Kudos and crescendos to my partner-in-crime, Henry the Fourth (a.k.a. Hank4), for his hilarious input during our viewing. And extra snaps to my reporter-in-the-field, Wendy Kroy, whose extra-super-bitchy-gay-man commentary kept me in stitches far after the premiere had ended. I'd like to state for the record that this initial recap might come off as slightly meaner than need be, but the second episode recap promises to be much kinder and gentler, as most of these kids actually turned out to be likable.
Oh, to be young and in love and in high school...and in detention and in a gay alliance group and in a coffeehouse pimping your demo tapes...
After the requisite annoying Fox TV lead-in, the screen goes black and slowly, plain white typeface appears (kind of like The Blair Witch Project, but not because nobody disappears or dies in the end, unfortunately):
This past year, two camera crews followed fourteen students at a high school just outside of Chicago. The students were also given cameras, and kept video diaries of their lives. These are their stories.
The picture switches to some pimply kid in a Korn t-shirt, sitting at a drum kit and playing lousy beats. I'm already predisposed to hate this kid simply due to his choice of band-worship, but when he opens up mouth, I'm ready to slug him. He launches into a mini-tirade that really must be repeated verbatim to truly appreciate its beauty. (Note: all expletives spoken by the characters will be "bleeped" as they are in the actual show -- it's funnier that way, the really good swearing can be reserved for me, and I get to play a lot with my asterisk button.)
The kid (whom we later learn is named Morgan, but I shall henceforth refer to him as Mouth) is sitting in front of a video camera, apparently filming one of his video diaries. He's very angry and animated. He's ugly too. "These are the years that you're supposed to go f*****g wild!" he says. At this point, the scene shifts quickly to what I'm assuming is Mouth's mother as she screams down the stairs into the basement, "CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!" because Mouth's drumming is either atrocious or too flippin' loud or both, and then we switch back to the video diary view. "Not have to suffer any consequences," Mouth is spewing. "Have unprotected sex. Go do drugs. Smoke cigarettes. Drink alcohol." We switch to Mouth's mom again as she storms down the basement stairs and slams the door with a resounding thud. You go, mamacita!
Before I can perform a singular "wave" action in honor of Mouth's mum, Mouth is back again on the screen. "Watch porno," he says, his hands opening up and his fingers waggling at the screen. "Rent porno movies. Get porno magazines. Porno porno porno."
We then see a kid who greatly resembles a young spider monkey, sitting on a sofa and sucking on a helium balloon. He manages to squeak out, "Hello my name is Robby," and Robby's personal segment is on its way.
As various pictures of Robby in a wide array of sporto-gear flash across the screen, Robby himself gives a voice-over commentary about how, on the outside, he's captain of lacrosse and soccer and how he's probably perceived as a jock, but on the inside he's "gotta lotta love flowing through me." Ew. We're then riding shotgun with Robby as he drives to school and wonders out loud, "Know how many times I've, like, been down this street? I was just thinking about it the other day. Probably, like, a million or something." Way to go deep and long, Robert. The camera then performs a sort of drive-by outside Highland Park High School, and then we're in a classroom where some discussion of an unmentioned book is going on. Robby has apparently been asked to give his assessment of what the chosen book's central meaning is. Robby responds, "Sex in jail is crazy." All his buds laugh. "That's what I learned from that book," says Robby. "Watch your rear end if you're in jail." What in the hell book are they reading anyway? The Shawshank Redemption? The Making of the HBO Drama "Oz"?
We quickly cut to a close-up of some girl's butt as Robby reaches out for it from behind his video camera. Let's meet "Sarah," Robby's long-suffering girlfriend, shall we?
Robby talks about his relationship with Suffering Sarah as adorable pictures of them spill across the screen. Robby says that they have a crazy relationship and that they've been involved for two years (craaaazy!), and that he's definitely in love with her but that your first love is just "killer." Yes. Yes, it is, Monkey Boy.
And then Sarah's standing outside somewhere talking to some creepy-looking hippie-ish teacher guy. Or maybe he's just a homeless drunk or something that wandered onto the campus, because he's clutching some little bottle and I can't tell if it's water or vodka or lighter fluid. So we start listening in on their conversation, and I realize that this guy's a total nutter. He says to Sarah, "I heard you were going out with Robby again." Sarah sort of reluctantly says "yeah" and looks away, as if searching for an immediate exit. And then Mr. Spanky says, "Yeah, I saw Robby in the bathroom today and I said, 'So, you seeing anything of that redhead?' And he said, 'Yeah'." Hello? Does anyone else find this scary? What kind of teacher (if that is indeed what he is) confronts students about their love lives at all, let alone in the bloody bathroom? What, is he in there just lurking, waiting for some unsuspecting kid with an actual social life to enter so he can start grilling them about their dating status? Who IS this freako? Anyway, Sarah just laughs the laugh of the seriously afraid and says, "Oh, yeah, well, we got into a fight this weekend." Mr. Spank-o-rama looks all concerned and says, "Oh, really? Over serious stuff?" And Sarah freakin' ANSWERS him! I just thank Christ I didn't go to HPHS -- I'd have to tell Seor Spankster that no, I wasn't seeing anyone and that yes, I did believe that Simon Le Bon and I were simply made for each other.
We're now in another room of the house -- I'm not sure where. All I know is that Mouth is sporting a humongous furry tiger suit, complete with ears. I'm trying to determine whether Mouth has a side job handing out Kellogg's Corn Flakes on street corners when I hear another voice speak off-camera. "You look like Tigger," a distinctively older male voice says. This has to be Mouth's father. And up until this point, I'd decided that Mouth had sprung fully formed from a pool of Puck's Real World expectoration. Mouth tries to talk up the tiger suit, saying it kicks ass and that everybody loves it. No, Mouth, everybody doesn't love it. Everybody loves that you wear it, because they certainly never would, and they get massive giggle-attacks watching a spastic doofus like you walk around sporting it. Mouth's dad then tries to get him to commit to family pizza night, but Mouth'll have none of that and instead would rather drive around with his buddies whilst wearing the lame-o tiger suit.
As Mouth tools around in his dad's car, we hear him talking about his level of maturity. "So many people say I'm immature," he says. "'How old are you' and s**t like that." Mouth's then on a sofa, talking. "I'm gonna be a kid for as long as I f*****g can." ("Yes," says Hank4. "The world needs immature ditchdiggers too, Mouth.") We then see a couple of kids in a public park or something, setting off fireworks. They walk through alleyways lighting firecrackers and tossing them, and I think we even see Mouth setting himself on fire, which leads me to believe that either he's spontaneously combustible or irretrievably stupid. Mouth speaks again in voice-over: "I'm looking for thrills in life. I figure you only live once and who gives a f**k. You suffer the consequences. You blow your arm off, you realize okay, now I only have one arm, I realize not to do that again." Realize what, Mouth? You realize not to blow your other arm off, or you realize not to reattach the old arm and blow IT off again? I think I've just changed my mind. The "blow your arm off" line is definitely my favorite line so far. As the boys continue burning fireworks, we hear police sirens, and right before commercial we see Mouth being questioned by the cops. "Oh, no, officer," he says, "we're good kids. We're just getting rid of these." Good strategy, Mouthy. Cops aaaallllways fall for that one.
After a commercial break that contains a preview for quite possibly the worst movie ever made, Coyote Ugly, and some new website called "Bolt" which sort of looks like "American High" but somehow not, we launch into some kind of "we're at school" locker-closing montage. Then we see a "sporto" montage involving Robby playing lacrosse and some geeky band members. And then it's Kickin' Kiwi's turn for super-stardom.