Fade in to Rory eating whipped cream from the can as Lorelai paints Rory's toenails. Rory asks why Lorelai is insisting on painting her toes. Lorelai explains that Rory is starting private school and that "everyone knows that private-school girls are bad. And bad girls wear red nail polish." This mother-daughter moment is interrupted by Lane, who runs up the porch carrying the new XTC album, Apple Venus Volume 2. Lorelai jumps up and woo-hoos and runs into the house with Lane. Rory complains about her half-finished paint job. As we hear the album kick up, we can see the shadows of Lane and Lorelai dancing on the other side of the window. Fade to black and opening credits.
While I'm humming along with Carole King, allow me to say that this second episode is a bit slower than the first and has some of the strangest transitions to commercial that I've ever seen.
Rory busts into Lorelai's bedroom and screams that it's 7:10. The "It's 7:10!" screaming argument continues while I get distracted by seeing Sally Struthers listed in the supporting cast in the credits. Lorelai keeps rolling around in the bed while Rory keeps screaming. If I had ever tried to wake my mother up by yelling the time over and over while beating her with a pillow I'd be so grounded that Chilton would have thought I had died. Lorelai says that it can't be 7:10 because she set the clock for 5:45. Rory holds up the blue fuzzy clock and shows the time. Lorelai whines, curses, and wiggles out of bed. Rory is still laying into Lorelai for oversleeping: "Do you know what happens when people are late for their first day?" Lorelai: "It's shorter?" Rory: "For the rest of the year they're labeled The Late Girl." Lorelai: "Oh, so dramatic." Rory continues to whine and yell while Lorelai said she had all sorts of plans to get up early and get coffee and pick up her clothes at the dry cleaners. It's silent for a second as Lorelai realizes that all of her nice clothes are at the dry cleaners. As Lorelai runs around complaining that her clothes are all gone, Rory goes into this very annoying "7:15, 7:16" sing-song brat that if I had tried at her age, I would have been spanked for every minute Lorelai was late and I was whining. Instead Lorelai calls Rory "Time Lady" and tells her to go warm up the car. As they yell at each other down the hall, Lorelai sits down, puts on her socks, and says to her clock, "This is the last time I buy anything just because it's furry."
Lorelai bounds down the stairs pulling her hair into a ponytail as Rory starts to give the time again. Lorelai says, "Don't even think of finishing that sentence." She's wearing a pink tie-dyed tiny top and frayed cut-off denim shorts. She grabs her coat, turns around and asks Rory, "What?" "Nothing. I just didn't know the rodeo was in town." Lorelai storms out of the house threatening to take Rory's baby picture with her to the school. Rory runs after her apologizing, saying that she loves the rodeo.
I think every show I've recapped has used this same small-town set for crane shots. While Lorelai drives the Jeep and babbles, we can't really hear her over the background music. Rory looks out the window and watches as she passes her old high school, with kids jumping and running all over the front steps like they go together like ramma-lamma-lamma-ka-dinga-da-ding-de-dong.
Fading shots and exterior of Jeep shots establish that they are driving to Hartford.
Close-up on a gargoyle sitting on top of a fence. Another gargoyle. Another. We are at Chilton. Rory and Lorelai sit in the front seat of the Jeep, peering up at the school. Rory: "I remember it...smaller." Lorelai: "Yeah! And less..." Rory: "'Off with their heads.'" Lorelai: "Yeah." Lorelai cocks her head to the side. Rory asks what she's looking at. "I'm just trying to see if there's a hunchback up in that tower." Rory asks how she looks. Lorelai tells her that she looks great and that she's an amazing kid and earned all of this. She tells her that she loves her and she'll pick her up after school. Rory whines that Lorelai has to go in and meet the headmaster. That's what all of the mothers do. "No! I look like that chick from The Dukes of Hazzard." Rory says, "You are not getting out of going in there with me. Period." Ooh, I would have been slapped so many times this morning if I had acted this way.
Lorelai gets out of the Jeep, and the Chilton mothers whisper and stare. Lorelai puts on her coat. As they look for the "big scary" building where the headmaster resides, they are stopped by a Friendly Man who tells them that they are standing in front of it. He introduces himself as "Ian Jack." His daughter Julia goes to Chilton. Her name is Julia Jack? Yikes. Lorelai introduces herself. They do the single-parent back-and-forth to find out if both are single and available. Rory says they have to go, and Lorelai starts to leave. She tells Ian where she works. As Ian says his goodbyes and leaves, Lorelai stands there beaming. Rory walks up and says, "You're feeling pretty good about yourself right now, aren't you?" "Yeah." "Do you want me to get you a mirror?" "I'm back. Let's go."
As Rory and Lorelai walk into Chilton they pass three snotty schoolgirls who all stop walking to turn around and stare snottily until they all turn back and stare at each other snottily. The bell rings and they walk off. Uh-oh. Looks like trouble wears plaid this episode. I don't know. I'm just trying to make a joke in this recap. It's really hard.
Lorelai and Rory walk up to the Headmaster's assistant and get spooked by her severe face. Lorelai stammers for about a minute and a half about who Rory is and how she got her name before Rory elbows her into asking for the Headmaster. The assistant stands up and creaks away. Lorelai says that the woman is a perfect example of why you shouldn't wear makeup to sleep.
Headmaster Charleston (but for some reason, you only say the "ton" part every once in a while and so quietly that I'm not sure if he's actually just "Headmaster Charles" or not) introduces himself at his doorway. Lorelai looks around and smiles and says it's nice to meet -- "Mom." Emily stands up and says she came to wish her granddaughter luck on her first day of school. Lorelai is not happy. Emily and the Headmaster are old friends. "Well, there's nothing like friends," Lorelai says. "Especially if they're old." Pause, pause, pause. "Friends." The Headmaster asks Lorelai to take off her coat and have a seat. She says she's fine. He apologizes for the heat and says that the school had the furnace going too high this morning. Lorelai says she likes it warm. Emily tells her to take off her coat and sit down so the headmaster doesn't think she's rude. Lorelai takes off her coat. Everyone looks uncomfortable because everyone knows you're not supposed to wear tie-dye after 1972. "Laundry day," I say with Lorelai. Emily begins bragging about Rory as they all start to sit down. Lorelai starts trying to say things, but she ends up just babbling about nothing until Rory shoots her a look. Emily says goodbye to the headmaster, wishes Rory good luck on her first day, and asks Lorelai if she needs a ride "or if [her] horse is parked outside." Lorelai stands up to leave and kisses Rory on the head. The headmaster says, "Oh, you don't want to forget your coat." Lorelai doubles in half, laughs, and comes back for the coat saying, "No, I don't. Because that would be embarrassing."
Emily and Lorelai bicker back and forth as they walk out of the school. Emily says she came to Chilton to put in a good word for Rory. Lorelai says that it wasn't necessary. Emily goes into the "so I can pay for the school but I can't come to the school" thing, which quickly escalates into Emily sectioning off parts of the city that she can and cannot go to because Rory might be around. Lorelai huffs and wiggles her arms in frustration. She apologizes and says she was just surprised to see her. As Emily turns to leave, she shouts over her shoulder, "Dinner. Friday night. No spurs, please." Lorelai huffs again as we quietly fade to commercial.
Rory is sitting in the headmaster's office (it's suddenly much darker outside) as he's going through her portfolio. Rory unfortunately doesn't have many after-school activities, so the headmaster asks about her aspirations. She wants to travel, to see things. She doesn't necessarily have to be in television or journalism, but she wants to go out and see the world. She wants to major in Journalism and Political Science. The headmaster, while clearly charmed by Rory's self-deprecating humor, stands up and goes on about how he's been very good friends with her grandparents for a long time. It doesn't mean she's going to get any special treatment. In fact, she'll probably fail this semester since she's already quite behind. He tells her that failing is a part of life, "but not a part of Chilton."
Rory brings her portfolio to the registration office, where it is quickly picked up by a student worker and tossed out the window to the waiting girls crouched in bushes. As one girl reads Rory's accolades aloud, the girl behind her begins complaining of spiders. "Lorelai Gilmore," she reads. "Nice stripper name," says another. They notice that Rory's a journalism major. "That means she's gonna go out for the school newspaper," says snotty blonde against the wall. Snotty blonde holding the portfolio snots back, "Not necessarily. She's got like, a thousand recommendations in here." "I hate nature!" the girl in the back shouts. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's spotting lines ripped-off from The Goonies. Snotty blonde with the portfolio wonders why the school is letting new kids in. It's just ruining the grade curve. They hand the portfolio back through the window.
Rory is getting her paperwork. She gets a locker, a schedule, and the words to the school song. She must be able to recite them on command, and if she knows the words in Latin she'll get extra credit. She's told that if she has any questions she can schedule a meeting with her guidance counselor: "He handles everything but pregnancy and bulimia. For that you'll have to go to the school nurse. Or Coach Rubins. Welcome to Chilton."
Lorelai enters the diner with her dry cleaning and sits down at the counter. She complains that she's had the longest day of her life and it's only ten in the morning. "There's no coffee," Mr. Nutrition says to her. She says that's not funny. He offers her some herbal tea. They go back and forth about coffee long enough for me to notice the new addition to the diner: a giant "No Cell Phones" sign that hangs in the back. It looks like it's been there for twenty years, which again makes me wonder why they'd distress a sign about a new technological device. He eventually tells her that he was kidding and goes back to get her coffee. "You're sick," she says. "You're sick. You're a sadist. You're a fiend!" He walks back in with the coffee pot. "You're pretty," she purrs. Mr. Nutrition asks if she knows what coffee does to her central nervous system. "Ooh, do you have a chart? Because I love charts." Lorelai tells Mr. Nutrition that Rory started Chilton. He starts asking her why she'd wear such an outfit to take Rory to Chilton. She says the fuzzy clock didn't purr on time. "Purr on time?" he asks. "It's fuzzy. It purrs." She decides not to justify her outfit any longer and leaves.
Outside Miss Patty's dance academy, the same exhausted six-year-olds are continuing their lessons. They march in place wearing pink outfits while Miss Patty tells an elaborate story about them marching in a Thanksgiving parade and the crowd loving them. She breaks for "cookie time" and has a cigarette. She says hello to Lorelai and asks if it's Rory's first day at Chilton. Lorelai says she just dropped her off. "Is that what you wore?" "Oh, look at the time. See ya, Patty." Miss Patty walks back into her studio and shouts that the girls need to put their leotards back on. "This is not Brazil!"
Lorelai gets out of her Jeep, struggles with her laundry, her coat, and her coffee, and walks back towards her house where the phone is ringing. It's Emily. She's going shopping and wants to buy Rory some clothes. Lorelai says that she bought Rory enough clothes and to not bother. Emily wants to buy some special Chilton clothes like the school sweater, book bag, and coat. Lorelai says that Rory will be fine without the extra clothes. They bicker. She tells Emily that a coat in a size six would be fine and hangs up.
I know that I'm not recapping the correct show here because this school actually has classes. Rory is in one right now, and the instructor is going through his lecture. Head Snotty Blonde is answering every single question in her snotty blonde way. They discuss Tolstoy and Dickens. Ryan Phillippe's doppelganger walks in and hands the instructor a late pass. As he walks to his desk he gives Rory a smirking once-over. He sits in the back and asks a friend, "Who's that?" "New girl." As the bell rings he says, "Looks like we got ourselves a Mary." The instructor calls Rory to the front of the class and hands her a giant binder full of materials from the last week. He says that there's a test the day but since she's new she can take a make-up exam on Monday. He also suggests that she borrow notes from a student, as they tend to be "more detailed." She looks at the giant binder and wonders how anything could be more detailed. He says he knows it appears daunting right now. She says she'll be fine.
As Rory walks into the hallway, Head Snotty Blonde, who introduces herself as Paris, immediately stops her. Never trust a girl named after a city. Paris asks if Rory is going out for the school paper. Rory says she'll have to find her locker first. Paris gives a snotty list of her snotty achievements as Rory tries to play it cool. Paris basically gives Rory the "don't fuck with me" speech about how she's the best and intends to stay that way. "This school is my domain," she says. One quick search for chilton.com proves Paris a liar, because that domain is actually registered to Chilton Software Engineering in Reston, Virginia. Paris snots off and Rory says to the hallway, "Guess you're not going to let me borrow your notes, huh?" Another strange, quiet fade to commercial.
I don't care how snotty the new school is, you generally don't get a smackdown like that on the first day. I moved an awful lot and was usually the new smart kid. The other smart kids just ignore you, hoping that if you don't meet anyone you can't borrow any notes and therefore you aren't going to do very well. They don't work by intimidation -- they work by isolation. If you think you're hated, you generally start to falter in school. This kind of attack tactic is reserved for '80s teen movies where someone just hates the movie's hero for no real reason. Like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Sookie goes through an elaborate peach-testing process as the fruit deliverer tells her that they're fine. Lorelai shows up in her suit and recaps the first half-hour about her cowgirl outfit. Michel shows up and announces that there's a phone call for Lorelai, adding "And if I have to fetch you like a dog I'd like a cookie and a raise." Lorelai leaves to take the call.
A group of elderly women stop Michel and kindly ask him if he knows where they could find the best antiques. "At your house, I'd guess," he replies, and walks off before they can, "Well, I never!"
Lorelai finds Emily waiting for her on the phone. She tries to talk to her but has to stop because the harp is too loud. She asks Alex Borstein (who now has a name -- Drella) if she'll "take it down a notch." Emily tells Lorelai that she just bought Rory a parking space. Lorelai says that Rory doesn't have a car. Emily says that Rory does have a birthday coming up. Lorelai interrupts Emily again to ask Drella to turn the harp-playing down. "Hey, do I look like I have 'Panasonic' stamped on my ass?" Drella shouts. Lorelai says that Rory doesn't need a car. Emily says she'll need it to get to school. Lorelai says Rory will take the bus. "Drug dealers take the bus," Emily says. I look outside my apartment window at the bus stop. Damn. Abandoned again. Lorelai gets off the phone. Drella plucks the strings pluckily. Smirk. Smirk.
Ryan Phillippe II, who I'll just call Philllipppe, walks down the hall calling Rory "Mary." She says her name is Rory. He offers his notes for their class if she needs them. "Really? That'd be great." "Yeah? How great?" Philllipppe starts moving in on Rory, pushing her up against the locker as she stammers. He offers to help her study. She says she views studying as something she'd do alone. He smiles and says, "Bye, Mary." "It's Rory!" she calls out.
Lorelai handles an argument between her valet and a tenant about a scratched car. She offers the guest some free food from Sookie's kitchen and turns on her little-girl charm, and the guy is suddenly all, "Aw, shucks, ma'am," and backs down. I don't care how Connecticut this city is, that's bullshit. The guest would already have an estimate drawn up and would be demanding a free room along with his free lunch, along with free rooms for all of his friends. The valet stammers an apology to Lorelai who says it's going to be just fine. Bullshit again, as the valet would quit before he took any guest yelling at him. The valet melts, flirts, blushes, and walks away. Michel walks up and Frenchly announces that Lorelai has a guest. It's the Chilton Dad. He just stopped by to meet a business partner because he thought, "Why not meet him in a beautiful inn?" He asks Lorelai to dinner. She says no because he's a Chilton Dad and doesn't want anything to go wrong for Rory when she's first starting out. He says that he's going to China for a week on business and when he gets back he's going to ask her again. He takes her card and says he'll call her soon. Lorelai watches him leave. "He does that so well." Michel says that she's making him sick. She asks him to walk so she can see his butt leave. He asks her to leave him alone as she prances behind him and teases.
Drella has a large gathering of guests watching her play. She gets to the climax of the song, drops the harp and shouts, "That's lunch."
Rory struggles with her new locker, which won't open no matter what combination she tries. She struggles until she yanks backwards, falling into Paris, who drops her giant project onto the floor. It's some sort of castle, and it's shattered. Rory keeps apologizing, saying it was an accident, as Paris is very quietly picking up the broken pieces. "Is there water in that moat?" Rory asks. "Get away from me," Paris sneers, and gets up and just leaves the broken project on the floor. I don't really understand how she's allowed to do that or why she'd do that, but I never got the permit to be Head Snotty Blonde at any of my schools, so I'm not exactly sure how the rules are listed for one.
Rory walks into her class and, sure enough, it's the same one that Paris is in. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me," Paris says. I can't believe she's not crying, screaming, and Veruca Salting all over the place, so she's some sort of "kick her ass later" smart-girl bully that we rarely saw in my parts. "Hey, Mary," Philllipppe sneers as she sits down. Rory pulls her skirt down over her knees. The instructor asks Paris for her project. Paris stands up and says she doesn't have it. The teacher asks if she had enough time to prepare for the project. Paris said she did. "And yet you don't have it done?" "Nope." The teacher announces that Paris will receive an incomplete. Rory stands up and says that it's her fault. The teacher asks who she is. As the "Are you a Rory or a Lorelai" thing goes on again for the third time in two episodes, Paris tells Rory to stay out of it. The teacher asks Rory when she wrecked the project. "Just now." "How convenient." Rory insists that it was her fault as Paris yells at her to stop. The teacher tells Rory she has until tomorrow to help Paris fix the project. Rory says that's fine. Paris continues to yell and snot that she doesn't want Rory's help and just wants her to stay out of it. How is she allowed to just yell at other girls like that? The teacher tells Paris that if she doesn't want Rory's help that she has until tomorrow to complete the project by herself. As Paris sits down, the teacher introduces Rory to the class. They all say in unison, "Hello, Rory," except for Philllipppe, who shouts above everyone, "Hello, Mary!" but in that "Hello, Nurse!" sort of way, instead of in that Jackee way that's my favorite. Strange, quiet fade-to-commercial.
Miss Patty stands in front of her girls, who are walking in a circle with books on their heads. "Now walk smooth, that's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die and there won't be any more books." She tells the passing Lorelai, "That's how you should have dressed this morning, Missy." Lorelai ignores her.
Lorelai enters the diner, and Mr. Nutrition asks what she's doing there. He hands her some coffee. She misses her lecture. He says his blood sugar is low, so he'll get back to her later. Lorelai recaps her day again, including the Chilton Dad. Mr. Nutrition is glad that she's not going out with the Chilton Dad. They flirt innocently until Lorelai gets a phone call so that Mr. Nutrition can point out the "No Cell Phones" sign. It's someone important, named Babette, on the phone, and Lorelai has to leave.
Lorelai pulls up in front of her house, and Sally Struthers is there holding a cat. I wish when I went home Sally Struthers was there holding a cat, apologizing for calling me and interrupting my day but she was just looking out for me. I wish Sally Struthers looked out for me. Fucking charmed Gilmore life. Sally Struthers says that there are some strange men walking around Lorelai's house, and one of them kicked over the lawn gnome. "I wouldn't trust these boys. Gnome kickin' says a lot about a person's character."
The Gnome Kickers are men in hard hats who have perfected the Gilmore dialogue style where you stand perfectly erect and deliver all lines without any sort of inflection, quite quickly, and with a slight move of the head or a hand, but not both at the same time. They are there to install DSL at Lorelai's house. Emily ordered it. They were told to look for a ceramic frog where they're be a key. He says they would have been done by now, but the frog search was taking longer than they thought. DSL Guy II shows up carrying a ceramic turtle and says he found the key. They argue over whether it's a frog or a turtle until Lorelai tells them she's going to cancel the order.
"Is there a problem?" Sally Struthers asks Lorelai as she walks back to her Jeep. "Oh, nothing Shakespeare couldn't turn into a really good play."
Back in class, Rory writes Paris a note apologizing once again and asking if she can help fix the project. Paris crumples the note and throws it down to the ground without looking at it. This seems to be all Rory needs to convince her just to beat 'em instead of joining 'em. As the teacher asks questions, Rory shouts out the answers before anyone can raise their hands, or more importantly, before Paris can snot out an answer first. The bell rings and Rory and Paris share snotty looks as they get up to leave. Paris gets in Rory's face and says, "Stay out of my way. I will make this school a living hell for you." Phillllipppe crosses behind, points and says, "See you tomorrow, Mary." New girls never get this much attention on the first day of school.
Lorelai marches into a salon, walks over to Emily, and knocks on her hair dryer. She tells Emily that she cancelled the DSL order. She says she likes her Internet slower. "We can turn it on, walk around, do a little dance, make a sandwich. With DSL, there's no dancing, no walking, and we starve. It'd be all work and no play. Have you not seen The Shining, Mom?" The bickering continues for a while as Lorelai says she'll be buying all of Rory's things for school, and she doesn't need Emily's help. Lorelai says she'll be making the decisions. She angrily asks if the salon validates parking. Emily angrily responds that there's a stamp by the door.
Lorelai picks up Rory from school. Rory drops her bag and hugs Lorelai. They share how much their days sucked. Lorelai starts to pull away, but Rory demands a longer hug. Lorelai grabs Rory's heavy bag and puts it in the Jeep. Rory recaps the episode and says that they kept calling her Mary. Lorelai says it means like Virgin Mary. "Means they think you look like a goodie-goodie." If they thought she was a slut they would have added a "Magdeline" to it. Rory says the Biblical insults prove this is a smart school.
Lorelai, Rory, and Lane walk down the street discussing school without Rory. They miss each other. Lorelai says that on Tuesdays and Thursdays, they could hang out in Hartford when she's in town for her Business Classes. Lane says she's late for dinner and gives Rory her cool clothes and hair accessories. She complains about the tofu her mother's feeding her these days and then walks off.
Rory says she wishes she knew how to get Paris off her back. Lorelai says she knew a Paris once. Rory asks how she took care of her. "I got pregnant and dropped out." Lorelai asks if she should call someone to help Rory with it. Rory says she'll take care of it. Lorelai asks Rory if she thinks Mr. Nutrition is cute. Rory says Lorelai can't date him because they'll break up and they'll never be able to eat there again. Rory tries to set up Lorelai with a different diner owner. As they giggle off into the distance, Mr. Nutrition walks out of the diner and watches the girls walk away.
week, Rory bonds with her grandfather. This, of course, causes more bickering between Lorelai and her parents. I'm starting to think I got robbed of a quirky, enriching, family-supported childhood. Rory doesn't watch nearly enough television to count as a teenaged girl.