Previously on Get Real: Cameron got expelled. Meghan stole Clay from Ferret. Mitch appreciates Mary for always being in love with him. Rebecca had to move from Kenny. Yeah, we're reaching way back in the archives here. Every snippet ends with someone telling the other person that he or she loves the other one.
We open to Meghan lying in her bed, just waking up. She coos for Clay to wake up. We pan across the bed to a phone lying on the other pillow. Meghan continues telling Clay to wake up. We see Clay wake up in his own room and grab the phone so she'll quit ordering him around. She pulls up her shoulder strap when she hears his voice. He asks what time he fell asleep. This is presumably after the phone sex. She says that he went to sleep around two but she stayed up "just to hear [him] breathe." He says that they "have it bad." "So bad it's good," Meghan says, and that feeling of nausea in my stomach must mean it's time for the eight weeks of Get Real.
In the World's Largest Kitchen the Green family is making plans for Kenny's birthday party tomorrow. Cameron forgot, of course. Kenny walks into the kitchen rubbing his neck. Mary instantly asks if he's okay. He says that he's just tired because he was up late studying for his speech that day. He asks if he can practice on her, but she says she has to leave to "go volunteer." Mitch hands Cameron a check because he's been "working hard." Who works in this family? Cameron says the check is missing about two hundred dollars. Mitch says that the money to repay the school prank is coming out of Cameron's paycheck until he pays it off. Cameron says something about that not being fair while using the word "So." Mitch gives a retort that also involves the word "So." Kenny tells Cameron "Good morning." Cameron gives some "witty" reply.
Fade to white to the School Without Classes. Meghan is making Mandatory Locker Check as Clay walks up and asks if someone needs a kiss. She says she does. He says he does too. They flaunt their love in front of the other silent milling students. Meghan asks him if he knows what she loves about him. He says he'd like to know. She says she loves telling him what she loves about him. She goes on about how he's kind and smart and stuff and eventually tells him that she loves him. Clay gets a look on his face, says "Wow," and pulls Meghan in for a hug. Over his shoulder Meghan's all, "Wow?" Clay stares at the floor. They stare at each other for a few more seconds until Clay pulls Meghan back in for another hug where he clenches Meghan's hair. Meghan is immediately disgusted. The Center of the Universe II is not amused. Fade to white.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the fastest title sequence on television.
In the Greens Only stairwell, The Center of the Universe II is so not letting Clay off easily. He starts patting and pulling her hair and asking her if she'd like to go to the beach and watch the sunset. The pout is out, Clay. Just start apologizing. Meghan says that this is all to embarrassing for her. That she said the "L" word and she thought he was "right there" with her and then he didn't so she feels like a total dork and it's HIS FAULT. Now she wants to take the words back. Clay says, "You can't think that I don't take this seriously." I reel from the double negative and almost miss the rest of Meghan's lines. It doesn't matter. She storms off. Clay follows her and stops her in the middle of the hallway. The silent milling students don't get in their way. He asks her what this is "about." Meghan says that it's about them and how she needs to be sure of them and stuff. Clay says that he shows her that he loves her all the time in the things that he does, why does she need to hear the words? He says that a lot of guys say those words and never mean them, so what's she complaining about? He's all, "Fine. I love you." But that, of course, isn't good enough for the Center of the Universe II and she calls him on it. She says that they might need to take a break to think about what they mean to each other. Clay's all "fine." Meghan's all "fine." Meghan is all serious and Clay's got a smile. They walk off from each other.
Kenny is doing his report on how society is very wrong because Michael Jordan gets paid more than teachers do. On the chalkboard it says "Vote!! Your freedom depends on it." These kids are fifteen. As we zoom in on Kenny and his speech, he is shaking and panting and rubbing his head while he talks, but no one asks if he's okay. I mean, the kid's got a stammer and all, but this is way out of that puberty-range he's usually hitting. Speaking of hitting, Kenny falls face-forward to the ground, but in the shot he's rolled himself onto his side. No one rushes to his aid. I think maybe Kenny was in a fake classroom doing a report he just asked people to hear and since they weren't used to how speeches usually go they just assumed Kenny was doing some sort of "drama thing." What more could you expect from high schoolers who never go to class?
Cameron sits on a hood of a car eating a box of donuts. Like a big Dunkin' Donuts box. Slutgirl walks out and jumps onto the hood. She asks why he's intentionally sitting at school and looking like he's thinking about coming back. He says he is thinking about it. He says not being in school sucks. She says school sucks too. This deep conversation is interrupted by an ambulance. Cameron makes a crack about high school never being a dull moment. That's because you've yet to take a midterm, buddy.
There's a quick pan up the hallway to the paramedics rushing Kenny out on a stretcher. Although there are very few students in the hallway, one of them is Meghan, leaning against a wall talking to some blonde girl and laughing as if she didn't just break up with her boyfriend. She sees that it's Kenny on the stretcher and immediately begins yelling to him. Outside Slutgirl guesses to Cameron that the stretcher is for "another dehydrated wrestler." Through the trees they see Meghan. Slutgirl asks if it's Clay. The zoom goes to Cameron's face as we see a quick splice of Kenny with a breathing mask and a quick splice of Meghan tucking her hair. "It's Kenny," Cameron's lips close enough to say. They run towards the ambulance. Cameron asks for a phone. Slutgirl hands him hers and then says, "God, I gotta quit smoking." You seem to be doing a fine job there, girlie. Never seen you take one puff.
Mary is walking to her car carrying an Important Box when her phone rings. She sets her box against the car and answers the phone. We go to slow motion right before the box falls over.
Mitch is standing in front of a Pictionary Easel discussing important things with elderly people. We only hear his phone ringing. Without even an "excuse me" he picks up the phone. After a few seconds, we see him excuse himself from the room as the camera focuses on a blue plate hanging on a wall. Your guess is as good as mine.
Fade to White to Meghan asking, "Is he gonna be okay?" The room is very white and you hear the sound of something beeping. Meghan says that Kenny is fifteen. Cameron takes a big gulp and says that Kenny will be sixteen tomorrow. Woah, Cameron's nostrils are incredibly huge when he's "upset." The doctors just get around to ripping Cameron's shirt open as they peer into his eyes with a flashlight. They stand around and talk, but no one is really giving orders and no one is administering anything to Kenny. It doesn't matter because Mitch and Mary and the other Greens are all standing in the room. There is no ceiling in this room. This hospital room is very large, very white, very much without any sort of hospital equipment and has these checkered floors. It looks more like an ad for Obsession than any place where people go when they are sick. They've taken off Kenny's shoes, thank God. A nurse says something about him having a really high fever. Mary pushes her family members aside to get a closer look. Kenny starts going into convulsions and Mary is standing where a TRAINED PHYSICIAN might be of some use. People just mill around Kenny thrashing left and right, and no one in the hospital wears scrubs or coats. One guy is wearing a huge sports watch. The Green family is dressed in all black as they close in on Kenny's bed. We pull back to get a better view of the hospital room that might very well be larger than the World's Largest Kitchen. The "doctor" asks Mary to step back. I have no idea if this is a doctor because he's wearing a denim Oxford shirt. I haven't even seen a stethoscope yet. Man, if my parents took me to this crap-ass hospital, someone would be getting a lawsuit.
The "Doctor" introduces himself as "Doctor Carol" and I see for the first time that he's wearing a nametag. He points at most of the Green members with his long sleeves and cuffs and says that Kenny has a very high fever but they don't know what's wrong with him yet. Someone is poking Kenny in the chest with a stick and then the monitor to him starts beeping, so the guy with the stick tells the "doctor" that Kenny's temperature is "one oh four point five and climbing." The "Doctor" tries to stick the flashlight in Kenny's eyes again, but he keeps rolling his head back and forth. He tells other people to hold Kenny down. On the shelf above Kenny's head are nine packages of Dixie Cups. Good thing they're prepared. Mitch asks what the "Doctor" knows. "I'm not sure yet, but I think your son's slipping into a coma," he says. Brilliant. There is a quiet moment where all of the Green family members think about how Kenny being in a coma is really gonna put a damper on their weekend plans. Don't worry, no one is crying. Not one tear yet. Fade to white.
No commercial yet. Fade up on some statue in the middle of a big atrium-type foyer looking thing. I think this is supposed to be a part of the hospital. Where did they take Kenny to get treated, the Louvre? I guess that huge statue in the middle of the hospital makes it much easier to move gurneys in and out quickly. The floaty-cam goes around the halls to see the one other orderly in the hospital. Kenny is walking in the hall in a robe. He tries to ask two passersby where he is, but they're about as helpful as his classmates. He thinks that he might be invisible. I can tell you where you are, Kenny. I know those chandeliers and those bay windows anywhere. You're in your high school. They painted it and changed it to harsh white lighting so we wouldn't notice. An elderly woman walks up to Kenny and says hello. She asks if he'd like to take a walk with her. He says no, that he just woke up and wants to "hang close" in case his parents show up. He looks into one of the rooms and sees the same woman in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines. Kenny swallows, and watches the woman walk away. We hear a voice over an intercom. Don't get used to these "hospital touches," they're soon going away. Kenny turns back to watch the woman in the hospital bed as he hears, "Doesn't make sense, does it?" Why it's his little sister, Hallie. You may know her as The Pepsi Girl. I prefer to think of her as "The Kid from those Funny Independent Film Channel Commercials." Kenny says none of it makes sense. She says it will. He asks about her. "Girl versus car. Girl loses." Kenny giggles, like that's funny. They stand side by side for a second, and it is very creepy how much they look alike. Like someone took one doughy mold of a face and adjusted hair length and head size. Pepsi Girl asks Kenny if he's a baseball fan. He says he is. She says that her mom promised her when she gets out of the hospital she's going to get to go to a spring training game. Kenny says that's cool. Kenny says that he's got a Ken Griffey, Jr. signed ball from when he went to a game with his dad. Pepsi Girl says that's "awesome."
Kenny turns around and stares into a room. He walks in and says, "Oh my God. Am I dead?" As we pan down to the Coma Kenny, Pepsi Girl says, "Not exactly." We see the Coma Pepsi Girl over her shoulder through a window. These hospital rooms are so spacious and airy. Not one screen around them. Oh, there's on in the corner. It's one of those foldy One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest-type screens. Kenny says, "Not exactly? If I'm not dead then..." He gives a shaky exhale as the sensitive oboe starts cranking out the five-note jingle that we've all missed so very much. "What am I?" "You're..." Pepsi Girl starts out. "Waiting," I say, a full TEN SECONDS before she does as we pan over to the Coma Pepsi Girl. Pan back from Coma Kenny as Mary strokes his arm. Mitch keeps a dominant hand on Mary's shoulder. Cameron and Meghan sit by the bed. Elizabeth sits behind them. There is not one doctor or nurse. There is no florescent lighting. There are no machines making any noises. One flat monitor is supposed to be saying something about Kenny's pulse. Everyone is still wearing their jackets and coats like they're already at the funeral. The oboe is still playing. The "Doctor" comes back into the room, and this time he's changed into something that more closely resembles scrubs. He looks like he doesn't want to have to deal with The Green Family. Hey, buddy, I don't blame you. Meghan gives him a look as he says that he got the lab tests back. Mary asks him what the tests say. The "Doctor" nods as he says, "Kenny has meningitis." "But he, he's gonna be okay, right?" Wonderboy asks. He says something about how this is a hospital, so they should just give him something and it should work. The "Doctor" closes his eyes as he realizes the coma is being wasted on the wrong kid. He goes on to explain that not only does Kenny have meningitis, "but he has bacterial meningitis, and that's very, very serious." Mitch asks about treatment. The "Doctor" gives Mitch the hand and whispers that he's already put Kenny on an antibiotic and that if he starts getting better within the day or two that everything should be fine. Mitch asks what if Kenny doesn't come out of it that soon. The "Doctor" says there are "short and long term consequences." Twenty Questions continues as Elizabeth asks what those are. The "Doctor" says that they can range from deafness to brain damage to... He trails off until Mary asks him again. "Doctor," Elizabeth says (and you can hear the quotation marks around it), "We're a family. For better or worse." The Greens continue to beat it out of him that there's a chance that Kenny could die because the real Green Pain, the real Green Struggle, the real Green Self-Centeredness cannot begin until someone says the damn words. "Say the words! Tell us that someone might die! We can't live without the weekly crisis! Please! Someone must be near death to teach us how to live! And, oh, God, if it's our son, then surely we'll all learn something very special about ourselves because our kid is dying!"
As soon as he says the magic words Mitch says that they won't let Kenny die and Mary walks off to a doorway so she can stare off blankly and Elizabeth walks into her Invisible Shield until they need her for a line or two later. Mary stares across the hall to a woman sitting at the Coma Pepsi Girl's bed. She reads from a book. She looks up at Mary. Mary smiles and thinks, "My kid's got meningitis. Beat that, Hit and Run." The woman smiles back and stares at Coma Pepsi Girl and thinks, "My kid has talent. So sorry for you." Close up on the Coma Pepsi Girl. Mary visibly pulls her head back, having to shun herself from the amazing cuteness and talent that this little girl can ooze being completely brain dead. Mary can't take the competition, so she licks her lips and turns back around with a hair flip. She walks back through the World's Largest Hospital Room and passes Mitch leaning against a pillar (!) and by the enormous clock outside the windowed wall (!) that says it's eight o' clock and over to Kenny's bed. As she leans down we see some guy in the back standing over another hospital bed, but we can't see who is in the bed. Mary kisses Kenny's head as Elizabeth keeps her arms around the other Green kids. Close up on Meghan who is trying so hard to make tears that she's smiling. Cameron mouth-breathes and swallows. Mitch keeps his hand on Mary's shoulder. Mary looks at him and buries her head in his arms, ashamed that not one family member could drum up some tears for the possible death of Kenny. As Mitch pets Mary's head the person visiting the bed is much closer and suddenly writing something in a chart. I guess this guy dressed in black pants and a black t-shirt is supposed to work for the hospital? Fade to black and the first damn commercial break.
When the announcer comes on to say I'm watching Get Real, he says the title of the show in such a way that I cannot tell if he's commenting on the last scene.
Fade up on the World's Largest Hospital Room. Clay walks in with a woman in a wheelchair and introduces his mother (Andrea) to Meghan and Mary. Mary thanks her for coming and Andrea says she wanted to come down since she had spent six months in that hospital. Clay gives Meghan a look that says, "I'm so the better person here." Meghan looks down as her hair says, "You shut the fuck up." Andrea is still talking and says that she found that "people can be just as healing as the medicine." Uncomfortable silent moment. Andrea asks how Kenny is doing. Mary says that he's "doing" and that she's not leaving until he wakes up. Andrea sucks her lip and nods like, "Right. You are Mary Green, right? Center of the Universe? Woman who went out for ice cream while her brother in law was to be thrown in jail? Just checking." Andrea says that she'll see if she can get her nurse transferred down. Supposedly the best in the ward and stuff. Since it doesn't even look like Kenny has a nurse, that might be a good idea. Cue that five-note Get Real jingle that you know and love as Mary gives Andrea a fake smile. Meghan avoids Clay's stares by looking towards the floor.
The jingle continues as we fade to the Museum Section of the hospital. Cameron asks Mitch if he has a second and walks him towards the statue to ask if he can have the two hundred dollars back that Mitch kept from his paycheck. Mitch obviously isn't interested in this conversation, but Cameron says he needs it for Kenny and he thinks that Mitch'll be "really proud of [him]." Mitch still isn't interested. Cameron says that he wants to do something for Kenny and it's a "long shot" and he doesn't even know if he can "pull it off." I look out my sliding glass door. I look out down the road. About a mile. That's where I can see this plot line coming from. I figure I've got time to clean up before it gets here. Mitch puts a hand on Cameron's shoulder (which seems to be Mitch's signature move indicating "concern") as two other "people" (you can't tell the visitors from the staff from the patients, really) walk down the hall to the Renaissance Era exhibit. Mitch says that they don't really need any distractions right now and they would rather Cameron just stick close. The oboe is joined by the piano for the five-note jingle as Cameron stares at the ground.
Pan across the museum/hospital hallway to Kenny and Pepsi Girl. He asks if her mom is still there. She says that her mom goes home at nights now. She used to stay all night and sleep in a chair, but she goes home now. Kenny asks how long she's been there. "Two months." Kenny says that he's been there less than a day. Emotion registers on Pepsi Girl's face in such a way that you can see the three thoughts she's thinking at once. It's such a refreshing change of acting choices. Depth. Subtext. Hidden meaning. I try not to get too drunk off the talent. She tells Kenny that she'd like to tell him that it gets easier. He says she seems to have adjusted well. "I meant for the parents," she says, as she watches Mitch and Mary sit over Coma Kenny. Lord. Coma Kenny is in his bed underneath this huge window where a beam of white light shines in a perfect circle around his body. Mary sits at one side reading a book, while Mitch has his face buried in the other side while he sleeps. Where's everyone else? It doesn't matter, as it would ruin this Jesus Portrait they've made with Kenny.
"Good Morning my dears," the elderly woman from before says to Kenny and Pepsi Girl. She says that Elizabeth is a nice woman, but she seems to have had a loss recently. Kenny says that his grandfather died two years ago. He asks how she knew that. "I can feel it," she says as she walks off. This oboe/guitar is starting to make me ill. I wish they'd take it off the loop. Pepsi Girl asks if Elizabeth misses his grandfather. "Yeah, we all do," he says as they walk down the hall. "Will it be warm there?" the elderly woman asks. Kenny and Pepsi Girl turn to see the woman talking to a man in black. He's a complete "Hey, It's That Guy" that I completely can't place right now. Usually plays the villian. Freaky mole on his forehead. He says that it will have anything she could ever want. "My friends?" she asks. He says yes and takes her hand. "She has a visitor," Kenny says. "You could see him?" Pepsi Girl asks. Kenny says he could and asks who he is. The bay windows get brighter as the man in black and the elderly woman start walking towards the door. Pepsi Girl says that it's "him." Kenny asks if it's "Death." "Fate," she says. The elderly woman and the man in black disappear. Kenny says that it's probably not a good thing that he can see him. He asks if he's dying. "Maybe," Pepsi Girl says.
The Green family is standing around Coma Kenny singing "Happy Birthday." They've got a cake lit up with a bunch of candles. Meghan is, of course, not singing, but then reluctantly starts. Mitch and Mary blow out the candles. Good job, guys. The boy is on oxygen. Cameron says that it's a good thing Kenny's in a coma or he wouldn't have been able to blow out all of those candles. Meghan gives him a good swatting. Cameron tells Kenny that Rebecca, I mean, "his gift" isn't here yet and it might be there sometime today or tomorrow, but in the meantime he thought he'd like his autographed baseball. At this point I wish that Victor would call and go, "Hey! Assholes! Think you could let me know that my best friend is dying in some Museum Hospital?" Mary looks out the hospital room and sees a pregnant woman slowly being wheeled down the hall. Mary and Mitch hold hands about how Kenny came into the world sixteen years ago today. Mary kisses Kenny's hand.
Outside in the hall, by the Monet, Mitch asks why Cameron would do something behind his back that he told him not to do. Cameron says he's not suicidal. Mitch asks then why did his bank call and ask for clearance on the request for two hundred and fifty dollars from his mutual account. Cam says that's old news and to not worry about it. Mitch starts to yell at Cam and then pulls him into a hug, of course. Cam asks if Mitch is all right. Mitch stares at Coma Kenny over Cam's shoulder. There is not one other person in this hospital. The five-note jingle is going wild. Mitch says, "I just want you to know..." "Dad, I know. I know," Cam says and pulls Mitch in for another hug.
Meghan sits brooding against a wall in an empty room. Mary walks in and sits down and asks Meghan how she's feeling. "Kinda like I'm never gonna be happy again," Meghan says with a half-laugh. Oh, the martyrdom. Mary says she knows how Meghan is feeling, and that she doesn't want to see any more grim faces or get any more bad news. Meghan says (with an obvious motive) that perhaps for the five minutes they could talk about "anything other than here." Mary asks if Meghan would like to talk about Clay. Would she!? The five-note jingle kicks back up again as the Centers of the Universe form their secret alliance. Meghan says she thought Mary didn't want to hear any more bad news. She says that her and Clay are taking a break. "I... I don't think he's in love with me." Mary says, "One of the best things about you, honey, is your ability to express your feelings, your love for someone else." Really? I did not know that. "For Clay, for most people that's a hard thing to do." "Maybe it's... it's like some warning sign that we're not supposed to be together." Mary shakes her head. "Making a relationship work is work. You have to resist the urge to walk away when things get tough. I mean, taking the easy way out is just that -- it's easy. It doesn't make you stronger. Or better." Meghan leans her head on Mary's shoulder and wishes she could date her dad or her brother. She doesn't, but she does.
Meghan walks outside the hospital and sees Clay putting his mother in the front seat of the car. He tells her that after some more physical therapy she's not going to need his help anymore. Meghan interrupts this tender moment immediately. She says that she wants to talk to him but he starts talking too and she hears him say, "This is all my fault," which immediately gets her beaming. She says "Okay, me first." Of course she's first. "I get how you are. I get that you have trouble saying stuff, no I even get the lie of it all." She says that if he found someone that he wants to open himself up to then why didn't he just take the chance? Clay interrupts to say that he only hesitated because he's never been in love before. "Never really felt it until now. I mean... Amy." I guess he forgot her name for a second. "I always knew we'd break up. But you feel like... forever." Before he can go on about his feelings and "open up" like she's bitching he should do, she tells him to shut up and starts kissing him. Oh, the sensitive piano is killing me softly with its song. "Meghan Green. I love you." He touches her head a lot. "See, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" she asks. She sighs and Clay asks, "Kenny?" "He's in that bed...just...so alone." "I know it sounds weird but... he's not." They hug. Meanwhile, Mom's in the front seat going, "Hello? Helloooo? Legs don't work here. Really need to pee." Fade to black. Commercial.
Whipper is on a commercial talking about heart health and seeing a doctor about potential dangers, instead of really speaking out about her specialty: the dangers of too much plastic surgery.
Mitch walks into the World's Largest Hospital Chapel and starts his monologue. He says since he's Jewish, he doesn't really know what he's supposed to do, so he's just going to talk. He says that Kenny is a good kid. He says that Kenny isn't so good at many things and isn't really that much of an athlete and stuff. Oh, hell, just take the kid. He wasn't the right mix of genes anyway. He was a good baby and a good kid and one time Kenny just watched a crow all night long. Hey, I didn't make that up. He says that Kenny came into his bed one night when he was eleven or so and Mitch just held him all night because it felt so good. Instead of saying, "I want to see if he'll be a good man," which is the natural progression of the monologue, he says that Kenny's a good kid and he'd like Kenny to get another chance. Mitch wipes his tears with a "Take that, Meghan." He lights a candle and leaves, and the camera focuses on the hundreds of lit candles in the room, as if there are more than three patients in the Museum Hospital.
Pepsi Girl's mom says hello to Mary. She says she heard the birthday party. Mary invites her in and tells her that Kenny is sixteen today. She asks how old Pepsi Girl is. "Seven." Mary starts going on about how great Kenny was at seven, totally rubbing it in that she had her kid for at least nine more years that Pepsi Girl's Mom got with her kid. Pepsi Girl's Mom talks about smelling Pepsi Girl's t-shirts for the "little girl smell." She starts crying and saying that she told her not to ride in the street. Mary hugs her.
Kenny asks Pepsi Girl what's wrong. "I was riding my bike when I got hit. She told me not to and I did anyway." A cat walks up and starts rubbing on Kenny's leg. "Vanilla!" He explains that this was his cat and she died when he was seven. The bay windows brighten and a man starts walking towards Kenny and Pepsi Girl. We flash to Coma Kenny thrashing in his bed. Kenny says it's his grandfather, but he doesn't go up and hug him. He just keeps petting the cat. Nice move, son. Coma Kenny thrashes. Pepsi Girl says she doesn't know if this is "so good." The elderly woman walks towards them. "Hey there's that woman that went home," Kenny says. Coma Kenny thrashes. Pepsi Girl goes to correct Kenny on where the woman actually went, but he makes her stop talking. The three doctors of the Museum Hospital pull a machine out from down the hall and start slow-motion running towards Coma Kenny's room. Coma Kenny thrashes. The "doctors" actually wear coats this time, because they look real cool flapping in slow motion. "Hurry! Please! Now!" Mary shouts from outside Coma Kenny's door. Coma Kenny thrashes. The "doctors" run in shaky slow motion and tell the others to stay back. They try and hold his head still, which I don't understand. "Hold his legs!" Mary totally ignores the doctors and keeps getting closer to the bed. "Oh no," Pepsi Girl says, as we do a quick zoom on the man in black. The "doctor" just keeps holding Coma Kenny's head. The Man in Black smiles as I try to place what Bruce Willis movie I know him from. Kenny gulps. Fade to white. Commercial.
The Green family sits on and around Coma Kenny's empty bed. The "doctors" wheel Kenny back in and as we watch the reactions of the family, Kenny is magically transferred back into the bed with oxygen and everything. The "doctor" says something that sounds like, "We controlled the seizures with a combination of Valium and Mylanta." He says that Coma Kenny's vitals are stable and now it's "in God's hands." Mary gives a look like, "Great. God does such great things for us already. Fucking beautiful. This is so making me stress my neck cords." Cameron asks if he can have a moment to talk to Kenny alone. The family walks into the Post Modern Era section as Mitch gives Cameron a buck on the shoulder. Cam says "Hey" to Kenny. He tells Kenny that he's "totally impressed" by him. He says that, "categorically, you kill me in everything. Except in sports, girls and clothes." Poor Kenny. His whole family thinks he's a loser. He says that lately he's been picking fights with anyone in authority just because they're authority, and he doesn't want to do that anymore. Mitch, respecting his eldest son's wishes, quietly walks back into the room to pick up a jacket or something, and totally eavesdrops on the rest of Cameron's monologue. Cam says that he doesn't like making his dad upset and that he wants Kenny around to keep him in line. I guess if Cam ends up in jail it's totally Kenny's fault for getting meningitis. "I can't even believe that's my brother talking," Kenny says to Pepsi Girl. She says that maybe they're "like this" to "hear stuff" they shouldn't. Kenny says it's frustrating because he can't say anything back. "What would you say to him if you could?" "I guess... I guess that I love him." "If you get better, I hope you tell him. All your family. I know that's what I want to tell my mom." This music is so terrible. Where are all of the nurses and doctors?
Cam teleports to the Museum hallway and Mitch stops him to put an arm on his shoulder. He says that he heard what Cam was saying in there and realizes that Cam has grown up a little lately. He says that he'll stop being so hard on him. There's a bit here about how Mitch always got flack from his dad for slacking and prank-pulling and that it took a long time for him to love his dad and see that he was doing it for his own good. Cam pulls the suck-ass card and says that Mitch won't have to wait around at all for his love. Kenny says it's too bad that he had to be in a coma to get his dad to lighten up on his brother. Pepsi Girl says that if she thought going into a coma would get her parents back together, she would have done it a long time ago. Kenny says that she should remember that "You plus your mom equals spring training." Pepsi Girl asks what he's going to do if he gets out. He says that he's been thinking about lots of stuff. He looks up and sees his family talking in a straight line in the hallway and says that he's going to stay home for a while and spend time with them. Pepsi Girl says that he should do whatever he can to join them. I think both of the Eisenburgs have problems with too much saliva production or something, because they are both swallowing and wiggling their lips when they aren't talking. The bay windows lighten up. Kenny says that he's getting this "funny feeling" that he should go and join "Grampa and Vanilla." Pepsi Girl says that he should fight it. He says he doesn't want to go, but he has this feeling. "Maybe that's why," Pepsi Girl says, and the Man in Black swivels his head on a guitar strum and stares at Kenny. He stands up and walks to the center of the hallway. He looks in Pepsi Girl's room and in Kenny's room. He walks into Kenny's room. Kenny gets up and says he has to leave now. He asks if he's going to see her again. She says she heard the doctors talking the night before and they don't know if she's going to make it. This cues up this song that actually goes, "On the other side/ Children that could sing/ On the other side/ Angels are in their wings/ On the other side." Oh, God. Kenny walks towards his room and looks into Pepsi Girl's room. He waves at Coma Pepsi Girl and walks into the light.
The Man in Black leans over and asks "So?" Kenny is now in his bed with the oxygen tube. "You took that old woman," he says to the Man in Black. He asks if he's here to take Kenny. "Yes," he says, "But..." Kenny says he likes the sound of the "But." There are lame jokes here about math and stuff, and I'll spare you the pain. Gist of scene: Man in Black says it's not his decision and that fate and luck and stuff weigh in and Kenny gets to have another chance. Kenny asks about Pepsi Girl and the Man in Black says that Kenny has no control over it. It's fate and luck. Fade to white.
To Rebecca's face. "How long has he been like this?" she asks. I so called this, by the way. Cam said he would have gotten her there sooner but there were a few "logistical problems" they had to work out. Mitch looks at Cameron proudly for pronouncing his first polysyllabic word. Kenny starts to wake up, so that Rebecca will forever think that she has the power in her love to wake people from comas. He turns to Rebecca and says that she can't kiss him because he might be contagious. Everyone is happy. Elizabeth calls for the doctor. As Rebecca says he'll just have to wait, Paula Cole starts singing "Amen" over and over and over and over and over and over again. People are hugging Kenny. Mary totally doesn't care about the contagious factor and starts kissing Kenny's head. Paula Cole is still saying "Amen" as Mitch looks upward and says "Thanks." The family crowds around Kenny in a semi-circle as Mitch puts his hands on Kenny's chest. Kenny says hello to his dad. "Amen!" Paula still sings. The "doctor" comes in, caresses Kenny's head and says, "Welcome back." The family is laughing. Mary hugs Rebecca for bringing her son back to life. I've never seen 7th Heaven, but this is what I imagine it looks like.
Clay waits by some sort of an elevator as Meghan and Mary say goodbye to each other. Kenny's awake for thirty seconds and Meghan has to go and celebrate and Mary is back to work? Nice lesson about family. Clay offers to "help." He pulls her into a hug.
Jennifer Day is singing as Meghan and Clay share a stepladder and put cans in a shelf. They begin kissing as Jennifer tells them not to let this moment pass them by. They kiss some more. Kissing. Kissing. Meghan holds a container of jellybeans. On the top is a single green one. We all know what the green ones mean, kids. Meghan opens her hand and lets the container fall to the floor.
We pan across Meghan on her pillow again. She's smiling. "Talk time now?" she asks. We pan across some more, and it's Clay on the other side of the bed. They did the deed. Meghan making a big deal about not having sex until she found that special someone. Her brother wakes up from a coma and thirty minutes later she's lost her cherry. I can't believe they didn't spend an entire episode on whether or not they'd do it, but I assume it's so they can get straight to her getting pregnant at the same age Mary was when she got pregnant with Meghan. Clay says that they weren't exactly quiet before. "I don't think I have ever felt closer to another human being in my entire life." "So why do I know there's a 'but' coming?" Heh-heh. "But coming." Meghan says that she has questions. She wants to know if he enjoyed himself. She has questions about birth control. "Are we going to keep...using...condoms..." Girl, if you have a problem saying the word, you probably aren't ready for sex. Just a suggestion. Clay says that he can only answer her questions by saying that he has the same questions and that he loves her. I know that's no answer, but she's still in the afterglow of three-minute first-time sex. She says that she loves him for saying he loves her. "Man, we've got it bad," he says. "So bad it's good," she says. They kiss. I vomit.
Back at the Museum Hospital, Kenny puts on his jacket and asks Rebecca since he can't kiss her what her position is on sponge baths. "I am so not giving you a sponge bath." He says he meant he wanted to give her one. The entire family walks in and laughs, which is creepy. They say it's good to hear Kenny laughing. Meghan and Clay are back, so we know that the first-time sex REALLY didn't take very long. Mary looks upset and Mitch asks what's wrong. She says that Pepsi Girl had a bad night last night and they don't know if she'll make it. Kenny interrupts to say that he knows she'll make it because of spring training. They ask how he knows anything about this. ("And you know this because?") He says he just remembers stuff from before. Then he looks down and smiles. Meghan asks what he's thinking about. He says that he promised that he'd tell them all something. He says that he loves them. Cam pulls Kenny in for a hug and says he loves him too. "I know you do." He thanks Cam for Rebecca. Cam asks whom he made that promise to. "A friend." Cam hands Kenny the baseball. Kenny walks over to Pepsi Girl's room and says that he heard she's going to be fine. He says that if she sees the man in black she should tell him to leave her alone "or Kenny Green is gonna kick his ass." Kenny leans down and gives Pepsi Girl a kiss on her forehead and whispers, "Come back, okay?" totally blowing a big ol' breath of meningitis on her face. He puts the baseball in her hand and puts her hand on her chest. "Thank you" he hears her say as he turns to leave. "You're welcome," he says to Coma Pepsi Girl. Ooh, maybe Kenny will have super powers now like the Profiler.
As Mitch is asleep that night the door opens and Kenny walks in. Mitch opens his blanket to let Kenny into the bed. Mary, Mitch and Kenny sleep with their arms around each other. End of episode.
week Clay gets a scholarship to Boston, Cam is pissed that he's got to go to alternative school because the kids there beat him up (huzzah!) and some crazy guy with a knife holds up Mary and Debi Mazar. Hope Kenny wasn't hoping for too much of a homecoming.