Ugh. I just did a recap of one of these three nights ago. I feel like Meghan's second-ditched best friend. Yeah, I don't remember her name either. I'm drinking beer on an empty stomach, so lets see if that helps. Don't try this at home kids. Mommy's a professional.
Previously on Get Real: Cameron got expelled. Cameron went to alternative school for one day but was a big baby about it. Months and months ago Kenny kissed Rebecca and then she had to move and they said goodbye in the rain. Kenny met a deaf girl who invited him to a dance. Clay loves Meghan and so she gives it up for him. They change her line from "And I love you for saying that" to "And I love you." Wow. I hardly had to change that at all from last week's "previously."
Well, when Mom witnesses a murder committed by her "best friend" after he holds them up at gunpoint, Son #1 gets beaten up by bullies because he's been expelled for crimes, Son #2 almost dies of meningitis but never bothers to go back and see if his new best friend came out of her coma, and Kiss-Ass Daughter just popped her cherry, what does the Green family do to celebrate? You got it: they go to a carnival. Someone put Elizabeth in a kicky denim jacket number and some red, wide-collared-Darryl-Hannah-in-Steel Magnolias thing. Meghan is holding hands with Clay. The rest of the family walks with them. They look like a mob. Rebecca is there as well. They ride the Ferris wheel. Mitch wins at the ball-rolling game. Cameron and Elizabeth scream and laugh as they go down a spinny-slide. This really does sound like I'm making it up, but I'm not.
Kenny, Rebecca and Cam eat cotton candy. Cam asks Rebecca when she's going back to San Francisco. She says Wednesday. Kenny says that he thought she was going back sooner, but he sounds a bit disappointed. She goes to be flirty with him, but he dodges back from her and looks a bit disgusted by her. Kenny, dude, you're the one waking up from a coma and offering her a sponge bath.
Kenny wins at the ring toss. "Nice one, buddy!" we hear a voice-over say too loudly. Another uncomfortable hug between Rebecca and Kenny. Oh, that's funny. The barker's t-shirt says "St. Ann Carnival." Saint. Ann. Saintann. Why don't I heed the warning signs? Rebecca chooses the large dinosaur from the stuffed animals and for some reason the barker hands it to her and says "Green Dino." "No, she can see, it's my other girlfriend who's deaf," I expect Kenny to say. Cue another uncomfortable hug, but this time Rebecca notices it. She takes the dinosaur and holds it in front of her face. She makes the dinosaur ask Kenny if something is wrong. Kenny grabs the dinosaur back and says that something is. He tells her that he's "kinda seeing someone." She says, "Oh." "Yeah, you don't have to sound so surprised," he says. Why not? She was the only one who came to see him in the hospital. She says she's not surprised and walks off. She hands Kenny the dinosaur and says that maybe he should give it to his girlfriend. Check this: Kenny says, "It's not like we're serious. I mean... she's deaf." He then stammers a bit and tries to rephrase it a few times until Rebecca spares him the embarrassment. Rebecca says she'd like to meet her. She'd like to know who's in his life. He says that he cares about her too and then hands her back the dinosaur and actually says, "You know what? Go ahead and keep it. I'm sure Kimberly wouldn't mind." Thanks a lot, jag.
Meghan wants Clay to go on the carousel with her. He's too cool to go. But he is dealing with ME-ghan here, so he really has no choice at all. Clay says something about ruining a moment, but since he's got a mumbling problem it sounds like "You're ruining a sensitive boner here." I'm so fifth-grade sometimes. It's how I deal with this show. Work with me, here. Meghan asks Mitch to tell Clay that he has to take her on the carousel. I know, I know, it is just as disgusting as it sounds. Clay says he doesn't want to ruin tradition if she and her dad had some sort of carousel-memory thing. Mitch says it's okay and that Clay should take her. Close-up on Meghan as she gives a toothy grin and says, "Thank you, Daddy." Ugh. They get on the carousel. Meghan waves to Mitch with her fingers all wiggly and says, "Bye, Daddy!" Ew. As Clay puts his arm around Meghan and leans in for a kiss, she moves her head so he only gets to kiss the upper part of her cheek. Don't ruin any lipstick on the Center of the Universe II.
As Mitch eats popcorn and watches his daughter on the ride, something bizarre happens to the screen. Someone goes all nuts with the Photoshop and the screen pixilates and we get treated to Flashback Meghan, who seems to be just as bratty. She blows a kiss towards Flashback Mitch, who looks like he just wrapped up a production of Jeffrey. "Hi, Daddy!" Flashback Meghan shouts. Flashback Mitch grabs the kiss and holds it to his heart. Flashback Mitch walks up and asks Flashback Meghan if she's ready to go home. She says she wants to ride one more time. He says they should go. "Just one more time, pleeeeeease?" Someone should have slapped her earlier. "All right. One more time," Flashback Mitch says. "Ride with me," Flashback Meghan orders, just testing out her newfound powers of Center of the Universedom. Flashback Mitch begins to protest, but Flashback Meghan gives the first pout-and-hair-tuck that would go on to push over the hearts of hundreds of boys for years. "Come on, Daddy." Flashback Mitch agrees to stand to her, "In case something happens." She takes his hand and pulls him close. They laugh. Close-up on their clenched hands. Ih. The Photoshop pixels swirl again, and Mitch is standing in the present, still watching his baby girl suck up on the carousel. She waves again and blows him a kiss. Mitch is standing there with a weird look.
Meghan leads Clay into her bedroom. Mary announces from somewhere in the depths of the World's Largest Kitchen that dinner will be ready soon. She shuts the door and Clay flops on her bed. He discusses taking a nap. Meghan says that she's glad Clay went to the carnival with her family and that they really love him. He says that he loves her. Instead of saying it back, Meghan mounts him and reminds him that their first time was "pretty intense." He says it was. She says that "practice makes perfect." Okay. So these kids had their first sex like two weeks ago and they haven't done it again since then? WHAT. EVER. Seventeen-year olds not bumping and grinding at every single chance they can get? Even though the last episode was filmed out of order, and she would have known that Clay was leaving for college when she decided to give it up to him anyway because he finally told her that he loved her even though she had been planning to move to Boston with him without him saying that, that still doesn't excuse that for at least a week they weren't shaking booty every single day. Dear Meghan, I'm writing this mostly out of concern. If you just gave it up for the first time to a boy and then immediately afterwards he starts talking about moving away to college and he only gives you some hand-holding and little kisses, and you don't do the deed again for a long time, there are two possible reasons. One: you're a lousy lay. He's getting it somewhere else. Two: he's gay. You might want to check this stuff out. No love, pamie. Clay protests that they probably shouldn't since her FAMILY is just outside the door. He says it might be dangerous. She says, "maybe we should." She mocks getting up to leave as he pulls her into a kiss and we fade to white for the OPENING CREDITS. I can't believe how long they took to get here.
In the School Without Classes, Meghan and Clay are kissing during Mandatory Locker Check. As Clay takes off, Slutgirl walks up. Meghan is in a blue turtleneck. Slutgirl asks how Clay is. Meghan blahblahblahs about how wonderful he is and how lucky she is to know him and Slutgirl instantly sniffs out the fresh-sex on the Me-girl. She pulls Meghan into the bathroom, but just in case we're completely stupid, the camera stops on the sign that says "Girls" just outside the door. Thanks. I was so confused. Slutgirl assumes her position in her non-smoking/smoking alcove and asks for the details. Meghan grins and brags that it was everything she wanted it to be. She says that you spend your whole life wondering when it's going to happen and then it just does. Slutgirl says she's happy for Meghan. "Thanks," Meghan says. "Check off another milestone." Oookay. Meghan asks if she should tell her mother. Slutgirl asks if Meghan is insane. Meghan says that her mom is cool. "I don't care if she's Courtney Love, she's not going to be cool about you having sex." Slutgirl explains to Miss Naive that moms always say they want to know, but once it does happen they don't want to know anymore. Slutgirl checks to make sure Meghan is being safe. Meghan says she's on the pill. "Do yourself a favor. Don't tell her."
Elizabeth is sitting in front of a fire (what month is this? Carnivals and fires?) on the phone with her "friend" Lillian. She says she has a favor to ask. Taking a tip from Carmella Soprano, Elizabeth tells Lillian that her grandson Cameron is trying to get re-instated at Truman and she'd like Lil' to put in a good word with her boss -- Principal Foreshadowing. She says that there's an appeal schedule for the week. Lillian sounds like she's actually dealing with a Soprano and says that she's not really sure if she can do that, and she sounds like she's too damn scared of the consequences. Remember, the Green family can make anyone disappear.
Cameron is, like, so upset that Principal Foreshadowing has a factor in deciding if he gets back in school. He asks Elizabeth not to tell his parents. She says they can't give up. Cam promises that he won't give up. This scene is longer than I'm making it out to be, but I had to take a break and run to the bathroom to pull my eyelids out from inside my skull where they got stuck from the intense rolling.
School Without Classes. Kenny is inviting Kimberly (through a mixture of spoken words and sign language) to his house for a barbecue. He tells her that Rebecca would like to meet her. Kimberly asks who Rebecca is. Kenny says that she's a friend that came to visit because she thought he was dying. "No big deal," he says. "Yeah, you remember a couple of weeks ago when I passed out in oral interp and was rushed on a stretcher through the school? Yeah, I'm fine now." Kim asks if Rebecca used to be his girlfriend. He says she was "sorta." Kimberley agrees to go.
Cameron stands in the middle of the campus. He's all zenning out and I'm not sure why. The bell rings and the yard fills with students calling his name. Slutgirl walks up and talks to him as he stands by a "no skateboarding" sign they keep around for old times' sake. Cam tells Slutgirl that Mitch has him "working pretty hard at the firehouse," so I guess they renamed the Restoration of Sin building. Slutgirl mentions that he's not supposed to be on school grounds. He asks what he's missed. "Me, I hope," Slutgirl says as she fingers his stomach. When did this show turn into an Eighties Screwball Comedy With Possible Boobie Shots? Everyone's getting laid. Principal Foreshadowing walks right up to Cameron and tells him he's not supposed to be on school grounds. "All right, all right, cool, I'm gone," Cam says, like he's not breaking another law. "But I want you to know I'm gonna do whatever it takes for me to get back in here on a permanent basis." Uh-huh. "Those words would have meant a lot more had I heard them the day after you got expelled. Now they're just words. I need you gone." Testosterone Guitar. Big sigh. From me.
World's Largest Kitchen. Mitch and Mary ask Kenny whom he invited to the dinner. Kenny says that Rebecca wanted to meet Kimberly. Cam busts out laughing. Mary says that it's nice he's giving them a chance to meet. Mitch and Cam share a look. As Kenny leaves, Cam says, "He is so dead and he doesn't even know it." Giggling. "Do we have no gum in this house whatsoever?" Get this kid back in school. Now. Mary tells Cam to check with Meghan, but instead Cam walks right over to Meghan's purse and starts rummaging through it. Since this is the counter where medications simply cannot stay in purses (remember the prenatal vitamin fiasco where Cameron knocked pills out of Mary's purse but couldn't read what they said?), Cam instantly knocks Meghan's birth control pills out of her purse. It's really her own damn fault for keeping them right on top without any sort of camouflage. Cam tries to cover by quickly throwing them back in and looking guilty, prompting Mitch to ask if Cameron "found a human finger in there." Cam says, "I wish. Then I'd have something to chew on." I'll give you something to chew on. Cam bails instantly, and Mary goes straight for Meghan's purse. I tell you what these people have absolutely no boundaries. Mary holds the package of pills up to Mitch's face and then Mitch says back, "Birth control pills." They're sneaky and slow. That's a very dangerous combination. But they're not done being slow yet. "Maybe they're someone else's." "Mitch, why would she be carrying around someone else's birth control pills?" As Mary slowly tries to explain the birds and the bees and Loveral-Fe to her husband, Meghan walks in completely clueless to her prescription package in Mitch's hand. Mary gives Meghan a "how could you" look as Mitch just stares. "What?" Meghan asks. She lets out a really fake laugh. And as we fade to white we hear once a-friggin'-gain, "What?" I really hate this show. I've tried to be patient and I really want you guys to like me and think I'm funny, but at this point I'm worried about my self-esteem and, quite frankly, my mental stability.
Meghan sees the pills in Mitch's hand and she snatches (huh-huh) them from him. "What are you doing going through my stuff?" she asks. "We're not going through your stuff," Mitch blatantly lies. "Are they yours?" Mary asks. Read the damn label, people. It's a prescription. Jesus. Meghan stands with her mouth open for a little while. "You're taking birth control pills. That means you're having sex, which means you did not discuss this with me first. I cannot believe --" Mitch cuts Mary off (huzzah!) to say something about needing parental consent and Meghan brats that "twelve-year olds can get them." Now, this would have been funny if my father didn't make the same conclusion about my sex life when I was twenty-one and moving in with my boyfriend. "I assume you're having sex now." Anyway, Meghan totally blew it by not suggesting that she was taking the pills for cramps or to make her more regular. What an idiot. That and she must have bought the pills a while ago, as we all know it takes a month for those things to kick in, so she must have been planning knocking the boots with Clay before Ferret was even out of the picture. As everyone is arguing, Kenny brings Kimberly into the mess and tries to introduce her. He's totally oblivious to the fighting, I guess, and everyone tries to mouth "hi" to Kimberly and be ultra-nice to her because she's deaf. Kenny asks if they are fighting, and while they are still fighting, Meghan announces that they are "done!" and storms upstairs so Mary can sigh. Kenny takes Kimberly into the back and begins discussing food. He's actually picked up quite a bit of sign language. Mary tells Mitch that they can't just let Meghan "walk away from this." Mitch says, "Believe me, I'm not about to." Mary tells Mitch to go cool down for a second and let her go talk to her and Mitch says that it's not such a bad idea. Mary says they both knew this day was coming. Mitch says it doesn't make it any easier.
Upstairs Meghan is trying to get Clay on the phone to give him warning, but instead she talks to his mom. Clay has already left. As she hangs up the phone Mary knocks on her door. Meghan is all sighs and groans and says, "What?" "We need to talk about this, Meghan." Sighs, moans. "Okay, well, how 'bout when I'm thirty?" "No, how 'bout now?" Meghan moans and whines that she's being responsible. "I didn't say you weren't." "Uh! Huh! So, why are you mad?" "I'm not mad!" "You're not mad." No, I'm mad. Mad, I tell you! Mary says she's disappointed. "Because I'm having sex? Mom, I love him." As Mary stammers that she thought Meghan could come to her about anything there is much tucking of the hair from Meghan's side of the corner. Sighs, groans. "All right, I, I was, I, I, I was going to, but you know? It was just, so, weird." Meghan says that it's one thing to talk about "hypothetical sex" and that it is totally different to talk about "real sex." She says "real sex" like it's the most disgusting thing she's ever done. "Honestly, do you... want to talk about this really?" Mary has now sat down on the bed and slowly smiles and gets this weird gleam in her eye and says very calmly and very creepily, "Well, I don't want to know all the gory details..." Meghan interrupts to laugh and touch her nose. Mary continues to say that she wants to know if Meghan is being "smart and safe." Meghan promises that she is. The five-note jingle is in full effect. Meghan says she can understand how Mary could be disappointed in how she handled it, but, "whether or not you're with me, you are a part of every decision that I make." Buh-nuh-na-na-nah!
Outside Mitch cooks food on the grill. He watches Meghan in her room through her window. Meghan is pacing and pulling back her hair.
Kimberly teaches Kenny how to sign "dove." She says that she's happy. He says, "That's cool," and bobs his head to show how cool it is. He then takes her hand and holds it. She leans in and says that she can't talk to him if he holds her hand. He asks if they can have a moment of silence, then. Instead of grabbing her hand back and teaching him the sign for "asshole" (and I'd be willing to show him if she doesn't know) she leans in and kisses him and hugs him for a very, very long time. Long enough to let Rebecca walk in through the back door, say hi to Mitch and walk in and see them hugging. Kenny sees Rebecca and totally pushes Kimberly away. Rebecca hugs Kenny and Kimberly gives Rebecca the bitch-look. Kenny does introductions. Kenny explains that he and Rebecca are "old friends." Rebecca asks if he and Kimberly were "new friends." I thought they already covered that. Kenny stammers that he and Kimberly are "something like that." Kimberly gives another bitch-look. Kimberly signs something to Rebecca and Rebecca asks Kenny what she said. Kenny tells her that she wanted to know when Rebecca was going back to San Francisco. Wow. Kenny has picked up a lot of sign language. Oh, and score one for Kimberly. Rebecca tells Kenny to tell Kimberly that she isn't planning on stealing him from her. Kenny tells Rebecca that she just told her herself, and that Kimberly can read lips.
Mitch is still staring into his daughter's window and now he's got a beer, too. Meghan stares at him for a second and then walks off. Go, go gadget Photoshop! The scene shifts to Flashback Mitch telling Flashback Meghan that he has to make a phone call. He tells Flashback Meghan to sit where he can see her and then goes into a phone booth. At this point a kid walks up to Flashback Meghan and introduces himself as "Andy." "I know who you are," she says in complete brattiness. He asks if she wants to ride the bumper cars. She says she has to wait for her dad. As Andy walks off dejectedly, Flashback Meghan takes a backward glance at her dad, tosses her stuffed toy to the ground (ooh, feel that fresh symbolism, folks), and shouts, "Andy, wait up!" She runs off just as Flashback Mitch gets off the phone. As Flashback Mitch picks up the discarded toy and shouts, "Meghan!" he stands in front of some modern Tigger dolls which sort of screw up this flashback. The wonderpixels swirl again, and Mitch is standing in front of his grill with his beer as we hear Flashback Mitch's calls for his daughter fade off.
Clay shows up and tries to make Cool Dude Small Talk with Mitch about the Lakers and stuff, but Mitch is giving Clay the "You Fucked My Daughter" brush-off. After a few uncomfortable moments, Clay asks if Meghan is around. Mitch says that she's in her room and that he can go and get her. Clay says not to bother. "I know where to go." Mitch gives the "I know you do" look as Clay walks off.
God, I'm so bored.
Clay says hello to Mary at the bottom of the spiral staircase and she gives him an uncomfortable greeting back. Clay walks up the stairs and Mary watches him go.
Back down at A Watched Grill Never Broils, Mitch watches Meghan and Clay hug through the window of her bedroom. No curtains for this girl?
Rebecca asks Kenny how long he and Kimberly have been going out. Kenny says he wouldn't know if he would call it "going out." "It's more like seeing each other." He looks to Kimberly for agreement. Nope. Nothing from her. Rebecca gives the, "He touched my boob" look as she sits back.
Mitch is still watching Clay and Meghan who are still hugging. Mary pops her head in and sees Peeping Mitch and sighs with a look like, "Okay, this is getting creepy."
Rebecca tells Kimberly that she and Kenny are going to the beach tomorrow to go rollerblading. Kimberly gives Kenny a look. Kenny asks if she wants to come. Kim says she thought they were going to the mall tomorrow. Kenny tells Rebecca (who came here from another city because he was dying, by the way) that he did make plans with Kimberly. Rebecca acts like it's no big deal that she just got dissed. Kimberly is still giving Kenny the "I don't have to hear this to know what's going on here" look. Kenny squints.
Clay and Meghan have disappeared from the window. Mitch still watches anyway.
Clay sits on the floor and says he can't believe they knew the whole time he was talking to them before. He makes to go, but Meghan says that her mom was cool about it. Clay says he doubts that. Meghan says it's been "a little awkward." She then orders him to sit down and she says that and it was her mother that she was worried about. They begin kissing and this weird porno music takes over.
Mitch stares at an open window. Flash to white and Mitch imagines Clay and Meghan standing in front of her bedroom mirror. Clay kisses Meghan's neck from behind and Meghan watches herself in the mirror. It's all white and hazy. Ew! This Daddy-imagining-his-daughter-in-Eyes-Wide-Shut moment is completely creeping me out. Mitch looks at the empty window. Another flash of white, and he imagines Meghan and Clay making out. Ick. Meghan lifts up her shirt. Ih! Empty window. Mitch leans back to try to get a better view but he can't see anything. He walks towards the house. Mary is still standing there after all this time, apparently just watching him watch the window and she tries to stop him from going inside. "What are you gonna do?" she asks. "What can I do?"
Meghan and Clay are kissing on her bed. Mitch walks in and interrupts them. Awkward moment where Clay and Meghan look guilty and move away from each other. Mitch tells Clay he's going to have to go home. Meghan says, "Why? We, um, we haven't eaten yet." Huh-huh. And for full effect, she starts tugging the front of her shirt down, as if it had been pushed up. "I don't think I have to explain why I don't want my daughter alone in a room with a boy," Mitch says. Clay says that he should go. "No, no, you don't have to. Dad!" Mitch says goodbye to Clay. Meghan continues to tell people what they can and cannot do, but Clay moves to go. Meghan wipes some drool from her chin, which is really funny. Meghan asks why Mitch is acting like they were doing something wrong. "We were kissing." "Well, last time I checked, you didn't need a prescription for kissing." Ooh, burn. Then they both start talking at the same time, so bear with me. Mitch says that she took advantage of their trust. Meghan says she didn't. Mitch says it has to stop. Meghan says that Mitch is wrong. "Dad! You are wrong!" Meghan smiles and then screeches, "What is your problem?" "My problem? I seem to be losing control over everything in this house, starting with you." He grounds her for three weeks and then leaves the room. Meghan gives the door a good slam. Fade to white. Commercial.
Okay, just a second here. Cameron has girlies sleeping over at his house from the first episode and he's a year younger than Meghan and it's okay? Kenny can date two girls at once and talk about giving one of them a sponge bath in front of his family and it's okay? Is it just that Meghan belongs to the men of the Green family and only they can sexually fantasize about her, watch her bathe or grope her hands in the hallway? What the hell is going on here? Why am I trying to mix logic and reason into this show? Why do I care? Why am I still making recaps for this show that we thought would have been gone in December? Why am I helping the ratings by watching this thing and having you guys read it? Why? What did I do to deserve this? You know, even Wing ditched me on these recaps. She passed them off to toenail because the whole damn show was just so nauseating. I don't even have Wing to suffer with me anymore. It's just me and Kisle, and wigbee and that's it [I'm heartened to know that pamie doesn't worry about my suffering - Toenail].
Well, no one ever ate, but the party is apparently over. Mitch and Mary clear the table. (Now all of a sudden Mitch helps out with the chores?) Mitch asks where Meghan is. Mary says she's still in her room. Mitch says she's probably "sticking pins in the Daddy Voodoo doll." Mary says that wouldn't be so wrong of her to do. The use of the word "Daddy" is really starting to give me the shivers, here. Mary says that Mitch was a bit harsh.
As we hear Meghan and Clay on the phone explaining that she's grounded and that she has to see him right now ("I'm suffocating"), we see her walk up to Clay driving up in his car. They hug.
Mitch says, "You know they probably did it in the house. Maybe even in our bedroom." You wish. "Mitch, I do not need to go there right now," Mary "I'm just catching up on lingo from '97" Green says. Mitch calms down and says that he probably didn't make the best choice until Elizabeth walks in and calls him a hypocrite. "Look, all I'm saying is I found out my daughter was sexually active the day she came home and told me she was pregnant with the same child we're all so concerned about." Mitch says just because he and Mary did it, it doesn't make it right for Meghan. Elizabeth "totally, totally" agrees. Mitch says she isn't helping and storms out. Elizabeth pulls Mary in for a hug. She's got on her sensitive red cardigan. I swear this woman's got more cardigans than Mr. Rogers. "Fathers never take it well, do they?" she asks Mary.
Meghan apologizes for the way her dad treated Clay. He says he understands. "Let me play devil's advocate here. Do you ever think about your mom and dad having sex?" Meghan gets all grossed out, as if she doesn't bring up the fact that they had sex at her age every other episode. Clay says that they probably get grossed out thinking of her doing it too. Meghan dips into page four of So, You Just Got Caught Having Nookie: Ten Easy Tips For Brats So That It's Your Problem That No One Can Understand and says with a hair flip, "No, no, I'm sorry, that's no excuse and why, why are you defending him anyway?" Clay says that he isn't and that they probably should just sit down and talk. Meghan says she doesn't want to and that he probably wouldn't listen to her anyway. Like anyone is capable of drowning out her whine. Meghan says she needs to head back. Clay tells her to think about what he said. She waggles her head so that she's not really lying when she doesn't think about what he said ever again. They kiss and exchange love vows.
Kenny sits at his iBook. He sends an e-mail to Kimberly. "I don't know if you got my other two e-mails." Probably not, since you don't have any cords running out of your ethernet/modem extension and I know that family doesn't have an Airport. Cut to Kimberly reading his e-mail on her iMac (remember, if you're young and new to the wonderful online world of love, try Apple. Apple Computers. For the easiest way to send e-mail without an ISP). Kimberly then takes the mouse and highlights the body of Kenny's message. She presses the "delete" key on her keyboard. A large box appears on her screen that says, "MESSAGE DELETED." She's deaf, not a moron. What e-mail program is this? It seems terribly inconvenient to go through your mail.
Meghan sneaks in and as she passes the living room Mary flicks on the light by the chair she's sitting in. Glenn Close much? Meghan asks Mary not to tell Mitch that she went to go see Clay. Well, tells her, anyway. Mary says she can't make any promises. Meghan says she knows that Mary must think he's wrong. "How can you take his side like this?" Mary says she's not taking sides. Meghan gives an eye-roll and goes off to bed. Mary looks after her for a while.
Cameron plays basketball and Kenny walks in. When do these people sleep? What day is it? Kenny asks if anyone called because he left messages for Kimberly and she left the dinner early saying she didn't feel well. Cam laughs and says he bets she didn't. He tells Kenny not to act like "a player" because it doesn't fit him. Kenny says he isn't. Cam says that Kenny should just keep being nice to Rebecca and nice to Kimberly "and everybody else in the Kenny G. love club." Meghan walks in, tripping off the five-note jingle. She sits on the bed and Kenny says he's never seen their dad so angry at her before. Meghan tells them she doesn't want to talk about it. Then Cam gets all serious and PSAish and says, "Look, I know how it is here with the whole sex thing." Kenny says he doesn't know. Cam says that they are here for Meghan. Meghan says she's sure Cam has bigger problems. Kenny asks if he does. Meghan says that Slutgirl told her about Principal Foreshadowing. Check this crappy dialogue: Cam: "Bybee used to be cool. He used to look out for me. Then he turns me out and stabs me in the back. After all Mom and Dad did to get me reinstated back into school." Kenny: "Did you just hear yourself?" Cam: "What?" Meghan: "All the word that Mom and Dad have done. What have you done, Cam?" They all stare for a long time.
Kenny shows up at Kimberly's house and asks why she didn't return her calls. Kimberly calls him stupid. He's all trying to get in her house, but she doesn't want him there. That and it's like, how late? He says he didn't want to hurt Rebecca's feelings. She asks if it's then okay to hurt hers. He says of course it isn't and that wasn't what he was trying to do. She tells Kenny to choose between her and Rebecca. Kenny says that Rebecca is only there one more day and then she won't be a factor. Kim says that's not true and shuts the door. You know, this would have been a good scene if it weren't for the terrible background music. The signing and the script were actually pretty decent. Of course, this was only a two-minute scene.
The big American Flag of Expelled Playa Injustice is lowered on the campus. It's like the afternoon and sunny or something. Cameron storms across the school grounds. He runs up to Principal Foreshadowing, who really doesn't want to talk to him. Attention Fashion Police! Attention! Cameron Green is wearing a powder blue turtleneck and a vest! Please report to your stations immediately! And what day is it? Cam asks for five minutes. PF says he's wasting their time. As the bell rings, Cam says that he's not leaving. Call the police.
Mitch is at his "If the firehouse is rocking, don't come knocking." Clay walks in and asks if he can talk to Mitch about Meghan. I'm so damn bored. Mitch says he's not really sure that Clay should "go there." And with that, I'm not even bothering with the After School Special scene here. You don't care and I don't care. So all you need to know is Clay tells Mitch that he loves Meghan. I can't believe he doesn't start with the "I never had a dad" thing, but he doesn't. It ends with Mitch telling Clay that he won't help this situation by whatever he is going to say. Clay retorts with the, "But whatever you say will make a difference." We watch Mitch stare off into the air for a while and fade to white to commercial.
I take this opportunity for a nap.
Do you think epinions.com would let me warn the world about Get Real? I guess they don't need the warning.
Oh, Captain, my Captain. Cameron is standing in the rain on the empty campus. A woman looks through the window and sighs. She tells Principal Foreshadowing that it's raining. He says he brought an umbrella. She says he shouldn't just let him stand there and get pneumonia. Cameron looks up at the rain and for a second I'm reminded of how turkeys don't understand rain and they often look up at it and drown. It doesn't happen here, so no matter how dumb Cameron may be for thinking that standing in the rain should excuse a felony, at least he's a bit smarter than turkeys.
Kenny has invited Rebecca over to talk. Wasn't she supposed to be gone? Kenny is wearing a plaid Oxford and a knit sweater vest. How is it possible that he's got two girlies at once? Kenny says that sometimes him and Kim go online late at night and discuss the possibility of an asteroid hitting the earth in their lifetime. Rebecca laughs. He says he knows it's crazy, but he never thought he'd meet someone with the same obsessions. I know, I know. Shut up. I have to keep recapping. I know. He says that he feels good when he's with her, but he didn't want to tell Rebecca that "for some stupid reason." Rebecca says he didn't want to hurt her feelings. Kenny says he went and hurt everyone's. Rebecca says she doesn't know why she wanted to meet Kim. "I guess maybe I was just a little bit jealous." That and you flew all the way here for him because he was dying. Kenny walks over to Rebecca and says, "Kimberly's my girlfriend. I don't think I made that clear enough before." Not to any of us, dude. Rebecca says he's making it clear now. And say it with me, "Now I know where I stand. But I don't know if Kimberly knows where she stands." Kenny asks what he should do. Rebecca says he should go now and let her know.
Cam is wet. I am asleep. Principal Foreshadowing is working.
Mary and Mitch are in some building moving things around and building a shelf. What day is it? Mitch tells Mary that Clay came by. He says that he doesn't understand what he thought he'd accomplish by that. Mary says he wouldn't. "What's that supposed to mean?" "At least he tried." When Mary got pregnant they didn't see Mitch again until the wedding rehearsal and even then he cut out right afterwards. What an asshole. "You were scared to death of my father." He said they just had nothing to say to each other. She says he had plenty to say to Mitch. "Hey, I can remember being seventeen and in love with a pretty girl." He says he doesn't hate Clay but he doesn't want to be pals. Mary says the father-boyfriend relationship is difficult. Then she tells Mitch that Meghan snuck out the night before to see Clay. She tells Mitch that he's being too hard on her and that he's driving her away. "Mitch, do you remember how long it took for my father to forgive me?" Mary sits down. NO! NO! I refuse to type any of this dialogue! My ears! My ears! My pretty, pretty eyes! NO! Mary's dad didn't forgive her until he was dying, okay? That's it! That's all I'll recap! I can't take the oboe! I can't take that leprechaun thing she does when she cracks a joke with a wee smile and cock of the head! scene!
Rain. Cameron. No rain in last scene, but whatever. Principal Foreshadowing walks out with his umbrella and says that his secretaries are accusing him of being sadistic. He gives Cam one minute to talk. Cam stays quiet for thirty seconds and then speaks. Okay, no. Listen. I want you to share my pain. You have to be here too, so I'm just going to make you read everything that was said in this scene because it's incredibly bad and I can't believe that anyone would expect me to believe that standing in the rain and then giving some crap-ass pissy speech should excuse a federal offense. You listen to it. Take this. "Okay. What I did was totally wrong. And I'm sorry for that. That's... that's something I didn't get before but now I do." PF: "And what brought on this change of heart?" Cam: "Reality? I, I don't deserve to be in that Juvi Hall of a continuation school. I deserve to be in a real school with real teachers. And you know that, that Russian guy that wrote, uh, 'Let the punishment fit the crime?'" PF: "Dostoyevski?" Cam: "Yeah. He was right. I, I deserve to be punished for what I did. All I'm saying is, um, does this punishment really fit? Come on, Mister Bybee! Man, you know me. You used, you used to believe in me. And I think that I just made you so mad you forgot about that whole thing. Is my time up yet?" PF: "Almost." Cam: "I guess I just want to say that...I know the bottom line. You were there for me and I let you down. It's not gonna happen again. I'm done." PF: "It was Gilbert. W. S. Gilbert wrote 'Let the punishment fit the crime.' Dostoyevski wrote Crime and Punishment. What the hell do they teach you in that continuation school, anyway?" Cam: "Chemistry. You know, like how to make a crystal meth lab in your garage." Oh, it's fun to laugh at the less fortunate, isn't it? PF walks in and Cam calls him. PF tells Cam that his speech was a "self-absorbed rationalization for bad behavior." Word. But then he screws it all up by saying, "I'm letting you back in because anyone dumb enough to stand in the rain and risk pneumonia needs an education." He goes on to say something about not disappointing him but Cam's all "blah, blah, blah, I'm so getting laid again! Woo-hoo!" Principal Foreshadowing throws his umbrella at Cam and says that the apology is accepted. Cam gives a "yes."
Oh, Lordy. The rain continues, and it's like more rain that John Cusak has ever performed in with all of his movies combined. Kenny stands at Kim's door and when she opens it he signs, "I choose you." She smiles and instantly hugs him. She takes him into her house for some lovin'.
Cam walks in and shakes his head like a wet puppy. Elizabeth "One line left! Watch me use it!" Green walks up and says, "What the hell happened to you?" "Made a fool out of myself. Apparently that is the secret to success." Yeah, no kidding. I'm having trouble watching this scene because they've wrapped a blue cardigan around Elizabeth's neck and she's holding a book right up to the camera that's clearly authored by Clyde Phillips, the producer and original writer of this "show." He tells her that he got back into Truman and kisses her cheek. As he walks off, Elizabeth stands there with her bad clothes and her bad book and her glass of wine and says, "That's great." And the subtext clearly reads, "I miss being on Friends with all of my heart and soul. This is so not what my manager promised me."
Meghan's bedroom dresser has a picture of her and Clay with Clay's Cracker Jack medallion dangling from it (I guess she stopped wearing it), and a picture of her and her dad at apparently the one Carnival they ever went together. Mitch is in Meghan's room, staring at the pictures. Ugh, so creepy. And wrong. Get. Out. Of. Her. Room.
Woah! Woah! The pixels are swirling again! Help! Flashback Mitch is telling Flashback Meghan that he was really scared to find she was gone when he walked back from turning his back on her and leaving a kid alone in a park with a big stuffed animal like the responsible parent that he is. Flashback Meghan said she went to go see Andy and she doesn't want to talk about it because it's embarrassing because Mitch is her dad. Flashback Mitch asks if Andy likes her. Flashback Meghan shrugs. Flashback Mitch offers to go back and see if they can find Andy and if they do he'll stay back a "respectable distance." "But not too far?" Bratty Flashback Meghan sucks-up. "Not too far." Woah! Pixel power!
Meghan walks into her room like she fully expects Mitch to be there. He says, "Sorry to ambush you here like this, but, you can, well, you can add that to the list of things I need to apologize here for [sic]." Meghan shuts the door. Mitch says that he's been a "jerk" to her and Clay lately and he wanted to apologize. This is much longer than I'll make it. He says this isn't his "finest moment as a father." "You see, I do this thing where I still think of you as if you were ten years old. My little girl." He says it caught him off-guard that she was having sex. He asks her if she remembers Andy. After a few reminders on which one Andy was she says, "It wasn't exactly my first crush, Dad." Mitch says that's the one he remembers. "I remember thinking, 'Oh God. Here we go. It's starting. Now she's going to run off one day with some guy and never come back." He says now he knows that day is closer and he realizes their relationship is changing, and he wants to do whatever it takes to make sure that change is stronger. She says she only liked Andy for three days and then she liked someone else. Woah. There are real tears here. Real tears from Meghan. Good job. She says that Mitch made her cocoa and talked to her when she cried for a week over Andy (Why? She liked someone else) and that he told her there would be lots of other boys. "Well, I got that one right, huh?" "You got a lot of stuff right, Dad." "Well, not lately." Meghan gets a Blair Witch snot moment and says, "Daddy? The last few days have been really hard for me. I can't bear you being angry at me." Mitch says that it's hard for him to accept that the older Meghan gets the less she needs him. "Don't you get it, Dad, the older I get I'm never gonna stop needing you or loving you?" As Meghan and Mitch hold each other I vomit over every piece of furniture I own. I yank down the curtains in anger and I burn my BFA in acting from the University of Texas. I give up. I fucking give up. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I cannot make a difference. If this schmaltz is all I have to look forward to then I don't want my future. You take it. You watch this show. You suffer. Fuck the Greens. Fuck the five-note jingle.
Flashback Mitch watches Flashback Meghan on the carousel with Andy. She smiles. He smiles. The gospel singers tell me that it's almost over. And then, just like that, it is.
PSA for www.teenpregancy.org. week Slutgirl and Cameron might hook up, but it looks like Slutgirl is interested in someone else. Meghan gets attacked by a son of a family friend and then Clay beats him up and Mary wants to know "what the hell is going on."
I need to go put out the fires I started all over my living room now. And get really sloppy drunk and forget that I've only got until Wednesday to enjoy my life. Oh, wait. Monday I've got to recap Billy and that brain tumor for Ally McBeal. Oh, well. It's almost summer, right? Right? Hello? Is anyone still there? Hello?