Previously doesn't matter because none of those storylines will be carried over here. I like that they include a segment with Michel so that we remember who he is.
We open at Friday dinner. Rory, Lorelai, and Richard are eating. Emily is missing from her seat. As Emily enters the room, Rory offers Richard more broccoli. Richard gloats that broccoli staves off the cancer. "Staves off my appetite," Lorelai quips. Emily tells her to eat more green things, so Lorelai promises to eat a five-dollar bill later. Rory says that the new twenties have a peach color in them. Lorelai is pleased, because eating one of those would now satisfy her requirements of both fruit and vegetables.
Rory asks about the trip to Atlantic City. Richard had a great time; Emily didn't. Emily complains that walking the boardwalk is like upending a trashcan in your yard and then traipsing through it. Richard uncharacteristically says the word "gross." Apparently, the trip was a success for their hooker-loving, gambling-addict clients. Lorelai and Rory wonder how much a hooker charges to talk to a client. "Depends on what they're doing when they're talking to you," Rory jokes, and Emily chastises Rory: "I expect that from your mother, but not you." Emily complains that Digger was in his element in that sleazy place, and wonders if their outing together will be Spring Break in Cancun, doing shots off people's bellies. Lorelai complains about Emily's choice of words, adding that it's okay for Emily to do shots off of Richard's belly, because they are married. Richard gives Lorelai and Rory miniature roulette wheels they had made up, with the company logo on them. Emily complains about their tackiness, but Lorelai and Rory find the toys cute. "They're the antithesis of class," Emily complains. "So like Digger." Richard says that Digger prefers to be called "Jason" now, which is why I'll keep calling him "Digger."
Emily asks to change the subject, so Lorelai abruptly obliges by asking if they've read any of Rory's articles in the Yale student newspaper. A freshman gets stories printed in the Yale paper? I think not. Richard and Emily have somehow read them all already, and compliment Rory on her pieces. Rory explains that she's not even on staff yet, and that these are "tryout articles." She has to write one for every section, and if she passes, then she gets on staff. Richard compliments Rory's lacrosse article. (Too bad we don't get to see Rory pretend to know anything about sports, leaving her to have to call up CuteDean and ask for pointers.) Lorelai says that the article almost made her give a "flying you-know-what" about lacrosse. Emily says a sentence describing another one of Rory's articles that includes the words "quadrangle" and "divinity," so my brain shut off. Emily brags that she and Richard are laminating all of Rory's articles. I pause for a second, trying to figure out what it would look like if every article, interview, recap, or news blurb on me had been laminated. What would my mom do with all of that crap? Where would she keep it? How much does upkeep on a laminating machine cost? Would my mom always smell like hot plastic? Lorelai cheers, because she got her number on the roulette wheel, and you know that's the end of the scene even though they drag out another ten minutes of silence.
Because my recaplet won't be up for very long, I'd like to reprint it here, since it's a good explanation of why I think this recap won't be very long, and why there's no point in dwelling on the ins and outs of this episode like I normally would. I think the point of this episode was to touch briefly on everything we wished we could see, from Lane talking about Dave to Michel to Rory at school, without actually getting anywhere with anyone. So here's the recaplet:
My job in this recaplet is to tell you what happened in this episode. My job this week is easy. Ready? Here's what happened: nothing. Maybe the tertiary characters have taken over the asylum so much that, in order to get everyone a signature line or two, nobody gets a fleshed-out storyline. How much do you think an episode costs these days? In this hour alone we have Luke, Nicole, Lane, MamaLane, Paris, Tana, Janet, Sookie, Bruce, Davey (damn you, Daniel Palladino, and your tendency to have all exciting action happen off-screen. You tease us with Sookie's pregnancy for a year and then rob us of her having a scene where she welcomes her son into the world? Screw all of you for that. Babies are what November sweeps were invented for!), Digger, Emily, Richard, and Michel. To top it off, enter brand-new characters of Personality-less Yale Editor Boy and Angry Ballerina. Don't get attached; I'm sure neither of them will be making another appearance. We sort of get a little bit of an update with Lane and Dave: apparently they're just peachy, which is bullshit, because any eighteen-year-old girl whose boyfriend is on the other side of the country isn't that well-adjusted. She's on the phone, she's crying, she's writing letters, and she's saving every dime to visit him. She talks about him constantly, asking everyone if they think she's doing the right thing by waiting on him. Nicole and Luke? They're fine. Lorelai? Fine. Sookie and her baby? Fan-fucking-tastic. Digger? Aside from five minutes of food discussion, he's pretty much just taking up oxygen, but in an oh-so-cheeky way. You can see the awesome storylines just past everyone's reach, and that's what's so frustrating. This show used to be about relationships -- particularly cross-generational conflicts -- and had touching moments where people grew up a little and learned something. This show used to have romance, and flirting, and the tender heartbreak of vulnerability. Now we've got chatter. Pointless chatter. I miss my show. But if the point of this episode was for Daniel Palladino to tell me that it's okay to vote this episode a C+ with no hard feelings, then point taken. Thanks, Dan, for knowing when I'm just doing my job.
Okay? Moving on. Yale's newspaper office. Paris is complaining to Rory about having to jump through hoops with these "tryout articles," arguing that it's an arcane practice. Rory thinks it's a "time-honored tradition." Rory can't find her review of the chamber-music recital in the paper. Paris complains that the paper prints everything they write, no matter how bad it is: "They'd print my mattress tag if it was in the right margins." Rory says her article isn't there. Paris says it just means parakeets will be crapping on something else in the morning. She complains that all of the bagels are stale.
Enter the editor guy, who I learn from the forums that he's Danny Strong from Buffy. Those four words in that order mean nothing to me. He could be Strong Buffy from Danny and I'd make the same face of fake acknowledgment. But his name on the show is Doyle. Anyway, the kid's about 5'3", and immediately offers Rory a Starbucks coffee mint, saying he's addicted to them: "So is Bob Woodward. So I hear. Not that I'm copying him." Rory asks if she had turned her article in late, causing it not to appear in the paper. Doyle tells Rory that it didn't run because it was yawn-worthy. Snoozeville. Take that, Rory! Your perfection is marred. Marred! Doyle tells her not to sweat it, and that she'll do better time. Rory immediately looks to the floor, because those are words that people reserve for losers, and Rory's never had a "time" before, and this is all so confusing. And why didn't they let Rory have a breakdown here? Or at least let her fume to someone, mortified that this has happened? Why can't she and Paris break into the copy room late at night and rearrange her article so it's on the cover? Something. Something! But, no. Rory's handling it with the calm collectedness we normally see in freshman girls. Doyle tells Rory that his mother liked the recital, since she's old. Paris freaks out when she hears that Rory's article didn't get in, until she flips the paper open and sees that her own article got in. Paris smiles and sighs with relief. She leaves to get a bagel.
Lorelai can't believe that Doyle used the word "yawn," and tells Rory so as they walk through Stars Hollow with Lane. Lorelai offers up The WB's official curse word to call Doyle a "jerk." I've mentioned this before, but I hate that this network always uses the word "jerk" when they mean any kind of cussword. Nobody calls anybody a jerk. ["I do, but I agree that it's overused on The WB." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai and Lane tell Rory that Doyle should have been more diplomatic in his criticism, and not as insulting. Rory says she was tired when she wrote it, so it probably wasn't her best work. She says that she should write her articles before she studies. Hey, Rory: your nightlife is crazy yawn. Lorelai says that Doyle needs "more learnin'." Lane goes way back to scripts from the '80s to say, "Kick him where the sun don't shine." What? Lorelai tells Lane she's not good at threats. Lane says she knows, and that she hates that about herself. Rory smiles and decides to chalk this whole thing up to experience. La, la, la-lah, lah-lah, lah, la, LA, laaaaahhhhhh!
Lane asks what time it is. It's five to 4. That means it's five minutes before Dave calls Lane, so Lane says she should get home. Ya think? Lorelai asks if "we're" still mad at Dave. Lane says that we aren't mad at Dave at all. She and Dave are just perfect. Lorelai says it must be that they're mad at Jackson. Rory says they aren't. Lorelai says they must be mad at Gypsy's husband. Rory says that Gypsy isn't married. Lorelai says that this will bug her. It's Jess, Lorelai. It's Jess we're mad at. And Christopher. And even Max, a little, I guess. You're usually mad at Emily, Lor. And Taylor. And I think you were mad at Traci Lords. Lane says that Dave is great, even though he's thousands of miles away, and seems a little jealous that they've replaced him in the band. "And that's why we're mad at him!" Lorelai concludes. Rory says they aren't mad at Dave. Lane says she misses him. Rory has the line to make everybody get their hopes up falsely: "Well, he'll be home for Christmas, right?" Lane says he'd better be. She doesn't know? Why can't Lane and Dave have a real long-distance relationship? Why can't Lane be as cool as she used to be? Why isn't anyone having any kind of relationship this year -- one that makes us feel something, even if it's the hatred we used to have when Jess would mistreat Rory? At least we felt something then. Crap. This season got so blah that it makes me miss Jess! What has happened to me? I'm dying for conflict so much I'd rather watch something I hate than something that is like turning off my brain for an hour.
Lorelai has reached Sookie's, so Rory tells her to say hi to the baby for her. Yeah, Sookie had a baby and we got none of it, from Jackson finding out the sex of his child (thanks for three episodes of that pointless bullshit), to a year of Sookie getting nervous about not being a good mother (it would have been nice to see the second she stopped freaking and thought she could maybe do this), to the last-minute decision to have the baby at home, to Lorelai and her pager, to -- whatever. I don't need a very-special episode called "Davey's Home," or whatever, but if I'm not going to get one, then don't tease it like the baby will have a point. This baby's going to be less visible than Rachel's Emma, I'm sure.
Michel is waiting on Sookie's porch when Lorelai arrives, because Sookie won't let Michel in the house. He sneezed, and Sookie doesn't want Michel's germs near the baby. I'm surprised we even get to see the baby. Michel incorrectly compares himself to Rosa Parks. He says that he sneezed because there was dust up his nose, and not because he's sick. He thinks it'll be difficult for them to have a business meeting with him outside.
Lorelai and Sookie enter the house. No, Jackson's not there. And no, there's no flurry of activity like what usually happens when there's a newborn in the house. And Sookie? She appears to be a mom just fine, so whatever. And no, the baby's not called Emilio, either. Lorelai talks serious baby talk to Davey, stealing his nose permanently. Sookie says that Davey said his first word the other day, "Ah-oopah." The geeky child-development person in me -- the one who spent a year as a double major in speech disorders -- knows that the baby couldn't have made that sound, because it's a mash of noises baby's mouths don't make that early. But you know, that would be way too geeky for me to point out, even though I just did, accidentally, to explain to you why I shouldn't point it out. Michel interrupts the baby talk to ask the women if he should throw up on the bushes or the grass. Lorelai asks if he likes babies. Michel says he's never been near one, and thought today might be his chance.
Lorelai brought pastries for everyone, but Michel thinks that sitting alone outside eating a pastry might be too depressing, even for him. He asks to start the meeting. Lorelai says that the Dragonfly is officially demo-ed, to the point that it doesn't look like it could ever be a pretty inn. Michel complains about the "big, flying things" out on the porch. Bruce enters, and we learn that she's also a lactation specialist. Lorleai and Michel both simultaneously make amusing responses. We find out that the home birth was "amazing to watch." Really, Lorelai? We wouldn't know. Thanks for the one-word description of life. Bruce asks if Lorelai was the one talking baby talk. Bruce believes, as does my mother, that children should never be talked down to using cutsey-wootsie baby talk. Bruce says it stunts a child's language acquisition. You might disagree because you love your wittle bundle of wowsie-powsie, but Mom always talked to me like I was an actual person. I learned my alphabet at thirteen months and was reading books just after a year later. Hard to argue with that, I guess. I've only recently started meeting babies, since my friends are all about that age now, and I had no idea what thirteen months looks like. I spent some time with a thirteen-month-old the other day. They're small. Yep, you heard it hear first. Babies are tiny. And they aren't the best conversationalists, even when you're chatting with them like tiny people, as Lorelai does to Davey after her scolding from Bruce. Bruce leaves to return in five minutes, and Sookie tells Lorelai that Bruce also volunteers her services for needy people. "It's okay," Lorelai giggles, as if Sookie was apologizing. Michel freaks out a little more about the bugs on the porch. Lorelai holds an imaginary conversation with Davey until Bruce comes back into the room. Michel gets attacked by "green things," and runs around the porch. Bruce tells Sookie it's time to feed. Lorelai declares this to have been a very productive meeting.
Rory turns in her latest assignment using the old-school method of writing it on a piece of paper. They talk about the New Zoo Review, and I'm tempted to tell you I don't know who these animals are, but I'm still getting about twenty emails a day with links to Rory's portrait online and according to you guys the guy who died in the '80s was either the second lead singer for AC/DC or someone in Led Zeppelin. Instead, I'll tell you that I miss Gary Gnu from the Great Space Coaster. He was funny. Doyle bleeds red all over Rory's article, and tells Rory she's showing progress. Rory asks if this is some kind of hazing. Doyle says that this is how it works, and that it isn't personal. Rory whines that she rewrote the article four times and researched it thoroughly. Doyle tells her not to worry so much about the facts, and that what he's looking for his her opinion on the piece. I do believe this is how Stephen Glass got inspired. Doyle tells her not to worry, but to make sure this one is good. And um, you know, whatever, end of scene.
Rory is taking her mom on a date to the thing she has to review. This is a ballet. Lorelai is impressed with their fancy seats (which have the most elaborate golden "reserved" signs I've ever seen). Lorelai tries to pep-talk Rory, who is bummed about her recent non-published status. Lorelai: "You need chocolate." "Chocolate and talent," Rory adds. Rory says that she might have peaked in high school, and that she's not cut out for college papers. Lorelai reminds her that Yale is in a different league than the Chilton paper. As the lights go down, Lorelai tells Rory that she loves her important seats. And in their important seats in the front of the house, Lorelai and Rory begin talking not quietly about how much they dislike the ballet. We don't see it, but I guess the dancers stumble in the beginning, almost dropping each other, slipping all over the place. At least the other audience members are uncomfortable, too, but it might be because their production looks like an episode with Mystery Science Theatre 3000 with Lorelai and Rory chatting it up in front of them. Lorelai says that the dancer's kick to her partner gave new meaning to the word "Nutcracker." Rory giggles and writes that zinger down. Someone finally shushes them.
Cut to later, when Rory and Lorelai are stunned, still in their seats after the show has ended. They can't believe how terrible it was. "I'm in physical discomfort," Rory says. Lorelai concludes that the lead ballerina must not have any friends, or one of them might have told her about the roll of fat hanging over her bra strap. Rory wonders how many times she can use the word "blows" in an article before it becomes redundant. She could ask Jon Stewart, who recently used that word about four times in one episode to describe the third Matrix movie. ["And not too often, because seriously, really, it bloooooooows." -- Wing Chun] Rory says she has to write about her opinions in this article. Lorelai's opinion is that the end curtain came down way too slowly: "If Vincent Gallo could just see this, he'd feel a whole lot better about Brown Bunny." Boo, says Stee. I say that Vincent Gallo doesn't feel the slightest bit upset about Brown Bunny, and that it was Ebert that Palladino meant to reference.
Doyle likes Rory's article and calls it "nice." He adds that she did a great job, and hands it off to someone to take it to layout. This time, Rory takes the coffee mint.
MamaLane's shop. A man is complimenting MamaLane on some piece he's just purchased. MamaLane tells him that it's very fragile, so he should keep it away from young children. "We don't have children," he says. "You should," MamaLane says, opening her front door. "Everyone should have children." The world according to MamaLane is a complex one. MamaLane gives Lane a large box to ship to Dave in California. I guess MamaLane likes that Lane and Dave are dating, and doesn't mind that the last time we saw MamaLane she was getting told off by a "drunk" Lane about how much she likes Dave. In the months and months since we've seen MamaLane, she's had time to cool off about it all, and now wants Lane to send Dave presents on her behalf. Lane is shocked when she sees what's inside the box. It's a jug.
Michel walks with Lorelai somewhere, at some time, whatever, and says he did some research and determined that Bruce was right: babies shouldn't hear baby talk. He called all of his friends and relatives with babies and told them to stop talking to them immediately -- stop completely -- to avoid retarding anything in their children. Lorelai begins baby-talking to Michel, because she likes talking baby talk and needs someone to talk it to. Suddenly I have another reason to be thankful we never saw any love scenes with Max and Lorelai (scary salami nipple aside). Michel leaves, and Lorelai enters Luke's.
Lorelai didn't get the memo about Nicole being back, and does a really crappy job at hiding her utter horror and disappointment. Nicole does a pretty lame job hiding the fact that she's taking great glee in watching Lorelai squirm. Lorelai has the audacity to ask Nicole if Luke even knows she's back. Nicole says he's in the back: "Do you want him?" Lorelai shouts, "No! I don't want him! I don't want him!" Heh. I'm now recapping from the hollow in Nicole's collarbone, which is so deep and pronounced that I'm currently bathing in it. Nicole, cool as a cucumber, lets Lorelai know she's back, she's there, and this is where she's supposed to be. Lorelai suddenly remembers that she just ate, and awkwardly excuses herself. Nicole gives a Cheshire-cat grin as she eats a piece of a french fry. (Not too much, Nicole! Wouldn't want to lose those ice-chipping collarbones!) If Nicole will be the one person in Stars Hollow to give Lorelai shit for her belief that she is the world's axis, then I wholly welcome Nicole to Stars Hollow. Give her the key, I say.
Lane calls Rory. Lane is freaking out. She got in a huge fight with Dave because of MamaLane. She says that MamaLane wanted Lane to give Dave her special marriage jug, a jug that has been passed down for generations from Kim females to boy suitors when the girls are ready to get married. MamaLane told Lane about it when she was little. Rory says that this is serious, and that she had forgotten all about the marriage jug. Lane says she didn't, because she's been staring at it her whole life. She used to think it was a nice little tradition, but now that she's faced with handing it over, she doesn't want to. She and Dave got into a fight about it, because Dave freaked out when Lane told him about the jug. Lane's a little hurt that Dave was so down on the idea, even though she's not interested in getting married yet, either. They're both in school and they are so young. Rory says she's seen enough young marriages these days, giving a shout-out to all WB programming. Lane says she'll have to talk to her mother about it. Rory sees that someone has written "Die, Jerk" on the whiteboard on her dorm room door. They wrote it in comic sans, too! And without a comma! If anything, it's some kind of German: Die Jerk. Paris opens the door quickly, thinking that the person who vandalized their door might have been outside again. She says they're assembling inside. Rory gets off the phone with Lane.
"Fun stuff, huh, guys?" Rory asks. Stee tells me that this isn't a shout-out to Djb and me, but I'm not so sure. By the way, shout-out to whomever it was on the forum who said Tana dresses like one of Annie's orphan friends. That's effin' funny. Paris wants to find out who did this and strike back before they're hit again, going "total Sharon on this." She asks them to make a list of any enemies they might have. She knows that she's the most likely target, so she made up a list that she's narrowed down from twenty-six to five, just in this building. Janet confesses that there's a girl on the volleyball team who is livid at Janet for kissing her boyfriend. Tana offers that she's exceedingly dull. Tana and Janet asks if Rory's made anyone angry lately. Paris says that's about as likely as Dorothy pissing off the Tin Man. Paris says her "East Side 8-6-0 partners" are already on her five suspects. Rory asks Tana if she'd like to watch television: "Something light." We leave the scene here.
Later at Luke's, Lorelai returns with an agenda. She wants Luke to admit that he's seeing Nicole again, but of course he pretends he's too busy to know what she's talking about and she pretends she's too annoying to come right out and ask him. But yes, Luke is seeing Nicole again. Lorelai teases Luke for not going through with the divorce -- for putting it "on hold." Lorelai asks if they'll file joint taxes. Luke says he's not doing his taxes right now. Lorelai says that this is weird. She concludes that Rory would think it was weird as well. Luke says that they're not dealing with this right now, and instead, they're going to go with the flow, letting things happen as they happen. Lorelai laughs in his face and calls him a hippie. She says she's not giving him a wedding present, either. Luke asks if she doesn't like Nicole. Lorelai says she doesn't think Nicole likes her. Luke says that he missed Nicole, and she missed him, so they're dating right now and putting off the hassle of getting a divorce. This is too much for Lorelai to bear, because somehow decisions were made that weren't in her best interest, so she teases Luke about all of the other things that might be considered too much of a hassle, like eating, or moving, or getting her corpse cleaned up after she dies. Shut up, Lorelai. Go date something.
Rory's at dinner in the Yale cafeteria. A guy comes up to her and says that someone was looking for her, but that it's probably best if she doesn't get found. Then another stranger walks up to Rory and calls her brave. Isn't Rory popular? The stranger adds, "If you hear the rustle of tulle coming up behind you -- run." The stranger walks away. Rory sits down. She sees a man pointing at her, telling a girl, "Yeah, she's over there." The girl makes a beeline over to Rory. She asks Rory if she remembers her. Rory doesn't. "That's very flattering," the girl says. Rory asks if she can help her -- and in this incredibly snotty tone, by the way. At least have the decency to recognize someone you eviscerated the night before. The girl reminds Rory that she said she had the grace of a drunken dock worker. "Oh. The ballerina from the ballet," Rory realizes. "Your outfits are made of tulle, aren't they?" The ballerina -- obviously not majoring in English -- shouts, "You're a jerk!" Rory says she saw that on her door, and asks if they should go somewhere else. The ballerina then says, "Your review was mean and petty and despicable!" Are you talking to Rory, or are you talkin' to me, Sandra the ballerina? Rory says that this was in the line of duty (dirty!) and an assignment, so it was nothing personal. "You called me a hippo!" Sandra whines. Rory says she was only comparing Sandra to a hippo, which isn't the same thing. Rory says that probably very few people read the review, and nobody likes ballet anyway, so there was no harm done. Nice, Rory. Rory says it's an unfortunate and awful truth, but that it's Avril Lavigne's world, and they're just living in it. Why doesn't Sandra dump some food on Rory's head? Rory says that most people left before the end, but she stuck it out, which is saying something. Rory is a jerk. Sandra asks Rory how much dance experience she has. Rory says she only has a few years of beginner's class, and she stank. Sandra brags that she's been dancing three hours a day every day for fourteen years, has done two summer sessions with the Miami Ballet, and is on the waiting list for Juilliard. She calls Rory a jerk a few more times: "And I hope you die. Bye, Jerk! Die, Jerk!" Man. That girl was annoying. I'm glad she got knocked down a notch. Also: that's the biggest ballerina I've ever seen. Is there some kind of fake Juilliard that she might have been referring to? Paris realizes that the door was about Rory and dials someone on her cell phone to call off the strike.
Emily's. It must be Friday. I love Lorelai's dress. She asks Emily why she's tenser than usual. Emily complains that she can't get Richard out of his office, and that he's been in there with Digger doing "computer-y" things all day. She asks when they suddenly became so dependent on computers. Richard walks out holding his iBook. He's impressed with the new wireless network that Digger set up for their house. Everybody's wireless but me, it seems. Suddenly Emily has forgotten that Lorelai and Digger knew each other as kids, even though she's the one who told Richard this very thing in the episode in which we met Digger. Richard walks around the house, testing the connection. He tells Emily that he's going to Google her. Emily is offended at Richard's language. He complains when he finds a patch where the service breaks, over in a corner by the stairs. How long before we find out that Digger has stolen all of Richard's money and the Gilmores are completely broke and they have to go and live in Lorelai's inn? I hope it's before the end of the season, because I'm getting a little bored.
Emily leaves to check on dinner. Lorelai and Digger make small talk that I don't enjoy. Apparently, Digger has been sending Lorelai flowers constantly. She says she thought it was Jason Priestley, adding that she probably shouldn't have slept with Jason Priestley until she had found out for sure who was sending her flowers. Lorelai tells Digger that she's getting horses at her inn. Like a nine-year-old, she mentions ponies for no reason. Digger suggests that they get married at the inn. Lorelai says that Emily probably isn't happy with the new wired state of the home. Digger says he can't win with Emily. Lorelai says that the more she hates him, the less she takes it out on Lorelai. Digger says that the more Emily hates him, the more Lorelai will go out with him. Lorelai says that might not be the case. Digger says he's got to make progress with Emily, so he might try to get her to invite him to dinner. Lorelai says there's no way he could get Emily to invite him to dinner. Digger asks if there would be a problem with his staying for dinner. Lorelai says there's no need to find out, because he won't be invited. Rory shows up, and asks if this is the famous Scooper. Hee! Digger says he doesn't like being called "Digger" anymore. "What is it, P. Digger now?" Lorelai asks. Rory says she'll call him "Jason."
Richard tells Digger that he hit F12, and now everything's a mess. Digger leaves to help Richard. Rory tells Lorelai that things are surreal on a whole new level now. She tells Lorelai about the ballerina. Rory has brought the review for Lorelai to read. Lorelai can't believe how harsh Rory was, including using the bra strap and hippo remarks. She says it seems meaner in print. Rory says that the ballerina couldn't fit into a standard leotard, and that it's the costumer's fault. "It's just so specific," Lorelai complains. Rory says she did what her editor told her to do. Lorelai says she did the right thing. Rory decides she was too harsh.
Emily enters, complaining that Richard's not ready for dinner yet. Richard and Digger come back into the room. Emily is shocked that Digger is still there. Digger smarms that he wouldn't leave without saying goodbye. Digger plays the martyr, saying he'll be stopping at a hamburger stand on his way home to pick up his dinner, until Richard says that Digger should stay for dinner. (They skip a good joke here when Richard asks Emily when the last time was that she had a cheeseburger. "Atlantic City" would have been a good deadpan answer.) Emily doesn't want to invite Digger, and tries to say there's not enough food, but Richard insists until Emily asks Digger to stay for dinner. Lorelai is impressed, because Lorelai is drawn to asshole-ish, smarmy types who eventually let you down with how selfish they are. I hope Richard gets an earful from Emily tonight.
Dinner. Digger compliments the lobster thermidor. Lorelai asks if you can thermidor any other foods. Emily says she doesn't think so. She tells the maid that they may have to skimp tonight, because they have unexpected guests. Richard corrects Emily again. Digger tells Richard that the high-speed internet access will free up his time. "How?" Emily asks along with me. Digger says that Richard will use email more so that he can have conversations in shorter periods of time. Wrong. All email does is make it easier to misunderstand and delay conversations that need to happen immediately, so that a topic can take days to resolve when a simple five-minute phone conversation would suffice. Emily says that email seems cold to her. "But fast," Digger says. Also, Richard will be hanging out on forums like ours, because having high-speed internet access makes it that much easier to procrastinate. It's taking Solitaire and making it talk back. I'm adding a little sidenote here that has nothing to do with anything to mention that there's thunder outside right now because a storm is coming. I don't think I've heard thunder in the three years I've been living in Los Angeles. In fact, it's filling me with such nostalgia for Texas that I want a breakfast taco and a Shiner Bock. The table then does a giant advertisement for the internet. Lorelai says it's not just porn anymore. Rory admits that she's on it constantly. Have we gone back in time to 1999, when I had this conversation with my own parents? Lorelai says that Emily can do a lot of shopping online. Emily says she likes going to stores and seeing people and touching shoes. She likes having people help her pick stuff out or exchange it. Lorelai says that they usually forget to return things when they buy them online, and just eat the money. Lorelai and Rory decide to go to real stores more often. I don't know how Lorelai would be able to dress from every shop on Melrose if she stops buying her clothes online. Digger reminds everyone that the internet is "really good."
Richard asks which camp Lorelai and Digger met at. They make camp-related small talk. Digger tells Rory that he met her father at camp. "Dad?" Rory says, as if she had forgotten along with us that there was ever a character named Christopher. Digger says that Christopher was a good guy. "He hated you," Lorelai says. This pleases Emily. Lorelai reminds Digger that Christopher gave him a swirly. Digger sheepishly admits that he had it coming. I hate Digger.
Emily says that they loved Rory's review on the ballet. Man, that Yale paper circulates fast. Is it a daily? Rory says she was trying to be honest. "Well, you honestly sliced her open and ripped out her guts," Richard cheers. "Your pen was your knife," Emily proudly agrees. Emily loved the part where Rory regretted how evolution led man to stand on two feet because it led to that night. Even Lorelai laughs now, saying she hadn't read that far. Lorelai tells Emily that the ballerina was upset. Richard tells Rory not to feel bad about the situation, because sometimes young people don't know that they aren't talented at what they're trying to do and need someone to slap some sense into them: "Now that poor girl can go to business school." Richard says it's rare to read a truthful review. Emily thanks Rory, because now she doesn't have to go see that ballet. Richard says they were just burned by a review for a French restaurant, which was abominable. Emily complains that she had to snap her fingers to get the waiter's attention. Digger seizes his moment and says, "You know, Emily, as a woman of taste, I could use your recommendation of restaurants in the area." Did he just call himself a woman of taste? Emily tries to be humble, but Richard calls her a Zagat guide. Emily gives a lengthy recommendation of some Italian joint. Digger asks if there's anyone who doesn't love Italian. Rory and Lorelai admit that they aren't those kinds of people. "Good to know," Digger leers over the table toward Lorelai. Ew. Digger asks for more recommendations. I've been recapping this scene forever. Emily recommends a steakhouse. Lorelai says she loves steak. "Really?" Digger asks. "So steak is good." Then he licks his lips. He asks about ethnic food. Lorelai admits she doesn't like Thai. Neither does Emily. FASCINATING. Lorelai likes Chinese. "As long as it's authentic," Richard adds. Digger asks for a romantic joint. Richard, Emily, and Lorelai ask why he'd need to know a romantic place for business. "A client might want a recommendation for him and his wife, and I'd like to be prepared," Digger offers. Richard is proud of his partner. Emily recommends some place on the lake. Richard goes moon-eyed over it. Digger asks if he can call Emily later to continue this conversation. She says she can call him week. Digger gives a satisfied look over to Lorelai, who is impressed. Those Gilmores. They know how to pick a loser, don't they?
Rory wants to re-review the ballet, because she can't stand the thought of someone not liking her for one teensy-weensy second! Doyle says they don't re-review things, and that the ballet closed early because of her review. Rory says she'll redo it from the ballet in her head. Doyle says that people are still talking about the review, which is rare. Rory offers to do a general-interest article on the lead ballerina -- the hippo -- who danced in Miami and almost got into Juilliard. Doyle calls that a yawn, and has a new assignment for Rory. Shouldn't Rory be changing departments again, now that she did one correctly? Doyle says that when he was Rory's age, he reviewed a clog-dancing team that was truly bad, and he was merciless: "Hurting people's feelings is what we do." Rory says that when she becomes a journalist, she won't be writing about people who live in her building. Doyle says she is a real journalist, writing for the Yale paper, and that if she can't handle it, she should leave. Rory says she doesn't want to leave. She kicks off the strummy-strummy-la-la as she takes the assignment and leaves.
MamaLane tells Lane that dinner will be a little late tonight, because her gluten patties caught fire, and now they're having spaghetti and wheat balls. Lane tells MamaLane that she didn't mail the jug to Dave because she can't. She says that Dave is her first boyfriend and important to her, and that his being in California is hard, but has brought them closer together, but that they're still in school, and while she respects the jug and all it represents -- all of those hopes and tradition -- she's not ready to give Dave the jug. "Okay," MamaLane says, carrying the jug to the clearance table. "You're selling my marriage jug?" Lane asks, incredulous. MamaLane has never heard of a marriage jug. Lane tells her how MamaLane had pointed at it when she was little and said that the jug was for when she got married someday. MamaLane says that she probably told Lane that to get her to stop crying, since she was always crying, giving MamaLane a headache. It's just a jug: "I've got tons of them; they're hard to move." She offers to make this a marriage jug, if that's what Lane wants. Lane says that's not necessary. MamaLane says that she'll send something else to Dave. She runs off to tend to her wheat balls. Lane leaves the marriage jug on the clearance table, instead of taking it up to her room to give to Dave some other day.
Rory shows up at the theatre again to review "some music thing." But this time, she's even more annoying. She's on her cell phone! Great time to be chatty. Rory's already the dickiest, meanest critic in Yale's history. In a fight over who's a shittier person, Lorelai tells Rory that she's not going back to Luke's for a while, since he's seeing stupid Nicole and refuses to divorce her just because Lorelai said so. Lorelai is cleaning her kitchen. In four years, I've never seen this woman open a cabinet and put something in it. It's so strange that it's jarring. Lorelai actually says that this is Luke's problem, and that he's got to realize that whoever is in his life is also in hers. Rory asks if Lorelai's going to tell Luke about Digger, and how something's happening there. Lorelai scoffs, but then asks if it'd be crazy if she dated Digger. "A little," Rory says. That only makes it more interesting to Lorelai, if it would make her daughter unhappy, too. Rory says that she and the ballerina won't ever be friends, but at least Sandra's stopped threatening Rory. Rory talks on the phone all the way until when the lights go down. Rudeness! Rory's immediately unhappy with the production, which opens with a crappy rendition of "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore." What lab theatre is Rory hanging out in? Because Yale has a fucking conservatory, and is one of the most coveted acting programs in the nation. It is where Actors, with capital letters, are born. Whatever.