I had fish last night," Sookie grumps.
Babette finds Rory getting out of her car and warbles, "Dig those sounds coming out of that garage!" Babette is very impressed with the new guitarist, who she thinks is a total hottie: "Like a long-haired cake!" Rory says that Lane asked her to come down and "drink in the whole picture." Huh. That's two unrelated scenes in one episode with that exact phrase. I wish we'd seen the Babette/SB interaction instead of hearing about it afterward.
Rory is a little shocked at SB's age, but she's clearly impressed with the way the band sounds. She applauds when the song ends. "I gotta go," SB says. "Go rest," mfTL mumbles. SB says that the band's gonna be as famous as Pink Floyd. "Nice topical reference," mfTL chides. SB loads his guitar and leaves, saying they'll talk later. Never in the history of music has one musician broken down and left a building so quickly. Lane asks Rory what she thinks. "He's great," she says. She admits that SB is experienced, and that Babette thinks he's really cute: "So she's got dibs." Rory likes the way he jumped at the end of the song. "I thought he was going to break a hip," says mfTL. Lane says that SB is the band's only prospect. Brian says that the schoolboy outfit is worth a shot. mfTL says the bottom line is: "Dude rocks. But dude's too old." That's that, they decide, and that could be that for the band, too. Lane isn't happy with this decision.
Sookie shows up at Lorelai's house in the middle of the night. "It's not coming out!" Sookie cries. "It's lodged in there. It's stuck, for God's sake. It's not coming out!" She says she's forgotten what it's like not to be expanding, and will soon be the guy from Meaning of Life, exploding and sliming the whole room: "People could die." Lorelai gives Sookie a blanket, but Sookie's too angry about Andrew ("that pasty-faced bastard"). She walks around, jumping and bouncing, complaining that an elephant's gestation period is twenty-two months. Lorelai says that the baby doesn't think that Sookie is an elephant. Sookie says that the baby doesn't know because it's tiny and stupid and floating around in goo and might just think he's supposed to be in there forever. She worries that the elephant that shot something on her at the zoo when she was little shot some kind of gestation juice. That's the grossest sentence I've ever written. Lorelai asks where this freak-out came from. Sookie says that the ship's too big and the bottle's too small. She's been jumping, jiggling, and shimmying for hours, trying to get the baby out. She blames her mom for feeding her too much roughage as a kid, since now the baby's clinging to her rough insides. "I want booze," she says. "I want to give birth!" Lorelai says she'd give Sookie a hug if Sookie would sit still for one second. Sookie asks how Lorelai got her kid out. Lorelai: "I swallowed a map." Sookie asks why mothers never want to pass down their wisdom to other mothers: "You're selfish." Lorelai shows Sookie her baby box, something she made after Rory was born. It's filled with things from the night Rory was born. Her Walkman, with her mix tape of Nena, R.E.M., and Thomspon Twins. The Teen Beat magazine Lorelai was reading that night, debating Andrew McCarthy vs. Emilio Estevez. She pulls out a Bubbilicious necklace and a Chunky wrapper (Sookie takes the wrapper). Lorelai shows off the candy striper who gave her his number and told her to call when she got her figure back. "Sweet-talker," Sookie says. Sookie admits that she liked Emilio better, "'cuz he's kinda nasty." Awesome. Lorelai holds up Rory's first jumper, a Bananarama t-shirt that Lorelai turned into something baby-sized. She says it's the first thing she ever made ever in the post-Gilmore economy. Lorelai says that Rory was the most beautiful pink all over, and even smelled pink: "The first time her eyes focused on me and her little fingers reached out, I was someone new. She had me." Sookie, who is falling asleep, coos, "Emilio." Lorelai: "Rory."
The festival. It looks like it's happening indoors, but it's not. Taylor glares at Hank, who is sitting in the front row. Hank glares back.
Backstage, Miss Patty gives the five-minute call. Rory stops two kids and says they look so cute dressed as Chinese acrobats. She says she played the same part seven years ago. "You smell!" one of the kids growls. Didn't they already do this punchline this year of kids telling people they smell? "And we respected our elders when I was a Chinese acrobat," Rory says, going back to her makeup. "I hate kids," I think Andrew says. Kirk is happy with the way his Jesus is coming along. The Troubadour walks up and wants to sit to Kirk, but Kirk won't let him. Lorelai tells Rory that one of the acrobats said Lorelai's breath smells stinky. "They're running wild," she says. "Acro-brats, I call them," Rory says. Lorelai gives Rory her ferret, prompting them to decide that there are no such things as friendly or cute ferrets. Tell that to these guys. Miss Patty suggests that Taylor take up smoking to get out of her hair. Lorelai calls the ferret Taylor's cousin, and makes him say hello. Taylor complains that Hank is front and center, trying to psych him out. Rory asks Lorelai to talk more like the ferret. Miss Patty asks if Sookie's okay. Lorelai says she's fine. Rory asks if Sookie was shaking Rory in the middle of the night, asking her what motivated her to come out of her mother. Lorelai says that Sookie got a little spooked. She admires Rory's costume. "I feel very painty," Rory says. Lorelai leaves to go change. "Freeze good," she says. Kirk says he's ready. Lorelai points out that he's still wearing his Gumby/Pokey watch. Kirk says it's a collectible, and not a kid's toy.
Taylor starts the festival, which is in its 43rd year. The festival, considering it's for all of Connecticut, is a rather sparsely-attended affair. Taylor says that Woodbury was supposed to host this year, but due to the "little moisture over there," they basically said "Oh, well, whatever, never mind." Hello, hello, hello, how low. Taylor says that Stars Hollow was happy to step in to continue this vital tradition. Everyone applauds.
Andrew is hitting on the Art Nouveau Clock Girl. Miss Patty says that the fire department has shown up because some "dingbat" parked in the red zone. She wants to know who parked there. Kirk looks guiltily into his bible. That's when the Troubadour squeals. "You Judas!" Kirk bellows. Miss Patty tells him to move his car. Who would drive to the town square, anyway? Kirk asks the Troubadour why he doesn't kiss Kirk on the cheek before he betrays him. "You're gonna get towed," the Troubadour whines. Kirk tells him to stay away. The Troubadour says he's tired of Kirk's "holier-than-thou attitude." Kirk storms off. Miss Patty tells Rory that she's on. They open with the new piece? Miss Patty asks Art Nouveau Clock Girl for her lighter.
Taylor gets to loop the correct pronunciation of "Girolamo Parmigianino" in ADR later, but they don't bother matching it up too well. (Also: I can't find proof of this painting anywhere. Anyway, cue Rory, in costume, standing behind a curtain, as if she's in a frame. People applaud. Rory stands very still.
Hank looks disgruntled.
Miss Patty quietly calls five minutes until The Last Supper.
Patty walks in to find Kirk and the Troubadour in a fistfight. She tells the apostles to get in there and stop them from fighting. "If I've re-pulled my calf muscle, you are so getting it!" Kirk shouts. The Troubadour tells Kirk to un-pull it with one of his handy miracles. "You're a blasphemer and a traitor!" Kirk shouts. "And let's face it. You're unattractive!" Miss Patty yells for them to get their butts on stage.
Taylor introduces The Last Supper. Huh. So much for anything to do with Rory's painting getting a storyline, like Rory flinching or winking or something. ["Pamie, get real. Rory wouldn't do anything to screw it up. She is perfect. -- Wing Chun] Taylor goes on and on about the painting.
Kirk and the Troubadour are still fighting about Shakey's as they take their places behind the table. Bickering, bickering, bickering. Miss Patty threatens to shove the papier-mâché rolls down their throats, and calls curtain.
The curtain opens. Applause. I guess Luke made the rest of the table. Nobody fights. Nothing happens. Everybody just do their job. Huh. So much for that storyline.
Rory -- who has nothing but respect for her fellow actor -- is in the audience, asking Lane if she did a good job. Lane -- who is obligated by law always to put Rory first -- tells her that she wasn't upstaged by the ferret. Rory points out SB. Lane says she was going to call him tomorrow with the bad news, but that she doesn't want to be rude, so she'll say a quick hello and tell him she'll call him tomorrow.
Lane walks over to SB, who is enjoying this trippy scene. He saw the flyer and couldn't resist. "Cool. Great. Yeah," says Lane. SB tells Lane not to sweat it, and that he picked up the vibe that he's not in the band because of the age difference. He says he knows it's a little weird, but that it's cool. Lane says that SB is a great guy and a great guitarist, so someone should scoop him up in no time. SB says he's going to keep going, and not repeat last time. Lane -- who was about two when Skid Row was ruling -- gets a little history lesson from SB. He says he had the hottest band in L.A., and was playing at the Whiskey and the House of Blues. He says they had demo and were about to be signed. They got an opening slot on a national tour with Quiet Riot. Wait. There was no House of Blues when Quiet Riot had a national tour. Anyway, Sebastian Bach says his band broke up before the tour started over money and chicks. He says it killed him, so he put down his guitar and got a day job. Then a few months ago he started playing again and he realized how much he missed it: "And that's how you got my tape." He says he's not giving up this time, no matter how long it takes. He thanks Lane for letting him play with her band: "It was a blast." Lane says he'd better get used to playing with them, because he's in the band. "No way!" SB shouts. "Way," Lane says back. I can't believe Kirk hasn't shouted a disgruntled "Christ!" from the noise. SB celebrates, and tells his wife and kids that he's in the band. Everyone cheers.
"Our guitarist is married," Lane tells Rory. "And you made his kids happy, too," Rory says. The curtain closes on The Last Supper. People applaud.
Backstage, the Troubadour complains that Kirk watched the first two Matrix movies on DVD with his other apostles. "Get away from me!" Kirk whines.
Luke cleans his diner. Nicole enters, making Luke do that ridiculous script cliché where someone starts a sentence, sees who's at the door and then lets that last word trail off as a hello. Nicole says there's a lot of nuttiness outside. Luke says, "Nuttiness." Nicole says it again. Luke admits that he fixed Christ's table. "He's' a carpenter," Nicole notes. "He should have fixed it himself." Luke's about to meet the real queen of segues: "Speaking of nuttiness...you and me?" She says it's funny that getting married is what broke them up: "Gotta love the irony." Luke admits that it is "a little ironic." Nicole says that getting married was wrong, but adds that rushing into the divorce might be wrong, too. She asks if they can have what they had before -- being two people who enjoy each other's company. She asks if they can postpone the divorce, and date. She says it sounds stupid, but doesn't feel stupid.
Taylor asks for applause again for Picasso's Guernica. Hee. Taylor introduces The Reaper, which is being reproduced on the town's gazebo. Andrew poses on a rotating stage.
Miss Patty says that the statue is done. Lorelai is almost done applying her makeup. Miss Patty says that Lorelai and Terrence are up , so they should be ready. Isn't it like this episode has absolutely nothing to do with the season we've been watching? It could have aired last week or the week before and it wouldn't have made a difference. Anyway, Lorelai's feeling the pressure, and is snapping at Miss Patty and Rory.
Rory follows Lorelai to the stage, where Lorelai freaks out. She admits that she really did flinch seven years ago. Hey, what happened to that awesome dress that Lorelai wanted to wear; the one that fit her like a glove? Lorelai's in jeans and a white shirt. I'm not really into recapping this scene because they use the joke "Stevie Wonder could have seen it," and I really dislike recapping jokes from 1982. Rory pep-talks Lorelai, who's complaining that her bones are more fragile now and that she's a Weeble (1975-ish) who might wobble. Rory doesn't even have the words for the pep talk, and the girls sort of flounder around trying to think of how to end the scene. I liked this episode a lot more when I watched it at 2 in the morning last week. I'm rethinking my A- now. Rory tells Lorelai to close her eyes and think of England and know that Rory loves her. Miss Patty asks Rory if Lorelai is going to flinch. Rory doesn't have an answer.
Hank gives another begrudging smirk when Taylor calls their evening triumphant, and I guess that's supposed to resolve the Hank/Taylor storyline, because Taylor introduces Lorelai's Renoir painting. The curtain opens. The dress is totally a painting, you guys. Lorelai and Terrence are coming out of the painting like Phoebe's Gladys from the Friends episode this week. And this is when Lorelai's pager goes off (is she still wearing it on her jeans, the ones behind the painting?). I knew it was coming, but it still made me giggle, but that's probably because it was 3 in the morning when I was watching it. Everybody looks around as Rory shouts, "Oh, no, no, no, no!" Miss Patty actually says "Oy to the vey." But Lorelai doesn't flinch. She stands very still as the time runs down. The curtain closes, and Taylor exhales. People applaud, not too enthusiastically. Taylor closes out the evening by thanking everyone. He calls the evening a success again and smirks toward Hank. He bids adieu and the thirty people in the audience clap again. (They look pretty cold.) Lorelai and Rory run, holding hands, from behind the curtain. I guess this is why Lorelai was in jeans and not the dress, but it's a shame that they mentioned the dress more than twice as a reason for Lorelai to land the part in the first place. Anyway, the strummy/la takes us out as Rory and Lorelai run toward Sookie's and we come to a close without a promo for week. But we know the sex of Sookie's baby. You don't have to keep it a secret from us!