Although I miss watching Gilmore Girls, I never really miss recapping it. The WPM here is phenomenal. I realize that just when my fingernails are starting to grow out and get pretty, the show's hiatus ends, and by the end of the teaser, I'm back down to stubby nubs. I have to choose between Amy Sherman-Palladino and a manicure. It's not an easy choice, y'all.
Luke's. Construction. Luke tries to serve food to people while dodging workmen. Just as he serves two plates of food, pieces of the roof crumble and pile on the table. Instead of clearing the plates and starting over, Luke just offers free coffee to the patient patrons. He brings over another coffee cup to one of the men even though they both already have coffee cups. He recommends sitting with their hands over their coffee cups. Luke storms over to the worst extra in Gilmore Girls history to ask what the hell is going on upstairs. Horrible Extra (now known as the "H-to-the-E") tells Luke that they're renovating the apartment upstairs. Luke grits his teeth and scowls that his customers are having drywall omelets out there. H-to-the-E says, "Oh, well, that can't be good." Luke says that H-to-the-E promised "minimal disruptions." H-to-the-E says that this is minimal disruptions. It's like they had to do all of H-to-the-E's scenes five times and they spliced together the best takes. H-to-the-E asks Luke to sign some papers authorizing more work. Seems they knocked down a wall and found some pipes that shouldn't be there. They have to move the pipes once they determine what the pipes do. "You're kidding, right?" Luke moans. H-to-the-E says, "Oh, yeah. There's nothing I like more than a good 'moving a pipe' joke." See, my roommate should totally have been hired to play this guy. H-to-the-E is way too stiff. Luke says they have one more week. H-to-the-E says that construction ultimatums are even funnier than moving-the-pipe jokes.
Rory and Lorelai enter and sit. Lorelai complains that the place is a mess. Luke tells the girls that they can't sit there. He says that three people have already been nailed in the head there. Then why keep the table there, Luke? Lorelai gets a cell-phone call, and Luke orders her outside. Lorelai says that if she sits there for another second she just might be outside. Lorelai tells Rory to order her coffee (is that even a necessary statement?) and walks off. Jess, wearing a construction hat, walks up and opens an umbrella over Rory's head. Bad luck? Not when the ceiling falls all around Rory and the umbrella saves her from a case of Broca's aphasia. Why does Luke even have the restaurant open? Why not put the tables outside for a change? Why do I care this much?
Lorelai's on the phone with Emily. Emily has a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa, and she'd like to know if Lorelai would like to have it. I just spent half a day in a spa on Thursday because my boyfriend is the best person in the world. Emily says she bid on the weekend at the DAR fundraiser and won. Lorelai says the place is "amazing," meeting the quota before the teaser even ends. She asks why Emily doesn't want to take the weekend. Emily says she's never had the desire to go to one of those things, but that she had to bid on something, since it was for charity. She snaps at her newest maid as she points at some flowers on the table. She tells Lorelai that she didn't want to bid on another portrait of George Washington since she already has four in the attic. Lorelai says she'd love two days of total mind-numbing pampering. Lorelai goes on about facials and massages as Emily's maid changes the place setting for the flowers. Emily tells Lorelai that she makes the spa sound like Heaven. Lorelai says it's the closest humans can ever come to being dogs -- lying around all day getting scrubbed. Emily tells Lorelai it's for this weekend. This is perfect in Lorelai's every-day-is-Friday schedule. She says she'll be there. "So will I," Emily decides. Lorelai's all, "Excuse me?" Emily says that the certificate is for two, and that if the place is as wonderful as Lorelai says, she'd like to try it herself. Lorelai isn't so happy about this, because she likes her free gifts worth thousands of dollars that her mother paid for to come with no strings attached. Emily asks if it's okay that Emily come with Lorelai. Lorelai stammers unconvincingly that it's perfectly fine. Emily is beaming as she tells Lorelai she'll pick her up the morning. "You know, I'm actually looking forward to this?" Emily adds. So is it Friday? Lorelai tells Emily through her fake smile that she's looking forward to it as well. "Thanks, Mom," she concludes bitterly. She hangs up and gives an ungrateful eye-roll. I think Lorelai is using a TiVo remote for a cell phone. Also, who has a cell phone that turns off by flicking a switch? What a weird phone she has.
Lorelai plops into a chair to Rory, and pouts that she's going to a spa with her mother. "Lean forward," Rory says. Lorelai puts her head under the umbrella just as more ceiling pours down around them. Lorelai gives a small nod and sips her coffee as we go to the opening credits.
It looks like Rory is packing Lorelai's suitcase. Lorelai gets off the phone and cackles an "evil 'yes'" that her scathingly brilliant idea has come to fruition. She's called the spa and scheduled all of her appointments to start and end in the middle of Emily's appointments, so they'll never have to see or talk to each other the entire time they're there. Lorelai's t-shirt reads: "Yoga Kills." Rory disapproves of Lorelai's schedule-rigging. As do I. Lorelai asks whether Rory's going to throw a big party tonight. Hardly. Rory plans on doing laundry, watching television, ordering Indian food, and going to bed early. Wow. Lorelai says that Rory's supposed to do bad things while Lorelai's out of town. She demands bikers and low-lifes. Rory is packing like Lorelai's going to be gone for a week. Does she know that you hardly wear any clothes the entire time you're at a spa? There's a honking outside, and Rory says that Emily must be there. Lorelai runs to the window, wondering why Emily would be honking. "She hates honking. She calls it 'a mechanical bodily function.'" Lorelai looks outside and moans an "oh, jeez!" Rory looks outside the window and says, "Oh, cool!"
It's Emily in front of a stretch limo beaming, "Hello! Hello! Hello!" Now, if someone showed up at my house with a stretch limo to take me to my free spa weekend, I wouldn't be moaning and complaining. What is wrong with Lorelai? Lorelai asks if they're going to the prom. Emily says she figured they should go all-out with the pampering. I agree. Rory tells Emily that the limo is cool. Emily thanks her. The driver takes Lorelai's suitcase. Rory tells the girls to have a good time. "Bikers and low-lifes," Lorelai reminds her. Rory says she'll get right on that.
Instead: Chilton. A very long shot where we follow the Chem teacher returning lab grades. She's blabbing on and on about a test on Tuesday until we see Paris. She didn't get such a great grade, apparently, and leans over to Fraulein. This starts the "On Friday" bit that goes on terribly long. Paris asks Fraulein what they're doing tonight. "It's Friday night," Fraulein responds. Paris asks if that means they have dates. Fraulein says they do. Paris was hoping they could study with her instead. "On Friday night?" Fraulein asks. "Yeah," Paris says. "But we've got dates," says Fraulein. Louisa asks Fraulein what Paris wants. Fraulein tells Louisa that Paris wants them to study with her. "On a Friday night?" Louisa asks. "Yes," Fraulein says. "But we've got dates," Louisa says. Djb and I start singing, "Hi, Margie!" "Hi, Ursula!" "What's the story? Morning Glory! What's the word? Hummingbird!" Back to Paris, as she asks Fraulein if they'll cancel their dates. "To study?" Fraulein asks. "Yes," Paris says. "On Friday night?" Fraulein asks. "What'd she say?" Louisa asks. Camera pans back over. ("He's in love with Kim! Kim's in love with him!") "She wants us to cancel our dates to study." "On a Friday night?" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Paris goes, "Oh, my God! Forget it!" She walks over to Rory. ("Hello, Rory Gilmore, this is Paris Gellar, can I come over and study, please?") Paris asks if Rory's got big Friday night plans as well. "Well, kind of," Rory completely lies. Paris asks why her entire Harvard career slipping away is of no interest to anyone. Her voice cracks as she tells Rory she got an A- on the Chem lab. She says she's never gotten an A- before. She complains that things are bad at home and that it's hard to focus. Her father figured out how much it'd cost to divorce her mother, so now he's back. She moans that if only she'd fibbed the numbers a bit when she showed him the cost analysis, then none of this would be happening and her 4.0 would be intact. Rory says she can't tonight, but that if Paris is still freaked out after Tuesday's test, she'll spend every day week helping Paris for the final. It's too late after Tuesday, Rory, and you know it. And there are three days between Friday and Tuesday the last time I checked. Rory tells Paris to relax and promises that everything will be fine. Gonna study! Gonna study! Gonna study! Study for Chem! Gonna study! Gonna study! Gonna study! Study for Chem!
Emily and Lorelai walk into the spa. Emily loves it. She loves the smell. Everything is lovely. She tells Lorelai to try the cucumber water. Emily just thinks the entire thing is precious and darling. Lorelai says she'll be happy if there's Ranch dressing in the soap dispensers. Emily says she loves it there, and that she feels more relaxed already. Lorelai warns Emily that this is how they get you in the Moonies. Emily loves the water and asks Lorelai to try it. Lorelai's not really a "team player" here, and says that they should just check in instead. Emily tells Bobby the desk clerk that they are there. Bobby says they're all set. He gives them their room keys and itineraries. Emily says they plan on leaving the spa "completely different people." Lorelai smiles and says, "Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent." Bobby tells them that fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the morning, and that the lunch and dinner stuff's on the itinerary. Lorelai asks where she can get a cup of coffee. Bobby explains to Lorelai that the spa doesn't serve anything caffeinated. "And you think that's safe?" Lorelai asks. Emily politely ushers Lorelai away. Lorelai pouts that there's no coffee. Emily tells Lorelai that it won't kill her to go two days without coffee. "No! I think it will!" Lorelai responds. Emily asks Lorelai just to focus on all the wonderful things they're going to do. Lorelai looks at the itineraries and complains that they've screwed it up. "Again?" Emily asks. Turns out Emily had called the spa when she saw they were scheduled opposite each other for everything, and had them arrange it so that they were together. You know, mother-daughter style. Lorelai admits defeat. Emily says she even moved their pedicures to the same room so that they can talk while they get them. "Okay, I'm really gonna need a cup of coffee!" Lorelai says.
CuteDean and Rory leaning on a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Almost two years, and Rory still hasn't let CuteDean get past first base. Poor, patient CuteDean. Rory tells CuteDean that his lung capacity has improved. CuteDean says it's from all the basketball he's been playing. No wonder their kisses have looked so crappy since that first one (back when the actors were dating). She doesn't let him breathe while they kiss! CuteDean says he was thinking that since Lorelai's going to be gone tonight, he could come over. "Oh" is the disappointed response from the Worst Girlfriend Ever. She tells CuteDean she wanted a "hermit thing" tonight. "Why?" the world asks in unison. Rory gives a "J.D. Salinger" excuse. CuteDean and everyone with a libido can't figure out why Rory wouldn't want him to come over, at least for a little while, so that they can spend some quality time together. Rory says she almost never gets the house to herself, and that she was going to do her laundry exactly the way she likes it, by separating all of the laundry into sub-piles of colors and whites and towels and sheets. This girl is lame, you guys. Break up with her, CuteDean. You deserve better. Some girl's picking a delicates load over your kisses. Rory also wants to be alone to watch television and eat the Indian food she loves (loves the food, only likes the boy) since Lorelai hates the smell. Can't you do all of these things on Saturday or Sunday and have the boy over on Friday night? Then she plans on going to bed early. She asks if CuteDean's mad. "Why would I be mad?" he asks. I can make up a quick list if you'd like, CuteDean. I'll put it under the windshield wiper of the car that you made your ungrateful girlfriend. Rory promises CuteDean that the entire day will be all about him. From morning until evening, they'll be together. "Just don't be mad," she says, like CuteDean beats her and mentally abuses her. CuteDean reminds her that he's not mad. CuteDean replies, "I'm confused, but I'm not mad. I'm a saint, but I'm not mad." Amen. Rory tells CuteDean to inhale a deep breath so that she can kiss him again. What a weird girl she's becoming.
Lorelai unpacks her suitcase in her hotel room. There's a knock at the door. But it's not the front door -- it's the suite door. Emily is standing there in her robe. "How do I look?" she asks. "Like a...landlady," Lorelai responds. She asks why the doors are connected. Emily says she asked for adjoining rooms so that they don't have to go out in the hallway to see each other. Again, Lorelai is disappointed. I don't know why she bothered coming. She should have sent Rory, who would have both appreciated and enjoyed the spa weekend. Plus it would have been funny to see Rory trying to study in the sauna. Emily loves her soft, soft robe. She wonders how it gets so soft. Lorelai says that having forty other people wear it first might have something to do with that. Emily asks whether Lorelai's ready for their treatments. Emily goes on about how great the treatment is supposed to be and all of the benefits it has until Lorelai says, "Okay. No more brochures for you." Emily asks why Lorelai isn't wearing her robe. Lorelai says that she's sure they'll give her a robe when she gets there. Emily tells her that the robes are wonderful and that Lorelai should put hers on. "They help you relax," she says. Lorelai tells Emily that they're late. "They're wonderful, relaxing robes," Emily insists. Lorelai sighs and says, "Oh, my God." Emily asks why Lorelai thinks it's some badge of honor not to put on her robe like everyone else. Lorelai closes herself in the bathroom as Emily reminds her that this weekend is for Lorelai. "I'm already relaxed," she brags. "You're kidding me, right?" Lorelai asks from behind the door. Lorelai comes out and ties her robe. "Happy?" she asks. Emily tells her that there are matching slippers. Lorelai walks back into the bathroom and slams the door.
The spa lady has just finished Lorelai's facial in the biggest spa room I've ever seen. Lorelai's wearing a mask, has her hands and feet in paraffin mittens, and leans back to relax to the Enya. Lorelai shouldn't be wearing earrings. It'll mess up the massage. The spa lady leaves her to sit by herself for a few minutes. Lorelai settles back just as Emily creeps into the room and pulls up a stool. She sits beside Lorelai. "Are your feet sweating?" she asks. "Mom?" Lorelai whines. Emily says that the booties made her feet sweat. Lorelai asks why Emily's in her room. Emily complains that Magda left her sitting for twenty minutes to take a coffee break. Lorelai bitches and moans that you're supposed to sit for twenty minutes to let the moisture in the mask soak into your skin. "In your room!" she finishes. Emily pulls out her itinerary to find out what they're doing . Lorelai just about bursts into tears as she flails her arms about pouting. "Stop moving, Lorelai," Emily says. "You'll electrocute yourself." Lorelai flails back, begging for Calgon to take her away, as Emily chatters on to herself, wondering if an Egyptian Mud Bath is where they wrap you in towels like you're a mummy. "That might be nice," she considers. She says she'll really like it if the towels are as good as the robes. Because she loves her robe. Loves the robe. Emily keeps gabbing about how great the robes are, and I realize this is exactly what it'd be like if my mom and I went to a spa together. Except my mom only talks about eBay and the things she sells on it. ["My mom has no patience for that shit. Plus she doesn't like strangers having access to her parts when she's all nude, apparently." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai is miserable.
Cut to later. Emily is still talking as she and Lorelai walk down a hallway. This time, she's saying she can't believe the mud bath really was a bath of mud, and that it's not a figure of speech. Lorelai pouts silently down the hallway as Emily keeps chatting about how sitting in a pot of hot mud should have made her ill until they reach the door with the Bugs Bunny-esque "Quiet Room" sign posted on it. Lorelai walks inside. Emily follows, talking about the twigs inside the mud bath. Pause: two, three, four. The door opens, and Lorelai pushes Emily out of the room. Emily tells her to stop pushing. Lorelai punches the door and points at the "Quiet Room" sign. Emily rolls her eyes and sighs. Lorelai lets Emily back into the room.
Lorelai is getting a massage. "How's the pressure?" her masseur asks. "Too much?" The camera pans up and we can see Emily is at the table getting a massage at the same time. "Yep," Lorelai mutters. Emily tells her masseur that his hands are amazing. That's two "amazing"s this episode. Emily tells Lorelai to compliment her masseur's hands. "Oh, my God," Lorelai moans. "Excuse me?" Emily asks. Lorelai says it was nothing. Emily says she knows that when Lorelai mutters under her breath, it's usually about Emily. Lorelai leans up to complain that Emily signed them up for a couple's massage. Wow, Lauren Graham looks hot in that mulberry sheet. Lorelai says that a couple's massage is for a "couple" and not "a couple of people." Emily says that this way is more efficient, because they'll both be finished at the same time. Lorelai says that most people have sex after these massages: "Together. Probably while wearing their robes." Emily asks the masseurs to give them a few minutes of privacy. Emily leans up and tells Lorelai that her comment was appalling. Lorelai says it's true. Emily says, "You're just determined to spoil this, aren't you, Lorelai?" Lorelai says she just wants a quiet, private massage. Emily says that Lorelai's been pouting, sulking, and sighing. Lorelai says that she hasn't been sighing. Yes, she has. Emily points out that Lorelai's been rolling her eyes and mumbling. "Well, that's how I detox," Lorelai says. Emily tells Lorelai that she's been miserable on purpose since they got there. Lorelai pouts that it's not true. Emily says that it is, and that if Lorelai doesn't care that she's hurting Emily's feelings, maybe she'll feel sorry for wasting all of this relaxing time acting like "a petulant four-year-old." Lorelai pouts, wiggles, and gives a reluctant "I'm sorry." Emily says she can try to get another room: "I saw a supply closet down the hall. Maybe my masseur can finish me there." Hee. That's so my mom. Lorelai says it's not necessary. "Or perhaps I could roll myself against a stucco wall and eliminate the need for a masseur altogether." Lorelai politely asks Emily to lie down. Emily tells Lorelai to go get their masseurs. Lorelai drapes her sheet around herself and sighs. Fade to first commercial break, I do believe. My poor fingertips.
Lame Rory is folding her laundry into obsessive-compulsive piles. She's ordering way too much Indian food. She gets another call. Lorelai pretends to be a liquor store asking about delivering a keg. Rory puts Lorelai on hold and finishes with the Indian take-out place. Rory tells Lorelai that she's ordered Indian food. "Can you burn the house down afterward?" she asks. "'Cause that's the only way we'll get the smell out." Rory promises to burn the house down. Rory asks how the spa is going. "Tranquil," Lorelai says. "Really?" Rory asks. Lorelai: "I wasn't done. Tranquil...izers will be required if I'm forced to spend one more minute with my mother." Rory asks whether Lorelai's even trying to get along. Lorelai says she's being a peach, or rather, that she smells like a peach. The doorbell rings. Lorelai wants to know who it is. Rory says that the sooner she hangs up, the sooner the weekend will be over for Lorelai. Rory hangs up the phone with a "Steal me soap."
It's complete daylight outside, so I have no idea what time it's supposed to be. Rory's in pajamas. They've got Mr. Peanut on them. I think you have to buy those at this little store in Melrose. They cost about two hundred dollars. Now, does Mr. Peanut need a cane and a monocle because of some kind of Sodium-overdosing? Paris is at the door. She says she can't study by herself anymore. She says that nothing makes sense to her and that she can't even read her own writing. "The person that wrote this should be wearing a clown suit, stuffing bodies under the porch," she says. She notices that Rory's in pajamas. "This was the big night you had planned? A rendezvous with Mr. Peanut?" She also can't believe that Rory's just sitting around doing laundry. Rory says she hardly gets the house to herself. Paris has absolutely no sympathy for Rory, since she never even sees her own parents. She storms to the door, telling Rory that she doesn't want to get in the way: "I hear there's going to be some hot knitting going on later." Ha. Rory says that she'll study with Paris for one hour. Quick review and pop quiz. Paris says it's a deal. Rory tells Paris to sit on the couch. "Where are you going?" Paris asks nervously. Rory says she's going to change. Paris says that her hour doesn't start until Rory's finished changing and they actually sit down to study.
Lorelai and Emily are dressed for dinner. Lorelai tells Emily that she looks great. Emily asks if she's being sarcastic. Lorelai says she's being completely serious. Lorelai applies lipstick in the mirror. Emily compliments the color and asks what it is. "Vicious Trollop," Lorelai answers. Emily scoffs until Lorelai shows her the underside of the tube. "Now why would you name a lipstick something like that?" Emily wonders. Wow, that's my mom as well. "Because 'Dirty Whore' was taken?" Lorelai tries. "You frighten me," Emily says. Lorelai tells Emily to try the lipstick. Emily says that it won't look good on her. Lorelai encourages her and says it'll look good. Emily says, "All right. But if I look ridiculous..." "...I'll be the first one to point it out," Lorelai finishes. Emily puts the lipstick on as Lorelai taunts, "You're a vicious trollop! You're a vicious trollop!" The lipstick looks good. Everybody's happy. Off to dinner. They check the menu. Both women are very disappointed. Tofu. Steamed. Mung Bean. Lorelai grabs her coat and tells Emily to get hers. She says they're going to leave the spa, find a restaurant, and have a steak. "Who's gonna stop us?" Lorelai asks. A steak sounds pretty good to Emily right about now. Emily says, "Let's go!" and runs to get her coat. What a good scene.
I really like how they dress Rory in clothes we've already seen her in so we know that she's a real person with a limited wardrobe. She and Paris are studying. Paris isn't in uniform, so we can see how bodacious Liza Weil's ta-tas are. Rory tells Paris that she's in much better shape for this test than she thinks she is. "Impossible," Paris says as the doorbell rings. Rory leaves to answer it. Paris begs for another half-hour. Rory says that Paris needs to go now that she's gotten her hour. Paris tries to protest, but Rory's firm. "Fine," Paris says as Rory answers the door. It's Jess, with his arms full of food. "Delivery," he says. Rory asks what he's doing there. Jess says that Luke figured there wouldn't be any food in the house, so he sent over a care package. Rory says she doesn't need a care package. She says she ordered food from Sandeep's. Jess asks if she's planning on burning the house down afterwards, since that's the only way she'll get rid of the smell. He lets himself in to put the groceries on the kitchen table, and of course Rory only mildly stammers because she really likes Jess.
Rory follows Jess to the table and tells him that he's brought enough food for twelve. "Excuse me, I've seen you eat," he tells Rory. Jess says that Luke didn't know how long Lorelai was going to be gone. "Just tonight," Rory says. Isn't she supposed to be gone for two days? She asks why Cesar didn't bring the food over. Jess says that he volunteered in order to get away from all of the construction. He asks whether Rory thought he came over just to see her. They do a little banter about how they don't really like each other and nothing's going on because she's got a boyfriend. He asks if she's going to eat the food. She says she will in a while. She'll reheat it if she has to. Jess reminds her that reheated french fries taste nasty. She realizes that he's right, and decides to eat. She points out that Jess is still standing there. Jess says that he was waiting on a tip. "You want money?" she asks. He says she can pay him in french fries. She says he can have as much as he wants, so he takes his coat off to eat. She says she didn't invite him to eat over. He says she pretty much did. It's so tedious, these two. Paris finally walks in and says she can't find her flashcards. Jess says he didn't know that Rory had company. Rory introduces them. Paris says she's just leaving, but Rory asks Paris to stay. Paris says that Rory was just kicking her out, but she caves when she realizes how much food there is, and that some of it is macaroni and cheese. "I'm not allowed to have mac and cheese," Paris says. Rory tells her to splurge. Paris asks if there's a twenty-four-hour pharmacy in the area just in case she breaks out in hives. There is, so Paris goes to call her nanny to say she's staying at Rory's. Jess asks Rory why she invited a chaperone. Rory says she was just being polite. They divvy up the food mentally and banter about tediously. I dislike Rory whenever Jess is around. Now she should go and call CuteDean and tell him that now there's officially a party at her house and if he could come over maybe Jess would leave quickly. ["Yes! This is the problem: Jess makes Rory act stupid, and also, Rory is a crappy liar." -- Wing Chun] And where the hell is that Indian food?
Nightlife. Emily and Lorelai are at a bar featuring that couple that play at the Dresden from Swingers. Couples dance. Lorelai and Emily walk in looking impressed. There's an hour-long wait. Lorelai and Emily immediately start whining that they can't wait an entire hour. "Can we bribe you?" Emily asks sweetly. They can't, unfortunately, but they can eat at the bar, where they serve the full menu. Emily is upset about eating at a bar. She wonders what people will think. "That we're loose women with questionable morals," Lorelai says. Emily and Lorelai take their stools at the corner of the bar as Emily complains about having to eat without her feet touching the floor. Welcome to my world, Emily. It's called 5'3". Lorelai orders two martinis from the bartender. Emily asks for some peanuts. She chomps them all down as Lorelai decides on steak, Caesar salad, and shrimp cocktail. That's a dream dinner, as far as I'm concerned. ["I'm still back on the mac and cheese, but I'm not fancy." -- Wing Chun] Emily's eaten all of the peanuts. "Hey! Save some for winter, there," Lorelai says. Emily says that she's never realized how wonderful peanuts are before. The martinis are served, and the bartender refills the peanuts. The girls clink glasses. Emily says she never thought she'd be inhaling peanuts at a singles' bar. Lorelai points out that this is a "Sixty-Forty" bar, meaning it's full of men in their sixties hitting on women in their forties. Emily looks around. Indeed it is. Emily spots a skanky woman at the other end of the bar and says she could do better than the man she's hitting up. "What does she see in him?" Emily asks. "Big wallet; short lifespan, usual draw," Lorelai answers. As Emily wonders whether they could have pretzels, Lorelai points out that there's a Sixty in the back mistaking Emily for a Forty: "Silver fox. Totally checking you out." Emily blushes and flirts with the back of her head as she tells Lorelai that nobody is checking her out. But he is and she knows it. She tells Lorelai to drink her martini.
Jess and Paris are discussing literature. Arguing, really. Rory just eats quietly. How much food does that kitchen have? And why hasn't she called Dean yet? What is wrong with that girl? ["Bad liar, and stupid from the Jess." -- Wing Chun] Paris stabs Jess in the heart by saying she has one word for Jack Kerouac: "Edit." ["Damn right." -- Wing Chun] Jess says the Beats believed in shocking people and stirring things up. Paris says they believed in drugs, booze, and petty crime. Rory says they exposed her to a world she wouldn't have known otherwise. I can't believe Paris doesn't make a crack about her own parents here. Paris is instantly moist when she finds out that Jess has read some Jane Austen. Jess says he thinks Austen would have liked Bukowski. Paris asks Jess what he's doing with the condiments. He's making a "Salt and Pepper dip" for the French fries. Rory chimes in that it's the only way to eat them: "It's fast-food gospel." To ensure a quick heart attack. Paris tries and loves it. The phone rings, and Jess asks Paris if she likes hot sauce. "I don't know," she says. "Should I?"
It's CuteDean on the phone. Rory gives a very disappointed "oh, hey." She asks where he is. He's on his way over to her house to bring her some ice cream. He says he knows she wants to be alone, but he just wanted to say hi (blowjob!). She says they could say hi over the phone. He says he wants to say hi a little closer (blowjob!). Rory says that she's a mess. Man, instead of the lying, why not just tell him what happened and if she really doesn't want him to come over she can say she's currently trying to get rid of them but the three of them are having a pretty decent time or she's having a lousy time but the two of them are getting along great. ["Well, you know what I think." -- Wing Chun] Look, Rory is now officially the worst girlfriend in the world. She takes total advantage of CuteDean, and she's a liar. ["A bad one!" -- Wing Chun] CuteDean says he misses her. She says she misses him, too, "But." She tells him that Paris is there because she wanted to study. CuteDean says that he obviously didn't ruin Rory's night alone, then, so he'll come over in a few minutes. He hangs up.
Jess tells Paris that he can't get into poetry: "Jeez, just say it already. I'm dying, here." Rory walks into the kitchen and tells her guests that it's getting really late, and she needs them to leave now. Jess points out that it's seven o'clock. Wow, time moves slowly in Stars Hollow. Rory says that she's still got lots of studying to do with Paris. Rory tells Jess to thank Luke for the food. Jess asks who was on the phone. Rory says it was no one. "No One wouldn't happen to be heading over here right now, would he?" asks Jess. Paris asks what's going on. Jess tells Paris that Dean doesn't want to find Jess over at Rory's house. Paris asks why. Jess asks Rory why. Rory says Jess knows why. Jess says that they're just eating dinner. Rory asks him as a friend (again). Jess asks if she's sure she wants him to go. Rory says she's sure she doesn't want to have a fight with CuteDean. That's not what he asked. Jess says he'll leave. Rory thanks him. Jess pretends he twisted his ankle and needs to lie down. Rory is now pushing Jess out the door in a flirty manner as he flirts that maybe he should stay since she's so tense. Oh, why don't the two of you just do it, already? It's so tedious! One-note and tedious. Give me a new layer, please! Something else can happen, please! Jess says that maybe he should have a heart-to-heart with CuteDean. He promises to speak slowly. Rory opens the door, but the damage has already been done. Poor CuteDean stands there mouth-breathing as Rory immediately starts stammering that Jess brought food by. Jess is also interjecting as Rory's over-explaining. Jess teases CuteDean for bringing a little ice cream over for Rory. Jess says lots of stupid things until CuteDean towers over him threateningly. CuteDean has a massive amount of restraint. Jess does not. Rory makes Jess stop teasing Dean, way too late, and Jess finally, finally, finally leaves. But not before he keeps talking. Leave. Go. Rory starts to ask CuteDean a question, but he snarfs through his nose and storms inside.
CuteDean asks what the hell is going on. He catches Paris mid-bite. Paris says hello. CuteDean wonders how they went through that much food already if Jess just came by to drop it off. Rory says that maybe Jess didn't just drop it off. CuteDean is upset that Rory gave him the laundry excuse, and instead hung out with Jess and had fun. Rory seems to be unable to speak around CuteDean, which is so weird. She just stammers and lies instead of explaining anything. She looks totally guilty, which she is, until Paris steps up and says this is all her fault. She's got a crush on Jess, and she asked Rory to invite him over so she might have a chance to talk to him. Paris goes on about how stupid an idea it was and how it totally didn't work, but that she wanted to give it a try. She thanks Rory for covering for her. She starts to collect her things to leave. "So, Paris likes Jess," CuteDean says strangely. It's quiet, and then Rory says, "Yeah." It's quiet again until CuteDean asks, "Rory, is this true?" Rory takes a deep breath and then lies right to his face: "Yes, it is." She says there's no explaining attraction. Rory says that if she had wanted anyone over tonight, it would have been CuteDean, and that's it. I don't even believe that anymore. She's done nothing to show that she loves this boy since the end of last season. CuteDean says that if she says that's true, then he's going to believe her. He apologizes for yelling at her. She says it was totally understandable. CuteDean says that he wants to leave. Suddenly, Rory wants to be CuteDean's girlfriend and asks him to hang out and eat ice cream with her. Good for CuteDean: he says no. Rory makes him promise to see her tomorrow. Then she gives him a guilt-filled kiss goodbye. CuteDean leaves through the back door.
Rory finds Paris packing her bag. Rory asks why Paris covered for her. Paris says it just came out. "You have no idea what you did," Rory says, which sounds like she's ungrateful. Paris says that Rory helped Paris out tonight when she didn't want to, so now they're even. Rory finally thanks her. Paris starts to leave, but now Rory wants to be Paris's girlfriend. She asks Paris to spend the night and have a bit of a slumber party. Paris asks if Rory's only doing this because Paris helped Rory out with CuteDean. Rory says she's doing this because it's what you do with friends. Paris is shocked that Rory called her a friend. Rory says that whatever they are is complicated, but it's definitely something. Paris agrees to stay: "But if you're doing all this to freeze my bra, I'll kill you." Rory: "Duly noted."
Emily and Lorelai are chowing down on their steaks. Emily loves her steak. She tells Lorelai she can handle her meat. Ew. TMI. Emily waxes nostalgic about hot chilis and skinny-dipping. Lorelai begs Emily to stop talking about skinny-dipping with Richard. Marty and Elaine start up a Frank Sinatra song on the dance floor. Lorelai tells Emily that the Silver Fox who's not hitting on her is currently headed their way. Hey, hey, it's Barney Miller. He tells Emily and Lorelai that he's noticed they're having the most fun at the bar. He introduces himself. He's shocked to find out that Lorelai and Emily are mother and daughter. I'm not sure why Lorelai tells Barney she doesn't want to hear it. They chat about where they live. Barney says he lives pretty much at the bar. Lorelai keeps flirting with Barney as Barney keeps eyeing Emily. The song changes, and Emily comments that she loves this song. Barney asks Lorelai to help him out. Lorelai tells Emily that Barney's asking her to dance. Emily says she couldn't. "Rumor has it you love this song," he says. Emily says she can't dance, and that she shouldn't leave her daughter alone. Lorelai practically pushes her mom into this man's arms. He says the song's almost over, and that she'll have to spend hardly any time with him. They take the dance floor. Emily appears to be having a great time. The bartender, for some random reason, tells Lorelai that her mother "looks good out there." Lorelai smiles and agrees. The song ends, everyone claps, and a slow song starts up. Emily starts to walk back to the bar, but Barney pulls her back in and slow-dances. Emily is nervous, frightened, elated, horrified, intrigued, excited, guilty, and flattered. She finally breaks away and says that she has to go home immediately. She grabs her purse from the bar and runs off. Lorelai follows, and I wonder who paid the bill.
At the coat check, Lorelai asks what's wrong. Emily says they're leaving. "I shouldn't have been doing this," she says. She shouldn't have been fraternizing and flirting with a member of the opposite sex. Emily is upset as she waits for her coat. "I practically cheated on your father," she says. Lorelai says that Emily has danced with other men before. "Not like that," Emily says. Lorelai says it was just a dance, and that Emily was having fun. Emily says, "I don't know why I let you take me to this chophouse in the first place. I don't go to chophouses." She adds that only hookers eat at bars. She says that Lorelai knew the entire evening was making Emily uncomfortable, but Lorelai kept pushing. Lorelai says that she was trying to let go and have a good time with her mom, and that until Emily freaked out, they were having a very good time. Lorelai says that Emily manipulated Lorelai into taking this trip (not true). Emily says that Lorelai practically forced her to engage in inappropriate behavior. "You let me get sixty-fortied!" Emily shouts. Heh. Lorelai says that Emily's crazy: "We were having dinner, Mom. A nice dinner. Hell, we were having fun!" She says that Emily can't complain about their relationship if she's unwilling to let her guard down for three minutes to have a pleasant evening with Lorelai. Emily says that there's a certain way a mother should behave in front of her daughter. Emily leaves, coat over her shoulder. Lorelai walks back to the bar. Barney Miller gives a shrug that reads, "Was my erection against her leg too much?"
Lorelai packs her suitcase, so I guess she is capable of doing it without Rory. Emily knocks. She says she called the bellman to pick up their bags. He'll be there in ten minutes. She thanks Lorelai for agreeing to leave early. What a waste of thousands of dollars. "I guess this whole thing was a silly idea anyway," Emily says. They can't be together for a simple meal, so how would they last an entire weekend? Lorelai says that it was a nice thought. Emily says it's the thought that counts. Lorelai offers to take their bags down herself so that they don't have to wait for the bellman. Emily says that sounds fine. "Why can't we have what you and Rory have?" Emily asks. Lorelai says that she and Rory are different. They are best friends first and mother-daughter second. She says that she and Emily are mother-daughter always. Emily says she wasn't taught to be best friends with her daughter. Lorelai says she knows that. Emily says she was taught to be a role model for her daughter. Lorelai says she knows that, too. Emily says she did what she thought was right, and what it took to protect Lorelai, and now because of that, they have no relationship. Lorelai says they have a relationship. Emily asks what it is. Lorelai stammers, and Emily says, "Exactly." Lorelai says that an intense weekend might have been too much to start off with, and that they should do something simpler. Emily asks whether they should have just taken a brisk walk around the block instead. Lorelai spits that she hates exercise. Emily says she's glad Lorelai finds this amusing.
Lorelai says there has to be something small they could do. She thinks, stands up, and leaves. Emily tells Lorelai it's rude just to walk out on a person. Lorelai walks back holding her robe in the air. She tells Emily that they're both going to take their robes and shove them into their suitcases at the same time and then walk out stealing together. This is how they're going to start a relationship? With synchronized theft? Lorelai reminds Emily how much she loves the robe, and insists that they're going to leave with them. Emily points out that they're just going to charge her credit card when they see that the robes are gone. Shame on Lorelai. She works at a hotel. She knows what a bitch it is when people steal things like that. I never steal from hotels. Both of my parents were in hotel management. Never swipe anything. Always tip housekeeping. Lorelai says that the robe will be a symbol of their trip together. She says it'll be something they did together. She folds up the robe and puts it in her bag. She zips the bag. Emily says that she has a perfectly good robe at home. Lorelai asks if Emily's going to swipe her robe, too. Emily asks if Lorelai stole a robe with Rory before. Lorelai gasps, "No! Rory would never steal. She's far too moral for that." I'd never steal a robe, either. Lorelai says that Emily's a vicious trollop, though. Emily says Lorelai should have her head examined. Lorelai says that they'll make an appointment when they get back. Emily says that in the course of one night, Lorelai has turned her into an adulterer and a thief. Lorelai says they'll have Emily working at the Chicken Ranch by the end of the month. Emily scampers off to steal. Lorelai nods, proud of herself.
Luke's. Construction. Very busy. Rory says she can't believe Lorelai got Emily to steal. Lorelai says she saw Emily trying to return the robe while Lorelai got the car. Kirk asks Lorelai if she's done eating. Lorelai says that they aren't finished. Man, Lorelai is so selfish. There's a line of people waiting to eat and Lorelai's just sitting there gabbing. She's been done eating for a while. I know, because Kirk's timed it, because Kirk's been standing there waiting to eat for a long time. Lorelai tells Kirk to go away before she orders seconds. She comments to Rory that Paris looked a bit green this morning. Rory says that Paris had a giant sugar/carb hangover. Lorelai says it takes years to be able to eat the way they do. Rory says she knows it. Lorelai asks if CuteDean was "crazy mad" last night. Rory says that's a fair assessment. She's spending the entire day with him to make up for it. Lorelai says she's got to get to the Inn. Rory moans that she's probably going to have dinner with CuteDean as well. Lorelai says it's funny that Lorelai will have the house to herself tonight. "I simply cannot stop laughing," Rory says. Rory gets up to pay the tab....
...so that she can flirt with Jess. Rory thanks Luke for the food. Luke doesn't know what she's talking about, and then runs off to deal with the construction. Rory tells Jess it's interesting that Luke knew nothing about the food. Jess plays the innocent, asking for $12.50. Breakfast for two for $12.50? Stars Hollow, you are the cheapest place on Earth. Rory flirts. Jess flirts. Flirting, flirting, flirting.
Lorelai finds CuteDean waiting for Rory outside Luke's. Lorelai says that Rory's inside paying, and that she'll be coming out to meet him soon. CuteDean tells Lorelai that he and Rory are spending the day together. Lorelai says that's great. They both look inside the diner. Lorelai says that Rory feels bad about what happened last night, and that it was just a freaky, unfortunate thing. She says that Rory didn't want Jess over there. "Rory wouldn't lie, right?" CuteDean asks. "No," Lorelai says. "Rory wouldn't lie." The camera pans over the shoulders of CuteDean and Lorelai as they watch Rory flirt mercilessly with Jess and the la-la-la music takes us out. My only hope is that Paris and Rory will actually have to fight over Jess, and that Lane will get to take CuteDean's virginity. Wait. CuteDean can date both Fraulein and Louisa at the same time. Something. Anything. Just not this same thing we've seen all freaking season.