Previously on Gilmore Girls: Luke's nephew Jess arrived in Stars Hollow and instantly pissed Lorelai off. He sure does like himself some Rory, who has a boyfriend -- one CuteDean. Lorelai told Luke that Jess has some problems, but Luke doesn't really need another parent in Jess's life. Rory didn't understand why Jess is only "nice" to her, and asked Lorelai to give Jess a chance. Luke tossed Jess into a pond. Jess is very skinny. He stole one of Rory's books and wrote in it. Luke was panicking about being a parent. Lorelai was sympathetic. Rory and Jess got closer, despite CuteDean being Rory's actual boyfriend. On her fake date with Jess, Rory lost the bracelet that CuteDean made for her a long time ago. Jess picked it up and keeps it.
Quirky teaser begin! Lorelai is upset that she hurt her hand trying to clean her rain gutter (since she never did get some nice young boy to buy her basket and clean her gutter). Rory thinks that Lorelai should go to the hospital or a doctor's office, but Lorelai says that once you go into a hospital, you don't get to come back out. Lorelai moans that she needs some pancakes. Rory reminds Lorelai that she hates ladders and heights and had no business being up on the roof. Lorelai says she was trying to be an independent woman. Lorelai says she's just being dramatic. "I think I have gangrene," she adds. She moans that she's not feeling well and that one of her legs suddenly feels shorter than the other. Rory's not too sympathetic to Lorelai's hypochondria. Lorelai pulls back the bandage on her hand and invites Rory to see that the skin is turning a "glowy purple." Lorelai ponders the possibility that their rain gutters are filled with a radioactive material or alien matter, and that now she'll have superpowers. She says that perhaps she'll wake up tomorrow and have the ability to shower really quickly. Rory pushes Lorelai into the diner for a quick breakfast as we fade to the opening credits.
Luke's. Lorelai moans into her chair and complains that she's starving due to the massive loss of blood. Rory puts on her best Tennessee Williams voice to sympathize with her. Luke's not working behind the counter, which causes Lorelai to freak out. It's Cesar, the guy who we hardly know that works at Luke's. Does that mean that Luke employs both Jess and Cesar? That diner must do really well. Lorelai complains because Cesar apparently isn't as good a cook as Luke is. They don't want just to order something other than pancakes, since pancakes are the whim of the morning. Lorelai sneaks out of the diner and up the stairs to Luke's apartment.
Upstairs, Lorelai knocks on Luke's door. I covet Lorelai's pink hoodie. As she knocks, there's a commotion on the other side, followed by a pained noise from Luke. Lorelai asks if he's getting attacked by his belongings again. Luke answers the door with a sock draped over his right shoulder. He says he's looking for his supply ledger. Lorelai asks if it's going well. "It's going fine," he says, when clearly things aren't going too fine. Lorelai informs Luke that he's got a sock on his shoulder and asks if it's helping him look. Luke walks back into his trashed apartment and asks why she's upstairs. Lorelai says that she and Rory are starving and that they need him to come downstairs and cook them pancakes. Luke says that Cesar can make them pancakes. Lorelai asks what happened to his apartment. "Nothing," Luke says, surrounded by a clutter that has the trademark look of my grandmother's decorating style. It's called "Don't Touch My Shit." If it's all jumbled together, you can't figure out what it is, thereby lowering its chances of getting stolen. Lorelai says the room resembles what she's always pictured the inside of her head would look like. Hee. Luke asks her to help him look. She says it looks like a "White Trash Hearst Castle" in there. Luke rescinds his offer. Lorelai asks where all of these things came from. Luke tells her that Jess's mom finally sent over the last of Jess's things, and Jess unpacked. He just hasn't found a place to store his stuff. Clothes and boxes litter the entire tiny room. Luke says he just has to buy a few more storage items and furniture and it'll all be taken care of. Lorelai adds a can of gasoline and a box of matches to the list of items Luke's going to need to take care of the place. Luke reminds Lorelai that Cesar can make the pancakes. Lorelai moans that he doesn't make the "good, fluffy pancakes" like Luke does. Luke tells her to order eggs. "No!" Lorelai whispers in the best offended voice. She holds up her bandaged hand. "See?" she says. "I had a near-death experience today." She tells Luke she almost fell off the roof of her house, and now she needs pancakes. She says "please," and then offers to help him come shower once she becomes a superhero. Hubba hubba. Jess walks out of the bathroom in full Jess regalia (green camouflage t-shirt, black pants, hair atrocious), and Luke complains that Jess had been in there for two hours. Jess deadpans that his hair just isn't "balancing and behaving" today. Luke says he lives there, too. "Learn something new every day," Jess says as he walks out of the apartment. Lorelai comments that Jess's people skills are really improving. Luke tells Lorelai to go downstairs, and that he'll be there as soon as he can. Lorelai asks when that will be. Luke says he doesn't know. Lorelai keeps asking for an estimate as Luke pushes her towards the door. Lorelai looks down and finds Luke's brown ledger. She holds it hostage in exchange for the good, fluffy pancakes. He has no choice but to obey her. He asks if there was a chance she was actually pushed off the roof of her house today.
Night. Lorelai and Rory walk through Stars Hollow as Lorelai announces that she's finally ready to get a tattoo. Rory says Lorelai's been saying that for five years. Lorelai says she's going to get a tattoo of Mel Brooks. With the Two-Thousand-Year Old Man, Young Frankenstein, and Silent Movie, Mel has earned the right to have his face on her butt. "I am so sorry, Mel," Rory sing-songs. Lorelai says she's sure Mel will love it. Lorelai says they need whipped cream for their ice cream sundaes to eat during their movie night. Rory quips that Lorelai's trying to build a bigger canvas for Mel's display. Lorelai laughs that Mel's a genius and deserves everything he can get. She stops walking as she sees Luke inside his closed diner drinking a beer and watching a tiny television. She tells Rory to go ahead and buy their groceries while she flirts...uh, rather, "has a conversation" with Luke.
Lorelai makes Luke unlock the door and let her in. She tells him that she and Rory are on their way home to eat lots of food he wouldn't approve of. She asks what he's doing. He's watching the game on the tiny television. Lorelai asks, "Is it the first time it's been away from its mother?" Luke says it's a very good television. It's about five inches tall with a coat-hanger antenna. Lorelai says there's a larger television upstairs. Luke says that Jess is upstairs, which means the stereo is blaring and the place is a mess so he came downstairs to have a little quiet and privacy. Lorelai comments that Luke is sitting on an uncomfortable chair in an empty diner that smells like onion rings. Luke says it was peaceful, until a couple of minutes ago. Lorelai suggests that Luke get a bigger apartment. Luke says he doesn't need one. Lorelai points out that he's living in his father's old office, and that it was never meant to be a place where someone lived. Luke says that it's fine. Lorelai says it's too small for two people, or one person with a life. She says he needs to move. Luke says he likes his apartment. Lorelai says it's not just his apartment anymore, and that Jess could be pinned under a box in there for days before anyone complained about the smell. Rory walks into the diner and asks Lorelai if she's ready to go home. Luke tells Rory to take Lorelai out of there. Lorelai gets up to leave, but Luke stops her to ask if she ever hired anybody to clean out the rain gutters. Lorelai says that she hasn't, excited that Luke might be coming around the house. Luke offers up Jess, saying that he needs the extra money. Lorelai doesn't want Jess rooting his hand around anything in her house, but Rory's smitten with him so she has no real reason to say no. Lorelai lies and says that she's got a couple of offers already out there, but if they all say no, she'll hire Jess for the job.
Walking home, Rory asks Lorelai who offered to clean out the gutters. Lorelai makes up the following names: Sid, Lou, and Moose (if Doris will let him out of the house). Rory says she thought Lorelai was going to give Jess a chance. Lorelai says she's not very comfortable around him. Rory says that Lorelai doesn't really know him. Lorelai says that she might not know him, but that she's not too fond of his stand-in right now. Rory promises that Lorelai would like Jess if she got to know him. Rory adds that Lorelai didn't like Luke for the first two years, and called him "Duke" just to make him mad. She says that after they talked and time went by, Lorelai came to like him. "Well," Lorelai answers. Rory asks Lorelai to give Jess the same chance. Lorelai asks if she can call him "Tess" for a little while, and agrees to give him the job. She asks Rory why it's so important that Lorelai like him. Rory tells a bunch of lies, like that Jess is Luke's nephew and the diner is a place where they go. Lorelai asks whether this has to do with Rory being friends with him. Rory says that they are "friendly" but not really "friends," and that they're really more "friendish." As Rory and Lorelai continue discussing the various definitions of the word "friend," they walk pass Miss Patty's Powerwalking class, already in progress. Miss Patty watches a row of Powerwalkers from the comfort of her golf cart, ordering her driver to "match [her]."
Very loud music inside of Luke's apartment. Jess is sound asleep. Luke puts down his baby television (shout-out to Tubey?), and wonders how anyone can sleep through that noise. He finishes his monologue to nobody and accidentally knocks over the tiny TV, probably breaking it. Luke freaks out and starts cursing, throwing clothes all over the place. Jess wakes up and tells Luke to relax. Luke can't relax. He has a tiny claustrophobic freak-out. He says he's having nightmares of getting chased around by boxes that pile clothing on top of him, choking him with packing tape. Jess asks if he should be putting a tongue depressor in Luke's mouth right about now. Luke says that they have to find a new place to live. He announces that tomorrow morning Jess must be up, washed, moussed, and ready to leave. He tells Jess to get back to bed. Jess says he can't sleep with the music off. Luke blares the music again and leaves. What day is it that he can just go apartment hunting tomorrow? And how many apartments could there be in Stars Hollow?
Luke and Jess leave apartment #1. Jess hates it because it's pink. Luke says they can paint it. Jess knows that means he'll be the one painting it. Luke says they can paint it together. "Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards," Jess says. Luke asks which one Jess liked. Jess said he liked the one before. Luke points out that it had a cat and carpeting, which means the apartment will always smell like a cat, whereas the pink apartment doesn't always have to be pink. Jess says he liked the apartment near the bank, but Luke thinks that one had too many windows, which will make the apartment feel like a furnace at 3 PM when the sun comes through the apartment windows. Jess says they can get curtains. Luke says Jess will have to help Luke put them up. "Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards," Jess says again. Luke says he's not picking the new apartment without Jess. Jess says that he doesn't care which one Luke picks, and doesn't really have a problem with the current place. He says he's supposed to go help Lorelai with the gutters. Luke tells him to go ahead and offers to take some Polaroids of the few apartments. Jess tells him to paint a still life while he's at it. He says he never asked to live in Stars Hollow, but he does, and it really doesn't matter to him where he has to live.
Rory comes home to find Lorelai programming her new alarm clock. She tells Rory to sit and wait. They watch the clock turn to four, when the clock starts oinking feverishly. It's Lorelai's new farm alarm clock/CD player with different barnyard animal settings. I had a roommate who put a "mooing-cow" faucet on our kitchen sink, and I almost stabbed her in the eye with a chopstick. I hate barnyard animal toys. The alarm clock looks like a George Foreman grill. In addition to the "perky piggies," Lorelai's new clock also offers "cheery chickens" and "goofy goats." Rory says it's as close to a farm as she ever wants to get. "Amen, sister friend," Lorelai agrees. There's a knock at the door, proving just how punctual Jess can be when he wants to. Rory runs to answer it because she loves Jess.
Jess has come bearing gifts. What's that about a vampire not being able to come in unless you invite him? Anyway, he tosses Rory a CD. "The Shaggs?" she asks. Jess tells her to trust him. She says he's very punctual. Jess complains about having to look at apartments with Luke. Rory says that it might be nice for Jess to have his own room. Jess asks if Rory changed her hair. She says she hasn't, but it looks shorter to me. Jess says her hair looks "different." She asks if it looks "bad different." They're interrupted by the sound of ducks quacking, and Lorelai squealing with delight. "We just got a new alarm clock," Rory explains. "Huh," Jess says. "Bet I know what the lead story's gonna be in the Stars Hollow Gazette tomorrow." Hee. I think that's the best line of the episode. You know, it's not that "Jess" is the problem with this show. I just don't really like the actor playing him. With his Scott Baio hair. ["To me, it's both, but Pamie and I have discussed this at length and agreed to call a truce." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai walks in beaming over the duck sounds. She says hi to Jess. They have an awkward silence. Rory invites Jess into the house. Lorelai asks if he wants something to drink. They walk into the kitchen as Lorelai babbles on about the new Diet Coke with Lemon. She says that it's very addictive, which it is. Lorelai tries to make small talk with Jess, but he has shut up now that Lorelai is in the room. He's not much for talking. Rory tells Lorelai that Luke and Jess are looking for a new apartment. Lorelai tells him that there are great places on Peach, Plum, Orange, and any fruit-named streets. She sighs and turns around so we can see both Lorelai and Jess give a look at the same time. Lorelai basically tells Jess to get to work. Rory offers to show him the tools. Lorelai tells Rory that she's trying. Rory tells Lorelai to keep it up.
Outside, Rory asks Jess why he's unable to hold up a conversation when other people are around. "The verbal thing comes and goes," he explains. Rory asks him to try to be nicer around her mother. Jess says he took the Coke, even though he thinks it's crazy to put lemon in a Coke. Rory isn't into playing little games and tells him to stop. He comments that she's wearing her "disturbed face." Rory says it wouldn't hurt him to be nice to her mom since Lorelai's a friend of Luke's, and Rory's best friend. "So, if you care about me at all, you'll take that into consideration," Rory concludes. Jess asks what makes Rory think that he cares about her. "I don't mean care care, like care. I, I mean if you like me at all. Not like like, I just meant that if you think of me remotely as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to, then you will try to get along with my mom. That's all." Jess watches all of this with a sly smile and then says he'll try. He adds that he can't guarantee that it'll work, but that he'll try. Rory thanks him. Jess says he should get to work. Rory apologizes and goes inside. Strummy music takes us out.
What's Stars Hollow without a strange midday fundraiser where there's tons of people we've never met? It's time for the Stars Hollow Book Fair. I think I just saw Greg Kinnear walk by. So that's what he's been doing with himself these days. CuteDean is CutePouty on some stairs, waiting for Rory. My mom and I just spent three hours in a used bookstore today, so I can sympathize with CuteDean, even though I wouldn't just be sitting around wasting time when there are so many books to browse. CuteDean's got about twenty books to him (which I'm assuming are Rory's). Rory hands CuteDean a 75-cent copy of Inherit the Wind, which is a total shout-out to my dad, who used to ask me about once a month if I've seen the movie, and I'd remind him that I read the play on more than one occasion. Rory has also found a paperback that she'd like. She tells CuteDean that he looks bored, and that he should look around. He says that he did look around for twenty minutes, but then he stopped, and now it's been two hours. Rory says that it hasn't been two hours. CuteDean holds up his watch. Rory apologizes and says that they can go. CuteDean says he knows that Rory isn't done browsing, but she's getting all short with him, saying that she's finished. She gathers her stacks of books, but CuteDean tells her to stop and to keep looking. Rory says she'd rather hang out with him. They have a mini-fight about whether Rory really wants to leave, during which Rory's a bit passive-aggressive. CuteDean says they can go see Lord of the Rings again. Rory pouts that it'd be fine to do that. CuteDean says that he thought she loved that movie and wanted to see it one hundred times. Rory says she didn't know they were going to be so literal. I couldn't make it past twenty minutes of the witches and goblins, so I don't know how they could devote three hundred hours of their lives to watching that film. CuteDean says that they could see something else. ["Rory strikes me as the Royal Tenenbaums type." -- Wing Chun] Rory plays the martyr by saying that LOTR is fine. She then sighs and asks, "Can you help me with these?" Oh, poor Rory.
Kirk is haggling over the price of a book with Gypsy. We asked for her, so we got her. Yay, Gypsy! She tells Kirk that this fundraiser is for charity, so there's no haggling over the prices. Kirk says there's always haggling. He won't pay the full price, even when Gypsy tells him to. He wants to pay a nickel less than the asking price. "It's the principle of the thing," he says, backing up with his arms wide open. Rory walks up with her arms full of books. Gypsy comments that Rory made out like a bandit. She asks if Rory looked over the astronomy section. Rory lies that she didn't find anything, and CuteDean tells her to go look over there for more books. She rolls up her sleeves and says she's done. CuteDean sighs and asks her where her bracelet is. Rory panics and says she took it off. So stupid! Always freak out and scream, "I don't know! Oh, God! It must have fallen off! I mean, I wear it all the time and it was starting to get weak from me wearing it in the shower and I don't know, the rope must have finally snapped when I wasn't paying attention. Maybe it caught over there in the astronomy section. Let me go and look." Even if you take something off because it's ugly, if he notices, freak out and moan that you must have somehow lost it. Then you never have to wear it again, or he'll get you another one to replace it. Instead, Rory says that she was getting a rash from the stress of a Spanish test she had, so she took it off. She says that the rash is almost gone, so she'll put the bracelet back on just as soon as the rash is completely healed. CuteDean offers a compromise. He says she can go look at the astronomy section now, and then they'll go see Lord of the Rings, and then they'll rent Autumn in New York on the way home and mock it all night "with full-on impressions." This makes Rory very happy indeed. He says he's smiling and not at all bored. They kiss, and Rory walks away. "Sixty-two cents," Kirk says to Gypsy. "Get out of here, Kirk," Gypsy responds. "Damn," Kirk says, and walks away.
Lorelai pulls a million Chinese food boxes out of her refrigerator as the sound of Jess working outside can be heard. The strummy music continues as Lorelai starts making a mondo plate of Chinese leftovers for herself and then stops. We have no choice but to take this moment to reflect on how pretty Lauren Graham is. She puts on her blue coat and the quirky music stops.
Outside, Jess is on the roof working the gutters. Lorelai calls his name, walking to where he is. He apologizes and asks if he's being too loud. Lorelai says that he's not, but that she's got a ton of Chinese food in the kitchen and she was wondering if he'd like any. "No thanks," he quickly answers, and just as quickly Lorelai heads back into the house. Jess thinks for a second and then comments that he likes Chinese food. Lorelai walks back and says there's plenty. She says that she and Rory tried to eat the entire "chicken" section of the menu last night. Wow, that would be expensive. "Ambitious" is the adjective that Jess chooses to use instead. Lorelai tells him to come in when he's ready. "I'm ready now," he says. She walks inside to meet him. Jess walks down from the roof.
Inside, Lorelai grabs Jess another plate. She reads off the long list of chicken-flavored items that she's got on the table. She warns him not to eat the red peppers or he'll die. Jess goes to wash his hands first. He asks when she had the gutters cleaned last. He says he found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there, and tells her they'll be finished tomorrow. He comments that Lorelai and Rory aren't too keen on vegetables. He is his uncle's nephew. Lorelai says there are green peppers in the Kung Pao. Lorelai asks if Jess is a healthy eater like Luke is. Jess says that Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke is. Lorelai is impressed with Jess's pop culture name-dropping. Lorelai grabs Jess's plate (even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't done piling the food on it yet) and tosses it in the microwave. Yuck. You can't microwave leftover Chinese food. You have to sprinkle water on it and put it on the stove. Lorelai asks Jess how school's going. "Still there," he answers. She asks if he's on any teams. He laughs that he's not. "Though the thought of throwing a ball at a jock's head isn't entirely unappealing," he notes. They stare at the table for a bit. Jess makes a Luke gesture and says he's not really good at the small talk. Lorelai says he's doing fine. She gives him a cold egg roll. He takes a bite. It's horrible. They laugh. Rory runs in freaking out. Their bonding moment is over as Lorelai runs to Rory in the hallway.
Rory is searching the house for the bracelet. She moans that she doesn't know how she could have done this. Lorelai figures out that it's The Bracelet that's missing, and starts freaking out with Rory. Rory recaps her conversation with CuteDean from earlier as she searches the house. Lorelai asks Rory when was the last time she remembers wearing it. Rory can't remember. Because of all the Jess. As Lorelai helps Rory move the couch, she asks if the bracelet could be at Chilton. Rory says she'd never take the bracelet off at school because she never takes the bracelet off at all. Rory finds Emily's pen. Lorelai tells her to leave it there because it keeps things interesting. A can of Snack Ums and an iBook make strong product placements at the front of this shot. Rory is upset that she's going to have to tell Dean that she lost the bracelet. Lorelai says they're not going to "go there yet," which is a line I almost didn't recap because I think it's lame. Lorelai says that looking at CuteDean's track record, he's probably going to forgive her for this, since he's the most understanding boyfriend that she's ever walked all over. Rory goes to search her room. Lorelai says that if worse comes to worst, they'll just follow him to work, jump him behind the cantaloupes, and then blind him. Rory is comforted in the fact that they now have a plan.
Outside, Jess pretends to work as he watches Lorelai head to the Jeep. He holds his tool and thinks about the tool he is as we fade to commercial.
Independence Inn. Michel is at the front desk. Lorelai is under the front desk, searching for Rory's bracelet. Michel says that earlier she asked him to look under the desk for the bracelet and he did and told her that he didn't find it. He asks if she didn't believe that he looked. Lorelai says she was just double-checking. Michel says he thinks she thought he was lying -- that he didn't get on his hands and knees in his brand-new Donna Karan suit to crawl around where people have walked after walking on dirt and animal waste. Lorelai stands up and announces that the bracelet isn't there. "No? Well, I am shocked," Michel Frenches. Lorelai apologizes. Michel thanks her for the apology and says it means a lot to him. Lorelai says they've turned the house upside down looking for the bracelet. Michel says that as soon as she pays for his suit to be dry-cleaned, he'll give her his sympathies.
Michel answers the phone. It's Luke. He doesn't want a wood-burning fireplace, but he has to pay an extra two hundred dollars for it. Three other places he's seen ask for a $500 pet deposit. Lorelai reminds Luke that he doesn't have a pet, but it's the principle of the thing. He can't believe that some people want a monthly fee for parking in addition to all of the other utilities. He says the parking space isn't even that good, that it's under a tree where it'll get sap. He wants to know where his $500 under-the-tree- paint-killing-sap deposit is. Lorelai correctly deduces that Luke hasn't found a place yet. She asks if there were any places at all that he liked. Luke says there weren't. Lorelai can't believe that there wasn't even one place that had a nice vibe about it. "I don't use the word 'vibe,'" Luke grumps. He admits that there was one place that wasn't so bad. Lorelai asks for him to describe it to her. "I don't know -- it had walls, with a kind of a floor with a light." Lorelai says that if he tells her that it also has a roof, she's going to buy it out from under him. Luke says he can't tell anymore, and needs a second opinion. Lorelai says she'll look at it. Luke says he needs her to come now. Lorelai doesn't really have a job that's a real job that she actually manages, so she can just take off to go look at the place. I always got the feeling that the Inn was far from Stars Hollow proper, but I guess it's not. Luke gives her the directions (he opted for an alphabet street instead of a fruit street) and then complains about that the apartment number has a "1/2" in it. He hates fractional housing. Lorelai says she'll meet him there in twenty and a half minutes. I guess the Inn is far from Stars Hollow. ["Unless the apartment is just on the other side of town." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai tells Michel to cover the desk for her. Michel says, "Well, I mean, I'll say I'll cover the desk, but how do you know that I'm actually doing it?" Lorelai says that she trusts him. Michel: "I mean, it's just as possible I say I'll cover the desk and the moment you step away, I put some fruit on my head and join a Conga line somewhere." Lorelai says she believes that he looked for the bracelet, but Michel continues: "And while I'm shaking it to the Miami Sound Machine, the phones here will ring and ring and ring and no one to answer, no one to assist." Lorelai leaves with a "bye, Mom." Ha.
The apartment is really a house. The realtor tells Luke that the owner of the house might spruce up the floors a bit. Lorelai is wearing a go-go outfit. Was that what she was wearing at work? What kind of patrons do you think they get at the Independence Inn? Is it like a B&B kind of clientele, or is it some kind of business place near Hartford? Huh. These are the things that keep me up at night, people. The realtor thinks that Lorelai and Luke are married, probably because they keep flirting in front of her. Lorelai doesn't let Luke correct the realtor, and just keeps going on about how great it is being married to a big lug like Luke. The realtor is a woman who was on Mr. Show, but I don't know her name. Lorelai calls Luke "Snuffy" as a pet name. Luke asks the realtor (named Mary) to leave them alone for a minute. Lorelai promises they won't do anything dirty. Mary the Realtor says that if she and her husband looked like Luke and Lorelai, they'd be having sex all over the place. "Oh, you are bad!" Lorelai squeals. The realtor leaves the rental agreement with Luke in case he decides to fill it out. She says she hopes they take it because the apartment's got a great "vibe" for a couple like them. Then she walks into what should be a wall, so I don't know where she disappears to.
Lorelai teases Luke for turning thirteen different shades of red. Luke scolds Lorelai. He grumbles that the realtor used the word "vibe." Lorelai tells Luke to break the apartment down in order to find out if he wants to take it or not. He says it's too big. Lorelai says it's not. He says he doesn't need two bathrooms. Lorelai says he does. Luke says that he likes being on the bottom floor. But he's not on the bottom floor at his current apartment, so I don't know why this is a concern. Luke asks Lorelai what her problems are with the place. She says she doesn't have any problems. She says it's great -- light and airy without too many windows. It's close to work and has a good price and the floors will be spruced. It's just a two-year lease. Lorelai tosses off "two-year lease" like it's nothing. Whatever, Lorelai. You can't even keep a fiancé for two months. She says that Luke needs to get a bigger place. Luke says he doesn't know how long Jess will be around anyway, since he won't be in school year and Luke will be stuck in this big apartment all alone. Hey, guys! Jess will only be around for another year! Huzzah! They're already working on writing him out of the show! Lorelai tells Luke that Jess might go off somewhere someday, but that Luke still needs a new, bigger apartment in case one day he finally finds that special lady friend ("a big, pretty dish of loving with a spoon made especially for [Luke]"), since Rachel isn't the only woman who will ever be in his life. Lorelai tells Luke that he can't take a woman back to that place above the diner. This is a long scene. She says that someday Luke will meet someone ("probably at a Timberland store") and he'll want to take her on a date ("juice bar followed by the batting cages"), and then he'll want to take her home. Luke offers Lorelai any amount of money to stop talking right now. Lorelai doesn't stop, and says that once that girl sees Luke's teeny, tiny apartment and Jess's dead body frozen inside it, Luke's new lover will run for her life. Especially once she sees the single bed -- the symbol of a man who has no room in his life for someone else. Luke says that he just doesn't have room in his bed for someone else. Lorelai says it's the same difference. Luke declares the conversation over. Lorelai says that as long as he's in that apartment, he'll have a single bed. She says he should have the possibility for more. He should make a move and take a shot and go past this "Unabomber existence." Luke asks for a pen. Lorelai scrambles through her purse. He says he's not taking the spruce. "Yes, you are," Lorelai answers.
Lorelai walks into her house (I guess work's over?) and finds Jess walking out of Rory's bedroom. He's wearing the same outfit from yesterday. Did he ever leave? Lorelai asks if he got lost. Jess says he was looking to see if Rory had a copy of Franny and Zooey. She does, so he doesn't need to buy it for her. Lorelai says it was nice of him to think of Rory. They stare for a while, until Jess says he needs to get back to work. Lorelai gives him the slitty-eye stare as he walks past her. Lorelai looks into Rory's room, but doesn't find any writing in blood on the walls.
Cardigan Man's Market. Luke's doing some shopping. Cardigan Man says the word "good" nine times when he sees Luke. This doesn't make Luke happy. Cardigan Man says he has a couple of questions about Luke's application. This makes Luke even unhappier. Turns out that Cardigan Man owns the apartment Luke's trying to rent. Yikes. Having Cardigan Man as your landlord. Talk about a list of rules. Luke moans that he looked at a thousand apartments and ended up picking the one owned by Cardigan Man. "Well, count yourself lucky, you!" Cardigan Man sasses, tapping Luke's chest with his clipboard. He says that his apartments have a level of quality control that is "sorely lacking" in the rest of Stars Hollow. He says that all of his properties get their grass measured before, during, and after mowing to ensure the proper inch and a half. Grass Nazis. Luke asks what Cardigan Man meant by the word "all." Cardigan Man says he's got ten properties. Luke asks if Cardigan Man is trying to buy up the town. This is a thought that is very pleasing to Cardigan Man, and says that someday it might happen. Luke yells at Cardigan Man that he can't tell people what color to paint their buildings. "Well, someone has to," Cardigan Man says. Luke says that nobody has to, because they don't live in a fascist society. Cardigan Man says that the fascists had spotless parks. Luke says he has to get out of the store.
Cardigan Man follows Luke out of the store. Luke tells him to tear up the application, because he's not moving and he's a two-inch grass type of guy. Cardigan Man says he's thinking of purchasing the flower shop to the diner, and turning it into a collectible-plate store (with all the greats like Liza, The Wizard of Oz, and yes, we finally have proof that Cardigan Man is totally gay). He says he's got a problem with Luke's sign. Luke's father's old sign is still up (in addition to the sign that clearly reads "Luke's"); the original sign says "Hardware" when it's a diner and Cardigan Man is worried that people will get confused trying to find the diner and end up not walking into the collectible-plate store because of their confusion. Luke is a shade of purple I've never seen before as he tells Cardigan Man to get a good "arm-swinging length" away from him. Cardigan Man tells Luke that it's people like him that keep Stars Hollow from being one of the great towns in America. Luke screams, "Arm-swinging length!" Cardigan Man rips up the application and tells Luke he wouldn't have approved it anyway. He tosses it in the trash. Luke is panting and sweating as he walks back to the diner.
Jess climbs down the ladder with a garbage bag of gunk as Rory pouts by. "You look good," he tells her. Rory tells him about the bracelet. She says she's been all over town looking for it and can't find it. Jess says that he knows the bracelet has "an I've-been-pinned, Bye, Bye, Birdie implication" to it, but it really is just a bracelet. Jess has this thing where only part of his lip moves while he talks, as if he's sort of paralyzed on one side, but doing it as a character choice. Jess tells Rory that she didn't lose the bracelet on purpose. Rory says that things haven't been going too well between her and CuteDean lately (because she went on a date with Jess, at which time she lost her bracelet from Dean) and this will just look bad. Jess tells Rory to keep looking: "Anywhere. Things you lose are usually right in front of your face." He tells Rory that it's probably in her room, right where he planted it. Rory says she's looked there already. Jess says that Dean will just have to get over it, then. Rory leaves to look for the bracelet again. "You do that," Jess says to nobody.
Lorelai's new issue of Jane has arrived, and if I wasn't in the middle of a full-on Jane boycott, I'm sure I could report that Jane's more than happy to report all of its free publicity and that Jane Pratt just loves all the actors on Gilmore Girls and that she and Lauren Graham ate lunch together before they went shopping at Fred Segal recently. Rory tells Lorelai she's been scouring the town, and she's about to check her room again. She walks in and finds the bracelet right away, of course. Lorelai runs into Rory's room. It was under the bed. Rory says maybe she didn't look under the bed. "Oh! That is amazing!" Lorelai says, filling the "amazing" quotient for the episode. I'm sure Lorelai checked under that bed about sixty times as well. Lorelai puts the bracelet on Rory's arm. Rory says that it looks even better than it used to. "I think the time away from home did it some good," Lorelai notes. Rory leaves to go tell Lane to stop praying. Lorelai smiles, cues the strummy la-la music, and watches Jess through the window.
Lorelai walks outside and asks Jess if he's leaving. He says he's all finished and out of there. She says he was leaving without getting paid. Jess says he figured he'd get it eventually since he knows where she lives. Lorelai hands him the cash. I don't like her boots with her skirt and long coat. "You took it. Didn't you?" she asks him as he walks away. Jess pretends he doesn't know what she's talking about. Lorelai asks how Jess got the bracelet. She asks if he broke into the house in the middle of the night. He says he came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus. Lorelai says it's just a huge coincidence that Rory found her bracelet moments after Lorelai found Jess walking out of her bedroom. Jess says that it is. Lorelai says she knows Jess hates the world, but she thought he liked Rory. Jess says he didn't do anything. Lorelai is forced to say the word "bull" and then call Jess a "jerk," which I just wish they'd stop doing on the WB. It's so stupid. Nobody calls anybody a jerk. Lorelai goes off on Jess, telling him that he let Rory run around Stars Hollow in a complete panic looking for that bracelet -- that he didn't do anything to CuteDean, but only hurt Rory. Lorelai says that Dean is great and that Rory is madly in love with him and that the bracelet is the most precious thing Rory owns. She never takes it off and it means everything to her. Jess asks, "Why did it take her two weeks to notice it was gone, huh?" Not only that, it took CuteDean to notice it. Not only that, but Jess just confessed to taking the bracelet. He tells Lorelai not to start calling CuteDean "son" just yet. Lorelai tells him to get out. "You read my mind," Jess says, but it sounds like, "Uradinum mines."
Lorelai storms into her house. She pouts on the couch. There's rapid knocking at the door. Lorelai answers it. It's Luke. Didn't he just see Jess? He tells Lorelai that she just cost him one hundred thousand dollars. He storms into the house. "Oh, good," Lorelai says.
Luke tells Lorelai that Cardigan Man is trying to turn Stars Hollow into Taylorville, "where everyone will wear cardigans and have the same grass height." He says that when he found out that Cardigan Man wanted to buy the building to the diner to turn it into a store for "freaks" who don't have the brainpower for stamp collecting, Luke lost it. He walked around in a blind rage, crazy, until he bought a Belgian waffle. He says he didn't eat it, but just buying it alone shows how crazed he'd become. He says he had Lorelai's voice in his head telling him to take a chance, so he bought the building door. He's the building's owner. He owns the building. Lorelai says he can probably go back to the bank and say he lost his mind, or he could sell the building to Taylor. Lorelai tells Luke to relax and that this can be fixed. Luke asks why he shouldn't want to get out of this. Lorelai says that owning the building gives Luke options, like expanding Luke's or renting it out to someone else who could drive Cardigan Man crazy. Luke says that he should sleep on this. Lorelai offers him some tea. He sits down and agrees to tea. Lorelai asks Luke if Jess ever talks about Rory. Luke says that he never talks to Jess about anything, really, but that if something were going on between Rory and Jess, he'd be really happy. He says that Rory would be really good for Jess. Lorelai agrees that she would be good for him, but doesn't add that she doesn't really want her daughter to have a project for a boyfriend. I don't know why Luke doesn't pick up the disappointment in Lorelai's voice. Lorelai gives a strained "yeah...great."
Luke storms into his apartment, where Joey Ramone is getting blasted ("What A Wonderful World") at top volume. Luke saunters up to his closet and opens it. He takes out a sledgehammer. He walks to the other side of the apartment. Jess follows. Luke slams the hammer into the wall and blasts a hole into it. "That's your room," he says to Jess, handing him the sledgehammer. "Finish up. We'll hold hands and skip afterwards." Jess stares as plaster falls from the hole. Luke walks off as Joey Ramone takes us to the end of the episode.