Nick and Nora/Sid and Nancy

Lane walks into the diner at this point and says she's glad Rory hasn't left for school yet: "I found the greatest record store in the world ten minutes from your school and I'm wondering how much you love me." Rory gets out a notebook to write down Lane's wish list. It's called Record Breaker, Inc. on 2453 Berlin Turnpike. It's here if you want to go. Hey, who's the busboy working for Luke? Why hasn't the busboy angle been explored? Lane pulls out her Mojo Collection and starts ordering. Her list includes Tour the Sonics, Mc5, and the Bee Gees, because Mojo says. Lane laughs and gleefully announces that she's almost done with the '60s. Rory promises to go today or tomorrow at the latest as a pack of Boy Scouts march into Luke's, led by Taylor, who has to go by "Taylor" in this scene because he's not wearing his cardigan. I can't believe he's not wearing a cardigan over his uniform. Lorelai stands up and Rory shouts, "Hey!" Lorelai turns back around and says she's just getting a donut and once she's done she'll take Rory to school and "the nice men in the white coats will pick [her] up." Taylor has the Boy Scouts lined up. He tells them to wait in line, order, and then move to the back of the line. The boy in the front of the line asks for a burger. The boy behind him wants grilled cheese. Another boy wants grilled cheese and fries. The boy in front of him wants crispy fries. The boy at the front of the line wants his fries crispy, too. Luke tells the boy he can't have crispy fries since he didn't order fries. The boy asks why he can't. Luke says that the boy didn't order fries and so he can't make them crispy because you can't make something crispy that doesn't exist. "Why not?" the boy asks again and Luke warns Taylor to get the kid away from him. Taylor boasts that this diverse group of Boy Scouts just completed the first leg of their Outdoor Survival Training, and that Luke should show them more respect. Luke isn't impressed with that first leg, which mostly involves "sitting under a tree, gluing rocks together for two hours." Taylor calls Luke "jaded" and wonders aloud what happened to Luke as a child. Luke tells him that some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks forced him to sit under a tree and glue rocks together for hours. Luke tells one of the Boy Scouts to put down the donut display top. "Why?" he asks. Luke says he'll put the kid inside of it. The kid says he won't fit in there. Luke promises that the kid will. Lorelai interrupts here and asks for some donuts. The Boy Scout Line Leader announces that they were there first. Lorelai says she was on the planet first and therefore the boys lose and she gets her donuts. She Gets Her Donuts is the name of my second Elvis Costello tribute album.

The phone starts ringing and everyone moans as Luke goes to answer it. Luke has a conversation that sounds like there's nobody on the other end of the phone as Lorelai walks around the counter and starts serving herself some donuts. One of the kids tugs on Taylor's shirt and points at Lorelai, saying, "She's not supposed to do that." Taylor says that the kid is right and that Lorelai is "breaking the rules." "And people who break the rules end up very lonely with no friends" -- and no husband (wha? who said that?) -- "because they have become society's outcasts." Lorelai asks Taylor whether he plans on burning some Huck Finn after lunch. Luke starts screaming at the person on the other end of the phone: "You won't ever change, will you?" He hangs up and asks whether Lorelai has a sister. Lorelai says she doesn't. "I do!" says the Line Leader. "You have my sympathies," Luke says. "Thanks, I appreciate that," says the kid. Hee. Opening credits. See? It's all good and back and happy. Look how much I wrote already.

Lorelai finds Luke outside of Luke's, carrying several bags. He keeps dropping things and she keeps offering to help and he keeps turning her down. Y'all. I've officially been recapping too much. My cat just tried to jump up on the nightstand and drink from my coffee (because Cal loves coffee so much but it makes him have the stinky poo) and I sounded just like my mother as I shouted, "Lorel -- uh, Ror -- uh, CAL!" He's still up there trying to drink the coffee, too. I just don't want to stop him because I get terribly depressed when I sound like my mother. I'm really surprised they didn't do a Halloween episode, since Stars Hollow loves to decorate the town. This year to celebrate Halloween my uterus has decided to cover itself in blood and rain evil from my vagina. Just so you know. I didn't recap all day long and was supposed to do laundry, but they are having a parade in front of my laundromat and the street was closed to prepare and it was all so stressful that I just went and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese, ate it, and then slept for three hours. Don't judge me.

Luke's apartment. As he fumbles with the keys, Lorelai snoops through the groceries he just bought and asks when he started buying Frosted Flakes. Luke's bag breaks and groceries tumble all over the ground at the same time Scott Cohen's name appears on the screen in the credits. Coincidence? I think not. Lorelai asks what's going on, and Luke says it's nothing. Lorelai asks why Luke woke up this morning and decided to buy every single food item he never eats. Luke says they aren't for him, but for someone who is not him. "Like who?" Lorelai asks as they enter Luke's apartment. "Like my nephew," Luke answers. Lorelai concludes that Luke's nephew is coming to visit. Luke says he's coming to stay. Lorelai asks whether Luke's sister is moving to Stars Hollow. She's not. Lorelai is confused. Luke explains that his sister is busy and can't handle his nephew, so she's sending him to live with Luke. Lorelai asks where the father is. "Whereabouts unknown," Luke replies, adding that his sister probably put about five minutes of thought into all of this. The kid's been getting into trouble lately, and instead of spending time with her kid, she's giving up and sending him for Luke to straighten out. Lorelai smiles and asks how exactly Luke is capable of straightening any kid out: "You? Luke Danes, the great communicator? You're going to straighten the kid out?" Did we know Luke's last name before? ["Lorelai used it when she introduced Luke to Max last season." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that the kid just needs to get out of his environment and away from his crappy mother. Lorelai asks how long the kid is staying. Indefinitely. He's seventeen. Lorelai says that this is very generous of Luke. Luke says, "Well, it's family. What else can you do?" Lorelai asks what kind of trouble the kid has gotten into. Luke says it's mostly "kid stuff," like staying out late, getting rowdy. What else, Luke? Causing a ruckus? Being a hooligan? Gallivanting? Lorelai asks whether Luke's asked the kid some key questions like, has he seen The Shawshank Redemption and did the setting seem homey to him? Luke says he could never count on his sister Liz before, anyway. His mom died when they were kids, and he had to stay and help run the store with his dad while Liz would run around town. Then when she was old enough, she moved out of Stars Hollow, even though their dad was sick. Luke stayed and took care of things and she left. Huh. Wonder whether Luke's attracted to women like his sister, seeing as how he was in love with a woman who left whenever things got tough and took off all the damn time when he needed her.

Lorelai asks what Luke's doing. He's using a hand pump to blow up a giant blue air mattress. Lorelai says, "Luke, um, that's not a bed, that's a raft," which is an incredible shout-out. Just an hour before the episode aired I was on the phone with my mother talking about coming home for Christmas. My parents have recently taken in my seventy-two-year-old Aunt Betty, who is my grandmother's sister. Basically, you know the speech Luke just gave? Well, my mom could have said the same monologue, including the bits about Aunt Betty gallivanting and being a hooligan. I asked where I was going to sleep, and Mom told me she was going to buy an air mattress. When I complained she said, "You don't even know what it feels like." I do, and I answered, "Remember those rafts we had for our pool when we lived in California?" I shit you not, my mom thinks for about fifteen seconds and goes, "Well, they were kinda comfy. I used to sleep on them when I was tanning." And I shouted, "Because it was the '80s and you were on Percocets!" And my mom said, "Percodans. It's your grandmother that took Percocets." Y'all. I'm not kidding or making that up and it's going in my autobiography and you can't steal it. But back again to the story that's not about me. Lorelai says that the kid needs a bed; if Luke wants to get him something inflatable, it should be a blonde. Luke says the inflatable bed is fine. Lorelai asks how the kid feels about this. I must have missed the announcement, but now she's calling him "Jess." Luke admits that he hasn't spoken to Jess yet, and there's no reason to because the kid's got no choice. Lorelai asks whether Luke's ready for this. Luke says he is. Lorelai says that taking on a kid is a lot of work. Luke says he knows. Lorelai says that Jess could be lots of work since he's been in trouble. Luke says the kid just needs someone to take care of him who will give him space and calm and treat him like a man. Lorelai says that maybe Luke should think about this. Luke says there's nothing to think about because Jess is already being sent there. Lorelai asks what happens if Jess turns out to be Fredo. Luke asks whether Lorelai's telling him not to do this. Lorelai says she isn't. Luke asks what she's saying. Lorelai thinks and then says, "I'm just saying if you need any help I'm here." Thank you, Lorelai. Thanks for listening, caring, and then not being bratty or snotty. Our Lorelai appears to be back, y'all. Luke thanks her, too, and says he's got a lot of work to do. Lorelai goes to leave and asks whether Luke has an extra set of sheets for Jess. Luke moans that he does. Lorelai leaves and Luke grabs his keys to buy some sheets.

Chilton. As Rory starts to walk into a classroom, she stops. Paris is standing there. They face off for a second until Paris whips into the classroom. Fraulein and Louisa both give Rory a look and walk inside. Fraulein seems to have forgotten she wanted to be friends with Rory again. Rory stands in the hallway alone and says, "Okay, round two." Heh. She walks into the classroom.

Paris is picking up syllabi from a table as Rory walks over and asks for five seconds. Paris gives her four. Rory thanks her and Paris says it's now three. Rory says that it doesn't have to be like this. Rory says that the two of them are going to have to spend a lot of time together this year because they're both working on The Franklin, the school newspaper. Paris says that she can avoid Rory. Rory says she doesn't want to be friends, but that they should look at this like life. In life, there will be people that you don't like but with whom you still have to co-exist. She suggests that they simply co-exist. Paris says that Rory's scared that Paris will make her life a living hell because she's the editor and Rory is the opposite of the editor, in that she's not the editor. Rory says that if Paris wants to spend the "precious energy" that she would normally put into the paper hating on Rory instead, then she's welcome to it, but that she's only suggesting an alternate plan. Paris offers to agree that the paper could be really good this year and then just let the evil slide a little. "Everything okay?" Louisa asks here. I really hate Louisa. She's the perfect blonde bitch popular rich girl and I think the girl playing her is wonderful because I hate her every time she speaks. Paris says they were just talking about the paper. Fraulein says it seems weird. Paris says they're all going to be spending lots of time together, nights and weekends, and they might as well try and co-exist. Louisa starts objecting to the word "weekends." Paris says the first meeting for the paper is today at four. Rory says that sounds good and walks away. Paris sits down at her desk. Louisa says that she can't meet on weekends. She holds her hands out and says, "All of this gets done on weekends." I wasn't looking at the screen at first when she said it, and it looked like she was telling Paris she can only get laid on weekends. The guy sitting in Philllipppe's seat is so not Philllipppe. I miss him. Dawson's Creek, get your damn hands off our Tristan.

Luke waits for the bus that brings in all outsiders. Stars Hollow just added a black man, a lost young girl, and a frightened elderly man before adding Jess, Luke's nephew. Jess is supposed to be a bad-boy rebel, so of course they've got his clothes all wrong. He's wearing a blue vest that always reminds me of Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox was wearing one in orange and everyone in the '50s teased him that he thought he was going to drown. He's got on a camouflage top. Luke and Jess stare at each other for a while as two middle-aged white men leave Stars Hollow via the bus. Poor Lorelai will never find a man at that exchange rate. Luke stammers and eventually walks off. Jess follows, looking around his new town.

Luke's diner. Jess is easy to recap here because he's not talking. Just grunting and making one-syllable noises as Luke announces that this is his diner and that it used to be Jess's grandfather's. Are the lamps on the tables in the diner plugged in? The ones in the middle of the diner -- where are they plugged in?

Lorelai tries to introduce Jess to Sookie and Jackson, but they immediately dork out. Sookie asks whether Jess eats cheese and Jackson starts going on about how this is the best lemon he's ever grown and he wants everyone to try his perfect lemon. Lorelai explains that Jackson grows fruit and then scares people with it. Lorelai tells Rory that company has arrived and Jess sees Rory for the first time. He walks into her bedroom. She says it's nice to meet him. Jess looks over Rory's bookshelf and says, "Wow. Aren't we hooked on phonics?" Rory says she reads a lot. She asks whether he reads. He says he doesn't read that much, and pulls Rory's copy of Howl from the shelf. She offers to loan it to him if he'd like. He shakes his head and turns it down, putting it back on the shelf. Lorelai sticks her head in and says they need to get Jackson away from his lemon so they're moving everything into the living room. Rory tells her that they'll be right there. Jess moves the curtain from Rory's window and asks how it opens. She tells him and he opens it. He asks her to come along. Rory says she's not leaving because there's nothing to do in Stars Hollow on a Tuesday night and Sookie has made lots of food and even though he doesn't know it yet, Jess is going to have a good time. She tells him to trust her. Jess says he doesn't know Rory, so why should he trust her? "Don't I look trustworthy?" Rory asks. "Maybe," he answers. "Okay, good. Let's eat," Rory says, and walks off. Jess stares for a second to fall in love with her and then follows. Rory offers him a soda. He says he'll get it. She leaves the kitchen. Jess opens the fridge and grabs a beer.

Back at the table, everyone's setting down food and plateware as Luke asks where Jess is. Rory says that Jess is in the kitchen and on his way. Lorelai hands Luke a plate of food. He says, "I'm sorry, you must have mistaken me for you." "Too much?" Lorelai asks. Sookie says she forgot the garlic bread and Lorelai goes to the kitchen to get it.

In the kitchen Lorelai looks around for Jess. She can't find him, and eventually walks out back. She sees Jess open a bottle of beer. "Oh, for me? Hey, thanks," she says, and takes the beer. She takes a sip and says, "Refreshing." Lorelai asks if Jess isn't hungry. He says he isn't, really. Lorelai assumes that Jess doesn't want to be in Stars Hollow. Jess snarks that this whole place is so golly-darn-gee-terrific, and isn't life swell? Lorelai says that she's done the whole broody-teen thing and troubled-teen thing and angry-teen thing and she did them all very well. "In heels, no less," she adds. Jess puts on his Manson Lamps for this scene. Lorelai says that Luke is a great guy and that he's trying to do his best with Jess and he wants the best for Jess and that Jess is lucky to have Luke. Jess asks whether Lorelai is fucking his uncle, because there's no other reason for her to be fawning all over the place about how great he is. "You're either really nave, or you're getting some," he says. Lorelai gets offended and says the awkward line about how there are very few times in her life when she's wanted a cream pie to smash into someone's face, but she'd like a cream pie right now. It's like this episode is dubbed and they dubbed "gun" into "cream pie." Jess says that Lorelai's not being very neighborly. Lorelai says this is her house and she can talk however she wants, so ha-ha. Jess says that Lorelai doesn't know him or his mother or Luke, so she should "Dr. Laura" somebody else. Lorelai says she's going inside and tells him to stay out of her fridge.

Back in the kitchen, Luke enters, asking where Jess is. "Outside working on his Breakfast Club audition," Lorelai says. Best line of the episode. She tells him that Jess is "way more screwed up than [he] thinks he is." Luke asks what she said to him. She says that she told him he had a good thing going here and then he blew up. Luke asks what Lorelai is doing talking to Jess about things like that. Lorelai says she's trying to help Luke. Luke says he doesn't need Lorelai's help. Lorelai says that he does. Luke says that he doesn't want to hear this crap about him not being prepared. Lorelai says that this is the truth, and not crap. They put a cue card near the camera or someone interesting walked on the set right here because Lauren Graham looks right over and stares at the camera just then. I have it on pause and she's making eye contact with me. Luke says he knows what he's doing and he's tired of Lorelai being so condescending. He says that just because Lorelai has a kid doesn't mean she knows everything. Lorelai says that because she has a kid, she knows a little more than Luke does. Luke says that maybe Lorelai just got lucky with Rory. Getting pregnant at sixteen doesn't show a lot of good judgment skills, he adds. Lorelai wishes aloud for two pies. She tells him he won't have to hear her opinion on anything ever again. "Oh, don't tease," Luke says. Lorelai tells him to go find Jess, and he tells her she's not the boss of him. They storm off as we fade to commercial.

This is long, y'all. Okay. Luke's. Rory and Lorelai are standing outside Luke's. Rory tells Lorelai that she's being childish ("Am not!" Lorelai argues) and that they can't just ignore Luke for the rest of their lives. Rory says they'll starve without Luke's diner. Lorelai says it was a bad fight and that it wasn't Nick and Nora but rather Sid and Nancy. Rory says it's Danish day and they need to get their Danish. Lorelai tells Rory to go in and get two coffees and two Danish to go. "Scoot, scoot," she says. "Mommy's right here."

Rory walks up to the counter and orders. Luke asks whether one of the Danish is for Lorelai. Rory lies and says that they're all for her. She says she's really hungry today. Luke says that if Rory's that hungry she can sit and drink her coffee and eat her Danish and once she's finished an entire Danish he'll bring over her second one. Rory asks if he really wants to stand and watch her eat a Danish. Luke says that the cable is out and he's starved for entertainment. Rory says that the fight was no big deal and they should make up on Danish Day, the happiest of all days. Luke offers one Danish and one cup of coffee. Rory takes it and tells Luke he's being silly. He thanks her for sharing.

Outside, Rory says that Luke knew she was lying and only gave her one. Lorelai accuses Rory of doing the "blinking thing" which gives away that she's lying. Rory tells Lorelai to go in the diner and make up. Lorelai asks for half of Rory's coffee and Danish. Rory gives the Danish but keeps the coffee. Lorelai says there's no point in that. The Danish is lonely and sad. Rory leaves for the bus. Some kid walks by and Lorelai gets all weird. "Hey, kid! Come here!"

Inside the diner, Luke sees the kid pry his sleeve out of Lorelai's grip and haul ass down the street. She looks inside the diner and pouts. Luke shakes his head and then answers his ringing phone. It's Taylor. He's upset about something. Luke asks how he knows it was Jess. He says he'll talk to Jess, but if he says he didn't do it, then he's off the hook.

Chilton. Rory pauses before walking into Mustang Max's office. They get awkward, and she asks if she's too early and if she should come back tomorrow. They agree that it's weird and they don't know how to act. They sit. Rory says that Barbara Walters sits, but walks if the person she's interviewing has a horse or farm or big back yard, but she usually sits. Rory sits and takes out a tape player. She says she should just dive right in. She asks his full name. "Max Arturo Medina." Not "Maxwell"? He says his father's butcher was named Arturo and when his mother was pregnant with him, she wanted lamb chops all the time, so Arturo would give his mother the biggest lamb chops but only charge her for the regular ones, which made him a saint in the Medina home. Rory reminds Max that he's been voted the favorite teacher at Chilton. He says that he's glad the students like him as much as he likes them. Rory goes all James Lipton on Max and asks what he'd like to be if he weren't a teacher. He says his father wanted him to be a doctor and his mother wanted him to be the President and he wanted to be a clown. He says that when he was a kid, he went to the circus and saw a juggling clown and saw how everyone loved him and he wanted to be a clown until junior high because when you tell people you want to be a clown they get very nervous. Tell me about it. I stopped talking to this guy I know once he started taking classes to be a clown. He got married to a girl he met at the circus and they had a clown wedding. I didn't go because I knew I'd have nightmares. Rory tells a story about how Lorelai took her to the circus once and a clown accidentally knocked over her cotton candy. They didn't have a lot of money so they couldn't get another cotton candy, so Rory started crying and Lorelai chased the clown onstage, ripped off his wig, and said he couldn't have it back until he bought Rory another cotton candy. The clown bought one twice as big as the original and Rory puked the whole way home. Max smiles and says that sounds like Rory's mother. Rory asks whether he regrets not becoming a clown. Max says he doesn't really believe in regrets. He says everything that happens, even the stuff that doesn't happen the way he wanted it to turn out, is worth it. Rory turns off her tape recorder and says she wanted him to be her stepfather. He sighs and says he really wanted to be her stepfather. They smile and sigh and Rory turns the tape back on. She asks what kinds of challenges face high school students today. Max starts talking as we fade out of the scene. Y'all, I liked Max in that scene. It must be the Lorelai/Max thing that I don't like.