Previously on Gilmore Girls: Lorelai's getting married. She told Luke and he teased her. Lorelai freaks out because she doesn't know what she wants. She says yes anyway, for no reason at all. Emily isn't too enthused, since Lorelai didn't tell her right away. Lorelai wants to spend her wedding shower evening with Luke instead of Max, even though she doesn't exactly say that. Can Lorelai marry herself? Because that's the only way she's going to be happy in this kind of bond.
We open at a cake shop. We all know that Sookie's making Lorelai's cake, so Lorelai's just being evil here. Lorelai and Rory are eating sample cakes and dancing with joy. Rory asks Lorelai if she'd save the cake or her daughter if her house was burning down. Lorelai says the question is unfair, since the cake doesn't have legs. Fran the cake lady walks over to check on the girls. They love the cake. Fran says that the cake should be good, since "we've" been doing it for a hundred and twelve years. Lorelai rudely says that Fran doesn't look a day over one hundred and six. Fran is unamused, and explains that she was referring to her family. Luckily, Rory chimes in here, beaming about the raspberries on the cake and pulling the focus away from Lorelai's giant mouth. Lorelai tells Fran that the wedding is in two weeks (so summer's over now), and that she hasn't decided which cake she wants. Fran tells Lorelai to try them all again, and Lorelai pretends that she doesn't want to sit and eat cake all day long. Fran tells Lorelai that cake is the glue of the wedding, so this is a very crucial decision. Rory eats cake, but the reverse shot doesn't show that the cake has been touched. Fran leaves, and Rory asks Lorelai what it was like to see Max last night. She asks for all of the gory details to be left out. So, are we to assume that Lorelai and Max didn't see each other for two months after they've been engaged for three weeks after they've been dating for two? Wouldn't all of Stars Hollow be whispering that Lorelai's wedding won't last a day? And I've been thinking about how last week Sookie told Lorelai that she worked so hard in life and that she really deserves this. Deserves what? To be married? Because she was so good at being single that now she deserves to be married? Because nobody says anything about love in this relationship. Just that Max is a "great guy," something that we've all yet to see but just have to trust Lorelai about. Why am I so upset about this? Lorelai says, "He's really great. I'm glad he's back." Such love, right there. Rory asks if Max is okay with the "smallish wedding," and Lorelai says that he is. I fucking hope so, since he has had nothing to do with the planning. Hey, if an engagement is called off, do you have to return the presents? Because that's some scam Lorelai can run there if she gets on it. Max isn't even there trying out the cakes? Does he care about the wedding at all? Does Max have friends? Has Lorelai met them yet? Why hasn't she met his parents? Why haven't the Gilmores met the Medinas? There were so many episodes to go before this hasty wedding subplot that would have had me more invested in Lorelai's wedding, but now it just makes me want her to call it off so we can move on to more believable plot lines. Lorelai says that she and Max have been "completely in sync" without the "slightly gay boy band affiliation." Rory shows Lorelai some sample wedding invitations she made on her computer. Two weeks before the wedding and nobody's invited yet? Stars Hollow is so small she probably doesn't need to send any out, anyway. And I bet Emily would have forced herself to get more involved with the planning. It's her only child's only wedding. I don't care how upset she initially was about the announcement, she'd be pushing her opinions and cash into this thing so fast. I'm done with this, by the way. I'm not going to re-write the entire year, and how this all could have been done without Max, since they're just canceling this wedding for Scott Cohen's Showtime show, and how he could have just Clooneyed himself into a couple of episodes this season while Lorelai spent a few months trying to decide if she was the wife-y type and then this episode could have come much later, when maybe one of us could have identified with her because the writers took us on some kind of story line or journey. But I'm done. Right...now. Lorelai doesn't like the first quote on the invitations, written by "Sinclair 'Sappy' Lewis." Lorelai doesn't like the second quote from Lord Byron. She pretty much turns up her nose at all poetry. Lorelai goes with Mussolini: "We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty." Rory asks Lorelai if it's right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making the cake for free. Lorelai says that the definition of the word "right" is very loose, anyway. She says if eating cake is wrong, she doesn't want to be right. Fran calls from off-camera that she's bringing out a mocha crunch cream cake. Rory says that ethics are highly subjective and completely overrated. My cat curls into my lap as we announce our engagement. Please send presents.
Credits. I've called off my engagement with my cat. Yeah, it's been three months of craziness that I don't have time to go into, but trust me, I sure learned a lot and grew. Thanks for the presents!
Lorelai's house. Kirk hands Max a photograph of Ned Beatty, explaining that these are selections from his portfolio. Lorelai tells Kirk she didn't know he was into photography. Kirk deadpans, "It's my passion." Kirk says that this would be his first wedding gig, and in fact his first photography gig, but he knows he has the eye for this kind of thing. Kirk says his Nikon is top-of-the-line. Max starts speaking camera gibberish about his Nikon, asking what kind Kirk has, and Kirk basically says his camera is the kind that takes pictures with a flash and says "Nikon" over the lens. Lorelai compliments Kirk's amateur shots. She flips through a few and then shouts when she sees a picture of Kirk naked. Kirk says he's wearing a flesh-colored Speedo. Max recognizes one of the photos as VJ Day in 1945. Kirk says that the photo in question is just an example of the excellence he aspires to. Kirk asks for $150 an hour. Lorelai offers lunch and the cost of the film. It's a deal. Kirk leaves. Max asks what time it is. Lorelai moans that it's something with a ten in it. It's ten to three, and Max has to go. Lorelai complains that Max is always going, and Max says that fortunately that will all change soon. He's moving in after the wedding. I hope he hasn't already given his thirty-day notice on his apartment. And wouldn't a private-school English teacher probably own a house in Hartford? ["Not necessarily. Private schools don't always pay their faculty much." -- Wing Chun] Max corrects Lorelai's grammar. She kisses him and says he makes her smarter. She asks him to take her up to the bedroom and see if he can get her into Mensa. Max says he has to go. It's going to take him forever go get back into the city, and he has to get up early to let the painters in. Lorelai asks whether his place is going to be all smelly with paint fumes all weekend. Max says it will. Lorelai says that he should probably just stay at her place instead of driving back and forth all weekend. Wait, what day is it? Is it Friday? Is it still summer? Does he have work? Do they have dinner with Emily tonight? Fuck the timeline. It's Gilmore Girls. Continuity be damned! Lorelai says he should stay over, as a trial run, since it's going to be his place soon, too. Lorelai says it'll be fun. Max asks whether she's ready for him. "I'm always ready for you," Lorelai sighs. "Full-time?" Max asks. No. I mean, "I insist," Lorelai says. As they kiss, Max says that Kirk wasn't wearing a Speedo in that picture. They flirt and banter and kiss. Max leaves. Lorelai smiles.
CuteDean and Rory walk through Stars Hollow discussing their plans for the evening. They've already seen all of the movies, and most of them insulted their intelligence. Rory comments that so many of the films had people doing disgusting things with cows. They wonder why they couldn't vary the animal cruelty in the summer offerings. Rory says they could watch Holy Grail on tape again. CuteDean says that would be good, but that he won't speak in an English accent all night long. Rory says he's no fun. Okay, CuteDean's back in baggy shirts and cargo pants, which is a step in the right direction, and it looks like they're trying to make his hair semi-floppy. Rory: "Hey, tomorrow night?" CuteDean: "Life of Brian?" Rory says that Max is staying over for the first time, and to celebrate they all have to go on a double date. The four of them. So, is tonight Friday? Why are Rory and CuteDean making plans when it's time to get to Emily's? CuteDean says that tomorrow is their anniversary. Rory says their anniversary is on the 24th. CuteDean says that's their old anniversary, but then they broke up and got back together on the 6th, so their new anniversary is the 6th. Haven't two months passed? They're just now celebrating their anniversary, or at least discussing it? Forget it. CuteDean moans about having to go on a double date with adults, and Rory reminds him that they're not adults -- it's Lorelai and Max. Anyway, they decide to have two anniversaries, because that's the candiest thing to do. Twice a month they'll celebrate their anniversary.
Max cuts food in Lorelai's kitchen; Lorelai asks whether she can help. They discuss the two times she's helped before, and how both times she ended up slicing Max. Where are those scenes? I want to see those scenes! Rory enters the kitchen and asks what that weird smell is. Lorelai explains that it's food, and Max asks Rory whether she really thinks it smells weird. Rory explains that it's just a weird smell to have in their kitchen. She says it smells great. Max asks Rory to open the broiler door, and both Rory and Lorelai marvel over the tiny oven under their oven. Lorelai shouts that it's on fire, but Max explains that's the oven flame. "Wow!" Rory says. Max asks the girls what fallout shelter they've been living in all these years. Rory: "He has much knowledge." Lorelai: "We shall form a cult around him." Rory: "Build a statue many storeys high." Lorelai: "We shall grow our hair long and stop bathing." Max asks them to not do any of those things and doesn't do the right thing, which is taking off his shirt, beating his chest shouting, "Worship me, oh dark maidens! I bring you fire! I bring you food and the harvest! I celebrate the moon and all of its shapes! Bring me the head of Babette and fill it with sugary goodness!" He's such a puss. Wait. On second thought, keep that shirt on, Maxy. Don't want to accidentally serve your nipple with some cheese and onion dip. Rory asks whether they're going to have to eat at the table. Max says they can eat wherever she wants. Lorelai says "TV," and Rory runs to get a videotape to watch. Lorelai offers to bring out the plates, and Max asks her to keep all breakables away from him. She shakes the plates toward him and leaves the kitchen.
The videotape is Billy Jack. The dinner is frustrating. Lorelai and Rory MST3K through the entire thing, shushing Max whenever he tries to talk. I once watched the movie Jaws with a friend who claims it's his favorite movie. He said every line in the damn film, 1.3 seconds off from the sound. It was like the room had a bad-acting echo. Lorelai and Rory have barely touched their food, and I think it's because I see a variety of vegetables on their plates. Rory and Lorelai banter until Max interrupts to ask how many times they've seen the movie. Lorelai says they're out of digits. Max asks a question about the movie, and they shush him. Lorelai and Rory go right back to interjecting their jokes into the dialogue. Max points out that they're talking through the whole movie, and that whenever he says something, they shush him. Lorelai doesn't even look toward him as she explains that he's talking during the parts they talked through last time, so they haven't seen those parts in a long time. Lorelai and Rory are on the floor in front of Max, who is on the couch. The phone rings. Rory looks at Lorelai. "Max," Lorelai says. She doesn't even turn around or move. "Whoever's closest answers," she explains. Max. RUN. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. We've traced the call, it's coming from inside the house. It's your manhood, shattered and destroyed over two selfish girls who find you amusing to taunt and not one of the gang. You've got to get out immediately or you will find yourself the butt of every joke for the rest of your life and the house whipping boy. You'll be cooking, answering phones, shushed, and blamed. Your job will be to appease and soothe the girls, laughing at all of their jokes and staying out of their way at all times. They don't need you. You are merely a distraction and an audience for their party of two. Max asks how he's the closest to the phone. Rory says her foot is asleep. Lorelai says that she'd have to walk around the coffee table to answer the phone, so her path would actually be longer than his to answer the phone. The phone keeps ringing. Rory and Lorelai point out that Max has longer legs, so even if they all left for the phone at the same time, he'd reach it first. Max is as tired as I am of these two women at this point, and he goes to answer the phone. It's their first night with the new man staying over and they've done nothing to try and welcome him. As Max leaves to answer the phone, Lorelai smiles to Rory and says, "I'm gonna like having him around." He's cheaper than one of Emily's servants, isn't he?
A little later during brownies, Rory and Lorelai finally decide to turn around and address Max. Turns out he's asleep on the couch. "We wore him out," Lorelai says. Probably because he had to do the dishes while he made them brownies and laugh while the girls put on a play about dental hygiene. Max says he's not asleep, he's just waiting to see the end of the movie. Rory tells Lorelai to get Max up to bed. "Come on, honey," Lorelai says, as she pulls on Max's arm. "Honey"? Ew. Everyone says goodnight. You know, if Max is going to keep wearing polo shirts, he does bring some amount of teasing on himself. Lorelai turns back around and whispers to Rory, "Is this weird?" Rory doesn't answer, but kind of lifts her right shoulder while she smiles. Lorelai goes upstairs.
Fully clothed, Max and Lorelai are to each other in bed. These two haven't seen each other in months, and there's no sex at all? Clearly this wedding is over. Max is asleep and Lorelai's wide awake, staring at the ceiling.
Lorelai's in Rory's room, waking her up. Lorelai asks Rory what she's doing. "Taking back Poland," Rory smiles as she rolls up from her pillow. Lorelai tells Rory that she has a boy in her room. Rory says that it's Max, and that Lorelai likes Max. Lorelai says it's weird and that she's never had a man in her room like this. Rory tells Lorelai she just has to adjust, like the time she got the green stripes in her hair. Lorelai points out that she hated the green stripes in her hair. Rory says she's too tired to come up with good analogies. Lorelai tells Rory to wake up, and gets in bed beside her. Rory sits up. Lorelai wants to talk about how Rory feels having Max in the house. Rory says she's fine because she likes Max. Lorelai says that once she's married, nothing will ever be the same again. Rory says that she knows. Lorelai says they can't be just the two of them in their special secret clubhouse with no boys allowed. I don't see why, since they did it tonight with him trapped on the couch behind them. Lorelai says their lives will be over. Rory says they aren't dying. Lorelai agrees that they aren't dying, but insists that their lives as they know them are going to morph into a mutation that neither of them can conceive. Rory asks whether Lorelai's talking about giant ants. Lorelai says that, metaphorically, she is speaking about giant ants. Rory's not worried about getting attacked by giant ants, since Max is there. Lorelai and Rory both lie back in the bed. Lorelai tells Rory she can't walk around naked anymore. Rory says she doesn't remember ever doing that. Lorelai says that Rory did walk around naked. Rory asks whether she was three. Lorelai says that perhaps Rory was. Rory asks whether Max hogs the bed. Lorelai says that he's a very "stay-on-his- side-of-the-bed kind of guy." Poor Max. She says that he's cute and he wears pajama bottoms. Rory orders Lorelai to stop talking. Lorelai says that the bottoms aren't funny, which she hates. She hates funny bottoms. Rory asks Lorelai whether she's happy. Lorelai says she is. Rory concludes that Lorelai will be fine and that she'll get used to having Max around. Rory tells Lorelai that she's falling asleep and needs to be a big girl and go back to her room. Lorelai asks for ten more minutes, gets it, and then sleeps in her daughter's room all night long instead of with her fiancé. How is this not a problem in the morning? Max! Run!
Morning. Luke's. Cardigan Man's there, beaming about coffee and pancakes. Luke asks him what's going on. Cardigan Man (and I'm so glad he's back, by the way, and not just because he shares a name with the cat from whom I recently broke off my engagement) says that he's just happy, and that he doesn't know of anything special that's happening today. Luke's suspicious. Lorelai and Rory walk in and ask for a bigger table than usual, since they are three today. Luke asks when Max became invisible to the human eye. Lorelai says he's getting his papers. Max gets three papers every morning. The Hartford paper, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times. The better to ignore them with, my dear. Luke points out that the same news in three different papers wastes a lot of trees. I'm wondering why Max doesn't use the ol' internet for at least one of them and borrow a paper at Luke's for another. You know that diner's got three copies of the Hartford paper floating around every day. Lorelai tells Luke to be nice. Max walks in, and Luke covers him in nice, telling him that he looks great and that brown is his color and that Luke's so happy to see him. Max sits and says that he only got two out of three, and that nobody had The Wall Street Journal. Rory says that Stars Hollow isn't a very financially oriented town. Lorelai barks that the town is more oriented to coffee, and holds her mug toward Luke. My mother would smack me for being as rude as Lorelai is five times a day. For real, that girl is bossy and selfish. I'm just sayin'. Luke fills coffee bowls and says that they've got blueberry pancakes this morning. "Bring 'em," Lorelai says. "Bring 'em twice," Rory smiles. Luke asks what Max wants, and Max asks for a few minutes. This kicks off an elaborate song and dance that makes me never want to go to Stars Hollow ever. Check it: apparently if you don't order the second your ass hits seat, you might not be able to eat the food you want. See, Luke only makes so many pancakes, and won't make any more, and didn't make enough for everybody because that's good business, so if it takes a minute more for you to order your pancakes, there may not be any left. And you can't all order out of turn for some reason, so you all have to order at the same time. Luke tells Lorelai and Rory that basically they can risk it and wait for Max, but they probably won't have any pancakes if they do that. Lorelai tells him they'll wait, and then starts bitching at Max that the menu isn't going to change and that it's basically eggs and other breakfast foods. Max tells Lorelai to order without him, but she won't, because of some reason we don't get to know. It can't be that she's being nice, because that goes against all of her food ethics in terms of ordering, having a seat, behaving in public, etc. Max says that his rhythm might be different from the girls', and that he doesn't want to cramp their style. Luke hands Max a lunch menu. Assholes, all of them. He says that lunch starts in an hour. Max decides to have poached eggs, so then Rory and Lorelai scream that they want pancakes. Luke tells them that he did, in fact, set some pancakes aside for them, even though he made a big deal about how he wasn't going to do that. Whatever.
Luke walks to another table and looks out the window. He sees a construction crew. Luke asks what's going on, and Cardigan Man kicks it into high gear. They're going to put up a stoplight at the corner outside of Luke's diner. Luke is hella pissed off. They're putting up a metered traffic light and crosswalk. Cardigan Man and Luke argue over the construction crew. Luke says that a business has the right to know about any construction that might occur outside of said business, and Cardigan Man says that this is an emergency to stop potential accidents that might have happened on this corner. Apparently this corner hasn't had any accidents, but that doesn't mean some might not happen. Why would Cardigan Man want a stoplight, anyway? He tells Luke that you can't stop progress. Isn't that street outside a circle? Lorelai tries to soothe Luke, telling him he can take the light out later with his bare hands or teeth. Lorelai asks whether Luke got his wedding invitation for the wedding where she'll wed Max. I don't know how he could have, since as of yesterday she hadn't mailed them out. Luke says that the invite is in a pile of things. She asks whether he's coming to the wedding. Luke says he needs to make some phone calls about the traffic light, and excuses himself.
The double date is over, and Max is moaning that he can barely walk because he ate a cow. CuteDean says that Max just had a good-sized steak. Max keeps moaning about the giant baked potatoes they had. Rory and Lorelai squeal and run for ice cream. Max whines that he doesn't understand how they can still be hungry after they ate all that dinner. CuteDean says he's surprised that Max doesn't know all about Rory's and Lorelai's eating habits yet. They casually sit on a bench as Max says he knows all about their eating habits, and tries to act like he knows anything about these two women he's about to call "my wife and kid." CuteDean says that the eating habits are just the start of things. Life with these two women is incredibly difficult. There are rules. Don't ever use the last of the parmesan cheese. CuteDean isn't used to so many lines, I guess, because right here he starts panting, which I guess means he's laughing or something, but it sounds like he can't breathe. He says that you should never get into a discussion with one of them late at night, when they're cranky. "Go with their bits," he says. Max asks what that means. "If you're eating pizza with them and Lorelai decides that the pepperoni is angry at the mushrooms because the mushrooms have an attitude and then she holds up a pepperoni and the pepperoni asks for your opinion...don't just laugh. Answer the pepperoni." "Answer the pepperoni," Max repeats. It's like CuteDean is explaining life with Nell. CuteDean tells Max not to let the girls around puppies, because they'll take them home. Max acts like he already knew that rule. CuteDean makes that noise like a nozzle of whipped cream again, and then announces the big rule: "If you ever think that they're doing something crazy, they're not. You see, after a while, their thinking becomes clear, but by the time it's clear, they've already done two other totally crazy things that you can't figure out. So there's no catching up." "You have much knowledge," Max says. "You got that from Rory," CuteDean answers. He asks Max whether Lorelai knows what kind of ice cream he likes. Max says she does, and that it's chocolate chip, but that he already told her he didn't.... "Chocolate chip," Lorelai interrupts with a double scoop. CuteDean gives the "I told you so" face. These people will not marry, and it was dumb to try and make us think they would. All four walk off with ice cream.
Lorelai walks up the stairs to her house, complaining that she's full. "Why'd you let me eat so much?" she whirls around to spit at Max. CuteDean's right behind him, explaining that they'll blame everything on him. Max shakes his head and starts to go inside. He turns around and sees Rory standing with CuteDean. He tries to get all parental. He tells the kids that it's after eleven, and they're all, "Thanks, non-Dad." Max goes inside, where he doesn't belong.
Max finds Lorelai in bed. She's got her head facing the wrong way, and she's moaning over her stomach. Max says that she's a lovely shade of puce, and she tells him not to use any word that sounds like "puke." Max says that the kids are still outside. He asks how long they're allowed to be out there. Lorelai says that as soon as they stop saying, "No, you're prettier" to each other, then the evening is over. Max says he's going to be living there soon, so he should know what the procedure is when things like this come up. What should he do if Rory and CuteDean are in the dark after eleven? Lorelai says that Rory is very low-maintenance, like the robot kid in A.I., but less clingy and mommy-oriented. Lorelai bitches that she would have pushed that robot kid out the car door if he was hers. Lorelai has developed a nasty side I don't like, by the way. Max asks what he should do if he catches Rory and CuteDean making out on the couch one night. Lorelai says that Rory is allowed to do some kissing, since she's a teenager. And when did Max decide he was going to be a father? Did they ask him to do that? Has he ever been father-like to Rory? Has she asked him for advice? The only discipline he's ever given her is a bad grade and extra homework. Max asks what he should do if Rory gets drunk. Lorelai says that Rory is already grown-up and done and doesn't need any more parenting. She'll handle any problems that come up. Max asks whether he has any role in Rory's life. Lorelai says he doesn't need a role. Max gets pissed because there's nothing for him to do there. Lorelai says that when he made the garlic bread the other night, it was really helpful. Max says that there's nothing for him to do beyond making garlic bread and answering phones. I tried to tell you, Max. Run. Lorelai says that he's her "fella," her "guy," her "old man," and that entails "all things dirty." Max isn't joking, and reminds Lorelai that they're getting married. He says that they are melding two lives into one. Lorelai admits that she hasn't really thought about that, and Max gets upset. She says she will start thinking now. Max asks how she'd feel if he told her he didn't think about their future at all. Lorelai apologizes a few times and says that all of those annoying little quirks make her the fascinating woman he fell in love with. Oh, bullshit. They kiss, and he forgives her, because there's nothing else he can do, because he's unimportant and on thin ice as it is. Max says he broke CuteDean's late-night cranky rule. Lorelai asks what he's talking about. "Nothing," Max says as he leaves the room. CuteDean is qualified to be a part of that family. He has a role. He's loved. He has a personality. That's what Max is missing. A fucking personality. He's just this stuffed animal that sits there and gets held when Lorelai needs cuddling. He can be replaced by a vibrator, a bottle of wine, and a mirror.
We're at the grand opening of the new traffic light. There's a gathering. Rudy and Rudy II are talking as loudly as they want to in the middle of the gathering. Sookie tells Lorelai that they have to eat at the bachelorette party, and Lorelai says that they should be partying, not eating. Cardigan Man tells them that their conversation is very fascinating. Lorelai apologizes. Luke is pissed. Lorelai keeps talking until Cardigan Man just ignores her, which is what I'm doing now, too. Cardigan Man says that many of the townspeople have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk, and now their dreams have come true. Luke says they don't want a crosswalk, and that they weren't asked their opinions. Lorelai tells Luke to shut up so they can plan their party. Luke tells Lorelai they'll all hurl if they don't eat first. Cardigan Man unveils the new crosswalk button. It's one of those big yellow ones. Miss Patty says it's the biggest yellow button she's ever seen in her life. It's also got a giant sign over it with incredible detail on the process of pressing the button, waiting for the crosswalk sign to read "walk," and then the process of walking across. Miss Patty reads the sign for us. Luke is insulted at the language used on the sign. "In big stupid letters, too!" Sally Struthers shouts. Morey says that he hates being infantalized. Cardigan Man says that there were several near-accidents there over the past few years. Luke and Cardigan Man argue over whether you can stop something from happening if you do nothing and if nothing in fact happens when you do something, until Luke gets talked into a corner. Lorelai lists off her party guests: "You, me, Rory, Miss Patty, Babette...." She asks if Babette's coming. Sally Struthers warbles that she can't make it because she's got plans with Morey's parents, and if you miss plans with them, they rip you a new one. She tells Lorelai to stick her hand down some guy's pants for her. Lorelai says she hopes Babette means a stripper. "Whatever," Babette waves. This scene is neverending, by the way. Cardigan Man says that the length of the crosswalk has been timed to the gait of the oldest living member of Stars Hollow, Mrs. Lanahan. They yank this poor woman up from her chair and force her to walk across the crosswalk to celebrate the first crossing of the new crosswalk that seems to only be in one direction, and not on every side of this four-way stop. Kirk takes pictures (with the lens cap on, of course) and the little old lady from Stars Hollow hobbles across the street. Lorelai complains that she's not wearing a veil to the party. Sookie says that the bride always wears a veil to this kind of party. Lorelai says she wants this to be casual and that she's not even wearing a veil at the wedding. How does Sookie not know this? Has Lorelai even picked out a dress? Luke says that Lorelai should elope and get it over with. "No one asked you," Sookie points out. Lorelai admits they thought about eloping. Sookie says that a wedding isn't something to get "over with." Luke says that it's a pointless ceremony that's not biologically natural. He says only ducks mate for life, and who cares about ducks? People grow and evolve their whole lives, and the chances of two people growing and evolving together are too slim to take. "Okay, I'm tired of you now," Sookie says, and pulls Lorelai away from "Crochety Guy." Lorelai pouts at Luke as they walk off. Pan up to the little old lady still making her way across the street. How hellish to be stuck at that light all afternoon when nobody's crossing it, huh?
Black people walk in front of the camera so we know that everyone's now in "The City." Sookie, Lorelai, Miss Patty, Rory, and Michel are waiting in line at the club. Rory says she hopes they'll let her in. I don't really understand what Rory's doing there, for real, if there are going to be strippers and such. Michel says that corrupting a minor is a felony. Sookie tells Rory to look older by thinking about retirements and 401Ks. I think that Rory could start with a different dress, some makeup, and perhaps a hairdo. When we had to sneak our underage friend into a bachelorette party, we made her the bride-to-be, since nobody fucks with the bride. And Rory's only sixteen. She totally doesn't belong there at all. Where's Lane? Get her in there, too. MamaLane would love it. Lorelai asks who invited Michel. Sookie says that he heard them planning and wanted to come. He says he didn't know the evening included babysitting. Lorelai's cellphone rings. It's Max. He's at the hospital. His brother tried to jump a parking meter because he was drunk and misjudged the height of the meter. There's a middle child/ "Poor Jan" joke here that I'll skip. Max is all laughing until his brother walks up and says that he's only got a mild concussion and that he's ready to start drinking. Are there only two people at his bachelor party? And why doesn't Lorelai know that Max has siblings? Max says they're taking his brother home. Lorelai tells Max to take him home quickly and then go to a strip club because this is the last time he's allowed to go and look at "breastage." That is, until one of his brothers or one of his friends get married. Or if there's a half-day at school. Or if Lorelai's out of town. Or if it's Tuesday. Come on -- a guy as unassuming and uninteresting as Max? You know he's got a porn fetish. There's got to be one interesting thing about him. He must be dirty, because he doesn't show any signs of life to the public. Max says he'll call her tomorrow, and hangs up. So, he didn't stay the weekend, and just one night? What night is it now? When's the wedding? Why will he call her tomorrow and not see her? What the hell is happening? When's the bridal shower? Sookie says the new rule is no calling boyfriends or fiancés or anything else. It's Girls Night Out, plus Michel. They walk up to the bouncer. He says that it's eighteen or over. Sookie says that Rory's eighteen. Rory says she just turned eighteen, and it's a new eighteen, but it's still eighteen. Everyone starts saying that Rory is simply "Rory," and a famous international supermodel. Big in Germany, Sookie adds. The bouncer lets this very young child in.
Judy Garland's lip-synching "Come On, Get Happy." It's a drag bar, and Michel is disgusted, for some reason. Michel is so gay, so I don't know why he isn't happy in here. Lorelai says they'll have to stand, since there's no room. Sookie points out an empty table. They walk over and the crowd clears, showing Emily sitting at the empty table. Michel invited her. "Just a little surprise for you. I thought it would be a kick," he tells Lorelai. Lorelai walks over to Emily and says, "Excuse me, sir. You look just like my mother." Best line of the episode. Rory says, "Hey, Gramma. Come here often?" Emily asks how Rory got in. Rory explains that she's an international supermodel. I can't believe Emily isn't furious about Rory being in there. Emily says that, in the future, Lorelai might want to show up on time to her parties. Lorelai says she didn't invite Emily. Emily says she feels much better, then. Lorelai says it's time to drink. Miss Patty asks Emily what she's drinking. It's a Manhattan, and she's loving it. She says she ordered it from the nice man dressed like Joan Crawford. Heh. Mommie Dearest. Get it? Michel asks whether there's any dancing in there. He says on the weekends, he likes to shake it. So, it's the weekend again? I'm so confused. There have been no dinners at Emily's. An entire week passed? Lorelai makes a bad joke and orders more booze. Sookie tells Emily that Lorelai's already a bit tipsy. Mae West asks what she can get for them. "My dignity back," Michel Frenches. Lorelai orders some Rum and Cokes, a Shirley Temple for Rory ("Love her!" shouts Mae West), and a giant Long Island Iced Tea for herself.
Mae West leaves, and Emily asks Lorelai how she's feeling. Lorelai says she's tipsy, but just short of seeing pink elephants. Emily reminds Lorelai that the wedding is a week away. Lorelai says that everything's fine, and that once she got the shoes to match the dress, everything was gravy. Emily says she admires Lorelai's composure. She says that she was a wreck the week before her own wedding. Miss Patty says she was a wreck before each one of her own weddings. Sookie asks how many weddings there were. Three men four times is the answer. Sookie asks Miss Patty whether she regrets any of the weddings. Miss Patty is wearing hubcaps for earrings. She says that one was a letdown the second time. Emily begins this very nice monologue that I'll just transcribe here: "You know, I can't believe it was thirty-four years ago that I married Richard. I remember it so distinctly. My stomach was not my friend. It was full of butterflies. I couldn't eat a bite the whole week." Cut to Lorelai shoving food in her face as Emily continues. "I was actually weak in the knees. Trembling all the time, can you imagine? When I wasn't actually with Richard, I was thinking about him. Constantly. Imagining what he was doing, was he thinking about me?" Sookie listens, smiling. "Making up little scenarios in my head about how we'd run into each other accidentally at the club. And he would be playing golf and I would walk by and he would be so distracted that he'd completely miss the ball. Silly." Sookie says that it's sweet. "I was in love," Emily explains. Michel says that it's wonderful to be in love. Man, that club is awfully quiet for Emily to be able to sit and talk. Spandau Ballet's "True" is playing underneath Emily's story. Lorelai is more concerned, eating and looking down as Emily finishes: "But the thing I remember most was that for the entire week before the wedding, I'd wait until my mother went to sleep, and I'd sneak out of the bed and I'd put on my wedding dress and my tiara and my gloves, and I would stare at myself in the mirror and I'd think how very safe I felt. How very right and wise and honored." Emily takes a breath and says, "This is a very good drink. I highly recommend it." Sookie says she has to make a phone call. Miss Patty asks whether she's calling Jackson. Sookie stammers that she isn't, and then admits that she is as she walks off cooing to Jackson on the phone. Emily catches Rory doing a product placing IM to CuteDean at the table. Lorelai looks down and grabs her purse. "Oh, no. Not you, too," Miss Patty moans. Lorelai stands up and says she'll be quick. She leaves the table.
This club is lame. People are just standing around talking as lights flash around them. It's all very hushed and subdued. It's a drag club, people! Lorelai's walking around talking on her cell phone like she's in my living room. She makes a phone call. A man answers. It's Christopher. She says she's Trixie from the other night. He recognizes her voice and asks why she's calling. She admits that she's at her own bachelorette party. Christopher asks who the lucky guy is. Lorelai says it's Max. Christopher says that Rory mentioned him, but never said it was serious. Lorelai says that it wasn't serious, and that they hooked up and then broke up and then she freaked out so they got back together and then it was suddenly very serious. Lorelai's top matches this hideous sweater I wore for our Christmas theme party called, "Me-Maw's White Trash Xmas." Christopher asks whether Max is worthy. "Is anyone?" Lorelai asks. Christopher mentions Bono and Brian Ferry as possible worthy men, adding, "A young Tom Waits." He asks what Max is like. Lorelai says he's great. "Could you be any more vague?" Christopher asks. Lorelai insists that Max is great. Christopher asks about his CD collection, but Lorelai tells him not to read into the fact that Max has a generic music collection. Christopher asks whether that means a dozen soundtracks, a couple of Beatles, and a Bob Dylan. Lorelai scrunches her face, knowing that he's just described Max's collection. Christopher asks about Alanis Morrisette. Lorelai says that lots of people knee-jerked and bought that first album. I think Wing's right, and that Lorelai's going to end up back with Christopher by the end of the year. I predict a Luke/Christopher fist-fight where Lorelai gets accidentally punched like Shirley did when Carmine fought over her with another man. Christopher asks about Dave Matthews. "A couple of his things are good," Lorelai protests. "Buena Vista Social Club?" Christopher asks. That band sounds to me like I'm waiting in line for a roller coaster at Six Flags. "Enya?" Christopher finishes, and Lorelai says she's coming over there to hit him. Christopher reminds Lorelai that she's at her bachelorette party. He asks why she's calling him. She says that he knows her really well, and that she wanted to tell someone who knows her really well that she's getting married. He congratulates her, saying that if she's found the guy, then he's happy for her. As the saxophone solo of "True" kicks into overdrive, Lorelai asks Christopher whether he can picture her married. He says that, with the right guy, he can imagine her married. She thanks him. He tells her to get back to her party. Lorelai tells Christopher again that Max is a great guy. Christopher says he knows, and that he was just teasing; he asks Lorelai to put Trixie back on. Lorelai says goodbye and hangs up. Christopher smiles into the air, the official signal that a scene is ending on Gilmore Girls.
Back at the party, Lorelai sits down at the table. It is not a-rockin' at this party. Why do all bachelorette parties have to be so lame? Michel's dancing to "Church of the Poisoned Mind," and is quickly joined by other men in drag. Michel dances less enthusiastically.
Sookie asks Lorelai how "[her] guy" is doing. Lorelai acts all caught, and Sookie explains she was asking about Max. Lorelai dances around the answer and sips her drink as we fade to commercial.
You know, I physically cannot watch the low-jean Levi's commercial with the singing belly buttons. I've never seen it. Ever. I have to turn my head. It makes me nauseous. The sound of "I'm Coming Out" makes me queasy.
Sookie's kitchen. Wedding foods. Sookie and Lorelai nurse hangovers with cups of coffee. Lorelai says she knows what an aneurysm feels like before you have it. Sookie says it's like having a baseball the size of a cantaloupe inside your head. Lorelai laughs and tells Sookie she made a good joke, but Sookie wasn't making a joke so Lorelai explains how baseballs are the size of baseballs and not cantaloupes, so Sookie was making a Yogi Berra type of joke and Sookie asks about Yogi Bear. They moan. Michel walks in and announces that he feels like crap on toast. Lorelai asks what happened to him last night when he broke off from the group. Michel says he spent the evening talking to Janet Jackson and Céline Dion, who were "very nice guys." He announces that Max is out in the lobby looking rather perky, and needs to be slapped.
Lorelai walks into the lobby and complains when Max speaks at a normal volume. "Sor-ry," Max sing-songs. I hate him. Lorelai tells Max that he didn't drink enough and isn't hung over enough. Max says he was going to drop off his printer at the house, but that Rory isn't there and he still doesn't have a key to the house. What day is it now? Lorelai apologizes that she still hasn't made him a key. She asks whether he's mad. Max admits that he's a little mad. "They're just keys," Lorelai says. "Try being without them and saying that," Max says. Is that correct grammar? Lorelai says she's lost her keys plenty of times. Max says that he didn't lose these keys, he's just never been given a set. Max says he's trying not to read too much into this, since Lorelai doesn't seem to want him in the house or to have keys. Lorelai says she needs an assistant. Max says that Lorelai needs to think about someone other than herself for a few minutes a day. Word. Lorelai says, "Ouch," and Max says it was too strong. He says he might be a little hung over. He says he'll bring the printer by later. Lorelai tells him to bring it the day. That's really later, isn't it? She says she'll have the keys, and Max leaves.
Gilmore kitchen. Rory says she can't believe school's almost starting. Me neither. Lorelai says she hated school starting so much that she once flipped the pages back in her mom's calendar and tried to convince her it was still June. Rory sits down and says that Christopher called her today. He was concerned about Lorelai calling him from her bachelorette party. Rory asks why Lorelai did it. Lorelai's evasive, and says that Long Island Iced Teas make you do strange things, and that someday Rory will learn about the seduction and fickleness of the Long Island Iced Tea. Rory says she doesn't really want to meet that friend. Lorelai hopes she won't. Rory says they all want Lorelai to be happy. Lorelai asks whether she seems happy. "I guess," Rory says. "Okay, then," Lorelai says. Rory says she'll be in her room if Lorelai needs her.
Lorelai hears a noise and goes out front. Luke is carrying a giant golden gazebo-type thing from his truck to the front lawn. He explains that it's a Chupah. Here you go, from the Jewish Wedding website:
Chupah - (hoo-PAH) The wedding canopy.
It is usually a fabric whose with [sic] four corners attached to four poles and stretched over the couple. Like many couples, we used a tallis. It is a sign of G-d's prescence [sic] and symbolizes the couple's new home.
Luke made it himself for Lorelai's wedding. It's carved with animals. It's really quite elaborate. This would have taken Luke a very long time. Lorelai asks why he did it. Luke says you can't just stand in the hot sun on a lawn that's all messy. He comments that Max doesn't mow the lawn. Lorelai says he's not much of a mower. Luke says he'll mow the lawn. Lorelai says one of the Petes from the nursery mows the lawn. It's Little Pete, the "better of the Petes," according to Lorelai and Luke. Lorelai and Luke sit down as Lorelai asks whether Chupahs aren't Jewish. She asks whether God will smite them for using it. Luke says that God would have to get a permit from Cardigan Man to do any smiting. Luke apologizes for the way he was discussing Max. Lorelai asks whether Luke really feels that way about marriage. Luke says that marriage isn't the worst thing for everyone, and that it's probably better than being hobbled. Lorelai says that some people can evolve together, and that John Lennon and Yoko Ono eventually evolved into having the same face as the years went by. Luke says it was spooky, and that they were lucky. Luke says that if you can find that person who doesn't want to change you, then it might be okay. They share a look, and Lorelai stands up. Luke follows her. "No one has ever made me a Chupah before," Lorelai says. Luke answers that theoretically you only get married once. Lorelai agrees. We see Luke and Lorelai standing under the Chupah together, surrounded by the green of Lorelai's front yard.
Rory studies on her bed as Lorelai runs in. "Pack," Lorelai commands. She says they're hitting the road. Rory asks what's going on as Lorelai tells her not to pack lightly. Lorelai empties Rory's drawers as she explains they haven't gone on a road trip in forever and the weather is perfect. Rory says they can't go on a road trip because Lorelai's getting married this weekend. Lorelai looks for sunscreen as Rory asks about Max. "Mom! Stop!" Rory says. Lorelai turns around as Rory asks, "Are you and Max getting married?" Lorelai takes a second and then says, "No." Rory asks why. Lorelai tears up and says that she didn't want to try on her wedding dress every night. Rory takes a second and then asks where they're going. She starts to pack. Lorelai says she doesn't know where they're going. Rory says she'll pack for every kind of weather, with light layers. Rory gets Lorelai a book for the trip. Lorelai tells Rory to hurry, and that they'll leave around six in the morning. Rory says they should shoot for five. "You are crazy. And I love it," Lorelai says, as she leaves the room.
The morning Lorelai's Jeep is the only vehicle roaming around Stars Hollow. It's still dark out. The car turns. Rory asks whether they're almost there. Lorelai says they're almost there and nowhere near it. "All that matters is we're going," she smiles. The car pulls to a stop. Lorelai and Rory are at the red light in front of Luke's. The long red light in the middle of nowhere, where nobody is crossing or walking or waiting. It's just Lorelai, Rory, and the Jeep, stopped in front of Luke's. They stare at the light, but it doesn't change, keeping Lorelai in Stars Hollow, just outside Luke's reach for just a bit longer.
week the wedding's getting called off and everyone's in a fit as the girls continue their road trip to nowhere.