It's Friday, and that means there's a Gilmore family dinner. Emily calls for Richard to join them because she's starving. She continues to crab, and Lorelai tells Emily to relax. Emily explains that Richard is making some dish that his grandmother used to make for him, because he had a craving. Lorelai understands cravings. Richard calls in and says that his recipe is a family secret, and Emily reminds him that she's family. Rory protests that her grandfather is having fun and Emily complains that she saw "an open can of cream of mushroom soup" and "nothing good can come of that." She clearly has never had my Heart Attack Hash Brown Casserole. I do find it odd that Richard's grandmother made casseroles -- you don't really think of those as rich people food. Although maybe she was not so rich, and the family fortune was made in Richard's father's generation. I'm overthinking this. Richard arrives, proudly bearing his casserole. Rory says it smells good, and Richard dishes some out while explaining that his grandmother used to make it for him when he was feeling sad, like "if [his] cricket team lost or a girl [he] fancied turned up her nose at [him]." Did he grow up in Victorian England? Lorelai orders him to load up her plate, pretending that some chick dissed her earlier. Emily wants Richard to let the maid serve the food. Lorelai is shocked that her "lesbian hilarity" passed uncommented. Well, "hilarity" might be a little strong there. Richard says that the maid will dish out tiny servings, but "Johnny Machete needs to presented in a heap." Emily explains that "this vile concoction" is called Johnny Machete. Lorelai and Rory think the food is great, but Emily keeps bitching about it, because it looks like someone already ate it. ["I wished I'd watched this episode with my mom, because the casserole he made totally looked like this 'dish' she used to make for us when she was a poor student/struggling single mother. She called it 'glop,' because that's what it looked like. The ingredients changed depending on what she happened to have on hand, but cream of mushroom soup and corn were almost always present. When my mom was first seeing my dad, she made it for him, and he was so horrified (he says now) that he resolved he had to marry her so he could rescue me from glop. I always really liked it, though." -- Wing Chun] Richard is pissed, and Emily apologizes and compromises by promising to take three bites of the food before throwing it out. I thought she was all about manners. She should know that you should pretend to enjoy it and then push it around your plate to make it look like you ate a lot, then secretly feed it to the dog. Or the garbage disposal.
Richard announces that they have "good food" and "good company," so it's time to move on to "good conversation." Rory decides to make her big college announcement. Lorelai can't let Rory have her moment, and has to keep interrupting. Rory gets to say, "And after giving it a lot of thought, I have decided...I'm going to Yale." Rory pauses and waits for Richard and Emily to have seizures of joy. It doesn't happen, so Lorelai says "Yale" again. Richard and Emily keep eating. Rory and Lorelai keep saying "Yale." Emily and Richard fail to react, and then claim that they didn't want Rory to go to Yale. Lorelai says that their differences over where Rory should go to school are behind them because she's going to Yale, and everyone should be happy. Rory gives her grandparents permission to express their joy. Richard slowly breaks into a grin and says he's going to get the champagne. Emily plans to call "the Talbots," and Richard reminds her to gloat because of that "dim-witted son of theirs that couldn't even get into Brown." Emily and Richard giggle and run off, but then dash back to kiss Rory on the head. Richard promises to teach her the fight song. Whew! I thought they were setting up another weird college conflict that I didn't understand.
Lorelai walks around the under-repair Inn with a clipboard. She asks the contractor how long the repairs will take. He starts to answer, but she makes him say that it will be ten days. He humors her, but admits that he's totally lying. Lorelai tells him to "go fast," and the contractor says dryly, "'Go fast,' huh? Never heard that one before." At least someone can stand up to Lorelai. Sookie walks up and says that the kitchen looks good, and that they just need to get the gas line hooked back up. Lorelai asks how long it will take, and Sookie says the plumber is looking at it right now. Michel wanders over and says that they forgot to inform some guests that the Inn was closed, and they showed up; luckily, the guests weren't too bright, and he convinced them that they had their days mixed up, so they went home. Lorelai is shocked, because that's so out of character for Michel. Except it's totally not. Lorelai orders some lackey named Laura to track down the guests and get them into "the Bunny Hop Inn."
Lorelai wants to start her meeting, but just then Bruce McCulloch shows up and announces that he bought bagels. Who? Where? What? Anyway, Bruce's character's name is Tobin, and Lorelai greets him warmly. He works in a compliment for Sookie's cooking, and she is charmed as well. Sookie looks thinner. Isn't she supposed to be going the other way? I'm just going to tell myself that she has terrible morning sickness and has thus actually lost weight since getting pregnant. That happened to my best friend. She threw up every day into her fourth month of pregnancy. I know. Sookie and Tobin walk off, and Michel pulls Lorelai aside and asks why Tobin is there, since he's the night manager and it's daytime. Lorelai says that it's an emergency staff meeting. Michel complains that he can't be in the same room with Tobin. Lorelai tells him to deal and walks off.
Before Lorelai can sit down, Tobin puts a napkin down in her chair "in case of soot" and then wipes off the back with his sleeve. Lorelai is charmed by all this, but I think it would be annoying. Tobin goes to sit down and Michel barks, "My chair!" Tobin moves. Lorelai starts the meeting, but Tobin interrupts her to ask Michel if he got a bagel. Michel explains that he doesn't eat bagels because they are "like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die." I love Michel's food obsession. Sookie pauses in her bagel eating and tells Michel to shut up.
Lorelai brings it back around to the meeting and says that the fire wiped out the dining room and five upstairs rooms. Tobin sighs and Lorelai asks if he's okay. Tobin apologizes and says he loves the place so much, and that he's been the night manager for five years. And yet we've never heard of him until today. Tobin babbles on for a while until Michel yells at him to "make a point, bagel boy." Just assume that, for the rest of the scene, Michel is throwing Tobin dirty looks. Tobin says it hurts him to see the Inn wounded. Lorelai promises that the Inn will be rebuilt, and better than ever, but that they need to "keep it going until then," so she needs some ideas on what to do. Tobin suggests that they get a celebrity in there for publicity. Lorelai wonders how they would get a celebrity and Tobin says he knows "Tony Randall and Renée Estevez" and would be happy to put in a call. Lorelai smiles warmly as Michel interrupts to say that he hates to bring this up, "especially since, I mean, how do you top Renée Estevez," but they do have some rooms, and the lobby is fine, and Sookie can make some things at home. Can she? Isn't that a violation of the health code? Lorelai asks where Michel is headed with this. Michel says that they have beds and they have breakfast and they could add free wine and cheese in the afternoon. Lorelai refuses to turn the Inn into a bed and breakfast. Michel says she's being stubborn. Lorelai says that bed and breakfasts are "cutesy and annoying." Like Stars Hollow? I love the town as much as anyone, but seriously. Sookie adds that bed and breakfasts force people to mingle. Michel says that it would be incentive for people to keep their reservations. Tobin agrees with him, and Michel orders Tobin to get off his side. Lorelai agrees to consider it, and Michel accuses her of only doing it because Tobin agreed.
The contractor comes up and says he has to show Lorelai something. She asks if it's bad, and he sarcastically says that it's so good that she'll be turning cartwheels. Lorelai excuses herself. Tobin follows Lorelai and says that he knows her birthday is coming up on Friday, and he got her a gift. She opens the bag to find a cappuccino-scented candle, which she loves. Tobin says that he's proud to be the night manager, but that he'd be happy to help out during the day. Lorelai says she may take him up on that, and walks away. Michel is stunned at Tobin's audacity. Tobin turns and stares at Michel, then slowly bites into a bagel. Ha! I love that Tobin's brown-nosing is all an act. It makes it less annoying. Plus, anything that pisses Michel off is funny.
Lorelai and Rory walk around their house as Lorelai notes all of the items that need fixing. Rory expositions that Luke has given Lorelai five hours of handyman work for her birthday for the past five years, and Lorelai has grossly exploited it. Rory adds that "the spirit of giving is lost on [Lorelai]," and Lorelai answers that "the spirit of getting is alive and well." Kind of sums up her character, doesn't it? Lorelai also wants Luke to do her laundry. Rory wants Luke to build her another bookshelf. Lorelai is proud, so Rory adds that Luke must paint little flowers on it.
The phone rings, and Rory answers it to find Paris on the other end, complaining about the schoolwork she's been doing. Rory asks Paris when she's coming back to school. Paris says that her parents will be back tomorrow, and explains that her mother might have a new face, thanks to some doctor in France who injects gel into your head and molds it. So Mrs. Gellar needs to sleep on her back for a month or her face will flatten like a crepe. Rory comments that it's like Brazil, and Paris says she'll go back to school when her parents get home. She asks if people are still talking about her meltdown speech. Rory lies that they aren't, and Paris knows Rory is lying, so Paris asks for more homework to keep her mind off things. Rory says there is no more, and suggests that Paris go out and do something fun. Paris keeps asking what she should do, and Rory says she should do something fun with no thinking involved. They hang up.
Rory finds Lorelai in the kitchen, wondering if Luke can remove the kitchen wall in five hours. They sit down at the table, and Rory asks if they can talk about birthday week. Did y'all know that Pamie has birthday week? And has talked about it on her website since before this show ever aired? Total shout-out. Anyway, Rory has planned facials on Monday, a double feature on Tuesday, a trip to Sephora on Wednesday, a complimentary makeover on Thursday, and "Big Fat Fabulous Friday." Lorelai thinks that Friday will bring the big party, and Rory pretends that she didn't know Lorelai wanted to make a big deal out of her birthday this year. Rory adds that Miss Patty and Babette wanted to hire two hot guys to carry Lorelai around all day and feed her bonbons (which would have been awesome) and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but Rory told them to respect Lorelai's wishes. Rory says she has to go, and Lorelai thinks she really is planning something for Friday. What is she, new? Of course Rory is planning something. Lorelai wants Rory to tell people not to buy her a new car, and definitely not a convertible. Rory leaves.
Lorelai answers the phone and a woman says she's calling for Richard Gilmore. Then there's like ten minutes of business where the woman (who is Richard's secretary) tries to set up a meeting between Lorelai and her dad, but then Lorelai figures out that her dad is sitting right there, and she rips on him for not just talking to her himself, but Richard insists that's why he has a secretary in the first place and blah blah blah talky talky. The point is that Richard has something to discuss with Lorelai in person, and they arrange to meet the following day.
Rory goes to the bakery and arranges to have Fran make a four-foot chocolate cake with individual vanilla cupcakes on top. Also, it's going to say "Happy Sixteenth Birthday, Lorelai." Rory wants both butter cream and whipped cream frosting, which the Fran thinks is too much. Rory says she and Lorelai once tried to make an entire cake out of just frosting. Hey, who hasn't? Rory says that Miss Patty will pick up the cake at 5 PM. Lane walks in and announces that there is a glitch, because the world's largest pizza was a hundred twenty-two feet and eight inches wide. Rory says they'll have to make Connecticut's largest pizza then, and Lane says that would be ninety-eight feet wide. Rory says they can only do twelve feet. Lane wonders if they could make the world's biggest taco instead, but Rory thinks that would be too hard to serve. As opposed to the pizza, which will be a snap. Rory thinks they should lie and just say it's the world's biggest pizza. Rory asks Lane about the music selection, and Lane says she's picking one song from each year of Lorelai's life, but she's having trouble with 1974.
They exit the bakery, and Rory asks Lane to hide some favors and stuff at her house. Lane thinks it's ironic that Rory is hiding things at Lane's house, for once. They run into Jess, who has just rented Almost Famous. Rory complains and they banter over the choice of movie and the choice of food. Lane says they're like "a really sweet, old agoraphobic couple." Lane takes off. Jess asks Rory if she's still going to Yale. Rory says it has all the classes she wants, and great teachers, and it's close to Stars Hollow. Jess says it's 22.8 miles. Rory thinks it's sweet that he looked it up. Jess tries to pretend it's not a big deal, because God forbid he let his girlfriend know that he cares about her at all.
At Luke's Diner, Taylor and Nicole discuss a contract with a candy supplier. Taylor wants to make the contract's wording harsher. Luke refills their coffee and suggests that Taylor have some Oompa Loompas sent over to beat up the candy maker. Taylor asks Nicole why she's still dating Luke, and says he can fix her up with his nephew, who just got back from "a three-year stint in a biosphere in Arizona." Is it Pauly Shore? Taylor leaves. Luke asks Nicole if she's up for a movie after he kills Taylor. She is, and asks Luke to have a seat for a second. Luke asks if they're going to have "The Conversation." Nicole doesn't know what he's talking about, or pretends not to, and Luke sits. Nicole says that her parents are coming into town, and she thought Luke might want to meet them at lunch. Luke says he hasn't "met any parents in a long time." Nicole says he doesn't have to, and that she's just giving him the option, although she's clearly disappointed. Jess walks over and tells Luke to meet the parents already, and it doesn't matter if they hate Luke, because he's been there before. No, Jess, you've been there before. Also, shut up. Also, why don't you go work at Wal-Mart or something. Nicole apologizes for putting Luke on the spot. Luke stammers for a while and then says he'll go to the lunch. Nicole leaves.
Jess also starts to leave. Luke asks where he's going, and Jess says he's going to school. Man, these people get up early. I don't know what time Jess's school starts, but my high school started at like 7:45 AM. And Jess is already up and worked a shift at the diner. Anyway, Luke walks outside and watches Jess walk across the street to the school and then, just before entering, ducks aside and runs over to his car and takes off. I just want to say a word about the whole Jess-skipping-school thing. My mom was the attendance officer at my school, so I know about the procedures and such, and I also grew up in a small town like Stars Hollow. There is no way that Jess would get away with missing this much school. First, the school would notify Luke. Second, people would see Jess driving to work. They'd see his car in the Wal-Mart parking lot. They'd report it back to Luke over breakfast in the diner. It is impossible to get away with anything in small towns, because everyone not only knows where you are supposed to be, but they know whom you are dating and what car you drive. I'm just saying.
Madeleine got into Mills College, which Louise calls "the one where all those girls with bad hair cried because they were going to let boys in." It's the only school that accepted Madeleine, because it was her "fallback" school, and Louise says Madeleine is going to "fall back into some mama's loving arms." See, because women's schools are full of lesbians. Like prison. Louise has decided to go to Tulane. Paris comes back to school. Paris got her nose pierced when Rory told her to have fun. Paris was allergic. Paris has a big bandage on her nose. Ha! Ha?
Rory's apology is interrupted when her cell phone rings. It's Jon Polito, maker of the giant pizza. He's concerned about the size of the pizza and wants to discuss putting in a second crust, "like a retaining wall," to hold all of the toppings. Rory asks if they could just make the crust thicker. Jon Polito says that might work and promises to get back to her. Rory hangs up in time to hear Paris yelling at some guy who offered her ten dollars to look at her nose. She wants twenty dollars, and tells Rory she's "just making lemonade here." So where is Paris going to go to college? Enough with the funny nose bit.
Lorelai answers the knock at her door, but not before noticing that Rory spelled out "Happy Birthday Lorelai" in Mallomars on the kitchen table. It's Luke and his toolbox. That's not a euphemism. Although it could be. Lorelai asks where his French maid outfit is, and Luke says he's got it on under the plaid. Lorelai asks, "What else is new?" Luke notices the cookies on the table, as Lorelai eats one. Lorelai hands him his fix-it list, and the first item is the garbage disposal. Luke pulls a spoon out of it and asks why she couldn't just pull the spoon out herself. Lorelai ignores him and asks if he wants to start upstairs or down, while at the same time she opens a box of cookies and replaces the one from the table that she ate earlier. Luke is confounded by her methods, and wonders why she didn't just eat a cookie out of the box in the first place. Lorelai has a convoluted explanation, which drives Luke crazy as usual, so he just looks at his list and reveals a startling familiarity with the layout of Lorelai's house. Luke says he can't put up the towel rack until later, because he didn't bring his drill. Lorelai chuckles and Luke says, "Dirty. Yes, I know." Lorelai says she'll be around tomorrow, but Luke says he's having lunch with Nicole's parents. Lorelai is all, "Really," with about ten shades of meaning. Luke tries to play it off as no big deal, since he and Nicole have "been seeing each other fairly regular." Lorelai thinks it's great and so does Luke. He gets up to start his task list, but pauses to tell Lorelai she was right about Jess skipping school. Luke explains that he followed Jess to Wal-Mart that morning. Lorelai asks what Luke is going to do, and Luke says he'll remind Jess about their agreement whereby Jess could stay there as long as he went to school and graduated. Couldn't Luke just kick Jess out? That would make me a lot happier. And it's all about my needs. After Luke leaves, Lorelai eats another cookie from the table.
Rory wheels a giant dolly stacked high with soda down the street. Jackson interrupts to ask what she's doing. Rory explains that it's the soda for the party. Jackson tells Rory that she's thoughtless, and that she hurt Sookie's feelings. Rory is clueless, so Jackson explains that Rory never consulted Sookie about the giant pizza. Rory says that Sookie is an artist and pizza didn't seem to be her thing. Jackson says that Sookie is at home sobbing, which isn't unusual given her current hormonal state. Rory apologizes, and Jackson brings up the fact that she also didn't ask him to provide the vegetables for the pizza. Wouldn't that be Jon Polito's choice? And how many produce suppliers are there in Stars Hollow? You'd think Jackson would already be supplying the vegetables. Whatever. Jackson storms off in a huff, as Rory yells an apology. And that's about it for that storyline, which came out of nowhere and then ended up going nowhere.
Lorelai and Richard have their meeting. Lorelai gives him some more crap about the secretary thing. Richard says he has something for her, and places an envelope on the table. Lorelai starts to guess what it is, but Richard wisely ignores her and explains that when she was born, he celebrated by making a real estate investment in her name. Recently he found out that the government is building a road through the land, so it was sold and all of the investors will get a check. Lorelai realizes that she gets a check, so she picks up the envelope and rips it open. She's shocked to see that the check is for $75,000. She asks Richard for a pen, and figures out that she could buy one hundred fifty pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes. Richard is shocked that the shoes are that expensive, and tells her to shop around first. Lorelai asks if the money is "some kind of gift," because she would have to refuse it. Richard says that he made the investment in her name, and that he's legally obligated to give her the money. Lorelai is psyched. As anyone would be. I don't really get why Lorelai, who has always been so loath to take money from her parents, wouldn't at least insist that her dad take out his own initial investment, but whatever.
Rory and Lorelai sit at home, wearing party hats, eating a giant bowl of something, and discussing how to spend the money. Lorelai thinks they should buy a boat, because that's something rich people have. Rory says they could park it in the front yard, and Lorelai says that would make them rich white trash. Or they could pay off their mortgage. That was my idea, not theirs. I'm so boring. Rory and Lorelai discuss how they won't have to scrimp and save anymore. They won't? It's not that much money. Especially after taxes. Lorelai says she feels rich, and is suddenly in complete agreement with everything Bush has to say. The phone rings, and Lorelai is sure that the call has to do with Rory's secret birthday plans. Rory says, "Not everything is about you." Is this her first episode? Lorelai insists that it is about her. Rory takes the call in her room. Jon Polito says they did a trial run on the pizza and that Kirk "built a pizza rack on top of his car." But then the pizza collapsed and "Kirk has got some severe cheese burns." Rory asks if Kirk's okay, and the shot of Jon Polito widens to reveal Kirk, on a gurney, with his arms and legs being bandaged by EMTs. Jon Polito says that the point is that the pizza might need to be both cheeseless and sauceless. Rory is unhappy and points out that the problem might be Kirk, and not the pizza. Rory insists on both cheese and sauce. Jon Polito says she'll need to provide the transportation herself, and Rory agrees and hangs up. Lorelai pops her head in and Rory lies that she was talking to a classmate we've never heard of.
Jess walks into Luke's apartment like Eminem in 8 Mile with the hoodie and all. Luke has been waiting for him, and offers to make some sandwiches for Jess's date with Rory. Jess refuses in the snittiest tone possible, and I think Luke should just stab him in the head. I hate Jess! Jess then proceeds to dis the fact that Wal-Mart sells sanitized versions of CDs, like there are about forty-five other small businesses in Stars Hollow so why not work somewhere else if Wal-Mart offends you so much, pinko? See what Jess does to me? I hate Wal-Mart's policy, but now Jess has forced me to align with them. Luke tries to bring up Jess's situation, and how busy he is. Jess puts some crap in his hair and Luke is so distracted that he asks, "You ever worry that if a bird flies into your head, it might never get out again?" Hee! Luke offers to make things easier for Jess by giving him a raise at the diner and helping out with his car insurance. What has Jess done to deserve that? Jess is suspicious and Luke says that Jess could quit his job at Wal-Mart, and have more time to spend with Rory and at school. Jess insists that he's fine. Luke urges Jess to take the deal, but Jess won't, so Luke yells that he knows Jess isn't going to school. Jess says that he goes enough, and that "it's public school" so his "history teacher is also the football coach." As someone whose father was a public-school history teacher who also coached football (among other sports), fuck off, Jess. I'm sorry you're too smart for school. Luke reminds Jess of their deal, and Jess insists that he has it all under control and leaves.
At the Inn, Lorelai explains to someone on the phone about the whole bed-and-breakfast deal. She hangs up and walks over to Tobin, who is showing some of the other employees (I guess) how they can paint the walls and add a wallpaper border. What is he, Kia's evil twin? Michel looks sad. Tobin says they can use the chipped teacups to make votive holders, and then use the other broken china to make a mosaic picture frame. Michel walks over and says that he has a gift for Lorelai, which he ordered from Madrid. Lorelai is stunned that Michel is being...you know, nice and thoughtful. She opens the gift and finds a leather-bound journal. Michel says he wanted it to be special and "not just some knickknack you could pick up at a supermarket or car wash." He gives Tobin a pointed look. Michel smiles widely, possibly the first time that's ever happened on this show. Unless someone fell down or something, and he was laughing. Tobin says he has something else for Lorelai. He shoves Michel aside and Lorelai opens the bag to find a leather jacket. Tobin explains that it's the jacket that Joe Strummer (of The Clash) "wore during the 1979 Pearl Harbor tour." Lorelai won't accept five dollars from her father but she'll take this from an employee? Michel doesn't know who Joe Strummer is, and thinks he might be "a Hell's Angel man." Lorelai explains that Joe Strummer just died, and that the jacket is the coolest thing she's ever gotten. She smells it and says it smells like Joe. Michel says it must be wonderful to smell like a dead guy. Lorelai says she's going to hug Tobin, and does. Michel says he has to run an errand and tells Lorelai to be there when he gets back. Lorelai continues to gush over the jacket as Michel looks back and makes a "Goddammit!" face. Hee! I really wish it had turned out that Tobin and Lorelai were playing a giant prank on Michel and messing with his head, though.
Luke meets with Nicole and her parents. Nicole and her dad argue about the ethics and legality of surrogate parenthood. Nicole's mother keeps offering people food and Luke shifts around uncomfortably. What a weird subject to be discussing. How did that come up? Did someone just watch the TV movie about Mary Beth Whitehead or something? I think Nicole's dad was on Buffy. Nicole's mom says that Nicole and her dad always pick a subject, argue until dinner, call a truce, and then argue again when they have finished eating. Nicole calls off the argument. Nicole's mom says that she hears Luke has never been married. Nicole tries to change the subject to Luke's business and gives her mom a look like, "Please!" Luke admits that he's never been married. Nicole's mom asks if Luke wants to be married someday and have children. Luke gulps some wine as Nicole tries to soften her mom's line of questioning. Nicole's mom says there is nothing more wonderful than marriage and nothing more rewarding than children. Nicole tells Luke that her other boyfriends escaped out the bathroom window. Luke looks like he's got heartburn. Nicole's mom goes on about how great kids are and all of the rewarding milestones like their first step and first word. ["It's so ludicrous that people who are all classy and educated like Nicole's parents would ask Luke stuff like that the very first time they met him. They'd wait for him to leave, and then needle Nicole about it. Duh!" -- Wing Chun] Luke adds, "The first time they tell you they're going to school and then you follow them and they get in their car and drive to Wal-Mart. And they think you don't know. They think you're just a moron and you're going, 'Hey, they must be telling me the truth. Right?' And they don't think that maybe you know that they're lying to your face and that you're really mad because you guys had an agreement. And that agreement was clear. Very clear. And they know that breaking that agreement is a violation of everything that you had talked about. Oh yeah, that is cute. That's just darling. I can't wait to experience that again." Imagine all those words I just typed being spoken in about ten seconds, and then everyone just staring at each other in awkward silence.
Strummy la la. Rory walks into the pizza shop and finds Jon Polito, Kirk (with bandaged hands) and a white guy with an Afro. That sounds like the setup to a bad joke. Jon Polito says they have a plan, and Rory says she has a check. Jon Polito says they've solved that transportation problem, and that instead of doing one huge pizza, they are going to do a hundred little pizzas all sitting to each other. Rory doesn't want that. Afro Guy suggests they put the little pizza together and put pepperoni over the open spots. Jon Polito says it'll look like one big pizza. Afro Guy says they could also put cheese over the holes, and Kirk tells him not to say "the C word." Rory says it won't work and orders them to make a "crazy large" pizza, per the original concept. She draws a comparison between Gangs of New York with Cameron Diaz versus Gangs of New York as it was originally supposed to be made, with Meryl Streep. It was? I totally missed that story. ["She means, when Scorsese originally planned to make the movie, in the '70s, who he would cast. Like, I think De Niro was supposed to be Bill the Butcher." -- Wing Chun] I'm also totally distracted by the fact that Rory is all hunched over and I don't know if Alexis Bledel just has really bad posture or if her backpack is too heavy. Rory says that tonight is her mother's birthday party and that everyone expects a huge pizza, so they just have to do it. She runs out. Kirk says he can't picture Meryl Streep with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Luke's Diner. Luke apologizes to Nicole on the phone. She seems somewhat amused. Luke explains that Jess was driving him crazy. Nicole knows and explained it to her parents. Luke promises to make it up to them on their visit. Nicole says it may not be for a few months. Jess walks by and says he's going to school, so Luke is distracted and tells Nicole he'll do it then. Nicole totally takes this as a sign that Luke wants a serious relationship, and Luke clearly doesn't know what he just signed up for. Because it would be too hard for her to just ask him where he sees their relationship heading. Jess walks back in and says he needs to use the phone because someone stole his car. Of course, he treats Luke like a piece of garbage while explaining what happened, because God forbid he be nice his own uncle, a man who is providing him with food and shelter, and who recently offered just to give him money. Asshole. Jess is disgusted that the police department has an answering machine. Jess wonders who would steal his car, since it was a piece of junk. Luke tells Jess to go to school, and he'll talk to the cops and take care of it. Jess reluctantly agrees. Luke smiles, because he totally moved the car.
Friday Night Gilmore Dinner. Richard, Emily, Rory, and the serving staff sing "Happy Birthday" to Lorelai. The maids take the cake before Lorelai blows out her candles. Lorelai protests, but Emily says that the maid can do it. Lorelai isn't happy, but Emily says she thought only children liked to do that. Richard offers to let her blow out the tapers on the table. Emily suggests that they have dessert in the living room, so they move out. Rory and Lorelai have a whispered conversation during which Rory says they have time to have cake before Lorelai's town party. Richard offers champagne, and Lorelai accuses him of trying to get her drunk so that she will forget that they didn't let her blow out her candles. Emily asks if this will be a story she will tell people for the rest of her life, like the bunny story. Lorelai starts complaining about how her mother gave away her rabbit when Lorelai was a kid, which ends up with Richard guessing that the rabbit is now in a shoebox somewhere. Richard offers up a toast to Lorelai on her thirty-sixth birthday. Lorelai laughs and says she's only thirty-five. Richard realizes she's right.
Lorelai thanks her parents for the dinner, and then reaches into her purse and pulls out an envelope, which she gives to Emily, joking that it's from her long-missing rabbit. Emily, suddenly very serious, asks what it is. Lorelai says it's the money she owes them for Rory's school, which she promised she would pay back. Lorelai thanks them very sincerely for helping out, and adds that Rory wouldn't be going to Yale if it weren't for Emily and Richard. Emily stonily says that Lorelai's welcome and then says that Lorelai must be relieved that her debt is paid and that she doesn't need her parents anymore. Lorelai is confused, because she didn't say that. Emily says that Lorelai won't have to talk to them or come over for dinner anymore. Lorelai protests, but not as strongly as you might think. Like if she had just said right here, "We'll still come over for dinner," it seems like this whole thing could have been avoided. Lorelai says that she's just paying back the money she owed. Emily thinks it's unkind of Lorelai to use her birthday to inform her parents that she won't be coming over anymore. Lorelai didn't say that. Emily thinks the money says that. Lorelai suggests that it might be better if she and Rory came over voluntarily and not due to some threat. Emily asks if that would happen. Lorelai doesn't answer the question, instead saying that she always promised to pay them back, so it shouldn't be a surprise, and she was trying to do a good thing with the money Richard gave her.
Emily is surprised to hear that Richard gave the money to Lorelai. Richard says it was Lorelai's money. Lorelai tries to explain, but Richard angrily tells her to stay out of it, and insists that he told Lorelai not to mention the money to Emily. Which he never said, which Lorelai points out. Richard says that was why he met her in the daytime at a restaurant. Richard explains to Emily that he knew she would be upset, but that he was legally obligated to give Lorelai the money. Emily tells both Richard and Lorelai not to talk to her. Lorelai says that just because the debt is not paid doesn't mean that Rory and Lorelai won't come over again, even if it's not every week. Emily says it won't happen, because she doesn't need any favors, so she's relieving Lorelai of her obligations. Emily stomps out of the room and Richard follows. Then the maid shows up with two gigantic pieces of cake. Does anyone else feel like Richard's investment story is a bit fishy?
Rory and Lorelai end up in Stars Hollow. Lorelai promises that her parents will calm down. Rory asks Lorelai why she gave them the check. Lorelai says she owed the money. Rory says Lorelai had to know that Emily would take it personally. Lorelai asks if she was not supposed to pay them back. Rory says they didn't want the money. Lorelai asks if she taunted Emily while giving her the check, and points out that she genuinely thanked her parents and gave them credit for Rory getting into Yale. ["I am totally with Lorelai on this, by the way. Emily completely overreacted." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that it's been very hard for her to be indebted to her parents for the past three years, and that she decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow. Sorry. She decided long ago to live her life without her parents' help, and while she feels it was the right thing to take their money for Rory's school, she doesn't need their help anymore. Rory says that Lorelai didn't have to throw it in her parents' faces. ["Which I don't think she did." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says she just paid back a loan, which you are supposed to do. Rory thinks she could have done it differently. Lorelai points out that Rory only knows "the warm and fuzzy Richard and Emily," but that Lorelai has a different not-warm-and-not-fuzzy history with them. Lorelai babbles that she always intended to repay the loan, and that she won't let Rory or her parents make her feel guilty about it. Rory apologizes and Lorelai accepts. They walk off and Lorelai spots the giant pizza being lowered by a crane. She grins and says, "That is amazing." She thanks her daughter as the pizza is lowered into place. Strummy la la stars up as Lorelai asks what happened to Kirk. Isn't that really the essential question of life? What happened to Kirk?