Previously on Get Real: Cameron got expelled. Mary asks Cam not to screw up his life. Clay loves Meghan and so she gives it up for him. They change her line from "And I love you for saying that" to "And I love you."
Mary runs down the stairs to the World's Largest Kitchen as the camera pans over to Cameron "I'm So Like, Totally Oppressed" Green and Kenny "I'm Feeling Much Better Now" Green watching extreme sports on the television. Kenny changes the channel. Cameron says that he was watching that. Kenny informs him that Tori Amos is on Larry King. I try not to laugh, that Kenny would be interested in both Tori and Larry. Cameron interrupts my thought by telling Kenny that it really doesn't matter anyway, since he's going to prison the day. "It's not prison. It's continuation school," Mitch "Number One Dad" Green says as he enters with Mary. Mary is wearing some sort of sequined shirt and a leather jacket. Mitch is wearing a black t-shirt and a gray blazer. Cameron says that he got expelled so his life is over, but Mary interrupts him to say that she and Mitch are going out and that they'd be back by eleven. She says that she's leaving the restaurant information with "the sitter." This causes a freak-out among the Green children about how they don't need a sitter. Mitch says they'd feel better leaving the kids under a "watchful eye." Before they can protest any further, Debi Mazar walks in with her icy eyes and strange lisp and makes both Kenny and Cam very happy. There is much hugging and long-time-no-seeing. At one point Cam actually says, "Holy cow!" so I wish they'd stop letting him ad-lib. Mary announces that Kate (Debi) is in town promoting her new book. Kenny says he knows about the book Ronin's Lair and that he'd already read the first chapter on her website. Kate says that she's doing a signing the day at the local bookstore. Kate says that she "conned" Mary into catering it for her. Sure, Kate, you keep thinking you have control of your own thoughts and morals around the Greens.
Clay and Meghan share a kiss under an umbrella in the rain. Young new-sex love always brings the rainstorms. Meghan is wearing a giant blue turtleneck, so she must be getting some hickeys. That's the only excuse I'll allow. Meghan is telling Clay to take a few more laps down the bleachers. As he runs off, she takes a few more steps up. As he turns around and runs back up the wet stairs (fall! fall! slip and fall!), she tells him that he has to earn his kisses. Clay takes a breath and tells Meghan that they have to talk. "'Kay," Meghan says, already pissed. Clay says that a recruiter called him this morning from Boston University. They offered him a full scholarship for track. He says they want him to start in June. Meghan widens her prissy eyes, smiles way too big and says, "Boston?" as if he had said something terribly vulgar. She asks what happened to UCLA. Clay says they didn't offer him a scholarship. Meghan looks down and pouts. Clay says he knows it's far away but that she would have a good time coming to visit and she might have fun coming up and seeing him compete. "Oh yeah, great, I'll buy a cheerleading outfit too," Miss Bratty Bitch 2000 snaps with an eye-roll. "Meghan?" Clay asks. "No! I can't believe you didn't tell me about this before!" Meghan has her mouth open, so you know Clay's in trouble. "It just happened!" "Yeah, but I mean you applied months ago, right?" "It was a long shot," Clay stammers, visibly shocked that his girlfriend is truly, truly a horrible, self-centered person. "I didn't even think I'd get in... let alone a full scholarship. I can't afford to say no to this." Meghan brats her head to the side and says, "I finally get into a normal relationship and it's over by summer." BITCH! Not one "congratulations." The Center of the Universe II is really out of control. Someone needs a spanking. "Now give me twenty," she says. She doesn't, but she does.
Mary tells Kate that Kenny has grown up to be her "number one fan." Kate says she has a question to tell if he's a true fan. "Which vampire gave Ronin the dark gift?" Kenny says, "Kenneth." Kate asks where he thinks she got that name. Kenny totally freaks out at being an inspiration to her books and says that he's got about twenty phone calls to make. You would have laughed if you had heard his squeal. This is a scene I hope his parents keep around for future girlfriends. "Rise to live!" Kenny shouts with a fist in the air and then runs out. I'm gonna assume that's something to do with the vampire books and not some new catchphrase they're hoping we're gonna pick up like "I need to download my day with you." Everyone laughs and Mary and Mitch hold hands and smile at each other because they are unsure of their reason for being in the scene.
Back at Love Means Constantly Having To Say You're Sorry, Clay is holding Meghan's hands and saying, "Nothing has to end." He's telling her that they can make it work. Meghan tsks and says that he'll be gone and "for all intents and purposes" he's never coming back. Clay says he'll be home for Christmas. Meghan says, "That's two weeks out of the year. Do you think that's 'making it work'?" I wish Clay would take his umbrella and run home really quickly. But instead he doesn't do anything, which gives the Center of the Universe II the window to lower her head, nod, pout and say, "That's what I thought." She then gets on the ground and lies on her back to completely feel the high of martyrdom. It's better than heroin for the Green family. Fade to white to opening credits.
Finally someone has heard my prayers and has put commercials after the opening credits. Thank you.
Mitch is driving Cameron to school. Oh Lord, who gave the mouth breather gum? Mitch tells Cam that they are trying to get him back into Truman, and that he's on the wait list for four other private schools but until then he has to go to alternative school (Thank you! There's a law, you know). Mitch says that it could be a very positive experience for him. "Are you high? I'm going to Alcatraz," Cam says, as the sensitive oboe wails along with the tearful pre-teens that want Cam's pretty face unscathed. Mitch says that it'll be hard, but Cam might learn a lesson. "What lesson?" "Actions have consequences." If this school teaches that, then perhaps the entire Green family might want to check in for a semester.
Who's this Ethan Embry that the kids keep talking about these days? Well, he's a guest star in this episode.
As Cam and Mitch pull up to the gated school area Cam says, "No guard towers, that's a good sign." "Cam, this isn't my fault. Okay? You put yourself here." It goes against the Green code to accept any fault in any situation, you see. Mitch tells Cam that he'll pick him up at three. "Whatever," Cam says as he cues the Testosterone Guitar and storms out of the Saab like the poor white boy he is. You can't go to Alternative School in a Saab. He's so gonna get beat up. extras chosen for this shot. Each one of them wears an outfit that costs over a hundred dollars. One has at least fifty bucks worth of Bed Head. Two ski caps. One flannel shirt. One girl. The metal detector sets off on one kid, and they toss him into the fence and start patting him down. They pull something from his back pocket (a really good hiding space) that looks like a metal sex toy. I guess it's supposed to be a folded switchblade. But it's fabulous looking. The busted twenty-eight year old lets the guard push his shoulder back and forth as Cameron looks around suspiciously.
In the School Without Classes, Clay is making Mandatory Locker Check while Slutgirl and Meghan are in the Not-So-Secret-Lovers Hideout. Since Ferret apparently transferred, anyone can sit up there with Meghan now. Slutgirl is giving Meghan a blow-by-blow (huh-huh) on Clay trying to open his locker. She says that he doesn't look upset or bothered. She's holding a giant fuzzy purse, a leopard print mini-dress and fuck-me boots. Nope, this girl's image is squeaky clean. Slutgirl notices that Clay is having problems getting into his locker. He's trying to open the wrong one. "Yep, he's hurting," Slutgirl says. Meghan asks to be spared the details. Slutgirl sits down to her. Meghan monotones, "You know I can't believe a college scholarship, which is supposed to be a good thing, is the reason that I lose him." Oh, wah. It's not like you've got plans for year, girl. Remember how you were going to backpack across Europe with the boy you were in love with three boys ago? Slutgirl says that it's better that Meghan found out now: "I mean, you guys were doomed from the beginning." Meghan gives Slutgirl a really bitchy glare, but it's hard to notice with this giant purple spotty turtleneck she's wearing. I guess she was so upset about Clay's news that she had to go home and change. Slutgirl is lost in her own fashion faux pas, so she doesn't stop talking. She says that high school relationships always end because someone has to go away and someone stays home. "Hello? Depressing!" Meghan snots. "Hello? Reality?" Slutgirl retorts. "Well, obviously my first mistake was coming to you for sympathy," Meghan brats. Well, girl, I got to tell you, it's a better idea than coming to me. Or the rest of the world. Slutgirl says that Meghan has a couple of months, and that she should just have fun until graduation. Meghan says that "this isn't fun" for her. "Obviously," Slutgirl says. "I'm serious," Meghan interrupts, cueing more piano swirly music. Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare to be moved. Badly. "I've never felt this way before. I feel like Clay and I were meant... to be together, I mean, my day doesn't start until I've talked to Clay or touched him. I, I... sometimes just knowing he's here in the same building makes me happy. How can I give this up?" She curls her lip quite a bit, but don't worry, no tears.
At this point the dueling St. Clares on my television stand walk down over to me and put their tiny hands on mine. "Please stop," they beg me. There are tears in their eyes. "We suffered much pain in our lives. We've been tortured and shunned and taken vows of silence. We cannot handle much more of this schmaltzy crap. Seriously. Please. Turn it off. Turn it off or we'll do something. We're warning you." I pick the ladies up and put them back in their places.
As Cameron waits in the metal detector line we get to see the "at risk kid"
Mary and Kate are setting up for the book signing as a young boy bangs on the window. Mary yells that they aren't open yet, but he says he just wants to reserve his copy of the book for the signing tonight. He sees Kate and waves and smiles. This is that boy you guys are talking about, but I don't know why he looks familiar. I need to go see more movies. Kate tells him she'll see him tonight. "Rise to live!" he shouts as he takes off. "Welcome to my hell," Kate says to Mary, because it's so hard having fans. Then they both laugh forcedly. "Legions of fans," Mary smiles. She says that Kate could start her own church. Kate says it's the price for being "the new Anne Rice." "HEY!" I hear from a mansion in New Orleans. Mary tells Kate that she's so proud of her. Kate says it means a lot to her coming from Mary. They say those words but it sounds like, "It's nice you have your little hobby." "Thanks, you snobby whore."
Cam is getting the lowdown on his new school. As some Authority Figure stops the water fountain from overflowing (note improperly drawn anarchy symbol) he tells Cam that he might want to consider bringing his lunch instead of money. He shows Cameron to his locker. Cam looks amazed that there's no lock on it. The AF tells Cam that they routinely do locker searches, so it just saves time. Cam asks how he can make sure that his stuff doesn't get taken. AF suggests Cam doesn't leave anything valuable in there. "So what's the point of having a locker?" "Policy." Cam is like, so upset, yo.
Kate shows Mary that the new book is dedicated to her. "For Mary Green, the First Believer" it says, but Mary has to go ahead and read it out loud to us. "Thank you! Thank you!" Mary starts emoting, like she just won a friggin' Oscar. They hug.
In the Greens Only Staircase, Clay walks over to the pouty Meghan and hands her an application to Boston. She looks at him like he just puked on her fleece turtleneck. He says that she could still get in "under the wire." Actually, I don't think she can, since she already was early acceptance to like, three schools (which I don't think you can do, either), and so she's probably ruined her chances to apply for another one. Clay says he wants Meghan to come to Boston with him. Meghan says, "That's great, Clay, but you know I already decided not to go to college." "You keep saying that," Clay says. "You keep making such a big deal out of not going to college. So what's the plan?" Meghan says that she doesn't know but... (big smile)... "I'll make up my mind in Boston." Buh-nuh-na-na-nuh! Jesus, this five-note jingle is so predicable. "So you'll come?" Meghan repeats a few "yes"'s and says that she wants to be with him. She stands up on the staircase to meet his face. The bell rings, signaling the end of another non-class they skipped. Meghan is giggly as Clay says, "This is great." They do an awkward hug as Clay says he has to get to practice. Meghan tells him to go. He says he'll come by that night. He comes back up the stairs and gives her a kiss. Meghan giggles.
Cameron has walked into his new classroom. There are six students. Everlast is playing, because Cam is so damn street. As Cam chooses a seat (which isn't what happens in Alternative School, but whatever), two "students" stand up from the back desk in unison and do some sort of hand signal and shimmy in time to the music on either side of Cam's desk. Either we're about to be treated to Cam getting pulverized or a very special rendition of "Beat It." Either way, I can't wait. The kid who got thrown out of the school for the metallic dildo is back and in Cam's face. "We need money," he says to Cam. They lean in towards his face. "It's for a good cause," he adds. "What's the cause?" Cam asks, trying to be cool. "Band uniforms." "The school doesn't have a band." The other kid whips out a black wand and flips it open like Cam's about to get Nun-slapped. "We're starting one," he says. He presses the wand up to Cam's cheek. "Wanna learn how to play the flute?" Whaaaa? Wait. No. What? Seriously. Cameron slaps the wand down as metallic boy grabs Cam's face and holds him close. Oh, so close. Close enough to feel the breath on his neck. The other boy leans in nice and tight to Cam's lips as Cam pants and touches the other boy's neck with his fingertips. "I'm not really into music," Cam retorts, as the female extra in the background is suddenly right in the shot. Metallic Boy licks his lips and says, "Give it up," and then gives a sexy exhale. Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him please! Cameron weakly holds up a five-dollar bill with an ATM receipt and weakly drops it as Everlast compares Cam to Jesse James. They let him go and move their desks back. "It was nice doing business witchoo," Leather Jacket says to Cam, and then purses his lips and nods. Cam's Old Navy Pullover remained unhurt. He stands up, overturns his desk and storms out of the room, pushing some clueless extra out of the way. Cam walks over to the school fence, tosses his bag over it, and slips out the chain. Right. RIGHT! Like the at-risk school doesn't lock the doors during class.
It is suddenly night. The line for the book signing is out the store and down the street. Kate signs books as Mary walks around looking a bit jealous that the attention of the world is not really completely focused on her right now. She just sidles up and sits to Kate (Hey, Mary! She's working!) and says that "the suits are having a feeding frenzy." Nice job, bringing it back to you, babe. Kate makes the obligatory compliment on Mary's catering. Crazy Fan Boy walks up as Mary walks away and says hi to Kate. She says hi and asks whom she should make the autograph out to. He says, "Uh, to Wade. Me! You can sign it to Wade." He reminds her that he was here earlier and she had told him to make sure he came back tonight, so he did because she had asked him to. He was invited and all. He says that they met once before at the San Diego Comicon. He asks if she could sign his entire series. Suit Guy pulls Crazy Fan Boy's arm and says, "One signature per person." Crazy Fan Boy says that it's okay because Kate knows him. Kate lowers her heavily eye-lined eyes. Suit Guy is still pulling on Crazy Fan Boy's arm and telling him that it's policy to only get one signature per person. As Crazy Fan Boy keeps trying to explain his situation Mary looks around the room like she's getting a signal from the Chief that it's time to don her Center of the Universe Cape and use her Special Powers of Deduction and Psychic Healing. The Suit Guy grabs Crazy Fan Boy's arm and pulls him away from Kate and through the line, where I see three of my friends in line as extras. Boys! Get away from that script! You're too good for this! And they only got one Goth kid to be a fan of the Vampire books. Whatever. Mary and Kate exchange a look, but now I'm too busy searching the rest of the extras cast for friends. Kate pushes up her sleeves and moves on.
Out back in the dark alley, where all the women go immediately after getting tripped out by an aggressive fan, Mary carries an Important Box to the trunk of her Explorer. As she starts loading the trunk Crazy Fan Boy asks if she's a friend of Kate's. She says she is. CFB asks if she'll apologize to Kate for him for asking too much from her. She says that she's sure Kate is fine with it, but she'll let her know. He asks if her and Kate are close. Mary brags that they are. She then puts out her hand and introduces herself. Nice job, Mar. CFB introduces himself back. He says that Kate is "great." "Yeah, she is," Mary smiles. "And talented and, and, um, and grateful to have fans like you." CFB shows Mary all of this fanfic that he's written and put up on his website for her. He asks Mary if she could show some of his stories to Kate. Mary says that he probably should go through Kate's publisher for something like that. CFB apologizes and Mary shakes his hand and says it was nice meeting him. She goes up the stairs and back into the store as he looks on broodingly. As he puts his notebook back in his bag we get to see the (gasp!) gun in his bag. He looks back at the store and then gets in his car. Testosterone Guitar. Cargo pants. The favorite of Stalker Boys everywhere.
Fade up to Kate standing from behind a table and shaking someone's hand just as Mary is butting into another conversation. We see this through a window, as Crazy Fan Boy is leaning against a tree to stare and smile. The books illuminated on his shoulder look like a package of dynamite.
Cut to Green Manor. Mitch is all up in Cam's face. Like, literally. Kenny sits on the couch and flips channels. Mitch says he just got off the phone with the school. "You cut classes the first day?" "I had a problem." Mitch tells Cam that if he has a problem he calls a teacher or a principal but doesn't just run away. Cam tries to say it isn't that simple, but Mitch interrupts and says, "You pull a stunt like this it tells me this is exactly where you belong." What happened to the last episode where Kenny was all dying and Mitch told Cam that he'd go easier on him? Mitch says that if Cameron has a problem, then talk. Long, slow close-up of Cameron slowly shaking his head and opening his mouth. His mouth makes a spit bubble as he says, "No problem." "Good," Mitch says, and walks off. Cameron stands agape ("really?") for a few seconds and then joins Kenny on the couch. Kenny asks if it was really that bad. "I go to school with a bunch of criminals," Cam says like he's Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club. "I'll be lucky if I fight my way out alive." Hey, Cam. News flash. You're a criminal. You bust some girl out of rehab, take her to a rave, crash a truck through a high school... you're not Greg Brady. Cam says that he needs to just be invisible. Kenny says he can give some pointers on that. "First rule: no bright colors." The doorbell rings as Meghan walks down the stairs towards the door. "I'll get it," she says, like she has to do everything around here. If she's already walking towards the door and she already knows it's Clay, then what is the big flipping deal? I hate Meghan.
"Hey," Clay says. "Hi!" Meghan chirps back. Red sweater. Bizarre purple turtleneck-y thing. "So you wanna start packing your things right now?" Clay asks as Kenny gives the eyebrow. Meghan looks guilty and rushes Clay into the We Need To Talk Bench. It's like two months before graduation. What does she need to pack? The oboe is in full force as Clay asks why Meghan hasn't told them yet. She says, "The less time my mom has to freak out about it the better." Clay pulls out a map of Boston. He shows where the dorms are and where a string of apartments are in walking distance. Meghan asks why they wouldn't get a place together. He says that all freshmen have to live in campus housing. "Oh!" Meghan says. He says that they can live together his sophomore year. Meghan says "good," but she's a really bad liar. Clay says he looked over his schedule and thinks that he can cram all of his classes into three days, leaving them a four-day weekend. Meghan says that she's going to have to get a job so she can have her apartment, and won't have the luxury of a four-day weekend. They decide these are all details and that she can get a roommate and they'll live off his meal plan. She says she can get used to cafeteria food. Sure, Meghan. Sure. They kiss. Meghan leans back into his arms as they romanticize their Boston life together.
As Kate and Mary leave the bookstore into the dark alley where Crazy Fan Boy is, they still discuss Mary's food because Kate knows how to play Mary's game. He walks up to them and tells Kate that he needs to talk to her. Kate says that the signing is over. CFB pulls out his gun. Cue trauma music. Kate pulls Mary towards the car and tells her to keep moving. "No, you can't go!" CFB says, holding the gun at them. He cocks the trigger and starts yelling at Kate. "You act like I'm your friend. You invite me to come down here and then you turn around and you treat me like I'm nobody. Do you have any idea what that makes me feel like?" Kate puts her hands to her lips. Mary, wondering how she can get a gun to ensure the constant position of the Center of the Universe, tells CFB that he doesn't need a gun to talk to Kate. She tells him to just talk. He says that they've met three times before and she doesn't even remember him. Mary says it's hard for Kate to remember the important fans. Kate asks CFB what he wants. He says he'd like to sit somewhere and talk. Mary says that Kate is pretty tired right now, but if he gave Kate the stories he wrote she could take them home and they could get together tomorrow and talk about it. This calms down CFB instantly and he starts digging through his bag for his notebook, discussing how his stories aren't as good as Kate's but how cool it would be if they could talk about them. As he digs through his bag Kate s l o w l y , e v e r s o s l o w l y, grabs a gun from her pocket, holds it up to him, and shoots. He stares at them, stunned for a second, looks to his stomach, and stumbles. Mary runs towards CFB as we actually see three red drops of blood fall on the pages of his fanfic. Geez. Kate's mouth is open. CFB holds a bloodied hand to his chest and gasps for air. He falls forward to the ground as Mary puts her arms around him. Fade to black. Commercial.
Fade up to the alley, this time with police. They put CFB in a body bag and zip him up. The photographer takes a picture of the body after the bag has been zipped. I don't know why, either. Kate is telling a detective that she has a permit, but she doesn't have it with her because she doesn't live there. She was in town to do some work. A detective asks Mary how she got CFB's blood on her shirt. There's a slow motion flashback to Mary running to CFB's side when he hit the ground and pulling him onto his back. She says she tried CPR. The detective asks if she knew him. "No," she says. Flashback of Mary giving CFB CPR. The detective asks if the first time Mary spoke to CFB if he gave any indication of being a threat. Flashback of gunshot. CFB recoiling. She says he didn't. He "seemed sweet." I want to tell the detective to get a load of her kids if he wants to see her definition of the word "sweet." CFB is wheeled away. The detective tells Mary they'll continue it tomorrow. He gives her a number for a crisis counselor. Kate walks up to Mary and asks if she wants a ride home. "Huh?" Mary asks. "I'm leavin', they said I could leave." I thought that was Mary's car they were loading. Whatever. Mary says that Mitch is coming to pick her up and that she'll call her. Kate walks off, but Mary's still got her unsettled face on, so the entire world can expect some bitching and moaning pretty soon. Mitch shows up and busts through the crime scene and gets directed to Mary. They hug during the spinny-cam.
The spinny-cam continues as Cam hugs Mary. Mary asks why everyone is up and that they should be in bed. "Oh, Mom, please don't worry about us," Center of the Universe II whines with arms crossed. This gun-shooting thing is so taking away from her boyfriend leaving in two months crisis. Mary asks for a glass of water. Elizabeth sits down with Mary (she's wearing her sensitive lavender cardigan, so you know she's not going to be aggressive in this scene. Only turtlenecks and purple cardigans for this woman.), and asks what the shooter wanted. "He was a stupid fan with a gun," Mitch says, mocking concern for Mary by rubbing her shoulders. They're just getting to this now? "Thank God Kate was carrying a gun," Elizabeth says. Mary gives her the shocked face. "Why?" "Why? Because she got him before he got you." Mary asks how she can say that. Mitch says that Elizabeth is right (call the press!) and that if he had been there he would have shot the guy himself. "How can you say that?" Mary asks incredulously. "To protect my family? Yeah, I mean that." "Mom, the guy attacked you," Cameron says, wondering if he can be his mom's bodyguard for the few days and miss school. Mary says that he didn't attack her and that he had a name and she can't understand why everyone is so happy that someone got killed. "Mom, we're not, we're just glad that you're okay," Daddy's Little Girl is so not scoring points with her namesake. Mary sees Elizabeth taking her bloody clothes to the trash and Mary has a fit. Everyone says she should get rid of them, but Mary wants to keep them. She says she'll have them cleaned. Mitch says she can buy new clothes. Mary yells at everyone to stop fighting her. Yes, this scene is as childish as it sounds. Mary storms off as everyone else thinks about how this is so much worse than when Mary was pregnant.
Mary has a sleepless night. She gets up from her bed and goes through her enormous house to the garage. In the attic she pulls down several boxes loaded with photographs. She pours them all out and starts going through them one by one. We see a few baby pictures. Fade to shots of the pictures piled up. "Mary, whatcha doin'?" Elizabeth asks her, like Mary just suffered a head trauma and is trying to figure out the difference between Grover and Elmo. Mary says she wanted to get the photographs in order. For staying up all night, she sure didn't get much accomplished. Elizabeth offers the crisis hotline number that she "found" in Mary's pocket. What a snoop. Mary tells Elizabeth to throw the card away. Elizabeth says she'll put the card on the refrigerator. Mary tells Elizabeth to throw it away. Mitch walks into the World's Largest Kitchen as Elizabeth whispers to him, "She was up all night." "I know, I sleep with her. I'm her husband. I know these things. And change out of that damn purple cardigan for Pete's sake." He doesn't say any of that, but he should. Mitch walks over to Mary and asks if he needs to worry about her. "No," she says. "Let me rephrase that, I'm worried about you." "Well, don't be, Mitch." He says she went through a horrible experience and he wants to help her. "Well, you can't, Mitch." The Center of the Universe has spoken. Kenny walks into the room and listens to his parents. As Mary gets frustrated with Mitch trying to talk to her about it and the strummy music gets louder Kenny continues his Kevin Arnold tradition of being more aware of his parents' relationship than any other sibling.
Kenny goes back to his room and stares at the Ronin's Lair poster that takes up a whole wall of his room. He looks at the books on his shelf and sees the dedication to Mary. Last time we were in Kenny's room there was a Sonic the Hedgehog poster. One little bout with meningitis and our boy's all growns up.
Kenny opens the door to Meghan's room and sees her brushing her hair (of course). "Hey!" she says, as if her mother wasn't almost killed the night before, her brother wasn't robbed, her other brother almost didn't die a week before, her boyfriend wasn't leaving, her Mom didn't just have a miscarriage, her dad didn't almost have an affair, her best friend didn't try and get her expelled after she stole her boyfriend, her English teacher didn't quit because she forced her to admit she was having an affair with another one of her boyfriends, and her thighs weren't sore from doing the deed for the first time while Kenny was being taken off the respirator. She asks if he's okay. He says that he goes in his room and sees the big wall of Kate's books. There's a moment here where the camera switches from the door mirror all the way across the room to the door and I have to close my eyes from the motion sickness. Kenny says that he can't help but think about what happened to Mary last night. "I can't imagine what it's like for Mom." Meghan shakes her head, and her hair is suddenly all wild and messy. She smiles and laughs and says, "I don't know either, Kenny." Oh, the fun. "I... I... I think all we can really do for Mom right now is just... help her in any way that we can. You know, let her know that we love her." Right. You first, girlie.
Elizabeth barges in and says that she found the Boston University Course Schedule on the table, and she's not getting her hopes up, but if there's something Meghan would like to talk to her about, she'd like to hear it. Kenny asks if he should leave. Meghan tells him that he should. Meghan explains that Clay is thinking about going to college. Elizabeth brushes Meghan's hair and asks how she feels about going all the way to Boston. "He got a scholarship, I'm happy for him," Meghan says for the first time. Meghan then says that she wasn't going to say anything, but that she's planning on going with him. Elizabeth takes a breath and asks why Meghan would go to the college capital of the world and not go to college. Meghan says that it's a chance for her to live in a different city and have a different life. Elizabeth asks Meghan how she plans on paying for this different life. Meghan says she'll get a job. Elizabeth asks how long they've been dating. "I don't know," Meghan says, because it gets confusing with all of the cheating and lies, "but we've known how we feel about each other for a really long time." Elizabeth marvels that Meghan is willing to completely change her life to follow a boy. She says that Clay is going to be busy with school and friends and his new life and Meghan is just going to end up watching it. The five-note jingle goes wild. Meghan says they'll figure something out. Elizabeth steps in with her purple cardigan and says that Meghan will have to figure something out because Clay's already figured out what he's going to do. She says that she was on Meghan's side when she was fighting with Mary about not going to college because she always knew that Meghan would make "smart choices." "I don't want to lose him," Meghan says, playing with her braid. Elizabeth laughs and pulls Meghan closer. I find that patronization is usually the best way to console the Center of the Universe II. She tells Meghan to figure out what she wants to do first before she makes a decision that could affect the rest of her life. Go! Go to Boston! Get out of here! Go!
Mitch and Mary are wrapping things up with the detective. Mary asks what CFB's last name was and if he had a family. The detective tells her that he's had a history of mental illness and had attempted to commit himself a couple of times. He said they had to turn him away. "Not enough beds. You know, same old story." I love it when Get Real gets all preachy.
Outside the detective's office Kate takes a post-homicide nap on a bench. Mary asks if she can talk to her. Mary asked why Kate didn't call. Kate says she was tired. Mary tells Kate how CFB had tried to commit himself. "So?" asks Kate. Mary says that means that he knew he needed help, he just couldn't get it. "What do you expect me to do with that news?" Kate asks. "I don't know," Mary says, knowing full well she needs Kate to confess guilt so the Green family can continue to be immortal creatures of the night. Mary says she thought Kate would like to know. "What? So I feel bad about myself? Because I don't, okay?" Mary stammers that the kid was troubled. Kate asks if she should have given the kid a hug. She goes on about how John Lennon was shot by Mark Chapman five hours after giving him an autograph. "The guy was a psycho. He deserved what he got. I don't need you to tell me he was troubled. I need you to say to me, 'Hey, Kate. Thanks for saving my life.'" Don't hold your breath. The five-note jingle takes us to commercial.
Kenny says good morning to Mary but she starts laying into him about how he never cleans up anything around there. He asks how she's doing. She says she's fine. He asks about Kate. She says she hasn't heard from her and she doesn't know where she's staying. Kenny asks if there's anything else he can do. Mary says that everyone can clean up and stop cluttering the place. "Our clutter," Cameron says. "The woman has fifteen years of photos stacked in the kitchen." "Oh, shut up," Meghan brats, as if she's never said a harsh thing in her life. Mary is yelling at some publisher person on the phone who doesn't know where Kate is staying. She slams the (cordless) phone down and jostles her coffee. I don't see a spill, but she curses and starts cleaning. Mitch walks over and says that Mary needs to calm down and that if Kate wanted to see her she'd get in touch with her. He said that Kate made things pretty clear. "So, what? Are you suggesting that I never talk to her again?" Mitch says that she should give Kate a little room. Mary tells him to leave her alone. She says that Mitch wasn't there but Kate was and she needs to talk to her. Mitch says that the whole family (his stress, not mine) can see "how much pain" she's in and that they'd "like to help." The phone rings, and Mary finds out where Kate is staying. The Center of the Universe can control all personal assistants.
In the School Without Classes, Clay and Meghan meet up in an empty hallway, so we know the important relationship scene is about to happen. Clay says he's glad she came by because he was hoping for a little "inspiration." Meghan gives Clay the we-need-to-talk. "I've been thinking a lot about this, [-- you mean for the past twenty-four hours?--] about, um, moving to Boston, and part of me really, really wants to go with you, I mean to live in a new city, to be with you..." "But part of you doesn't." Cue the sappy piano. "This is your dream, Clay. And, it's great. But it isn't mine. I still have to figure out what mine is. I can't go to Boston with you." The lights go out in the school for some reason. "So, uh, where does that leave us?" "Same place we were before. You're here and I'm here. And for right now, I want to be with you." She kisses his forehead. "And later?" "Will be later. I just have to believe that things will work out." They hug in the dark.
Mitch pulls up to the Alternative School Without Classes and sees another police crime scene. He busts through again and asks for Cameron. "Don't know him," some guy says. Mitch finds Cam leaning against a pole. "You okay?" he asks. "Sure," Cam says nonchalantly. "What happened?" "I don't know, these guys were talking about killing somebody. I guess this school takes threats pretty seriously. They're the same guys that were in my face the first day." As the two "Beat It" boys get led away in cuffs Mitch looks ill. "You okay?" Cameron asks. He takes Cam away from the school. They get in the car and Mitch says that he's pulling Cam out of there and that he's going to home school Cameron himself "starting Monday." Oh, that'll get this kid to read. Hey, Mitch, you've got to take a test to home school your kid. It's not like you can just keep him at home. Cameron asks about the "valuable lesson" he was supposed to learn. Mitch says that after the whole shooting thing him and Mary would prefer Cameron was at a school where he felt safe. Cameron says he won't put up an argument. Cue the five-note jingle on Testosterone Guitar. "Sorry I wasn't listening," Mitch says. "I won't make that mistake again." Everybody learns something. "What about the school board?" Cam asks. "Screw 'em," Mitch says as he drives off. Ah, yes. Respect for the education system.
Mary goes all busting in on Kate without calling or anything, just like a Green member does. Mary asks to talk. "I don't see the point in going over this again and again," Kate says. She asks if they can just agree to disagree. Mary says that she knows this must be hard for Kate but deep down she's got to agree that there was something tender inside this kid and not just some "rabid dog." "It is so like you to want to save the world," Kate says. It is? "The time to save that guy was long before he pointed a gun at us." Mary says that Kate did what she had to do, "but can't you at least acknowledge that what happened was a tragedy?" Kate says that Mary has no right to judge her. She doesn't know her or anything about what she's been through. Here, here. Mary asks for Kate to explain it to her. Kate asks why she keeps pushing this. Mary says she can't sleep at night and she's never had anyone die in her arms before and she doesn't want to be "alone in caring that a young boy lost his life." Kate says that she can't give Mary what she wants because the minute that CFB becomes a victim, she becomes "a murderer." They've got Debi Mazar in that Laura the Pretty Project Engineer light where you can't see her face. She tells Mary that she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Mary very reluctantly leaves, but not after looking back and almost saying something, sending guilt-darts into Kate.
Mary pulls into the garage and sees the trash can lid on the ground. She gets out to put it back (bitching and moaning) and sees Kate's books in the trash.
Kenny is running a pen over a notebook with highlighted lines, but he's having trouble getting the pen to write. I assume since he's never taken a class, he has no idea what he's doing. Mary walks in with the books and puts them back on his desk. Kenny tries to stammer an excuse but Mary sits down to him and cues the five-note jingle. Kenny says he didn't want the books to remind her of what happened. She asked why he didn't come talk to her. "I didn't want to bother you," he says. This melts Mary's heart and she apologizes and makes him promise to keep the books. They hug. She tells him that she loves him. Meghan and Cameron walk in and say that they straightened up downstairs. Mary hugs them. "What was that for?" Cam asks. "Me," Mary says. "I needed a hug." Kenny sits back with a self-satisfied smirk and watches the harmony he created in his family.
At the World's Largest Dinner table, the spinny-cam circles as everyone compliments one another on a job well done on the dinner and the table setting and the cleaning and stuff. Mary tries to crack a joke: "I guess it takes some guy pulling out a gun for you guys to be nice to each other." Everyone is all, like ha ha, not. I can suggest that they also aren't nice to each other unless someone dies or someone is in a coma. Mary says that for the past couple of days, "I've been obsessing. And what I haven't been doing is thinking about how all of that might effect you." Elizabeth says she doesn't need to apologize. Mary says she does. "Look, after the shooting, I felt like there was this incredible sadness that was going completely unnoticed by everyone but me and I shut you guys out. I'm sorry." Mitch takes Mary's hand. "Mom? Is, is there anything we can do to help?" suck-ass Meghan asks. Mary cocks her head to the side and squinches up her face and says, "Just be patient," like she's searching for her Lucky Charms. "We can do patient," says Kenny, as the final notes start up for the show. Everyone smiles and laughs. Mary asks if Elizabeth still has that card.
Mary is walking somewhere. Kenny, Cam and Meghan reminisce over the photographs as we watch Mary walk to the crisis center. I'll spare you the schmaltz. When do these kids go to school? Mary walks up the stairs of the crisis center and asks to see Jeanane. Jeanane tells Mary that she's found her. "Are you looking for counceling?" "No, actually I'm here to volunteer." Jeanane takes Mary out to the roof where she meets the other volunteers. As the gospel singers wail about "one big family," I can't help but wonder how this is all going to work with Meghan not going to college (and is she still valedictorian?), Mitch staying home to home school Cameron who's staying home, Elizabeth padding around in her purple clothing, and Mary volunteering instead of making the random party gigs. Poor Kenny is going to have a hard life raising all of these people. As the screen fades to white, my cat jumps onto my back and digs his claws into the lower part of my spine. As I jerk up in pain I catch the eyes of the dueling St. Clares. They burn fire-red. "We warned you. Stop torturing us," they wail like the twins from The Shining. I get down on my knees and pray that Get Real will be cancelled after this season so that my house can be clean of their evil wishes.