Phone rings. Lorelai's message picks up. Lorelai runs down the stairs to answer the cordless phone. It's Emily. Close call; Lorelai almost answered the phone. Emily complains to the machine that she always gets the machine and she hates it. Lorelai makes smart-ass comments back to the answering machine. She tells Emily's voice that if Emily had her way she'd lock Lorelai and Rory up like veal: "That's what you want -- veal children." The phone rings; the machine picks up in one ring, and it's Emily again. She may hate answering machines, but Emily understands the redial button. She reminds Lorelai that her DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Lorelai talks right over Emily's babbling about how she'll remember the Tuesday DAR meeting long after she's too old to remember her own name or how to breathe without drooling. Emily hangs up and calls back again. Lorelai can't believe that Emily has called back a third time. Emily is complaining that Lorelai's phone message is rude and should be changed. Emily asks if Lorelai's heard how rude her message is lately. Lorelai tells the machine that she can't hear it because she's amputating her ears. Lorelai covers her ears with her hands and stumbles backwards towards the stairs. She runs up the stairs moaning, "Oh! An earless world! What a dream!" We fade to black as I mutter: "Daniel Palladino, I can smell your writing from a mile away."
Emily is tasting soup as Lorelai and Sookie watch. Lorelai complains that Emily has already tasted her soup twice. Emily says that you're supposed to taste everything three times. The first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes foundation, and the third is to make the decision. Lorelai says that she's just supposed to taste the soups and not "orally deduce their chemical structures." Sookie says she's heard the three-taste rule before. Lorelai hates Sookie for being a traitor. Emily says that the women in her DAR group are very picky. She tells the story of the time a woman served a lousy pâté and was ostracized for a month. Lorelai says the hussy had it coming, and excuses herself to go back to work. Emily barks at Lorelai for trying to work at her job when she wants Lorelai to stand by and watch her sip soup. Lorelai says she's already giving Emily much more attention than someone deserves for soup tasting. Emily says she'll pay for the tasting. Lorelai says it's not necessary, but that she'd like Emily to decide on the soup in this calendar year. Sookie suggests the mushroom soup. She says it's "super-popular," and Jackson's favorite. Emily asks who Jackson is. I can't imagine that Emily has never heard of Jackson or wouldn't know that Sookie's getting married. Rory would certainly have told Emily on one of their five million Friday-night dinners. Wait, we haven't had one of those in a very long time. Suddenly, Lorelai decides to chat about bridesmaid dresses with Sookie. Sookie says she has a couple of ideas. Lorelai interrupts to say that she wants to design the bridesmaid dresses so that Sookie doesn't pick out something that Lorelai hates, causing Lorelai to secretly hate her forever. See? Right there you can see Daniel Palladino at work. Because that's a shitty thing Lorelai just did and not something you do when someone's getting married. She can offer to help, but not ask for the job while threatening to hate someone's personal style so much that they'll hold a grudge. Sookie lets Lorelai design the dresses, because Lorelai always gets her way even when it's someone else's wedding.
Michel walks in and drones that the "fellow" from the restaurant is on the phone. Lorelai's all, "Who?" as if she knows any other fellows from restaurants. Lorelai leaves to take her phone call, and Emily is again insulted that Lorelai doesn't want to watch her sip from a spoon. Lorelai runs off to talk with Luke. Emily asks Sookie if Lorelai's always so scattered. Sookie lies and says that Lorelai is the "stablest" person she knows. "That's very sad," Emily says. Heh. Emily approves the mushroom soup. She asks about Sookie's wedding. Sookie says she's just started planning, so she hasn't decided on much. Emily asks if she's at least decided on the location or the music. Sookie says she'll probably just use a CD. Emily makes a disapproving noise and tells Sookie that CDs are very unreliable. They could skip or break. The person in charge of pressing the "play" button could mess up and then the entire ceremony would be ruined. Sookie admits that she hadn't thought of that. Emily suggests live music with a "string ensemble." Sookie coos that a string ensemble sounds nice. Emily says she could recommend a couple of groups. Sookie says it wouldn't hurt to check them out. Emily sips the soup and says to nobody, "Mushroom soup." Sookie stares in the distance and says to nobody, "String quartet." I look at my shoes and mutter, "Getting sleepy."
Lorelai finally makes it to the phone. It's Luke. Lorelai asks how business is. Luke says he dropped a few eggs, which is a hazard of the business. He asks if he's catching Lorelai at a bad time. She says it's so slow that she and Michel were about to play tetherball. This sparks the "Why Do They Call It Tetherball?" debate. I think you can write it on your own. Lorelai asks if there's anything else he needs. Luke stammers that he needs a block of nine rooms. Lorelai punches on her iMac and finds out that they do indeed have nine rooms. I wonder how big this inn is. Luke says he has family coming in for a funeral. His Uncle Louie died last night, and he's arranging the funeral. Lorelai apologizes for babbling about tetherball. There's a phone ringing in the background. Lorelai tells Luke she's sorry. Luke says that Louie went peacefully, and that he was eighty-five years old. She asks if she can do anything else. Luke says the nine rooms are fine. Lorelai asks if he's sure, since she'd rather not have to deal with her mother anymore. Luke says he just needs the rooms. He says he has to go. She tells him to call if he needs anything. Luke tells her, "That French guy is a putz." Lorelai says that he already knows he is. They hang up.
The troubadour plays his guitar as Rory moans to Lorelai, "It's so sad." She asks Lorelai how Luke's doing. Lorelai says she can't tell, because Luke's so unflappable. The troubadour is playing an acoustic "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." By the way, that stoplight is totally gone now. Thanks for the pointless episode about it.
Luke's. Lorelai and Rory walk in to find bedlam. Everyone wants coffee and food but Luke's trying to make phone calls. Kirk needs more coffee. Luke tells him to shut up. Luke hits another customer in the head with the phone cord. Kirk tells Luke to update to a cordless. Luckily, the food is glued to the plates, or Luke would be spilling things about now. He hands the food to Lorelai and Rory. Luke says he's having a hard time serving food while he's on the phone. Lorelai says they noticed, but that they were really impressed with his re-enactment of Jerry Lewis in The Diner Guy. Rory asks where the plate of poached eggs is supposed to go. "Crank in the hat," Luke responds. The crank shouts, "Hey, I'm not a crank! You're a crank! Crank!" Rory serves him the plate and calls him a crank. Lorelai asks where the French toast goes. "Lady with the giant purse," Luke answers. Luke serves another plate. "This is not good," one of the customers says. Lorelai pulls Luke back behind the counter. She tells him to stay on the phone and tell her where to serve the plates. He says they go to the table by the window. She asks why he hasn't numbered his tables yet. He just hasn't, but she wants to talk about it for a while so that the food can get colder and the customers can get angrier. Luke finally tells her it's table five, but Lorelai doesn't know which one that is. It's the table by the window. Lorelai hands the plates to Rory and tells her to serve them to the table by the window.
Kirk asks for more coffee again. Lorelai walks over to serve him. Kirk stops her and says he's a "quarter-caff." He only takes one-quarter caffeinated and the rest decaffeinated. Lorelai says she "four-fourths" doesn't care. Kirk tells her to fill it up. Great people skills. How does she run an inn? Luke complains to Lorelai that the world is full of people who micromanage their lives to such a second that they can't wait on anything. Hey, Luke? It's called breakfast. It's the beginning of the day. They have to go to work. If you mess up and make them wait for an extra hour? They get fired. Can't keep going to your diner because they have no money. Fix the eggs on the double, Mel, or Flo's gonna have to make you kiss her grits. Lorelai notes that they're running out of coffee. Luke goes to make some more, but Lorelai says she knows how to make coffee. In fact, she's the "bastard offspring of Mrs. Folger and Juan Valdez." I think Daniel meant "love child," since Juan's appearance makes her not a bastard. Rory asks Luke where Jess is. Luke says he doesn't know. Rory asks if he could be at school. Luke scoffs, knowing that his parental skills aren't sharp enough to keep a juvenile delinquent going to class on a regular basis. Lorelai pours a full pound of coffee into the filter as Luke tries to make her stop. He says that it's too strong and that not everybody likes it that strong. Also, expensive to use a full pound every pot. Lorelai cares about none of these things. None. She says she'll convert them and calls herself the "Jehovah's Coffee Girl." Whatever. She's wearing a Lucky Brand t-shirt that costs almost a hundred dollars. Somehow Lorelai never really has to worry about money. ["That's true, but it's not a Lucky Brand shirt. It's from Urban Outfitters, and I know because Niki's boyfriend made the screen. You may have also seen that design on Oswald recently." -- Wing Chun]
Rory knocks on the upstairs apartment's front door. Where's all the construction? Jess answers. He calls her bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Rory tells him that Luke needs him downstairs because it's Cesar's day off. Jess says he'll be down in a minute, and goes back to watch television. The clock behind him reads 7:10. Rory grabs Jess and tells him that Jeannie's going to fix whatever problem's going on this episode. Jess complains that Rory ruined the end of the episode for him as we hear the I Dream of Jeannie theme song playing in the background.
Downstairs, Kirk tells Lorelai that he needs more Equal. Lorelai says there's a packet right in front of him. Kirk says he needs seven packets. Lorelai accuses him of squirreling away packets for home use. Kirk scoffs that he does no such thing. Lorelai opens seven packets of Equal and dumps them into Kirk's coffee. She makes him take a sip. He winces and says that the coffee is now perfect. Jess jumps into the room, complaining that Rory pushed him. "Sue me," Rory says. Jess complains that he could have broken his neck. Rory says, "As long as it's not your arm." She hands him a pitcher. "We need your arm," she adds. Do we really want Rory and Jess to become a mini-Lorelai and Luke? It's not cute. It's repetitive. Jess grumbles and takes the pitcher. Rory holds his shoulder and pushes him to work.
Luke grumbles to Lorelai that it took twenty minutes to get past the busy signal and now he's on hold. Lorelai asks who he's calling. It's the mortuary in Florida where Uncle Louie is. Turns out Louie spent most of his life in Stars Hollow but retired in Orlando. Luke has to move the body up here because his dad wanted his brother buried to him. Luke says that they were really close and Louie didn't have a wife or kids to look after things. Before Luke's dad died, he asked Luke to take care of everything once Louie died, and that he should make sure Louie got a proper, respectful funeral. Luke says that since Louie's a war veteran, the Stars Hollow Revolutionary War re-enactors will be attending the service. Luke admits that the entire thing makes him nauseous, but that it's what his dad wanted. The mortuary picks up, and Luke goes back to his phone call. He hangs up and tells Lorelai that he needs to pick out a coffin in Hartford before the body arrives. How fast does a body travel from Orlando to Hartford? Lorelai tells Luke to go now. Luke says he has to close up first. Lorelai, who doesn't really have a job of her own, says she can watch the diner while he's gone. Actually, she said "we." Does that mean Rory stays home from school to work at the diner? She's not going to be happy about that one. Lorelai says that this will give her time to number the tables. She threatens to arrange them in a different order. Luke tells her to leave them alone. She says they're not Feng Shui. She scoots Luke away. By the way, I love how the trailer for this episode had to lie and make it sound like this was going to be about Luke and Lorelai spending so much time together because the truth was that this episode was too boring to have a quick teaser line. "Luke's uncle dies and Lorelai speaks diner talk. Sookie's planning a wedding and then changes her mind about what she'll do. Jess is grumpy. Rory is bossy. It's all new, before Smallville."
Cardigan Man's store. By the way, Taylor's market offers about three hundred different juices and teas. Just look at the back row. A woman asks where his brussels sprouts are. He says his supplier was out this week, but that he should have some week. She says she wanted to make them tonight, so she'll try the vendor across the street. Cardigan Man apparently hasn't walked by a window all day long and has no idea what she's talking about. He walks out the door and sees a Farmer's Market set up in the middle of the town. Wouldn't Cardigan Man have to authorize any community activity that would use the green area like that?
Taylor storms up and demands to know who the proprietor is. It's the guy who didn't get voted town troubadour again. We have to hear Cardigan Man remember who he is. He also calls him a "long-haired freak." My friends inform me that the actor is better known as Naked Trucker, who opens for Tenacious D sometimes. That's easier to remember and funnier than "Long-Haired Freak," so "Naked Trucker" it is. Naked Trucker moves in for a hug, but Cardigan Man tells him to let go of him. Naked Trucker says that Cardigan Man's "got a little 'David and Lisa' thing going on." I hate when I don't know what that means. Then I have to look it up. Here it is. David and Lisa, by James Reach. It's a movie that was rewritten for the stage:
It retells, by use of the most modern stage techniques, the strange, appealing and utterly fascinating story of two mentally-disturbed adolescents: David, only son of wealthy parents, over-protected by a dominating mother, who is tortured by his mania against being touched; and Lisa, the waif who has never known parental love, who has developed a split personality and is in effect two different girls, one of whom will speak only in childish rhymes and insists upon being spoken to in the same manner.
We learn something new every day. Cardigan Man asks Naked Trucker why he opened a produce stand across the street from Cardigan Man's market. Naked Trucker compliments Cardigan Man's tissues. He likes to say everything twice, with the emphasis on the second repetition. Miss Patty asks if the parsley is priced by bunch or pound. Naked Trucker calls Miss Patty beautiful and tells her it's by pound. I'll leave that joke alone. She tells him it's a very good deal. Cardigan Man moans to Patty about the knife sticking in his back. Miss Patty blows him off. Cardigan Man says this can't be right. Naked Trucker says he has all the proper permits and he followed the rules just like his father taught him. His dad was a cop for twenty years, who got shot in the butt. "Good man. Tips over sometimes when he sits, but good man." The woman we saw in the store earlier tells Naked Trucker that he has beautiful sprouts. "For a beautiful lady," he answers. Cardigan Man says he feels sick.
Independence Inn. Michel asks about the nine rooms set aside without a name or a credit card to hold. He asks if it's a mistake. Lorelai says they are for Luke. Michel asks if there's a French fry convention or a Milkshake Symposium. Lorelai says it's a personal thing for Luke, and that she's covering it. "Soda Pop Seminar?" Lorelai tells him to stop. Michel counts to three internally and then asks, "Pickle Party?" Lorelai turns around to see Emily walk into the Inn. She panics, wondering why Emily would be showing up. Did she miss an appointment? Is it somehow Tuesday already? Wasn't that just yesterday? Emily asks if they have to make appointments to see each other. Lorelai says they don't. Emily says she isn't there to see Lorelai, she's there for Sookie. Emily excuses herself. Lorelai follows.
The dining hall is filled with tables set for a wedding. Sookie coos that it's beautiful. Lorelai asks what they're for. She didn't see them come into the Inn? Sookie says they're for her wedding. Emily walks in and smiles. She asks Sookie if it is everything she said it would be. "And more!" Sookie beams. Lorelai asks what's going on. Sookie explains that it's a company's sample table setting, and that Emily set her up to take a look at some sample arrangements. This company did Céline Dion's wedding and Steven Speilberg's daughter's Jack Russell Terrier's "Bark Mitzvah." Emily snaps to someone to fix the asymmetrical flower arrangement. Lorelai stage-whispers to Sookie that she thought Sookie wanted a small wedding. Sookie says it is simple. Lorelai asks how Emily got so involved. Sookie says that she's not involved; Emily just offered to show Sookie a few samples of flowers and table settings. Lorelai moans that she thought they were going to do the flowers themselves. Sookie says it'd be too much of a hassle. Lorelai says that flowers cost a fortune. Sookie says the samples are free and that there's no harm in looking at their arrangements. She says it's fun. Lorelai says she doesn't want to take away Sookie's fun (sure she doesn't), but warns her that she's entered "Emilyland," a scary place where money just seems to get spent quickly. Sookie promises that she's okay. Lorelai excuses herself to go back to her other job waiting tables. Emily barks that there's a fingerprint on one of the glasses. It's Lorelai's fingerprint, but Emily asks the table-setting girl for her hand.
Luke's. Rory refills Cardigan Man's cup of coffee as he babbles for three pages about turnips. His turnips are unassuming, humble turnips. Rory tells Lorelai that Cardigan Man is "wigging." Lorelai says he's been sitting there "like the final days of Dick Nixon" for an hour. A customer enters, calls Lorelai "young lady," and asks if they're still serving breakfast. Lorelai brags that they serve it all day. He asks for two eggs sunny-side-up on toast. Lorelai asks him to order his eggs scrambled instead. He doesn't want to, but she won't stop talking until he does. He changes his order to scrambled so Lorelai can yell to the invisible cook: "Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck 'em!" She's so proud of herself. Then she explains that it's "real-life diner talk" and how "wreck" means to scramble the eggs. Yeah, we got it, Lorelai. Cardigan Man can't believe Babette's shopping over there and that Miss Patty's back. Kirk shows up and tells Lorelai he's not sure what to order for lunch. Wow, these people have massive disposable incomes. Lorelai suggests a hamburger with strawberry ice cream and chocolate sauce for dessert. Kirk agrees and Lorelai shouts, "Yo! Burn one and pass me a pink stick and throw some mud on it!" She wiggles and says she loves diner talk. Naked Trucker walks in and says that it's freezing outside. Lorelai says there's a cold snap going on right now and asks if he'd like "a hot blonde with sand." Naked Trucker says he'd love a cup of coffee with cream and sugar. He says to make sure the foot's out the door so Lorelai puts it in a to-go cup. Naked Trucker says he's glad the cold weather hasn't stopped his customers. Lots of vegetable soup being made tonight. Nice to know some people don't get all of their meals from Luke's. Naked Trucker says hello to Cardigan Man. He goes on about how busy he is. Cardigan Man calls him "Van Halen Hair." Watch Cardigan Man's food move around the table! Kirk says the store was so dead he thought it was closed. He jokes that the cashier was reading a tabloid and tapping on the counter with an astrological scroll. Lorelai brings Naked Trucker the coffee. He leaves. Cardigan Man shakes his head. Lorelai leaves to the back room, the diner completely neglected.
Lorelai's brought Luke a plate of food. She asks how "the money pit" is coming. Luke points at a room and says, "That's it." She asks what's wrong. He says nothing's wrong. Then he says nobody's coming to the funeral. None of his relatives are coming. Some of them can't get out of work, a couple doesn't want to miss their kid's rugby semi-finals, others are too tired from a fishing trip. One has a sick parrot. Luke impersonates the parrot's two-word vocabulary: "Gorgeous, Petey!" Lorelai says if they don't want to come, then it wasn't worth having them. Luke says his father wanted them to come to the funeral. Lorelai says that Louie lived there a long time, so many Stars Hollow people will come to the service. She says it's probably better this way. Luke says he really hates the bird. Rory walks into the room. Lorelai asks if there's a problem with the customers. Rory says that Jackson's outside and wants to talk to her. She says he seems upset. Lorelai checks to see if Luke's okay before she heads downstairs to solve another crisis. She tells Luke to brush up on his diner talk. Rory asks where Jess is. Luke says he's probably out playing basketball. "That little punk," Rory huffs.
Lorelai takes a BLT order from a redhead at the counter. Lorelai tries the diner-speak but screws up on the "piggy-piggy" part and ends up just asking for a BLT.
Jackson is upset. Lorelai walks up to him, putting on her very expensive coat. Jackson says he was planning a tiny, inexpensive wedding with a sweet woman who wasn't disagreeing on how the wedding should be planned. Now, thanks to Emily, he can't afford his wedding. He points to where Emily and Sookie are standing near the Farmer's Market. They're measuring the entire town. Emily's tape measure is from Neiman Marcus. It's platinum with gold leaf. It cost more than Jackson's car. Jackson says he loves Sookie and wants her to have what she wants. He tells Lorelai that now they want a sixteen-piece orchestra and they expect the gazebo moved to accommodate it. It's a gazebo that's been standing there for a hundred years, but they think it should be moved to make the wedding ceremony more convenient. Lorelai says she'll take care of this. She says Sookie's been brainwashed by Emily. Rory runs by, yanking Jess by his shirt. She yells at him to "cork it." When did she leave? Who's watching the store? Why is this episode so boring?
Town Hall Meeting. People are showing up very late. Cardigan Man declares Tuesday "Harry the Twinkle Light Man from Harry's House of Twinkle Lights" Day in honor of Harry's upcoming retirement. Jess and Luke bemoan the fruitiness of Stars Hollow. Lorelai and Rory walk in. Cardigan Man asks Lorelai if she's late again. "Yes! I hope I'm not pregnant!" she says. They sit down in the only empty seats, which are to Luke. Cardigan Man tells Lorelai he banged the meeting in half an hour ago. "Dirty!" Lorelai scoffs. Cardigan Man says he's going to chat with Miss Patty for a second, so that Lorelai, Rory, and Luke can discuss Harry the Twinkle Light Man. Then Rory flirts with Jess for showing up at a town function. Jess flirts back. Just so you know, they don't like each other. Not one bit. Hate each other, they do. Lorelai tells Luke she's surprised to see him there. Luke says he hasn't been able to get any of the war re-enactment actors on the phone, and he figures he can trap them at the meeting. Cardigan Man pounds his gavel and calls the meeting back to order. The last item up for business is going to be about him, so he's giving Miss Patty his gavel. "Again, dirty!" Lorelai shouts. Cardigan Man tells her to stop. Miss Patty recognizes Cardigan Man. He says he has a problem with Naked Trucker. Everybody interrupts to talk about how great the vegetables are at the market. Babette says he has "sexy squash." Cardigan Man asks to see the permit. Naked Trucker shows him. Cardigan Man says that this isn't a proper permit, as this is a "Cart, Kiosk, Cart/Kiosk" permit. There's a lengthy bit about why Cardigan Man has to say those two words twice, but I'll spare you. The DP is no Capra, you know what I'm sayin'? Cardigan Man says that this market is set up on tables and nothing that has wheels, so it's not a cart, nor a kiosk, nor a cart/kiosk hybrid store, and therefore the permit isn't valid. Babette looks right at us, raises her left hand as a "shield," points at it, and warbles, "He's losin' his marbles!" Another Townie whose name I've forgotten poorly delivers the line, "It's just a personal vendetta!" and I wonder if he's somebody's friend. Miss Patty asks to end the meeting. Cardigan Man tells the troubadour that Cardigan Man stood by him when Naked Trucker wanted to be the town troubadour. The troubadour says that Cardigan Man really made him wait and squirm to become town troubadour. He even wrote a song about it. He hums a few bars. Rory and Lorelai offer advice on the chorus. "Taylor left me twistin'/ He sent my eyes a-mistin'!" Lorelai says he should do more about the sweater. It's a cardigan. Close enough shout-out. Miss Patty says she's going to wrap this up. Cardigan Man calls Naked Trucker a "Long-Haired Freak" a few times. Miss Patty calls for a vote and adjourns the meeting. Rory tells Jess he's got some cleaning to do at the diner. Where's your boyfriend, Rory? Don't you have some homework to do?
Luke runs after the re-enactment actors. He says the funeral is the day and that he hasn't heard back from any of them. He calls them "freaks." They sigh and confess that they don't want to go to the funeral. They didn't like Uncle Louie. He was mean to them. They hated him, they say. He was a scowling, cigar-smoking spitter. He kicked dogs, hit on wives, and did terrible things. Kirk and some guy reading cue cards banter for a very long time about their own woes with dogs and wives. Luke says they're exaggerating. When Louie left town, they threw a party. The guy with the wife made love to her like he never had before. Kirk's dog barked a quiet bark and then died. Luke says he can't believe this. Bad Actor Townie says, "Come on, Luke! You knew the guy!" Yeah, he was related. Maybe you'd like to stop calling him an asshole in front of family. Luke says that Louie deserves a war hero's funeral. Luke calls the guys lazy. Cardigan Man says that Louie was the lazy one. He used to come by and throw rocks at them when they did their re-enactments. And small tools. Luke says he's heard enough. Another man interjects that Louie only got meaner as he got older. Never had kids. A loner. "To hell with you guys! Who needs you?" Luke storms off threatening to throw rocks and small tools. "A defensive hothead," Cardigan Man says. "Just like Louie!"
Sookie is using an iBook, squealing about how high-tech everything is. She's in the kitchen, not working. Lorelai asks what she's doing. Michel looks over Sookie's shoulder. Sookie says she's downloading wedding stuff from Prague. "Oh, you're kidding," Lorelai moans. Sookie says it's streaming in right now. She boasts about her newfound 'net knowledge: "That's internet talk. 'Streaming.' Did you know that?" Then she tells Lorelai that it's not Czechoslovakia anymore. It's Czech Republic. I know. I'm part Slovak. Lorelai asks what Sookie's downloading. "Oh, this will much amuse you," Michel Frenches. It's samples of the big ceramic stands for the giant papier-mâché mushrooms for the midgets dressed like angels to dance under. Sookie says their mushroom maker in Paris is so much better than the Belgian guy. Lorelai closes the iBook and tells Sookie that they need to talk. Michel pleads with Lorelai to not talk Sookie out of these things. He doesn't want to die without having seen midgets dancing under paper mushrooms. Lorelai tells him to stay out of it. Michel pouts off, telling Lorelai that she's no fun.
Lorelai tells Sookie that the danger of Emilyworld is that you don't always know when you are in it. Sookie moans about the Emilyworld stuff. Lorelai asks what all of this is going to cost Sookie. She says she doesn't know yet, but whatever it is, Emily is getting her 50% off of that. Lorelai says that 50% off a "load of money" is still "half a load of money," and that's a load of money that Sookie doesn't have. Sookie says that if she scrimps, she can afford a quarter load. Lorelai says that's still too much money. Sookie says that Emily offered to chip in a little. Lorelai tells her that she can't have Emily help pay for her wedding. "That is way, way, way inappropriate," Lorelai says. I'll ignore all of the inappropriate things that happened when Lorelai wanted to get married. Sookie says she didn't take Emily up on the offer; Emily's just being nice. Lorelai says that all of this isn't Sookie, adding, "And it isn't Jackson either." She tells Sookie that Jackson came and talked to Lorelai, upset. Sookie's instantly upset because she loves Jackson. Lorelai says she loves the both of them and figured it was time to meddle. Sookie wonders why Jackson didn't come to talk to her. Lorelai tells her that Jackson wanted Sookie to be happy and have everything she wanted, so he wasn't going to say anything. Lorelai asks if this is what Sookie really wants. "Well, maybe the midgets are a little over the top. And the mushrooms...?" Sookie moans and says it all sounds so silly now. Lorelai tells Sookie that she's starting to come out of it, and tells her to keep going. Sookie whines that this isn't what she wanted at all. It was supposed to be a simple ceremony that was all worked out. Lorelai tells her to go back. Sookie says she will go back. She gasps: "That is, if Jackson still wants to marry me." What? Lorelai says that of course Jackson still wants to marry her. Sookie leaves to call him and tell him that everything's fine.
Lorelai's cell phone starts ringing as Sookie goes down through the list of countries she needs to call to cancel things for the wedding. Lorelai asks what Sookie ordered from Bora Bora. "I'm gonna shield you from that one," Sookie answers. Lorelai thanks her. Lorelai seems surprised that Luke has called, which I find odd. I'm sure she would have given Luke his own special ring, like "Alice's Restaurant" or something. Lorelai tells Luke to slow down and promises to come right over. So much for work today! She welcomes Sookie back to her world where she has something to do with Sookie's wedding. Sookie says she hopes the Hong Kong acrobats can get another gig. I find it hard to believe that Emily would have suggested midgets dancing under mushrooms anyway.
Luke's having a problem at the funeral home. The lid of the coffin won't close. Uncle Louie asked to be buried with many things -- so many things that now his coffin lid won't close. Wacky! Lorelai says he's got a nice tan. Right. Tan. Dead for four days. So tan. Lorelai asks to try and close the coffin. It bounces right back up. Luke says that's because of the football signed by Johnny Unitas. Lorelai asks to move the gas mask and the pith helmet down to Louie's feet. Luke says that space is already occupied by thousands of baseball cards. Louie must be a tiny man. Lorelai says they can tie it with bungee cord or have the accounting group sit on the lid so they could latch it. She says she's out of ideas. Luke is as well. I fall completely asleep. For real. The second episode in the history of Gilmore Girls during which I fall totally asleep right here and don't see the rest of the episode until the morning. You win, Daniel Palladino. You win. You're stronger than I am. Luke says he can't deal with this anymore. He says that Louie doesn't deserve his help or respect. Lorelai reminds him that Louie was his uncle. Luke says he was a jerk. Everyone hated him because he was rotten, mean, and selfish all his life; now he's so selfish he's taking his rare baseball cards with him underground. The undertaker asks Luke to lower his voice. Luke screams that he's done and he's had it. He storms out, saying that from now on he just wants the bare minimum on this funeral. He tells the undertaker just to dig a big hole and dump the casket in. That's how most people behave when they're standing beside their dead relatives' bodies, isn't it? Lorelai tells the undertaker she assumes that Luke's request isn't appropriate. This entire episode isn't appropriate.
Diner. Jess fills the coffee cup of a woman I think just might be blind. Either that, or she's blinded by Jess's pecs, because that's what she stares at as she asks Jess where the young lady who speaks diner talk is today. She says it sounds fun. "Could you point her out for us?" "No," Jess says, and walks off. So rude! Everyone gets a spanking and a week's worth of being grounded. She must be blind, because there's nobody else at her table and she said "we." Jess drops the coffee pot down and says he'll be upstairs. Rory thanks him for doing the very least possible he could do. When does somebody have either school or a job around here? Isn't it Thursday?
Luke storms in. Lorelai says she was worried. He thanks her for covering again, and promises it'll be the last time. Lorelai asks what he was doing. He says he was walking around Hartford trying to calm down. He calls it a "cess pool." Lorelai says he's not a city man. He says he calmed down after a while and realized dumping Louie's body in a big hole might not be a nice thing to do. So, he called a Big and Tall casket company and ordered a bigger casket that would hold Louie and all of his things. The lid shut and now everything's fine. He says he still doesn't know why he's doing all of this. Lorelai reminds him that he's doing it for his father. Even though Luke's dad isn't around anymore, he's watching the Luke Channel somewhere and approving of how Luke's respecting his wishes. Luke says he's going to change quickly so that Lorelai can retire from her diner career forever. Lorelai says she's having fun and came up with new diner phrases. She made up a meal of foie gras, chicken, and shamrock frosting. Luke asks why anyone would order that. Lorelai says people who are high would love it.
Emily enters the diner, and Lorelai makes a noise because she hates her mother. She tells Luke to go and hide. Emily asks Lorelai when she started working here. Lorelai says she's just helping out. How did Emily know to find her here, anyway? Emily says she went by the Inn to help Sookie with the wedding, and Sookie fired her. Lorelai says that she didn't fire her. Emily says that Sookie changed her mind on all the things they planned. She says she knows who is behind this. Lorelai says it was getting to be too much for Sookie and way too much for Jackson. She says they're not wealthy. They're saving for a home and the midgets were dancing between them and their dreams. "You say 'midgets' like it's so absurd," Emily says. Lorelai asks Emily if she can hear herself. Emily says there was nothing wrong in helping Sookie plan the wedding. Lorelai says she knows that Emily was really planning Lorelai's wedding. My, how self-involved she is. You already had a wedding, Lorelai, and Emily didn't offer to help plan it at all because you barely told her about it. There's nobody in the restaurant. Lorelai says she knows she's the one really wearing the Haute Couture wedding dress in Emily's head. Emily says she wasn't planning Lorelai's wedding. She did stuff that sounded like Sookie. She gave up on the dream of planning Lorelai's wedding a very long time ago. She tells Lorelai that she was going to do a Russian Winter theme: the Romanovs. Lorelai asks if the wedding was going to be before a firing squad. Emily says it'd be snowing, with white lights and candles, and Lorelai would enter on a horse-drawn carriage. Lorelai complains that it's nothing like who she is. Emily says it would have been beautiful. She says she knows she's probably standing in Lorelai's future reception hall. There will be burgers and fries at the dinner, and Lorelai will walk down the aisle holding a ketchup dispenser. Lorelai plays the innocent, and Emily tells her again that she obviously has a thing for Luke. Lorelai says she doesn't. Emily points out that Lorelai drops everything for Luke all the time. She's with him constantly and talks about him all the time. Lorelai says they're friends, and that she had to be there. "Yes, I know you did," Emily says. Luke enters for an awkward, knowing "hello" from Emily. She says she has to go, and watches Lorelai stand beside Luke. She says she'll see Lorelai at dinner tonight. I guess it's Friday now. Wasn't the funeral supposed to be on a Thursday? Emily tells Luke she's sure she'll see him again. She asks how he feels about the Romanovs. Luke says he figures they had it coming. "Match made in Heaven," Emily says as she leaves. Lorelai smiles at Luke.
The funeral. Luke and Lorelai are dressed up. I guess maybe Cesar's vacation is over, or Rory's now just quit Chilton and is in charge of the restaurant now. Luke and Lorelai are the only ones in attendance, and as the minister tries to deliver the eulogy, Luke heckles every word about how shitty his uncle was. Lorelai tells Luke to stop, and apologizes to the minister, calling him "Father." The casket is lowered to the ground (not a very large casket). Lorelai says the service was "intimate." Luke says that everybody deserves something in the end. He thanks her for coming. She says she wouldn't have missed it. Luke asks if that's him in there -- if he's just like Louie. He says he knows he's getting crankier. Lorelai says that Louie wouldn't build someone a Chupah or fix things around the house without being asked. Louie wouldn't raise his sister's kid. Lorelai says that Luke's different. There's the sound of approaching drums. Luke and Lorelai look up and see the war re-enactors march up in full gear to give Louie his proper war send-off. Lorelai is all tears as Luke thanks her. She says it was what his dad wanted. Luke watches and shakes his head. He says that Louie would have hated this. "It's just a fringe benefit," Lorelai says. The bugle player plays the worst bugle ever. That's not me being snarky; it really is just some bad bugle playing. Is it even a bugle? I don't know. Luke recoils in horror as Lorelai watches stoically.
Lorelai and Luke walk back to the diner. Lorelai asks Luke if he thinks Louie's in Heaven. Luke says he hopes so, if only so that his father can kick Louie around. Lorelai wonders if you can still kick when you're in Heaven, since you should be ghost-like and see-thru.
The diner has turned into a wake. Rory tells Lorelai she thought that she set it up. Lorelai says she didn't. Rory's all dressed for a wake, so I'm wondering why she didn't go to the funeral. She says people came by and set it up. Lorelai tells Luke that it's really a wake for Luke's benefit and not Louie's. She tells Luke that people like him. Luke tells her to shut up. Lorelai says she doesn't know how people could resist liking him, with charm like that. Naked Trucker compliments Cardigan Man on his war outfit. "Very 'One If By Land'," he says. Cardigan Man isn't happy and gets even grumpier when he finds out he's helping himself to some of Naked Trucker's veggies. He dumps them and tells Naked Trucker to tend to his stand. Naked Trucker says the stand is all packed up and he's done. He just grows the veggies in his back yard, and when he's sold out he's done. He plans on doing some traveling, going down to Israel, and planting some peace. Cardigan Man tells him to shut up. He asks why he went thought all that "hoo-ha" for nothing. Naked Trucker tells Cardigan Man twice that Cardigan Man put himself through it.
Rory tells Jess that he did a good thing by unlocking the door to the diner and letting people set up the wake. With one turn of the wrist he became an official member of the Stars Hollow community. Jess thinks it's as much bullshit as I do. He's done nothing but complain like a mini-Louie. He didn't set anything up or help. He unlocked a door. That's it. Miss Patty set it all up. Rory, you're creating your own dysfunctional relationship.
The corner table is sharing stories about Louie. With every story, the crowd roars louder and gets mistier. The first guy tells a story about Louie stealing candy from a kid on Halloween. "I never trick-or-treated again," Kirk says. Miss Patty tells about the time Louie pushed ahead of her in line, told her to kiss his ass, and dropped his pants. Babette warbles about the time that Louie stole her parking space. Sounds like a real winner, that Louie.
time someone seems to call Lorelai on her shit. Let's hope.