Pilot

S01E01

Fade to white at dinner. More shots of Laker Girl Boob. Janice/Jennifer comes in and flashes her digitally covered breasts at the table. She gives long monologue about how these are real-life breasts that have given him two children. Niko continues to eat in her silicon bliss. Kenny is disappointed in the first real boobs he sees. Grandma breaks the pause with "Gravity sucks." So does this show.

The television in the television tells us that kidney girl got a donor, since we were all so worried. Mitch and Mary have a tearful discussion about how they never do anything romantic together anymore. Mitch makes a piggy comment about how his best friend comes before her. Kenny and Meghan share a silent moment together on the stairs. She pushes back her hair to show that she's worried about her parents.

Cut to the day. The builders want more money. Mary is still mad.

Cut to school. Cameron skates past Kenny and tells him his hand hurts. Kenny pages Girl of Dreams and talks to her on his cell phone. She's interested and they make plans for lunch. No place, time or date, but definite lunch. She tucks her hair back too, but it's because she's happy. Kenny shows his back covered in sweat.

Mitch loses his contract. I'd care if I knew what it was about.

Kenny spots Frank. He's got a broken nose. Kenny realizes that Cameron punched Frank. Since these kids never leave each other's sides, Meghan overhears Kenny and stares at nearby Cameron in mixed gratitude and disgust as Everlast starts playing in the background because these kids "know what it's really like." Girl of Dreams walks past Kenny and into -- you guessed it -- Cameron's arms. They make out. Worlds crumble. "Why can't I just disappear off the face of the earth like Alicia Silverstone?" Kenny think-says, and I can hear the perfumed stationery of girls around the country prepare for the hate mail of a lifetime. Then he insults my intelligence again by making a www.loser.com joke. Fuck off. Fade to commercial break.

White fade into Kenny happy that Cameron's car is broken. "Payback, like Linda Tripp, is a bitch," he says, forgetting the level of intelligence he'd been playing to He kicks the jack from under the car and kills him. It's just a dream, silly. At dinner there's a toast about Meghan's valedictorian nomination. She stands up and thanks everyone and then drops the bomb. She turned Berkeley down. "Are you gay?" asks Grandma. "Because you turned that nice boy down and you have that poster of the two lesbians --" In case we forgot the earlier joke. Plus, if she was gay, wouldn't Berkeley be a nice place for her to go? Besides which, who turns down college because she is gay? Cameron is so mad he has to leave the table in a crazy "I hate everyone" way. "I'm still the same girl you loved two minutes ago," Meghan begins. "How can you do this to me?" Mary asks. "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me." I reminisce about how good a movie Some Kind of Wonderful was. Meghan calls Mitch "Daddy" and everyone starts listening to her. Mom interrupts in typical mean-My-So-Called-Mom sort of way and Meghan flips out and screams, "Maybe you're the one that should just go!" I wish Judd Nelson was there to start clapping. Mary picks a fight with Mitch about him being a cheapskate and happy that Meghan's decision will save them money. Cameron speeds off in car with Kenny's Girl of Dreams. We watch him drive recklessly for a few seconds. Mitch sips a shot glass of Coca-Cola. Mary enters with a mean blue light on her face. Mitch says this is all her fault. She says she's the only one involved in her kid's lives. They bring up Mary's shotgun wedding once a-friggin-gain.