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Okay, it's the end. It's over. AND IT'S AN HOUR LONG.
I've never had to recap any show over a half hour. I'm not sure I can handle it. But, since I've been assigned to an hour-long show in the fall, I'd better get used to it. I just hope my new show doesn't reduce me to tears the way this bloody one did.
See. Um. The kids graduate in this episode. And, don't laugh, I wound up not only liking each and every one of these kids (except, of course, for CrAbby, who shall forever exist within my shit bank with a cardboard sign hanging around her neck saying, "I'm a king-sized ASS so please ignore me"), but pretty much also ADORING them. Yes, even Pueblo. I mean, for the most part, Pueblo still irritated me, but even he had a few endearing moments. And the parents. THE PARENTS. God. I think I teared up at least three or four times during this episode, and three of those four times were due to the damn parents!
Excuse me. I have to go call my mother. Right now.
The final show begins in the only way it can. With Morgan and his dad.
"'Dear Morgan,'" says Morgan, reading from a letter, "'It is my pleasure to inform you that you have been admitted to Columbia College for the Fall 2000 semester.'" Morgan turns to his dad. "I wanna know what your outlook on me getting into a college is." "My outlook on it?" says his dad. "WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE DAMN LETTER, DAD?" Morgan shouts. Dad goes on to say that he's really pleased about it, and so is Morgan's mom. He follows this up by pissing on Morgan's parade. "But you do remember that all the stuff that you don't want to read carefully says that this is dependent upon the receipt of your last semester's transcripts and the fact that you get a document that says you graduated." Morgan, who up until this point was existing within his own pretty perfect world, says, "You don't make this very easy." Dad says that it's not going to be easy and that this is a major life step for him. "The minute you go down to Columbia College, you go down to the city, it's not gonna be a Dean Warrens calling me up or a Mr. Harris calling up to piss in my ear. It's gonna be --" "It's gonna be the police," Morgan retorts in his fashion. "Yeah, it's gonna be the police," his father responds. "That's good." Hee.
After the credits, the montage sequence starts, using what I assume is the Senior Beach Bonfire as its backdrop. CrAbby's up first, saying that high school is "amazing." Shocker. CrAbby loves high school? CrAbby loves being a big fish in a little sea? CrAbby loves the fact that she's SOMEONE in high school? No surprises here, people. I can't WAIT until she gets to college and she's not the only moderately attractive dyed-blonde on the premises. Then Pueblo's in a bumper car, telling us that he's having a "blast" in his head right now because school's over. Back at the beach, Roadster's hanging out with Brad and then telling us that life is pretty good and graduating is "crazy". If by "crazy" you mean "actually leaving Saran-Wrap's clingy arms and getting on with your life." We catch a glimpse of Teddy the Tard at the bonfire, looking about as intelligent as a hermit crab. Then we see Allie sort of hanging around on the sand, and then she's telling us that she's here in the world and she's here to "come getcha." "And I'm just like," she says, in an interview on a grassy knoll somewhere, "KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR! LET ME IN!" She illustrates that she's "KNOCKING ON THE FUCKING DOOR" by raising her arm and knocking on the imaginary fucking door.
Anna's down at the bonfire as well, laughing and looking beautiful. "I cannot wait to get out!" she says in an interview. Then Brad and Shanna are in a photo booth, getting their pictures taken while they're kissing, and they're really cute. In an interview, Brad says that four years has been enough. Amen, sister. Seriously. Two years would have been enough of high school for me. Then Shanna's on-camera, saying that it's time for her to move on. "For graduation," says Morgan in an interview, "I know I've talked about this already --" Then he stops himself, shakes his head, makes a "boogedy-boogedy" sound and puts his hand on his face. Hee. I just love Morgan.
"Done with high school," says CrAbby in her car. "It's over." "I just can't believe it's over," says Saran-Wrap. "There's no real end," says Kaytee. "You know, unless I --" and then she strangles herself, indicating that there's no real end except for death. Man. I dig Kaytee the most.
Montage over, we move on to Pueblo's personal segment. Pueblo's saying that there was a whirlwind of problems at the last moment; all small, all petty, and BOOM it just exploded. He and his mother had a huge fight and that was it; he was kicked out of the house. He hasn't talked to his mother for over two weeks, but they're on relatively good terms, primarily because they don't live in the same house anymore. But Pueblo has to return home to discuss the college issue. So, Pueblo comes home for a College Summit with his mother.
Pueblo tries to explain to his mother that the reason he moved out wasn't just because they had a huge fight. "It was because I want to leave," he says. "Not because I don't like living here. I mean, I love Stephanie, and I want to be able to see her, as often as I can. I'm just gonna tell you what I want, and if you can help me, it would make my life wonderful." He loves Stephanie? Just Stephanie? Doesn't he love his mother too? Regardless of what they've gone through -- what a hellish life he's endured due to divorce or whatever -- doesn't he still love his mother? She's his MOTHER. Don't you think she'd like to hear that he loves her too, and not just Stephanie? I mean, if he's requesting that his mother help to make his life "wonderful," would an "I love you" to his mom hurt?
Mama Pueblo goes on to say that Pueblo's dad has proffered up the money for college. They kind of bicker back and forth until Mama says that this money is her money. "Then you keep it," mumbles Pueblo. "I can give you $250 a month," says his mother. Pueblo, looking absolutely forlorn and depressed, his hand entangled in his hair, says, "Mom, if you can give me less than that, then I'll be happy. If you can give me ten dollars a month, I'll be happy. It'll give me some food." "I tell you," says his mother, "$250 a month, that's what you're going to get." "You know what, Mom?" says Pueblo, his voice cracking with emotion. "If you don't want to give me $250 a month, I'm not even asking for five dollars. If you want to give me five dollars, then you're gonna give me five dollars." "Why you be upset?" asks his mother. "Mother, I'm upset for a lot of reasons," he responds, near tears. "I'm upset because I'm afraid of what it is that I'm gonna be doing with my life. Okay? That's why I'm upset."
And I now pass down the edict that Pablo has earned the right to be called by his given name. Anyone who shows so much emotion and pain and confusion while having a conversation with his mother about his future deserves the right to not have a snarky nickname. Yeah, I know he was basically asking his mother for money, but, you know, he's a clueless kid who doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. I'm kinda hoping he gets it together here. Christ, I graduated from The Theatre School at DePaul University and couldn't afford to live in an apartment because I didn't have a damn job, and I had to move home to live with my parents for eight months while I did temp work, and then I got a job and finally could afford to move into my own place. Being clueless isn't a crime. It sucks and all, but it isn't a crime. "Pueblo" will now be known as "Pablo." End of story.
Morgan's Mansion. Morgan and his buddy Gus are going through the yearbook and picking out betties they had crushes on during high school. "It just seems that, like, whenever something approaches," says Morgan in an interview, "trouble, like, occurs." Morgan would rather go through life living life and suffering the consequences, than just going through life being bored and living someone else's life. He wants everyone to know who he is. Morgan Moss: Intrepid High-School Diarist. Morgan's bud gets off Morgan's bed, because this going-through-the-yearbook thing is depressing him because he still wants to be a kid. Morgan says that he should just be a kid. "I'm never not a kid," says Morgan, employing a useful double negative.
Down in the Morgan Mansion kitchen, Morgan's pop is sitting at the kitchen table, talking about how he thinks this "graduation" thing is really going to happen. Provided that Morgan actually shows up for the rehearsal and the actual graduation ceremony and picks up his diploma. His mother pipes up and says that Morgan did a phenomenal job, and that "if you throw down the gauntlet to a kid like that he'll jump higher than you can expect him to." Back in Morgan's room, Morgan places one of his hamsters in his mouth. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps to test the Richard Gere theory that if you swallow a hamster, it might very well wind up in your ass. At least Morgan's not shoving the aforementioned hamster directly up his ass. Thank heaven for small favors.
Hallowed Halls of Highland Park High School. The Sunshine Lady informs us that the seniors have one more day of high school. God. Why are they even there? I'd be at the local Burger King ingesting deep-fried goodness if I were them.
Allie sticks her studded tongue out at the camera, and we're on to her personal segment. She says that high school has been a huge passage for her. Then, before we know it, we're on to Shanna's personal segment. She tells us that these past few weeks, it's all coming to an end. Then we're on to Tiffany's personal segment. Or, should I say, Tiffany's "let's wrap this up and re-introduce everyone to various characters of the show because they're graduating" segment. Look, I realize they've got a hell of a lot of kids to get through here but, you know, they've got AN HOUR. Try not to condense these kids into a beauty shot and a single sentence, you know? Tiffany says she's made a lot of mistakes and that she doesn't regret any of them.
Then we're back to Pablo, who's telling the camera that he doesn't even know why he came to class that day; that he probably just did it for sentimental value. And now to CrAbby, who is very excited and says that high school is now history and she's now going to college. On to Anna, who tells us that today is the last day of school but it hasn't really hit her yet.
The kids walk through the halls with their yearbooks, looking for people to sign them. Roadster and Saran-Wrap walk through the parking lot, talking about graduation. "I think Robby's and my relationship is probably one of the most mature, like, relationships in the high school," she says, as an arty montage of pictures of the two of them plays across the screen. She goes on to say how there's two of them but how they're one but they're still two and how he's going to go off to college and be one and she's going to be back at the high school being one and GOD! Shut up, Saran-Wrap! You don't have a "mature" relationship! You have a HIGH-SCHOOL relationship! It's not all that special. And I hope you realize that now. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that you DO realize that now. There's no such thing as a "mature" high-school relationship. And we don't need a judge's ruling on this. You're not mature enough in high school to deal with rent, responsibility, 401Ks, health insurance, or mortgages. You're only mature enough to deal with getting into college. That's it. Everything else comes later. So the idea of having a "mature" relationship in high school is pretty much a figment of your imagination. Deal.
And then we're on to the "drama" portion of the show, wherein Roadster and Saran-Wrap basically put on a skit that involves them talking about the future. As students and audience members gather for the performance, Saran talks about how she's been through a lot of shit in her life, and that as much as she wants to believe that it was all Robby who magically made her this person, she has just begun to realize that she did that for herself. "It was my thoughts and my actions that made me who I am today," says Saran-Wrap.
And here's the part where "Saran-Wrap" will now be referred to as "Sarah." Because, quite frankly, it was her portrayal as the clingy, whiny, girlfriend that prompted me to refer to her as "Saran-Wrap." And now that she's finally realized that Robby isn't the end-all be-all of human existence, she deserves to be called by her proper name. I warned you that I was going to wind up loving each and every one of these goddamn kids, didn't I?
So, Robby and Sarah perform this little skit that I will absolutely NOT put down in print. It's not terrible. It's not incredible. It's high school. In a VO, Roadster talks about how Sarah has grown up and how she was raised with a lot of love from her mother and a lot of bad shit from her father and how she has some sadness there. Roadster goes on to talk about how kids with problems often grow up to have problems in their adult lives, but that Sarah isn't going to be that kind of person. "I have faith that she's gonna grow up and she's gonna prove the cycle of life wrong and not continue this repeated cycle like most people continue," he says in an interview. "She's gonna fight it. Be strong."