Lost and Found

Night. Lorelai and Rory walk through Stars Hollow as Lorelai announces that she's finally ready to get a tattoo. Rory says Lorelai's been saying that for five years. Lorelai says she's going to get a tattoo of Mel Brooks. With the Two-Thousand-Year Old Man, Young Frankenstein, and Silent Movie, Mel has earned the right to have his face on her butt. "I am so sorry, Mel," Rory sing-songs. Lorelai says she's sure Mel will love it. Lorelai says they need whipped cream for their ice cream sundaes to eat during their movie night. Rory quips that Lorelai's trying to build a bigger canvas for Mel's display. Lorelai laughs that Mel's a genius and deserves everything he can get. She stops walking as she sees Luke inside his closed diner drinking a beer and watching a tiny television. She tells Rory to go ahead and buy their groceries while she flirts...uh, rather, "has a conversation" with Luke.

Lorelai makes Luke unlock the door and let her in. She tells him that she and Rory are on their way home to eat lots of food he wouldn't approve of. She asks what he's doing. He's watching the game on the tiny television. Lorelai asks, "Is it the first time it's been away from its mother?" Luke says it's a very good television. It's about five inches tall with a coat-hanger antenna. Lorelai says there's a larger television upstairs. Luke says that Jess is upstairs, which means the stereo is blaring and the place is a mess so he came downstairs to have a little quiet and privacy. Lorelai comments that Luke is sitting on an uncomfortable chair in an empty diner that smells like onion rings. Luke says it was peaceful, until a couple of minutes ago. Lorelai suggests that Luke get a bigger apartment. Luke says he doesn't need one. Lorelai points out that he's living in his father's old office, and that it was never meant to be a place where someone lived. Luke says that it's fine. Lorelai says it's too small for two people, or one person with a life. She says he needs to move. Luke says he likes his apartment. Lorelai says it's not just his apartment anymore, and that Jess could be pinned under a box in there for days before anyone complained about the smell. Rory walks into the diner and asks Lorelai if she's ready to go home. Luke tells Rory to take Lorelai out of there. Lorelai gets up to leave, but Luke stops her to ask if she ever hired anybody to clean out the rain gutters. Lorelai says that she hasn't, excited that Luke might be coming around the house. Luke offers up Jess, saying that he needs the extra money. Lorelai doesn't want Jess rooting his hand around anything in her house, but Rory's smitten with him so she has no real reason to say no. Lorelai lies and says that she's got a couple of offers already out there, but if they all say no, she'll hire Jess for the job.

Walking home, Rory asks Lorelai who offered to clean out the gutters. Lorelai makes up the following names: Sid, Lou, and Moose (if Doris will let him out of the house). Rory says she thought Lorelai was going to give Jess a chance. Lorelai says she's not very comfortable around him. Rory says that Lorelai doesn't really know him. Lorelai says that she might not know him, but that she's not too fond of his stand-in right now. Rory promises that Lorelai would like Jess if she got to know him. Rory adds that Lorelai didn't like Luke for the first two years, and called him "Duke" just to make him mad. She says that after they talked and time went by, Lorelai came to like him. "Well," Lorelai answers. Rory asks Lorelai to give Jess the same chance. Lorelai asks if she can call him "Tess" for a little while, and agrees to give him the job. She asks Rory why it's so important that Lorelai like him. Rory tells a bunch of lies, like that Jess is Luke's nephew and the diner is a place where they go. Lorelai asks whether this has to do with Rory being friends with him. Rory says that they are "friendly" but not really "friends," and that they're really more "friendish." As Rory and Lorelai continue discussing the various definitions of the word "friend," they walk pass Miss Patty's Powerwalking class, already in progress. Miss Patty watches a row of Powerwalkers from the comfort of her golf cart, ordering her driver to "match [her]."

Very loud music inside of Luke's apartment. Jess is sound asleep. Luke puts down his baby television (shout-out to Tubey?), and wonders how anyone can sleep through that noise. He finishes his monologue to nobody and accidentally knocks over the tiny TV, probably breaking it. Luke freaks out and starts cursing, throwing clothes all over the place. Jess wakes up and tells Luke to relax. Luke can't relax. He has a tiny claustrophobic freak-out. He says he's having nightmares of getting chased around by boxes that pile clothing on top of him, choking him with packing tape. Jess asks if he should be putting a tongue depressor in Luke's mouth right about now. Luke says that they have to find a new place to live. He announces that tomorrow morning Jess must be up, washed, moussed, and ready to leave. He tells Jess to get back to bed. Jess says he can't sleep with the music off. Luke blares the music again and leaves. What day is it that he can just go apartment hunting tomorrow? And how many apartments could there be in Stars Hollow?

Luke and Jess leave apartment #1. Jess hates it because it's pink. Luke says they can paint it. Jess knows that means he'll be the one painting it. Luke says they can paint it together. "Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards," Jess says. Luke asks which one Jess liked. Jess said he liked the one before. Luke points out that it had a cat and carpeting, which means the apartment will always smell like a cat, whereas the pink apartment doesn't always have to be pink. Jess says he liked the apartment near the bank, but Luke thinks that one had too many windows, which will make the apartment feel like a furnace at 3 PM when the sun comes through the apartment windows. Jess says they can get curtains. Luke says Jess will have to help Luke put them up. "Great. Then we can hold hands and skip afterwards," Jess says again. Luke says he's not picking the new apartment without Jess. Jess says that he doesn't care which one Luke picks, and doesn't really have a problem with the current place. He says he's supposed to go help Lorelai with the gutters. Luke tells him to go ahead and offers to take some Polaroids of the few apartments. Jess tells him to paint a still life while he's at it. He says he never asked to live in Stars Hollow, but he does, and it really doesn't matter to him where he has to live.

Rory comes home to find Lorelai programming her new alarm clock. She tells Rory to sit and wait. They watch the clock turn to four, when the clock starts oinking feverishly. It's Lorelai's new farm alarm clock/CD player with different barnyard animal settings. I had a roommate who put a "mooing-cow" faucet on our kitchen sink, and I almost stabbed her in the eye with a chopstick. I hate barnyard animal toys. The alarm clock looks like a George Foreman grill. In addition to the "perky piggies," Lorelai's new clock also offers "cheery chickens" and "goofy goats." Rory says it's as close to a farm as she ever wants to get. "Amen, sister friend," Lorelai agrees. There's a knock at the door, proving just how punctual Jess can be when he wants to. Rory runs to answer it because she loves Jess.

Jess has come bearing gifts. What's that about a vampire not being able to come in unless you invite him? Anyway, he tosses Rory a CD. "The Shaggs?" she asks. Jess tells her to trust him. She says he's very punctual. Jess complains about having to look at apartments with Luke. Rory says that it might be nice for Jess to have his own room. Jess asks if Rory changed her hair. She says she hasn't, but it looks shorter to me. Jess says her hair looks "different." She asks if it looks "bad different." They're interrupted by the sound of ducks quacking, and Lorelai squealing with delight. "We just got a new alarm clock," Rory explains. "Huh," Jess says. "Bet I know what the lead story's gonna be in the Stars Hollow Gazette tomorrow." Hee. I think that's the best line of the episode. You know, it's not that "Jess" is the problem with this show. I just don't really like the actor playing him. With his Scott Baio hair. ["To me, it's both, but Pamie and I have discussed this at length and agreed to call a truce." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai walks in beaming over the duck sounds. She says hi to Jess. They have an awkward silence. Rory invites Jess into the house. Lorelai asks if he wants something to drink. They walk into the kitchen as Lorelai babbles on about the new Diet Coke with Lemon. She says that it's very addictive, which it is. Lorelai tries to make small talk with Jess, but he has shut up now that Lorelai is in the room. He's not much for talking. Rory tells Lorelai that Luke and Jess are looking for a new apartment. Lorelai tells him that there are great places on Peach, Plum, Orange, and any fruit-named streets. She sighs and turns around so we can see both Lorelai and Jess give a look at the same time. Lorelai basically tells Jess to get to work. Rory offers to show him the tools. Lorelai tells Rory that she's trying. Rory tells Lorelai to keep it up.

Outside, Rory asks Jess why he's unable to hold up a conversation when other people are around. "The verbal thing comes and goes," he explains. Rory asks him to try to be nicer around her mother. Jess says he took the Coke, even though he thinks it's crazy to put lemon in a Coke. Rory isn't into playing little games and tells him to stop. He comments that she's wearing her "disturbed face." Rory says it wouldn't hurt him to be nice to her mom since Lorelai's a friend of Luke's, and Rory's best friend. "So, if you care about me at all, you'll take that into consideration," Rory concludes. Jess asks what makes Rory think that he cares about her. "I don't mean care care, like care. I, I mean if you like me at all. Not like like, I just meant that if you think of me remotely as the sort of person that you could occasionally stand to talk to, then you will try to get along with my mom. That's all." Jess watches all of this with a sly smile and then says he'll try. He adds that he can't guarantee that it'll work, but that he'll try. Rory thanks him. Jess says he should get to work. Rory apologizes and goes inside. Strummy music takes us out.

Lorelai pulls a million Chinese food boxes out of her refrigerator as the sound of Jess working outside can be heard. The strummy music continues as Lorelai starts making a mondo plate of Chinese leftovers for herself and then stops. We have no choice but to take this moment to reflect on how pretty Lauren Graham is. She puts on her blue coat and the quirky music stops.

Outside, Jess is on the roof working the gutters. Lorelai calls his name, walking to where he is. He apologizes and asks if he's being too loud. Lorelai says that he's not, but that she's got a ton of Chinese food in the kitchen and she was wondering if he'd like any. "No thanks," he quickly answers, and just as quickly Lorelai heads back into the house. Jess thinks for a second and then comments that he likes Chinese food. Lorelai walks back and says there's plenty. She says that she and Rory tried to eat the entire "chicken" section of the menu last night. Wow, that would be expensive. "Ambitious" is the adjective that Jess chooses to use instead. Lorelai tells him to come in when he's ready. "I'm ready now," he says. She walks inside to meet him. Jess walks down from the roof.

Inside, Lorelai grabs Jess another plate. She reads off the long list of chicken-flavored items that she's got on the table. She warns him not to eat the red peppers or he'll die. Jess goes to wash his hands first. He asks when she had the gutters cleaned last. He says he found an "I Like Ike" bumper sticker up there, and tells her they'll be finished tomorrow. He comments that Lorelai and Rory aren't too keen on vegetables. He is his uncle's nephew. Lorelai says there are green peppers in the Kung Pao. Lorelai asks if Jess is a healthy eater like Luke is. Jess says that Euell Gibbons wasn't a healthy eater like Luke is. Lorelai is impressed with Jess's pop culture name-dropping. Lorelai grabs Jess's plate (even though I'm pretty sure he wasn't done piling the food on it yet) and tosses it in the microwave. Yuck. You can't microwave leftover Chinese food. You have to sprinkle water on it and put it on the stove. Lorelai asks Jess how school's going. "Still there," he answers. She asks if he's on any teams. He laughs that he's not. "Though the thought of throwing a ball at a jock's head isn't entirely unappealing," he notes. They stare at the table for a bit. Jess makes a Luke gesture and says he's not really good at the small talk. Lorelai says he's doing fine. She gives him a cold egg roll. He takes a bite. It's horrible. They laugh. Rory runs in freaking out. Their bonding moment is over as Lorelai runs to Rory in the hallway.

Rory is searching the house for the bracelet. She moans that she doesn't know how she could have done this. Lorelai figures out that it's The Bracelet that's missing, and starts freaking out with Rory. Rory recaps her conversation with CuteDean from earlier as she searches the house. Lorelai asks Rory when was the last time she remembers wearing it. Rory can't remember. Because of all the Jess. As Lorelai helps Rory move the couch, she asks if the bracelet could be at Chilton. Rory says she'd never take the bracelet off at school because she never takes the bracelet off at all. Rory finds Emily's pen. Lorelai tells her to leave it there because it keeps things interesting. A can of Snack Ums and an iBook make strong product placements at the front of this shot. Rory is upset that she's going to have to tell Dean that she lost the bracelet. Lorelai says they're not going to "go there yet," which is a line I almost didn't recap because I think it's lame. Lorelai says that looking at CuteDean's track record, he's probably going to forgive her for this, since he's the most understanding boyfriend that she's ever walked all over. Rory goes to search her room. Lorelai says that if worse comes to worst, they'll just follow him to work, jump him behind the cantaloupes, and then blind him. Rory is comforted in the fact that they now have a plan.

Lorelai walks into her house (I guess work's over?) and finds Jess walking out of Rory's bedroom. He's wearing the same outfit from yesterday. Did he ever leave? Lorelai asks if he got lost. Jess says he was looking to see if Rory had a copy of Franny and Zooey. She does, so he doesn't need to buy it for her. Lorelai says it was nice of him to think of Rory. They stare for a while, until Jess says he needs to get back to work. Lorelai gives him the slitty-eye stare as he walks past her. Lorelai looks into Rory's room, but doesn't find any writing in blood on the walls.

Cardigan Man's Market. Luke's doing some shopping. Cardigan Man says the word "good" nine times when he sees Luke. This doesn't make Luke happy. Cardigan Man says he has a couple of questions about Luke's application. This makes Luke even unhappier. Turns out that Cardigan Man owns the apartment Luke's trying to rent. Yikes. Having Cardigan Man as your landlord. Talk about a list of rules. Luke moans that he looked at a thousand apartments and ended up picking the one owned by Cardigan Man. "Well, count yourself lucky, you!" Cardigan Man sasses, tapping Luke's chest with his clipboard. He says that his apartments have a level of quality control that is "sorely lacking" in the rest of Stars Hollow. He says that all of his properties get their grass measured before, during, and after mowing to ensure the proper inch and a half. Grass Nazis. Luke asks what Cardigan Man meant by the word "all." Cardigan Man says he's got ten properties. Luke asks if Cardigan Man is trying to buy up the town. This is a thought that is very pleasing to Cardigan Man, and says that someday it might happen. Luke yells at Cardigan Man that he can't tell people what color to paint their buildings. "Well, someone has to," Cardigan Man says. Luke says that nobody has to, because they don't live in a fascist society. Cardigan Man says that the fascists had spotless parks. Luke says he has to get out of the store.

Cardigan Man follows Luke out of the store. Luke tells him to tear up the application, because he's not moving and he's a two-inch grass type of guy. Cardigan Man says he's thinking of purchasing the flower shop to the diner, and turning it into a collectible-plate store (with all the greats like Liza, The Wizard of Oz, and yes, we finally have proof that Cardigan Man is totally gay). He says he's got a problem with Luke's sign. Luke's father's old sign is still up (in addition to the sign that clearly reads "Luke's"); the original sign says "Hardware" when it's a diner and Cardigan Man is worried that people will get confused trying to find the diner and end up not walking into the collectible-plate store because of their confusion. Luke is a shade of purple I've never seen before as he tells Cardigan Man to get a good "arm-swinging length" away from him. Cardigan Man tells Luke that it's people like him that keep Stars Hollow from being one of the great towns in America. Luke screams, "Arm-swinging length!" Cardigan Man rips up the application and tells Luke he wouldn't have approved it anyway. He tosses it in the trash. Luke is panting and sweating as he walks back to the diner.

Lorelai storms into her house. She pouts on the couch. There's rapid knocking at the door. Lorelai answers it. It's Luke. Didn't he just see Jess? He tells Lorelai that she just cost him one hundred thousand dollars. He storms into the house. "Oh, good," Lorelai says.

Luke tells Lorelai that Cardigan Man is trying to turn Stars Hollow into Taylorville, "where everyone will wear cardigans and have the same grass height." He says that when he found out that Cardigan Man wanted to buy the building to the diner to turn it into a store for "freaks" who don't have the brainpower for stamp collecting, Luke lost it. He walked around in a blind rage, crazy, until he bought a Belgian waffle. He says he didn't eat it, but just buying it alone shows how crazed he'd become. He says he had Lorelai's voice in his head telling him to take a chance, so he bought the building door. He's the building's owner. He owns the building. Lorelai says he can probably go back to the bank and say he lost his mind, or he could sell the building to Taylor. Lorelai tells Luke to relax and that this can be fixed. Luke asks why he shouldn't want to get out of this. Lorelai says that owning the building gives Luke options, like expanding Luke's or renting it out to someone else who could drive Cardigan Man crazy. Luke says that he should sleep on this. Lorelai offers him some tea. He sits down and agrees to tea. Lorelai asks Luke if Jess ever talks about Rory. Luke says that he never talks to Jess about anything, really, but that if something were going on between Rory and Jess, he'd be really happy. He says that Rory would be really good for Jess. Lorelai agrees that she would be good for him, but doesn't add that she doesn't really want her daughter to have a project for a boyfriend. I don't know why Luke doesn't pick up the disappointment in Lorelai's voice. Lorelai gives a strained "yeah...great."

Luke storms into his apartment, where Joey Ramone is getting blasted ("What A Wonderful World") at top volume. Luke saunters up to his closet and opens it. He takes out a sledgehammer. He walks to the other side of the apartment. Jess follows. Luke slams the hammer into the wall and blasts a hole into it. "That's your room," he says to Jess, handing him the sledgehammer. "Finish up. We'll hold hands and skip afterwards." Jess stares as plaster falls from the hole. Luke walks off as Joey Ramone takes us to the end of the episode.