Welcome back.
We open at Luke's. Rory and Lorelai are pondering over Pro and Con lists for Princeton, Yale, and Harvard. From our vantage point, it appears that Rory hasn't written a pro or a con for any of the three schools. Lorelai stops perusing the Harvard pamphlet long enough to tell Rory that Harvard has the smallest class sizes. Rory goes to mark the first Pro for Harvard, but Lorelai stops her. It seems these aren't the "official" Pro and Con lists; the lines are crooked and the lettering is sloppy. Those three schools deserve neater lists. Rory notes that the schools won't see these lists. "What if they subpoena them?" Lorelai leans in to ask. Rory answers that she'll roll them up in a ball and eat them. Lorelai finds a Pro for Yale: 1100 members of the maintenance staff. Rory is sure that the other schools are just as clean as Yale even if they don't "crow" about it, which leads to a debate about whether or not Princeton would have just two janitors for the entire campus. Lorelai tells Rory to write down that Princeton is stinking and filthy. Rory pretends to write it down as Kirk enters the diner.
Kirk's latest moneymaking venture is t-shirt sales. "Aw, Kirk. You're not selling your laundry again, are ya?" Lorelai asks. Kirk says he's printing daily t-shirts with a humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town. He got the idea from an article in a newspaper about a man in Portland who makes t-shirts printed with a daily humorous topical headline of something he witnessed around town. Today's headline? "babette ate oatmeal [sic]!" I know about 5,000 posters on this website who would buy one. Hey, Kirk. Over here. Think bigger than Stars Hollow. Outside the box, buddy. Kirk pounds his chest with his fist and says, "I'm keeping it real." The girls compliment the shirts, prompting Kirk to ask how many of the $14.95 shirts he can put them down for. Luke busts in here and tells Kirk that there are no solicitors allowed in the diner. Kirk offers to give Luke a cut of the sweet action. Luke offers to toss the shirts out the door first so Kirk has something soft to land on. Kirk leaves.
Luke asks what the lists are for. Lorelai informs Luke that Rory has been accepted to Yale, Princeton, and…what was the third? Oh, yeah. Harvard. As if Lorelai wouldn't have already informed the entire town and made Kirk print up a hundred t-shirts listing the names, asking townspeople to vote for their choice of Rory's collegiate fate. Anyway, this prompts the best hug in the history of this show, an awkward under-the-chin face pat from Luke. Rory gives a confused, "Oh," as Luke tries to be affectionate and proud. He then apologizes for not being so good at hugging. Hee. It's only on this third time watching that I notice Lorelai's reaction to the hug, and it's just as funny as the two in the awkward embrace. She goes, "Oh. Wow. Oh." Then Rory fixes her hair. Love it. Luke asks what the lists are for. Lorelai says they use lists to make all of their important decisions. Luke wonders why they even need a list, since Rory's going to go to Harvard, since she's always wanted to go to Harvard and has decorated her room in Harvard and her first word was Harvard. "Probably," Rory says. "But not necessarily," says Yale. I mean, "Lorelai." Luke suggests that Rory attend the school that teaches you how to make an important life decision without resorting to stupid Pro and Con lists. Lorelai: "Do not mock the scientificity of our selection process." I'll take that made-up word as a shout-out, if you don't mind. The rest of this scene is clearly a shout-out to the posters who have been debating Rory's college choices for three years. Rory excuses herself to get to school, but Lorelai says she shouldn't have to bother now that she's been accepted to college. "Let's go truffle-hunting or something," she says. Combined with Six Feet Under, it appears television's Word of the Week is "truffle."
Rory leaves, and Luke marvels again about how great it is that she got into all three schools. Of course she got into all three schools. She's Rory. Everything is always perfect in Roryland. Luke is apologetic concerning his news about Jess. Lorelai asks to hear it anyway. Jess has been selected Employee of the Month over at the Wal-Mart. My friend Jessica -- who's filling in for Djb who quit the job to move back to New York, who was filling in for Stee who quit the job when Rory and Jess got together, who was filling in for Ray who quit the job when Lorelai got engaged to Max Medina -- gets her Eddie Vedder button pushed and scoffs, "Wal-Mart! This show is sponsored by Wal-Mart? That sucks. I hate corporate sponsorship during the…you should mention that in your recap. That sucks. Wal-Mart. They suck. I hate Wal-Mart. They wouldn't have a Wal-Mart in Stars Hollow." I didn't want to explain to her where the Wal-Mart was and why it was there, as she was busy throwing popcorn at my television, making hissing sounds. Anyway, Lorelai is as proud of Jess as Luke is, and asks if he told Jess he's proud. Jess didn't tell Luke about it. He only found out because Wal-Mart sent a letter home to the family, inviting him to the ceremony. Lorelai asks if he's going to go. Luke: "Oh, he'd hate it if I was there. You know, seeing him participating in some corporate ceremony like that, being called upstanding and responsible. It would kill him. Yeah, I'm going." Lorelai calls him a "good boy." Luke looks over at Kirk, who immediately swipes his t-shirt display off his table and goes back to innocently sucking a straw. Cue the opening credits.
Independence Inn. After a quick game of Marco/Polo, Lorelai finds Sookie on the floor of her kitchen. Sookie has taken a liking to the stray cat that lives in the inn. Um, is there a health inspector around? Because that can't be a good thing, can it? Anyway, Sookie has named the cat Papaya, and can't seem to get Papaya to eat anything, so she's on her hands and knees pretending to eat from Papaya's bowl in order to encourage the cat to try the food. Lorelai warns Sookie not to get too close to Papaya, because one day the cat will wander off and Sookie will be sad. Sookie says she can't help it; now that she's pregnant, she's become nurturing toward all living things. "Jackson, too," she says. Yesterday Jackson moved a table that accidentally nicked this spider on the floor, and nicked one of the spider legs right off, which was sad and made them both so depressed. So Jackson made a prosthetic leg for the spider out of a paper clip, but "jamming the clip into the spider killed it instantly." They had named the spider Sachmo, after Jackson's uncle. Sookie gets the idea to wear ears to encourage Papaya. She holds triangular sponges behind her ears and tells Papaya to watch Mama eat from the bowl. Lorelai pouts and shakes her head before walking away.
In the crowded lobby, Lorelai finds Michel and asks if this is everyone from the Edgar Allen Poe society. I should mention here again that two weeks ago I had a double Gilmore sighting day. At lunch I saw Taylor eating with a group of friends (one being Frank from ER), and at dinner I saw Michel. He walked into the pizza joint I was in, and since he was about three feet from me and he looked so familiar, my first instinct was to think that he was one of my friends or acquaintances, so I smiled at him. By the way, this strange instinct of mine to immediately assume I know the person standing in front of me, forgetting I live in Los Angeles, where people from the talkies and the tee-vee walk around like real-life humans, has also happened when I saw people from Mr. Show, Jake Gyllanhaal, Ashton Kutcher, Mira Sorvino, and the guy from Murphy Brown. Anyway, poor Michel, who doesn't know me from the guy from Murphy Brown, had the nice-person, good-mannered instinct to smile back before his face melted in uncomfortable confusion. Then I went back to staring at my friends, hoping he doesn't remember also bumping into me at a Rite-Aid about a year ago. And then I remember that not everybody in the world reads these recaps, and even if they did, my picture is nowhere to be found on this website, so even though I know way too much about them, they know absolutely nothing about me, which is why they still haven't offered to let me write an episode. So, where was I? Not talking about myself? Sorry.
Backtracking to where I was before I so rudely interrupted myself, Lorelai asks Michel if these are all the members of the Edgar Allen Poe society. Michel corrects her and renames the society the "I Should Be Sterilized So That My Disturbing Idiosyncrasies Aren't Passed Down to the Generation" Society. Lorelai goes behind the front desk and welcomes a couple to the inn. As she checks them in, she promises that there aren't any human body parts buried in the floor of their room to keep them awake tonight. "Sound good?" Mr. and Mrs. Hallistad, who now are clearly not with the Edgar Allen Poe Society, are just a bit mortified. Lorelai scoffs and asks Michel why the Hallistads wouldn't get her awesome "Tell-Tale Heart" reference. Michel informs her that they are not with the EAP Society. All the cool kids are calling it the EAP Society, so that they don't have to type out all of those letters in their recaps. Lorelai asks why Michel didn't tell her that the Hallistads weren't EAPs. "If I had thought to, I still would not have," he answers. Lorelai turns around to check in the couple. She asks first if they are with the Poe Society. They are. So Lorelai jokes, "There will be a complimentary cask of amontillado in your room, and if you're expecting your friends Dr. Tar and Professor Feather, I'll send up another one." Crickets. She reminds them that they're with the Poe Society. The man, who's just a bit insulted, says it's just a hobby. "We're not Trekkies." Lorelai hands them the key, assuring them that she doesn't think they're freaks. Lorelai pouts off so Michel can continue checking people in.
Jess is pouting by a whiteboard that orders "Customer Service, Teamwork, Personal Responsibility, Goal Recognition and Integrity." The Wal-Mart manager takes the front of the room and reminds us all that this is the monthly meeting that takes about four minutes where Jess will receive his Employee of the Month award. I love how this show assumes that anyone who would manage a Wal-Mart must have a southern accent. That's where they keep the Southerners of Connecticut -- at the Wal-Mart. Well, thank ya kindly. Also, the workers of Wal-Mart are the most culturally diverse group of extras we've ever seen on this show. The manager tells us that Jess is going to win two hundred bucks with this award. He jokes that it's the only thing that got Jess to come to the meeting. Well, how's that for teamwork and personal responsibility, Employee of the Month? "You know him as a trooper," the manager boasts. "Our Mr. Reliable." I'm half expecting CuteDean to walk up and accept the award. Apparently Jess is handy with a forklift, even if he's not one for small talk. Jess pouts up to the manager. "Would you like to say anything, Jess?" the manager asks. "Nope," Jess answers. The manager laughs uncomfortably and beams, "Well, that's our Jess." Yeah, it seems that Jess is a perfect fit here at Wal-Mart, where they think of his angry sourpuss as some kind of quirky forklift personality trait.
Meeting ends, and Jess asks Luke what he's doing there. Luke pinches Jess's cheek and tells him he's proud of him. Jess tells him to stop. Luke says he's getting emotional. He suggests Jess hang his plaque over his bed with a little spotlight. Jess says he has to go, and says the only reason he came was for the money. Jess goes back to work. The manager walks up to Luke and actually says, "Hey. Saw you jawboning with our boy there." Come on, y'all. The manager says he wishes he had a dozen more Jesses. He works like a dog and takes up extra shifts when someone calls in sick. He says that Jess sometimes pulls forty-five-hour weeks without a complaint. Luke says that the manager must be mistaken, because Jess couldn't possibly work a forty-five-hour week when he's in school full-time and also working at the diner. Not to mention the girlfriend that he's supposed to be spending time with. Luke and the manager just blow it off, saying that the manager might just be mistaken. The manager hands Luke the Employee of the Month piece of paper with Jess's Polaroid glued to it. Wow. Spare no expense, Wal-Mart. Jessica leans over and hisses, "Every time they say the word 'Wal-Mart,' you just know that 'Wal-Mart' paid for that to happen. Oh, this is infuriating! You put that in your recap!" The manager walks away, and Luke stares off into space. My attention turns to the two young ladies lollygagging in the back, talking to each other like they're in Chilton. Hey, ladies! Get back to work! Go sell a gun or something!
That night at Miss Patty's, the Edgar Allen Poe Society is sponsoring some Readings of Poe. I thought that Miss Patty was doing the reading, but once we see inside, it's clear that a short man is reciting "The Raven" towards a stuffed bird in a spotlight on a podium. The crowd here? Much less culturally diverse. But Babette's there, and CuteDean. So are Lorelai and Rory, who immediately begin their tradition of talking right through anything a group of people has gathered to watch in silence. Lorelai's pouting that Poe's words are morose and slow-moving. Rory reminds Lorelai that Poe was a troubled man, who did a bit too much drinky-drinky. Well, she makes a "hmm-humm" noise while pointing at her face, prompting Lorelai to ask, "Mime?" Lorelai then remembers to add a Pro to Yale: best drama school. Bar none, she says. I hear actors around the nation scoff and moan at the audacity. Rory reminds Lorelai that she won't be a drama major. Lorelai says that Rory will have the best drama performances to attend, and she'll get to see the Meryl Streep when she's goofy and eighteen. "And doing crap like: 'Hey, name an occupation! Plumber! Name a farm tool now. Tractor! Hey, I'm a tractor doing…plumbing!'" Hee. Rory asks if that's what they do at the Yale Drama School. "So I've heard," Lorelai says. Well, you aren't too far off. Please don't make me tell the story of the week I had to pretend to be a veil, stick, ball, or chair. And then later I used those skills to ask a large crowd, "Hey, name an object. Dildo? Okay, this is the World's Worst Dildo, coming up!" Lorelai points out the second Poe sitting in the audience. Lorelai and Rory come up with several different Poe stories about the existence of two Poes. More chatting. Lorelai points out CuteDean, who can hear them because he's sitting right in front of them, so he turns around to look. Then Lorelai and Rory talk about CuteDean's new girlfriend Lindsay, who's also sitting right in front of them. CuteDean waves, but Lindsay gives a stink-eye that would make Louisa proud. "I think she's ready to go to the ghetto on you," Lorelai says. Rory says she doesn't have a problem with Lindsay, getting all defensive, loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. Once again we hear the story about how nine-year-old Lindsay bought Rory a magnet on a field trip. Lorelai says that Lindsay should just "mellow" since both CuteDean and Rory have moved on. The Poe keeps trying to recite "The Raven." Lorelai complains that the poem is so long. Rory says it could use some editing. Lorelai tells Rory to put the drama school on the Yale Pro list. Rory says she doesn't have a pen.
Lorelai now starts hissing across the aisle, distracting Luke and his girlfriend…lawyerlady, whose name I can't remember after two months have passed…and asking if they have a pen. This lady really has some nerve, huh? Watch the damn recitation, Lor. Luke asks how long the poem is going to be. Lorelai says there are at least five "nevermores" to go. Luke says he doesn't have a pen. Lorelai asks where he keeps the pen he uses to take orders. Luke says he wasn't anticipating taking orders tonight at the Poe recitation. "There goes your Boy Scout badge," Lorelai says. Rory pulls on Lorelai's shoulder and points out how the recitation has stopped because Pissy Poe is now staring pointedly at Loose Lips Lorelai. Rory hopes he doesn't put a curse on them. Lorelai says she'll be happier when he goes back to being Fred Larson, Tampa dentist. "Hey, Lorelai," lawyerlady says off-camera. She says it like the line is going to be, "Shut your fucking trap, and let us watch the show," but instead she hands Lorelai a pen. Nicole. Her name's Nicole. "You're an angel," Lorelai says. "Thanks." Daniel Palladino doesn't know this, I guess, but women only say that to each other when we don't mean it. "I'll need it back," Nicole says, crossing her arms. "Hmm," Rory says. "Looks like Nicole's got a little Lindsay attitude going on." Uh, both of those women could probably hear you, Rory. Might want to take the volume down a notch. Miss Patty leans in and asks how many "nevermores" are left. Lorelai guesses four. "Is that a man?" Jessica asks me, and I can't stop laughing for five whole minutes. Miss Patty complains about having to suffer along with Poe's suffering. Rory notes that she put Yale Drama down for a Pro. Miss Patty complains that Rory's wasting her time with those lists, since everybody knows she's just going to go to Harvard. Rory and Lorelai say she'll only go to Harvard if the list says she'll go to Harvard. Miss Patty reminds Rory that when she was six and took a cheerleading class, she wouldn't cheer for any other school than Harvard. Take it from a girl who decided she was going to Harvard when she was seven: you can end up at the University of Texas at Austin.
The Poe winds up his final "nevermore," and everyone applauds. The other Poe stands and begins quietly arguing with the first Poe. Miss Patty leans in to give the girls the "scoop." It seems the Poes were a bit confused, and both of them came to the reading prepared to recite "The Raven." The solution? The Maggie Gyllenhaal-ish lady announces that the "rare treat" for the evening will be the opportunity to compare and contrast two different renditions of "The Raven." The second Poe with the same poem doesn't receive as warm a welcome. Lorelai asks if they should bolt. She bemoans the fact that she didn't bring her flask so they could play the "nevermore" drinking game. The girls decide that Poe's own work is what drove him to the bottle. Lorelai and Nicole share a snotty look. Did Lorelai give Nicole her pen back? Rory and Lindsay share a snotty look. Rory and Lorelai agree that there's a very weird "Poe" vibe in the room as we fade to commercial. Dude. How long was that scene?
The X-Men 2 trailers are so good that I want to see the movie, and I never even saw the first one. I don't even know who these people are, other than the sketch comedy skit I did with my troupe five years ago where they were all in group therapy to get over their anger issues. Sometimes I tell you guys things that not only did you not really need to know, there's no way in hell that any of you would have cared. You're going to break up with me, aren't you? I can tell your eye's starting to wander.
As Rory and Lorelai leave Miss Patty's, Rory comments that the readings were pretty good. Lorelai tells Rory she can't do that thing where you complain about something, but then you decide you like it once you've left because you can't separate the enjoyment you felt from the relief you feel once it's over. The first Poe walks up and tells Rory that he went to West Point, but was court-martialed in 1832 and had to leave. The second Poe interrupts here to correct the first Poe, saying that he was expelled in 1831. The Poes bicker about whether or not it was an election year where Jackson was expected to serve five more years or not. The first Poe says it was the same year his brother passed away. The second Poe drops the act and says, "Okay, that's not right either, Fred." Poe One still keeps up with the charade, saying he doesn't know who this Fred person is. The second Poe rips off his wig and spits, "Oh, knock it off! I'm tired." He walks away. Poe One excuses himself as Lorelai informs Rory that Poes are very testy people. Kirk's selling t-shirts outside the studio. Yesterday's Babette shirt is now at an eighty percent discount. Today's shirt? "faux poes foes." Kirk complains that the new shirts aren't selling any better than the old ones. "Keep the dream, Kirk," Lorelai says.
CuteDean and Lindsay walk up. Rory introduces Lindsay to Lorelai. Well, this is awkward. Why would CuteDean force Lindsay to meet Rory and Lorelai? Lorelai calls Lindsay the "Mark Twain Magnet-Head Girl." And then, because it isn't awkward enough, Lorelai forces Rory to retell the story about how Lindsay once bought a magnet for Rory back when they were both children. Lindsay, of course, doesn't remember the story, and doesn't really have fond memories of the occasion. Her face reads, "Well, if I did that, you still owe me five bucks for that magnet." CuteDean congratulates Rory on getting into Harvard. Rory's all, "Oh, yeah. Thanks." He boasts that he got into Southern Connecticut State. You know what that means? More CuteDean season! Huzzah! Rory and Lorelai congratulate CuteDean on a job well done. "You're…you're…wow!" Rory says. Lindsay says she has to get home, and CuteDean says he has to take her, so they leave. Lorelai asks Rory why Lindsay isn't nice anymore. How hard is that to figure out, ladies? I know you think Stars Hollow is just an anagram of "Lorelai and Rory Rule," but not everyone's a fan. Luke is somehow suddenly solo. I don't know where Nicole ran off to, but Lorelai wants to talk to him. Probably because he's not wearing his baseball cap and his new haircut is quite sexy. Rory tells Lorelai to try to make it home in time for Charlie Rose, because Billy Joel is on "and he might cry or something." Lorelai turns and immediately Luke is there, walking her home. Wouldn't they be walking one foot behind Rory? Lorelai asks how Jess's ceremony went. Luke says it was okay. He mentions how the manager said that Jess was working forty to forty-five hours a week. Lorelai scoffs that it's impossible for Jess to work so many hours. Luke says that Jess might be pulling double shifts on the weekends. "No, he's pretty much doing it with Rory on the weekends," Lorelai says. Ew. And…wait. What? Did we just skip over Rory losing her virginity? Because I think we should sue. Then, to give Jess the out for his own spin-off, he says, "Because he knows the rules. He's got to graduate to stay living with me." Luke kind of asks Lorelai to back off the topic. Once again Luke shrugs it off and Lorelai kind of giggles and then Luke gives her a shoulder pat good night.
Kirk asks the second Poe how he can have a career as a Poe. The Poe says that this isn't really his career, just an event he does. He writes technical manuals for a living. Kirk: "Yes, but how can I have a career as a Poe?"
It's five in the morning and Lorelai is in bed, sleeping. Rory walks in, carrying the cordless phone. She gets into bed and tells Lorelai to wake up. She says it's Tobin at the inn and something's wrong. The fire alarm is going off. Lorelai tells Rory to tell Tobin that the stupid alarm is always doing that, and if he doesn't smell smoke to turn it off and tell him he's fired and she's going to kick his ass around the lobby for waking her up. "He sounds freaked," Rory says, almost asleep, not really caring that clearly the inn is on fire. Lorelai takes the phone, and in four seconds she hangs up and tells Rory to get dressed. She gets out of bed. Lorelai wears $125 shirts to sleep.
Cut to the inn, where fire trucks and firemen do their thing. We don't see the fire, but we see the people wandering around. It's an overhead shot that finds Sookie and Michel standing in front of the guests. Oddly, hardly anyone is in pajamas or half-dressed. Lorelai storms up and asks the firemen what's going on. The chief asks her to wait a minute, as he's working on putting out the fire. Lorelai turns to Sookie and Michel and asks if everyone's out of the inn. They say yes. Lorelai remembers that Julio doesn't start until six, but he sometimes comes to work early because his sister-in-law gives him a ride on her way to work. Julio is standing right behind Lorelai. She runs over to him and holds him and calls him a bunch of compliments. The chief (Chief Baker) walks back to Lorelai, who for some reason isn't a pile of sobbing misery, begging other people to take care of this horrible problem. He says the fire is almost out, the structure's stable, and she can probably get back into the inn in twenty-four hours. Lorelai promises an eighty-foot statue erected in his honor. She turns back to Sookie and Michel and puts them to work instantly. She says they need food, computers with internet, and phones. "Michel, I need you on this stat. Hurry, hurry!" Michel wanders off-camera, where he will somehow make these things magically appear.
Lorelai turns to Rory and asks her to keep the children of the guests happy and entertained so the parents can have a little peace of mind. Rory says she doesn't really know anything about entertaining kids. Lorelai tells her to take her socks off and do a puppet show. Rory: "You've clearly never entertained kids either." Lorelai says it was all she could think of. She sends Rory off. Shouldn't Lorelai call the owner of the inn and have her come down to take care of things or assess the damage? Lorelai calls out to the guests, and tells them that they can't get into the inn for their things for at least a day, but if they want to go home immediately, she'll put them on a plane, train, or bus and ship their belongings to them as soon as they're allowed back inside. Otherwise they will provide everything they need, starting with the best breakfast of their lives. She sends Sookie to the market for breakfast supplies. Sookie leaves. I guess Sookie will be able to carry food for fifty in her arms. Lorelai finds Michel on his cell phone and asks whom he's talking to. "The Cheshire Cat Inn," he answers. Lorelai sighs in relief and walks past him. Michel: "Yes, my name is Michel Gerard. I used to work at Independence Inn. I was wondering if there were any positions available." Lorelai takes the phone out of his hand and hangs up. Michel says he's off to find phones and computers.
Now here's a stunning display of Lorelai's audacity. Luke's diner door opens, and in storms Sookie, Lorelai, grocery bags, and everybody from the inn. It seems that Lorelai is going to take over Luke's diner and feed her guests from his kitchen, not offering to give him a cent of profit. Not only that, she shouts out to the diner that anyone who would rather have Sookie's breakfast for free instead of the greasy filth Luke's serving for a price will be treated to her free breakfast. Lorelai dares Luke to kick her out, serving up her sob story in front of a group of people. Luke, of course, can't say no for many, many reasons, and lets Sookie back in his kitchen. Sookie offers Caesar twenty bucks for helping her out instead of doing his own cooking, working for Luke. Luke goes upstairs, as his own moneymaking diner is pretty much closed for the rest of the day. Amazing. Oh, and Luke said "Your Inn?!" which sounds like "Urine?!" which pleases the seven-year-old in me. Luke also learns here that Sookie's pregnant. Lorelai's bitchy crack: "Could you be any farther behind?" Sookie shouts for all of Luke's food to be dumped in the trash. "I don't wanna see it!" she shouts.
Rory's lost in a sock puppet show as four kids watch her. I wonder if all of this is leading up to Rory going to Yale and deciding to be a drama major instead of a news correspondent. Rory sees Lorelai and tells the kids she'll be back in a second. But it's said so awkwardly that I'm guessing it was some kind of improvised line. Alexis always seems so uncomfortable with filler dialogue. One of the kids begs her to keep doing her crap puppet show. Rory says, "Oh, calm down there, little Scooter, I'll be right back." Another uncomfortable line. Rory runs over to Lorelai and says the kids are riveted, but she sucks as a puppeteer. She keeps repeating the storyline. Lorelai says it's working. Scooter begs Rory to come back. Rory wonders why a lame sock puppet show isn't boring them to tears. Lorelai says it's Rory's narrative skills. Rory says she has to get to school eventually. Lorelai talks to the kids like they're unable to understand a single word she says. She tells them to go over to the diner and have breakfast with their parents. "And then ask the nice man in the baseball hat and the flannel shirt to do sock puppets for you! And if he says no just ask him louder! It's part of the game!" They force the poor Scooter kid to shout, "Oh, boy!" as he runs toward the diner. Leaving the blankets on the grass, Lorelai tells Rory to check in at Miss Patty's with her.
I love this scene. The new front desk is Miss Patty's studio, where Michel, Babette, and Miss Patty have made a mock workspace, with a computer, phone, and some official-looking books. "I love computers," Babette warbles, "I just know nothing about them. What does pushing that F3 button do?" Michel: "Annoy me to no end." Hee. "What about the F4?" The phone rings. Miss Patty answers: "Hello, this is the Independence Inn Emergency Headquarters. I'm Miss Patty. I'll be assisting you today. How many I help you? The printer will be here in half an hour. I'll let him know. Thank you. Goodbye." Michel immediately says, "I heard. And you have got to shorten your greeting." He tells her not to recite the Gettysburg Address every time she answers the phone. Miss Patty says she was Ricardo Montalban's assistant for six months and he never complained. Michel: "Who?" Miss Patty: "Don't make me hit you."
Lorelai and Rory walk in. Michel tells her that they've got a computer with internet, the phones forwarded, and a printer on the way. Miss Patty says she's the receptionist. Babette says she's learning the computer. Michel: "And I'm looking for my cyanide capsule. Have you seen it?" Lorelai thanks them for helping. She says that half the Poe group needs to stay another night, so they have to find places for all of those Poes to sleep. Michel says that every place is booked. Lorelai says they'll have to take people in. Miss Patty offers to house a couple. "I can too," Babette says. "We got cots. Ooo-hoo-hoo, we got cots." Michel, however, won't do it. "The Poes are weird. I'd fear being killed in my sleep. Plus I don't like strangers using my toilet." Babette offers the Kims, Taylor, and Al for putting other people up. Lorelai says they could take in a couple, too. Rory offers up her room. There's an argument about whether or not Lorelai should lose her bed, but Rory wins. Babette: "Hey, Michel!" Cue hysterical "help me" look from Michel as Babette continues. "I just hit F4 and the…num…lock key and the one with the little apple on it and it's FREAKING OUT like it's on acid or something." Best Babette line ever. The phone rings. Miss Patty answers: "Yeah?" Michel tells her to say more than that. Miss Patty tells him to make up his mind. Rory says she's got to go to school, but tells Lorelai to page her if there's any news. Lorelai asks if Rory means if Michel kills Babette and then Patty and then himself in a bizarre murder-murder-suicide pact. "Among other things." Lorelai pulls Rory in for a hug as she sighs. She holds her for a second and then sighs again. "We had a fire," she says. "I know," Rory says. Lorelai pouts and lets go of Rory, who walks off to school as Patty hands Lorelai the phone.
Chilton. A teacher announces the last midterm of their high school careers. It's a little late for midterms, isn't it? True to Chilton fashion, before the calculus teacher can say another word or teach one fact, the bell rings. The students gather their books. The calculus teacher stops everybody and announces that it's another banner year for Chilton grads getting into top colleges. She congratulates everyone who has heard, and advises patience for those who have not. She looks right at Louisa on this one, who looks back, worried. The teacher says that nobody has ever escaped Chilton without going on to some awesome school, if that's what he or she wanted. Then the teacher takes an awkward moment to announce that one of them has been accepted to Harvard (gee, who could that be? Why be so secretive, Math Lady? Everybody knows, since it was announced on C-SPAN last week). Then she gets even more annoying with that pretentious way of speaking: "It's an immense honor, that." It's shitty to the other students, that. Rory asks Louisa and Fraulein if they've heard from Paris, who hasn't been in school in five days. Louisa and Fraulein look around, just now noticing that Paris hasn't been in school. Louisa comments that it did seem like there was a lot more air in there. Rory takes her time grabbing her backpack, thinking and planning, pro-ing and con-ing.
In this ultra-linear episode, cut to Paris, who is flat on her bed, watching soaps. I guess Rory doesn't really need to hurry up and go home to help her mom, because she's outside Paris's front door. Poor Paris. Rory lets herself in and shows Paris the stack of homework she brought her. Paris puts it to the side. She tells Rory that her soap's starting. Rory asks if Paris is sick. "You know what's wrong," Paris says. "You of all people." She forces Rory to admit that she got accepted to Harvard, saying she can see her Harvard Glow all over her. Paris also has a bulletin board filled with Harvard paraphernalia. Harvard has made a pretty dime off this show. Paris says that her parents are out of town, she's been having her nanny hold her calls and mail, and she's been "totally Howard Hughes-ing it." She hasn't told her parents about Harvard. Paris says she can get an apartment in Cambridge, buy a Harvard sweatshirt, and talk about Mira Sorvino a lot -- her parents would never know the difference. She told her mother about having sex with Jamie, and her only reaction was to tell Paris how her father hasn't pleased her in fifteen years. I know only too well the conversation Paris is talking about. Paris complains and moans, wondering what happened, blaming her parents for not putting her in the right pre-schools. Paris says she found the spot in her interviews she's sure doomed her. Rory can't believe Paris taped her interview. Paris's plan was to archive her Harvard journey and then donate the tapes and scrapbooks to the college after her demise. On the tape, Paris is ranting about population control, talking a mile a minute, interrupting the interviewer to make her point. "I sound like a meth addict," she concludes after she stops the tape. Rory gives Paris a big pep talk, telling her to call Jamie so he doesn't think she hates him. Rory says she's got to tell her parents about Harvard, and she's got to get out of bed, read her mail, and find out where she's going to go to college. She tells Paris to get a life plan. Paris says there's no alternative to Harvard. Rory lists off five schools that are. Paris says she's not getting up right now, and will watch her soap until Adriana's wrongful assault charge is overturned. Rory says she understands. Paris thanks her. Rory leaves. Paris grabs a book off the stack of homework.
Loreali has set Fred Junior up on the living room couch. The kid's living high on the hog. His name's Fred Junior, so I'm guessing he's the son of Poe One. Lorelai makes him stop calling her "ma'am," because it makes her feel old. Fred Senior walks down the stairs and says they're out of toothpaste. But I'm not sure he's Poe One. I can't tell without the get-up, and I'm too busy laughing at the fact that he's been forced to wear one of Kirk's "babette ate oatmeal!" shirts. I can't believe Kirk hasn't made one about the fire that everyone's wearing instead. Lorelai tells him where the toothpaste is located. He says this is kind of fun. He gives a thumbs-up to Fred, Jr. as Lorelai says it's fun having everyone over.
Lorelai finds Rory in her room, making her bed for the guests. Rory says she now feels weird having strangers in her bed. Lorelai says she's pretty sure they're tired and won't want to have sex. Rory groans, because she wasn't even thinking about them having sex before. Lorelai says that's all she would have thought of. Rory says she's thinking about it now. Lorelai snoops through Rory's things, asking if she's all packed for Lane's. She finds Rory's Pro and Con list, which has changed a bit since the last time they talked. "Yale," Lorelai says. "Yale." Rory tells her to stop saying "Yale." Lorelai points out that it has double the pros than Harvard and triple over "dirty, filthy Princeton." Rory says she's not done collecting her data. Lorelai says it looks like she has. Rory is conflicted, because she's always said she was going to Harvard, and her mom didn't want her going to Yale since Richard did, and her wall's always been decorated in Harvard stuff. Lorelai says that Luke was right, and she shouldn't keep making a list. Rory says that Luke pointed out it was Harvard regardless of a list. Lorelai says that now she doesn't think it has to be Harvard, even though she was the one who said no to Yale. I love how Lorelai isn't pointing out the obvious here, which is that she wants Rory to stay in Stars Hollow and Rory wants to stay in Stars Hollow. Why don't they even discuss it? Lorelai tells Rory that what's right for her is what's right for both of them. Rory says she doesn't want Lorelai to hate the place she's going. "Never," Lorelai says. The Freds enter here, and ask if they're interrupting something. Lorelai tells them to fall right to sleep with no funny stuff, embarrassing Rory. Yeah, I think that's the first Poe, but without all the dark makeup. Wait. It's the couple from the inn who said they weren't Trekkies.
Back in the kitchen, Lorelai asks Rory where Jess is tonight. He's working, which I think are weird hours for a Wal-Mart. Are they twenty-four hours? Rory says that Jess is saving up for a new car, since the one he's got keeps stalling. It's better than the one she's got, which is invisible since Jess totaled it. I'm still pissed off about that. Lorelai asks if Jess is down to part-time at school and getting work credit. Rory says he's working full-time. Lorelai wonders how Jess can do all of that. Rory leaves and the doorbell rings.
It's the Hallistads. Instead of going home, they came back, because Lorelai made spending the night seem like so much fun. It appears that everyone in Stars Hollow, even visitors, have an inflated sense of entitlement. Lorelai shows them to their room, which is her room, which gives her no room. Poor Mrs. Hallistad hasn't had a line yet.
Rory and Lane are fixing two beds in what I think is the antique shop. Rory asks who's staying in Lane's room. It's the second Poe and his wife. Rory hopes that they're very, very tired. Rory's phone rings. It's Lorelai, saying she's a nomad, a wanderer, too sad for even a Hank Williams song. She's wandering the streets of Stars Hollow. She fills Rory in on what just happened. Rory tells Lorelai to go sleep at Luke's. "He'll make me eat a veggie burger!" she whines. Rory tells her to get moving to Luke's. Instead of calling Luke, Lorelai decides to scream his name and throw rocks at his window, waking up the elderly woman (who has the unfortunate name of Mrs. Slutsky [is that the oldest woman in Stars Hollow?]) who lives to Luke. After Lorelai screams a few lines from Ed Wood and recaps once again what happened, Luke says he's coming down to get Lorelai.
Lane's room. Lane's on the phone with Jung Chu, who has recently broken up with his girlfriend. Lane tells him she can't tell him a joke tonight because she told him one last night and she needs time to come up with a new one. She excuses herself off the phone. I can't believe Lane's getting to be on the phone at such a late hour. She tells him she'll call him tomorrow to tell him how her math test went. She hangs up. Rory can't believe that Jung Chu and his girlfriend have broken up. Lane says that the girl was "too WASP-y" anyway. Rory asks if Lane and Jung Chu are broken up yet. Lane says they're not, and MamaLane still thinks that they're the perfect Korean couple. They were supposed to have broken up by now so that Lane can date Dave, but Jung Chu thinks that it's not the right time to break up yet. Eventually Rory gets Lane to see that Jung Chu's clearly in love with her and has no plans to break up their fake relationship because he wants to be her boyfriend. Lane moans, saying she already has a boyfriend and she needs Jung Chu to break up with her so she can date Dave with her mother's permission. Lane's totally going to marry Jung Chu.
There's a knock on the window. It's Jess. Who knows how he knew, but he knew and he's there, totally putting Lane in trouble by standing in front of the Kim house. "Bizarro day, huh?" he asks. "Wouldn't want to repeat it," Rory says. Jess asks about the inn, so Rory can tell us that it was probably an electrical fire, and not something caused by Kirk. Rory tries to hide her pajama-clad chest (her cherry pajamas, thank you very much, shout-out costume staff) and rocks back and forth. Jess asks if something's the matter. Rory asks if he's going to school full-time. Jess asks where she got such a question. Rory admits that Lorelai asked her, and Jess gets all pissed off because Lorelai's always up in his business. "What else does she think I did? Start the fire? Put Phil Spector up to it?" You know, I hadn't thought of him being the one who started the fire, but now that he mentions it…Rory says that she told Lorelai he was going to school. "Well, as they say on The Family Feud, good answer." Asshole. I can understand him being an asshole to other people, but he really shouldn't take that tone with Rory. Rory asks if she lied to her mom when she told her that he was going to school. Jess says he's got everything covered. Rory offers to help him with his schoolwork if he's falling behind. He says everything's fine. He asks her to come out with him. MamaLane walks in. "What's this?" she asks. Lane instantly covers, saying that Jess was just leaving, but he came by to borrow something. Lane hands Rory a bronzed globe. She hands it to Jess, who can't play along to save -- literally -- Lane's life. "Thank you!" he says. He asks MamaLane if she's holding a baseball bat. "Cricket," she says. Jess walks off and MamaLane runs over to the window and locks it shut.
Lorelai and Luke are bickering about how to fix the sheets for the bed Lorelai will sleep in. Lorelai likes to tuck both sides in and then scootch into the bed so she's trapped inside the sheets like she's in a straitjacket. "Oh, you must feel right at home in there," he says. Lorelai mumbles that she set him up for that one. Luke walks back to the couch. Lorelai says she feels guilty about him sleeping on the couch and not his bed. Luke tells her she can't change her mind now after guilting him into taking the couch. Lorelai says she's not even tired, and is strangely exhilarated, proud of how she handled the situation today. The phone rings. It's Nicole. Luke tells her he's good, fills her in on the fire, and says it's been a crazy day. He asks how her "thing" was today, and makes plans to talk to her tomorrow. After he hangs up, Lorelai "Meddler" Gilmore asks why he didn't mention she was staying the night. Luke says it didn't really come up. After some chitchat, he admits that Lorelai's a bit of a sore point with Nicole, since on their first date, all Luke ended up doing was talking about Lorelai. Now Nicole really doesn't like Lorelai, since Luke clearly has a thing for her. Lorelai scolds Luke for talking about another woman on a first date, saying he shouldn't talk about any woman, that no other woman exists, including a mother or a sister. I can't believe Luke's serving coffee this late at night. Luke looks pretty awesome in his thermal shirt and no hat. Lorelai tells him to abide by the dating rules and customs. She asks him to set the alarm for "super-early" tomorrow -- six. Luke says he gets up every morning at quarter to five. Lorelai and I both shudder with horror. Lorelai tells Luke she's got a sudden déjà vu from Luke setting the alarm clock. She tells him about the dream she had that opened our third season, where Lorelai was woken up by eighteen alarm clocks, came downstairs to the kitchen where Luke was making coffee, and let him kiss her stomach and discuss their twins. Luke asks if the twins were his. "What am I, dream tramp?" Lorelai asks. "Of course yours." Luke: "We were married?" Lorelai: "Uh, yeah. Did I not mention that?" Luke: "No." Weird moment of silence. Luke tells Lorelai that she shouldn't drink coffee when she's pregnant, and that's probably why Rory is such a caffeine addict. "Right. You're right." Luke asks if the dream went beyond that. Lorelai says that it didn't, stopping herself before she tells him that they kissed. He tells her good night. She does the same.
Skipping the potentially awesome scene where Jess discovers Lorelai in Luke's bed, we cut to the middle of the night, when Jess and Luke are snoring so loudly that Lorelai wakes up. She tries to cover her ears with pillows. She gets up, but we don't see where she goes or what happens. Okay. What a weird way to end that scene.
The morning, Rory points out that Sookie and Luke are getting along. Lorelai says it's a grudging respect sort of thing, but as we watch them talk to each other, planning the menu for the day, they seem to be genuinely getting along. Jess comes downstairs, off to school. Luke, Lorelai, and Rory give him untrusting looks. Luke asks why he's off to class so early. Jess says he's got a lab project. Luke tells him to have a good day. "I have no choice," he says. He gives Rory a "hey," a kiss, and a "talk to you later." Lorelai breaks the rules and answers her cell phone inside the diner. Sure, why not? You've already changed all the other daily rules about the place. As she answers the phone, she tells Rory that her boyfriend snores. "Didn't need to know that," Rory says. Yes, you do, prude. It's the fire chief on the phone, telling her that she can come down to the inn. Lorelai professes her love for the gentleman, and then tells everyone in the diner that they can come and get their things soon. Fred the First Poe gives Lorelai a present on behalf of the group -- it's the stuffed raven. "Oh, wow," Lorelai says. "Wow" is the new "cherry/amazing" this episode. Lorelai, unable to ever fake gratitude, says it's the nicest fake bird she's ever gotten. She thanks Fred, but the second Poe pipes up and reminds Lorelai that it's from all of them. Lorelai thanks the Poe Society and then asks Sookie for help. Sookie barks some orders at Luke and then runs off with Lorelai. Rory says she needs to go change for school. She didn't bring her Chilton uniform to Lane's?
Michel and the fire chief are already standing at the door to the inn when Sookie and Lorelai arrive. Lorelai is so excited about getting back inside the inn. She tells Michel she wants to get all of the guests' stuff into the lobby and organize them. She wants Sookie to get into the kitchen and make the guests something for dinner. The fire chief stops Lorelai here, and tells her to take things a little more slowly. She's going to want to once she sees the damage inside her inn. Again, where's the owner?
Lorelai, Sookie, and Michel walk into the inn. For a place that was on fire, it seems to have suffered very little water damage. But the rest of the place is covered in soot and ash. The chandelier is on the ground. There are tarps all over the place, for some reason. One weird police tape is strung between the doorjambs. I understand they were just trying to make it "look" like it had been through a fire, but this looks like a dinner theatre set. They took everything off the (still perfectly painted) walls. Lorelai, Sookie, and the La-La closing credit song girl are trying hard to pull at our heartstrings, though, so I'll just go with it.
Meanwhile, Rory walks home through the kitchen door, absolutely nothing in her hands. Did she leave her stuff at Lane's? Doesn't she have a purse? School books? She walks into her room and sees that the entire place has been decorated in Yale stuff. No more Harvard on her walls. It's Yale, Yale, Yale. There's even a cutout of Rory's head wearing a Yale sweatshirt.
Lorelai and Sookie are very sad at the burnt inn.
Rory stares at the Yale Pro/Con list tacked to the wall. She turns around, looks at the wall of her room that has no decorations, and smiles proudly.
Lorelai looks down and sees that Papaya is completely safe, just a little bit of soot on her precious paws. One clean tail. Lorelai picks up Papaya.
One of Kirk's t-shirts rests on Rory's bed: "rory's going to yale!" Now. Was this the work of Lorelai? If so, when did she have time? How did Kirk make a shirt so quickly? Someone emailed to say that Jess did it, and that was his "lab." If that was the case, Jess not only somehow has a key to their house, he did all of that in about ten minutes. So, I'm assuming that somehow Lorelai got home early in the morning during all of the Luke sleepover stuff, woke up the Poes, and had time to buy out the neighborhood Yale store. Fine. I'll go with it, anyway. Rory sits on her bed and smiles.
Michel, Sookie, Lorelai, and Papaya survey the damage to the inn. Now there's water dripping from the ceiling. As the episode fades out, Jessica asks, "Now what's going to happen?" I tell her that Sookie and Lorelai have been wanting to open an inn, and probably the owner will now sell this place to Lorelai and they'll fix it up together, maybe opening up the inn for Paris and Rory (and Louisa and Fraulein) to live in when they go to Yale, and it'll be a regular Facts of Life in here. "That inn was ugly anyway," Jessica says. "You put that in your recap. Uh-glee." I look at her. "It had blue walls and that ugly floor and that shitty furniture," she says. "It was ugly." "I can't believe you thought Miss Patty was a man," I say to her. "I can't believe your show sponsors Wal-Mart," she scoffs, and leaves the room.
week, the lovely Kim will be subbing for me as Lorelai turns thirty-five.