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Although I miss watching Gilmore Girls, I never really miss recapping it. The WPM here is phenomenal. I realize that just when my fingernails are starting to grow out and get pretty, the show's hiatus ends, and by the end of the teaser, I'm back down to stubby nubs. I have to choose between Amy Sherman-Palladino and a manicure. It's not an easy choice, y'all.
Luke's. Construction. Luke tries to serve food to people while dodging workmen. Just as he serves two plates of food, pieces of the roof crumble and pile on the table. Instead of clearing the plates and starting over, Luke just offers free coffee to the patient patrons. He brings over another coffee cup to one of the men even though they both already have coffee cups. He recommends sitting with their hands over their coffee cups. Luke storms over to the worst extra in Gilmore Girls history to ask what the hell is going on upstairs. Horrible Extra (now known as the "H-to-the-E") tells Luke that they're renovating the apartment upstairs. Luke grits his teeth and scowls that his customers are having drywall omelets out there. H-to-the-E says, "Oh, well, that can't be good." Luke says that H-to-the-E promised "minimal disruptions." H-to-the-E says that this is minimal disruptions. It's like they had to do all of H-to-the-E's scenes five times and they spliced together the best takes. H-to-the-E asks Luke to sign some papers authorizing more work. Seems they knocked down a wall and found some pipes that shouldn't be there. They have to move the pipes once they determine what the pipes do. "You're kidding, right?" Luke moans. H-to-the-E says, "Oh, yeah. There's nothing I like more than a good 'moving a pipe' joke." See, my roommate should totally have been hired to play this guy. H-to-the-E is way too stiff. Luke says they have one more week. H-to-the-E says that construction ultimatums are even funnier than moving-the-pipe jokes.
Rory and Lorelai enter and sit. Lorelai complains that the place is a mess. Luke tells the girls that they can't sit there. He says that three people have already been nailed in the head there. Then why keep the table there, Luke? Lorelai gets a cell-phone call, and Luke orders her outside. Lorelai says that if she sits there for another second she just might be outside. Lorelai tells Rory to order her coffee (is that even a necessary statement?) and walks off. Jess, wearing a construction hat, walks up and opens an umbrella over Rory's head. Bad luck? Not when the ceiling falls all around Rory and the umbrella saves her from a case of Broca's aphasia. Why does Luke even have the restaurant open? Why not put the tables outside for a change? Why do I care this much?
Lorelai's on the phone with Emily. Emily has a gift certificate for a weekend at the Birch Grove Spa, and she'd like to know if Lorelai would like to have it. I just spent half a day in a spa on Thursday because my boyfriend is the best person in the world. Emily says she bid on the weekend at the DAR fundraiser and won. Lorelai says the place is "amazing," meeting the quota before the teaser even ends. She asks why Emily doesn't want to take the weekend. Emily says she's never had the desire to go to one of those things, but that she had to bid on something, since it was for charity. She snaps at her newest maid as she points at some flowers on the table. She tells Lorelai that she didn't want to bid on another portrait of George Washington since she already has four in the attic. Lorelai says she'd love two days of total mind-numbing pampering. Lorelai goes on about facials and massages as Emily's maid changes the place setting for the flowers. Emily tells Lorelai that she makes the spa sound like Heaven. Lorelai says it's the closest humans can ever come to being dogs -- lying around all day getting scrubbed. Emily tells Lorelai it's for this weekend. This is perfect in Lorelai's every-day-is-Friday schedule. She says she'll be there. "So will I," Emily decides. Lorelai's all, "Excuse me?" Emily says that the certificate is for two, and that if the place is as wonderful as Lorelai says, she'd like to try it herself. Lorelai isn't so happy about this, because she likes her free gifts worth thousands of dollars that her mother paid for to come with no strings attached. Emily asks if it's okay that Emily come with Lorelai. Lorelai stammers unconvincingly that it's perfectly fine. Emily is beaming as she tells Lorelai she'll pick her up the morning. "You know, I'm actually looking forward to this?" Emily adds. So is it Friday? Lorelai tells Emily through her fake smile that she's looking forward to it as well. "Thanks, Mom," she concludes bitterly. She hangs up and gives an ungrateful eye-roll. I think Lorelai is using a TiVo remote for a cell phone. Also, who has a cell phone that turns off by flicking a switch? What a weird phone she has.
“ It's Emily in front of a stretch limo beaming, 'Hello! Hello! Hello!' Now, if someone showed up at my house with a stretch limo to take me to my free spa weekend, I wouldn't be moaning and complaining. What is wrong with Lorelai? ”
Lorelai plops into a chair to Rory, and pouts that she's going to a spa with her mother. "Lean forward," Rory says. Lorelai puts her head under the umbrella just as more ceiling pours down around them. Lorelai gives a small nod and sips her coffee as we go to the opening credits.
It looks like Rory is packing Lorelai's suitcase. Lorelai gets off the phone and cackles an "evil 'yes'" that her scathingly brilliant idea has come to fruition. She's called the spa and scheduled all of her appointments to start and end in the middle of Emily's appointments, so they'll never have to see or talk to each other the entire time they're there. Lorelai's t-shirt reads: "Yoga Kills." Rory disapproves of Lorelai's schedule-rigging. As do I. Lorelai asks whether Rory's going to throw a big party tonight. Hardly. Rory plans on doing laundry, watching television, ordering Indian food, and going to bed early. Wow. Lorelai says that Rory's supposed to do bad things while Lorelai's out of town. She demands bikers and low-lifes. Rory is packing like Lorelai's going to be gone for a week. Does she know that you hardly wear any clothes the entire time you're at a spa? There's a honking outside, and Rory says that Emily must be there. Lorelai runs to the window, wondering why Emily would be honking. "She hates honking. She calls it 'a mechanical bodily function.'" Lorelai looks outside and moans an "oh, jeez!" Rory looks outside the window and says, "Oh, cool!"
It's Emily in front of a stretch limo beaming, "Hello! Hello! Hello!" Now, if someone showed up at my house with a stretch limo to take me to my free spa weekend, I wouldn't be moaning and complaining. What is wrong with Lorelai? Lorelai asks if they're going to the prom. Emily says she figured they should go all-out with the pampering. I agree. Rory tells Emily that the limo is cool. Emily thanks her. The driver takes Lorelai's suitcase. Rory tells the girls to have a good time. "Bikers and low-lifes," Lorelai reminds her. Rory says she'll get right on that.
Instead: Chilton. A very long shot where we follow the Chem teacher returning lab grades. She's blabbing on and on about a test on Tuesday until we see Paris. She didn't get such a great grade, apparently, and leans over to Fraulein. This starts the "On Friday" bit that goes on terribly long. Paris asks Fraulein what they're doing tonight. "It's Friday night," Fraulein responds. Paris asks if that means they have dates. Fraulein says they do. Paris was hoping they could study with her instead. "On Friday night?" Fraulein asks. "Yeah," Paris says. "But we've got dates," says Fraulein. Louisa asks Fraulein what Paris wants. Fraulein tells Louisa that Paris wants them to study with her. "On a Friday night?" Louisa asks. "Yes," Fraulein says. "But we've got dates," Louisa says. Djb and I start singing, "Hi, Margie!" "Hi, Ursula!" "What's the story? Morning Glory! What's the word? Hummingbird!" Back to Paris, as she asks Fraulein if they'll cancel their dates. "To study?" Fraulein asks. "Yes," Paris says. "On Friday night?" Fraulein asks. "What'd she say?" Louisa asks. Camera pans back over. ("He's in love with Kim! Kim's in love with him!") "She wants us to cancel our dates to study." "On a Friday night?" Repeat, repeat, repeat. Paris goes, "Oh, my God! Forget it!" She walks over to Rory. ("Hello, Rory Gilmore, this is Paris Gellar, can I come over and study, please?") Paris asks if Rory's got big Friday night plans as well. "Well, kind of," Rory completely lies. Paris asks why her entire Harvard career slipping away is of no interest to anyone. Her voice cracks as she tells Rory she got an A- on the Chem lab. She says she's never gotten an A- before. She complains that things are bad at home and that it's hard to focus. Her father figured out how much it'd cost to divorce her mother, so now he's back. She moans that if only she'd fibbed the numbers a bit when she showed him the cost analysis, then none of this would be happening and her 4.0 would be intact. Rory says she can't tonight, but that if Paris is still freaked out after Tuesday's test, she'll spend every day week helping Paris for the final. It's too late after Tuesday, Rory, and you know it. And there are three days between Friday and Tuesday the last time I checked. Rory tells Paris to relax and promises that everything will be fine. Gonna study! Gonna study! Gonna study! Study for Chem! Gonna study! Gonna study! Gonna study! Study for Chem!
There's the Rub
“ CuteDean says he was thinking that since Lorelai's going to be gone tonight, he could come over. 'Oh' is the disappointed response from the Worst Girlfriend Ever. ”
Emily and Lorelai walk into the spa. Emily loves it. She loves the smell. Everything is lovely. She tells Lorelai to try the cucumber water. Emily just thinks the entire thing is precious and darling. Lorelai says she'll be happy if there's Ranch dressing in the soap dispensers. Emily says she loves it there, and that she feels more relaxed already. Lorelai warns Emily that this is how they get you in the Moonies. Emily loves the water and asks Lorelai to try it. Lorelai's not really a "team player" here, and says that they should just check in instead. Emily tells Bobby the desk clerk that they are there. Bobby says they're all set. He gives them their room keys and itineraries. Emily says they plan on leaving the spa "completely different people." Lorelai smiles and says, "Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent." Bobby tells them that fruit and yogurt is served by the pool in the morning, and that the lunch and dinner stuff's on the itinerary. Lorelai asks where she can get a cup of coffee. Bobby explains to Lorelai that the spa doesn't serve anything caffeinated. "And you think that's safe?" Lorelai asks. Emily politely ushers Lorelai away. Lorelai pouts that there's no coffee. Emily tells Lorelai that it won't kill her to go two days without coffee. "No! I think it will!" Lorelai responds. Emily asks Lorelai just to focus on all the wonderful things they're going to do. Lorelai looks at the itineraries and complains that they've screwed it up. "Again?" Emily asks. Turns out Emily had called the spa when she saw they were scheduled opposite each other for everything, and had them arrange it so that they were together. You know, mother-daughter style. Lorelai admits defeat. Emily says she even moved their pedicures to the same room so that they can talk while they get them. "Okay, I'm really gonna need a cup of coffee!" Lorelai says.
CuteDean and Rory leaning on a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! Almost two years, and Rory still hasn't let CuteDean get past first base. Poor, patient CuteDean. Rory tells CuteDean that his lung capacity has improved. CuteDean says it's from all the basketball he's been playing. No wonder their kisses have looked so crappy since that first one (back when the actors were dating). She doesn't let him breathe while they kiss! CuteDean says he was thinking that since Lorelai's going to be gone tonight, he could come over. "Oh" is the disappointed response from the Worst Girlfriend Ever. She tells CuteDean she wanted a "hermit thing" tonight. "Why?" the world asks in unison. Rory gives a "J.D. Salinger" excuse. CuteDean and everyone with a libido can't figure out why Rory wouldn't want him to come over, at least for a little while, so that they can spend some quality time together. Rory says she almost never gets the house to herself, and that she was going to do her laundry exactly the way she likes it, by separating all of the laundry into sub-piles of colors and whites and towels and sheets. This girl is lame, you guys. Break up with her, CuteDean. You deserve better. Some girl's picking a delicates load over your kisses. Rory also wants to be alone to watch television and eat the Indian food she loves (loves the food, only likes the boy) since Lorelai hates the smell. Can't you do all of these things on Saturday or Sunday and have the boy over on Friday night? Then she plans on going to bed early. She asks if CuteDean's mad. "Why would I be mad?" he asks. I can make up a quick list if you'd like, CuteDean. I'll put it under the windshield wiper of the car that you made your ungrateful girlfriend. Rory promises CuteDean that the entire day will be all about him. From morning until evening, they'll be together. "Just don't be mad," she says, like CuteDean beats her and mentally abuses her. CuteDean reminds her that he's not mad. CuteDean replies, "I'm confused, but I'm not mad. I'm a saint, but I'm not mad." Amen. Rory tells CuteDean to inhale a deep breath so that she can kiss him again. What a weird girl she's becoming.
There's the Rub
“ Lorelai just about bursts into tears as she flails her arms about pouting. ”
Lorelai unpacks her suitcase in her hotel room. There's a knock at the door. But it's not the front door -- it's the suite door. Emily is standing there in her robe. "How do I look?" she asks. "Like a...landlady," Lorelai responds. She asks why the doors are connected. Emily says she asked for adjoining rooms so that they don't have to go out in the hallway to see each other. Again, Lorelai is disappointed. I don't know why she bothered coming. She should have sent Rory, who would have both appreciated and enjoyed the spa weekend. Plus it would have been funny to see Rory trying to study in the sauna. Emily loves her soft, soft robe. She wonders how it gets so soft. Lorelai says that having forty other people wear it first might have something to do with that. Emily asks whether Lorelai's ready for their treatments. Emily goes on about how great the treatment is supposed to be and all of the benefits it has until Lorelai says, "Okay. No more brochures for you." Emily asks why Lorelai isn't wearing her robe. Lorelai says that she's sure they'll give her a robe when she gets there. Emily tells her that the robes are wonderful and that Lorelai should put hers on. "They help you relax," she says. Lorelai tells Emily that they're late. "They're wonderful, relaxing robes," Emily insists. Lorelai sighs and says, "Oh, my God." Emily asks why Lorelai thinks it's some badge of honor not to put on her robe like everyone else. Lorelai closes herself in the bathroom as Emily reminds her that this weekend is for Lorelai. "I'm already relaxed," she brags. "You're kidding me, right?" Lorelai asks from behind the door. Lorelai comes out and ties her robe. "Happy?" she asks. Emily tells her that there are matching slippers. Lorelai walks back into the bathroom and slams the door.
The spa lady has just finished Lorelai's facial in the biggest spa room I've ever seen. Lorelai's wearing a mask, has her hands and feet in paraffin mittens, and leans back to relax to the Enya. Lorelai shouldn't be wearing earrings. It'll mess up the massage. The spa lady leaves her to sit by herself for a few minutes. Lorelai settles back just as Emily creeps into the room and pulls up a stool. She sits beside Lorelai. "Are your feet sweating?" she asks. "Mom?" Lorelai whines. Emily says that the booties made her feet sweat. Lorelai asks why Emily's in her room. Emily complains that Magda left her sitting for twenty minutes to take a coffee break. Lorelai bitches and moans that you're supposed to sit for twenty minutes to let the moisture in the mask soak into your skin. "In your room!" she finishes. Emily pulls out her itinerary to find out what they're doing . Lorelai just about bursts into tears as she flails her arms about pouting. "Stop moving, Lorelai," Emily says. "You'll electrocute yourself." Lorelai flails back, begging for Calgon to take her away, as Emily chatters on to herself, wondering if an Egyptian Mud Bath is where they wrap you in towels like you're a mummy. "That might be nice," she considers. She says she'll really like it if the towels are as good as the robes. Because she loves her robe. Loves the robe. Emily keeps gabbing about how great the robes are, and I realize this is exactly what it'd be like if my mom and I went to a spa together. Except my mom only talks about eBay and the things she sells on it. ["My mom has no patience for that shit. Plus she doesn't like strangers having access to her parts when she's all nude, apparently." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai is miserable.