Well, someone heard my birthday pleas. It seems that the final two episodes of Get Real may not be aired and will instead be replaced by the final episodes of Party of Five. This means we may be witnessing the last of this show. Enjoy it while it lasts.
To celebrate, and in honor of this show continuing much longer than it was ever supposed to, I'm combining this recap with a drinking game. By all means, feel free to join in with your beverage of choice. Here are the rules:
- Every time Meghan flips or tucks her hair: One drink.
- Every time Kenny stammers: One drink.
- Every time Mitch gets a distant look on his face: One drink.
- Every time Cameron looks away with his mouth open: One drink.
- Every time Elizabeth speaks: Two drinks.
- Every time Mary's neck cords appear for their close-up: One drink.
- Every time we hear the five-note Get Real jingle: One drink.
You ready? Let's kick it. Mad props to Heathen, Omar, stee and All-Purpose Cultural Cat Girl Nuku Nuku.
Previously on Get Real: They let Cam back in school because he was stupid and wet. He looked up into the rain with his mouth open (1 drink). Slutgirl was interested in Cam. Someone went way back in the archives to pull up the scene where Mitch decided to quit his job and start the Restoration of Sin, now renamed the Frisky Father's Firehouse. There was a shot of Meghan hugging Clay as she told Slutgirl how lucky she was to have him in her life. Kenny told Rebecca that he's dating Kimberly. He then went to Kim's house in the rain to tell her that he chose her.
Fade up on Cameron sliding down the Frisky Father's Firehouse pole. He tells Kenny to give it a try. Kenny is hesitant: "It's not the speed I'm worried about, it's the friction." Tell me about it, baby. Some guy tells Kenny to do it for "Uncle George." Kenny reminds him that technically George isn't his uncle, but his neighbor. As everyone is at the "work table" eating chicken, Mitch is showing George around the place. He's planning on buying it and turning it into a restaurant. Oh, and somehow during the last week they completely renovated the building. It's all painted and finished. I suppose all of that sexual aggression Mitch was feeling was put to good use. Cameron sticks an entire chicken breast into his mouth and walks off. Mitch looks around his building and asks George to take good care of it (one drink). George says he doesn't own it yet, and then leans towards Cam to say, "Hey, Cameron. FYI: I don't know the Heimlich." "I'm hungry," Cam says around his food. "It's a constant state with him," we hear too-loudly from Mary, but we don't see her. Mary asks Aunt George about her son Dustin as Mitch asks Uncle George how Andrew's "Internet Company" is doing. George tells him that Andrew's company "goes public" month. Aunt George asks Mary where Meghan has decided to go to college. Mary goes on and on about how Andrew was always at their door selling something when he was a kid. Who are these people? Another set of new best friends? What the hell? Aunt George bounces back that Meghan was always "peddling" Girl Scout cookies at their place. Yeah, Meghan's a regular Girl Scout, all right. Aunt George asks what college Meghan finally settled on. (Mary's neck cords: One drink.) Mary says that Meghan's decided not to go to college. Mitch stammers about how Meghan is "content" to follow "several different directions." It sounds like Meghan can't go to college because of a smack habit or something. The two Georges look like they are totally embarrassed for the Green family's idiotic, slacker kids. Aunt George asks Mary if she's okay with this. Uncle George is sitting with Mitch on some stairs and reminds him that Andrew dropped out of college, but now it's a whole new world out there.
As Mitch voices-over that he thinks Meghan is still "floundering," we see Meghan enter a building filled with boys. Uncle George tells Mitch that he'll ask Andrew if there's any room for Meghan at his business. Meghan walks around the "Internet Company" that only employs slacker-looking boys who goof off in the office all day. That's what you do at an "Internet Company," you see. Meghan walks up to the boy at the desk and says she's here for the interview. Homeboy has blonde frizzy hair and a sneer as he asks, "So, you're the famous Meghan?" And I fully expect her to say, "Of course I am! Do you doubt my power?" but she says, "No, I'm just the...regular Meghan." She's undercover. Frizz Boy laughs and drops the "creepy" vibe that all of the cool Internet Company kids do these days and walks her towards Andrew's office. Frizz Boy asks if Meghan really did follow Andrew to school every day for a full year. "I was a kid." "Oh, no." "It was my first crush; I thought that was what you were supposed to do." Frizz Boy laughs. "God, I can't believe he told you about that," Meghan exhales. This is a very awkward conversation, by the way. Frizz Boy says, "Yeah, well, he couldn't help it. People around here like to open up to me. I'm disarming." He walks off as Meghan gives the "Ooookay!" eye-roll.
Frizz Boy walks Meghan into an enormous office. "I'll call you back," Andrew says as he hangs up his phone. He jumps from his desk and pulls Meghan into a hug. They exchange "good to see you"s. He waves goodbye to Frizz Boy, who takes an exit. Meghan sits down and Andrew gets back behind his desk. Meghan asks if there are any other stories from her childhood that he's told everyone in the office. He apologizes and says he talks too much. "You look great," he says. "Thank you. Thank you." No return compliments from Meghan, of course. Andrew says that her parents were asking about a job for Meghan. "Yeah, I'm not even out of high school yet and already they're taking charge of my career," she says. By the way, the same song has been playing since the beginning of the episode. It's very dark in the office except for a big circular window at the top of the room (remember the hospital room?) which showers a shaft of white light onto Our Lady of Complete Martyrdom. She says that she hopes he doesn't feel forced into hiring her. Andrew leans in and puts on his best Bill Paxton to say, "Nothing could be further from the truth." Meghan smiles. The piano ends the endless song.
Mitch is talking to someone who I assume is supposed to be his accountant, because they are talking about money. They are discussing the hold-up from George's bank. The accountant tells him that he's running out of money. Mitch asks how much time he as left. "You ran out about an hour ago," his accountant tells him. Mitch says that he's known George for ten years and knows he'll come through. "He'd better, or..." "Yeah, I know." The accountant opens the door, sending a sharp beam of light onto Mitch's face (one drink). Overhead shot while the Testosterone Guitar pays an homage to Steve Vai. Mitch looks upwards towards the gods (one drink). Fade to white.
Title shot montage.
Cameron's idol, Stephen Baldwin, is taking acting tips from an M&M again. I wish the little candy would tell one of these guys to close their mouths when they are just breathing.
Mitch pours coffee and chews food. Mary walks into the World's Largest Kitchen with a water bottle in her mouth. She stops her oral fixation long enough to say hello to Kenny and Elizabeth. "Hi!" (two drinks for our ol' friend Liz) She tells Mitch that they are "on" for Thursday night with the Two Georges. "It's nice they're back in town." Good attempt at hiding your newfound best friends, guys, but if Andrew works in your town, you really have no excuse. Mitch says it's nice George is taking the firehouse off his hands. "Wow. Look at my handsome Grandson," Elizabeth says in a close-up, "all dressed up for his first day back in school." (two drinks) Everyone is so proud of Cam. For what? He drove a truck. Through. His. High. School. Lied about it. Said it wasn't his fault. Whined about his punishment. Went to one day of a-school. Stood in the rain. Proud? Kenny makes a joke about Cam's clothes and then Cam says he won't give him a ride to school because of the joke. Kenny's all, "Huh?" and Mitch says that he'll take Kenny. Oh, whatever. Mitch will let Cam just NOT take Kenny to school because he dissed his clothes, so he'll go out of his way to take his youngest son to the same place his criminal son is going? Kenny, Mitch and Cameron take off. Clay walks in and Mary tells him that Meghan is up in her room getting dressed and that she's got to go because she's late. "Bye, Mom!" "Bye-bye!" Elizabeth sing-songs (two drinks. Whee!). Clay sidles up to Elizabeth and says that it's just the two of them. Elizabeth hands him the paper. "Just you," she says. "I gotta get my nails done." She grabs her coat and walks off. (two drinks. Needing a new beer soon. Typing productivity going down. Easily distracted now) Meghan walks in and says hello. "He's here!" Elizabeth whispers like Carol Anne. (two drinks) Meghan gives Clay a chaste kiss on the cheek as he comments that she's awfully dressed up. She's wearing a skirt. She wears this stuff all the time. She says that she wants to make a good impression on her first day (uh-huh). Clay said he thought she was just an intern. She says that this might be able to turn into "something more." (Hair flip: One drink.) She says that Andrew is going to let her sit in on meetings and even design things "for the homepage." Meghan doesn't even know how to spell HTML. Clay asks for more information on how this Andrew guy is. Megan says he's a family friend (hair flip: One drink). Clay asks if she's known him a long time. She says she has and that he used to tease her a lot when she was a kid: "But, I don't know, now he's totally treating me [hair flip: One drink] like one of the team." She says she feels like Hilary Clinton. I'll ignore the obvious joke. (Hair flip and tuck: One and a half drinks.) My friend Chris has joined me at this point and is now on hair flip patrol. He'll keep me honest. She asks if Clay is jealous. "Oh, what's to be jealous of, a twenty-two-year-old millionaire?" Meghan puts her arms around Clay and says she's never seen him jealous before. She then says very quickly and in total monotone: "I'm embarrassed to admit how much I'm enjoying it." Another closed-mouth kiss. "Let's go." The Center of the Universe has spoken and Clay looks unhappy.
Mandatory Locker Check. School Without Classes. Kenny is asking Kim what she wants to do for her sixteenth birthday. I have a suggestion. Get her a new shirt. Lord, that's ugly what she's wearing. She's deaf, not blind. Kenny says that his sixteenth birthday was "momentous," and that admittedly he was in a coma for most of it. They laugh at his infectious disease. She tells him to impress her, but when she says "me," she pokes him in the nose. He says he'll come up with something so incredible, it'll make her "head explode." She says, "It's a date."
Mandatory Locker Check. Slutgirl wiggles up to Cam and says that they'll just let anyone in that school. Apparently. She says he didn't miss anything. Cam protests, "I missed you." Because they've fashioned Slutgirl after me she rolls her eyes and says, "That's the best line you can come up with?" She tells him he's "seriously" out of practice. But as my friend Chris points out, there's a little bit of Slutgirl in all of us. Adversely, there's a little bit of all of us in Slutgirl. "Wanna give me a little one-on-one coaching?" My cigarette flies out of my mouth and into my monitor, bouncing off my fingertips and onto my carpet, burning a hole. I don't care. And, yes, I'm smoking. You try and recap this shit without nicotine. I dare you. Slutgirl laughs and says, "Dream on." Cam's been back for ten minutes, but his new locker is already fully decorated. Cam turns around to mouth-breathe (one drink) and gives "she's so gonna do me" eyes to Slutgirl's strutting ass. She's wearing a little plaid skirt and fishnet stockings with seams up the back. She's so working on that good-girl image. She passes two thirty-year-olds necking in the hall. Cam adjusts his shoulder bag and walks off.
Okay, bear with me here. Meghan is "working" on some sort of Mac tool (remember, Get Real is sponsored by Apple Computers) and is doing some sort of graphic image that's...well, graphic. It's a naked, sweaty back. It's an ad for pants. "PLAYmakerz Pants. For people who SWEAT!" I couldn't make that shit up if I tried. A tiny cup of coffee is held under Meghan's face and moved back and forth. "Mmm," she groans orgasmically, and looks up to Andrew. "Is this a coffee shop?" Chris asks me. "It's an 'Internet Start-Up Company,'" I explain. "Is that what it's like in your office? Do you get coffee in little cups?" "No and no." Meghan says she thought she was on coffee detail. Andrew says she makes it too weak. Meghan is instantly all apologies until Andrew says that he was kidding. "Buh-nah-na-na-nah!" (One drink) "Oh, ha-ha-ha," Meghan flirts. Andrew compliments her on her "layout" (huh-huh) and says, "Looks like you know your way around a web page." Um, she's using Illustrator. She says that she made some web pages for Mary's parties. "All this and no college?" Andrew asks. Meghan says she just wants some "life experience" first. Andrew nods and asks, "Well, do you feel like experiencing some dinner?" Jesus. She says it's only five. He says it's a perk of owning the company: "Day ends when I say so." They decide to go to some "killer" place around the corner. (Hair flip: One drink.) Meghan says she just wants to finish up what she's doing.
Driving down Ocean, Cameron is listening to that "He's everything you want, he's everything you need" song and catches Slutgirl in the arms of another boy drinking coffee. (Mouth-breathing: Three drinks, because it goes on for so long) Cam is hurt and driving with one hand and they change the song to splice in the last version of the chorus that goes, "But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why." Nice try, guys. My Pop Culture Science is too tight.
Meghan and Andrew are in full flirt (hair tuck: One drink). Andrew is reminiscing about all of the ways Meghan used to follow him around and she says that it "dorks [her] out." Like, totally. He says that he used to scare her with his Freddie Krueger impersonation. Meghan gets all scared again at the memory. (Hair tuck: One drink.) He tries to come at her with "the claw" and she hits his hand back with a straw and says "back, back, back." (New rule: A completely stupid moment of my life wasted gets you three drinks. What the hell.)
Now it's all dark and Meghan and Andrew are walking through a completely empty, windy parking lot. A storm is coming in, of course. She says that she's got to get home because it's getting really late. (Windy hair flips in succession: Five drinks.) They had a nice time, let's do it again, blah blah blah fondlecakes. Instead of opening the door for her he pretends he's too exhausted to make it around the trunk of the car and plops himself down with a big sigh. Meghan walks back over to him. (Hair flip: One drink.) There's this weird light that I guess means they're in some sort of lamplight, but it's really harsh and bright. He asks if she wants to go back to his place and "hang out." Meghan cocks her head and says it's a school night. She pulls on his arm and tells him they need to go, and he whispers, "Meghan," and totally grabs her boob hard with one hand. Way to start the macking, dude. She's trying to push him off of her, but he's kissing her and pushing her onto the hood of the car. He's pushing up her skirt and wiggling on her, telling her it's okay and then eventually she groins him, which makes him instantly get off of her and be sad. She starts running away as he calls to her. "WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?" she asks. "What do you expect with all them signals you've been giving me?" he demands. "STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I WILL SCREAM! LOUD!" She runs off. He calls her name and Meghan begins running alone in the streets of Los Angeles as we fade to white.
Meghan and Clay sit on a hood of another car. She says she ran back into the restaurant and waited for him to leave. Like he wouldn't think to look there? "That bastard do anything you're not telling me?" Clay asks. Nice, Clay. 'Did you do him? Did you like it? Did he do stuff I haven't gotten to do yet?' Meghan says he didn't but she was scared he was going to. Clay asks what she's going to tell her parents. She says she doesn't think she will. See, normally she goes and tells everyone her problems, especially Daddy, but this one has the possibility of becoming other people's problems, and that would take away the very special moment she has right now of her own very special problem. She says that Mary will just worry and Mitch is trying to sell the firehouse to Andrew's dad and that she doesn't want to screw that up. Clay says that she'll have to tell them eventually. She says that she'll just tell them that the work was interfering with her studies, and that they won't interfere with that. She says that she's known Andrew's family since she was six, and that if she says anything, "It's just gonna cause huge problems for everybody." See? "Besides, part of me feels like it was my fault." She says that she was the one that had the crush first and that she may have been sending out old signals. Clay shuts her up and says that Andrew is responsible for what happened and that he shouldn't get away with it. Meghan demands that they are going to just "forget it."
Meghan walks into the World's Largest Kitchen. "Hey, honey," says Mary. "Hi!" says Elizabeth (two drinks). Meghan is too giddy talking about how great her job is and how wonderful Andrew is. Mary tells her that Andrew called. "Are you hungry honey?" (Two drinks.) Meghan says she wants to crash early. "Are you okay? I think you're working too hard." (Ooh, that's four drinks.) Meghan dismisses it and goes up to her room.
This recap is taking much longer with the company and the drinking and stuff.
Someone listened to me and put some ethernet cables and power cords into Kenny's iBook. Cam busts in and tells Kenny that he's hogging up the phone line. You have your own phone line, Cam; nice try. You each have your own phone line. Kenny says he's stressing about getting Kim her birthday present, because her birthday is in three days. What day is it? Wednesday? Cam asks if Kenny is at the Disney site: "What is she, ten?" "No, no, no, I'm trying to find something visubal, something, something beautiful." We rewind and listen again. "Visubal." One more time. "Visuabal." "Visuabal" it is. I'll drink to that. I call up my friend in Los Angeles and ask him if "visuabal" is a word that the cool L.A. people say. He asks me if Texans all sleep with their cousins. We hang up on each other. Meghan walks by the door and Kenny calls her in and asks how work was. Meghan says that she quit. Kenny and Cam tease her for a moment (mouth-breathing alert: One drink). She asks them to keep it quiet. They say they will. Cam asks if he can be there when she tells them. Meghan smirks and walks off.
Mitch opens his trunk. "Hi! I'm the Very Important Briefcase from the Christmas episode! I'm still here! Waiting to have an entire episode revolve around whether or not Mitch actually cheated on Mary!" Mitch is talking to Uncle George about how great it is that he's taking the firehouse off him right now. He puts his golf bag in the trunk. "See you in the fall! Hopefully! I'm a very important suitcase!" Mitch thanks him for getting Meghan the job as well. "Meghan emailed Andrew last night; she said she quit." Why would he know that? Uncle George says that he knew Mitch said she was "floundering" and that maybe it's a bigger problem than he originally thought. Man, don't try and tell the Greens how to parent. You are so just a one-episode player. (Mitch looks distant: One drink.) They say they'll see each other at dinner that night. Uncle George gets in his car as Mitch looks distant (one drink).
Slutgirl is lying on her back (huh-huh) on the Confessional Bench of the School Without Classes. Cam walks over to her and leans over her. She tells him that his chin is really ugly at that angle. His chin? Girlie, check out his ears. Cam looks up and laughs (one drink). He asks about her and Greg Miller (one drink). She says they're friends. "You know it's weird because it totally bummed me out." (One drink.) He says he can't stop thinking about her ever since her and Meghan started "hanging out." (One drink.) Slutgirl says she's getting dizzy and sits up. He says he wants to know if she's planning on hooking up with Greg. (One drink.) As a couple of eighty-year-old extras walk by, Slutgirl says there's nothing between her and Greg. She tells him to shut up and leans in for a kiss. Cam opens his mouth so big that he almost bites her nose. Merciful fade to white.
Mitch and Mary are hella pissed that Meghan quit her job. She says she didn't think it mattered so much. Mitch gives the "you'd better figure out what matters" speech about how she's going to be out of school and a job in two months. Meghan has had enough: "Look, I made a mistake, I handled it badly, I'm sorry, okay?" Mary asks if she's sure there isn't something Meghan wants to tell them. Everyone stares at each other for several seconds until Meghan lowers her head. Mitch says that if she wants to be treated as an adult that she's going to have to meet them "halfway" and that when she's ready to talk to come find him. He'll be in the bed. Naked. Waiting for her. Mary lifts her head and sighs. (Mary's neck cords: One drink.) Meghan says she's really sorry and she doesn't know what else to say. Mary walks off.
I take a drink out of boredom.
Clay is busting up on the Internet Start-up Company, where the office workers are playing some sort of Monkey in the Middle game and eating pizza. Man, I'd like to work there. That's what I imagine it looks like at Wing's house when she's just finished an ER recap. ["Substitute 'The Sims' for Monkey in the Middle, and Starburst candy for pizza, and that's about right." -- Wing Chun] Clay stares at them through the window.
Fancy Dinner. Small talk. The Two Georges and the Two Greens.
Clay busts into the Internet Start-Up Company and walks into Andrew's office. "I'll call you back," Andrew says to the person on the other line. He's always so busy.
Mitch apologizes for Meghan. Parenting small talk.
Slow-motion shaky-cam of the roomful of boys (and where are the girls in this company?) watching through Andrew's office window. We see Clay and Andrew fronting each other.
Mitch wants to propose a toast "To a good friend..."
Shot closes in on Clay and Andrew as we hear, "A fine businessman..."
Mitch has his glass in the air. "And a fast escrow." They all clink glasses. Close-up on the toast.
Clay punches Andrew in the face. The other boys run in and pull them away from each other. It's like a Gap ad. You can see the cameraman reflected in the window.
Weird Kubrick moment of Mary laughing and drinking wine. Aunt George takes a drink. Uncle George's cell phone goes off. Man, when they say that guy's got his finger on the pulse, they ain't kidding around. He walks off to take the call, with it on the ninth ring in his pocket. Small talk about hiding cell phones until Uncle George comes back and sits down with one hand on his anvil and the other one signing a lawsuit. "Apparently your daugher's boyfriend just attacked my son." As if he's so offended they can't even have names anymore. Everyone stares at each other as they trade close-ups. (Distant Mitch: One drink.) Fade to white.
Mitch and Mary are back on Meghan's bed, which she apparently hasn't left all night. They want to know why Clay and Andrew "turned physical." "Oh, God. Oh, God, was anyone hurt?" Meghan asks. "Yeah, Andrew needed stitches!" Meghan tries not to be pleased by that, and says, "Wow." "Wow?" "Clay. Clay. Is he okay?" "He's fine." "What the hell is going on, Meghan?" Meghan has to stand up for this so the piano can kick in. She says that it's really hard (huh-huh). She recaps the past fifteen minutes. (Mary's neck cords: One drink.) We see flashbacks of what happened as she talks about it. "That kid is dead," Mary says (one drink). Mitch says that they need to go down there and talk about it. Meghan announces that they cannot go down there and they can't make it into a big deal. She didn't want it to be a "big mess" and she's fine: "I'm sorry. I never meant for this to become your problem." Mary takes a quick look at the camera as she pulls Meghan in for a hug and says "the only thing that matters is you." Chris notes that they are running out of clichéd lines. Because of that, Mitch just looks distant (one drink) because there's another boy out there getting to touch his daughter more than he gets to.
A very bad song starts up that I'm not even going into. Mitch and Mary are lying in their bed. "George will be devastated. I mean, he loves that kid." Maybe because it's his son? They say that they have to tell the Two Georges. Mary gets a look of satisfaction on her face as she says, "I know."
Meghan cries in her bed as the singer asks if she's scared. She's neither scared, nor really in tears. "But I was brave, but I can't stop crying," the singer teases.
Because the School Without Classes only spends its money on dances and cameos, they've brought in Bill Nye to deliver a very special astronomy class for Kenny. When you've only got one class a year, you'd better do it right. Because every single high-school science teacher wears a lab coat and tie, you can't even tell that you're looking at Bill Nye the Science Guy. As Bill Nye is going on about the stars and stuff, Kenny is going down a list that says, "Things to do for Kimberly's Birthday." Everything is underlined. The list is full of crossed-off ideas. "Disneyland, Bowling ("Bowling?" Happy Birthday, sweet sixteen), Monster Truck Rally (huh?), Paint Ball, Santa Monica Pier, Sheryl Crow Concert (she's deaf...), Video Arcade (stop, you're killing me), Hollywood Bowl, Dinner and a Movie, Getty Center, Griffith Park, Melrose." Bill Nye says that there's a meteor shower of "gigantic proportions." Kenny asks for clarification and time and for some reason no one is mocking him from the back of the room. "Saturday. Peak viewing time is at 8 PM." Kenny thinks it's so perfect that he can give Kimberly a meteor shower for her sixteenth birthday. That doesn't cost a dime, my friend.
Cam and Kenny stand in the Secret Lovers Spot. "It's gonna be the perfect gift. I'm giving Kimberly 'The Sky.'" "It's gonna be a bitch to wrap." Kenny explains how this shower only happens every thirty-three years. He's going to make the evening perfect. A great sky, the beach, a blanket, Wendy's fries and he wrote her a poem. "Well, Sting wrote it, but I copied it really neatly onto some parchment paper." Cam says that it sounds pretty cool. "Now get out of here before someone sees me talking to you." Cam looks down the hall and sees Slutgirl kissing Greg in slow motion. Cam is pissed and walks off.
Oh, dear Lord. Meghan and Clay are walking down the Santa Monica Pier in the worst blue screen I've ever seen. It's like from 1987 and everyone is in shorts and running and Clay and Meghan are wearing jackets and long sleeves. It's all sunny. I don't even know what they are talking about. I'm serious. Look at this crappy blue screen! There are heat vapors all around them. Meghan is mad at Clay for doing it. They fight and stuff. That is the worst blue screen I've ever seen, I'm serious. (One hair tuck, one drink). Meghan is now blaming Clay for all of this. It's his fault that she's having to tell everyone. It's like a hundred and seventeen degrees in Los Angeles' Blue Screen territory. They stop talking for a second so a person on a bike with a yellow helmet ride in front of Meghan for a second so that when the yellow helmet ends up on the other side in the frame, we never noticed that he rode right into the blue screen. I'm sorry I haven't recapped a thing, but I can't stop staring at the outlines of Meghan and Clay and the really 80s clothing of the people in this stock footage. I don't understand, because they were obviously filming down on the Pier earlier. Meghan walks off and says, "forget it" and just keeps walking towards the water. Let's hope she doesn't stop.
Cameron sits in a quiet class that must be some sort of detention, study hall where the students go when they need to crash for a second after the constant partying in the halls. Slutgirl walks in wearing a little black skirt and a zebra-print shirt. She leans over him. "So?" "So." "So are you in hiding or what?" "Or what," he says like his idol Stephen Baldwin. She asks for clarity. Cameron lifts his head and exhales (one drink). He says he saw her with Greg. She says that she doesn't have a clue what he's talking about and that she doesn't have to answer to him for what she does. She sits down and says they had a thing years ago and what he saw was her ending it so that she can be with Cam. She starts biting the back of his neck and his ear. She's nibbling on his ears. Aren't they in class, even sorta? "Come on, don't be mad," she says, and Cam turns his head and starts kissing her. No one in the classroom stares at the hot love going on in front of them.
The parents are gathered in the Green's house. Mitch and Mary discover that Andrew didn't tell them the whole story. (Neck cords: One drink.) Mary says that there was more to it than that. Everyone is all smiley and interested as Mitch says, "Two nights ago Andrew forced himself on Meghan against her will." "That's why Clay went over there," Center of the Parenting Universe interrupts. The Two Georges are outraged. "Are you accusing our son of sexual assault?"
Up in The Breakfast Club, Cam asks Meghan and Kenny to let him know when to call in the SWAT team. Chris points out that Meghan's room looks like it was stolen from the set of The Tenth Kingdom. Meghan pouts that she never wanted to tell anyone about her problem because of this reason. Cam says that if he had known about this he would have gone in with a crowbar. "CAMERON, STOP THIS, OKAY?" The Center of the Universe II is really worried about losing her control, here. Kenny's smile fades and Cam gets so stunned that for a second he almost remembers how to divide fractions, but then quickly forgets again. "This is serious," she brats, and then everyone sits still and looks at the ground to give the seriousness a moment of silence. Meghan begins to "cry" and apologize. (Big ol' hair tuck of guilt and martyrdom: Three drinks.) Cam and Kenny sit on the bay window with Meghan and hold her. (Hair tuck, (huh-ha-huh-ha): One drink. I like my toes. I have nice toes. And hair. I like my hair. I finished my third beer.)
Mary is outraged that The Two Georges would insinuate that Meghan is making the whole thing up. Aunt George points out that Meghan used to have a crush on Andrew. (Mitch looks distant: One drink.) "Oh, I am so happy you've got this whole thing figured out," Mary opens her arms wide to inhale all of the guilt and blame and thrust it back out. (Neck cords: One drink.) "See, you can tell the dad thinks his son's guilty because he's making the vagina sign with his hands," my boyfriend points out. Well, he is. As they sling words back and forth like "stalker" and "rapist," Mitch tries to calm everyone down, but Mary's nipples are really insulted. Hello, nurse! Mitch wants everyone to be "civil." The Two Georges decide to leave. Mitch offers to make peace, but they just leave. "Hey, what was that all about? I felt like I was defending Meghan on my own!" Mitch says that one of them had to be rational. "Rational's one thing. You all but called Meghan a liar!" Mitch tried to "soften the blow" (huh-huh). Mitch brings up that he's in business with George and Mary whips out the "it's all about money" card and Mitch says that George was just defending his son and Mary gives him the how-bout-defending-your-daughter. Mitch says he has to look at the big picture. He's got six people to feed in the house. Mary yells that they should just tell George to go to hell and "cut back!" Mitch says he needs some air. "Oh, Mitch," Mary whines. Mitch leaves.
Meghan tries to study, but her phone rings. It's Slutgirl wondering why there are cop cars in Clay's front yard. Meghan says she has to go and hangs up. She runs up to Clay's house just in time to see him being taken to the car in cuffs. Man, she's fast. Clay looks at Meghan from the back of the squad car as it drives off. Close-up on Meghan not crying. Fade to white.
School Without Classes. Meghan and Clay walk among the silent milling teens, so he's fine. He says that they pressed charges and set a court date. Meghan says that they'll get Clay a good lawyer. Because they're so rich and he's not. Clay says he can handle it on his own. She apologizes. He says she didn't choose to get attacked and if it happened again, he'd so the same thing in a heartbeat. "I can't believe I can't control him no matter what I do," Meghan thinks. "I'm so breaking up with him."
Cam is at Mandatory Locker Check. Kenny asks if he can borrow his car for Saturday. Cam says no. Kenny asks for a ride. Cam looks up and sees Slutgirl standing several feet away staring at him. Cam says he'll give Kenny a lift. Kenny thanks him and walks off. Cam and Slutgirl walk up to each other. Cam asks if she'd like to go on a date with him on Saturday, since they've never had "one of those." She says fine.
Frisky Father's Firehouse. I'll make this quick. Mitch and George exchange unpleasantries as they make the final arrangements on "closing the deal." George says that he always thought Mitch's kids were good. "It's always surprising which ones disappoint you." Mitch finally breaks and says that Meghan wasn't lying and that she's a good kid and that he is surprised which ones disappoint you. George says that the closing date is wrong. The accountant says it isn't and if he doesn't sign they'll fall out of escrow. George says it seems rushed and he can't worry about deadlines. He walks off. The accountant says that if George walks through the door they're dead. "Let him go," Mitch says. He's gone. (Distant looks: Six drinks.)
To stay awake, I've taken to pressing the bottle caps from my beer under my foot.
Meghan listens to Mitch and Mary cuddling and talking in the living room. Mitch says that it was pretty stupid of him to think he could just suck it up. "What did you do?" "What I should have done long ago: Defended my daughter." Meghan gives a huge eye-roll as the five-note jingle starts on guitar (one drink).
Meghan storms into the Internet Start-Up office. Say Andrew's line with me, here: "Let me call you back." Meghan says they need to talk. Andrew says that they shouldn't be speaking, what with the case pending and all. She calls him a son of a bitch. "Look, you ATTACKED ME!" Meghan shouts to all of the "team." It's all quiet now. "Now it's affected both our families." A plague on both your houses, girlie. She tells Andrew to "make it stop." He says he'll drop the charges, but that's all he can do for her. "When?" "As soon as you leave." Meghan says she thought he was a great guy and she trusted him. "I'm asking you to fix this. All of it. Tell your parents the truth." He's not listening. Meghan says that if he doesn't tell them, then she's going to go to every business web site she can find and post the story. "You're about to go public, right? The big sure thing." "As if every business site has a forum," my boyfriend points out. "Your choice now, Andrew," she says as she walks off. Andrew has to take a big inhale at the Center of the Universe II's alleged smackdown.
Cam drops Kim and Kenny off at the beach, back at the Santa Monica Pier. Really, if you're into meteor showers, there's really no place better to watch them then right in front of a giant lit-up Ferris Wheel. Cam doesn't take off, but rather gets out of his car, and Kenny is furious. He doesn't want Cam ruining this night. Cam explains that he invited Slutgirl to come along. They divide up the beach from the Big Dipper on and break off.
Meghan walks into the World's Largest Kitchen as Mary hugs her and says she's proud of her. The Two Georges called to apologize. Meghan smiles and says, "That's good." (Hair tuck: One drink. My ass: On the floor.) Meghan says she had made a decision to stop running away, and so she faced him herself. "Must have been a tough thing to do," Mitch says. Meghan says that the thought of it was harder than actually doing it. "Well, you just learned one of life's little lessons," Mitch says. Meghan seems pleased. Everyone smiles. Meghan asks if they're still going to be friends with The Two Georges. What. Ever. They say no. Meghan says she just wanted something good to come out of all of this. Mitch holds Meghan and gives some sort of heart-felt thing about being an adult, but I just keep watching where his hands are going. Mary watches Mitch hold his daughter and stroke her pretty hair.
Shooting star. Kenny hugs Kim. He looks back and sees that Cam has been stood up. He gets up and invites Cam over to sit with them. He carries Cam back like he's drunk and reeling. Kim smiles, as if her birthday isn't ruined. The gospel singers are in full effect. Pan up to the sky.
Mitch and Mary lie on their backs looking up at the sky. "Kinda puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?" Mary asks. "Sure does," Mitch says. I sigh.
Kenny and Kim watch the stars.
Meghan and Clay sit on a bench, watching the stars. "Make a wish," Meghan says. "I don't have to," Clay says back. Everyone vomits back up all of the beer we've been drinking. Pan up to the "shooting stars." Fade to white.
Oh, thank God, it's over. It's over! It's over! Only one more episode! My kidneys might live!
week the World's Largest Kitchen is in serious danger as Mitch realizes that all six of them can't be unemployed and living in that house. Dude, I could have told you that months ago. Cam loves Slutgirl and Meghan is mad that Slutgirl is going to break his heart. Kenny thinks about dying all the time now that he's had meningitis. I've been thinking about dying since this show started.