Previously on Get Real: Cam got expelled. The Christmas card Mitch sent his mom got returned. Clay's dad took off after he and his mother were in a car accident.
We open with Cam playing basketball in front of his house. He makes every shot. Mitch gets out of his shower. So does Mary. Mitch says good morning. She makes the "you can say that again" joke. Those kids don't stop, do they? Much kissing while Mitch stands there naked and wet. Cameron makes another basket. Mitch looks at him out the window and complains that Cam's expulsion is like a vacation. The unemployed mom and the work-from-home dad are covered in fresh sex complaining that their son is taking things too easy? Isn't it, like, noon? Mary points out that Cam isn't really expelled yet since they have a meeting in front of the school board soon. Mary gives a smile because she knows the Center of the Universe, Sr. can put a stop to this insanity. She tells Mitch that he can't stay mad at Cam forever. Mitch says it's getting "harder and harder" to find the good kid in Cameron. Cam makes another basket.
Back at the School Without Classes, Meghan and Slut Girl watch Clay run laps. At least no one is losing any exercise with this whole "I'm expelled / You're not expelled" thing. Meghan yells to Clay to "pick it up" and Clay looks at Meghan while jumping hurdles just like Danny looked at Sandy in Grease. No, really. The shot is exactly the same. He says something about her motivating him and Slut Girl begins to gag: "God. I think I liked you two better when you couldn't be together and you were miserable and pitiful. I need a cigarette." I hear ya, Slut Girl. She leaves. "He's quite a runner," says a man standing beneath Meghan. She tells him that Clay will be taking a break soon so he can chat with him then. Meghan assumes he's a recruiter, but he says he isn't. "He gave you his medallion," the man says. "Yeah!" Meghan chirps, and begins playing with the Cracker Jack prize on a string. "His dad gave it to him when..." Meghan uses her Green powers of Omniscience to declare that this man is Clay's father. She charges towards him and he tells her not to tell Clay she saw him. She says that he'd want to talk to him. "No, he wouldn't," says Creepy Bad Dad, and he walks off into the shadows. If you didn't want to be recognized, CBD, perhaps you shouldn't have talked about the damn medallion. It's like no one in this show has an inner monologue.
Elizabeth takes Cameron's bottle of orange juice out of his hand and pours it into a glass while she tells him she needs some help with some boxes. He says it's better than homework. Mary tells Cameron that he's not out of school yet, and Mitch says that perhaps Cam should do more work around the house instead of playing so much basketball. He asks for the keys to Cam's car. This sets Cam off, saying things like "totally not fair" and stuff as if he didn't drive a truck into his high school without even being grounded. Cam says it was an accident. Mitch says it was stupid and then gives Cam the same "responsibility" speech that Laura the Pretty Project Engineer gave Mitch in the last episode. Cam tries to stick up for himself, but Mitch keeps laying into him and eventually Cam just ends up shutting up for once.
Overhead shot of new character. It's "Steve." He's doing some sort of "broker" thing that involves cash and requires tiny headphones. He's on the phone saying that he broke up with some girl, "Story of my life, you know?" He asks some guy for a loan of "a hundred K." The guy says no. Steve looks out towards the entrance and sees Men With Badges. He high-tails it out of the room, grabbing all of his things that are conveniently located in one bag right by his hand. The sensitive oboe threatens to play. This man is obviously a Green because he immediately teleports over to Mitch's front door. There is a moment right out of last week's The Sopranos where the two brothers make chit-chat after not seeing each other for four years. Mitch pulls Steve in. Steve hugs Mary. Mary gives Mitch the "I didn't order this, did you?" look as we go to opening credits and commercial.
In the World's Largest Kitchen, the Green family is enjoying a large dinner. The conversation is terribly trite. Why didn't Steve call? Where is he going? Where has he been? "Why ruin my reputation?" Blah, blah, blah. Steve says he's going overseas soon and wanted to have a last moment with his favorite niece and nephews. He asks them to remember "the best weekend" of their lives and Meghan actually says, "The Monster Truck Sports Arena." They then share a few moments of Monster Truck Madness that I won't recap for you. They ask where Steve's girlfriend is, and he says they broke up after she started asking to get married. He says she ruined a perfectly good seven-year relationship. "Nothing ruins a relationship like a commitment," Elizabeth smiles, as if she didn't run from commitment with her last boyfriend. The pot and the kettle share a giggly moment. Cameron skulks in and Mitch declares that Cam has to sit down even when he's not hungry because Elizabeth worked hard to make this food and Steve came to visit. Sulky Mouth-Breather sits down and sulks. Steve gives Cam a knowing glare, even though he hasn't seen Cam since he was twelve.
By the way, if your name is Scott, you've got a much better chance of being on this show. There are four Scotts this week.
Steve walks in to his guest room and finds Mary sitting on the bed staring into space. He asks how she's doing. She says that she was just thinking about how that was going to be the baby's room. He asks her if she was pregnant. We'll just ignore that stupid question and move on to Mary's flippant answer, "Yeah, I had a miscarriage." She could have been saying, "Yeah, it's by the peas." Steve apologizes and Mary uses the Green Tradition to blame some of this on him by not being at his address, getting his phone number changed, not being there when they needed him, by making Mitch worry about him. I guess Steve killed the baby now. The oboe is way sensitive in this scene. Steve grabs Mary behind the neck in a too-familiar way as he tells her that he doesn't need a lecture. He says he's there to "set things right [sic]."
The Green family sits on a couch in front of the television sharing brother stories as Kenny puts in a videotape. I can't think of one family that doesn't completely enjoy sitting around late at night watching videos they've already seen. Mitch and Steve watch themselves as kids playing Cowboys. The kids make fun of the tape and are way too excited about it, laughing entirely too hard so that Mitch can get all upset and walk away. They ask to see it again. Mary follows Mitch into the World's Largest Kitchen to see how he's doing. Mitch says that Steve is very good at masking the truth and seems a little "too happy." Mary asks Mitch to go with her to the School Board meeting with her. She says that Cameron doesn't deserve to get kicked out of school. Mitch halfheartedly agrees. She says that she'll do the talking if he plays the tough guy. Mitch seems reluctant. He's probably just bothered that he has to do something parental and deal with problems other people have with his kid.
Meghan makes the Mandatory Locker Check in the School Without Classes. She's fingering her medallion as Slut Girl walks up. Slut Girl asks, "What's wrong?" Right now I'm going to point out that the use of the word "What" and the phrase, "You know what" is so overused in this episode. Go ahead and count them. "I met Clay's dad the other morning," Meghan just blabs to the school's reigning Gossip Queen. Brilliant. "And that's a problem because...?" Slut Girl fragments back. Meghan tells her that Clay's dad asked her not to tell him that he's there. Slut Girl says that she thought Clay and his dad didn't get along. Meghan says they haven't seen each other since Clay was ten. Slut Girl says that Meghan shouldn't tell Clay. "It's his dad," Meghan brats. "I mean, wouldn't you want to know?" Slut Girl says that she wouldn't, and that Meghan probably shouldn't get involved. Now she's done it. She's triggered the Center of the Universe II's Self-Righteous Button. "Leave it alone," Slut Girl warns. "I can't," Meghan eye-rolls. "I can't. It's the same as lying to him." Slut Girl says that it's more complicated than Meghan realizes because not everyone has the perfect life like she does with the Suck-Ass Daddy/Princess relationship she's got going. She doesn't say that, but we all know the truth. Slut Girl walks off so that Meghan and Clay can talk. Clay picks up the medallion and says, "It looks good on you," as if Meghan hasn't been wearing it all day...or week, or something. I have no idea what day it is. Because Meghan often takes the advice she's given she immediately asks, "Do you ever think about him?" "My dad? Sure, every day." "Um...do you miss him?" "No, mostly I wish he would have left [sic] sooner so I wouldn't miss him at all." "What if he came back?" Clay doesn't pick up on Meghan's inability to lie or hide anything because she's got a big shirt on that says, "I'm Hiding A Big Secret From My New Boyfriend About His Long-Lost Father And All I Got Was This Lousy Tee-Shirt." He pulls Meghan to lunch while she looks around with the weight of the world on her back. Oh, Meghan. She loves to have her some problems.
Restoration of Sin building. Mitch is working while Steve walks around saying that "Dad" would be really proud of Mitch for building this place. "Dad?" Where the hell was he at Christmas? Mitch asks Steve why he's really there, and Steve says he had that question coming. There's a big song and dance about how Steve rushes in every so often with his "jokes" and "funny stories" and every time Steve leaves Mitch has to explain to the kids where Steve went. See, Steve may have problems, but once they make problems for a Green family member, then they've just gone too damn far. There is much exhaling. They also start every sentence with "Hey" or "Look." Steve complains that he's always tagged as the irresponsible little brother. Mitch gives a list of reasons why he is, and why Mitch is such a damn saint for always bailing him out of trouble. "I mean, look, can't we just get past this?" Steve asks. The phone rings and it's Mary. She declares Mitch late for the School Board meeting. He tells Steve he's got to go, kicking off the five-note jingle. "Hey!" Steve yells to Mitch. "Tell Cam good luck." They look at each other meaningfully, but it's really not that touching.
Pan down from an American flag. I am in such shock from the simplicity in Get Real's symbolism that I almost miss the following Emmy-worthy scene. Mary says that Cam's not a drug dealer and he doesn't assault teachers or carry a weapon in his locker. No, but his sister ratted on a teacher sleeping with a student and we never saw that kid again. Cam beat up two bullies in two different episodes and we never saw them again. Haven't heard a peep out of Kenny's new deaf girl. These kids make people disappear faster than the Mafia. Cameron scoffs throughout the order, interjecting his "Whatever"s and "Not even"s (I hate that "not even" so much. You don't know). It's really, really, REALLY overdone in this bad dub with these "Aw! Jeez! Harumph!" noises that are so lame. Principal Foreshadowing sits in the dark and reminds us all about the Precious Three Strikes. Everyone is in the dark, for some reason. I guess with all of the not-classes going on, the school is running out of cash for electricity. Cam hems and haws enough that Mitch decides that it's not worth fighting over. He interrupts Mary (!) and tells Principal Foreshadowing that they'll trust whatever decision they come to. Mary and Cameron give Mitch "you're ruining everything!" looks.
Mary is way mad at Mitch for his little stunt. She even slams a door. Start counting the "what"s. Mitch says, "I don't want to argue about this, okay?" Mary: "You don't want to argue about this?" Mitch: "Hey, you know what? He deserved this, okay?" Mary: "Do you honestly believe that?" Mitch: "Cameron thinks this whole thing is a joke, and you know what? We're partially responsible for that. Somehow he grew up thinking his actions had no consequences." Mary: "Oh, so what, the solution is, Mitch, he doesn't get any education?" "Doesn't get any education"? Someone needs a refresher course. Mitch says they can't come to his rescue every time or he'll learn nothing. What?
Cam is in his room reading his Thrasher . Mitch walks in and says that even though Cam doesn't believe him, he is trying to help. Cam completely ignores Mitch and continues reading his magazine. If I had done that to my father I would have been beaten until I couldn't spell "Thrasher." These kids are such assholes.
Montage of track-and-field kids. Clay is stretching. Five-note jingle plays as we see the Creepy Bad Dad. "I don't get it," Meghan says to him. "You don't want Clay to know you're here, but you keep showing up." They shake hands. He asks if she told Clay. "I haven't told him...yet" she brats. "Look, it was a mistake talking to you," CBD says. I'll say. That's pretty much what everyone says after they meet Meghan. "It's just that, um, I've never seen him happier. He seems to really care about you. So I wanted to meet you." Meghan: "You watch him all the time?" CBD: "Some." He was at Clay's first track meet, clarinet recital, and confirmation. "He plays the clarinet?" Meghan smirks. CBD: "Don't tell him I told you." "Oh! You're asking me to keep a lot of secrets," Meghan teases, as if she's talking to someone who ISN'T Clay's deadbeat dad who left him and his mother when they were in the HOSPITAL after a car accident. CBD says that he thinks about Clay every day. He says this is all for the best, though, since he couldn't make it up to him. Meghan asks him to come to Clay's track meet on Friday. "I can't make any promises," he says. Meghan looks down and smiles, because she knows the power she has as Center of the Universe II. "Well," she says, "whether or not you come I'm gonna tell him you're here." You bitch! She turns away and walks off. CBD controls himself and doesn't throw her snotty ass to the grass like I would have done. Meghan gives herself a congratulatory hair-tucking as CBD watches her leave and wonders how he could stuff Meghan's dead body in his trunk without anyone finding out.
Back to the Plot with A Family Message. Mitch watches Cameron play basketball with Steve. Some random guy is videotaping them. Oh, it's Kenny. Geez, who dresses these poor kids in vests and Oxfords? There is much guy talk between Cam and Steve about letting someone win some game, blah, blah, blah, testosteronecakes. Oh, and if you're going to be in a scene where you play ball and your back is going to be turned around quite a bit, make sure you wear your tank top inside out like Cameron does so we can see that you sport clothes from Ambercrombie and Finch. A&F: for when you need a really big hole in the top of your shirt to fit over your giant ears. Steve says something about reading in a handbook that you should always let the kid win the game. Cam stops all "fun" to ask if there are "any of those handbooks for father and sons [sic]." Oh, barf. They share a "Mitch is hard on you because he loves you" thing that you could write yourself with your eyes closed. Steve accuses Cameron of shifting the blame. Cameron says of course that he isn't. He's just being a Green. Steve says he's the king of blame-shifting. They share a "we're cute slackers" grin. Steve throws the ball --
And Mitch catches it. Mitch is a total asshole to Steve in this scene. Steve asks to go easy on him since he just played with Cam (even though now it's dark and with Cam it was light. What day is it, anyway?). Mitch says he's not going to take any excuses. He hurls the ball at Steve. Then he tells Steve that he's getting old. I think he also calls him a big smelly stupidhead, too. Steve says that maybe Mitch should go easy on Cameron and Mitch freaks out. He starts storming towards Steve and tells him to stay out of his family, since Steve knows nothing about being in one. Steve says he was just stating his opinion. He says he's trying to make up for the past. Mitch asks how Steve is going to make up for the fact that he never visited their mother in the hospital the months before she died. Mitch had to make excuses and Steve let them both down. "Both"? Where's this "Dad" person? Was he not around either? And now that we know Dad is a widower, how come he wasn't invited over for the holidays? The Green Family Manor appears to be made of glass. Steve says he didn't know how to deal with his mother dying. Mitch gives Steve the important advice: "You deal by dealing with it." Everything is just so clear now. The oboe is so sensitive that my television speakers are crying. "You know what one of the last things she ever said to me was? 'Take care of him, Mitch.'" Steve shows oof the way all the Get Real one-episode players can make tears better than any cast member and says, "Why do you need to tell me that? I mean, don't you think I feel guilty enough?" Cameron walks out of the house (where does he think he's going?) and stops when he sees Steve and Mitch fighting. Steve is full of tears and apologies. He says he was in a bad place and that if he could do it over again he'd do the right thing, but he can't: "Believe me I live with that every day." He says he is trying to make it up with Mitch. "I'm sorry," he repeats a few times. Mitch pulls him into a big hug, making the basketball disappear. Cameron goes back into the house. I guess he didn't need to go anywhere after all. Steve keeps showing off his talented tear ducts as Mitch says he's sorry as well.
My butt's asleep. My cat's asleep. I'm so jealous of my cat and my butt.
Mary exhales and walks into the World's Largest Kitchen. Elizabeth is padding along behind her, so we know she's about to dish out the Experienced Advice. Cameron has been officially expelled. "Every parent always feels they could have done more." Thanks, Liz. Mary thinks that Cam and Mitch are pulling away from each other. Elizabeth tells her there's nothing she can do and they just need time. Wasting my time.
Kenny is filming the World's Largest Kitchen. Steve stands to Mary, who is on the phone, explaining that Mary was his first crush and that Mitch stole her away from him. Hmm...Kenny is horrible at videotaping, and his shots make me more nauseous than the camera work of Heather Donahue. Corny jokes everywhere. Steve gets a phone call from a woman. He turns the corner so that no one can hear him anymore. It cues the "climax" music, so only Mitch and Mary are in the kitchen asking what is wrong. "There's a warrant out for my arrest," Steve drops the (not) bomb on us. Fade to white.
I fall asleep. I really do.
Pepsi Girl is showing off her talent and expensive contract. She's just shaking her tiny butt in poor brother Kenny's face. This is what it sounds like when dorks cry.
Back at Crisis Central (a.k.a. World's Largest Kitchen), Steve is filling Mary and Mitch in with the details. He was spending his client's money and got caught. He's out $300,000. Mitch is all, "I'm not bailing you out of this one." "You can't or you won't?" Steve asks. Mitch asks, "What do you want me to do?" Steve: "I don't know." Mitch tells Steve to turn himself in. Steve says he doesn't want to and doesn't know if he should. He then realizes that he's talking to the most self-righteous couple ever and says, "Then again I don't have much of a choice." Mary shakes her head and whispers, "No." Exhale. Exhale. Steve asks if he can spend one more day with them and "the kids" before he turns himself in. Mitch says that of course he can.
Clay goes storming out of a not-class with Meghan right behind him. Clay says he can't believe Meghan "kept it a secret" and that she should have told him. First of all, she told him at school during class? Fucking brilliant. "Hey, do you know the answer to number sixteen because your deadbeat dad who ditched you in intensive care has been hanging around you your whole life stalking you and stuff and for some reason decided to break his silence by talking to me because I hair-flipped the hell out of him and then he begged me to not tell you but I knew it would be an even bigger deal if you knew what was going on so first I told Slut Girl because I knew she would tell everyone and then I told your dad I was going to tell you so that he can high-tail it out of here before you ever get to see him and now I'm telling you so you can get all upset but not be able to do a thing about it?" Meghan is, of course, outraged that Clay could be mad at her, when this is all so not her fault: "I'm telling you now, all right?" Meghan says that he doesn't know how to talk to Clay because he doesn't want to hurt him. Clay says, "You can't stand there after knowing this guy for what, a minute? And tell me about how BAD he feels? It's too late for that. This guy walked out on me and my mom [sic] while we were in the HOSPITAL. Why are you on his side?" "I'm not on anyone's side," Meghan sneers. "Yeah, well, maybe that's the problem." Clay storms off as Meghan looks after him and thinks, "I can't believe I gave up my sorta-best friend for this. I tell him a painful secret at school and he totally embarrasses me in front of everyone. If this keeps up everyone is going to forget how totally popular I am without any friends."
Music plays while Cameron empties out his locker. He uses Sikes' old box. Principal Foreshadowing watches over him. I keep rolling my eyes. This kid is sixteen. Isn't there a law that he has to be in school somewhere? I mean, they can't just deny him an education. You can't spell Green Kid without "GED." Kenny brings Cam his gym stuff. Cam is all teary. Kenny acts like Cam is just going on vacation and says he'll see him at home. Slut Girl flirts with Cam one last time before he has to leave. For the last time, GET THESE KIDS OUT OF VESTS! Principal Foreshadowing walks behind Cameron as he leaves. Well, that school is going to save a fortune in "No Skateboarding" signs. Cameron gets into Mary's car and thanks her for being so cool to him when he was such a pain in the ass. He has to take off his seatbelt for this scene so we know he means it. The backs of the car sats are, like, gone. Cam kisses Mary's head again. Mary asks him to not screw up his life and waste it. He promises he won't. He asks what he's going to do about Mitch. Mary is all, "not my problem, can't fix it, can't rescue you on that one" and says that he'll have to talk to Mitch to solve that one. Mary is like a Bounce Dryer Sheet, man. Nothing sticks to her. Five-note jingle.
Steve has the video camera now and he's asking Cam, Kenny and Meghan who their favorite uncle is. Oh, this scene is painfully trite. After much "joking" they finally admit that it's him, since he's their only uncle. Meghan's giant bay windows are always covered in condensation. Perhaps it's all the hot air those kids generate. Maybe it's all the huffing and exhaling. Maybe it's the Malcolm In the Middle set right door celebrating its Neilsen Ratings. Meghan takes the camera and demands that Steve promise to be at their house Christmas. He gets his liar face on and says he promises. They rejoice, as if they can't see that Steve's liar face is just as transparent as any other Green member's. Why do I bother? Tonight's soundtrack is brought to you by the ABC Afterschool Special, "Mommy, Why Can't I Play the Flute?"
Teleporting. Mitch and Steve are at the Sin and Renovation. Steve declares that he's going to go to Mexico. Mitch says that Steve must have planned this all along: "You wanna run, Steve? Run. I don't wanna have anything to do with it." He exhales. "You need money. I feel so stupid, you know, you manipulated me from the minute you walked in the door." He says that all that stuff about their mother and the family was a lie. "That's not true," Steve says. Mitch: "Yeah, well, what's true Steve? You know? Really. Tell me, because uh, I don't know anymore." Steve pulls out the Cliché Machine and says both of the following sentences: "I'm all alone, I don't have anyplace to go." "You're my brother, Mitch, you're all I've got." It seems there's a mix-up here and that those were two alternative lines that Steve actually said one after another. There are a few more sentences starting with the word "Look" as Steve says he doesn't want to go to jail. He knows he messed up, but he needs Mitch now. "I'm scared. Please help me." And that'll do it for the available lines from Wayward Siblings: When You're Asking For Help "One Last Time". He asks Mitch to help him run. Thirty-second pause. Fade to white. Commercial.
I wake up as Mary wakes up. Her clock says it's 6:33. Mitch is outside shooting hoops. What asshole neighbors they are. If my neighbor was slamming the backboards at six-thirty in the morning, someone would be getting a bag of flaming poop on their doorstep. Mary gives a self-satisfied arm-cross and teleports outside in a robe. I guess I'd be pretty satisfied with myself if I could wake up with makeup and hair gel, too. She asks Mitch for a "time-out." She says, "You know, there's this incredible thing I do. While you talk, I drink my coffee and listen. Wanna try it out?" Go ahead, Mary. I dare you. I double dare you. I triple dog dare you to sit there and listen to Mitch's problem without saying a damn word. "Steve wants me to help him run," Mitch says. "You're kidding! Are you considering it?" Man, I didn't even get to enjoy that bet before it was over. Mitch says that if he doesn't help, Steve he could go to jail for a long time: "He needs my help." Mary: "He certainly doesn't deserve it," The Great Listener interrupts. But she's not done: "So, what, now you're aiding and abetting a fugitive?" Mitch says that Steve's his brother. Mary says that he stole money from people. Mitch says that Steve is scared. He says that his brother needs him to help him out of this. Mary gives the pitying head tilt and says, "He's counting on that, Mitch. I don't see how you can keep bailing your brother out and still come down so hard on your son." Instead of telling her to piss off, like I would have done, Mitch says that he comes down hard on Cameron because he's young and has his whole life ahead of him and can change. It's too late for Steve. Steve's only about thirty, by the way, so I don't really know what Mitch is doing making Steve seem eligible for Social Security. "He's a grown man. He's not your responsibility," Switzerland says, kicking off the five-note jingle. "You know the sad thing? Sad thing's he's always been my responsibility." Oh, wah. Poor widdle Mitchy. "I promised Mom I'd take care of him." Mitch just hates having to take care of people. If only it weren't for this family...
Clay sits in the Not-So-Secret Lovers Spot in the School Without Classes. Meghan walks up the stairs and immediately says that it wasn't her fault. She was just trying to help. Besides, it's probably Clay's fault anyway. No one can stay mad during the five-note jingle. She says she wanted Clay to have a chance to have a dad, since she's got one and everything. She knows how lucky she is. He says he's sorry he took it all out on her. Meghan nods her head like the noble woman she is. She hair-tucks as he says he was angry to find out that his dad was there all along when he wanted him so bad. "We've been through a lot, Clay, a lot," Meghan says, turning the conversation back to its important point -- herself. She says that she'd never intentionally do anything to hurt him. He kisses her hand at her apologies because that's what you do to a princess. She tucks her head under his chin and acts all innocent and says that she "kind of sort of" invited CBD to Clay's track meet. Clay says it's no big deal because he knows he won't show up. "You don't know that. I mean, maybe he..." "Yeah. I do." They smile and sit really close. "So," Meghan smirks. "The clarinet, huh?" Jesus, this girl loves drama. She spills one secret after another. Clay looks at her like, "Wha?" as we leave that scene. Meghan sure likes the make-ups.
Cameron is all not schoolin' sitting on the couch with headphones on, but no music playing or Walkman that we can see. He turns when he hears the door open. It's Mitch, and he asks Cameron to "take that upstairs." The Walkman? Whatever. Cam gets up to go, but starts jaw-clicking and mouth-breathing, so we know he's gotta get something off his chest. He takes off the headphones and says, "I'm sorry." He's developed a lisp. He says he's not going to end up like Steve. "I know," Mitch says, "I'm not going to let you." Cam says he wants to go back to school. Mitch says they'll work on that, but he's "going to be tough" on Cam. He's got his hands on his hips to show just how tough he's going to be. Say the line with me: "But just 'cause I'm tough on you Cam, doesn't mean I don't love you." Tongue...thickening... "As long as you don't give up on me." Stomach...clenching... "Not even." Throat...tightening... Cam gives his over-toothy grin and I vomit all over my chair. The phone rings. Cam and Mitch share a few smiles. Cam leaves as Steve conveniently walks in. "Yeah, Detective, he is my brother." Mitch and Steve share a few looks. Mitch says he'd be happy to answer a few questions. Mitch gets off the phone and Steve asks if he turned him in. Mitch says he didn't, but that the police were on their way over for questioning. He says that Steve has to turn himself in.
At the track race...it's Friday? How many days have passed? What time is it? Meghan cheers for Clay.
Mary asks Mitch if she's sure he doesn't want her to stay. He says no and kisses her goodbye. She tells him to tell Steve goodbye for her. Wow. Your brother-in-law is looking at five to ten and you have someone deliver your goodbye for you when he's in your own house? S.E.L.F.-C.E.N.T.E.R.E.D. Steve walks down the stairs as Mary leaves.
Meghan has one eye on Clay running and the other looking for CBD.
Mitch says he'll get Steve the best lawyer in town. Steve asks what he's going to tell their father. Mitch asks what Steve wants him to say. Steve goes through a few possible lies.
Meghan cheers Clay.
Steve stands up and says he can't do this: "I mean, I can't believe you're turning me in. I thought I could count on you" Mitch: "Hey, hey, hey! I'm not turning you in. I could never turn you in." Yes, you are. Oh, and if you're thinking about getting busted by the cops, make sure you stand in to an Apple product. The G4. For when you're about to do the hard time. Make sure you've got a new hard disk. Apple. "You're my brother, for God's sake" Mitch says, as confetti and balloons drop from my ceiling celebrating the one-thousandth reminder of Mitch and Steve's relationship. "I could never turn you in." Mitch uses his Green skills to say that Steve showed up at his house. "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to lie to them?" Steve: "Yes, that's what brothers are supposed to do. You watch each other's back. If the situation were reversed, I'd lie for you." Mitch: "Yeah? Well, that's the difference between you and me, Steve, I would never ask you to." Man, they are tearing up the English language, here. "Go to hell," Steve retorts, but since he's a fugitive he can't make that really cool exit and instead just turns his back on Mitch for a second.
Clay runs.
Mitch says he'll be there for Steve and that he's gonna go through this with him. "See? You're really not though, 'cause you're gonna be here with your family, and your fireplace, and your cozy little domestic problems, and I'm going to be in prison." Tee hee. Mitch doesn't have anything to say to that, so he walks away. "Mitch, I'm sorry -- wait." NO! Don't back down to him! Everyone does that! Dammit! Someone needs to stand up to someone in this pompous family! Damn! Mitch's powers of emotional control are really stunning. "It's not your fault. I'm just scared." Shit.
"Go Clay!"
Steve: "The story of my life." "Sorry things didn't work out differently," Mitch says, which is so not the right response there. Steve: "Yeah. You and me both." Mitch: "You know I still love you." There's a knock at the door, which kicks off the few guessable moments in this episode. They look at each other for a few minutes. Mitch declares everything "okay." Mitch opens the door, but it's Slut Girl looking for Meghan. She asks if she's back from the track meet yet. Poor Clay. Everyone watches him practice, but no one will go see the meet. Mitch walks back into the living room and jokes that Steve can calm down because it was a "false alarm," but of course Steve has slipped out the back door. Crazy guitar music plays like I just won on that Aerosmith arcade game. Good for Steve. If I were about to go to prison I wouldn't want my brother cracking jokes about my last few minutes of freedom.
Clay wins his race and immediately stops running, which shows me that he's never run before because his thighs would be screaming at him. Meghan shoves all the well-wishers out of the way so she gets the proper sweaty hug. Clay scans the audience. She says she didn't see his dad. Clay says he figured as much and that maybe he'll catch him time. People are hugging each other on the track. Girls in sweaters are just hugging each other. I don't know. She tells him to take a victory lap. He pulls her along with him. She complains about wearing heels, but he doesn't seem to care, since no one is watching him take the victory lap or concerned about his victory anyway.
Friday night at the Green house. That means they're watching home movies, people. Awwwwwww yeah. Whoop! Whoop! They watch the video they made of the NIGHT BEFORE -- or two nights, who knows -- where Steve promises to be home for Christmas. Because this show has put the crap in recap I don't have to hash out the details of this scene again, but we watch every minute of it. All of the Green kids sit around (Clay is there, keeping Meghan trapped in his arms). Five-note jingle is going wild; switching from oboe to guitar to oboe as Meghan is ordering Steve around on video ("Listen to me! Now!"). Mary asks Mitch if he thinks Steve will get caught. Mitch asks if it's okay if he says he hopes not. The Center of the Universe says it's okay. What a peach. Mitch gives Cam a small head dart and the two of them go outside and play ball in the dark. They are shouting and yelling and grunting and I can't believe no one calls the cops on them. We are forced to a flashback of the Mitch-and-Steve-As-Kids video. More vomit. An anvil falls and pins baby Mitch to the ground. Cameron and Mitch continue screaming like banshees outside while Mary looks on approvingly. Both Old-Time Kids are pinned under anvils as one of them actually holds up a sign that says, "So Long Partner. The End." We get that "Old Camera running out of film" thing as the show mercifully ends until March.
Hey, Get Real: You are not The Wonder Years. Not even close.
Then they come back on and thank everyone for making Get Real "One of the most talked-about new dramas this year." Wha? Oh, you mean "Will it get cancelled this week or ?" Right.