“ Lorelai tells Rory that she's in touch with 'the other side.' 'With Republicans?' Rory asks. I guess political humor is just going to be a part of Season Three. There's nothing we can do. ”
Previously on Gilmore Girls: Rory liked Jess. Lane met a cute boy. Rory liked Jess. Jess liked Shane. Rory liked CuteDean. Lane liked Music Boy. Rory liked Jess.
We open at Luke's. It's evening, and Jess is hard at work at the counter, reading a book. Lorelai tells Rory that she's in touch with "the other side." "With Republicans?" Rory asks. I guess political humor is just going to be a part of Season Three. There's nothing we can do. Apparently, Lorelai's been having these incredible premonitions. Luke brings over two plates of hamburgers. "Dead cow," he announces as he drops each plate to the table. Lorelai speaks in hushed, ominous tones as she announces that her premonitions have been about death -- specifically, her own death: "And the thing is, they're all silly." Of course they are. In one, Lorelai slips on a banana peel and falls into a vat of whipped cream. "Silly and fattening," Rory says. In another, a turtle eats her: "Very slowly, with lots of chewing." She couldn't run away due to immobilizing poison. Her goriest is where she's out hunting ("A favorite Lorelai pastime," Rory notes), and she shoots herself in the face, spinning her face around like Daffy Duck's beak. Lorelai makes Rory promise to move her face back to the front of her head if this ever happens. Rory says it depends on what she's got going on at the time.
Lane busts into the diner at this point and shouts, "Hello, Stars Hollow! Are you ready to rock?" Lorelai guesses that Lane has band practice tonight. Lane sits herself down at the table and proceeds to eat Rory's food (no wonder Rory's so skinny this season) as she gushes about her band. They're learning their fourth song tonight, which means they practically have a set. Lane knows that the set leads to the gig, which leads to the record deal. Lorelai orders Lane to swallow her food before she continues. Lane, still with food in her mouth, continues gushing about how this is the start of their battle with fame where they eventually break up. I guess that music shop run by Carole King is still around, because that's where Lane rehearses, borrowing drums she doesn't own. She says it's really time-efficient to rehearse there, because it's right to her house, and she's home in time to watch Korean TV with MamaLane, who thinks she's out with Lorelai and Rory, which isn't exactly a lie since she's out with them right now. Lane explains that this is a fib, and not a lie, and that a fib isn't as bad as a lie. Lane knows the difference because her stomach feels horrible when she lies, like a wild animal burrowing into her. Lorelai says that's another one of her premonitions of her own death. Lane has to go, since she's trying to save the name of drummers everywhere by being on time for rehearsals. She snatches Rory's hamburger and leaves. Rory takes Lorelai's hamburger. Lorelai says that the band thing isn't really working out for her. She gives Rory a napkin to wrap her food as they stand. Lorelai says goodbye to Luke as the door opens. "Turn sideways!" Probawhore barks as she whips between Rory and Lorelai so that she can Velcro her face to Jess's as soon as humanly possible. "That girl's a freak," Lorelai says for no real reason. Jess and Probawhore make out as Rory and Lorelai leave the diner. "Make a hole," Luke tells Jess and Probawhore as he passes through with food. Dirty! Jess and Probawhore go back to kissing as we fade to opening credits.
One Has Class and the Other One Dyes
“ Inside the shop, we hear the most hesitant version of 'London Calling' ever. It's like they're trying to play in the background of people talking. ”
Okay, so outside the music shop we watch the ever-meandering townsfolk of Stars Hollow as we listen to the sounds of Lane's new band playing quietly. Inside the shop, we hear the most hesitant version of "London Calling" ever. It's like they're trying to play in the background of people talking. The band is headed by none other than Todd Lowe, an actor/musician friend of mine who went to college with me. One of my very first scenes at the University of Texas was with him. Embarrassing but true fact: my ex-boyfriend and I called him "The Wiz," named after the Seinfeld episode where Elaine's boyfriend had something about his stare that made you just dumb up and smile around him. Once, my ex-boyfriend gave up a parking spot to Todd Lowe. After the sheepish smile left his face, he looked at me and yelled, "He's the Wiz! Nobody beats him!" Anyway, Todd's doing his best Joe Strummer, considering that he's not really allowed to rock out. Dave's guitar isn't hooked up to any amp, anyway.
Dave, Lane's new rock god boy, stops everyone and says that something's missing. "Yeah, volume!" Todd Lowe shouts as he turns to Lane accusingly. Lane says the agreement was that they got free practice space as long as they played quietly. Dave asks Todd to try to live with it. He calls him "Zach," but I'm ignoring it. Poor Todd Lowe then has to say, "Dude. Brian's breathing is louder than the song." Brian's got a deviated septum. It runs in the females of his family, and himself. Todd Lowe says Brian's septum is throwing him off. Lane suggests that Brian hold his breath while they play. Lane tries to start the song up again, but Todd Lowe says the bottom line is that breathing shouldn't be louder than a rock band: "Am I right, or am I right?" He tells Dave that they need to "crank it up." Lane suggests that they listen harder, which will make it sound louder. Dave asks if there's any leeway. Lane says they might be able to move it up half a notch. Todd Lowe unplugs his guitar and gives up. "Dude. Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this," they make him say. "It's a waste of time." Lane runs over to Todd Lowe and babbles a billion words about how MamaLane has special hearing that can detect non-Christian music being played and will immediately come over and shut them down. Brian says that he's bailing if Todd Lowe's bailing. Lane says she's not exaggerating. She tells a story about how Kirk was once playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with his band, the Kirk Gleason Five (Kirk fans, there's your new bit of trivia), and MamaLane shut them down so quickly that the band left without their instruments and never looked back. To this day, the sound of Queen makes Kirk tear up. Brian says, "Sorry." Todd Lowe practically falls asleep as he says, "Having a free practice space was cool and all but...not like this." Brian says they should just rent a space in Hartford. Lane says there's no way she can get to Hartford. They might as well practice in Paris, or Iceland, or the moon. Dave grabs Lane's arm and throws her out the front door.