Dead Uncles and Vegetables

Phone rings. Lorelai's message picks up. Lorelai runs down the stairs to answer the cordless phone. It's Emily. Close call; Lorelai almost answered the phone. Emily complains to the machine that she always gets the machine and she hates it. Lorelai makes smart-ass comments back to the answering machine. She tells Emily's voice that if Emily had her way she'd lock Lorelai and Rory up like veal: "That's what you want -- veal children." The phone rings; the machine picks up in one ring, and it's Emily again. She may hate answering machines, but Emily understands the redial button. She reminds Lorelai that her DAR meeting is on Tuesday. Lorelai talks right over Emily's babbling about how she'll remember the Tuesday DAR meeting long after she's too old to remember her own name or how to breathe without drooling. Emily hangs up and calls back again. Lorelai can't believe that Emily has called back a third time. Emily is complaining that Lorelai's phone message is rude and should be changed. Emily asks if Lorelai's heard how rude her message is lately. Lorelai tells the machine that she can't hear it because she's amputating her ears. Lorelai covers her ears with her hands and stumbles backwards towards the stairs. She runs up the stairs moaning, "Oh! An earless world! What a dream!" We fade to black as I mutter: "Daniel Palladino, I can smell your writing from a mile away."

Emily is tasting soup as Lorelai and Sookie watch. Lorelai complains that Emily has already tasted her soup twice. Emily says that you're supposed to taste everything three times. The first taste acclimates the palate, the second establishes foundation, and the third is to make the decision. Lorelai says that she's just supposed to taste the soups and not "orally deduce their chemical structures." Sookie says she's heard the three-taste rule before. Lorelai hates Sookie for being a traitor. Emily says that the women in her DAR group are very picky. She tells the story of the time a woman served a lousy pâté and was ostracized for a month. Lorelai says the hussy had it coming, and excuses herself to go back to work. Emily barks at Lorelai for trying to work at her job when she wants Lorelai to stand by and watch her sip soup. Lorelai says she's already giving Emily much more attention than someone deserves for soup tasting. Emily says she'll pay for the tasting. Lorelai says it's not necessary, but that she'd like Emily to decide on the soup in this calendar year. Sookie suggests the mushroom soup. She says it's "super-popular," and Jackson's favorite. Emily asks who Jackson is. I can't imagine that Emily has never heard of Jackson or wouldn't know that Sookie's getting married. Rory would certainly have told Emily on one of their five million Friday-night dinners. Wait, we haven't had one of those in a very long time. Suddenly, Lorelai decides to chat about bridesmaid dresses with Sookie. Sookie says she has a couple of ideas. Lorelai interrupts to say that she wants to design the bridesmaid dresses so that Sookie doesn't pick out something that Lorelai hates, causing Lorelai to secretly hate her forever. See? Right there you can see Daniel Palladino at work. Because that's a shitty thing Lorelai just did and not something you do when someone's getting married. She can offer to help, but not ask for the job while threatening to hate someone's personal style so much that they'll hold a grudge. Sookie lets Lorelai design the dresses, because Lorelai always gets her way even when it's someone else's wedding.

Michel walks in and drones that the "fellow" from the restaurant is on the phone. Lorelai's all, "Who?" as if she knows any other fellows from restaurants. Lorelai leaves to take her phone call, and Emily is again insulted that Lorelai doesn't want to watch her sip from a spoon. Lorelai runs off to talk with Luke. Emily asks Sookie if Lorelai's always so scattered. Sookie lies and says that Lorelai is the "stablest" person she knows. "That's very sad," Emily says. Heh. Emily approves the mushroom soup. She asks about Sookie's wedding. Sookie says she's just started planning, so she hasn't decided on much. Emily asks if she's at least decided on the location or the music. Sookie says she'll probably just use a CD. Emily makes a disapproving noise and tells Sookie that CDs are very unreliable. They could skip or break. The person in charge of pressing the "play" button could mess up and then the entire ceremony would be ruined. Sookie admits that she hadn't thought of that. Emily suggests live music with a "string ensemble." Sookie coos that a string ensemble sounds nice. Emily says she could recommend a couple of groups. Sookie says it wouldn't hurt to check them out. Emily sips the soup and says to nobody, "Mushroom soup." Sookie stares in the distance and says to nobody, "String quartet." I look at my shoes and mutter, "Getting sleepy."

Lorelai finally makes it to the phone. It's Luke. Lorelai asks how business is. Luke says he dropped a few eggs, which is a hazard of the business. He asks if he's catching Lorelai at a bad time. She says it's so slow that she and Michel were about to play tetherball. This sparks the "Why Do They Call It Tetherball?" debate. I think you can write it on your own. Lorelai asks if there's anything else he needs. Luke stammers that he needs a block of nine rooms. Lorelai punches on her iMac and finds out that they do indeed have nine rooms. I wonder how big this inn is. Luke says he has family coming in for a funeral. His Uncle Louie died last night, and he's arranging the funeral. Lorelai apologizes for babbling about tetherball. There's a phone ringing in the background. Lorelai tells Luke she's sorry. Luke says that Louie went peacefully, and that he was eighty-five years old. She asks if she can do anything else. Luke says the nine rooms are fine. Lorelai asks if he's sure, since she'd rather not have to deal with her mother anymore. Luke says he just needs the rooms. He says he has to go. She tells him to call if he needs anything. Luke tells her, "That French guy is a putz." Lorelai says that he already knows he is. They hang up.

The troubadour plays his guitar as Rory moans to Lorelai, "It's so sad." She asks Lorelai how Luke's doing. Lorelai says she can't tell, because Luke's so unflappable. The troubadour is playing an acoustic "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go." By the way, that stoplight is totally gone now. Thanks for the pointless episode about it.