Previously on Gilmore Girls: Rory liked Jess. Lane met a cute boy. Rory liked Jess. Jess liked Shane. Rory liked CuteDean. Lane liked Music Boy. Rory liked Jess.
We open at Luke's. It's evening, and Jess is hard at work at the counter, reading a book. Lorelai tells Rory that she's in touch with "the other side." "With Republicans?" Rory asks. I guess political humor is just going to be a part of Season Three. There's nothing we can do. Apparently, Lorelai's been having these incredible premonitions. Luke brings over two plates of hamburgers. "Dead cow," he announces as he drops each plate to the table. Lorelai speaks in hushed, ominous tones as she announces that her premonitions have been about death -- specifically, her own death: "And the thing is, they're all silly." Of course they are. In one, Lorelai slips on a banana peel and falls into a vat of whipped cream. "Silly and fattening," Rory says. In another, a turtle eats her: "Very slowly, with lots of chewing." She couldn't run away due to immobilizing poison. Her goriest is where she's out hunting ("A favorite Lorelai pastime," Rory notes), and she shoots herself in the face, spinning her face around like Daffy Duck's beak. Lorelai makes Rory promise to move her face back to the front of her head if this ever happens. Rory says it depends on what she's got going on at the time.
Lane busts into the diner at this point and shouts, "Hello, Stars Hollow! Are you ready to rock?" Lorelai guesses that Lane has band practice tonight. Lane sits herself down at the table and proceeds to eat Rory's food (no wonder Rory's so skinny this season) as she gushes about her band. They're learning their fourth song tonight, which means they practically have a set. Lane knows that the set leads to the gig, which leads to the record deal. Lorelai orders Lane to swallow her food before she continues. Lane, still with food in her mouth, continues gushing about how this is the start of their battle with fame where they eventually break up. I guess that music shop run by Carole King is still around, because that's where Lane rehearses, borrowing drums she doesn't own. She says it's really time-efficient to rehearse there, because it's right to her house, and she's home in time to watch Korean TV with MamaLane, who thinks she's out with Lorelai and Rory, which isn't exactly a lie since she's out with them right now. Lane explains that this is a fib, and not a lie, and that a fib isn't as bad as a lie. Lane knows the difference because her stomach feels horrible when she lies, like a wild animal burrowing into her. Lorelai says that's another one of her premonitions of her own death. Lane has to go, since she's trying to save the name of drummers everywhere by being on time for rehearsals. She snatches Rory's hamburger and leaves. Rory takes Lorelai's hamburger. Lorelai says that the band thing isn't really working out for her. She gives Rory a napkin to wrap her food as they stand. Lorelai says goodbye to Luke as the door opens. "Turn sideways!" Probawhore barks as she whips between Rory and Lorelai so that she can Velcro her face to Jess's as soon as humanly possible. "That girl's a freak," Lorelai says for no real reason. Jess and Probawhore make out as Rory and Lorelai leave the diner. "Make a hole," Luke tells Jess and Probawhore as he passes through with food. Dirty! Jess and Probawhore go back to kissing as we fade to opening credits.
Okay, so outside the music shop we watch the ever-meandering townsfolk of Stars Hollow as we listen to the sounds of Lane's new band playing quietly. Inside the shop, we hear the most hesitant version of "London Calling" ever. It's like they're trying to play in the background of people talking. The band is headed by none other than Todd Lowe, an actor/musician friend of mine who went to college with me. One of my very first scenes at the University of Texas was with him. Embarrassing but true fact: my ex-boyfriend and I called him "The Wiz," named after the Seinfeld episode where Elaine's boyfriend had something about his stare that made you just dumb up and smile around him. Once, my ex-boyfriend gave up a parking spot to Todd Lowe. After the sheepish smile left his face, he looked at me and yelled, "He's the Wiz! Nobody beats him!" Anyway, Todd's doing his best Joe Strummer, considering that he's not really allowed to rock out. Dave's guitar isn't hooked up to any amp, anyway.
Dave, Lane's new rock god boy, stops everyone and says that something's missing. "Yeah, volume!" Todd Lowe shouts as he turns to Lane accusingly. Lane says the agreement was that they got free practice space as long as they played quietly. Dave asks Todd to try to live with it. He calls him "Zach," but I'm ignoring it. Poor Todd Lowe then has to say, "Dude. Brian's breathing is louder than the song." Brian's got a deviated septum. It runs in the females of his family, and himself. Todd Lowe says Brian's septum is throwing him off. Lane suggests that Brian hold his breath while they play. Lane tries to start the song up again, but Todd Lowe says the bottom line is that breathing shouldn't be louder than a rock band: "Am I right, or am I right?" He tells Dave that they need to "crank it up." Lane suggests that they listen harder, which will make it sound louder. Dave asks if there's any leeway. Lane says they might be able to move it up half a notch. Todd Lowe unplugs his guitar and gives up. "Dude. Lawrence Welk cranked louder than this," they make him say. "It's a waste of time." Lane runs over to Todd Lowe and babbles a billion words about how MamaLane has special hearing that can detect non-Christian music being played and will immediately come over and shut them down. Brian says that he's bailing if Todd Lowe's bailing. Lane says she's not exaggerating. She tells a story about how Kirk was once playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" with his band, the Kirk Gleason Five (Kirk fans, there's your new bit of trivia), and MamaLane shut them down so quickly that the band left without their instruments and never looked back. To this day, the sound of Queen makes Kirk tear up. Brian says, "Sorry." Todd Lowe practically falls asleep as he says, "Having a free practice space was cool and all but...not like this." Brian says they should just rent a space in Hartford. Lane says there's no way she can get to Hartford. They might as well practice in Paris, or Iceland, or the moon. Dave grabs Lane's arm and throws her out the front door.
Lane has moved into full-on Paris mode as she tells Dave that he's got to get into leader mode and calm his band. She says they're being insubordinate. She suggests a number of ways he could torture the band into doing what she wants, but she's talking so quickly at this point that I've listened twice and still can't tell what she says after "strung up." Dave says that his band is a democracy. Paris...I mean, "Lane" says, "Democracy's overrated. Now get in there and kick some butts!" Lane offers to fix Brian's deviated septum by ramming one of her drumsticks up his nose. Dave asks Lane if she really thinks this is working. "No, it's not working," she says. "We sound like a bunch of wankers." From snogging to wanking, I think perhaps the Palladinos spent their summer abroad. Dave asks Lane if she'd like to be able to actually hit her drums with her drumsticks. Lane says she doesn't want to leave the band. Dave practically starts crying, telling Lane that she can't leave the band and that they need her. Then maybe they could suck it up and play quietly, or find a different time to rehearse where they're allowed to make some noise? Why move the band to a place that Lane can't practice if she's so vital, Dave? Apparently it's no longer cold in Connecticut in October, because Lane's wearing a pretty small t-shirt at night by some pumpkins. Dave's a little lispy. He tells Lane there's no way she's going to become their Pete Best. Lane tells Dave to go back in, and that she'll join him in a second. She needs this time to hold her drumsticks and look off longingly as the "cricket" sound effect is played as loudly as Brian's deviated septum.
Lane's inside her super-secret closet space, asking Rory to help her with her dilemma. Rory calls it a "pickle," but Lane insists that it's much larger than a pickle. Not only does Lane need to figure out a way to leave the house unaccounted for three times a week, but she has no car to drive to Hartford, no license to operate a vehicle, and no drums that she owns that she's allowed to transport to Hartford to play. Then they decide to have a little argument over Cornershop and Coltrane, and which one would be more distracting. You know what's distracting? A music argument every three minutes. Rory suggests that Lane tell MamaLane the truth, and promise to keep her schoolwork pristine. Lane says that her mom would start waving a crucifix at her. Rory says that Lane doesn't have that many more options. There's a noise like someone's pressing the number two button, but Rory's calling that "call waiting." Hasn't call waiting been the same sound for over ten years? Doesn't any Foley artist in town know how to duplicate that sound? Why do we keep getting fake call waiting noises in movies and television? I'm gonna form a committee. They stop the hanging-up process so Lane can remind Rory that she really does like Cornershop. Thanks for that.
The woman on the other line talks like we should know who both she and her daughter are. We don't, and you don't have to. They've made them up for this episode. Her name's Debbie Fincher. Her daughter is Cathy Fincher, and apparently Rory went to school with Cathy for about three days back when Rory attended Stars Hollow High. I love that somehow there are enough kids in Stars Hollow for their own high school. Debbie is played by the woman who was George Costanza's Susan, and in this episode she's forced to wear the worst blonde wig I've ever seen. It's like a Streisand drag queen. Debbie's very busy in her kitchen making out shopping lists and things while she small-talks with Rory before asking for Lorelai.
Rory finds Lorelai and holds the phone down by her hip for about fifteen minutes as she reminds her mother who Debbie is. Both this episode and the last one had scenes where Rory held her hand over a phone while she talked to Lorelai for half an hour. It's not like the person on the other line has gone into some kind of waiting void. That person can hear the conversation, or at the very least, has been put on hold for an unacceptable period of time. Get on the phone, girls. Anyway, for a million years, Rory tries to remind Lorelai who Debbie is, and it's all very boring and pointless. Rory used to swim over at Debbie's house with Debbie's daughter Cathy. Lorelai doesn't remember them at all. Even Alexis and Lauren have given up acting during this scene and are just reciting the lines back and forth without any meaning.
Finally, Lorelai takes the phone and asks Debbie how she's doing. Debbie's back in her fridge, talking about how much she and "the gang" miss Lorelai around the school, since Lorelai was such a "kick." Lorelai says she misses the gang as well. Debbie asks Lorelai if she'd like to speak to the students on behalf of the PTA about her success in local business. Yeah, I know it's a stretch. Just go with it. Debbie says it's a big deal that Lorelai runs that "beautiful" inn with so much "style." Lorelai is flattered. Then Lorelai pretends to care about Cathy, since Debbie has pretended to care about Lorelai. But Lorelai was just trying to get Debbie to start talking, which she does, so Lorelai holds the phone in her hand and has a conversation with Rory instead of listening to Debbie. I can't believe how rudely they make Lorelai behave sometimes. Anyway, Rory thinks it's great that Lorelai has been asked to speak to the school. "Toot your own horn, little missy," Rory says. So Rory finally makes Lorelai get back on the phone. Lorelai finds a way to accept quickly. Debbie tells Lorelai that they're still looking for another speaker, and would really like Luke, but that he always turns these kinds of things down. Lorelai says that she can flirt Luke into doing anything, and that she'll talk him into going. Debbie likes to point while she talks. Lorelai calls Debbie "Deb," which causes Debbie to start shrieking, "Oh, you rat! You rat!" Lorelai asks why she's a rat, and Debbie says she can't believe that Lorelai remembered how much she hates being called "Deb." "I'm wicked," Lorelai says. Debbie thanks her and hangs up. Rory pinches Lorelai's cheeks hard and says she's proud of her little success story. What day is it?
Lane walks down her staircase over toward MamaLane in the antique shop. Lane gets nervous, and in another suspension of our disbelief, proceeds to have a five-minute conversation with herself, trying to get up the courage to speak to her mother. ["Seriously. This isn't Hamlet. No soliloquies." -- Wing Chun] I think Lane's already wearing a wig in this scene, since her hair is much longer than it usually is, and looks unnaturally thick around the part on her head. Or at least she's wearing some extensions. MamaLane interrupts Lane's monologue and tells her to come have some tea. Lane follows her into the kitchen. She tries to start talking, but MamaLane orders her to sit and have tea. Lane babbles for a little while that she has an idea that might make her happy and by proxy, make MamaLane happy because when she's happy her mom can be happy and happy, happy, happy, blah blah blah. She takes the cup of tea. MamaLane takes her seat and tells Lane she has some college applications she needs Lane to fill out. She's already approved all of them with their minister, and they're all good, solid Christian schools. They don't allow boys and girls to sit together in the cafeteria. She tells Lane she'll help her fill them out, and then they'll mail them on their way to choir practice. Lane, still afraid of her mother, says, "Yes, Mama." MamaLane reads from the first application: "If you meet Jesus walking down the street, what are the three questions you would like to ask?" MamaLane thinks of the first question and begins her essay answer as we fade to commercial.
Independence Inn. Michel is teasing Lorelai about her speaking engagement, wondering just how slim the pickings had to have been to make Lorelai a choice candidate. "You must be very fortunate to live in a tiny town where people make very little money. Elevates you by comparison. I wonder who their last speaker was -- the fellow in short pants that walks up and down the square with a metal detector? And if they find someone who drives a car that is less than eight years old, what will they do? Crown him King of Successful People?" Lorelai takes a phone call. It's Luke. "I'm backing out," he says as a hello. Lorelai says it's too late. Luke says he doesn't want to speak to a stupid class. Lorelai pouts that she'll be out her thousand-dollar deposit for the room rental for the thing-dealy later with the talking-stuff. Luke accuses her of talking crazy-talk to try to confuse him. "Aren't you!" she answers. Luke: "What?" Lorelai: "Who?" Luke: "Stop." Lorelai tries to hang up, but Luke says he agreed under coercion, so it doesn't count. She was talking baby talk loudly in front of his customers, so he agreed to go to shut her up. Lorelai threatens to speak in her Louis Armstrong voice until he goes. Luke says he hates the school. He says he has no good memories of that place. Lorelai says he'll enjoy it. He asks how she'd feel about going back to her high school to give a talk. Lorelai says she understands, but that she needs him to go. If he cancels, everyone in town will know him as the "talk-cancel-er guy." "Ouch," Luke responds. Lorelai says that her reputation with the Blonde Wigs is on the line, so she needs him to do this for her. You can't spell Lorelai without "F-A-V-O-R." Lorelai starts her really bad Louis Armstrong voice: "Hello, Dolly!" Luke, smiling, tells her to stop. "This is Louis! Dolly!" Luke threatens to hang up. "I'll be comin' round the diner singing soooonnngs!" Luke asks if she's been diagnosed. Lorelai says she'll see him tomorrow. So, I guess it's Wednesday. Lorelai hangs up and makes a tiny throat-clearing, coughing noise.
Lane is filling Rory in on the horror show that was filling out college applications. Apparently, she filled out twenty-three applications to some of the strictest, most religious schools in the world, including Seventh-Day Adventist schools that don't allow dancing, gum-chewing, or bowling; a Nixon-heavy Quaker school; and one Amish school in Nicaragua. "A big shout-out to MamaKim on that one!" Lane says. Hey! I think that's actually a big shout-out to me! They've always called her Mrs. Kim, or Mama, but never MamaKim. Daniel Palladino, are you reading my recaps? If so, I hope this doesn't affect my future television-writing career. Um, I really do love this show, and I think all of your other writers are absolutely top-notch. Uh, I've got a stack of spec scripts and representation if you're interested. Anyway, thanks for the shout-out. Sorry I never seem to score your episodes higher than a C+. Thanks for killing-off Bootsy. Death to the Troubadour. Lane tells Rory that she doesn't have much time anymore. She can't risk her band finding a different girl drummer. She says she's spent her entire life compromising and being a good girl and never doing what she wants. She's tired of being good and compromising, or feeling guilty whenever she does something she wants to do. She even lost her first boyfriend out of this. Rory -- who hasn't exactly been a very good best friend over the past two years -- doesn't even remember Henry, even though she's the reason they had to break up when she screwed up Operation Henry. Rory asks Lane what she's going to do about all of this.
Lane storms into the nearby beauty supply shop. She's going to dye her hair. That's how she'll solve all of this -- by passive-aggressively changing her hair color into something inappropriate instead of just asking her mom if she can play drums in the building door, something that would look good on her college applications and make her look more well-rounded. She picks up a bottle of Jet Black and tells Rory she's going to make a big statement. "This is me! This is Lane Kim!" Rory points out that since it's black, it is already, technically, her. "This is merely a prop until we find my true color," Lane corrects herself. Lane wonders if pink is now too Pink and Kelly Osbourne and Gwen Stefani: "Man, there's a lot of cheese associated with this color." She asks Rory how she feels about blue. Rory pouts, sighs, and says she thinks that blue won't look good with Lane's skin tone and that she should go for purple. Rory tells Lane not to forget the bleach as she pouts over to the cashier.
As Rory haltingly tells Lane not to forget gloves, she sees that the cashier is none other than Probawhore. I hate Probawhore's ugly tied-up sweater that looks like pumpkins and ghosts. Rory can't stop staring at Probawhore, giving her some double stink-eye. Lane's all, "What's wrong?" and clearly those two aren't best friends any longer if Lane can't pick Probawhore out of a line-up. Wouldn't Lane go to school with her? Lane's gloves, hair dye, and bleach come to the unbelievably cheap price of $12.52. Lane's very happy that she's got exact change. Probawhore snarks that she's super-happy Lane's got exact change. Rory gives Probawhore another Firestarter-worthy glare. Probawhore picks up on it this time and asks if Rory needs anything. Rory asks if Lane gets her money back if her hair falls out. Probawhore promises to give Lane back her money if her hair falls out. Rory's happy to hear that, and repeats it to Lane, who says that Rory's putting a real damper on her independence day. I can't believe that Probawhore doesn't know who Rory is, either, but she goes back to flipping through her magazine as Rory and Lane leave the building.
Luke's. Lorelai has shown up because it's 4 PM, which means they're already late since they are scheduled to speak at 4. So rude, all of these people. Okay, so it's the day, I guess, or the day ended before Lane and Rory got together at the hair shop, which would have happened right after school, so how is it 4 now, but...never mind. Anyway, Luke takes off his apron and says he's ready to go, but Lorelai isn't letting Luke go dressed in grunge wear, and announces that he's going upstairs to change. I really think it's none of Lorelai's business what Luke wears to his PTA engagement. Luke says this is his power outfit as Lorelai pinches Luke and drags him upstairs, bribing Luke with a toy if he's a good boy.
Upstairs, Jess pulls his pants back on as Lorelai and Luke walk into the room. Jess sits with a book, asking what kind of toy Luke's getting. Luke tells Jess to go downstairs and help Cesar out. Jess says his education should come first. Lorelai finds some kind of Jimmy Buffett shirt inside Luke's closet. I can't believe she's just tearing through his closet anyway. Hey, remember when Lorelai bought Luke all of those nice suits? Couldn't she just tell him to wear one and not have to pretend she's never seen his closet before? Lorelai calls Luke a "BuffettHead," but everyone who's not me knows that it's called a "ParrotHead." She tells Luke to sing "Margaritaville." Luke says no, which prompts Jess to tease, "That attitude's gonna lose you that toy." Lorelai finds Luke a blue Oxford shirt. Luke runs to the bathroom to change in privacy, despite Lorelai's protests. She says she's already seen him shirtless at the lake and he's got nothing she hasn't seen before. Jess says that Luke's really let himself go recently. Lorelai tells Luke to lose the baseball cap, and Jess jokes that Luke runs the risk of losing his head if he does that. Lorelai says he'll be okay. Jess and Lorelai then spend some time making eyes toward the other side of the room. I didn't catch it the first two times, and it's not until Luke and she leave in a few seconds, when Lorelai tells Luke that Jess had a girl in the closet, that I put it all together. Because, see, that Probawhore must have a time/space portal in the back of the beauty shop to get from one place to another so damn quickly.
Lane's bathroom. Why they're not doing this at Rory's house makes absolutely no sense to me. Anyway, they've got everything they need to bleach Lane's hair. Rory asks if Lane's really sure about this. Lane offers to sign a waiver, and tells Rory to hit Play on the stereo. Siouxsie and the Banshees starts up as Rory worries that the bleach will stink up the entire house. Lane declares that the smell of bleach is the scent of her freedom, and that the more the stench permeates the house, the louder her battle cry is being shouted. She kicks the floor tarp and announces, "To hell with the floor!" She sits in a chair, and Rory starts applying the bleach. It stings Lane's head. Rory tells Lane to think about something else to get her mind off the pain. Lane: "Thinking about something else. Something else. Thinking about puppy dogs. Thinking about getting things in the mail. I love getting things in the mail. Letters and packages." Rory interrupts with an Ace Ventura quote that nobody ever does that Lane and the rest of the world don't catch collectively. "Still thinking. Thinking about world events. Lots going on there. Thinking about the last movie I saw. Vin Diesel was in it. Thinking about Vin Diesel now. Thinking about where Vin Diesel got the name Vin Diesel. Thinking about Vin Diesel's mysterious ethnicity. Thinking about how surprising it is to have so much to think about with Vin Diesel. Who knew? Who knew? Okay, now I'm just thinking about the pain, here." Rory tries to get Lane to focus on anything other than the pain, but now Lane's got too much pain to think about anything else. Rory suggests that she rinse her head, but Lane doesn't want to have to sit through that pain again; she'd rather get it over with now. There's so much talking I can't take it. Rory says the smell is making her dizzy, and Lane tells her to read the bottle to see what she should do in case of pain. Rory asks Lane if her scalp is broken, since you're not supposed to apply it to a broken scalp. Rory says that the bubbles in a 7-Up will help the pain from bleaching her head. Really? Why didn't Rory think of that earlier? And why would she know that? Lane says they've only got something called "Salad Water" imported from Korea. "Tension" elevates until Lane decides to run around the block and Rory jams her head out the bathroom window to get some fresh air.
Stars Hollow High. Luke and Lorelai must have shown up at like, 5:20 now, but for some reason Bad Blonde Wig doesn't mind at all, and just waltzes them to the classroom. I don't understand Lorelai's Farrah Fawcett hair here, either. It's all winged back on the sides and curly. This scene here with Bad Wig, Luke, and Lorelai, reminiscing about old times that nobody remembers and mean nothing to us is pretty boring. Bad Wig remembers something rude that Lorelai once said to a stranger (no surprise here), and Lorelai pretends to remember saying it: "Hey, Old Man. Stick a crowbar in your wallet and cough up some dough, because this is for our kids!" Lorelai just mumbles and shouts and it's like, the oldest sitcom joke in the book, but whatever. Bad Wig excuses herself. Lorelai looks outside and sees Lane running around the town with her head covered in bleach. Now, why isn't Lane in school? Why wouldn't MamaLane make Lane have to stay after and do something this dorky? There are other kids still stuck at school. Lorelai tells Luke to lighten up. He pouts and says he won't. He hates the school. I love Lorelai's skirt. She's going through her notecards for the talk. Luke can't believe she prepared what she was going to say: "I run a diner. What are my notes?" He says he basically makes food, serves food, and refills coffee. Lorelai walks over to the trophy case and finds Luke's yearbook photo. His nickname was "Butch," and it says he was a State Champion in 1985. Luke asks what that's doing in there. Lorelai says it's yelling, "Mock me! Mock me!" The teasing continues about his shorts and tank top in the photograph and whether Luke's girlfriend in high school was named "Sissy." The scene ends on a non-joke.
Lane's got a blonde wig on now, and it's just a really, really bad wig. She says her hair is really weird. "Like straw," Rory notes. Well, soon it'll be like purple straw. Lane is happy that the burning is completely gone, and now it's time to turn her head purple. Lane's actually drinking the salad water. Rory starts asking about Dave until finally Lane admits that she's in love with him. Lane gushes about how cute and wonderful Dave is. Rory agrees. She says she's never felt this way about a boy before. "It's not just puppy love," she says. She gets nervous thinking about him, and calling him and hearing the ring makes her excited. Rory says it sounds like love to her. "It does, doesn't it?" Lane asks. "My first love. Wow." She's so happy to have something like what Rory and Dean have. The record screeches as Rory stops painting Lane's hair purple and she makes a caught face like, "I don't love Dean. Haven't in a long time." As Lane goes on about how lucky Rory is to have a guy like Dean who loves her like he does and loves her as much as she loves him, Rory tries to change the subject with as much subtlety as a cat in a Barbie Dream House. These best friends act like they've never talked to each other before. Rory says that Lane will have plenty of loves in her life because she's great and "purple heads will not be denied." Lane says that should have been printed on the box. Rory pants as she asks Lane to lower her head.
It's like, a million o' clock now when they call Lorelai and Luke in to talk to the class. Bad Wig tells Luke to sit at a desk in the back of the class. Lorelai asks if she sees "Luke + Sissy" carved into one of the desks. Bad Wig announces Lorelai and Luke, basically saying that Luke's the guy with the burgers, but Lorelai's the real star of the show, with a real job that's important and doesn't involve grease. Lorelai reads from her cards and makes small talk with the ten kids who are in the classroom. Blah blah blah, one of them asks if she's Rory's mother. I'm cutting to the chase here, but every person asks Lorelai personal questions about getting pregnant at sixteen instead of questions about the Inn, and ask Lorelai whether she regrets getting pregnant at their age. Now, this makes no sense, but Bad Wig doesn't stop the kids from asking these questions. She just sort of freaks out in the back while Lorelai tells everyone that Rory's great and she's so happy to have gotten pregnant because it made Rory and she wouldn't have it any other way. The "Kid" sitting behind the blonde with the first question is easily forty-three years old. The class erupts in questions about getting pregnant at sixteen as Luke enjoys the show. We fade to commercial as I wonder if I'm ever going to stop recapping this show this week.
Let me be the first to tell you: Don't see The Truth About Charlie. Want to know the one axiom in life? Mark Wahlberg is no Cary Grant. What a horrible idea this movie was. Why would you want to remake Charade? What's , One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with David Arquette? Shit, they'll probably do that, won't they?
Lane's hair is done, and she loves her new purple wig. She makes Rory take a Polaroid of it. She says it's the most radical thing a Kim has done since her cousin got caught reading Maxim at summer camp. The door rings as MamaLane enters the house. Lane immediately freaks and says she can't go through with this -- of course. She throws a towel over her head and tells Rory to go back to the shop to buy black hair dye. She makes Rory jump out the window to do it because if MamaLane sees Rory she'll know that Lane's home, too. Rory jumps out the window, telling Lane she owes her big-time. There's no way Lane's hair would take this black dye on top of everything. And her forehead would be smudged in purple, since Rory's not exactly an expert at hair dye. Chatty-chatty-chatty, this scene.
Back at the salon supply store, Probawhore is cooing on the phone to Jess. This girl really does move fast, in all ways. Her hair is now done differently, and she's wearing a different outfit, so maybe when we saw her last it was somehow yesterday and...never mind. Anyway, she's telling Jess that she's left something over at his place. She flirts with him and asks what they're doing tonight. She says she's sick of eating and she feels like a pig. "I feel all bloaty." She then says that "bloaty" is a word, since she said it and words get invented by people saying them and then other people saying them. She calls Jess a jerk. Then, suddenly Rory's yelling at this girl loud enough for Jess to know that she's at the counter, telling Probawhore that she's got lousy customer skills. Those Gilmores never know how to treat anyone in customer service. Probawhore rings up the hair dye as Rory goes on about how much Probawhore sucks. She says she can tell that Probawhore wasn't on a business call. "Un-freakin'-believable," Probawhore mutters. ["This is where I expected Probawhore to follow up by saying, 'Don't you think I know who you are? You didn't want him, so don't take it out on me.' Or something to that effect, anyway." -- Wing Chun] Rory says it is pretty "un-freakin'-believable," the level of service in that place. She tells Probawhore that "bloaty" isn't a word. "Thanks, that's fascinating," Probawhore says. "Well, for you, how ice is made is probably fascinating," Rory says. I'm not buying this bitchy Rory for a second. Probawhore hasn't done a damn thing to her, and it's Rory's fault he's with her anyway. Break up with your boyfriend before you hate the-guy-you're-cheating-with's girlfriend, why don't you?
Luke's still laughing about Lorelai's big day at school. I have no idea what time it is, but it's daylight outside. Lorelai can't figure out why all of those kids ambushed her with those questions. Luke's still laughing. Lorelai says she'll never be able to go back there again. Luke says at least now he's got a pleasant memory from that school. Lorelai stops Luke as she spots the Sweater Brigade marching over. It's the Bad Blonde Wig Gang, and they're hella pissed at Lorelai for preaching the joys of teen pregnancy at today's PTA meeting. They're all wearing stupid sweaters, and they're all wearing the same bad wigs. This is so dumb and unworthy of recapping, but anyway, they're mad at Lorelai for talking about teen pregnancy. Lorelai says she was just answering their questions. Bad Wig says she should have changed the subject. Lorelai accidentally calls their kids Nazis. "Sounds like you just flaunted your mistakes," one of the Bad Wigs says. Lorelai says the members of the Bad Wig Gang have no right to judge her. Lorelai says they're acting like she walked into the room tossing condoms in the air. "Might as well've," one of them says to her. Actually, then she would have been preaching safe sex, and not procreation. Lorelai says time she'll bring a banana and have a little show-and-tell. Lorelai says she's a mother who doesn't gloss over subjects because they're uncomfortable. Bad Wig says this whole incident was awkward and unnecessary. Lorelai: "No, Deb, I'd say, Deb, that what's awkward and unnecessary, Deb, is that you all seem to go to the same lousy hairdresser." The Bad Wig Gang all drop their mouths and look around in unison, acting "Offended." Luke excuses himself.
And he moves very quickly, since he's back in his apartment, saying hello to Jess, who asks what's going on outside. Luke sort of blows it off and then checks the closet. Nobody's inside. Luke asks Jess if he had a girl in there earlier. Jess admits that he did, but that he didn't put her in there; she ran in a panic when she heard Luke and Lorelai coming upstairs. Jess says he didn't care, but that's just women. Luke asks if they can have a talk. Jess makes a Ward Cleaver joke that isn't funny. Luke says he knows that Jess is at the hormonal girl age but he's got to think about how he should act around a girl he cares about. Luke says he doesn't care about Probawhore and doesn't even know her last name. She said it once, but it "didn't stick." She doesn't care about him, and they're just hanging out, fooling around -- nothing serious. They treat each other the same way. Luke doesn't understand. Jess says that the girls he cares about don't care about him. Jess starts laying into Luke, saying that unlike him, Jess won't just wait around hoping that one day the girl will come around and like him. He asks Luke if he's fixed anyone's porch lately or gone on a picnic or gotten roped into giving a speech at a high school. Luke tells Jess to shut up. Jess says at least he has a little self-esteem. Luke tells Jess again to shut up. Jess says he's not some kind of golden retriever hoping Rory will fall into his arms one day: "If she doesn't want to be with me, then fine." Luke says that Jess has no idea what he's talking about. Jess gives a "Whatever," and then says he's leaving to see "what's-her-name." He tells Luke he'll bring home a new leash for him. Luke tells him to get out. I guess they filmed that scene quickly on a soundstage, because there was a really weird echo in the room.
Lane's hair is black again, and she says it's been a pretty busy day. She says the hair was too big a statement right off the bat. Both girls have changed clothes, by the way. Totally different clothes from twenty minutes ago. Rory says that, technically, Lane's got dyed hair. Jess and Probawhore walk past. "That girl's a freak," Probawhore sneers to Jess, who looks at Rory silently. Lorelai walks up at this point and hugs the "people who like [her]." Lorelai asks Lane if her hair is blacker. Rory wishes Lorelai hadn't said anything, and tells Lane to avoid direct sunlight. Lane shows Lorelai the Polaroid of herself with purple hair. She asks Lorelai to keep the picture for her. Lane runs off, reminding Rory that they didn't fix this week's subplot: she still has no idea what she's going to do about the band. Lorelai tells Rory that Lane can't quit the band, since she's counting on Lane to introduce her to Bono. Rory is standing in front of Taylor's sign with the ultra-specific directions on how to wait for the crosswalk signal. Lorelai asks if they can go to Al's Pancake World for a change. You know, since Luke just did her a favor. Jeez. Anyway, Lorelai tells Rory that she had to talk about her pregnancy at dinner. As she's recapping, they fade to black, and the episode ends.
week, Lorelai's got a date.