They say that brevity is the soul of wit. I don't know what that says about this episode. (I don't know what that says about my recaps, either.) Dear Daniel Palladino: Step away from the Gilmore Girls. Just back away slowly with your hands up. Do not attempt to doctor your script. Do not attempt to change a storyline. Please just walk away so nobody else gets hurt. You are ruining our favorite show. Please. Stop. You aren't funny. You aren't charming. You're making Lorelai into a giant bitchy brat, and I can't take it anymore. Leave your wife's show alone. Love, Pamie.
Previously on Gilmore Girls: Lorelai was getting married. Luke was nonchalant. Rory was excited. Luke was grumpy. Lane got shipped to Korea. We saw Max for a second, complaining that he didn't have any keys and concluding that Lorelai didn't love him. Lane was really getting shipped to Korea. Max asked Lorelai to think about what a marriage is. Lorelai decided to shirk all responsibilities by kidnapping her daughter for a road trip instead of calling off her wedding properly.
In the Jeep, in the morning hours, Lorelai is complaining that they didn't bring any music with them. I'm sure Lorelai would have had an emergency mix tape stashed in the glove compartment. Rory has a conversation with herself, wondering where they are and where they're going as Lorelai complains about not having any music. She complains that she needs her AC/DC and that the radio is only playing Top 40 and Christian Rock: "Christian Rock -- there's an oxymoron for you." Three bands on today's Top 40 charts would like to have a word with you, Lorelai. Rory tells Lorelai to stop complaining about the music. Lorelai tells Rory to stop complaining about their whereabouts. Rory must have gone to the dentist right before this scene, because she's baby-talking through the whole thing. All vowels are held longer than necessary, and she's mush-mouthing around most of her lines. I don't know why she's doing that, but it's not making her any cuter. Lorelai turns on the radio and bitches about the country music. Rory turns off the radio and asks to figure out where they're going. Lorelai says that the point of this trip is to drive around aimlessly, be spontaneous, and end up somewhere they never expected to be. Rory: "Sounds risky." Lorelai: "Sounds exciting." Pamie: "Sounds like your engagement." Rory points out that serendipity has never been kind to them before. Lorelai says she spoke on the phone to serendipity last night; serendipity felt bad about the way she'd treated them, and promised to be nicer in the future. Rory perks up, turns around to look behind her, and shouts, "What did that sign say? It says 'Don't' or 'Death' on it." That's probably the best line of the episode, and it's a shame it's so early on. Lorelai tells Rory to relax, and Rory moans that they're doomed. They've packed lots of lawn chairs, for some reason. Rory says that they're lost. Lorelai laughs that they can't be lost if they don't know where they're going. Rory asks Lorelai to stop before they drive into the Atlantic Ocean. Lorelai promises to try. "At least we'll know where we are," Rory says. "Unless it's the Pacific," Lorelai smiles. I'm not exactly sure what that means, either. The DJ announces a three-song set by Hootie and the Blowfish as the girls moan and the trombone Wah Wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaaahs us right to the opening credits.
Lorelai and Rory are buying sacks of nuts at Hayden's Nuthouse, a roadside nut attraction. Lorelai says that she loves road-trip food, and that there isn't anything better than what they serve at Hayden's Nuthouse. I beg to differ, Lorelai. If you take a road trip to Austin, Texas, just outside of Bastrop you'll see a pecan store. Right there on the sign it boasts: "WE BUY, SELL CRACK." Whee! Road muthafuckin' Trip, my friends. Hayden's Nuthouse looks like a petting zoo. Lorelai says that if she were in a rock band and on tour, she'd make the bus driver stop at every Hayden's Nuthouse. Rory says, "Wow. Your Behind the Music is going to be really long."
Back inside the Jeep, Lorelai decides to call Sookie on her cell phone. Since Sookie has no idea that the wedding's off -- and possibly even Max doesn't know that the wedding is off -- Lorelai has decided to tell Sookie, and to have Sookie tell Miss Patty, so that everyone else can spread the rumor for Lorelai and save her from actually having to do anything. Everyone's got to go and return presents and everything, and Lorelai just sits around with her sack of nuts. As the credits roll, I notice that Amy Sherman-Palladino's name is nowhere to be seen this time. She didn't write it, direct it, produce it, or executive-produce this one. She's been reduced to "Created By." Also, Lorelai can just take off from the inn for a few days? Nice job. Lorelai tells Sookie that she and Rory both still love Max, but that to figure everything out they'd have to dig up Freud and have him work on Lorelai for a few weeks. I can't believe Sookie's not crying or anything. She's not telling Lorelai that she's just got cold feet, or offering to call Max and talk to him. Nothing. Lorelai tells Sookie she hopes she didn't get too far along on the cake. Sookie says she's been so busy she really hasn't even had time to get to the cake. She walks up to a five-layer beauty and starts cutting into it, serving slices to all of the cute men that work in her kitchen with a wave, like, "Might as well. It's not for a wedding anymore." Lorelai says she would have "killed herself" if Sookie had worked really hard on a cake for nothing, but she says it without any real emotion. Because she doesn't really care. Lorelai hangs up. "You were a good cake, Clyde," Sookie says with a grin. "Never should have named you." Ah, Sookie. When will you get your episode?
Lorelai warns Rory, "That had better not be a map." Rory pouts and mumbles, "Sorry, but I am openly defying your no-map policy." Rory says she doesn't want to sleep in the dark in the Jeep in a couple of hours. Lorelai moans that Rory didn't inherit Lorelai's sense of adventure. Rory says that they're headed towards Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Lorelai says that she has a friend (whose name she can't remember) who lives there and opened up a Bed and Breakfast. How convenient! Rory moans about the B&B, and Lorelai says it's supposed to be really cool. "That's like saying an understated Nicolas Cage movie," Rory says. She goes on about Captain Corelli's Mandolin, shouting, "Bella Bambino at two 'o clock!" Lorelai says that the place is supposed to be cool and that each of the rooms is supposed to be decorated in a weird style from a different century. Rory says they should go. She tells Lorelai to call first. Lorelai won't, because that would compromise their sense of adventure.
The sense of adventure leads to The Cheshire Cat, a Bed and Breakfast that's nothing like the cool place Lorelai's friend was supposed to run. I could point out here that Lorelai could probably sleep wherever she wants because she runs an inn in Stars Hollow (having both parents in the hotel industry, I know how people swap rooms all the time), but I won't, because it's pointless. Anyway, Lorelai's friend doesn't own this place anymore, and The Cheshire Cat looks like you've fallen into a potpourri sachet complete with creepy dolls and way too much flowery fabric. We immediately start with the quirky as the B&B owner at the front desk asks Lorelai if she'd like to ring the bell. The Ring the Bell bit goes on for a while as the owner explains that most people get to ring the bell because she's not at the desk when they enter, and the guests get a great thrill out of ringing the bell but Lorelai didn't get to ring the bell because the owner was already at the desk when Lorelai walked in. Lorelai rings the bell. Yes, it's that funny, and Daniel decided that the final joke of this bit should be "Well done." Here's where the owner explains that Lorelai's friend no longer works here, and that she runs things differently than he did. She goes on a long explanation of why B&Bs should be traditional and not eclectic, but it's boring and long-winded and I like you people more than Daniel Palladino does. Her name is LaDonn, by the way. LaDonn hands Lorelai the keys to room #3 and welcomes her, even though Lorelai did nothing to check in, including give a name, number, credit card, information, or cash. Lorelai says she needs to consult with Rory for a second. They turn around, which immediately creates a sound barrier that LaDonn can't hear because everyone knows that turning around makes the third person in the room unable to hear anything but her own busywork at her desk. Lorelai tells Rory that they need to leave immediately. She says she'd rather sleep in a hollowed-out tree or a riverbank. Rory says she's starving. Lorelai says that a place named after "A Alice in Wonderland character [sic]" is her worst nightmare. Rory says that dying of exposure in a Jeep is hers. Lorelai gives in for the first time in her life, and LaDonn walks them up to room #3, but not before she asks Rory whether she would also like to ring the bell, so that the joke can be repeated with just as much humor missing. As LaDonn walks up the stairs carrying all of Rory and Lorelai's bags (the comedy!), she points out Sammy the cat on the stairs. Sammy looks just like my cat Lillith, who died a couple of years ago. The girls are commenting on how large Sammy is and that it might be the cat that ate Sammy. Those ladies don't know from cats that ate Sammy. My cat Cal is the size of their duffel bag. Rory and Lorelai walk up the stairs, but the camera stays with Sammy so we know that Sammy is a cat, and that he's a cat who sits on those stairs right there. It'll come in handy later, the camera reminds us.
Room #3 is filled with flowered wallpaper, and Lorelai is unhappy. She starts bitching about the seemingly free room immediately. Rory and Lorelai rudely grimace and moan. Lorelai asks whether the flowers on the wall are moving. LaDonn says it looks like they are because they put foil behind the wallpaper or something like that. LaDonn asks Lorelai what business she's in. "Publishing," Lorelai lies. LaDonn coos that publishing is so interesting. She hands Lorelai the activity list and tells the girls they can come down to chat whenever they want because she loves company. LaDonn leaves. Lorelai walks over to Rory and delivers the worst line ever written and delivered: "Okay, I think we just found the first room in history of the world that would make Liberace go, 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'" I hope Lauren Graham's rushed and humorless delivery was because she was hoping the line would get cut. Rory finds the guest room book and reads from it. "This room made my soul soar," someone said. The girls moan. Lorelai says it's time to go find some food. Rory's happy to go because she's starving.
Lorelai stops at the top of the stairs, holding Rory back. "Dentists," Lorelai moans. "Boston dentists. Cocktail hour at The Cheshire Cat." Lorelai says they can't go down there. Rory asks why they can't just run through: "They're not assassins." Lorelai points out that if they go down there, they'll get caught in "mind-numbing, soul-deadening chit-chat," something Lorelai for some reason doesn't want to do anymore. What happened to that sense of adventure, girl? ["I know! She's already come up with a cover story; you'd think she'd want to work that whole publishing lie." -- Wing Chun] Rory says she's starving, and that she's going down there. Lorelai asks whether Rory's hungry enough to answer a hundred only slightly differing questions about Chilton, life in a small town, and her "hunky, hunky boyfriend." Rory goes back up to the room and Lorelai follows her. No closing joke. End of scene.
Lorelai is rummaging through her bag and finds Certs. You know, the first thing they would have bought on a road trip is food, as evidenced by the sacks of nuts they bought a few hours ago. Lorelai says she can't remember the last time she bought Certs. She says that they are fuzzy. This almost-a-joke brought to you by Certs. Rory sits in the bed with Lorelai. Something happens downstairs; I can't really tell what it is, but it's got Rory and Lorelai pissed off. They complain about the three hours of group activities planned downstairs, in which they aren't involving themselves, and Lorelai hopes that the group is going to finish it off with a mass suicide. Rory points out that they get cranky when they're hungry. You think? "Plus we're above everyone else on the planet," Lorelai says. "Clearly," Rory agrees. They think about going to sleep, but it's not quite 8:30 yet and they aren't sleepy. Lorelai says they could sing "Anarchy in the UK" at the top of their lungs. Rory opts for talking about Max. Lorelai says she doesn't want to talk about that. She gets inside the covers with all of her clothes on and says, "Good night, Rory." She turns off the light. Rory turns the light back on and asks Lorelai whether she's just running scared. She says she thinks Lorelai really loves Max, but is just scared. Lorelai turns the light off. Rory turns it back on and points out that Lorelai did this with Max before. Lorelai sits up and says, "Rory. I don't want to talk about this." They bicker about whether now is the right time to have this conversation and which one of them is more mature and whether Rory is Lorelai's best friend. Rory asks why this happened. Lorelai says she changed her mind. Rory says that this is their lives that Lorelai just "tossed off." Lorelai says she didn't toss off anything. Okay, road-trip girl. Rory says they made space in the closet and made plans for Max to move in. She says she was counting on this. Lorelai says they're not having this argument right now in flowered sheets while dentists sing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" in the background because it's too David Lynch. Lorelai flops down on the bed again as Rory shouts that she thinks Lorelai loves Max. Rory says she thinks that Lorelai is going to regret all of this soon. Lorelai shouts Rory's name again, and Rory turns off the light. She flops into the bed. They both lie on their backs silently and angrily. "I'm sure," Lorelai says quietly. "I wish I did love him. You have no idea how much." Rory kisses Lorelai's cheek. Commercial.
The morning. Rory enters the room and asks Lorelai why she's staring. Lorelai says the flowers are getting taller. Rory sees that Lorelai wrote in the guest book: "Satanic forces are at work here." Rory says they can't write that and changes it to "Sat and forever am at work here." Lorelai says that doesn't make any sense. Rory says at least it doesn't invoke the Dark Prince. "Last night," Rory says. "We're good," Lorelai says. Well, great. Glad we don't have to know anything else. No point in showing emotions or feelings, or explaining anything. Does Max even know the wedding is off? Lorelai complains to Rory that she ate the fuzzy Certs, and that they tasted like keys. Rory says she needs to eat something. They check the schedule and find out that there's a thirteen-minute window between breakfast and arts and crafts. They run.
Downstairs, the girls find the guests huddled around a window. LaDonn tells the girls that they've been worried about the two of them. Perhaps because they were screaming last night? I can't believe they didn't get busted. Lorelai asks what the guests are doing. Representatives of the guests say that they're watching hummingbirds, and that there's still room by the window if the girls want to "scooch in." A man marvels about the engineering of a hummingbird. "That was not on the freaking list," Lorelai brats. "We don't put things like that on the freaking list," LaDonn smiles, "because the delights of nature aren't on any kind of time schedule." LaDonn puts out their test batch of scones for the girls to try. Even though Rory and Lorelai hate these people, they'll eat their free food. Rory and Lorelai sit down and scoff up scones, growling at each other over which one has more food. An older couple sit down with Lorelai and Rory and try to make small talk about publishing. The woman asks Lorelai which books she's done, so that she can go home and look them up and read them later. The man has a space pen that he loves. Lorelai makes up a couple of books, including Goodnight, Spoon (I chuckled at that) and the woman says she's read one of them, about a horse that wanted to bark. She asks to be reminded what happened to the horse at the end. Lorelai says that the horse dies. Rory adds that the horse did learn to bark before he died, so it's an uplifting story. The woman asks where Lorelai's offices are located, and Lorelai says that she needs to make a phone call. Rory whines that Lorelai promised she wouldn't do any work on their trip, and Lorelai says that the book-publishing world never stops (I chuckled at that too, but for an entirely different reason). This is going on for a long time. They are all harmless people and they're just being nice. They ask Rory about her school.
Lorelai sits to Sammy the Cat and calls Sookie. Sookie has blatantly broken the No Cell Phone rule, and is holding the phone up at Luke's so that Lorelai can hear Luke giving Kirk shit about sitting way too long at a table. Kirk just wants more coffee, and Luke wants Kirk to leave. How many more people could Luke be expecting? Kirk says that in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table for as long as you want. Luke threatens to say some horrible things that may or may not involve France. Kirk says he could leave if he had his check. Luke points out the check sitting at Kirk's elbow. Sookie gets back on the phone. Lorelai asks whether everyone already knows the news. I'm surprised she hasn't asked Sookie to call both Emily and Max to let them know that the wedding is off. Sookie says that Luke doesn't know yet, since he's a loner. Bullshit. Everyone's in that diner every morning. He'd have heard the gossip. Kirk asks Luke what's 6% of $4.43 for a tip. Hee. Anyway, Lorelai tells Sookie to tell Luke instead of asking Sookie to hand Luke the phone. Lorelai listens as Sookie tells Luke that the wedding is off. He asks what happened, and Sookie admits she doesn't know, but says she has Lorelai on the phone. Luke's shocked and sorry. Lorelai hangs up the phone and stares at Sammy the Cat. Luke gives Kirk another refill of coffee and says it's on the house. "Thanks," Kirk says. "Or should I say, gracias." When does Kirk get an episode? Luke gives free coffee to everyone in the diner as Sookie shakes her head. "That man loves him some Lorelai," she thinks. We get it.
Rory's miserable as the table chit-chats around her. See, Rory should be better at this. She loves making chit-chat with Emily and Richard and the men at the country club. I don't understand what her problem is. They ask about her boyfriend as Rory shouts, "Mom! I saved you a scone. You love me, right?" Lorelai says she has to take Rory away from the table and feed her now. Rory runs out of the room.
"I now have abandonment issues," Rory says, as they walk through the B&B. Lorelai says she had to make a call. Rory says Lorelai left her. Lorelai asks what Rory wants to do now. "Kill you," Rory says. Lorelai asks what else. Rory isn't sure. "Bounce tennis balls off of Sammy?" Lorelai offers. She tells Rory to pull out the map she's hiding. Rory opens the map and says they're near Concord, Manchester, Salem, Boston, Newton, blah, blah, blah mapcakes. Lorelai gets inspired and says she knows where they're going. Rory asks where, but Lorelai just promises that Rory will love it. Rory starts to fold her map and says if Lorelai tells her where they're going she can chart a course. Lorelai takes the map and crumbles it. Rory shouts that Lorelai is folding it wrong. Lorelai asks if it's now smaller. Rory says that it is. Lorelai says that it's not wrong. Rory pouts until Lorelai promises to buy her a new map.
U.C.L.A. "I don't believe it!" Rory shouts. Me neither. "Harvard University," Rory says. No, U.C.L.A. "Looks just like the pictures," Rory says. Of U.C.L.A. Lorelai says they're there to behold Rory's future. "It's big," Rory says. "I can't believe it. I'm actually standing outside of Harvard," she says. Or U.C.L.A. Lorelai pulls Rory toward the campus. Rory says they can't go in there. Lorelai points out that there isn't a forcefield. "This is Harvard," Rory says. U.C.L.A. "I know," Lorelai says. "This is Harvard," Rory repeats. This is U.C.L.A., I repeat. Lorelai says that they can and will go inside. She asks whether Rory wants to see where she'll develop naïve world views that will come crashing down the minute she graduates. "Harvard," Rory says again as they walk towards an entryway. Two men in the Official Harvard Sweatshirt walk past them. The Official Harvard Sweatshirt is maroon and says the word "Harvard" boldly across it. Let's count them, okay? There's two. I'll rewind and see if there were any more at the beginning of this scene. One. Two (and that's a little kid). Not enough backpacks. Lots of cars. Okay, so four so far just before commercial here.
Five. Nice white pants and collared shirt under the Official Harvard Sweatshirt, by the way, extra. Lorelai reads from a guide and wows that Harvard is three hundred years old. A guy awkwardly rides his bike (with a basket) right behind the girls and just to some stairs. Six. Seven. Wait. That's white pants girl. She just went to get another bike with a basket. Yikes! White pants girl is suddenly right behind them! Run, girls! As you can see, the extras in this scene are much more interesting than Lorelai droning on fun facts about Harvard. I didn't go. I don't care. White Pants girl is now stalking Lorelai and Rory, animatedly talking to someone off-camera. She finally walks away as Lorelai points out that Fred Gwynne went to Harvard. Herman Munster. Shout-out to their own Grampa, who also played Herman Munster. Seven. They stop at a coffee kiosk. Rory goes to get coffee. Lorelai reads from the kiosk about people who need roommates. Somehow Rory can still hear her even though she's a good eight feet away. Rory walks back and says that it'll be two years before she goes to Harvard. Lorelai says she is going to need a place to stay so that she can come visit. She says that she's going to visit every other day, and asks whether that's too much. Lorelai is standing to a flyer that reads, "GET PAID TO WATCH PORN!" Sign me up. Official Harvard Sweatshirt Eight walks over with every ounce of obvious in his body and stands to Lorelai. He then gives her the over-obvious once-over. This kid's not a subtle actor by any means. He might as well have his jaw drop to the floor, and have his eyes bug out as steam shoots from his ears and we hear, "A-OOOOOOGAH!" He starts flirting with Lorelai and she flirts back. Rory listens from the coffee kiosk, and it has to be a gross feeling to watch your mom flirt with boys almost your age. Lorelai pretends she's in class with Harvard Eight. Flirt, flirt, flirt. He says he might see her at the party that night, and walks off. Rory brings Lorelai her coffee without going, "Here, Mommy!" like I would have. Lorelai beams that she's going to like college, and says how happy she is she finally got to use the word "existentialist" in a sentence.
Lorelai and Rory casually walk through a section of grass so that Rory can stop and shout, "Oh, my!" It's a library, and for some reason Rory freaks out like she's never seen a library before, and then freaks out because it's just one of Harvard's libraries, as if she's never heard of a college before. Lorelai continues the Harvard ad, as I think about a friend I had in college who had a goal of never setting foot in any of our libraries. He made me go and look up a book for him once just so he'd never break his rule. He didn't graduate, by the way, so don't try that at home, kids. Rory freaks out that she's never read thirty million books like Harvard has, and that she's stupid. She keeps whining that she's never going to be ready for Harvard. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Rory says she sleeps too much and she sucks. Nine. Ten.
Hollis Hall, the sign reads. "Residents Only." Not for Lorelai and Rory, who decide just to walk into a dorm. Is there no security guard? We couldn't even have a boy in the dorm unescorted or they'd call campus security on him. Eleven. Twelve.
Inside the dorm, Rory says they're going to get in trouble. Lorelai talks to two girls in the dorm, pretending that they're students. It's embarrassing, and the girls are embarrassed for her. Rory points out that all of Lorelai's college-age jargon comes from Happy Days and Valley Girl. Hee. Oh, God. Lorelai finds an open dorm room and decides to walk inside it to see what it looks like. She calls out the name "Suzie," saying that will be their cover if they get caught. She notes that the room is tiny. She says that it has two beds, so she can visit. Rory says that's for her roommate. Lorelai complains that you shouldn't just get forced a roommate. Blah, blah, blah roommate banter about how to deal with bad roommates. We'll ignore it. Lorelai then makes Rory sit down at a desk, go through some poor girl's stuff, and pretend it's hers so Lorelai can take a picture. I'm increasingly worried for Rory, since she one day wants to go to this school and might not want a trespassing record on her so early in life. She's sitting on some stranger's bed! Ew! It's not made! Get out of there! Lorelai keeps correcting Rory's pose for the picture until I'm too uncomfortable to watch. This is so rude. If I walked into my dorm room and two strangers were there taking pictures, I'd scream my ass off. Steal the iBooks, Rory. Lorelai and Rory bump into the girl who lives in the dorm room as they walk out. "Oh, hey, Suzie," Lorelai says and they walk off. Suzie stands there for way too long to give an enormous "okay" look that's as obvious as Sammy the cat.
Thirteen. Fourteen. Rory and Lorelai are now walking through one of the lecture buildings. Rory says the rooms are huge. Can we stop advertising Harvard now? All campuses have large classrooms and dorm rooms that are small and grass that's green and several libraries. Lorelai and Rory crash a classroom and sit behind Official Sweatshirt Fifteen. Lorelai asks whether it should cost a hundred dollars to listen to the lecture. That's about what it breaks down to, yes. Rory says she doesn't think Harvard would "nickel-and-dime people like that." Ha! Lorelai says she's going to find a bathroom to sneak a cigarette and see if someone slipped an aspirin in her Coke. "Okay, Rizzo," Rory smiles. Vince Fontaine slipped aspirin in Marty's Coke, but whatever. Rory walks into the doorway, and her Styrofoam coffee cup slips and hits the ground and makes a noise like a car crash. Everyone in the classroom stares at her in full comic glory, and the instructor tells her she's in or out. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Rory sits down in a seat and apologizes. Everyone quietly goes back to the class.
Lorelai finds a wall of Harvard Valedictorians. I can't believe they've tucked this shrine away in some English lecture hall. She finds the girl who was Valedictorian the year that she would have graduated, had she finished high school and gone to college. Lorelai is all jealous of this smart girl who has a brilliant career now when Lorelai's just got a daughter and doesn't even have a husband anymore. Lorelai has the power to turn anything into a drama about herself. All of the graduates so didn't get their pictures taken on the same day with the same roll of film, by the way. Everyone looks so different!
Lorelai hears Rory screaming out her opinion inside the lecture hall. Oh, man, I'd hate Rory if I were at Harvard. She's already interrupting class arguing her opinion, not a care at all as to whether there's a class rule about when you can speak. She's clapping her hands while she talks like she's got special problems, and she's beaming as she argues. The teacher argues back with her (so I know he's a T.A. and not a professor) and the rest of the class doesn't seem to grumble as Rory keeps interrupting. They even interrupt to argue with her, even though the kids on the other side of the classroom wouldn't be able to hear what's happening since they aren't on a microphone. Blah, blah, blah, Seneca. Lorelai's proud. Rory just gets up and walks out, after thanking some kid who was arguing with her. ["I'm pretty sure that kid was Yick on Degrassi, but they didn't show his face close enough for me to tell for sure." -- Wing Chun] Everyone else in the class shrugs, like, "Ain't she something? That girl's gonna be smart someday!"
Out in the hallway, Rory beams how much she loves Harvard. We Get It. She loves Harvard. She's smart. We get it. Rory says that the teacher asked a question and she couldn't help talking and then she couldn't stop. Lorelai is already upset with her own problems and can't share in Rory's joy. Rory says this is all amazing and she loves college and she loves Harvard and she loves fatalism. Lorelai pouts in her own problems and abandonment issues until we go to commercial.
Does this episode seem extra-long to you?
They're leaving the B&B. LaDonn's carrying the bags again down the stairs. This prompts the incredibly long debate about Sammy the Cat and whether he normally sleeps on the stairs. I'm not kidding -- it goes on way too long and the final punchline is, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown." I'll skip it for you. Lorelai and Rory wear full Harvard gear. LaDonn asks whether they enjoyed their stay. Rory says they did, and Lorelai says, "I sat and forever am at work here." LaDonn says she can't wait to read the guest book. Lorelai asks for a five-minute headstart. They leave. LaDonn straightens some Hummel on her desk, and for some reason we have to watch her.
Rory's still going on about Harvard and how classy they are and that they don't sell foam fingers. They're back in Stars Hollow. Rory says she feels like they've been gone a long time. They have, haven't they? More than two days, right? Lorelai wonders why nothing ever looks different when she gets back. Everyone is sad as they see Lorelai drive by. Kirk offers a hug. Lorelai says, "Patty's good."
Back at home, Lorelai and Rory bicker about lettuce essence, and whether it counts that you ate lettuce on a hamburger even if you pick it off. On the front porch, the chupah mocks Lorelai. Run away again, Lorelai! Run! "Everything's the same," Lorelai says. Yeah, now go deal with your life. Lorelai walks over to the chupah and pouts. No tears, but some severe pouting. She wipes her eyes, though, so it's almost like she's crying.
Friday night. Emily's house. Lorelai is showing slides of Harvard. Emily asks Lorelai to focus the picture. Lorelai says it is focused. Emily complains that it feels like she's got glaucoma when she looks at those pictures. Lorelai says the pictures are arty. The slide is of a Harvard squirrel on a Harvard rock. Emily says it looks dirty. The slide is a dorm and part of Lorelai's finger. Emily complains about having to look at slides and asks why Lorelai didn't just get prints. This launches Lorelai into a giant fit to the effect that people just flip through prints like they're nothing and don't give the pictures the attention they deserve, whereas with slides people have to take their time and hear every story and feel like they're really there since the slides are so big. Emily notes that she feels like she's inside Lorelai's finger. Daniel Palladino, please stop writing this show. Lorelai says that Emily's just jealous they didn't invite her to come along. "time," Rory says. Emily wonders why they went out without a scheduled visit and a guide; she doesn't know why Rory and Lorelai ran out of town when there's a wedding in a few minutes: "Didn't your fiancé mind?" Emily doesn't even know Max's name. And shouldn't the wedding be tomorrow? Rory tells Lorelai to tell Emily what's going on. Emily assumes that Lorelai eloped, and goes into a tirade about how she was looking forward to this wedding. She got her hair done and got a present and bought a new dress and then she got tortured by slides. Lorelai says the wedding is off. Emily asks, "Are you sure?" Lorelai says she's sure. Emily sits back down and asks who called it off. "I did," Lorelai says. Emily is quiet. Lorelai says, "You're thinking you're not surprised." Emily says she wasn't thinking that. Lorelai says that Emily probably won five bucks from Richard. Emily asks who wants dessert. Lorelai asks what Emily was thinking. Emily admits she was thinking she'll have to return the present. Instead of asking why Emily wasn't wondering why Lorelai called off the wedding, Lorelai starts hounding Emily to tell her what she got her. She wants to know what the present is. This goes on and on and on to where you'd be like, "No, it ended by now, right?" and I'd have to say, "No, they're still talking. This recap went on and we had other experiences and lived our lives, but at Emily's house they're still bickering over the present. Lorelai had a fifteen-minute monologue about iced-tea spoons, corn-on-the-cob holder-thingies, and tiny forks." And you'd be all, "Was it funny?" and I'd say, "No." And then you'd say, "But they're done now, right?" and I'd say, "No. Right now Emily just told Lorelai that she won't return it and will just keep it until the day Lorelai finally decides to get married." And you'd say, "No, you just made that up." But then I could play the part of the tape for you where they said that. Because right now, while I'm typing? They're still arguing over the present. Something about Katharine Hepburn. They've ruined this show. Ruined it, I tell you. This is the worst episode ever. Boring and Harvard-y. I think Rory's got vegetables on her dress. It still goes on off-camera as we watch Rory listen to the argument.
The Jeep's parked outside Luke's when Lane runs up. "Oh, my God, Lane!" Rory shouts, having forgotten her friend. Lane asks whether Rory thought she'd ever see her again. I'm surprised Rory even remembers Lane's name. Lane says she escaped from Korea, and she's home now. She asks whether Rory got her letters. I think that's Lane's way of pointing out that Rory never wrote to her. Rory says that the first letter was pretty intense -- that it said, "Korea equals death" and had cut-up pictures of Lane's sad face. Lane admits that she had a blast in Korea and got bootlegs of Elvis Costello, Iggy Pop, and Nico. She taped them to her body like in Midnight Express to smuggle them back into the U.S. Lorelai excuses herself to be at Luke's. Rory tells Lane that she overreacted.
Lorelai walks into Luke's and announces that Lewis and Clark are back. Luke asks which one Lorelai is. Lorelai says she's whichever one had to paddle the canoe. Was that a joke? Luke gets her some coffee and apologizes about the wedding. Lorelai says she's fine. Luke apologizes for the way he treated Max. Lorelai says it's fine. She's wearing an incredible amount of makeup in this scene. Luke apologizes for leaving the chupah on the lawn, all big, reminding her and mocking. He says he'll take it down right now. He tells everyone to get out. Lorelai says that she thinks she's going to keep it because it's beautiful. She says it'll be a beautiful archway in the yard. Luke says he'll help her move it into the yard. He asks where they went. Lorelai recaps. She says that Rory fit in Harvard very well: "She was right at home." Luke asks how Lorelai's taking that. Lorelai says she loved it, and she hated it. She says the past few days have given her so many thoughts about her life then, what she has now, what she missed, what she never had, and what she'll never have. She asks whether Luke ever set up a line of credit at a bank. She's going to move on the inn. She says she and Sookie are going to open it. Does Sookie know that? How is this all about her again? God. Instead of dealing with the broken engagement, Lorelai's just going to thrust everything into the inn. Shouldn't she save her money to help Rory go to Harvard? Luke says he'll help Lorelai with any business advice he can give. He says there aren't any stupid questions, until Lorelai asks how ink comes out of pens. She thanks him for his help. Lorelai leaves, and Luke watches her.
Lane asks Rory what she's been up to. Rory says she's been to Harvard. Lane freaks out, assuming that Rory's actually attending Harvard, I bet, because nobody gets that excited about a campus tour. Rory tells Lorelai that she'd like to spend some time with Lane. Lorelai's instantly pouty that her one friend is getting taken away by that stupid girl who just got back from Korea after three months. The selfishness! Rory walks off, and Lorelai practically bursts into tears shouting, "I need Rory back!" So instead, she immediately calls up Sookie to make sure that she has someone to listen to her talk at all times. Lorelai says she wants to start moving on "the inn thing." She says they're ready. She wants to meet early at work tomorrow. Lorelai starts the Jeep and drives off, saying she's excited, too. "Hey, Max! I called off the wedding, did I tell you? No? Oh. Well, I'm going to start a committed relationship with Sookie instead! No, I can't afford that, either! Responsibility? What the hell is that?"
week, Luke's relative shows up and throws all of Stars Hollow into a frenzy not seen since Rune came to town. I think this kid is going to push CuteDean out of the picture. Luke and Lorelai fight. Max wha? Who cares?