Saint Clare, the Patron Saint of Television floats down beside me on my futon. She turns, takes my hand in her tiny grip and says, "You've been working very hard over the past year, pamie. I'm proud of you. I could have given you Titans. I want you to watch this instead."
"Saint Clare, I heard this show is Family Funded," I sneer.
"Yes, but they didn't really get to destroy the pilot. I'm sure they won't start making script changes until at least the third episode."
"Promise?"
"Just watch."
Welcome to Gilmore Girls.
The La's' "There She Goes" plays in the background. Pan down to an American flag over an All-American street. I give Saint Clare the stink-eye. She puts one finger over her lips and smiles. She kicks her tiny feet up and rests them on my remote control. Some kid picks up his skateboard and watches both ways before he crosses the street. Locals are dressed in winter clothing. Pan over to a sign that reads, "Stars Hollow Founded *1779*." We follow a woman's back as she walks into a diner. She takes off her coat and drops it on the table and turns into a close-up as we watch her clutch her coffee cup to her chest. Behind the diner counter, a man pours a cup of coffee. The woman smiles and wiggles up to the counter. He sees her and starts to walk away. She pouts and says, "Please, Luke. Please, please, PLEASE." He asks how many cups she's had today. She says she hasn't had one...after the five she already had. She says his coffee is better. "You have a problem," he says to her. "Yes, I do," she agrees as she holds out her cup. He takes the cup and fills it, while calling her "Junkie." She smiles and calls him an angel. She tells him that he has "wings, baby," and walks away yanking off her cap. A phone call takes him away.
As the woman sips her coffee, another man at the bar -- I'll just call him Flannel because that's the most obvious thing he's wearing -- starts walking over to her. "You make that look really good," he says. Ew. She says it's the best coffee in town. He says he's just passing through on his way to Hartford. She calls him "a regular Jack Kerouac." "Yeah," he smiles and nods, because he thinks he is. The woman (I've waited long enough for us to learn her name. It's Lorelai.) rolls her eyes as he asks if he can sit down. She tells him she's meeting someone. He sits down and introduces himself as Joey. "Okay!" Lorelai smiles. "What, you don't have a name?" he asks her. She says she does, but she's really meeting someone. He says then he should go, calls her "Mystery Woman" and walks away. She says to her cup that she likes that name. I'd like it too; it's easier to spell.
Another girl walks in and sits down as Joey walks off. "Hey, it's freezing," she says. And it takes too long before they say her name, so I'll just let you know that it's Rory, Lorelai's daughter [Pamie inserts the word "Lorelai" into her F6 button...]. Lorelai asks what Rory needs. "Hot tea? Coffee?" "Lip Gloss." Lorelai pulls out four different flavors ("Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and toasted marshmallow") and Rory asks if Lorelai has a flavor that isn't a breakfast cereal. Lorelai pulls out another giant makeup bag and says, "It has no smell, but it changes colors with your mood." Rory says that "RuPaul doesn't need this much makeup," but she puts the accent on "Ru" so I had to listen twice to know who she was talking about. Lorelai says that Rory is crabby. Rory apologizes and says that she lost her Macy Gray CD and she needs caffeine. Lorelai pulls Rory's CD out of her purse. "Thieve," Rory says. She uses the verb instead of the singular form of the word. Or she used the plural form and took off the plural part. I don't know. That's what she says. ["Maybe it's a little-known feminine version of the word?" -- Wing Chun] Lorelai apologizes and goes to get Rory some coffee. This starts up the banter about coffee again from the Meddling Diner Guy, who I will now call Mr. Nutrition. Lorelai instead calls him "Officer Krupke," which makes me smile. She promises it's for Rory. She turns around to find Joey now hitting on Rory. "He's got quite a pair, this guy," she says to no one, and walks back to the table. Lorelai tells Joey that he really likes her table. She introduces Rory as her daughter. "Are you my new daddy?" Rory asks, just like all of the promos have promised. Joey says that Lorelai doesn't look old enough to have a daughter and that Rory doesn't look like a daughter. "That's possibly very sweet of you," Lorelai deadpans. Joey mentions that he's travelling with a friend. "She's sixteen," Lorelai says. Joey and friend high-tail it out of the diner as the La's kick up again and Lorelai sits to Rory and giggles. Fade to black.
I'm having to add every character name in this show to my computer's dictionary or the entire recap looks like I've written it in red font.
This isn't fair. The theme song. It's Carole King's "Where You Lead," which I LOVE. It's one of my favorite songs. I can't complain here. Man, this doesn't feel like a recap yet. I mean, I'm writing down what's happening, and I'm watching the tape in tiny spurts and I'm sitting on my futon and my cats are asleep, but...where's the burning? Where are the tears? Where is the exasperation? The screaming, the yelling, the burning of the flesh? It just doesn't feel like a recap. Saint Clare nudges my knee with her elbow. "I figure we owed it to ourselves. I added the song. Thought you'd like that."
Saint Clare and I do two shots of kamikazes.
Looking through the opening credits also tells me that Gilmore Girls might be the most ethnically diverse cast in WB history. This probably seals its untimely fate.
Pan up to the exterior of an inn. Lorelai walks through the lobby and hands a bellman something. As she's walking by, I see Alex Borstein's name flash on the screen. I'm weakening, here. Now, you may know Alex as Mad TV's Mrs. Swan, but I still know her as the very nice girl that comes to all of my comedy troupe's festivals and hangs out with us and is a good friend. See? This was never discussed before. How am I supposed to recap a friend? Man! The Reservations manager (who I'll save you time in telling you that his name is Michel Gerard (can I get a normal spelling around here, please?)) is on the phone telling a customer that they are completely booked. He says that there is a wedding party in the hotel that weekend and that the customer will have to pick another weekend. He says he's sure. He's positive. He doesn't have to look, he just knows. He tells her that if it will make her happy, he'll look. He puts the phone down for three seconds, picks it back up and says, "No, I am sorry. We are all booked." Hee. Reservation Manager humor.
"Oh no, don't move. Just ignore the tiny woman pushing around the two-hundred pound instrument." It's Alex. She's pushing a harp through the crowded lobby. "Ah, that's it, Lady. Tie your shoe NOW!" The bent-over lady moves out of Alex's way. Lorelai walks over to Alex. Lorelai stops her and says she was just wondering if she could be "nicer" to the guests. "I'm sorry. Did you not want a harp player?" Alex asks. Lorelai: "Yes, I did." Alex: "And, did you not want a great harp player?" Lorelai: "Yes, I did." Alex: "Okay. I am a great harp player. And this is my great harp. 'Kay? So if you're looking for someone to be [insert finger quotes here] nice [end finger quoting] to the guests, get a harmonica player. 'Kay? Or maybe some guy who whistles through his nose. Capisce?" She pushes Lorelai out of the way with her harp, and continues to complain about the lobby. She compliments the architect on his lovely placement of giant tables in the middle of rooms.
Back in Reservation Wacky, Michel is still on the phone with the woman, telling her that he can't possibly do anything for her unless she picks another weekend. The only way that he could get her a room is if he built one himself and he's "not a man who works with his hands." He asks her to pick another weekend. Any other weekend. She picks another weekend. He looks it up. It's booked. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaah. Lorelai asks whether the plumber has been to room 4 yet. Michel says that the plumber "was here, he did nothing, it's two hundred dollars." He hands her the phone. She calls the plumber and sweet-talks him into not charging her for the lack of maintenance. She kisses Rory hello. Michel asks what Lorelai what "[her] offspring is doing." "I need stamps. Can I take these?" "Nooooo," Michel sings. "Take them," Lorelai says, exerting her authority. She points at Rory's cable-knit sweater and asks, "What's with the muumuu?" Rory and Lorelai exchange more fashion banter until Rory turns to leave. Lorelai tells Rory to let Michel (pronounced "Michelle," the French way) look at her French paper before she leaves. "Excuse me?" he asks, while sorting reservation cards. "That'd be great!" Rory says. "No," Michel says Frenchly. Lorelai batters him by speaking in a terrible French accent until he says he'll look at it if he gets a chance. Rory gives him a few orders to make her mother proud and then walks away. Lorelai stares at the working Michel for a few seconds until he says, "I despise you," but he says it in that cute French questioning way, so Lorelai smiles.
Cut to the school. Just as some kid goes by in a Razor scooter and some girl is about to ask Rory a question, my cable goes out. It won't be out for long, so I want to take this opportunity to get all paranoid on you. Clearly, someone knew I'd be recapping this show. Either that, or they wrote it in hopes that I'd recap this show. There's too much me in this show so far to make me think it's purely coincidence. First of all, my parents are in Hotel Management. In fact, it's where they met. I often lived in hotels and knew the Reservation Manager by name, and had desk clerks help with homework and knew bellmen's names and all of that. My mother listened to Carole King's Tapestry every night before she'd go to bed, and "Where You Lead" was one of the songs that we'd sing together in the car. My friend is the crazy-wacky harp lady. The show is set in Connecticut, which is where both of my parents are from, which is where they met while they both worked at a hotel. Change Hartford to Stratford and you've got the makings of my life. This can't all be the work of Saint Clare. This is hard to recap, people. I'm used to cracking jokes and wailing and cursing and generally snarking the shit out of a recap. I've got nothing so far. Nothing! My only solace is that I have the reputation of being the MBTV Kiss of Death, so this show will certainly go down in about five episodes. And since it's Family Funded and on opposite Friends, certainly the WB agrees with me. They just want to bring back Young Americans for me, I just know it.
Cable's back. Rory is walking to school with her friend. I don't know what they just discussed. Sorry. Call Time Warner Cable in Austin if you've got a complaint. From what I can gather, Rory's friend has to go on a date (at a hay-ride) with a sixteen-year old future doctor and his older brother because her parents want her to date him. Rory says she doesn't understand the appeal of hay-rides, since you have a "bundle of sticks up your butt." Rory and friend pass a boy with hair in his eyes and he watches Rory walk up the stairs.
See? This school has classes. This is the opposite of every show I've ever recapped. The teacher is telling the students they can either read the end of Huckleberry Finn or start on the essay. The girls in the back rows are passing around a bottle of nail polish and each just painting one stripe on one finger. They snicker in Rory's direction and ponder whether she's working on a love letter, a diary, a slam book, or something juicier. One girl leans in and expresses her disappointment that Rory's working on the assignment. They all get grumpy and face forward. Rory gets a self-satisfactory grin and goes back to her writing. I guess from that we're supposed to guess she's not popular, but really if she weren't popular, they would have totally ignored her while they each painted a nail.
Alex is playing the harp. A guest tells her that it's beautiful. Alex picks up a coffee can and tells the guest to tell it to the tip jar.
As Lorelai is telling the bellman how to prepare a room for a special guest she hears a loud crash from the kitchen. She walks in and finds the cook, Sookie (Another name to add to the computer's dictionary), on the floor, covered in pots and pans. She says she's okay. Lorelai yells at one of the chefs for not watching her. She tells Sookie to be more careful. Sookie says she fixed the peach sauce. She's one of those happy, chubby cooks who's all clumsy and happy and doesn't care that she's bleeding, which she currently is. She dismisses it as one of her stitches opening and says that she was using too much maple syrup in the sauce. Sookie hands Lorelai the pot and tells her to try the sauce. They both taste from the spoon and put the spoon back into the pot as Sooki declares she's going to use that sauce the day. Um, hi. You both just put your mouths on the spoon and then put it back in the sauce. Lorelai declares the sauce to be delicious and says that someday, when they open their own inn, "diabetics will line up" to eat it. She tells Sookie she has to live long enough to see their own inn, and starts to pick Sookie up to take her to the doctor. Sookie steps on her own thumb, and then gets up.
Rory and her friend are making fun of the popular girls' nail polish as they walk into "Kim's Antiques." There is much yelling and shouting as the girls try and locate Rory's friend's mom. "Lane!" "Mom?" "Lane?" "Mom?" "Lane? Where are you?" "Back here!" "Over here!" The shop is just too big and cluttered for them to find each other, so they decide to meet in the kitchen. Lane tells her mother that she brought Rory with her, and you can hear the disappointment in Lane's mom's voice. Rory says she can't believe her mother still hates her after all these years. Lane says she doesn't hate Rory. "She hates my mom," Rory says. Lane says, "She doesn't trust unmarried women." Rory points out that Lane is an unmarried woman. Lane retorts, "I'm hay-riding with a future proctologist. I have potential." Hee. Lane's mom has made muffins without sugar, dairy or wheat. She says you have to dip the muffins in the tea to make them soft enough to eat, but that they are very healthy. She asks if anyone got pregnant or dropped out in school today. Rory says that Joanna Bosner was "glowing a little." MamaLane turns and says, "What?" Lane says, "Nothing, Mama. She's just kidding." MamaLane scolds, "Boys don't like funny girls." See? I'm telling you, they wrote this for my demise. I don't know how to recap writing that's decent. Someone shows up in the shop so MamaLane has to leave, but tells the girls to eat the muffins now because they're only good for twenty-four hours. Shouting and attempting to locate one another inside the massive antique shop starts up again as the girls smirk at each other.
Sookie almost chops off her hand as one of her chefs scolds her to be careful. This scene is like out of a Robin Williams movie. As Sookie walks around preparing food, her two chefs follow her around and move danger out of her way. They close shelves, they duck, they open doors, they prepare hot panhandles with rags. Sookie knocks a pail off a shelf with a pan, almost hits herself on something until Mike saves her, and then promptly smacks Mike in the face with a frying pan as Lorelai calls her name. Oh, they had to go with the frying pan to the face, did they? They were doing so well, and then they went with the frying pan to the face. Complete with Foley artistry and everything. They built this city on hack and schmaltz. Lorelai tells Sookie that Rory got into the Chilton School. I add "Chilton" to my spellcheck. Lorelai reads the entire acceptance letter including, "P.S.: Thought we'd add a little foreshadowing by telling you that you have to send in lots of tuition money immediately before Rory can go to school here. Love, Chilton." Lorelai asks if something's burning. Sookie says it was her bangs earlier, but to go on. Lorelai gets in this incredible daylight shot that just glows on her face only as she says, "This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all of the things that I never got to do and I can resent her for it and then we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship." From here on out everyone talks very, very quickly. For the rest of the episode. Giggling ensues until Rory walks in. Rory notes that Lorelai is happy. "Did you do something slutty?" she asks. "I'm not that happy." More giggling. Lorelai hands Rory a bag. Inside is a plaid skirt. Rory asks if she's going to be in a Britney Spears video. Sookie tells her that she got into Chilton. She starts on Monday. Rory is very happy, and everyone hugs, and everyone "I love you"s and people beam and the Family Friendly Forum's Script Development Fund sits back on its high horse and grins with a knowing, approving nod. Everyone leaves so Sookie can begin the "Rory's going to Chilton" cheer, as she tosses a rag onto the stove, it sets ablaze, and one of the chefs puts the flame out. And with that good wholesome fun over, why don't we all sit down with our families and share a cold beverage? That's what the commercials are for, you know. Sharing good times with our families.
Reservation FunLand. Michel is not answering the phone on purpose. Lorelai tells him to answer it. Michel says that the customers are never nice to him. Lorelai says that the unemployment agency people are very nice. Michel answers the phone.
Lorelai is in a hallway on the phone. She is calling Chilton and says that she's pleased that Rory has been accepted but "that is a lot of zeros behind that five." She asks if she can just do a partial payment. She says that she doesn't have enough time to "pull a bank job" by Monday. She then has to explain her joke to the Chilton lady. She asks the woman to not give up Rory's spot. She hangs up and pouts.
That night, on the porch outside the Gilmore house Lorelai asks Sookie what she should do. After deciding that Sookie's car isn't worth selling, Sookie begins to suggest that Lorelai call a certain person, but Lorelai goes right into the Dr. Evil "Zip it" bit and Sookie doesn't get a word in. Lorelai says "there are several chapters in a Stephen King novel" that she'd reenact before she resorted to "that option." Sookie drops it as Rory walks up and asks how she looks in her plaid skirt. "I think it makes you look smart!" Sookie smiles. "Okay, no more wine for you," Rory says. Lorelai says she looks like she was "swallowed by a kilt." Rory folds and says that Lorelai can hem it. "A little." Lorelai claps with glee. As they get ready to hem Rory goes on and on about the things she did since it was her last day of public school. She even dressed for gym and played volleyball. She says that it's a good thing she never participated in school sports before, because she sucks at them. Lorelai says that she gets that from her. I download a half-naked picture of Verve because I'm starting to feel sick without mostly naked teens on my television. "Where's your pate?" Sookie asks. "At Zsa-Zsa Gabor's house," Lorelai says. Sookie offers to make duck, and Lorelai says she'll eat it as long as it's made with chicken. Sookie leaves, taking her big ball of fun with her. As Rory trots off to check out her pinned hem she turns around and prisses, "I love being a private-school girl!" Lorelai gets all depressed and turns to stare at the pictures on the mantle beside her.
Whoa! We're going into the picture! But it's not a flashback. We're just at her parents' house. Mansion. Whatever, it's big. Lorelai sits on her Jeep and drinks some coffee for a little while. She then musters up some strength.
MamaLorelai answers the door and says she didn't know it was Easter already. Lorelai says she just finished up her business class and thought she'd stop by. Mommy Dearest gives a "Well, isn't that nice?" and lets her come in. She gives her daughter a once-over as she shuts the door.
"The place looks great," Lorelai says. "It hasn't changed," says Mommy Dearest. "Well, there you go...How are the girls at the bridge club?" Lorelai small-talks. "Old," curts Mommy Dearest. "Well...good." Uncomfortable silence in the living room. Lorelai and her mother sit across from each other. Mommy Dearest asks Lorelai about her business class. Lorelai says that she takes it twice a week: "I'm sure I told you." "Well, if you're sure then you must have," snips Mommy Dearest. Uncomfortable silence. "Would you like some tea?" Mommy Dearest asks. "I would love some coffee," Lorelai replies.
Dad walks in and gives Lorelai's mother a name: Emily. Lorelai says hello to her father. He asks if it's Christmas already. Emily mentions Lorelai's business class and says she was stopping by to see them. "What business class?" Emily says that Lorelai told them about it already. He says he doesn't remember. Lorelai says she came for a reason. "You need money," Dad says. "I have a situation," Lorelai stammers. "You need money," Dad repeats. Lorelai asks if he'll sit down and listen. She says that Rory got accepted to Chilton. Emily says it's a wonderful school and just five minutes from their home. Lorelai explains that she needs to pay the tuition fee immediately or she loses her spot. "So," Dad sing-songs, "You need money." "Yeah," Lorelai says, defeated. She defends by saying it's not for her, it's for Rory, and that she doesn't usually ask for favors. Emily says she knows that she doesn't ask for favors, and says they'll give her the money. And then they lay down the condition: Emily says that to have the money, Lorelai will have to come to dinner with Rory every Friday night and call once a week to tell her what's going on in their lives. She says that if Lorelai thinks that's a reasonable offer, then she can show up tomorrow night to pick up the check. Otherwise she can't have the money. Lorelai says she doesn't want Rory to know she borrowed money. Emily asks if seven is an okay time. "Perfect." As Dad goes to the paper, Lorelai stares at the family painting on the wall as we fade to commercial.
I really want something to pick on at this point, as it feels like I'm letting you guys down. Is this what it's like to recap The West Wing? Okay, it's not like this show is The West Wing or anything, but I'm not used to dealing with natural plot progression. Sure, it's a bit hokey, and the plot's not entirely original, but compared to what I've been dealing with over the past year, it's quite jarring. Maybe the Family Friendly Forum's Script Development Fund is lulling me into a Stepford Wife kind of serenity.
Even the commercials are wholesome. AOL and Applebees? What is happening to the WB?
Rory gets her things out of her locker as she's bragging about her private school to Lane. She's bragging about dressing alike and not being judged for your clothing. Lane says it sounds just a bit "Amish." Lane says her mother's pretty happy that Rory is changing schools; she's throwing a party on Friday. She's off to a pre-hay-ride cup of tea with the future doctor. "How do I look? Korean?" "Spitting image." "Good."
Rory squats down to pick up a few things that have fallen out of her box. She startles when she realizes someone is standing to her. "God! You're like Ruth Gordon just standing there with the Tannis root. Make a noise!" "Rosemary's Baby," the boy says to her. She looks up as she stands very slowly and says, "Yeah." "Well, that's a great movie," the boy says. He's the boy from earlier, who was staring. He's got that teen boy hair that every boy I ever had a crush on had, where the front of the hair hangs down too low and he's got to tuck the ends behind his ears, but whenever he leans towards you his hair falls forward and he has to brush it back. Oh, God, y'all. This show is making me fifteen. What am I, like, totally going to do now? Gah. He asks her if she's moving. She says her books are. He says he just moved from Chicago. "Chicago," Rory says. "Windy. Oprah." Hee. He introduces himself as Dean. "Hi," she says. CuteDean looks back and waits for her to say her name. "Oh, Rory. Me. That's, that's me." "Rory," he says, in some strange Ricky Martin moment. Rory explains that her name is actually Lorelai, because when her mom was in labor she thought about how men name their kids after themselves all of the time, so women should do that too, and that Rory is named Lorelai in some sort of feminist gesture, but Rory thinks that Demerol probably had something to do with it. Rory's talking all fast because CuteDean is cute. "I never talk this much," she finishes. Dean says he has to go. "I gotta go look for a job." "Okay, good," Rory says. As he walks off she suggests he go talk to Miss Patty, who works at the dance studio and used to dance on Broadway. He says he's not much of a dancer. She knows what's going on in town and could tell him if someone's looking. He thanks her and asks what she's doing now. "Nothing...much...I should throw this away at some point." He asks if she can show him where Miss Patty works. She stops herself from stammering to walk him out the door. Man, that scene was cute.
As CuteDean carries Rory's box he asks if she always lived there. She says that she was born in Hartford which is "thirty minutes away without traffic." "Really?" "I timed it." It's like five minutes of "I carried a watermelon."
"So do you like cake?" Rory asks CuteDean. "What?" She stammers and points at the shop they're passing. She tells him that they make really good cakes there. "Very...round." He says he'll have to try them. Rory cracks, "Make a note. You wouldn't want to forget where the round cakes are." I expect him to ask her at this point if she's retarded, but he doesn't. Instead he laughs and asks how she's liking Moby Dick. She asks how he knew she was reading it. He says he's been watching her. "Watching me?" she repeats. "I mean, not in a creepy like, 'I'm watching you' sort of way, I just, I noticed you," he explains. I'm now in love with CuteDean. He says that he knows that she sits under this tree and reads after school, and last week she was reading Madam Bovary and this week it's Moby Dick and that she's nice to look at and he admires her concentration. One time last week two guys were throwing a football over her and one guy hit the other in the face and there was blood everywhere and the nurse came over and his girlfriend was screaming and everyone was freaking out.
But she just sat there and read. She never looked up: "I thought, 'I have never seen someone read so intensely before in my life. I have to meet that girl.'" She stammers that maybe she didn't look up because she's "unbelievably self-centered." He says he doubts it. Y'all, seriously. I'm in love. Where were those boys when I was in high school? I read! I read all the damn time! Maybe not under a fruity tree, but I was reading all over the place! You know what they called me? Encyclopedia Pam. That's what they fucking called me. No, "I have to meet that girl." That didn't happen. Hey, Family Friendly Forum: quit getting girls' hopes up about being a reader and then finding a guy who will carry your heavy box and tell you it's fascinating to watch them read. "So, did I ask you if you like cake?" "Yeah, you did." "Oh. 'Cause they got really good cake back there."
Lorelai and Rory sit at the diner and they're both pouty. Lorelai says that Rory was late getting home. Rory says that she went to the library. Lorelai says that they're having dinner with "the grandparents" tomorrow. Rory says there aren't any holidays in September. Lorelai snaps that it's not a holiday thing. Rory apologizes as Mr. Nutrition brings over some food, declares that red meat will kill them, and walks away. Lorelai says she finished hemming Rory's skirt. Rory says that she might have had plans the night. Lorelai says that she would have known if Rory had plans. Rory says that she doesn't tell Lorelai everything. There is more snapping back and forth until Lorelai says she "had plans on being the bitch tonight." "Just tonight?" Whoa, that would have resulted in a slap across my face. Hey, FFF: back-sassing kids weren't tolerated in my Family's Friendly Forum. I wasn't allowed to watch Diff'rent Strokes for that very reason. Lorelai asks Rory what's wrong with her. Rory says she's not sure if she wants to go to Chilton. She says that the timing is bad and the bus ride is really long. She says they shouldn't be spending that kind of money right now. Lorelai asks about Harvard. Rory says she might be able to get into Harvard anyway. Lorelai says that she has it covered. Rory says that she still doesn't want to go. Lorelai says she has to go. Rory stops her to say that they have to pay first. Lorelai drops some money and walks out.
The hay-ride passes Rory and Lorelai. Lane is very mopey between her two dates. They stop by Miss Patty's as she instructs her child dancers. You may remember Miss Patty from The John Larroquette Show. Then again, you might not. ["I did!" -- Wing Chun] Miss Patty tells Rory that she might have found a job for her "male friend." She keeps talking about the job but Lorelai keeps interrupting to ask, "What male friend?" Miss Patty says that CuteDean is "cute" and that Rory has good taste. Rory starts to storm away, but Lorelai says, "You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo-Jo to get away from me."
Rory slams the door to the house as Lorelai says, "This is about a boy! Of course!" Rory says that she's going to bed. Lorelai keeps babbling on about how, "You're me." "I'm not you." Lorelai says she's going to throw away important things for a cute boy, which is just what she did. She asks if the cute boy has dark hair, dark eyes, and is just a little dangerous. Rory declares the conversation over. Lorelai keeps following and says that tattoos are good, too. Rory says she's already told her all of the reasons she doesn't want to go to Chilton, but if Lorelai doesn't believe her, that's fine. Rory slams her bedroom door as Lorelai asks, "Does he have a motorcycle? Because if you're going to throw your life away, he'd better have a motorcycle!"
Lorelai walks into Rory's room. "Well, I think that went pretty well, don't you?" Lorelai sighs. "Thanks for the knock," Rory mutters. Lorelai says that she wants to start the whole conversation over again and just hear about the boy, and she promises not to freak out. Rory won't talk to her, so Lorelai continues to babble. She says that she's a big fan of guys. She always has been: "You don't get knocked up at sixteen" if you're not a fan. She says that guys will always be there, though, so right now Rory has to make school more important. Rory pulls out her book and declares that she's going to sleep. Lorelai says she needs Rory to continue being the sensible one in the house. There are some catty remarks made back and forth as Lorelai tries to get Rory to talk to her. Rory asks to be left alone. Lorelai stands up and says there was always a democracy in the house before, but she's going to play the Mom Card and Rory's going to Chilton whether she wants to or not. "We'll see!" "Yeah, we will!" The door slams. Rory smacks on her radio, and Macy Gray's "I Try" starts playing.
Downstairs, Lorelai walks over to her radio, smacks it on and Macy Gray's "I Try" starts up. Hee. Lorelai pouts on the couch, as both girls wonder where the games, changes and fears will go from here and when do they stop. Commercial break.
Who told Sprint that we would buy phone service from Colonel Mustard?
Family Game Night might become your favorite night of the week. You can't spell Family Fun without "Family" or "Fun!"
Sookie set another fire. Wah-wahhhh. The stove is ruined and Sookie demands to have the cost pulled from her paycheck. Lorelai says she'll do it and Sookie complains. Lorelai says she's not going to pull the stove from her paycheck but she's tired and cranky. Sookie and Lorelai discuss whether or not her and Rory actually had a fight until Michel comes over and announces that Rory is sitting in his chair.
Lorelai tells Rory that she kind of misses her muumuu. Rory asks why she Lorelai left her a note to meet her there. Lorelai asks if she wants to make a little extra cash by working that day. They get snarky on each other until Lorelai tells Rory to go home and be ready for dinner at seven. They "fine" each other and Rory leaves. Michel swoops in, sits down, exhales and says, "Ah. My chair." But in that funny, French way.
Rory and Lorelai stand in front of her parents' house for a while. Lorelai holds her coffee. Rory asks, "So, do we go in, or do we just stand her all night reenacting The Little Match Girl?" Lorelai asks Rory to be civil through dinner and then on the way home she can "pull a Menendez." It suddenly dawns on me that Rory is the new Darlene. They ring the doorbell. Emily declares them "right on time." Emily tells Lorelai to throw away her plastic coffee cup, "in the kitchen." As she pulls Rory away and asks to talk about Chilton, Lorelai rebelliously tosses the cup into the trashcan in the hallway.
"You're tall," Grandpa says to Rory upon seeing her. "I guess," she says. He asks her how tall she is. "Five seven." "That's tall. She's tall." Lorelai : "Hi, Dad." Grandpa: "Lorelai, your daughter's tall." Lorelai concurs: "I know. It's freakish. We're thinking of having her studied at MIT." "Ah," approves Grandpa. Emily serves champagne. They toast Rory's new phase in life. They sit in the living room. "An education is the most important thing in the world," Emily says. "to family." "And pie!" Lorelai chimes in. She sits and giggles as everyone stares. She says it was a joke. "Ah," Grandpa says, and hands Rory some of his newspaper.
At dinner, there's small talk. Lorelai says the potatoes could use a little salt. More small talk. Grampa brings up "Christopher," who is doing very well in California. He tells Rory that her father is very talented and smart. He tells her that she must take after her father. Lorelai stands up and says she's going to get a Coke. "Or a knife." It used to be that when I typed the word "Coke" it instantly made teenagers take off their clothes. No longer. Sadly.
Lorelai cries and scrubs a pan in the sink. "Hi, how're you doin'?" she asks the kitchen help.
Uncomfortable silence at the dinner table. Rory starts to get up to go talk to Lorelai but Emily says she'll do it. She tells Rory to keep her grandfather company.
Emily tells Lorelai to come back to the table. Lorelai says that she doesn't appreciate being attacked. Emily says that Lorelai is being very dramatic. This starts off a fight that consists mostly of someone making a bold declaration, followed by the other person repeating the bold declaration in a question form, asking another question and then making another bold declaration.
In the dining room, Rory listens to the strains of the argument.
Lorelai says that Emily pounces on every word she says. Emily says that Lorelai barely spoke all night. "You said 'Pie.'" Hee. She said it all funny with her face pulled back. All, "Piiiiie." Hee. I hope after this show is over my mom's finished making me some popcorn and she'll braid my hair and we'll pretend my dad is a pony and we'll trample across the newspaper on the floor and we'll save the castle from the monsters under my bed! Lorelai asks why her father brought up Christopher. "He likes Christopher." Lorelai says they didn't like him when she got pregnant. Emily says that of course they didn't like him then, but they both had bright futures. Lorelai says, "Yes, and by not getting married, we got to keep those bright futures." Emily says that they should have gotten married and that every child deserves a mother and a father. She says that they both would have been more successful if they had gotten married because Christopher would have gone into Grampa's insurance business and Rory could have had more opportunities and Lorelai would have had a "lovely" life. ["Man, I could get into it here, but I'll confine myself to saying that my mom never married my biological father, and I turned out just fine. I'm glad that Emily's position is being presented as a CROCK." -- Wing Chun] Lorelai says that Christopher didn't want to be in the insurance business and that she does have a lovely life. Emily says that Lorelai took Rory away from her and kept her out of their lives. Lorelai says that Emily wanted to control her. Emily reminds Lorelai that she was just a child. "I stopped being a child the minute that strip turned pink," Lorelai over-dramatizes, which the director gives a quiet moment to let us find "chilling and deep." She says that she did well and found a good job. Emily snorts, "As a maid. With all your brains and talent." Lorelai says she worked her way up and now runs the place. Emily says that Lorelai could have had a really good life from the beginning if she wasn't too proud to take help from anyone. Lorelai says that she wasn't too proud to come begging for money to put Rory in Chilton.
Out in the dining room, we are reminded that Rory can hear the kitchen conversation.
"Well, fine. You have your precious pride, and I have my weekly dinners. Isn't that nice? We both win." Emily leaves. Lorelai tries not to cry.
Rory sits at the table. Grandpa has fallen asleep.
Rory and Lorelai walk outside. Rory asks if she's okay. Lorelai asks if she looks shorter: "Because I feel shorter." Rory offers to buy coffee. Lorelai tells her she'll have to drive because she doesn't think her feet will reach the pedals. They walk to the car with their arms around each other.
As they walk into the diner, Rory tells Lorelai in their rapid-fire banter that she basically heard everything. She tells Lorelai that she thinks it was really brave of Lorelai to ask her mother for money. She asks how many meals it'll take to pay it all off. Lorelai cracks, "I think the deli spread at my funeral will be the last one." Lorelai realizes that this means Rory's going to Chilton. "Can't let a perfectly good plaid skirt go to waste," Rory deadpans. Mr. Nutrition walks over to take the order and is wearing a collared shirt and his hair is back. Lorelai smiles and says that he looks "nice. Really nice." Mr. Nutrition says he had to go to the bank: "They like collars." He says that she looks nice too. "I had a flagellation to go to," Lorelai says, and orders coffee. Rory orders coffee and chili fries. "It's quite a refined palate you've got there," opines Mr. Nutrition. Lorelai asks about CuteDean. Rory says that she really likes how in their relationship they both respect each other's boundaries and don't have to tell each other everything. "So, tell me about the guy." "Mom!" "Is he dreamy?" "Ugh, that's so Nick at Nite." Lorelai: "I'm gonna find out anyway." Rory: "How?" Lorelai: "Uh! I'll spy?" Mr. Nutritious brings over the food, but breaks down and yells at Rory that she shouldn't eat that. He says she doesn't want to grow up to be her mother. Rory smiles. "Too late," we all say together, as bluebirds fly in through my back window and circle my head with their sweet song. A rainbow sprouts from my Diet Coke. As we pan back outside the diner window, Lorelai is still asking Rory about CuteDean and Rory still isn't talking. There's so much cuteness in the air the entire room smells like the inside of the Gerber baby's diaper. I find some sludge stuck to the bottom of my tongue. It's sugar. And what's this feeling in my stomach? Is it homegrown love and warmth? Why, I do believe it is.
week: what do you care? You'll be watching the premiere of Friends. But thanks for playing along. It was nice of you to pretend long enough to watch the Pilot. Be sure to keep stopping by to see how long I can play nice-nice with the nice television show.