First of all, I was totally lied to. I thought this was the last Get Real for a couple of weeks, but it so isn't. There's another one week. And they've also got these really annoying "Violence. Get Over It" PSAs running on FOX with all of the cast members. Anyway, here's the Previously: Baby gone. Meghan can't believe that her friend is mad at her for stealing her boyfriend. Cameron has a special moment with Principal Foreshadowing. It said these were scenes from last week, but this was two weeks ago. Not that anyone but me knows this.
Happy Mitch and Mary "Miss Carriage" Green skip up the stairs, since Mary wants to show Mitch something important. As she walks into a dark room and gives him the backwards "come hither" look, we cut to a van that says "Winter Wonderland 2000" in blue glitter and a penguin on the hood skidding around a wet street. At one point it looks like it's snowing, but then it's not, so I don't know. Some blonde hangs out the side and bangs on the door in an exhibition of high-school antics not seen since Lori Singer switched cars in Footloose. The soundtrack here, unfortunately, is the Testosterone Guitar. We're inside the School Without Classes but it's late at night. You can tell because there are fewer students milling around and these guys have flashlights. I've never noticed the Greens-Only Staircase is Mexican Tiled. Cargo Pants and Hoodie Jacket run to the back door of the school.
Mitch has followed Mary into his own bedroom. "Oh, my," he says, and we see that the room is filled with lit candles. A fire is burning in their second-storey bedroom fireplace. The bed is covered in rose petals. Mary is out of work and Mitch just went into business for himself, but they have this house. Sure. Also, Mitch and Mary have been married for seventeen years but they still sleep on a double bed? Riiiiiiight. No wonder they have marriage problems. Mary unrobes herself and announces that there will be no interruptions. Yo. Right after the D & C, babe? Ouch.
Cut to what looks like the driver of the Winter Wonderland van sticking both fists in the air out the window as some other girls scream really loud to avoid getting caught. Oh, it's a truck. Sorry. You can tell by the giant lawn chair in the bed of it. What the --?
Cargo Pants and Hoodie Jacket try to open the double doors, but they are chained. "Come on, open it!" one of them yells (like Cameron). The other holds a screwdriver to the doorplate for a few seconds, so then I'm not sure which one is Cameron because both are obviously stupid.
Mary takes Mitch into her sexed-up arms and thanks him for being so good to her "since the miscarriage." So, I guess he's been a good husband to her these past six days we were away. Well, finally. Hundreds of dollars were spent at Pottery Barn for this candle scene. She says she knows it was a loss for him too. He thanks her. Kissing.
Cargo Pants and Hoodie Jacket start running towards the (shut) door yelling at the screaming people outside the (shut) door to not drive inside. Something about not being ready. Blah, blah, blah, crashcakes. Lots of shattered glass. I guess the driver was so busy fisting the air that he/she didn't notice the shut and locked set of double doors. The overhead lamp sees too much broken glass and must fall on top of the truck as well, but it's back up for the shot. High-school kids pile out of the truck and onto broken glass, saying that the gas pedal got stuck. I guess there is no alarm system in this Richie-Rich school? No security? "We are so screwed," someone says. Everyone grabs a staggering buddy and starts running down the hallways shouting, "Let's go!" Um, not to bother you in your stressful time or anything, guys, but there's a really big hole that you could drive a truck through behind you? Perhaps that'd be a faster way out of the -- well, you don't have to listen to me. Oh, look. You aren't. Fine.
Mitch and Mary stop lip-touching as Mitch asks, "Well? Where do we begin?" With a condom this time, buddy. Just a suggestion.
Meghan is in her room. She sits on her bed with three textbooks in front of her. Her hand is on her forehead as she reviews four types of particles. There is a rock-on-window noise. She looks out her window and says, "Oh, my God." Well, that's enough studying for this year, anyway. Meghan opens the front door (using her teleportation powers) and sees the whimpering, tearful Ferret, holding her "bloody" arm that's covered with a tee-shirt or something. She says she didn't know where else to go. She's got a smudge of dirt on her nose and her hair is all sweaty and messy. She asks for Meghan's help. Meghan drags her into the house. They teleport to Meghan's room, where she's dabbing Ferret's "wound" with the same tee-shirt material. If this thing were real, not only would Ferret have a mondo scar, but also she'd be on her way to getting some stitches. Ferret tells Meghan that the whole thing was going to be a joke. She then ferrets so fast that I can't figure out what happened. Something about tires being taken off, gas pedal stuck. She complains that she's going to be in "so much trouble." Meghan walks off, saying they'll think of something. Ferret says that Meghan has to tell "them" that she was at the Greens' tonight. "I know things have been a little weird between us, because of Clay?" Meghan gives Ferret the quick "you aren't allowed to say his name in front of me" look. "I think you owe me," Ferret continues. Meghan says she'll cover for her and Ferret thanks her. "We're friends," Meghan reminds her. "What are friends for?" Lying, cheating, boyfriend-stealing -- that's what little girls are made of. Meghan asks if everyone else is okay. Ferret says she doesn't know because they all took off in different directions. Meghan asks who the other people are and Ferret says that Meghan "lives with one of them." Grandma! How could you? Oh.
Cut to Hoodie Jacket running into a garage or something and straight into a corner. HJ makes a whole bunch of noise around some trash cans, so we know this must be Our Man Cam. He spins around with his flashlight and shows us his sweaty face. He's mouth-breathing so hard that he sounds like he's having an asthma attack. His hair is pointing straight up. Man, that was one bad accident. Screwed up everyone's gel. Fade to white. Opening credits.
Dear FOX: Swing: 1997-1998. Current Year: 2000. Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is no longer "Money," okay? Love, pamie.
Fade up on the World's Largest Kitchen. All are present and accounted for. Mary is on the phone, planning something and taking out the trash. Meghan sits beside Cam at the table and asks him what happened last night. He says that things just got out of control and asks if Ferret is all right. Meghan says that Ferret is not all right and reminds us all that Cam already has "two strikes" against him. Like they're in Juvie or something. Meghan sits self-righteously in front of her plate of mixed fruit. Cam says that Ferret just needs to "stay cool." He says that things will be just fine. They whisper, so no one else in the same room can hear them at all. Meghan gives him a really good glaring, because she knows that things are "so not fine." She asks whether he got hurt. He says he's fine. Mary walks in and announces that Mitch will be her date for the Winter Ball at the kids' high school. Mitch says that chaperones are just "Punch bowl monitors." Elizabeth says that Mitch is "way out of date," setting us up for the Elderly Hip Joke: "Nowadays it's X and metal detectors." Cue three-kid double take. Elizabeth wraps it up: "I watch a lot of Dateline." Hey, kids, try the veal. What does she do all day? I mean, she doesn't have a job, and she has no friends that we know about. I wonder if she went back to smoking since the baby isn't going to show up. "You're going to our school dance?" Kenny finally asks. "Yeah!" Mary says, like that's not the cruelest thing for a parent to do. She says they won't even know that she's there. Cam and Meghan say they sure won't, since they had no intentions of going. Kenny stammers that it's hard for him to go when no one will go with him. Poor Kenny. That's Kenny, all right. Never gets any of the ladies. Mary is outraged that not one of her children is planning on going to the dance. She says that when she went to Truman High, she always went to the dances. In fact, that's where she met Mitch. Maybe it's a good thing they don't want to go, Mar. Just sayin'. The kids moan that they know this "Enchantment Under the Sea Dance" story because we've all seen Back to the Future. Well, they don't point out the ripped-off plot, but I will. I'm just glad it was a van and not a Delorean, or Cam may have to fight some Libyans. Cam says "blah, blah, blah," but forgets the "fishcakes." Strummy guitar continues ad nauseum.
Meghan opens her front door and sees Clay running past. She gets all scared and shuts the door. She peeks out again and sees Clay running past in the other direction. She then gets the "oh, he's so damn adorable" look on her face and walks out of her house in his direction. Her hair is Woman. Hear it roar. Clay runs up to her and says he hadn't seen her in a while. She asks if that's why he's in a "continuous loop" around her house. I call it "stalking," but since he's good-looking, we call it "flirting." Clay is wearing that stupid Cracker Jack sand dollar again. He gives the "your block is the perfect distance for laps" bit, and I'm surprised that Meghan doesn't bust out with that "lying smoother" lingo that all the kids are speaking these days. Clay invites Meghan to the dance. She says no. "We're going," he attempts to demand of the Center of the Universe. He says that he bought new clothes and got a haircut and that he's been practicing really romantic things to say. He's also been working on sealing his sweat glands, as there is not one trace of an actual jog on his body. Meghan asks for an example of his love-talk, but he says she'll have to go to the dance to find out. She of course says she can't, and that he knows why. Clay says that he hates that Ferret got hurt. Check out what he says , yo: "But she broke up with me." Way to call her on the technicality, buddy! He says he wants a chance to prove to Meghan that they belong together and that he's felt that way since the first time he saw her. Meghan agrees that he's been working on his romantic-talk. Five-note jingle drones on in the background. Buh-nuh-na-na-nah! (That's the jingle.) Giggle, giggle, sexy squint. He hops, skips, jumps, and runs away as Meghan and I watch him. We do so hate to see him go, but we love to watch him leave. Meghan gives a huge eye-rolling to say, "Why are my problems so massive? Why must everyone love me so?"
I wonder what happened to all of the camera-talking and voice-overs? Perhaps they realized that it was cheese. : The music. After that: The writing. Finally: The season.
In the School Without Classes, everyone is staring at the mess of glass and automobile in the entryway to the school. One woman stands in front of it with her arms up, droning, "Kids! Come on. Step back. Step back." Well, at least we know what Chief Wiggum's wife does for a living. Slut Girl is staring with her mouth open (sorry, couldn't resist) as Cameron comes up from behind her (didn't mean that one). They have placed a couple of yellow cones by the wheels of the truck so we know that an investigation is pending. "This is hard-core," Slut Girl notes. "Destruction of school property. They were committed, I'll give them that." The intercom summons Chris DeFalco to the office "immediately." Cameron gives a look behind him; because there are only fifty-something kids in this whole school he quickly makes eye contact with The Chosen One. They both stand with mouths agape. Some guy behind Chris that they've got looking like Ricky from Better Off Dead actually shouts, "DeFalcooooooooh! Ohhhh -- OOOHHH!" Ooh. Rock me, Amadeus. This somehow makes Slut Girl realize that Cameron was involved. She is shocked at first and then impressed, because she always thought that Cam was just some poseur skater. Your first hunch was right, Slutisha. They have this conversation peppered with "so," "way," and "hello?" so we know that they are cool. Absolutely no one has a class to go to, so they just stand around the broken glass and wreckage chatting politely, but not too loudly so we don't miss a word that Cameron says, but not enough to know that he just admitted to doing the crime.
Kenny sits in the Library With Invisible Modem Connections with his iBook. He gets "mail" from "anonymous." Because anonymous email is always opened automatically on a Green's iBook, Kenny's letter opens immediately. It is addressed to Kenny_Green@trumanhigh.edu. Because that's the only Truman High that matters, people. It is "from" "Anonymous." I'm not making that up. No reply addy, folks. It says, "I don't know if you have a date already, but I was hoping you'd be interested in going with me to the Winter Ball. Out of all the guys in school, you're always cool to me, and you make me feel really special. You're compassionate, understanding -- and I don't know anybody as totally funny as you are. I think we'd have a really good time. Anyway, if you're interested, meet me on the Quad after school. Can't wait to see you!"
Kenny and Victor make the obligatory locker check while Kenny accuses Victor of faking the dance invite. Victor gives him the "dude," so we know he's "totally serious" about so not-faking the letter. He points out that the letter is filled with "chick-words," like "compassionate" and "understanding." He says no guy would talk that way. Kenny is forced to agree. Kenny is amazed that he was asked to the dance. "Secret e-mail girl," Victor nods, "that's cool." Glad he's got approval. "Says to meet her after school," Victor says. "Think I should go?" Man, when we say Kenny has no neck, he really has no neck, you know? Victor says that the girl is both available and interested: "Two entirely new concepts for you." Kenny laughs, as if he hasn't gone farther with a girl than Victor has. The locker shuts, leaving us the warm memory of boyhood friendship.
Back at Sinful Renovations, Laura the Pretty Project Engineer announces that they are officially done. She hands him a bunch of papers and says that the city has approved all of his permits. Mitch leers that it feels like they just got started. Laura laughs and says it'll feel weird without talking to him every day. Mitch stares for too long with too much intensity and says, "Yeah. We had a good run." Thanks, Coach. They hug for a while. Still hugging. Hugalicious. Mitch says he'll see her around. Lauren suggests they go for a drink. To celebrate. Mitch says it's only three in the afternoon. His Soprano lisp is back. Laura says she might not ever see him again. Riiight. Cue the porno music. No, really. He said okay, and the music started going, "Bwa-chicka-wah-wah. Bwa-chicka-wah-wah." They pack up their things.
That truck is still sitting in the school entrance, which seems to me to be a giant hazard, but whatever. Meghan walks into the hallway wondering how she can be so pretty, smart and talented and still have to choose between her Winter Best Friend and her January Boyfriend. She looks up and sees Ferret standing on her mark in the Special Secret Lovers Spot. Meghan stands on her mark on the first floor and stares up for a few minutes so that we can hear the singer sing something about not living here anymore. (But not the good song about Love not living there anymore.) Meghan teleports up to where Ferret stands and leans over the rail with her. Ferret's arm appears to be just peachy keen. She tells Meghan that another person got called to the office. I can't tell who it was because Ferret is trying to be "mysterious" which translates as "pouty" for her, and with all of the baby-wuddling I can't figure out half of what she says. She says that there were five of them that night, and that "they've already got two." Who's "they?" And what happened to them after they were "gotten?" Meghan points out that Ferret has an alibi. Meghan starts chirping along, tra-la-la, "Clay-is-just-something-you-mold-ashtrays-with" and asks if Ferret would like to get a latte. "No thanks." Meghan is all, "Hey! Remember that time? Remember when we were friends? We had good times!" She starts babbling about some time that they were studying for a test, but since Meghan isn't very good at being a friend and hasn't really ever shared a moment with one, she tells this memory like it's something that happened to her personally and just talks about how much coffee she drank and how it really gave her the jitters and how it took her a week to recover and how she's just HER, HER, HER. Ferret tells her to stop. Meghan gives Ferret the "did you just order the Center of the Universe?" look. Ferret says that Meghan keeps acting like things are back to normal between the two of them, but they aren't. Ferret carries an ugly bag that looks like someone tried to make punctuation marks out of cow hide. Meghan says she's just trying to be her friend. She whispers it, so we know that it's just killing Meghan that she can't have everything just the way she wants it. Ferret says that Meghan can say it all she wants, but it's not coming true. I think she'll say it a few more times, because she's the Center of the Universe, and she's not really used to being turned down. She'll dump you when she's ready, Ferret. Ferret walks off to show us her really ugly bag in a "Hey! I'm an Unnecessarily Ugly Bag! I must be REALLY important!" moment.
Bar. Laura is talking, but Mitch is just thinking about how he's never had the chance to screw a blonde before. The set people have been listening, because they are letting the extras smoke in the bar. Taunting me. Taunting me with their cigarettes. I used to smoke while I watched this show, too. Now I'm developing a drinking problem. Beer doesn't dull the pain. I think I see Quentin Tarantino in the background, and I feel like telling him to get back on that horse. We've all forgotten about Jackie Brown by now, and we're starting to get nostalgic for Reservoir Dogs. Laura is all slurry, and she says she may have good news in the future, but can't bring it up now for fear of jinxing it. Then don't bring it up at all, young lady. Sorry. Sometimes I channel my mother and I cannot stop it. Laura excuses herself, and the guy at the table raises his glass to Mitch in a way that says either "Way to go, Man!" or "I'm available!" Mitch lowers his head in his hands, so it's hard to tell which way he's taking the stranger's gesture.
The "Quad," where Kenny is to meet Anonymous, is the bleachers. They tried to disguise them as something other than the same bleachers where every meeting in this show takes place, but it's hard to disguise bleachers. A band marches around in "formation" playing some Sousa song at a really imposing volume. Kenny and Victor walk up and see two girls standing on the bleachers. Kenny is wearing the same sweater that my boyfriend is wearing. I mention this to him and he says that he's already challenged Kenny to a fight at the bleachers after school tomorrow. He's my hero. Victor says it's not too late to back out, since the two girls haven't seen them, but Kenny says that they might as well say hi, since this girl obviously sees something in him that no one else does. Kenny walks up to the brunette and shakes her hand. He introduces himself and says that he'd love to go to the dance with her. She says that she didn't invite him. She introduces herself as Allison. She points at the silent blonde to her. She says that her sister Kimberly invited him. Kenny shakes her hand and says it's nice to meet her. Kimberly nods. Meet her? The email talks about how nice he is to her and how funny she thinks he is. Kenny says that he can't believe he doesn't remember her. He says he's thinking of getting a CAT scan. For some reason this makes the two girls look at each other and laugh. Maybe because they can't believe he tried to make that a joke. Weird moment where they all stare at each other. Kenny asks if Kimberly's sister represents her in all of her cases. Of course, this is where Kimberly signs her message to Allison to translate. Now, maybe someone at Get Real read on my website about how that snap.com commercial with the ASL gets me all weepy, but this is really not the same thing. Kimberly signs that "Ally McBeal wasn't available." Hmm...that's close to a shout-out, too. Kenny is shocked. Stunned. Staring at her as if she was both Laura Dern and Rocky Dennis. Kimberly asks if he's going to go to the dance with her. Kenny still needs Allison's translation. After too many seconds of thought, Kenny nods and says that yes he will, as if he's doing her a really big favor and he's a really nice person for doing so. He gives her a double-thumbs-up "Absolutely." Kimberly looks just like a girl I went to college with who used to make up cuss words like "Schmick" and "Funka." Double merciful fade to white as the Sousa music ends.
Kenny is filling Mitch and Mary in on the school's "Whitewater investigation thing." Everyone is walking around with toothbrushes in their mouths. Mary asks Cameron if he knows anything about the prank. Cam says that it's hard to miss "a big parade floating in the hallway," or something like that. I don't know. He then tells them that "Kenny's totally exaggerating." Kenny says he isn't. He gives Kenny the "shut up" glare while Kenny gives him the "what's your problem" back-glance.
Kenny teleports to the School Without Classes and walks up to Kimberly and Allison. "Hey, Kenny!" Allison says. "We were just talking about you." We're going to ignore the entire insulting storyline of throwing a hearing-impaired girl in Kenny's school just to teach him something about others, okay? Because I think we've seen it. Over and over and over again. This is the scene where Kenny yells real loud to the deaf girl and talks to her sister more than her and then moves his lips really slowly because he thinks that she's an idiot. He then stomps on the ground because he read on the Internet that she could feel vibrations. He does everything short of bringing her fingers to his mouth and shouting, "Wah-Wah!" I think the problem with her reading your lips, Kenny, is that pouty lisp you've developed since episode five. Anyway, we all remember this from Very Special Episodes of Growing Pains, Diff'rent Strokes, Family Ties, The Facts of Life and Silver Spoons, so I'm not rehashing the "storyline" again. Kenny has apparently never seen one of them deaf peoples this close and he looks at her more like a bizarre fungus than a real human. Kenny has a large collection of sweaters with double horizontal stripes. Allison grabs Kimberly's hand and pulls her away from further humiliation with a "we've got class" excuse.
St. Clare shouts at me from the top of the television that since this is episode thirteen in the series, she's powerless to control it. It's the Demon's Episode. I thought that was episode eleven, but apparently there's even more badness ahead.
Another name is called over the intercom, and we watch Ferret look very nervous as the "Nervous Music" kicks in.
Back at Green Manor, Mitch walks into his castle wearing tiny running shorts. His legs are small. He is very sweaty. At first I think the giggles in the background are for him, but instead Mary and Elizabeth are sitting with (guess who?) Laura the Pretty Project Engineer in the World's Largest Kitchen. Laura pulls her sweater down to her butt to accentuate her perfect bottom. Elizabeth makes a Key Lime Pie joke. Yeah, it's just as funny as it sounds. Mary gives Mitch a warning glare as Mitch gives Laura the "did you boil my kid's rabbit, too?" look. Laura says she just stopped by to announce the good news. She's going into business for herself and she'd like Mitch to become her partner. This makes all fun and Key Lime Pie talk end immediately. Mary and Elizabeth share a "'Partner' means 'Partin' Her'" look as Laura pulls up some plans of some great place that she got. "Get out of here!" Mitch says. "No," Laura says, and that awkward exchange makes me laugh. Laura stands too close to Mitch and tucks her hair. She says that if the building people like what they do that they could get several more projects lined up. They always have Laura in too little light. Mary's neck cords are so taut that her head is preciously balanced on top of them and she has to tilt it to the side so it doesn't bob like a dashboard doggie. Mitch asks if he can think it over, and Mary involuntarily shakes her head no as Laura looks at her. The five-note jingle threatens to sing its song. Laura tells him to take all the time he needs and then they'll "iron out the details." I guess she assumes his answer is yes. Laura thanks Mary and Elizabeth "for listening," and Mary meows, "I wouldn't've missed it."
Elizabeth walks her out. Mitch and Laura share an awkward moment until she leaves. Mitch's butt doesn't even hit the chair before Mary lays into him that he probably shouldn't even have a partner right now after David and no matter how flattering the offer is, Laura has a huge crush on Mitch. I like how Mary can't even see her husband blatantly flirting with that woman. I saw him drop some of his sweat on her on purpose. Mitch says he should think about it because of the "financial incentive alone." His lisp has come back. Mary asks us all to remember "Christmas? The briefcase?" I haven't forgotten. You, my faithful readers, haven't forgotten. Mitch rolls his eyes almost as hard as I do. In the Green Family Tradition, he then throws his problem back into Mary's face by asking her, "What, you don't trust me?" Mary says that she doesn't feel comfortable resting the family's financial security on a "relationship that is already questionable." Oh, and if you're going to think about cheating on your wife with a blonde, drink the spring water that Mitch drinks. Crystal Geyser. For when you've got a really good comeback like, "You're not the boss of me." Mitch narrows his eyes and asks if that means that he has to say no. Mary says that ultimately the decision is his (of course) and that he knows how she feels (sorta). Mitch gives her a good glaring that says, "Who said you could sass me, woman?" "And if you think I'm wrong, then you think I'm wrong," Mary backs down. Mitch gives her a deeper glaring. Mary tries to be sassy and take a quick bite of her Key Lime, but since she's not comfortable with the thought of her husband screwing a blonde, she aims the fork incorrectly and she ends up with pie on her face. She tries to pull it off like we can't see it, hoping that we'll be reeling from the awful scene-changing music and not actually watching the screen.
The School Without Classes is brought to you by Apple Computers. Meghan is "working" on a machine when her instant mail pops up announcing a letter "To: Meghan From: Clay" No last names needed here. With a punch of the huge "Click Here" button, a Shockwave file executes without any effort on Meghan's part. No further software is needed to run this application. It did, however, wipe out everything else on her desktop, so I think she's in for a bit of a surprise when she learns how to use that machine. It's a postcard from Clay. Winter music plays as these two figures dance back and forth in stocking caps. Their heads are cutouts of Clay and Meghan. I guess Clay had a copy of that wedding picture lying around as well. "Would you please go to the Winter Ball with me...[sic]" the stalker has written. Meghan just stares and stares at this thing so Ferret can walk in behind her and stand in the library doorway (that has no door) and read the postcard over Meghan's shoulder. Meghan's desktop is back. Ferret is, like, really angry now. She's got her face all bunched up and everything. At that moment Ferret's name is called over the intercom. She looks up. Meghan's smile fades. Cameron looks from the hallway in some direction. Slut Girl looks in another direction in the hallway. People move in that jerky slow-motion while the "Principal Characters" deal with the "tension." The Center of the Universe has a concerned look on her face.
Apparently the other half of the school is on "recess," since there are students sitting outside on the lawn, standing around trees and talking. Kenny sits on a bench with Victor. They eat from paper bags. Another boy, whom we will just call Obnoxious, stands by the tree. Kenny says that usually he has to worry about sounding stupid on a date. This time he'll just have to worry about "looking like [he] sounds stupid." "Di-hhoood!" Obnoxious begins, "I don't care what you say. Sssawesome!" All right, Farley, calm down. We watch Kimberly being alone and deaf sitting on a bench across from the thirty-year old sitting in the grass. "She looks great. And she can't talk. You hit the mother lode!" "She's deaf, not catatonic," Kenny says, as if he knew that the whole time. "So how you guys going to communicate?" Victor nudge-nudge-wink-winks. Kenny says he's still working on it. He puts his bag lunch to the side and walks the fifteen feet to Kimberly's bench. He asks if he can sit and she makes room for him. He says that he hasn't learned how to sign but if they keep it to yes/no answers he should be okay. They discuss movies for a while. She's laughing at his "jokes," so I'm assuming she's just being nice. As Kenny goes down a list of pros and cons of liking Adam Sandler, you see Kimberly's interest start to wane. Kenny sees Obnoxious and Victor making Kissy-Kissy faces behind Kimberly's head. Instead of pointing them out and saying, "Those are my asshole friends," Kenny just stammers and gets all embarrassed. Kimberly, of course, turns around and sees them and, thinking she's being made fun of, storms off. Obnoxious and Victor give Kenny a look like, "I thought you said she wouldn't be able to hear us!" Kenny glares at them.
Meanwhile Meghan is sitting in a class. Just as she puts a pencil to some paper the bell rings, signaling the end of any sort of potential learning. The intercom announces Meghan's name and requests her appearance at the principal's office. Meghan stands in the center of the classroom (go figure) and stares at the box. No one else seems to notice, though. Or care. Close-up on Slut Girl in bathroom looking worried. Close up on Cameron's ear. He's mouth-breathing. Close up on Clay. He gives the "Damn. I thought she was a good girl," head-shake. He shuts his locker, because it's the law.
Meghan enters the principal's office. I should tell you that Principal Foreshadowing was the Geometry teacher from the Why Can't Cameron Count episode. He was the one asking for some sunshine. I was told that Dr. Sedgwick was removed from the show because test audiences saw a sexual spark between her and Cameron. No! (See episodes three through nine.) I wonder what they're gonna do now that Meghan and Cameron keep gooing at each other. Meghan has her books pulled up to her chest so we know she's nervous. Her hair is pensive. Teary Ferret sits stoically in a chair, showing just a hint of cleavage. Her hair is really upset. Principal Foreshadowing says they just want to clear a few things up. Ferret will not make eye contact and tears keep running down her face. Meghan gives her a look. "Show off," she thinks. Principal Foreshadowing says that Ferret claims she was with Meghan the night of the incident. Meghan says that's true and that they were studying for physics. Principal Foreshadowing shows the surveillance tape from the crime. He clearly points out the three students that were already caught. He points to another. "Does that bag look familiar to you?" he asks. We all have to pan down to look at Ferret's ugly bag as it shouts, "Here!" PF asks if one of them has a different answer to the question. They are both silent. He says that none of the other students have been co-operative, and they were suspended. He offers to be lenient if they can help him identify the last student. He stops the tape on Hoodie Jacket. Meghan looks frightened. PF tells Ferret he knows she's a new kid. She says she'll talk. She says that Hoodie Jacket is...is...(Meghan looks down and thinks, "Oh, I hate it when other people have problems!")...Is...Meghan. Meghan is shocked, but Ferret is still staring straight ahead. I may have been a bit shocked if they hadn't shown this clip in both last week's teaser and every ad run this week. Fade to white.
I'm going to stay a whole lot more than Nine Whole Yards away from that movie.
Meghan says that Ferret is a big, fat liar and that she "absolutely was not involved in this prank." Ferret says she can't lie for her. Meghan begins to cry, which totally makes her look guilty, and she says that she was covering for her before, but now she's telling the truth. She was a liar, but now she's not. See, she's the Center of the Universe, so she's always in the moral good. Ferret is in the bad. See? See? PF asks if she was lying before. "Yes," Meghan sneers at Ferret. He asks if Ferret is lying now. "Yes," Meghan sneers one more time at Ferret. Ferret is unfazed. PF for some reason gives these girls the entire weekend to decide who is going to change their story. He's not concerned about quick justice, I guess, and prefers to just let these girls go back to their classes without so much as a call to the parents. I don't know why Meghan can't just shout, "Call my mother! I was listening to them have sex while I studied! I promise!" He says that one of them should change their story on Monday so that "it'll make things a lot easier." Principal Foreshadowing has spoken. The five-note jingle picks up on Heavy Metal guitar. Buh-nuh-na-na-nah! "That's it," he says. Ferret jumps up and storms out of the room. Instead of pleading her case, Meghan sits in the room for a few minutes more wondering how she's going to deal with her whole new problem that is all hers, hers, hers. The glee!
Ferret makes the obligatory locker check. Meghan teleports right over to her. In a real school this would have signaled a huge catfight. Not here, though. Sorry. Ferret rearranges her schoolbooks to the "No Skateboarding" sign. I think Ferret's locker is where Cameron's used to be two weeks ago. Meghan's hair flies up like she's the Firestarter and she storms over to Ferret. Meghan is really angry, because her teeth are gritted together the entire scene. She asks if Ferret's plan the whole time was to "get [her] involved and then get [her] in trouble." Ferret asks if Meghan's plan the whole time was to be her friend and then steal her boyfriend. Meghan says, "That is so not what this is about." "Yes it is, Meghan!" Ferret and I scream at her. Meghan is shocked. This is complete news to her and her hair has to take a moment. She changes her tactic and begins to whisper. "Amy, this is crazy, I thought we were friends." Jesus, this girl is like a broken record. DEAL WITH IT. She doesn't like you since you kissed her boyfriend. TWICE. Meghan says that Ferret has to tell PF the truth. Ferret says she'd be glad to. In fact, why don't they both go down there and say that Cameron was the other person on the tape? Meghan gets disgusted with Ferret and says, "You know we can't...Gah! He'll get expelled! Gah! Are you trying to hurt him or me?" "You. But I'll settle for him." The bell rings cueing silent milling students. "And for the record?" Ferret closes her locker. "We are not friends." Go Ferret, go Ferret, go! Meghan watches Ferret leave and thinks, "But I'm supposed to get the last word."
Kenny runs up to Kimberly in the hallway and says he wants to apologize. Allison translates, "If you wanna do your good deed for the year, go find some other deaf girl to make fun of." Ooh, dis! Kenny says they weren't making fun of her, they were making fun of him. For being with her. For her being pretty, not being deaf. He's dealing with her being deaf. D'oh! He means, "Handling." D'oh! He doesn't mean that either. Kimberly signs for him to fuck off. I'm not kidding. She gives him the finger. Right there on FOX. The finger. Monumental, and I'm the only person that saw it. Well, and the family members of these cast members. Some of them. The ones that weren't busy. Kenny walks off all dejected.
Meghan and Slut Girl are walking in some sort of walkway. Cameron runs up and says that he heard Meghan getting called in. Slut Girl offers this explanation: "That liar Amy said that Meghan was in on the prank." Yeah, that liar Amy! She's a liar! Cameron has to pull back his lips into a sneer and touch his forehead like he's James Brown as he shouts, "She what?" Hey Cam? The vest? No. Take it off. The collar? Turn. It. Back. Down. Now. Idiot. Cameron says that he's going to go turn himself in, but Meghan says he can't because it's his third strike! Oh, my God! The THIRD STRIKE! It's his precious third strike! No!! He'll be expelled! He won't be able to go to the school of oppression without any classes anymore! NO! Slut Girl says that it's not fair that Ferret could get away with all of this. She's outraged. There's a whole lot of exhaling and eye-rolling and Martyr Meghan is just so damn beautiful about this whole thing. She's so brave. She holds back tears (it's rather easy for her, actually) as she makes Cameron promise he won't turn himself in. He gives her a deep look as he asks why she's doing this. The five-note jingle kicks in (Buh-nuh-na-na-nah!) as Meghan and Cameron make lovey-eyes at each other. "Promise!" she moans. He promises as Meghan starts to walk off. Slut Girl exhales. Cam and Meghan walk off together. "And I thought the Bradys were tight," Slut Girl echoes my thoughts again.
Mitch is blabbing work-talk on his car phone as he pulls the car in the garage so we know that he's about to open the trunk and look at the suitcase from the Christmas episode. He tells the person on the phone that he's thinking about getting a new partner as he opens the trunk and looks at the suitcase from the Christmas episode. Since no one has seen this show before, they show a flashback to Mitch getting the suitcase from Laura. For Christmas. At least I don't have to recap those moments again. They go on for a long time. So long, in fact, that I'm surprised the person on the other end of the phone isn't like, "Uh, Mitch? Hello? You were totally talking and now you're like in Zombietown or something." (That's my Get Real lingo. I've been working on it. Isn't it, like, so totally cool? Yeah, I so totally know.) Mitch says he's still in the "thinkin' it over stage," as he covers up the suitcase (but not too well!) and slams the trunk shut.
Mary is going through her closet. Meghan enters and says she senses a shopping trip. Mary says she's trying to avoid one. Remember when this show was supposed to be a sort of a comedy? Me either. Meghan is doing her best Morrissey impersonation on Mary's bed, so Mary asks what's going on. Meghan says that she needs to talk. Meghan is such a suck-ass. She's also wearing this pair of boots from the movie 1969. Meghan says, "You remember Clay, Amy's boyfriend? Well, former boyfriend, thanks to me," she says with gleeful remorse. That's right, girlie. Take all the credit. Mary looks at Meghan and thinks, "On one hand I'm glad she's learning. On the other, my role as Center of the Universe is being threatened here. I should put a stop to this." Meghan explains that her and Clay have this "like, intense thing" and that even when she was "saying no" everything she did "said yes." Mary looks at Meghan like she's a big slut. Meghan says they didn't do anything. They just kissed twice. Mary seizes her moment and admonishes Meghan, saying that kissing sure isn't "nothing." Buh-nuh-na-na-nah! You can predict the insertion of the Get Real jingle, I swear.
Take this quiz. After which of the following lines is the perfect time to insert the five-note jingle?
- "Do you wanna get some coffee?"
- "I am, like, so totally sure that you're like, so totally over me, I swear."
- "I was just asking if you wanted coffee, that's all. Gah!"
- "So you're, like, just asking me for coffee because we're just friends and, like, that's all?"
- "Of course not. It's because you're beautiful."
- "I knew you weren't over me. I'm so totally too powerful."
If you said "5," give FOX a call. You're ready to start cranking out these pieces of poop.
Meghan is still talking to Mary, so I guess I should record all of the brattiness because otherwise you wouldn't believe me, pity me, or respect me. She explains that she realized what was happening between her and Clay and SHE put a stop to it, but Ferret just keeps acting like Meghan's still kissing him or something, and she won't just get over it and fall out of love with him and back into like with her so that Meghan can date Clay and hang out with Ferret for another episode. Life is so hard for her. She says that after Ferret found out "anyway" she's "acting like this completely different person." "All I want to do is try to fix things with her." Isn't Meghan just like, the best person in the world? Mary says that Ferret may not fix things with her no matter much she really wants to. Ooh, Meghan gives her Ultra-Bratty Glare right then. SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! The Centers of the Universe collide on the Battle of the Martyrs! That's right! See who makes the Ultimate Sacrifice! Is it the Mother who gives up her job to raise her family in the lap of luxury or the Teen who gives up Cute Guy number Seven after mugging down a couple of times so that another girl still respects her? First prize gets an Oompa Loompa. "If Amy doesn't want to forgive you, she's not going to." "Gah! We've been friends since Kindergarten, Mom!" Now it's Mary's fault, you see? The Greens are experts at flinging guilt and blame. You've gotta be quick. Here's where I'd point out that Meghan has other friends, like the oft-ignored Slut Girl, who has been reduced to hanging on Cam's arm, or Lily, who was Meghan's best friend in episode three until her dad died and...oh, no one cares about her. Meghan continues her bratting, "I mean, isn't that worth something? I mean, isn't that worth saving?" Is it, Meghan? Is it? Mary gives a big inhale before approaching Center Jr. with this doozy: "Sometimes, friendships end, and there are no bad guys." (Wait, not yet...) Meghan lowers her head. (Soon!) "I'm the bad guy." (NOW!) Buh-nuh-na-na-nah!
Did you call the five-note jingle? I'm so proud of you.
Meghan is pouting alone on her bed. Mary calls her from downstairs. She says that someone has come to see her. Mary stands at the bottom of the stairs and says, "Meghan, I didn't know you were going to the dance!" She waves her arms a bit, which is weird. "What?" Meghan asks outraged, "I'm not!" as if she hasn't even been asked yet. Six times. By the same guy. She turns the corner and sees (is it Ferret?) Clay standing in her door in some sort of black turtleneck and blazer get-up. He holds, of course, a single, pink rose. Céline Dion calls me up and says, "This scene is so gay." Meghan says to Mary, "I'm not going to the dance. Would you excuse us?" Because Meghan says this with a giggle and threatens to be happy for one moment in her life, Mary gives her the stern "this is how I got pregnant with you" look as she walks off. "At your age," she looks back.
"No," Meghan says before Clay can say a word. But she's smiling, so we all know that means "maybe." Stalker says that they could go just like that. That she doesn't even have to change and that she looks great the way she is. It's totally daylight outside, so I don't know what kind of lame school dance takes place during the day. We continue the no/yes dance for a while, filled with giggles and stuff. Clay says that he heard about what happened, and after what "Amy did," he doesn't understand why she would want to turn him down. Clay buys into the writer's opinion that if Ferret is seen as a big ol' revengin' she-bitch, that we'd want Clay and Meghan to be together. (And judging by the huzzahs from the three Get Real fans on the Mighty Big TV message board, they were right.) Meghan says that she really wants to go out with Clay but she really can't right now. Yes, it still is the same dialogue from four episodes ago. I'm really tired of it. I'm sure you are as well. Clay leaves without so much as a soda-soaked kiss...but he left her the rose, of course. Meghan watches his butt leave as she brings the petals of the flower up to her face. The flower rests on her chin as we fade to white. That sounds like I made it up, but again, I didn't. It was really that clichéd. Un-fucking-believable. This show is written for ten-year-olds. The Teletubbies have more unique plot twists.
Mitch shows up unannounced at the House that Lust Built. I don't know why any Green member would ever think to call, since the rest of the world just waits around hoping to be graced with their presence. Kelly Rutherford looks a bit upset that her last few moments on this show are going to be so lame and so badly lit. Mitch says he's flattered by her offer but he has to turn it down. There isn't even a moment where Laura's face falls -- it's just this quick cut from her all smiling and staring at Mitch to her looking away and completely upset. The sensitive guitar plays as Laura asks why he's dumping her. He licks his lips and says a sentence with the word "tacitly." She answers with a statement using the word "oblique." She says that she is attracted to him but that he's married, so there's no problem. Mitch pulls out the Green Family Weapon and blames the entire problem on her. He says that there is a problem if she's going to keep acting on her attraction. He brings up the hug, the suitcase, the fishcakes. Laura says that she doesn't know what he's talking about. He starts laying into her about how she's making everything worse. She's always acting innocent. She waits for him to speak first. She makes a move and waits for his reaction. She, she, she, she, she. Her fault. Her fault. Hers. He can't be the only person to police the relationship. Laura asks when he's ever said no. She says it only took a second for him to agree to a drink and that he wants to blame everything on her. She says that it isn't a one-way thing and that he'll need to take a little responsibility for their relationship as well. "Well, I'm taking responsibility right now and saying no to your offer," you big doodiehead. Mitch gets up to walk off. Laura says that the person with the biggest problem with this whole "attraction thing" is him. She opens the door for him as she tells him to think about it because it's not all one-way. Mitch looks at her and thinks, "I'd so have her if my wife wasn't the damn Center of the Universe. She's probably got this place bugged. First I have to put up with her all, 'Love our baby! We've got another baby coming because of the one time we had sex this year so now you have to love it!' and then she was all, 'I'm gonna quit my job because I love my new baby that much!' and then she was like, 'Oh, now my baby is dead! Love me! Support me! Hold me!' and now I have to deal with your crap?" Because we've already repeated this conversation three times in this scene alone, there's really nothing more for the two of them to say, even though the background song on loop shows no signs of quitting. Since there's no more, Mitch walks off, Laura glares at the ceiling, and the music trails as Mary walks into the World's Largest Kitchen.
Mary almost doesn't see Elizabeth in the kitchen because she's being swallowed by the product placement on the kitchen table. Remember Apple Computers. Apple. For when you're a meddling, widowed retired character with absolutely no substance given to you by the writers. Just sit behind this and wait for your sex joke, Lady. Mary is fuming because she's supposed to be at that dance in twenty minutes and she's heard nothing from Mitch. She throws some things in a purse and says she can't believe she's being stood up. Hey, Mar? It's a high school dance, okay? You're the chaperone. You're just supposed to walk around and make sure all of the kids leave room for Jesus. Mary tells Elizabeth to tell Mitch not to wait up. "You might want a coat!" Elizabeth yells as Mary slams the door. Close-up on Elizabeth as she thinks, "I have no reason to be on this show anymore. I'm going to ask them to kill me off."
Because the School Without Classes dictates its students' every move, Slut Girl, Cameron, and Meghan sit on a couch in Green Manor watching television while the rest of the world has fun at the dance. Slut Girl says that if they had a V-chip they could order some pay-per-view (?). Meghan says that getting suspended on Monday is going to get her in enough trouble, thank you very much. Oh, God. How many times will she remind them of the sacrifice she's making? Slut Girl is covered in purple eye shadow with black eyeliner. She looks like Lita Ford. Kenny storms into the room and sputters this question: "Can a girl un-invite you to a dance that you have every right to be at [sic]?" He says that they are all students and that this is the last year they will all be at Truman together, so they might as well all enjoy the dance together. Cameron notes that it sounds like Kenny needs a ride. Kenny and the rest of us marvel that Cameron figured something out on his own. I marvel that not one Green kid is ever really grounded when the are supposed to be. For some reason Slut Girl says that crashing a school dance could be cool. Right. That's what all the cool kids do. They say they hate the dance and then they go acting like they aren't interested. Kenny doesn't have any eyebrows. Everyone puts down their pretzels and gets ready to go to the dance.
Okay. Truman High is the richest high school in the land. The dance hall (it can't be a gym, since the floor is this nice checkered tile) is filled with trees and lights. A disco ball hangs from the ceiling. Mylar snowflakes continually fall. The room is lit a dark blue. It looks like Melissa Rivers' wedding, for God's sake. The band that's playing apparently means something to everyone else in the world but me. Planet something-or-other, with Scott Flieshmax or something. Is that the kid from Rushmore? Or is this like how I had no idea you guys knew who Scott Vickaryous was? There are only eight chairs laid out for the party, so I hope no one plans on sitting down. Mary walks through the dance hall with all of the wonder of a schoolgirl. She walks over to the party planner and says that everything looks amazing. "Oh, thanks," she says like she doesn't mean it. She gives Mary her assignment. She's the parking lot monitor. Mary takes this seriously and tries to hold her flashlight like a security guard, but it keeps acting up on her. HA-ha!
Inside, the party is just getting started right. Two Rollerbladers find love in the fake snow. The band that you guys love is kicking it. It's harder to see people in here than that rave episode. "Dream on!" Slut Girl shouts as she runs through the room. I don't know what that means. "Oh, yeah!" Cameron the Kool-Aid guy echoes as he follows her. Meghan doesn't get a chance to smile, however, because she sees Amy staring at her. This is obviously a semi-formal, and I can't believe Meghan would show up without so much as changing her outfit. Kenny is suddenly on Meghan's right, and he sees Kimberly dancing with her sister. They immediately walk over and sit down at the one table at the ball. Kenny walks up and asks Allison if he can talk to Kimberly alone. Allison leaves. Kenny sits down. "All right, listen. Well, obviously not listen...but...read my lips, or something." Kimberly folds her arms at this insulting line of dialogue. "My...my mistake was treating you like...like you were different instead of treating you like, like you. You know, I'm really sorry about that. But..." Cue the Green Family Tradition: "You made a mistake too. You were waiting for me to screw up, to say something stupid. And just so you know there are always good odds I'm gonna say something stupid." What does that mean, she was waiting? How was she waiting? She's DEAF, not psychic. Just so we all know, it's not Kenny's fault he said insulting things to the deaf -- it's that Kimberly didn't stop him using her incredible powers of perception. It's not Mitch's fault that he's flirting with Laura, it's Laura's fault for flirting with him all the time and meaning it. It's not Meghan's fault that she kissed Clay, he kissed her. It's not her fault that Ferret is mad at her, either, because she's tried to apologize over and over, but she just won't forgive her. It's not Mary's fault that she got pregnant when she was Meghan's age, it's that she went to the school dance. And if we remember from last week's episode, it's absolutely no one's fault that the miscarriage happened. Kenny says he's never been invited to a dance before and that he was really nervous with her and that he'd like to start all over again. "Okay," Kimberly says. "You can talk?" he asks her. "I can talk," she says, but without the passion that Wilbur has when he sings it in Charlotte's Web. I imagine that Kenny is now trying to figure out how to get Kimberly to sing "Ba-boom-er-rang-rang-rang." Kimberly says she didn't talk to him before because she thinks she sounds funny (they make her say, "I know I sound funny") and that she was nervous, but not anymore. She asks him to dance. They do.
Mary sits at her post and Mitch tosses a coat on her shoulder. He says that he had to go see Laura. "Oh well, then hell, Mitch, that makes everything okay," Mary snarks. "You were right." Wha? I rewind, because I'm sure I heard that incorrectly. No, Mitch really says, "You were right." Oh, there's a catch coming somewhere, I can smell it. Mitch says it wouldn't have worked out so he turned her down. Mary says she'd like some clarification on what exactly she was right about. What a bitch. "How she was attracted to me," Mitch says, and Mary gives him the "don't tell me the truth, Mitch, Jesus!" look. Mitch isn't done with the truth yet, though. "And I guess on some level, though, I knew that. But what I didn't want to admit was that I was flattered by her attraction and I guess maybe, attracted too, a little." Nice move, Mitchy. Women are from Mars; Men are from Bad Idea Jeans. Mary's sense of Smug comes with a price. Mitch says that he'd never have done anything with Laura and that he's sorry if he made her feel that he would. He says it wasn't fair to Laura, nor to Mary. He's sorry and he'd never do it again. Mary says "there may [sic] have been a time" when she was afraid of losing him to another woman, but "not here, not now." Whatever. We've been watching her glares for months. Mary says that sitting in the parking lot is curing her high school dance nostalgia. Pan up.
That band you guys like is starting another song. Wait! That is the guy from Rushmore on drums, isn't it? That's the most entertainment I've had since looking for my friend as one of the hundreds of extras in the "Rave" episode. Meghan stands alone, not having fun, while watching Ferret stand with a group of girls, not having fun. Meghan swallows and walks over to Ferret. She asks if they can talk. Ferret rolls her eyes and asks to be left alone. "Listen, okay? I understand why you turned me in," Meghan says. "Well, that's real big of ya!" Ferret laughs. Cue the spinny-cam. Meghan gets all self-righteous on Ferret: "I wanted to let you know that I don't care about any of it, okay? It doesn't matter. And as far as I can tell we can either walk around ignoring each other forever or we can try and work it out and I am willing to do that." Isn't she beautiful? "You don't get it, do you?" Ferret asks for the NINTEENTH TIME. "I'm not gonna forgive you, Meghan. I'm not gonna stop hating you." Meghan's hair is confused. This isn't how this conversation is supposed to go. She already made her orders. "And this may sound terrible, but all I want for you is to hurt as much as I do." That's all I've ever wanted, Ferret. It just never seems to happen. Meghan stares at Ferret for a few seconds. Ferret stares back. Meghan stares harder. Her voice quivers as she says, "I'm sorry you've given up on our friendship, but I..." She grits her teeth, so we know she's about to give her the high road. "I can't constantly feel guilty. No. No. Not, not after all this. You, you've clearly made your decision. Now I'm making mine." Meghan gives her bratty self-satisfactory smile and walks away like the Perfect Little Prissy-Bitch that she is. That's right, Amy. SHE'S dumping YOU. It was totally up to Meghan the entire time. She's so DUMPING YOU. So don't you think you got the last word on the Center of the Universe because that shit don't happen. You can't get any shallower than a Green, so don't you even try it, baby.
I hate all of these people.
Meghan walks away as Cameron's Family Magnet draws him over to her side. "What happened?" Cameron asks as he sees Ferret walking off into some synthetic snow. "Man, I just got tired of it," Meghan says like she just offed one of the Heathers. "Me saying I'm sorry. Feeling guilty. So..." she sucks her lip. "It's over." The Center of the Universe has spoken. I guess Ferret will have to transfer schools now. Cameron stands way too close for brotherly concern. The spinny-cam continues. Cameron says he knows how to make her feel better. Hey, now! He says he's going to turn himself in. Meghan grabs his arm and says that he promised. Slut Girl teleports into the scene. He says that maybe he'll get some slack for being honest. Meghan tells him to listen to her and that he'll get expelled. "Think about Mom and Dad -- they'll freak." Cameron says he's sure they'll have a really big party when she gets suspended. He says he doesn't understand her whole Legend of Billie Jean attitude about this whole thing. (He didn't say that, but he should have. That would have been entertaining.) She says that her taking the fall isn't just her doing him a favor. She says she wants one good thing to come out of all of this. Cameron gives her his smile usually reserved only for Alicia, Slut Girl, that girl in the Jungle episode, the girl under the car, Gabby, or Dr. Sedgwick and says that there's no way he's ever going to be able to repay her. Yeah, right. Meghan says she'll think of something. Cameron gives her a sex look. I feel dirty. Slut Girl grabs Cameron's arm and says that she wants one dance "before they canonize the both of you." More fake snow falls from the ceiling. Cameron dances with Slut Girl. Cut to slow dancing. Kenny dances with Kimberly. Meghan stands alone and watches Slut Girl dance with Meghan. Two dancers part and she sees her stalker staring at her in the blue light. Meghan looks down, but he's been watching every breath she took, every step she took. She smiles and walks over to him. Three fake snowflakes stick to her chest. He pulls her into a dance. "I don't know what I'm doing," she giggles in his ear. "Just dancing," he whispers, and I vomit all over my futon. We watch them dance for too long.
Mitch and Mary walk into the dance and are terribly proud of their "Turn the Radio Up" youngest son, their "18 and Life" middle son, and their "Boys Like, Boys Like, Boys Like Me" oldest daughter. "All right," Mary says, "all our kids at a dance. I can die happy." Mitch looks at her and thinks, "That's all it took? Damn, I could have slept with Laura and you would have still died happy? Damn." They then abandon all chaperone duties and begin to dance in the fake snow. Outside hundreds of drunk drivers take their newly-impregnated girlfriends home.
I'm warning you now that the stupidest "plot twist" is coming. You've been warned.
Principal Foreshadowing steps up to Cameron and Slut Girl and says, "Excuse me, Jodie, I'm sorry. Cameron, we've got to talk." Meghan, who is easily fifty feet away in this crowded, noisy room, puts her sensor on "Focus" and beams in their conversation. She teleports over and says that she was the one and that she hot-wired the truck. Principal Foreshadowing says that the keys were found in the truck. Right -- she means she started the truck with the keys. Principal Foreshadowing tells Meghan to "save it," and that one of the kids "had a few things to say after his suspension." He says that Cameron's name "came up." Meghan tries to play the cute card and explain it away, but Cameron grabs her and says that he's got it. Cameron's mouth pops open so he can breathe better. "You're leaving the campus; this is your third strike," Principal Foreshadowing says. "Effective immediately, you're expelled." Cameron's lip quivers. Meghan's lip quivers. Somehow Slut Girl's head has dropped onto Cameron's shoulder. Cameron argues that it was just a prank. Principal Foreshadowing says he can leave now or he can be escorted out. The gospel singers are itching to start singing, but the guitar forces them to just keep "ooh"-ing in the background. "Do you want me to get Mom and Dad?" Meghan asks Cameron. I would think that they'd have to be there for Cameron to get expelled at nine o'clock on a Friday night. At least to sign a form or something. Cameron looks over and sees them having complete bliss and doesn't want to interrupt it. "No," he says, and looks like he's trying not to hurl. "I'll find out soon enough, right?" "I thought choo were getting back on track, Cam," Principal Foreshadowing says just like Gary Oldman playing Drexel. "I had real hopes for you, man." "Yeah, I know," Cam says, like he's been sentenced to death. "Come on," PF says as he starts walking Cameron out the door. Cameron looks around the dance hall at Kenny, at his parents, at Meghan and Slut Girl, like he's never going to see the members of his family again. You know what, Cam? Your ass better be happy you're just getting expelled from your little School Without Classes without a letter or an arrest because I do believe that stealing a vehicle and then destroying school property is a federal offense and you're lucky your ass isn't attending alternative school or juvenile hall. And you're really lucky that you don't have to pay for any of it. So quit your whining. You'll be back in school week anyway. I'm sure the Greens have a better lawyer than Jesse Jackson and even I can see the loophole you're gonna slide right through. Cameron's jaw keeps popping up and down like he's got TMJ. Meghan and Slut Girl try/not try to cry and Meghan instantly drops her head on Clay's shoulder. There, there, Meghan. Only one problem at a time. Merciful end to an episode, and since I'm still alive, I can only assume that the entire thing has made me stronger.
week Cameron cleans out his locker as Mary fights the expulsion. Mitch thinks that Cam needs to learn a lesson. Meghan wears a purple turtleneck. Mitch's little brother Symbolism shows up with a warrant out for his arrest. He needs Mitch's help. And I might just need the help of Wing on this one because I think if I try and recap it, I might just fling myself off my balcony.