The Road Trip to Harvard

They say that brevity is the soul of wit. I don't know what that says about this episode. (I don't know what that says about my recaps, either.) Dear Daniel Palladino: Step away from the Gilmore Girls. Just back away slowly with your hands up. Do not attempt to doctor your script. Do not attempt to change a storyline. Please just walk away so nobody else gets hurt. You are ruining our favorite show. Please. Stop. You aren't funny. You aren't charming. You're making Lorelai into a giant bitchy brat, and I can't take it anymore. Leave your wife's show alone. Love, Pamie.

Previously on Gilmore Girls: Lorelai was getting married. Luke was nonchalant. Rory was excited. Luke was grumpy. Lane got shipped to Korea. We saw Max for a second, complaining that he didn't have any keys and concluding that Lorelai didn't love him. Lane was really getting shipped to Korea. Max asked Lorelai to think about what a marriage is. Lorelai decided to shirk all responsibilities by kidnapping her daughter for a road trip instead of calling off her wedding properly.

In the Jeep, in the morning hours, Lorelai is complaining that they didn't bring any music with them. I'm sure Lorelai would have had an emergency mix tape stashed in the glove compartment. Rory has a conversation with herself, wondering where they are and where they're going as Lorelai complains about not having any music. She complains that she needs her AC/DC and that the radio is only playing Top 40 and Christian Rock: "Christian Rock -- there's an oxymoron for you." Three bands on today's Top 40 charts would like to have a word with you, Lorelai. Rory tells Lorelai to stop complaining about the music. Lorelai tells Rory to stop complaining about their whereabouts. Rory must have gone to the dentist right before this scene, because she's baby-talking through the whole thing. All vowels are held longer than necessary, and she's mush-mouthing around most of her lines. I don't know why she's doing that, but it's not making her any cuter. Lorelai turns on the radio and bitches about the country music. Rory turns off the radio and asks to figure out where they're going. Lorelai says that the point of this trip is to drive around aimlessly, be spontaneous, and end up somewhere they never expected to be. Rory: "Sounds risky." Lorelai: "Sounds exciting." Pamie: "Sounds like your engagement." Rory points out that serendipity has never been kind to them before. Lorelai says she spoke on the phone to serendipity last night; serendipity felt bad about the way she'd treated them, and promised to be nicer in the future. Rory perks up, turns around to look behind her, and shouts, "What did that sign say? It says 'Don't' or 'Death' on it." That's probably the best line of the episode, and it's a shame it's so early on. Lorelai tells Rory to relax, and Rory moans that they're doomed. They've packed lots of lawn chairs, for some reason. Rory says that they're lost. Lorelai laughs that they can't be lost if they don't know where they're going. Rory asks Lorelai to stop before they drive into the Atlantic Ocean. Lorelai promises to try. "At least we'll know where we are," Rory says. "Unless it's the Pacific," Lorelai smiles. I'm not exactly sure what that means, either. The DJ announces a three-song set by Hootie and the Blowfish as the girls moan and the trombone Wah Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaahs us right to the opening credits.

Lorelai and Rory are buying sacks of nuts at Hayden's Nuthouse, a roadside nut attraction. Lorelai says that she loves road-trip food, and that there isn't anything better than what they serve at Hayden's Nuthouse. I beg to differ, Lorelai. If you take a road trip to Austin, Texas, just outside of Bastrop you'll see a pecan store. Right there on the sign it boasts: "WE BUY, SELL CRACK." Whee! Road muthafuckin' Trip, my friends. Hayden's Nuthouse looks like a petting zoo. Lorelai says that if she were in a rock band and on tour, she'd make the bus driver stop at every Hayden's Nuthouse. Rory says, "Wow. Your Behind the Music is going to be really long."

Back inside the Jeep, Lorelai decides to call Sookie on her cell phone. Since Sookie has no idea that the wedding's off -- and possibly even Max doesn't know that the wedding is off -- Lorelai has decided to tell Sookie, and to have Sookie tell Miss Patty, so that everyone else can spread the rumor for Lorelai and save her from actually having to do anything. Everyone's got to go and return presents and everything, and Lorelai just sits around with her sack of nuts. As the credits roll, I notice that Amy Sherman-Palladino's name is nowhere to be seen this time. She didn't write it, direct it, produce it, or executive-produce this one. She's been reduced to "Created By." Also, Lorelai can just take off from the inn for a few days? Nice job. Lorelai tells Sookie that she and Rory both still love Max, but that to figure everything out they'd have to dig up Freud and have him work on Lorelai for a few weeks. I can't believe Sookie's not crying or anything. She's not telling Lorelai that she's just got cold feet, or offering to call Max and talk to him. Nothing. Lorelai tells Sookie she hopes she didn't get too far along on the cake. Sookie says she's been so busy she really hasn't even had time to get to the cake. She walks up to a five-layer beauty and starts cutting into it, serving slices to all of the cute men that work in her kitchen with a wave, like, "Might as well. It's not for a wedding anymore." Lorelai says she would have "killed herself" if Sookie had worked really hard on a cake for nothing, but she says it without any real emotion. Because she doesn't really care. Lorelai hangs up. "You were a good cake, Clyde," Sookie says with a grin. "Never should have named you." Ah, Sookie. When will you get your episode?

Lorelai warns Rory, "That had better not be a map." Rory pouts and mumbles, "Sorry, but I am openly defying your no-map policy." Rory says she doesn't want to sleep in the dark in the Jeep in a couple of hours. Lorelai moans that Rory didn't inherit Lorelai's sense of adventure. Rory says that they're headed towards Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Lorelai says that she has a friend (whose name she can't remember) who lives there and opened up a Bed and Breakfast. How convenient! Rory moans about the B&B, and Lorelai says it's supposed to be really cool. "That's like saying an understated Nicolas Cage movie," Rory says. She goes on about Captain Corelli's Mandolin, shouting, "Bella Bambino at two 'o clock!" Lorelai says that the place is supposed to be cool and that each of the rooms is supposed to be decorated in a weird style from a different century. Rory says they should go. She tells Lorelai to call first. Lorelai won't, because that would compromise their sense of adventure.

The sense of adventure leads to The Cheshire Cat, a Bed and Breakfast that's nothing like the cool place Lorelai's friend was supposed to run. I could point out here that Lorelai could probably sleep wherever she wants because she runs an inn in Stars Hollow (having both parents in the hotel industry, I know how people swap rooms all the time), but I won't, because it's pointless. Anyway, Lorelai's friend doesn't own this place anymore, and The Cheshire Cat looks like you've fallen into a potpourri sachet complete with creepy dolls and way too much flowery fabric. We immediately start with the quirky as the B&B owner at the front desk asks Lorelai if she'd like to ring the bell. The Ring the Bell bit goes on for a while as the owner explains that most people get to ring the bell because she's not at the desk when they enter, and the guests get a great thrill out of ringing the bell but Lorelai didn't get to ring the bell because the owner was already at the desk when Lorelai walked in. Lorelai rings the bell. Yes, it's that funny, and Daniel decided that the final joke of this bit should be "Well done." Here's where the owner explains that Lorelai's friend no longer works here, and that she runs things differently than he did. She goes on a long explanation of why B&Bs should be traditional and not eclectic, but it's boring and long-winded and I like you people more than Daniel Palladino does. Her name is LaDonn, by the way. LaDonn hands Lorelai the keys to room #3 and welcomes her, even though Lorelai did nothing to check in, including give a name, number, credit card, information, or cash. Lorelai says she needs to consult with Rory for a second. They turn around, which immediately creates a sound barrier that LaDonn can't hear because everyone knows that turning around makes the third person in the room unable to hear anything but her own busywork at her desk. Lorelai tells Rory that they need to leave immediately. She says she'd rather sleep in a hollowed-out tree or a riverbank. Rory says she's starving. Lorelai says that a place named after "A Alice in Wonderland character [sic]" is her worst nightmare. Rory says that dying of exposure in a Jeep is hers. Lorelai gives in for the first time in her life, and LaDonn walks them up to room #3, but not before she asks Rory whether she would also like to ring the bell, so that the joke can be repeated with just as much humor missing. As LaDonn walks up the stairs carrying all of Rory and Lorelai's bags (the comedy!), she points out Sammy the cat on the stairs. Sammy looks just like my cat Lillith, who died a couple of years ago. The girls are commenting on how large Sammy is and that it might be the cat that ate Sammy. Those ladies don't know from cats that ate Sammy. My cat Cal is the size of their duffel bag. Rory and Lorelai walk up the stairs, but the camera stays with Sammy so we know that Sammy is a cat, and that he's a cat who sits on those stairs right there. It'll come in handy later, the camera reminds us.