Okay, so, after the little mini-recap showing Mouth in the kitchen with the cucumber, Kaytee wearing bizarro white lipstick while singing joyously in the band, and Robby "whole lotta lovin'," we're confronted once again, with the white-on-black Blair Witch-ian credits and then suddenly we're in Morgan the Mouth's room
and the camera's careening around because Mouth's a spaz, and Mouth's mum is saying, "Shut that thing off! Right now!" and Mouth's saying, "Can I just film my diary entry?" To which his mother responds, "Clean this room up. RIGHT NOW!" Mouth responds by carrying his video camera down to the kitchen to film his father smoking a cigarette at the kitchen table. (While I won't be dining at Kiwi's "Kitchen of Kool Kuts" anytime soon, remind me also to abstain from dining at Mouth's house as well.) Mouth says, "I'm cleaning my room." His father glares at him and launches into what very well might be his golden shining parental moment: "That's not gonna do anything for me," says Mouth's dad. "If you were a decent student, I wouldn't care if you lived in a pigsty. But you're a lousy student and you live in a pigsty. And you have rotten manners and you have no respect. You are an absolutely obnoxious kid and everything that's good about you only surfaces with people outside this house and people you want to impress." Mouth's troll-like younger brother Duncan then flips Mouth the finger and attempts to scurry off to a swamp somewhere as Mouth's oh-so-supportive father physically launches himself at Mouth and his camera and yells, "Get out of here!" and Mouth flings himself up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him so he can be alone with his thoughts. Which, as it turns out, are somewhere along the lines of "Like I said, my mom and dad are real pricks."
And we're in the American High car, driving down the Highland Park street toward our introduction
In what has become the signature lead-in, a brief selection of students spit out singular all-encompassing sentences that give us an idea of what the show is going to be all about. Mouth says, "I'm a front." Sarah says, "I'm so not what people think." Robby says, "Growing up is figuring out who you are." Brad gives us a mouthful of "Why am I here? What is the purpose of life? It would be really hard to come up with an answer. Really hard." Thanks, David Foster Wallace, Jr. Then Kaytee wraps it all up with "Am I different or am I just saying I'm different?" Both, K-girl. Both.
Then Kaytee appears to be getting interviewed at the DMV, because she's sitting in front of this huge blue curtain and she's saying how she hooked up with a bunch of weird kids and by default became weird herself. Isn't that always the way? You're never actually just weird -- it's everyone else who's freaky. Really. So Kaytee says that she started listening to Nirvana and worshipping Kurt Cobain, which made her want to pick up a guitar and learn how to play. I'm thinking that it's fortunate our little Kaytee picked up that particular instrument instead of the other instrument Kurt was fond of, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.
Kaytee's so dedicated to her instrument of choice that she apparently carries it everywhere so she can break into improvisational sing-song at any given moment. Which she's doing right now IN THE MIDDLE OF SOME HALLWAY AT SCHOOL. Gah. She's surrounded by some kids who are, I'm assuming, other musicians, because some of them are scribbling on sheet music. Or maybe they're just Kaytee's worshipping fans and this is their notepaper of choice. So Kaytee's strumming away, and she's not all that bad, and several little girls gaze at her adoringly. Hey, every self-taught female singer/guitarist with funky glasses needs her own proto-lesbian fan base.
Back at the DMV, Kaytee's saying, "My songs are mostly about what's around me. I think right now I'm really into trying to figure out who I am. Which is really cheesy, but" And this is where I jump firmly onto the Kaytee Fan Bus and wave good-bye, because she says that "who I am" line in this completely goofy voice which suggests that Kaytee realizes how lame she sounds, but she's still trying to figure it all out anyway, and I dig her for that.
Then Mouth is skitching along in some stairwell and he suddenly stops and says, "S**t. Gotta go to detention." As he enters the designated detention classroom, we hear him say in a voice-over, "Who am I? Most people perceive me as sort of the class clown, which is truemy whole personality is a front. One minute I'll want to save the world and the I'll want to destroy it." Kinda like "Dr. No" or "Lex Luthor," right?
In detention, Mouth's gettin' mouthy with some chubster female cop/security guard/mall officer. Wow. Highland Park High School must be much more violent than I remember. When I was there for a football game back in high school, the most violent act I recall witnessing was when some helmet-head pantsed a tuba player at half time.
So Mouth says to Sergeant Sausage, "Did you go to prom?" Which actually makes me laugh out loud, because it's sooooo obvious that the only way Detective Doughnut would have attended any prom, anywhere, would have been as a limo driver. (Wait a minuteI didn't go to prom eitherdammitwhere's that high-school security guard applicationand someone pass the bacon.) Officer Oatmeal snaps at Mouth, "No, I didn't go to prom. But I'm gonna tell you one thing: if I had some duct tape, I'd be duct-taping your mouth." Um. What the hell does duct tape have to do with prom? Is that the only way Security Specialist Spam could get a date for the prom -- by abducting some hapless weakling and duct-taping him into submission? I shudder at the mental image
Anyway, we're now in Mouth's kitchen, and his "I'm-all-here-for-you-son-but-NOT" parental father-type is after him about something or other, and it's not until Mouth goes to some cabinet and takes out a scrip bottle that we find out that Mouth has ADD, and miraculously, many of Mouth's faults just fly out the window on little butterfly wings. Sort of.
So Mouth's proud papa drives him to the doctor (or the therapist -- I can't actually divine which type of practitioner they're going to see). But when Daddy gets out of the car, Mouth stays put and won't get out. "I don't wanna go," he says. His papa calls him a "baby" and, even though Mouth must be a real handful of a kid, I can't help but feel kind of bad for him. I also can't help wanting to rip the antenna off Daddy-o's minivan and poke him in the eyeball with it.
In the doctor's office, some gargoyle creature from an alternate universe is jabbing Mouth in the arm with a needle, ostensibly to draw blood, but I'm pretty much thinking she's gonna drink that later. Mouth then slouches in a chair, talking to his doctor, and they discuss all the drugs that Mouth's been on, including such favorites as Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Zoloft. I'd cry right now if I weren't such an evil bitch.
up, we have to endure a slapdash montage of the kids getting ready for school, and then Robby is being driven around by his friend Brad, the "Super-Out Gay Teen." As Robby and Brad discuss the reality of God in present-day America (gulp), we hear Robby in a voice-over telling us that he and Brad became really close during junior year because they have other shit on their minds. Well, actually, Robby said "s**t," but that's what he meant. In an interview, Brad says that Robby's awesome and that he's been there since day one. I'm assuming Brad means that Robby's been there for him since day one and not that Robby's just been, like, over at his house since day one.
Looks like we're up for Brad's first solo segment now. Brad's saying that freshman year was when he first realized that he was gay, but that he didn't tell anyone and it tore him apart. Then Robby's being interviewed about Brad coming out to him and how in the split second that he, Robby, didn't respond, Brad's eyes were, like, totally lost. ("He looks weird," says Hank4. "I can't put my finger on itI've got it! He's got this scraggly-ass beard but no moustache. He looks unfinished.") Then Robby literally makes my jaw drop to the floor with his response. "You know what Brad? That's cool. You know, I still love you." Okay, did Robby just jump about four billion steps on my cool scale or what? Yeah, he's got a vapid, Saran-Wrappy girlfriend (oooohjust thought of a nickname for Sarah), but he's definitely got potential.
Brad and Saran-Wrap are sitting somewhere at the high school, and we hear Brad say, "I'm still trying to figure out what being gay and being a teenager is all about." ("Swing Out Sister," says Wendy. "I could barely figure out what being gay and being a college student was all about.") We then see Brad and Robby sitting in what I assume is Brad's room, since there aren't any animal-print sheets in evidence. Oh, and Saran-Wrap isn't Velcroed to the bed with her permanent pout.
So, they're studying and Robby says, "Sarah thinks that you want me." Brad turns eighteen shades of sunset and responds, "Great. That's just what I need." And then he says something that makes my eyebrows permanently rise: "Why would she care?" Okay, Brad? That pretty much tells me right there that you do want Robby in the baddest way possible. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Brad then says that he wishes he had other gay friends because he feels like he's "missing so much." And, truthfully, he probably is. It's hard enough being a straight teenager in this day and age, ya know? ("Hallelujah," says Wendy, lighting another Benson & Hedges Ultra 100.) Then Robby and Brad are lounging around on Brad's bed (more points for the Robster!), filming themselves (no, not THAT kind of film), and Robby says, "You wanna see Brad get horny?" and then Robby leans down, and I think -- I'm not sure, but I think -- Robby gives Brad a belly-fart, but it's sorta like a mock blow-job, and then Brad pushes Robby off the bed as Robby shouts out, "Brad has a boner!" And before we can witness evidence to the contrary, we go to commercial.
After a preview of the new Fox series Dark Angel (snicker snicker), we return to American High and their usual "kids being kids" intro montage, this time with Mouth as the primary subject.