We open in the Gilmore living room, as Rory and Lorelai gleefully dissect The Brady Bunch Variety Hour. To quote South Park: "Simpsons already did it!" The mailman arrives with Rory's Harvard application. She's practically breathless at the sight of it. Lorelai runs over and coos at the fancy lettering. Rory worries that she was watching The Brady Bunch Variety Hour as her Harvard application arrived in the mail. Lorelai asks if she'll lose points for that. Rory moans that just this morning she was reading Dead Souls. Lorelai decides that they'll just lie and say that Rory was reading that book while Lorelai was studying a "really big globe." Nobody will ever know the truth. They shake on it. "Oh, kayaks!" Lorelai shouts as she returns to the television. Rory cuddles her Harvard application as we fade to black.
Kitchen. Lorelai holds the application and says, "Come on. I wanna get started." Rory -- selecting a soda out of the fridge -- says, "Hold your horses there, Little Miss Horsey-Holder." And that's when I knew this script was written by Daniel Palladino. Rory opens her soda so that it spills all over the table, and in a complete disregard of pre-established character traits, it's Lorelai who is worried that Rory might spill on the application, while Rory claims she's "nowhere near it," when we can all see that she's at the same table as her long-awaited Harvard application, which would make her quite near it, indeed. In spilling reach, actually. When Rory opened that soda and it fizzed up and splashed like it did? She probably spilled a couple of drops on the application. That should have sent Rory shrieking. She should have sipped her soda carefully in the other room and had Lorelai call out the questions from a safe thirty- to fifty-foot distance. She would have had the questions transcribed onto a rehearsal application and kept the real application somewhere safe until she was ready for the final draft. Lorelai holds up a bottle of 409 and brags that the table is very clean, since she cleaned it with something stronger than the sleeve of her sweater and spit. Lorelai reads the first question and gasps: "What you were doing the moment you received this application counts as 50% of your eligibility."
Lane enters from the bedroom. "I need help," she moans. Lorelai asks, "With what?" as if she wouldn't already know why Lane's been hiding out in the bedroom all morning. Rory says that Lane's working on her "Drummer Seeks Rock Band" ad. Rory tells Lane that her ad is two pages, single-spaced, and way too long. Lane will have to cut some of her rock-band influences from the text of the ad. Lane says she's already made painful cuts (from the "A"s, she's cut AC/DC, The Animals, and A-Ha). She runs back into the bedroom, saying she'll try to make cuts, but that she can't make any guarantees. Back to the application. Lorelai asks Rory to list her full name. "Better not get that one wrong!" she says. "I'll try," Rory says. "And nickname, if any," Lorelai says. "That'd be Rory," Rory says. Ladies and gentlemen, the most pointless four lines of Gilmore Girls dialogue ever. Lorelai tells Rory that she used to call her "Droopy Drawers" back, back in the day, back when Rory wore these overalls that were too big, when she was, like, four or something. That story is even more pointless than the past four lines. Lorelai keeps reading the application. "Mother: Breathtaking." Then, "Father: Ostracized." They share a quiet moment over that. Lorelai suggests that Rory write her essay about her Droopy Drawers. "Enough with the drawers!" Rory shouts in unison with everyone watching this episode. Lorelai says that she could write about a person who's had a significant influence on her. "You?" Rory suggests. Lorelai says that an author might be better. "Sylvia Plath?" Rory asks. Lorelai says that might send the wrong impression, what with the gas and all. "Although she did make her kids a snack first," Lorelai says. "Shows a certain...maternal instinct." ["That seems like a logical place to make some reference to the fact that Plath's rejection from a Harvard writing class was a major turning point in her life, but hey, that might leave less space in the episode for Lane to talk about The Archies or whatever." -- Wing Chun]
Lane bursts back into the room, upset that her two-thousand-word ad is going to cost $500. Rory tells Lane to cut the influences down even more. Lane has to list Bowie, but she doesn't necessarily have to mention every album recorded plus a personal rating of each, between one and ten. Then there's a discussion of Jackson Browne and how knowing he's more than a "mellow, hippie-dippie folky" will separate the poseurs from the non-poseurs. "Wax on, wax off," Rory says, which I don't think really works in this situation. Lorelai goes back to reading the application and asks Rory what activities interest her. "All of them," Rory answers. Except sports. That can't possibly be true. I've yet to see Rory play one game of chess. The application asks for a picture, for some reason, so Lorelai suggests the one where they are sticking their heads through a cardboard cutout of Johnny Bravo and Spongebob Squarepants. Lane opens the door and announces that she's going to have to crank the Ramones if she must make deep cuts. She slams the door and jams "I Wanna Be Sedated." Rory suggests that they move outside. "The outside's contaminated!" Lorelai says. Rory grabs the bottle of 409, and they make their exit. Was I just recapping that scene for forever? Because it sure felt that way.
Luke's. Rory thanks Luke for the cup of coffee. He asks her if they let kids drink coffee before school. Rory asks if Luke's worried it'll lead to harder stuff: "Lattes, cappuccinos." Luke tells her to forget he asked. Rory asks CuteDean what he's doing on Saturday. He says he'll be busy with the usual chores. She asks if he wants to see a movie with her. He says he already knows she won't be free because she'll be working on her Harvard application. Rory says it's not due for weeks, and that she already has her essay topic picked out. It's Hillary Clinton. "Sounds perfect," CuteDean says. Snoresville, if you ask me. "I know!" Rory says. "She's so smart and tough and nobody thought she could win New York but she did and she's doing amazing." This show's been pretty heavy on the political tip recently, huh? Rory goes on about how Clinton's a great speaker and even her suits are improving. Rory says that now she just needs a date for Saturday. CuteDean agrees. "Oh, there's my bus," Rory says. "Sip!" she says, sipping her coffee. "Kiss!" she says, accepting a very chaste kiss from CuteDean. Again, check out that girl's priorities. She is her mother's daughter. Coffee first, no matter how bad the kissing-breath might become. Rory skips off. "Fast runner," Luke says to CuteDean. "It's the coffee," CuteDean explains. "Not your face?" Luke asks. CuteDean: "Excuse me?" Luke: "Sorry. Just...missed my youth for a few seconds. I'm back." Luke gets distracted when he sees Cardigan Man (back in his Cardigan, thank God. Weren't we all worried there for a second?) taking pictures of the building door to Luke's. The building Luke bought a million episodes ago and has done nothing with. The strummy-strummy-la-la continues as Luke stares.
Chilton. Paris is yelling at some professor-type that this is her natural speaking voice and its normal volume. She runs over to Rory and says, "Short-sighted morons." She complains that she went to a lot of trouble to set up this seminar and the professor-type won't let Paris run it the way she wants. Rory says they'll just sit up there and ask the experts questions. Paris says that's predictable, boring, and done to death. She wanted to do some kind of Charlie Rose with them. She wanted a roundtable with black backdrops. Rory wonders how anybody would see anything. Paris says she was working with the "losers in A/V club" to set up video screens. Then she says her professor said, "Paris, this isn't the Beatles at Shea Stadium." Paris continues: "Nice anachronism, huh? Like they had video screens in '63." She means 1965, but that's Daniel Palladino's problem, and not Paris's. "His references are as topical as his suits," Paris says, and I'll just leave that one out there. It's too easy, and might even be Paris making a shout-out to me talking about Daniel. They call Paris and Rory to the stage.
Paris introduces the seminar. It's a panel to discuss the best way to get into the college you want. One panelist is an admissions officer at Princeton, and the other is a college consultant. Paris asks what would be the biggest mistake a person could make on an application. "Forgetting to send it in would be the worst mistake, but perfunctory answers would be high on my list," Princeton says. He says that he wants original answers, interesting answers. He holds his head in his hands and bemoans the thought of having to read another essay on Hillary Clinton. Cue the shocked pout from Rory. "I hear that," Consultant says so stiltedly and awkwardly, I can't help wondering if she's making fun of the line. Why can't they hire one good under-five on this show? Are they terrified of any acting out-acting the excellent actors on this show, or is everyone hired as a favor? Both speakers agree that anyone who would write an essay on Hillary Clinton either is trying to write what he or she thinks the admissions officer is looking for, or has no original thoughts. Paris says that when she was twelve and writing one of her trial essays in preparation for the real thing, she chose Hillary Clinton. "Then I realized every brain-dead bint in a skirt would be writing about Hillary. But, it was good to clear the pipes." Princeton says they don't like people with poor printing. They don't like people who say they love every single extra-curricular activity. Bad Actress says that the activities should indicate a personality behind them -- a focus. "Again, you're trying too hard there. One can't be interested in everything!" Princeton jokes that the applicant who expresses interest in every extra-curricular activity is probably the type of person to have college paraphernalia on his or her walls growing up. This had better be a nightmare sequence for Rory, because it's such bullshit. "Too hungry! A little immature!" adds Princeton. Paris, starting to freak out, asks Rory if she'd like to ask a question. "No," Rory pouts. "No, thank you." Paris asks how early a student should send in an application. Princeton says that it just needs to be in by the due date. Early Admission is for pussies. Rory freaks out as Princeton describes the "hyper-intense candidate."
Emily's. Lorelai's already there, and Rory's on her way. Lorelai explains to Emily that Rory had a rumble after school. Emily shows Lorelai some college issues of magazines that she's been collecting for Rory over the years. Lorelai thanks her and says that Rory's probably seen all of them. Emily says that Lorelai should read them, since she's heard some shocking statistics over the years. The competition for Harvard is very hot: "People from China, Russia, India. Children from every country apply to Harvard. There's more competition than ever before." Lorelai says she knows that. "With the dot-com busts and the job market dwindling and the stock market going up and down like a yo-yo, everyone and his brother knows the best chance for success and financial security is not just to go to college, but to go to a top college," Emily adds. Oh, man. I'm falling asleep. Emily says that every kid who applies is just as qualified, all with the same résumé and GPA. She says that kids often get picked at random, since every single applicant is going to be just as good as another. She continues, saying that it's the new hot thing for young Hollywood celebrities to go to college, and that they get in on name recognition alone: "I was watching TV and that insipid Kate Hudson was talking about going to a university." It's the first and last time I'll ever agree with Daniel, but man, do I hate Kate Hudson. Lorelai goes to get them both drinks. Lorelai tells Emily again to butt out and not to worry about it, as if Emily hasn't been paying for Rory's education up until now and will certainly be paying for whatever college expenses Rory's scholarships don't cover. Lorelai says that Rory is special. Emily says that she and Lorelai know that, but that the idiots at Harvard may not realize it on their own. Rory enters, upset and flustered, and asks to talk to Lorelai alone. They're so rude to Emily. Lying right to her face like that.
Once in the library, Rory tells Lorelai she's not getting into Harvard. She's completely unprepared and has no original thoughts. Lorelai says it's the fault of the jerks at Harvard who are too lazy to glance at the applications. Rory says it won't even matter, since her Hillary Clinton essay will be just like every other girl's Hillary Clinton essay. Lorelai asks how it's possible for everyone to have the same GPA. It's called a 4.0. Lots of people have done it, Lor. Rory says she has to limit her interest in things. From now on, she'll only be interested in travel. Lorelai freaks out and says that Rory can't do that, because all of the foreign students are freaks for travel, and that's why they're traveling to America for college. Rory pouts and huffs. Lorelai shrieks and freaks and I'm going into automatic shut-off with the high-pitched wailing. They are actually panting as they argue over who's allowed to freak out. Rory's cell phone rings. It's Paris. She's freaking out. Rory doesn't have time for Paris and her freak-outs, so she pretty much just hangs up on her. Lorelai and Rory force themselves to calm down by taking deep breaths. I love how Emily isn't supposed to be able to hear them yelling, and wouldn't have burst in to give her two cents on the entire thing. More bad lines about whether or not Rory can just accept the fact that she's not good enough. They agree that they need therapy and booze. They go back into the other room as we fade to commercial.
Lorelai's kitchen. The phone rings. It's someone asking for Lane in response to her ad. Lorelai takes the message, mocking the kid on the phone, and calling him "dude" a few times before pretty much hanging up on him. Lorelai yells for Rory to get up. The phone rings again. As Lorelai enters, Lane bursts into the room to take the call. She runs into the living room with the cordless. Rory enters, moaning and pouty, saying she didn't sleep so well. She opens the box of donuts as Lane walks back into the room telling the person on the phone that progressive rock was a great influence on music. She raids the refrigerator as she discusses bands I don't care about (Yes, Jethro Tull, The Jam). She worries out loud to Lorelai and Rory when her caller doesn't know who The Jam is. Lorelai tells Rory to skip college: she can drop out, and they'll form an all-girl band with Lane. I am ignoring the bad Bananarama joke they made here. Rory starts to leave as Lorelai wraps a donut in a napkin for her. Lane whines from the other room to her caller that she's so upset he didn't know that Kim Deal was in The Pixies before she was in The Breeders. "These kids have no sense of history!" Lane shouts after she hangs up on her caller.
Luke's. A kid walks up and asks for "an ice-cold egg cream." The other patron informs Luke as to what an egg cream is, and then says he used to get them at Coney Island. "Go to Coney Island," Luke tells the kid. Another kid walks up and asks for a Brown Cow. He wants the ice cream in his root beer and ice cream to have been made the old-fashioned way: on the premises. Luke knows something's up, and it's confirmed when Kirk walks in and orders a chocolate phosphate. Luke asks why Kirk wants a phosphate. Kirk deadpans, "Because nothing says refreshment like a phosphate." Luke storms out with Cardigan Man's crew.
Doose's Market. Luke asks Cardigan Man what the hell is going on. Cardigan Man asks who finked. Kirk points at the kid. "Him. Him!" he says. "Snitch!" the kid sneers back. Cardigan Man confesses that he's trying to let Luke know about his great idea: an old-fashioned, turn-of-the-century soda shop. Luke actually has to say, "Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi." Cardigan Man says it'd be a "wholesome hang" for "today's teens." Luke says that Stars Hollow's streets are pretty safe. Cardigan Man shows Luke surveillance photos of Stars Hollow, exposing its seedy underbelly. "These are kids on skateboards," Luke says. Cardigan Man says "Z-Boys" and "Dogtown," both terms I'm sure there's no way in hell Cardigan Man would know. Luke says he doesn't want Cardigan Man's shoppe to the diner. Not just no, but hell no. Luke says that if he dies he wants to be frozen to Ted Williams, and when they thaw him he'll ask how Ted's doing and then he'll say, "Taylor, no." Cardigan Man asks what Luke's plans are for the space to the diner. Luke plans on opening a skateboard and pop bottle shop with in-house experts to teach the sport of street slaloming. Kirk asks Luke if he's taking applications for his skateboard and bottle shop. Luke says he's interviewing today. Kirk asks if he should go home and change or if casual will suffice. Luke says he likes the "go home" part.
Lorelai reads a really old Entertainment Weekly on her couch as Rory comes home. Lorelai says she talked to Headmaster Charleston, and now has a solution to Rory's application anxiety. Blah blah babbling, and then finally Lorelai tells Rory that she got a name of a Harvard graduate with whom Rory could set up an alumni dinner. Then she'll have a connection at Harvard. Rory says it sounds a little weird. Lorelai says she'll go, too, and that the worst that could happen is they blow the free meal. Rory admits she has some questions, so Lorelai says they should call him right now. His name is Darren Springsteen. Lorelai tells Rory to ask if he's got a brother named Bruce. Rory calls. "It's ringing," she says. Then she promptly hangs up the cordless phone. Rory is uncharacteristically panicked about having to call this alumnus to talk with him. "I'm not good at these things!" she whines. The phone rings. Lorelai and Rory worry that Darren has just Star 69ed them. The answering machine picks up. Lorelai's changed the outgoing message to something stupid about Lane's band. It's someone calling about the ad. Lorelai dials Darren's number again. Rory begs to do it later, holding the phone as it rings. Then once the phone picks up, Rory makes this weird whining noise and tosses the phone to Lorelai who makes a baby voice as she pretends to be a semi-stupid Rory asking to have dinner with this grown-up man. I'm really hating this episode. Lorelai makes plans for lunch on Saturday. "You're no Danny Gans," Rory says as Lorelai hangs up the phone. Rory's suddenly very happy and giggly about it. She kisses Lorelai and thanks her as we finally get another commercial.
As Rory and Lorelai walk to the front door of Darren's house (did they drive there, or is he just outside Stars Hollow?), Rory explains the difference between "alumni," "alumnae," "alumnus," and "alumna." Darren answers the door, and I can see the Jeep in the background, answering my question. Lorelai introduces herself. Darren calls Rory his family's "raison d'être." Darren and Lorelai small-talk about Stars Hollow and their charming little pumpkin mishap. Rory gives Darren her records. "Rory in a bag," Lorelai explains. Darren says he'd rather just talk this afternoon, and get to know each Rory. "You're a very nice alumni," Lorelai says as Darren leaves the room. Rory corrects her that the word is "alumnus," and Lorelai curses.
Lorelai and Rory meet Marie, Darren's wife and all-around perfect suburban lady. She offers them iced tea or water. They both take iced tea. Isn't this all so interesting and important to the advancement of the scene? Darren and Rory discuss his modern art collection. He loves Hockney and Klein, but doesn't have a Diebenkorn, so she shoudln't ask him where it is. Lorelai jokes that he stopped her just in time. Ho ho ho. Darren shows off his Zoltan Kemeny. Darren asks Rory what her interests are. Blah blah blah Russian authors. Rory says she's into Gogol and is reading Dead Souls. I Google Gogol to make sure I'm spelling it all correctly. Lorelai goes on about how Rory was reading that book when her Harvard application arrived, adding that their television is really more of a funny little table to put their Chai tea on. Darren says he loves television and watches lots of sports. He asks Rory if she likes sports. As Rory says she doesn't, Lorelai says that Rory does. Lorelai says they follow certain things. "We enjoy various aspects of certain sporting endeavors," Rory tries to explain. Lorelai says they wouldn't be able to answer any follow-up questions. Darren says he collects sports memorabilia as well.
The whitest kids in the world enter the building in their tennis whites, and to continue the shout-out tradition of Season Three, one of them went to college with Djb. Jack and Jennifer are chummy sibs. Very chummy sibs, if you know what I mean. Jennifer, who looks a little like Jennifer Jason Leigh, immediately wants to schedule some time with Rory to discuss Harvard. She sits too close to Rory. Jennifer says she'll make a note in her Palm Pilot. Marie finally comes back with the iced tea. She says they should get the chicken going. The word "chicken" is said a few times as Darren announces that he's making his famous chicken for lunch. He tells Rory to "peruse" his old Harvard yearbooks. Jack tells Jennifer it's time for them to take a shower. "Ew," Lorelai says. Rory tells Lorelai not to be gross. Lorelai asks, "What? They bounced in together, they bounce out together." Rory tells Lorelai to lay off the slanderous posturing. Lorelai wonders how they could have just played tennis when neither of them was sweating. "Maybe when you're that white you don't sweat," Rory offers. Rory says that Darren is really nice and wonders if he likes her. They recap the mistakes they've recently made about sporting endeavors and Chai tea holders. Then Lorelai can't stop saying "Zoltan Kemeny" because it's funny. Rory begs her to stop until Marie comes back in and apologizes for interrupting the fun. Lorelai says they were joking about the photographs in the Harvard yearbook. Marie lets the girls have their fun.
Lunch. Lorelai thanks Marie for making such a beautiful table, and says they didn't have to go to so much trouble. Darren says it's their pleasure. Jennifer enters and coos, "Nice-looking lunch, Mom!" This family sucks. Rory and Lorelai take their seats as Lorelai notices a family portrait. There's another daughter in their family. Lorelai asks where she is. After an uncomfortable amount of stammering and pondering, the Springsteens say that the other daughter is off doing her own thing. Lorelai apologizes for asking. The other daughter's name is Carol, and she's a year ahead of Rory. "She's following her own path," Marie explains.
Time for a huge lunch. Darren tells Jack and Jennifer that they'll have to fight over the breast again, "as [they] always do." Lorelai and Rory share a look. Darren asks Lorelai where she went to college. Lorelai explains that she was too busy being pregnant. Rory brags that Lorelai went back to school at night and got her degree last year. Marie says it's wonderful. Darren calls it "refreshing," and says it might be to Rory's benefit to show Harvard how determined her mother is, and how they struggle for things. Nothing came in one fell swoop. He asks the origin of "one fell swoop." Jack says that it's Shakespeare. Darren asks a follow-up question, asking in which play Falstaff appears. Jack says that he appeared in the following: Henry the IV (Part I and II) and The Merry Wives of Windsor. Darren asks if it was a different Falstaff in Henry V. Jack curses. ["If you've seen Quiz Show, you've seen this scene already. Darren is no Paul Scofield, and Jack is sure as hell no Ralph Fiennes." -- Wing Chun] I've got an idea. The rest of this scene is mostly just bullshit and annoying trivia that I had to look up when I lowered myself enough to try to be a question-writer on Win Ben Stein's Money and Hollywood Squares and didn't get the gig on either. So, from now on, instead of writing all of this crap down, I'm just going to say "Pretentious Trivia," and you'll know what I'm talking about, okay? Because it's got to be even more boring to read than it was to watch. Darren explains that they love doing quizzes at meals to keep their minds sharp. Lorelai dumps food onto her plate and declares it very Kennedy-esque. Jennifer gushes that they love the Kennedys. "As do we all," Lorelai says with a wave of her hands. Pretentious Trivia for Jack. Pretentious Trivia for Jennifer. Pretentious Trivia for Darren. Inappropriately sexual pass at Darren by his daughter Jennifer, who thinks Daddy's brilliant. Pretentious Trivia. Nobody knows it but Rory. Jack and Jennifer Stepford "Very good, Rory!" Lorelai takes more bottled water as Darren asks her Pretentious Trivia. Lorelai, lacking the good book-learnin' and schoolin', doesn't get the answer, so Jennifer swoops in and saves her. Pretentious Trivia. Lorelai doesn't know the answer, but she knows that Istanbul is Constantinople. Rory asks to wash her hands. Marie tells her that the downstairs bathroom is being remodeled, so she'll have to go upstairs at the end of the hall. Lorelai compliments the painting on the wall. Pretentious Trivia. Pretentious Trivia. Darren announces a "Round Robin" round.
Rory wanders upstairs and meets Clichéd Older Sister Carol, who isn't a bad kid, just a kid who doesn't feel like going to college right now and isn't all Ivy League like her family. She's just a normal girl who listens to music and has a cool room and doesn't necessarily need Harvard to be cool. Carol has a really annoying baby-nasal voice and wobbles when she talks, like maybe she's going to fall over at any point. Carol tells Rory she's got good straight, shiny Harvard hair. She says her parents think that dressing in a bunny outfit instead of going to Harvard is just as bad as being holed up at the Chelsea with a needle sticking out of her arm, screaming, "Sid!" She's wearing a bunny rabbit outfit because she likes to perform at children's parties. She's got a few jobs, actually. Carol says she doesn't go to school. She got off the conveyor belt somewhere around eleventh grade. Rory says she's not on the conveyor belt. She wants to go to Harvard. "Yeah, a lot of four-year-olds dream that. It comes right after meeting Harry Potter." Hey, I dreamed of going to Harvard when I was four. It wasn't until I was eleven that I got more realistic, and saw there was no way anyone in my family would be able to afford it. Rory says she doesn't need to justify herself to someone with a tail. Carol says that she's just submerged in Harvard-love, and that her siblings only do this to please her parents. She says she wants to please her parents, but not at the expense of finding herself. Carol asks Rory how badly she wants to please her parents. Rory says it's just her mom, and that she wants to please her, but that it's not hard. As long as she's happy, her mom's happy. Carol tells Rory that she's very lucky. Rory says she is. Lorelai walks in and asks the answer to some Pretentious Trivia so that she doesn't lose dessert. Rory tells her. Lorelai says hello to the other daughter. Rory tells Carol, "I'm glad to have met you," which is just the most awkward sentence I can imagine saying to a near-stranger. Carol wishes Rory good luck.
Out in the hallway, Rory kisses and hugs Lorelai. She thanks Lorelai for not putting her on the conveyor belt. "Yes, that was very big of me," Lorelai says. "You don't know," Rory answers. Commercials. I'm exhausted, y'all. Get me off this lousy thing.
Outside Darren's house, Rory thanks him for his time. They say goodbye. Darren tells Lorelai that Rory is very impressive. Lorelai tells Rory that Darren's brother Bruce will be happy to play their party or event, like her graduation party. Rather pointless scene ends.
Town Hall Meeting. Rory and Lorelai show up late. Cardigan Man points out the two seats in the back they saved in anticipation of their tardiness. Lorelai opts for prime seats toward the front of the room. Cardigan Man brings up the final point of business: his old-fashioned soda shoppe. Luke's instantly pissed, saying this is a private matter that was already settled. Cardigan Man says that this is a town matter because the town is in need of a particular business, so the town should band together. Cardigan Man has made a model of the soda shoppe, and he has Kirk wheel it in at this point. Kirk couldn't find an appropriate sheet to cover the model, and had to use a sheet from his hamper. The model is of a few storefronts, with a gigantic horse and buggy on the street. The buggy and the building both say "Stars Hollow Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe." Miss Patty says it's cute. Cardigan Man says this is a professionally manufactured diorama of the proposed business. Jackson recognizes himself among the little diorama people. Cardigan Man says that the horse-drawn carriage would be parked outside the building. "The horse is taller than the front door," Babette warbles. Luke asks if Taylor's breeding giant horses. Cardigan Man admits that the horse is slightly out of scale. Everyone starts teasing the diorama for having a gigantic horse and such little people. Cardigan Man says they're missing the big picture. He says that the business belongs in the town. If a three-fourths majority votes to use a space for a specific function, then the land-owner must concede. Luke says that rule was created with the intent of taking over houses in the event of a war. He says that if Cardigan Man wants to turn the place into a Civil War hospital, that's fine with Luke. Cardigan Man says some would argue that the comforts a soda shoppe offers are compatible to the care that a hospital would provide. Lorelai shouts for them to stop fighting. Luke tries to get everyone on his side, but Lorelai and Rory think a burger from Luke's followed by an ice cream soda would be perfect. Cardigan Man calls a vote, and the town wants the soda shoppe. "Be ready to pay through the nose," Luke threatens Cardigan Man. Kirk asks Cardigan Man about management opportunities. Lorelai tells Luke that being Cardigan Man's landlord will be fun. Luke thanks Lorelai for her lack of help.
Outside, Lane asks how the Harvard lunch went. Lorelai says that Darren makes a killer chicken when he sticks a lemon up its butt. A cute boy walks up to Lane and shakes her hand. He's the guy that called on Lorelai's machine earlier. His name is Dave. He knew it was Lane because of her Dead Kennedys t-shirt. They bemoan the departure of Jello Biafra from the band and mock the kid from The Courtship of Eddie's Father. "What's : Urkel joining the Wu-Tang Clan?" Lane wonders. Dave: "Or maybe Malcolm in the Middle fronting the Butthole Surfers." Lane asks about Dave's band. He says that, statistically, its influences are thirty-eight of the forty-three bands Lane listed. He is about to play her a demo they recorded a couple of weeks ago, which launches into an annoying audiophile monologue that I'm too lazy to look up to spell correctly. It's, like, amps and hook-ups and plug-ins and stuff nobody in high school could probably afford anyway. Lane accidentally tells Dave that she loves him. They go to a bench somewhere. Rory tells Lorelai that she thinks a love song's in their future. "With lots of lyrics about snogging," Lorelai says in an accent. Somehow, Rory's never heard of snogging. To prove it, she plants chaste kisses on CuteDean when he arrives at that moment. "That's snogging," Lorelai says. "Got it," Rory says. In all her books, she never read Bridget Jones's Diary? I don't believe it. Lorelai excuses herself.
Rory and CuteDean walk as Rory fills CuteDean in on the events of the town meeting. He asks how lunch went. Rory says she feels so much better about things now. CuteDean asks in a rather whiplash-like fashion from out of nowhere: "What happens when you leave?" He asks if they'll break up. "Whoa, that was blunt and out of nowhere," Rory says. Djb leans over and says to me, "Those were the stage directions to his line." Rory says they won't break up. CuteDean asks how they'll see each other. Rory says she'll do homework during the week or on the train home and they'll spend weekends together. Or they'll talk on the phone at night. She points out that Christiane Amanpour spends half her year in foxholes in Third World countries, and she's got both a husband and a kid. CuteDean asks if they'll have access to the CNN jet. Rory suggests that CuteDean go to school in Boston. CuteDean -- who, I guess wasn't making the grades we all assumed he was making -- is going to junior college. He needs to stay in Stars Hollow to afford it. Rory asks him to be serious. "I am," he says. And then, to solidify this episode as Worst Written Ever, he says again: "I am." Rory says they don't need to be this serious. CuteDean tells her to forget it. They leave for Luke's.
Lane and Dave flirt on the bench. Lane takes off her Dead Kennedys shirt to expose her "Trust God" t-shirt. Dave asks if that's a band. "No," she says. "My life." She runs off.
Sookie and Lorelai are teasing Jackson for liking modern art. Suddenly, Jackson asks Lorelai what she plans on doing with Rory's room once she's gone. Dude, it's just freshman year, and, like, a year away. You think Rory would never come home again once she leaves for freshman year? Lorelai's not letting that girl get her own place until she turns at least twenty-three, and then she'll just be moving back in with her. Jackson says he'd like to put his tools in Rory's room. He's got a collection of antique farming tools and no place to put them. ["Stupidest notion ever. Build a shed!" -- Wing Chun] Sookie, for no understandable reason, says that Rory's room would be perfect for Jackson's tools. Jackson says that Rory won't be needing the room much longer, anyway. Sookie and Jackson suggest that Lorelai think about it. "I will," Lorelai says. And of course, again: "I will." She turns to watch Luke and Rory enter Luke's. I don't remember there being such a high platform to enter the restaurant.
The morning, the phone rings. Lorelai tells Rory to let the machine get it, since she can't stand talking to another teen who can't speak English. It's Darren Springsteen, saying he read Rory's records and that they're perfect. He says she's tailor-made for Harvard, and that she should have no problems getting in. He says he'll tell everyone in Harvard admissions (who's getting special treatment now, Miss Thing?), and that she should start packing her bags. Both Gilmores are a little depressed at the good news. "You're in," Lorelai says, which start my giggles because "You're in" sounds like "Urine" and I'm seven. Lorelai asks Rory what she's doing today. Rory says she has newspaper things. Lorelai says she's got some hotel stuff to do. Rory says that the newspaper stuff can wait. Lorelai says that the hotel stuff can wait. They decide to "just hang" today instead.
Rory and Lorelai decide to hang past Luke's, where Cardigan Man and Luke are fighting over the new banner for the soda shoppe. It's no longer called "Stars Hollow," but "Taylor's Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe." Luke hates those extra p's and e's on the end of the words as much as I do. As they bicker, and I start to pull the skin off my face, the girls continue torturing me by walking past...yep, the Troubadour. Just icing on my hate cake. "You never see tomorrow comin'," he sings, as Rory and Lorelai walk away with their arms around each other.