We start with Emily's newest maid opening the door for Rory and Lorelai. That means it's Friday night. The newest maid is named Liesl, but don't you bother learning; she won't be around too long. She doesn't know Rory or Lorelai, so Lorelai takes it upon herself to introduce themselves: riffing on Liesl, Lorelai says she's Brigitta and Rory's Gretl. Liesl lets Lorelai and Rory into the house, but they stop shortly after the doorway. Emily and Richard are having a giant fight upstairs. "Why don't you go hide in the kitchen," Lorelai suggests to Liesl. Liesl is incredibly grateful and runs away. "I think George and Martha are joining us for dinner," Lorelai says to Rory. I know many of you Gilmore Girls fans are young. Do you get that joke? If you do, I'm proud of you. Good schools. Questionable parents.
Richard and Emily walk halfway down their staircase, still fighting. Emily wants to go to some of the events for the charities and groups she supports. Richard says he's too busy with work, and that Emily will have to skip these events. Emily is concerned about what people will think about them. Richard certainly isn't. He calls Emily's functions "frivolous parties." Emily's unhappy about that. She storms back up the stairs, and Richard follows her. Rory asks Lorelai whether they should leave so they don't embarrass Richard and Emily. Lorelai wishes she had brought some popcorn. Richard and Emily walk halfway down the stairs again, still unaware that Rory and Lorelai have arrived. Emily is reading off a list of functions they've had to skip because of Richard. Emily argues that they aren't living up to their social obligations. Richard thinks that by skipping the social engagements, they demonstrate that they are busy having their own lives, making money, and being responsible adults. Emily thinks that these engagements are her responsibilities. Richard thinks they are social engagements. When Emily argues that they aren't, Richard informs her that any occasion at which you serve tea is a social engagement. Lorelai appreciates her father's joke. Emily walks back upstairs to get a tape recorder so that Richard can hear how pompous and condescending he sounds. Richard says it's not necessary. Emily says that she wouldn't want him to take her word for it because she might be delirious from all the tea she's been drinking. Rory states that they should leave. Lorelai says that this is "good dinner theater," adding that they just showed up for Friday dinner like they always do, and they're completely innocent. She says they couldn't have predicted they were going to walk into "The Lion King without the puppet heads."
Richard and Emily march down the stairs, Emily holding out a tape recorder. She asks Richard to say "the tea thing" again. Richard says that Emily is acting like a child. They make it to the bottom of the stairs and see Rory and Lorelai for the first time. Lorelai applauds. "I'm sorry," she says, "does Terrence McNally know about you two? Give me the phone!" Wow. Three theatre references in just the opening piece. ["Four if you count The Sound of Music." -- Wing Chun]
Hey, you kids on the east coast might see a commercial for SunCom that shows a bunch of people dressed as states celebrating the addition of new states to the calling area. They dance and play sports as "Happy Together" plays in the background. New Hampshire? In purple? My roommate. Does it make you hold your stomach and gasp in laughter, or is it just because New Hampshire walks around my apartment in boxer shorts?
Luke's. Lorelai reads over Rory's latest paper as Rory moans, "It sucks. I know it sucks. Just tell me it sucks." Lorelai, of course, tells her that it does not suck at all. She says it's an "A" or an "A plus" or anything higher than an "A plus" as Rory tells her that mothers aren't supposed to lie to their children. She says the real world is much harsher and that she can't get a false sense of pride. She says she wants to know right now if she's going to be working at CNN or walking around the CNN offices carrying a basket of sandwiches. Lorelai insists that the paper is great. Luke brings over more coffee and quickly asks whether the girls need anything else. Lorelai asks what the rush is all about. Luke moans that he was supposed to have help this morning (with an obvious glance toward the most likely still-sleeping Jess), but he doesn't, and now he's swamped. He says that if the girls don't order soon, he'll bring them egg-white omelets with a side of steamed spinach. Lorelai and Rory quickly order pancakes and French toast. Jess immediately pops into the room wearing a Metallica t-shirt. Luke doesn't like it and tells Jess to go upstairs and change because his shirt is gross. Jess says he likes his shirt. "How can you like that shirt?" Luke asks. "It brings out my eyes," Jess snarks. Luke says that part of the deal with Jess staying there is that he works at the diner, and when he's working he has to dress like he's there to work and not to go to a rock concert. This is coming from the guy who dresses for work like he's about to fix Ann Romano's toilet. ["Dude, I wish." -- Wing Chun] I just showed my age there, too, didn't I? ["Whoops, me too!" -- Wing Chun] What the hell, this entire episode is for the over-thirty set (which I'm not, but I'm very mature for my age. Shut up) and was written by one of the producers, it seems from the credits. Jess leaves with a "Whatever you say, Uncle Luke." Lorelai tells Rory, "Gross shirt." They both agree that it's a great band, but a gross shirt.
Emily is entertaining fancy ladies. Emily has another new maid, and admits that Liesl only made it through one evening. The fancy ladies all giggle as one asks what Emily does to those poor women. Emily says it's just the usual: "Clean this. Cook that. Sacrifice a virgin on your way out." All of the fancy ladies do the appropriate amount of mock shock and mew that they do so miss Emily at all of their functions because they've just been so terribly dull without her. Yes. Mmm. I'm typing this paragraph with my pinkies in the air. Yes. One fancy lady tells Emily that at the last dreadful ball it was so remarkably boring that she felt her shoes going out of style as she sat there. Yes. Mmm. Then they all fill Emily in on the latest gossip about Truly Bishop (which must be a name taken from Kelly Bishop's family). She had a giant fight at some event that Emily didn't attend (the Schaffers' cocktail party, where they broke up in full view of everyone) with her husband; Truly found out that her husband was having an affair when the stupid tart sent Truly a letter. Can you imagine? It was simply madness! She's twenty-six with a two-year-old! They all roll their eyes and smear their lips across their faces so you can't tell that they still have collagen implants, which are so last millennium. Yes. Mmm. Truly threw an ice sculpture at her husband Eugene's head, right there in front of all of them. Emily says she can't believe she missed that, and the fancy ladies moan that Emily's missed so many things lately. Emily says that Richard is busy and he has a bad back and some bad knees and other bad things that keep him from allowing them to be seen in public. Yes. Mmm.
Enter Rory. The fancy ladies all coo over how nice Rory looks and how pretty and smart she is. They open Rory's mouth and inspect her teeth as Emily brags on about her. The fancy ladies remark that Rory looks just like Lorelai. They ask Rory to walk around a bit so they can see whether she has Lorelai's walk. Lorelai had a fast walk, they comment. Emily tells Rory to sit and have some tea. Rory says she's just there to pick up a book from Grampa. Emily tells her to check the study as Rory twirls out of the room. The fancy ladies ask Emily how old Rory is. She's sixteen, Emily announces, so you people stop emailing me asking how old she is and how she's driving a Jeep and when she had her sweet sixteen and when she's taking her SATs and her PSATs. The fancy ladies ask whether Rory's had her cotillion yet. The Daughters of the Daughters of the American Revolution are having a debutante ball week, and they're sure they'd make an exception for Emily Gilmore if she wanted her granddaughter to be presented on such short notice. The fancy ladies tell Emily she'll be the hit of the ball "with a girl like that." She'll be the prettiest one there. "Except for Katie Heathington," one fancy lady notes. "No, didn't you hear?" another fancy lady interrupts. "Katie Heathington fell off her horse; has a scab on her face." The blonde fancy lady replies, "Well then, if Katie Heathington has a scab on her face, Rory would definitely be the prettiest one there." That's my favorite line of this episode. "It'll be your crowning moment," the other fancy lady tells Emily. Rory walks back onto the patio, announcing that she found her book, and finds all of the fancy ladies staring at her. Rory gets creeped out and celebrates her book-finding with a tiny "Yay."
Lorelai is sitting at her kitchen table doing something that looks suspiciously like she's highlighting in a book. Oh, right. Those business classes we always hear about but never really see. The inn. Right. I'll just keep the storyline going, since they're dropping it for now. Rory walks in and announces that she's coming out. Lorelai doesn't make any of the seventeen thousand jokes that she could leap on right now (like, "If your belly button just announced that instead of your mouth, you're moving out" or "Poor Dean, he'll be crushed") and instead asks Rory what she's talking about. Rory says that she's going to be presented as a lady. She explains what's going to happen as Lorelai slowly but surely gets nauseous and disgusted. Lorelai says that Rory's talking to Emily and the DAR fancy ladies is like "accepting the position as the drummer for Spinal Tap." I sure hope you teens studied up on your 1970s Pop Culture for this episode. Lorelai keeps getting disgusted until Rory reminds her that there's cake at the ball. Lorelai always perks up for cake. Lorelai grabs the phone to call Emily; she promises she'll get Rory out of this. Rory doesn't want out of this, though; she wants to do something that will make Emily so happy. Lorelai says that Emily will get people to do all kinds of things they don't really want to do. She adds that she's still convinced that Emily had something to do with getting Lily Tomlin to do that movie with John Travolta. Okay, that one I had to look up. She's talking about Moment By Moment, a movie about a stripper (John Travolta) falling in love with an older woman (Tomlin), and it's supposed to be horrible. Travolta must have done this movie since his older woman lover from The Boy in the Plastic Bubble had just died of cancer and he was still all in love with her and not Kelly Preston ever. I can't imagine that film is supposed to be common knowledge when I've never heard of it and Djb's never heard of it. ["Since we're tallying up, I had heard of the title but didn't know who was in it." -- Wing Chun] I have a copy of The Boy in the Plastic Bubble. I own John Travolta Sings. I have all things Travolta. I have a Welcome Back Kotter t-shirt.
Anyhoo, Rory says that this is important to Emily, and that if it's that important to her, she might as well do it. Lorelai says that these kinds of parties say, "Hi! I'm Rory. I'm of good breeding and of marriageable age and I will now parade around in front of young men of similarly good breeding and marriageable age so they can all take a good long look at me." She says it's no different than animals at the county fair getting judged, except "sheep don't wear hoop skirts." Rory says that Lorelai doesn't have to be a part of it. Lorelai says she'll do it if Rory wants her to, but that it's weird because it's all the stuff she ran away from as a kid, and she always expected Rory to run away from it all, too. Rory says, "Well, I would, but I heard debutantes don't run. Something about the heels." They sit down at the table as Lorelai starts to plan it all out. She says that Rory will need a dowry, so she hands Rory a cow creamer. "Shoes, hose, gloves. Some mice, a dog, a pumpkin." Rory pouts and says that her father is supposed to present her at the ceremony. She says it's no big deal: "I can get somebody else to do it. Grampa, probably. Or Taylor. Or the cable guy." Oh, please let it be Taylor. Lorelai grabs the phone to call Christopher. Lorelai calls and hears that the number has been changed. She writes down the new number. Rory says that Christopher won't come. Lorelai says that Rory can't know unless she asks, and that the cable guy isn't going anywhere. Lorelai calls and Christopher answers the phone.
Lorelai walks into the living room to have this conversation. She asks where Christopher is. He says he's in Boston, but he's in the same apartment he was in when she called him on her cell phone at her bachelorette party. She tells him she's in Helsinki with a girl rock band that's huge with the Nordic set. They banter about both being physically and technologically capable of calling one another, but he says he didn't call because he figured she was busy breaking up her engagement. She says that the engagement is still broken up, and that she's okay and that she doesn't want to talk about it. She announces that Rory's having her coming-out ball. Christopher remarks that he can't believe Lorelai is letting Rory do such a thing. Lorelai says she didn't want Rory to use her method of getting out of it. Christopher asks whether Lorelai told Rory about Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke, and Gloria Vanderbilt. Lorelai says she has and that Rory's ready to "marry Cary Grant, get offed by her crazy butler, and start designing blue jeans as soon as the ball ends." Lorelai says the part of the conversation will be hard. Christopher asks if all of Lorelai's normal "976" numbers are busy. Do they still even have "976" numbers? Lorelai says she knows that Christopher would rather sit through Endless Love than be a part of this, but it would mean a lot to Rory to have him there. Also, since he's constantly not there for her and he lets her down often, this might be a way to make it up to her, because he certainly owes her. Lorelai moves from guilt to threats without taking a breath and tells Christopher that she'll hunt him down like a half-priced Kate Spade purse if he hurts Rory. Do you think that Lorelai would care about a Kate Spade anything? Christopher says he'll be there. Lorelai asks him to not make the promise if he can't be there. Christopher says he wouldn't miss it, and that it's on his schedule. They joke about whether he's going to be there, and the fact that he said the word "schedule." They hang up.
"Hey, Little Debbie!" Lorelai says as Rory walks back into the living room. She tells Rory that Christopher will attend the ball. Rory's happy. Lorelai says that Christopher will be announcing that Rory Gilmore is officially open for business. Rory asks whether Christopher said "definitely." He did, so Rory's happy that there's a 50/50 chance he'll show. Lorelai says that Christopher sounded pretty confident, so it might be a 60/40 chance he'll show. Fade to commercials.
I can't stop eating these Cosmic Potato Puffs from Trader Joe's. Someone needs to come over to my apartment and physically stop me from eating them. Oh, wait. I have turkey meatloaf leftovers. Sandwiches! Unemployment rocks! Kill me.
I like Omar and all, but I cannot bring myself to watch Smallville. Just the previews make me all giggly. Why does everyone on that show have to talk like Kim Deal at the beginning of "Cannonball"?
Lane, CuteDean, and Rory sit on a couch watching the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony, one award show that Stee and I haven't covered yet. ["Is that a threat of some kind? 'Cause I'm making a mental note right now." -- Wing Chun] CuteDean is pouty. Lorelai is on the phone with Emily trying to thwart any conversation Rory would have to suffer. She tells Emily that she hasn't ever purchased Rory a pair of full-length gloves, since there's no reason to own them on their planet. Rory points out that Neil Young looks cool in a tux. CuteDean says that Neil Young looks cool because he's Neil Young and not because he's wearing a tux. I think Neil Young looks like Creepy Uncle Neil who walks into your room and holds your teddy bear just out of your reach and won't let you have it back until you start crying. But that's just me. Because I didn't grow up listening to Neil Young. Because I'm not in my thirties yet. Lorelai walks back into the room and asks Rory whether she'd like Emily's stylist to come and do her hair right before the ball. Rory makes a face and Lorelai tells Emily that she didn't coach her response. Rory tells CuteDean that he'll look great in a tux. "Tails," Lane reads. CuteDean is upset. Lane reads that all male escorts must be in tails with a white cummerbund and white gloves. CuteDean is outraged. Rory says she's sure the gloves are optional. Lane says that according to the handbook, the gloves are definitely not optional. CuteDean is freaking out, and Rory tells him to remember Neil Young. That doesn't work, so she reminds him to remember how much he loves her. That still doesn't work, so she reminds him that she'll be watching Battlebots with him for a month. CuteDean has somehow become a very bad actor over the summer, and it makes me sad. He sighs and asks to see Neil Young again.
Christopher arrives outside in a Volvo. Rory runs outside to greet him and Christopher stops her, reminding her that a lady never runs outside to meet a gentleman caller unless he has been announced. Rory teases that they have yet to tame her wild ways. Lorelai is there, and once everyone hugs, Lorelai instantly starts teasing Christopher about the car. Christopher says he needed more space since he had something big to haul. He goes into the trunk and pulls out the dictionary he couldn't afford to buy Rory last season. He apologizes that it took so long, but Rory's just as happy. He says that this is the latest, and if he had bought her that old one it wouldn't have had the word "jiggy" in it. Hee. Rory thanks him and runs off to look things up. He stops her and hands her what looks like a paperweight magnifying glass. Rory thanks him again, goes into full overbite mode, and runs off. Lorelai is smitten. Christopher reminds her that she was mocking the car. She goes back to mocking the car, saying that he's going to go to Bingo now. Christopher says he needed something to get to and from work. Again, Lorelai is amazed. Christopher says it took a while, and once he stopped confusing the word "work" for "nap," he got it all figured out. Lorelai asks about the job, and Christopher basically says he shows up, schmoozes Linda from Marketing at the water cooler, doesn't leave until the day is over, and then they pay him for sitting there. Christopher tells Lorelai to get in the car. She says she's not supposed to ride around in cars with strange boys. She makes him promise not to drive more than twenty-five miles an hour on the motorway. Lorelai gets in the car and Christopher starts blasting heavy metal on the car's stereo. Lorelai makes a lame joke about the sound system and then realizes that the hard-core boy is still inside Christopher as Rory runs over and tells them in fifty-cent words to turn the music down. Lor-e-lai's in luh-uve!
Emily and Lorelai have returned from shopping. Who knows what day it is, really? Emily has purchased twelve pairs of pantyhose, so that Rory is prepared for the entire ball. It is a busy ball, after all, and Rory could get a run. Lorelai says that they bought enough pantyhose to put Rory through several classy functions, from graduations to marriages to anniversaries, hostess gigs, and jury duty. "You make me tired," Emily says. Emily turns to see Richard, and remarks that she didn't know he was home. "Yes, well, we learn something every day," he says. Heh. Emily asks what he's doing at home, and Richard barks that he doesn't have to give Emily an itinerary of his day, and he isn't accountable to her for all of his time. Emily reminds Richard to pick up his tux after work tomorrow. He says he won't have time. Emily wants him to try on some cufflinks she bought, but Richard is angry that he's been wrangled into attending a function just because Emily put Rory in it, and he doesn't want to try anything on. He leaves the room and Emily slams the cufflinks into a bag. Lorelai asks whether anything is wrong, and Emily says that everything is fine. Emily says that Richard is busy and not upset. Lorelai says it was her mistake, and Emily leaves to pick up Richard's tux.
Rory and CuteDean are getting dance lessons at Miss Patty's. They aren't doing very well. Miss Patty reminds them to spot so they don't get dizzy. She tells them that she normally finds a "lonely seaman," and I giggle through the rest of her bit about spotting and spinning because "seaman" is funny. "Lonely seaman" is even funnier. Miss Patty spins and says, "Hello, sailor" until CuteDean is pretty much ready to break up with Rory and move back to Chicago. Rory tells him he doesn't have to say the "hello, sailor" part. CuteDean tells Rory she's going to be watching Battlebots for the rest of her life. They go back to attempting dance steps until Lorelai and Christopher walk into the studio. Lorelai travels quickly, doesn't she? What day is it? What time? Who cares. Christopher and Lorelai have brought coffee for everyone. Lorelai says that they're improving since they're actually facing each other now. Miss Patty lets them take a break, but warns them not to sit down so their muscles don't get cold. Lorelai asks how it's going. Rory says she's not very good at this. CuteDean says it's a shame, because she's really holding him back since he's a natural. Lorelai makes a joke that Rory just needs a shiny glove and "a really freaky face." Rory says that at one point Miss Patty was so concerned Rory was going to get hurt that she made Rory sit in a corner and watch. Lorelai points and very deliberately says, "Hey! Nobody puts Baby in the corner." Now, it would have been even better if somehow Emily could have poked her head in at that point to check on Rory's shoes or something, since she was the woman to whom that order was originally given. Christopher says that ballroom dancing is a wonderfully sexist tradition, and that all a woman needs to be able to dance is a strong male lead. "No offense, Dean," he says, and I can't believe CuteDean doesn't at least take some offense to that statement. Christopher pulls Lorelai, and she stumbles. She asks for a do-over. Christopher turns on the music, and it's "The Way You Look Tonight." Lorelai brats, "Do you have a trust fund?" She then flips her head towards Rory and says, "Always make sure." They dance, and it's nice. Warm fuzzies all around. Christopher and Lorelai are wearing matching brown outfits, and I covet Lorelai's skirt. Rory and CuteDean are charmed by their dancing. Miss Patty is, as well. As Christopher and Lorelai finish their dance, CuteDean and Rory applaud. "Okay, I'm adopted," Rory says. Christopher says that she'll get the hang of it. "Listen to your father, Rory," Miss Patty chimes in. "Your adorable, adorable father." Yikes. Run, Christopher! Lorelai says that they should leave before Christopher becomes Miss Patty's husband. Christopher briefly flirts with Miss Patty before he grabs his coffee from the tray and leaves.
Lorelai and Christopher leave Miss Patty's and walk through Stars Hollow. Lorelai is amazed that she still remembers all of those steps. Christopher wishes he didn't, and wonders how much brain space he could free up if he didn't remember how to do the Viennese Waltz. Lorelai adds that she also has brain space occupied by Brady Bunch reruns and the lyrics to "Rapture." Christopher sneers into his chai latte, and Lorelai teases him for ordering a chai latte in the first place. She mentions that Luke wouldn't know what a chai anything is. Christopher says it's probably just tea with a cinnamon stick. Lorelai says she's pretty sure it's not a cinnamon stick. Christopher tosses the cup away. She asks why he'd order a chai latte in the first place. He says that everyone at work drinks them. She says that since he still hasn't told her what he does for a living, she's now going to assume he's either a yoga instructor or a chiropractor. He says a sentence that I hear as, "Blah blah tech blee dot com scale back blah blah market blee hard times." He adds that they dress as superheroes as they do it. Lorelai asks how long he plans on keeping this job. He says he'll be there at least until Tuesday. He notes that he always used to hate being at a certain place at a certain time, but now he really appreciates the stability. He likes feeling like he's done something at the end of the day, and that it only took ten years and several failed business ventures for him to realize that he doesn't want his parents' life. He adds that that's something Lorelai figured out when they were sixteen. Lorelai actually knew that at six months, she corrects him, but she couldn't vocalize it yet. Christopher says he was always jealous of her for going out and getting what she wanted. Lorelai notes that he seems to be catching up. She looks over at Rory dancing in the studio and tells Christopher that he did good. He says that he did good, but the fact that Rory can't follow a lead is Lorelai's fault. Christopher looks away so that Lorelai can stare at him and become increasingly smitten as we fade to commercial.
Y'all. This week I'm recapping my final Popstars before we move the show into Permanent Hiatus. I know you don't care, but I'll miss recapping that half-hour crapfest. It kept my aggressions away from this show.
Rory is on the couch painting her toenails. I would have been in so much trouble for that. She's going to spill nail polish on the couch and get grounded for a month. Well, she's not, but I would have. Lorelai slowly walks over carrying a book on her head, bragging that she's able to walk with a book on her head while eating Kung Pao Chicken with chopsticks out of a container at the same time. In the background, Christopher is teaching CuteDean how to tie a bowtie. These kids sure have to be supervised all the time. I was always hiding out with my high-school boyfriends so we could have maximum make-out time. Rory goes to get the last egg roll out of the container, and Lorelai blocks her. She tells Rory that a lady never reaches for the last egg roll. In fact, a lady never reaches or gets anything for herself. She sits and waits for someone to do everything for her. "They don't even get their own ideas," Lorelai says. Rory says a "phooey" to that and starts digging into the egg-roll container. CuteDean asks Christopher how he knows so much about bowties. Christopher says he went to dozens of cotillions and balls and had one experience with the Children of the American Revolution, where Lorelai points out that Christopher wore only the bowtie. CuteDean asks Christopher whether he thinks it's cool when Neil Young wears a tux. Christopher says that he does, but it's because he's Neil Young, and not because he's wearing a tux. CuteDean gives the appropriate reaction to Rory. He rips off the tie and kisses Rory goodbye, saying he'll see her at three. What day is it? Did we miss Friday dinner? Rory hands CuteDean a box and says that his gloves are inside it. "I thought you were kidding," he says. "Oh, no," Lorelai laughs. "Ladies never kid." CuteDean pouts off. Rory gets up and says something that sounds like she's going to bed. Lorelai asks whether she needs help. Rory says she doesn't, and Lorelai says that's the wrong answer. Rory says goodnight and hobbles off with her toenail dryers still stuck in between her toes. So, it's bedtime, so I guess CuteDean meant he'll see her at three tomorrow? So it's Friday night tonight? Where was dinner?
Rory walks away as Lorelai tells Christopher that she doesn't know how Rory's going to make it in society. She says that, at this rate, Rory will get a job and only marry once. She picks up the phone to call Emily. She tells Christopher that Emily has been calling every five minutes to check on something about Rory's clothes or shoes or whatever, but that she hasn't called at all tonight. Maybe because she was expecting you for dinner? She tells Christopher that her parents are openly fighting, and that they've never done that before. Christopher suggests that she move to California, which is what he does when his parents fight. Lorelai tells him that Richard doesn't even want to go to the debutante ball, and she can't figure out why. Christopher suggests that Lorelai talk to him, and then asks rhetorically whether he was the one who just said that sentence. Lorelai says that there's nothing she can do tonight, so she's going to go to bed. She asks whether she needs to turn off the lights for Christopher, and he says he's got some work to do. She laughs, and then remembers that it's not a joke anymore when he says he has to work. Christopher magically pulls a PowerBook out of nowhere. It's magical and allows you to work immediately upon opening it.
We're at the ball. Lorelai looks beautiful in a black shiny dress. Her hair is pulled back in a simple ponytail at the nape of her neck. Rory's hair is up, and she's carrying her dress. Rory sees the giant staircase she's going to have to descend. Lorelai suggests that she slide down the banister instead. The Debutante Ball Lady informs Rory that she's late and leads her upstairs, where the other girls are getting ready. Lorelai tells her to head for the "toxic cloud of Chanel and Final Net." She also reminds her again to slide down the banister.
Rory's led into the Room of Pretty Girls and is told she won't have a lighted mirror, since they all went to the girls who were there before dawn getting ready. The Debutante Ball Lady informs the girls that they all have to be ready to go by 7:30. This throws a panic among all of the girls in the room. I can't believe they didn't put Paris in this episode, pouting that she has to be a debutante, or Louisa, loving every second of it. Rory sits down to a blonde and remarks that she can't believe she's got an hour and a half. "I know! I am never going to be ready!" the blonde says. She complains about the swelling on her nose (I guess she got a nose job right before the ball?) and then introduces herself as Libby. She holds up two different lipsticks and says she's thought about this all month and can't decide what shade to wear. She doesn't want to look like a whore. "Or a teacher," she adds with much more disdain. Rory says it's a difficult decision. Libby says that this cotillion will determine her social status for the rest of her life. "Wow," Rory says. "What if you trip?" Libby cannot believe that Rory just jinxed her. Rory says that she's the one who's probably going to trip. Libby says you shouldn't joke about things like that, and then barks at the woman doing her hair.
Lorelai tells the bartender that he's a wonderful, wonderful man, and that she's got a feeling they're going to be very close tonight. Emily walks up and gives Lorelai a once-over. Lorelai says she tried calling all night. Emily says she was busy. "And then we got here before you," Lorelai adds. Emily asks for Lorelai's point. Lorelai says she was just worried because she thought it was weird. Emily starts complaining about the flowers. "Baby's breath? What is this, County General?" Hee. Lorelai compliments Emily's dress. Emily hates the tabletops and carpeting. She wanted Rory to be presented in a beautiful ballroom. Lorelai tells Emily that it's fine, and that she's been too hard on everything. Emily leaves to give some woman named Nan a piece of her mind concerning the proper length for tablecloths.
Libby offers Rory a swig from her canteen of Midori Sour. Rory respectfully declines, and Libby starts boozing it up. She says at her last cotillion she was with a girl who couldn't handle her liquor and puked neon green all over her white dress. They all look like ballerinas. I had to wear a white dress for my National Junior Honor Society induction ceremony. It was just like this, but without any money at all. No money. And the only celebrity there was the boy who called my name, who eventually grew up to play for the Houston Rockets. Libby says that this is her fifth coming-out ball this year. She informs Rory that four out of five debs marry their escorts, so she figures one of these boys has to stick. Rory appreciates Libby's logic. Libby asks whether Rory's escort is the one she's going to marry. Rory hasn't ever thought of marriage. She doesn't even like to tell CuteDean that she loves him. She doesn't even like being alone in a room with him, so no, she doesn't think of him as The One. "Is he cute?" Libby asks. "Yes, he is very cute," Rory answers. That's why the ladies call him CuteDean. Double shout-out to me. Katie Heathington with the scab on her face walks up at this point. She dramatically flops her head to the side and asks whether the scab is horrible. It looks like a strip of purple shiny make-up, so I'd say it's not too horrible. It doesn't look like a scab at all. I had a scab that covered half of my face for two months because I ate shit off my bike and slid in gravel on my head, and stupid Adam Browne called me "Scarface Alcapam" every day on the bus. I hate him. And yes, it was funny. It's funny now. Not back then. I cried to my dad about it back then, and my father told me that Adam Browne was a very funny, very smart kid. I hate Adam Browne. I've been recapping for so long that I'm pretty sure I've told the Scarface Alcapam story before, but I have no way of knowing which recap I threw it into over the past three years. ["Sure you do -- the search engine! Which says this is the first time you've told it on Mighty Big TV." -- Wing Chun]
Fancy ladies are making small talk with Lorelai about rehabs and fat farms. Christopher swoops in and saves her, making Lorelai immediately fall even more in smitten. "You saved me," she says. "I love you. I wanna have your baby. Oops. Too late." Christopher makes a joke about Lorelai being on Homecoming Court. Lorelai tells him that Neil Young's got nothing on him in a tux. Emily walks up and asks whether Lorelai's seen Richard. Lorelai asks why Richard and Emily didn't come together. I can't believe that everyone's just fine with Christopher standing there, since there was much screaming and fussing the last time he was in town around Lorelai's parents. Turns out Richard's already there, at the bar. Emily walks over and starts fighting with him. Lorelai tells Christopher that she can't look. She asks whether Emily's beating Richard with the Baby's Breath. Christopher says they're energetically practicing their sign language. Christopher says that it's time for a martini, but the bartender isn't around. Lorelai walks behind the bar and starts shaking up Christopher's martini, saying that Steve won't mind. Christopher tells Lorelai that it's a good idea never to let people know you're on a first-name basis with the bartender. They start reminiscing over being sixteen at a debutante ball. Lorelai tells Christopher she's glad he's here. He's glad as well. The loudspeaker cuts in and announces that all fathers need to report to the staging area. Christopher and Lorelai share a moment before he leaves.
At the staging area, Libby's still getting boozy. CuteDean walks up because he wanted to see what Rory looked like. What's this fuzzy thing Rory has to carry? ["It's a fan, I think." -- Wing Chun] She asks what he thinks. He tells her he thinks she looks like a cotton ball. She smirks at him. "Well, thank you, Jeeves," she says. CuteDean adds that she's a "really cute cotton ball." Libby cuts between them and tells Rory that she's so getting married. CuteDean asks what Libby just said and Rory plays it off by saying hello to her father. I can't believe CuteDean and Rory aren't a little more in love with each other, seeing each other dressed up all fancy. CuteDean in a tux, y'all. I miss that floppy hair. CuteDean leaves with a "good luck." So much for romance. Christopher tells Rory this is her last chance to shimmy down the drainpipe (possible Grease shout-out?). Rory and Christopher make a pact not to let the other one trip. They get into position as we fade to commercial.
I feel like I've been recapping this episode for five days. Wait. I have. I don't know what it is about this episode, but it's hard to recap. I just keep getting tired. All the talking. I normally do these in one sitting. This episode, I just can't. Other things keep distracting me, like checking email or sweeping a floor or doing dishes. I know you care. I'll tell this story again in an hour. Fun!
A woman stands grandly at the middle of the staircase and welcomes everyone to the Daughters of the American Revolution Annual Debutante Ball. Lorelai sees that Emily and Richard are still fighting in the back of the room. She walks over and tells them that the ball has started. Richard says he'll sit down when he's ready to sit down. Emily tells him to lower his voice. Richard says that he paid a lot of money to be there, and that he doesn't have to lower his voice or do anything he doesn't want to do. Emily says that he's being embarrassing, and he's embarrassing Rory. Richard points out that this wasn't Rory's idea, and that this is all about Emily. Emily asks whether Richard doesn't want Rory to be sent out into society. "To hell with society!" Richard shouts. He turns to the table of onlookers and says, "Yes, I'm talking about you!"
Lorelai shoos Richard and Emily into a slightly more private room just inches away, giving the illusion of privacy. She chastises Richard's and Emily's behavior. She says that there are young girls in fancy dresses and fans parading around in a circle for no reason, and that Emily and Richard are ruining it. Richard says that he didn't want to come here. Emily says that they have a social obligation. Richard's tired of hearing about social obligations. Emily explains that people expect certain things from them, for them to be places and do things and that they can't withdraw from all of it. Richard says that he's going through lots of things at work. Emily yells that his entire life can't be about his job. Richard says that he's talked about what's happening at work to her before, but that Emily doesn't listen to a word he says. Richard asks Lorelai whether Emily's ever listened to a word Lorelai's said. Lorelai stammers that people listen in different ways, and that some people listen with their ears and some don't but that some actual listening may have taken place. Emily says that she knows what happened to him, and that he lost an account. Lorelai looks concerned. Richard says that he didn't just lose an account, he was taken off an account he's been working on for a very long time. They're just screaming in this room and it's echoing and I can't believe nobody's shushing them. Richard says he's being phased out. Emily is doubtful, and Richard explains that he invented the concept of being phased out. He says he did the same thing to Alan Parker. Emily says that Alan Parker retired. But he went on to do The Wall and Angel Heart and Evita and Angela's Ashes, and maybe each of his movies is systematically less successful, but he's still working, so there's really no reason to worry about him. Richard explains that he's going to have to take on a younger person and be a mentor and eventually that younger person will be given more and more accounts until Richard's moved into a new, pretty office where he doesn't actually do any work and just serves as a symbolic figurehead. Richard says that then one day he'll be asked to leave. Emily says, "Well, so what?" She says that there are other options. Richard says that he doesn't want other options. He wants to get up, put on a suit, and go to work like he's done every day of his life. Rory pokes in here and announces that she's . I guess you can hear them shouting out there.
Libby walks down the stairs without tripping. Rory is announced. Lorelai stands beside Emily and watches Rory walk down the stairs with Christopher and meet CuteDean at the bottom. She curtseys and walks away with Christopher as "Thank Heaven For Little Girls" plays. Lorelai proudly watches as Emily says, "That should have been you up there. Nothing's turning out the way it's supposed to." Ouch. ["It's too bad, because in the promo, when they cut after the first line, I thought Emily might have meant that it should have been Lorelai up there presenting Rory instead of Christopher, since Lorelai had more to do with Rory's being presentable. That would have been nicer." -- Wing Chun] Emily walks away, and Lorelai stands there with her mouth open as the fan dance circles behind her. What's up with that dance? Seriously.
Walking home from somewhere in Stars Hollow on the way to Luke's, Rory informs Christopher that he was considered a "hot dad." She says the girls told her that if Christopher wasn't her real dad, she could steal him away from her mother. Lorelai says she was proud of Rory, Christopher, and CuteDean for making it through almost the entire night with a straight face. Christopher apologizes and says that the fan dance was more than he could take. CuteDean says that he wants to go home and take off the tux instead of hanging out with them more. Whatever. He touches Rory's arm goodbye and leaves. Christopher says that he has to leave for Boston early in the morning, so he's going to go home and sleep. Rory asks whether he has time for fries. Christopher says he'll get up early and have breakfast with her. Why would she want to get up early? On a Sunday, even. Christopher hugs her goodbye. Lorelai tells Rory to go ahead and order, and she'll catch up. Rory walks away.
Lorelai tells Christopher that she thought he was amazing tonight, and that she was so glad he came through for Rory. She says she's giving him big credit now. She says that she looked Boston up on a map and found out that it wasn't too far away and that I-84 is a good road. She says that if Christopher wanted to drop by occasionally, it wouldn't be too difficult. Christopher reminds her that he'll be driving a Volvo. Lorelai says that she's starting to come around to that economical, sturdy, efficient driving machine. She leans in and flirts, saying the car is like a Catholic schoolgirl. He says he likes that image. She kisses him. She says that the I-84 can get jammed on the weekends, so if he wanted to stay longer to avoid traffic, it'd be okay. He says it's a tempting offer, but that he has to get back to work. "And...to someone." Lorelai's face falls, and Christopher says he knows he should have told her about it. Lorelai says she understands. I don't. His girlfriend let him drive to Stars Hollow to sleep at his ex-girlfriend's house where his daughter lives? Lorelai says she understands and thinks it's great. She asks if it's Linda from Marketing. Christopher says her name is Sherri. "Sherri from Marketing?" Lorelai asks. "Sherri from Boston," Christopher answers. Hence the move. Lorelai asks whether it's serious. Christopher tells her that they're living together. Lorelai is stunned at how much he's changed. Christopher says that Sherri made it pretty clear that she would leave if he didn't shape up. He adds that he'll see Lorelai back home. He walks off, and Lorelai's heart breaks. He's trouble, Lorelai! One day of responsibility doesn't mean he'll make all of your dreams come true! Get him to start paying for Chilton! The troubadour plays as Lorelai walks over to Luke's.
It's dark inside Luke's, for some reason. Lorelai finds Rory eating a cheeseburger and yells that she hasn't learned anything tonight. Rory lifts up one pinkie from her cheeseburger. "There you go," Lorelai smiles. Rory says that being a lady is hard. She adds that the fan dance was humiliating, and that she's never going to curtsey again, but that it was nice having Christopher around. She tells Lorelai that Christopher has a new girlfriend. Lorelai says that she knows and that it's unfortunate that Sherri was named after a Journey song. It's a Steve Perry song, and that's a big difference, but we'll move on. Rory says that Christopher seems happy. Lorelai agrees that he does, and they both agree that they're happy for him. Rory says that she feels bad for Emily, since she was so into this evening and she spent the whole time arguing with Richard. Lorelai says that Emily will have more fun at the one, and that they've signed Rory up for the six balls. Rory says that's not funny. Luke brings over Lorelai's cheeseburger and comments that she's back from the ball. Why doesn't anyone tell Lorelai how pretty she looks? Lorelai says that she left behind a glass slipper, along with a business card in case the prince is really dumb. Lorelai turns her head and sees someone cleaning the counter wearing a flannel and a backwards baseball cap. It's Jess. He just now came down changed after this whole week's gone by? Slacker. Jess tells Luke he thought this was the uniform. Heh. Luke tells him he can have his little joke and that it doesn't bother him. He's going to just ignore him. Jess starts to clean, and Luke tells him to go up and change. "Whatever you say, Uncle Luke," Jess says, and Luke tells Jess he's not allowed to address Luke at all. Lorelai tells Rory that she's really lucky she has someone she can talk to when things suck, and that it must be lonely to be like Emily who doesn't have anyone like that.
Emily is gardening. Lorelai walks in and says that she had some time before her business class and thought she'd hang. She then has to explain the concept of "hang" to Emily. Emily asks whether Lorelai needs something. Lorelai says that she just wants to sit there and hang, in case Emily wants to talk. Emily keeps gardening. Lorelai says that Emily can talk to her about anything. Emily keeps gardening and Lorelai keeps sitting there watching her garden as we fade to the end of the episode. Are they ever going to bring up the fact that Emily said something incredibly mean at the ball? Don't you imagine that Richard's going to retire and then help fund Lorelai's new inn with Sookie and then Emily will hold all of her fancy-lady parties there? Don't you imagine Michel and Emily will go on to become best friends?
week it's like the same episode, but with Lorelai instead of Rory. Mother-daughter fashion show! Some girl gets a crush on Luke and Lorelai's crazy jealous. And I'm spent.