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First of all, remember last week when Jon Snow and crew climbed the Wall? They still haven't reached Castle Black, so there's still more walking. This gives Ygritte plenty of time to mock Jon Snow for knowing about things like roads and buildings and also tell him a few more times that he knows nothing. It also lets Orell confess his love for her, which I view as a blatant attempt to get more screen time by trying to create a love triangle.
Robb Stark is still on his way to marry Edmure Tully off to Walder Frey's daughter. They're going to be a day late because of rain, and also because Robb and Talisa keep having so much sex. Oh, and Talisa's pregnant.
Sansa is not at all happy about having to marry Tyrion, because this doesn't match up with her dreams of romance at all. Margaery Tyrell has to explain to her that her child could end up as Lord of Casterly Rock and Winterfell, and also that there are worse Lannisters to be engaged to. Like Joffrey, for example, and you don't see Margaery complaining. And speaking of Joffrey, Tywin gives him a lecture about minding his own business and doing what his counselors tell him. It's pretty bad-ass, except that Joffrey might be right to be concerned about Daenerys's dragons.
The people who have to deal with Daenerys face-to-face are certainly taking her seriously. She finally arrives at Yunkai, which is another walled city with two hundred thousand slaves. They offer to give her lots of gold and ships if she'll just leave them alone, but she's gotten into the habit of destroying cities if they doen't free their slaves. But she'll keep the gold, because she's not crazy.
Jaime leaves Harrenhal for King's Landing. But he develops a conscience and goes back for Brienne. And it's a good thing he does, because she's being forced to fight a bear. And she's only got a wooden sword. So naturally, Jaime jumps down in the pit to defend her. And then it's a good thing someone shoots the bear with a crossbow, because Jaime doesn't even have a wooden sword to defend himself.
Oh, and Theon is still being tortured. This time, two sexy ladies rub up against him, and then he gets his genitals cut off. Or mutilated or something, I don't know.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The credits once again contain King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, the Wall and Yunkai. My excitement for learning what Yunkai is like has reached a fever pitch! This is its third appearance in the credits and no one's even been there yet. Oh, what wonders must Yunkai hold?
There's an eagle in the sky, which must mean we're checking in on Jon Snow. I like having Orell around because his eagle helps set the scene. Also because Mackenzie Crook has an interesting face. Tormund and the rest of the crew walk through green grass. I guess all the snow was on the other side of the Wall. It's so big that it can hold back the weather! Jon tells Ygritte he thinks they're about a week away from Castle Black, but he's guessing, since he got to use a road last time. Ygritte mocks this, of course: "You and your roads." Now she hates roads? You should try them sometime, sister. They're great! She also mocks the idea of an army that includes men carrying banners or playing drums, considering they can't fight. Jon explains that the drumbeats help the men march in time, and she mocks that too. I'm getting pretty sick of her attitude. Every other sentence is small-minded mockery. And I am aware of the irony involved in pointing that out in the middle of a snarky recap where I'm doing the same thing, so you needn't point it out. Ygritte says that when they hit Castle Black, they won't be banging drums to announce their arrival. Jon reminds her that Mance is going to "light the biggest fire the north has ever seen" to announce their arrival and she tells him he knows nothing. Orell comes up behind Jon and agrees with that sentiment. Jon takes the opportunity to confront Orell about cutting him and Ygritte loose on the climb. Orell points out that Ygritte isn't sulking about it, so Jon should get over it. He explains his thesis to Jon: "People work together when it suits them." And that goes for loving and killing each other, too. Ygritte knows that, but Jon doesn't. So he'll never hold on to her. This seems like wishful thinking on Orell's part, to me.
I'm not sure where Jon and the rest of them are now. They're south of the Wall, unless that was a completely different incredibly tall sheet of ice they climbed last week. But they're still a week from Castle Black, which is supposed be on the Wall itself. So they appear to have climbed over it with the intention of approaching the castle from the south. But then shouldn't they just be walking to the Wall itself?
Robb's crowd is in a tent and it's raining pretty hard outside. It's also raining pretty hard where I am, so I appreciate the realism of this scene. Talisa is gently drying off Robb's head, which is a little weird since he's talking to his advisors at the same time. I feel it undercuts his dignity. They're going to be a day late in getting to the Freys because of all the rain. Catelyn is worried that Walder Frey will take this as an insult, since that's the way he takes everything. The Blackfish says Walder Frey is lower than wet shit. He apologizes to Talisa, who points out that as someone who's been doing a lot of battlefield medicine, she's seen plenty of things worse than wet shit. Edmure thinks Walder is getting the wedding he wants, so he shouldn't have anything to complain about. He's still sulking about having to get married. Catelyn reminds Robb that Walder isn't getting the wedding he really wanted. She's hung up on that. Robb and Talisa start making out as everyone else leaves.
Sex scene! Or post-coital scene, anyway. Robb and Talisa seem to have enjoyed themselves, since they're lying there naked and exhausted. Robb gets up so we can see his sweaty torso and naked butt. Talisa also shows off her butt, but she stays in bed. Robb looks at his war table and muses. Since we don't get a good look at how the armies are set up, I will instead observe that there are a lot of candles in here. And their flames are remarkably steady, considering that they're in a tent in a raging rainstorm. Talisa starts to write a letter to her mother, and we see that it's some kind of crazy moon-language. So that's what Valyrian looks like. Somebody alert the tattoo artists! Robb says to say hello for him. It's all very domestic. He asks if she's told her mother she's a queen yet. She hasn't, so it'll be a surprise. "Many surprises for her," she adds, slyly. This clearly means she's pregnant, but Robb doesn't notice. She asks if she'll come with her to Volantis (where she's from) once he's properly kinged: "I know she'd love to meet you. And her grandchild." It eventually sinks in. Robb says a surprisingly modern, "What, now?" Talisa gets explicit: "I have your little prince or princess inside me." She asks if he can leave the war for one night. He says he loves her, which doesn't really answer the question. But I think we can assume they'll be having sex all night long. It's good to be the King... no matter how many other kings there are around the place. Balon Greyjoy is probably having a great time this whole season. I bet you forgot he's the King of the Iron Islands, didn't you?
Back South of the Wall. Tormund tells Jon his theories about lovemaking. It involves the phrases "wet as a baby seal" and "don't jam it in like you're spearing a pig." Great. Even Ygritte didn't enjoy hearing that, and normally she loves anything that makes Jon uncomfortable.
Orell walks with Ygritte. He thinks she shouldn't be with Jon. "Of course I'm jealous." She says he's never had a kind word for her, but he says he'd call her beautiful, fierce, and wild if she were his. [Note: Plus, he's Assistant to the Regional Manager! -- Rachel.] He asks if she loves him. She nods. Orell thinks it's because he's pretty. He warns, "You won't love him so much when you find out what he really is." Well, she already thinks he's loyal to the Night's Watch rather than Mance Rayder, so I don't know what else is really going to shock her.
King's Landing. Sansa is moping, as usual. She complains to Margaery that she spent her whole childhood hating Winterfell and wishing she was at King's Landing so she could see knights in painted armor. She was also very fond of the concept of "King's Landing after dark," which sounds like a great name for a Talking Dead-style chat show. And now that King's Landing has not provided all the glamour and romance of which she dreamed? Sansa admits, "I'm stupid. Stupid little girl with stupid dreams who never learns." I'm not saying she's wrong, exactly, but there's always time to start over. She could get some non-stupid dreams and try following them!
Margaery takes her for a walk. She says she wants Sansa to be happy. And so does Olenna. They think Sansa would have been happy in Highgarden, but she must make the best of her circumstances. So let's think this through. Margaery asks if Tyrion has mistreated her. No, he hasn't. Has he been kind? Sansa concedes that he's tried, but she doesn't want him because he's a Lannister. I can't tell you how happy I am that that's the only reason she gives. Margaery points out that he's far from the worst Lannister, which makes Sansa realize that Margaery will be marrying Joffrey without complaint. Margaery is sanguine about her prospects: "My son will be King. Sons learn from their mothers. I plan to teach mine a great deal." Note that she thinks at least one step ahead of Cersei, who was happy to have her son be king but doesn't seem to have molded him very well at all. Margaery isn't even married yet, and already she's deciding how she's going to raise her son. And she points out that a son of Sansa Stark and Tyrion Lannister might be the lord of Casterly Rock AND the North. The mention of a child makes Sansa realize she will be expected to have sex with Tyrion. It's not the pain she's scared of, since Joffrey has gotten her used to pain. Margaery asks what the problem could possibly be, since she thinks that Tyrion's attractive, especially with the scar. I agree! Peter Dinklage is a good-looking dude. Sansa finally says, "He's a dwarf." Margaery says women like all sorts of men, including tall, short, hairy, bald, gentle, rough, ugly and pretty. And she adds "pretty girls" at the end while smiling at Sansa in a way calculated to launch a thousand fanfics. She thinks women usually don't know what they want until they try several things out, which presents a problem in a world where women get assigned to one man early on. She adds that Tyrion is said to be very experienced, which can be useful since "we're very complicated, you know. Pleasing us takes practice." Sansa asks if her mother taught her all this. Margaery stares at her and decides to answer, "Yes, sweet girl. My mother taught me." That's easier than Margaery having to explain to Sansa the concept of having sex with a lot of different people to find out what you like.
Meanwhile, Tyrion is complaining to Bronn about how he's being forced to marry a child. He insists that he's never had sex with anyone as young as Sansa, although Bronn doesn't entirely believe him. Bronn thinks that since Tyrion is a Lord and Sansa is a beautiful Lady, everything should be fine. It certainly looks good on paper. Tyrion's real concern is that Shae won't like him getting married. Bronn reminds him that Shae's a whore, and he's probably not marrying her anytime soon. Things went poorly the last time he married one of those. Bronn will be taking the role of Pragmatic Advisor in this scene, so try to imagine him as Margaery Tyrell as he tells Tyrion, "Wed one and bed the other." He figures that Tyrion just needs to get Sansa pregnant and then he can rule the North in the name of Sansa's son. Simple, right? "You'll have two women and a whole kingdom of your own." Tyrion hates this plan, and Bronn branches out into giving general life advice: "You waste time trying to get people to love you, you'll end up the most popular dead man in town." I guess that's true, but Margaery Tyrell invested some time in getting the populace to like her, and she's doing pretty well with that. Bronn's diagnosis is that Tyrion wants to fuck Sansa but doesn't want to admit it. I expect he's partly right, but I also think Tyrion doesn't want to rape her. I hope so, anyway.
Tywin walks into the throne room, where Joffrey is on the Iron Throne. Oh, here we go. Joffrey isn't doing anything; he's just hanging out in his pointy chair. He's summoned Tywin to get a report on the meetings of his Small Council. That's not unreasonable. It's nice to see him taking an interest. Tywin encourages Joffrey to attend the meetings himself, and Joffrey claims to be busy. Tywin just says, "Of course." I wonder if he knows that Joffrey has been shooting crossbow bolts into prostitutes. Joffrey observes that the meetings have been in the Tower of the Hand, which Tywin explains as being closer to where he works than the Small Council Chamber. I remember that Tyrion thought it was an improvement over the meeting room. Joffrey, with the air of someone making a grand rhetorical point, says, "So if I wanted to attend a council meeting, I would now have to climb all the stairs in the Tower of the Hand." Tywin sighs. Then he climbs the steps up to the Iron Throne so he can loom over Joffrey. Joffrey leans back and looks nervous. As well he should. Tywin offers to have him carried. Well, I guess it was more a threat than an offer. Joffrey tries to change the subject: "Tell me about the Targaryen girl in the east. And her dragons."
Tywin wonders where he heard about that, but admits that it's apparently true. Joffrey thinks they should maybe do something about it, since dragons have historically been a powerful force for seizing kingdoms. Tywin says that the throne room used to have the skulls of all the Targaryen dragons, which explains why it's so big and empty now. Tywin's point is that the skull of the last dragon was the size of an apple, which is too small a dragon to care about. Joffrey says the biggest skull was the size of a carriage, and Tywin says that dragon died three hundred years earlier. Tywin says, "Curiosities on the far side of the world are no threat to us." So regardless of the current size of dragons, they're too far away to worry about at the moment. Which I think is correct, since they have armies and competing kings to deal with. Tywin knows that they're curiosities because he has been assured such by "the many experts who serve the realm by counseling the King on matters about which he knows nothing." Again, although he's correct in principle, I think it was Jorah Mormont that gave this information, and he's gone over to Daenerys's side. Joffrey complains that he hasn't been counseled, which lets Tywin score a point: "You are being counseled at this very moment." Joffrey thinks he should be consulted. Tywin delivers a line that I swear is taken directly from Sir Humphrey Appleby on Yes, Minister: "From now on, I shall see to it that you are appropriately consulted on important matters. Whenever necessary." Then, after a pause, he adds, "Your grace." Tywin slowly walks down the stairs. Joffrey broods.
I'm not sure Tywin got as much done there as he was hoping. After lecturing both Tyrion and Cersei on how poor they were at managing Joffrey, he needs to swoop in and mold the kid into what he wants. That, or apologize to his kids. Especially Tyrion because it's not his fault Joffrey's a monster. At the very least, Tywin now understands why Tyrion smacked Joffrey around.
"Yunkai. The yellow city." Finally! We're almost there! Jorah tells Daenerys her army is big enough to crush them in an open fight. But they have provisions, patience, and strong walls, so they won't come out and fight. Jorah says they don't need Yunkai. But Daenerys seems very interested in the news that there are two hundred thousand slaves in there: "Then we have two hundred thousand reasons to take the city." Dany tells Grey Worm to go tell Yunkai she's ready to accept their surrender. Or they get the Astapor treatment.
Her men form ranks. A sedan chair (or palanquin) containing an envoy is carried out. It takes a while, so the guy inside can see all the soldiers lining the path. There are a lot of them. Missandei announces him: "Now comes the noble Razdal mo Eraz." He has a list of important traits. For example, he's a Master of Men and Speaker to Savages. That's supposed to be impressive, but Daenerys probably isn't going to like the "Master of Men" part, since it's just a fancy way to say he's a slaver. And I guess "Speaker to Savages" isn't all that complimentary, either. Daenerys also has some titles, like "Mother of Dragons." And the dragons are right there staring at Razdal.
Razdal sits and accepts some refreshment while he pretends that mythical fire-breathing monsters aren't sitting three feet from him. He asserts that Yunkai was old before dragons even existed, and they've fought armies before. It's all very impressive. Daenerys has her dragons scrabble to eat raw meat and says her Unsullied could use some practice at sacking cities.
So now we've gotten the opening posturing out of the way, which means it's time for the actual negotiations. Razdalsays the people of Yunkai are kind and forgiving, so he's brought chests of gold bars for Daenerys. And there's a ship in the harbor with more gold for her. In fact, she can have as many ships as she likes. All they want is for her to take the ships and the gold and her army to Westeros and leave them alone. I think it's a pretty good offer, since it would get Daenerys over to the main continent and let her participate in the titular game of thrones. But Daenerys looks at the two kneeling slaves who brought in the chests. She says she'll give Razdal a gift in return: his life, and the lives of the others in Yunkai. But they only get to stay alive if they release every slave and give them all the food, clothing and property they can carry. That's not all that generous. She warns him, "Reject this gift and I shall show you no mercy." Razdal says he has powerful friends. Then he threatens to make Daenerys into a slave. The dragons look very angry at this, and Razdal is clearly scared. He reminds Daenerys that she promised him safe conduct. She agrees, but points out that her dragons made no such promise. And he just threatened their mother. She's pretty cheerful about this. Razdal tells his slaves to take back the gold, but the dragons won't allow that. Daenerys reminds him that it's her gold now. Razdal scampers off.
With Razdal out of the way, it's time for Daenerys's advisors to weigh in. Selmy says, "The Yunkish are a proud people. They will not bend." This turns out to be a great straight line for Daenerys, who answers, "And what happens to things that don't bend?" Good one. I guess part of being a good advisor is giving advice that lets your boss say things that sound clever. She tells Jorah to find out who the Yunkai's powerful friends are. The she scratches a dragon on the ear. Or on the spot where ears would be if it were a cute puppy.
We still haven't gotten inside Yunkai. I feel cheated.
Tyrion has brought solid gold chains to Shae. She seems unduly focused on the fact that they're chains, so Tyrion talks up how great they are. They're from Casterly Rock! He says she could buy a ship with them, and she asks if she's going somewhere. In my opinion, she is spoiling for a fight. She asks, "So, am I invited to your wedding?" Probably, right? She's Sansa's handmaiden, so there's surely going to be some work for her. He tells her he doesn't have a choice about getting married. She says Tywin doesn't rule the world and that they could go across the Narrow Sea. Tyrion doesn't think that's realistic, since in Westeros he gets to be a Lannister, but elsewhere he'd probably have to juggle and sing comical songs. Shae isn't that impressed, given that in Westeros, her role is, "Shae the funny whore." Shae is generally not happy about emptying Sansa's chamber pot and licking Tyrion's cock when he's bored. He promises to buy her a house and to provide for any children that might pop up. She doesn't want children because they'd never get to see their father. And also their grandfather would kill them if he found out about their existence. Tyrion says she'll always be his lady, but she disagrees: "I'm your whore and when you're tired of fucking me, I will be nothing." This wedding is going to be filled with unhappy people. Except for Cersei, who will be giggling the whole time.
Melisandre and Gendry look at the wreckage of Blackwater from the extremely convenient vantage point of a boat sailing through it. There are still a lot of boats floating around... I guess no one's had time to clean up the bay. Melisandre tells Gendry it was wildfire, and that she should have been there. Gendry thinks it's weird that he's been doing all this traveling and now he's back where he started in King's Landing. Melisandre brings up the topic of heredity, but Gendry says he never had, nor wanted, a father. His mother was a tavern wench. Melisandre says that doesn't matter; she and her mother were both slaves until the Lord of Light raised her up. Gendry was raised in Flea Bottom, and Melisandre finally tells him that the giant castle in the distance was his father's home. He's "The Bastard of Robert of the House Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals, and the First Men." Gendry looks pretty impressed, and Melisandre tells him, "There is power in a king's blood." He probably assumes she means the power to be a great fighter or something, but I have a feeling she's being more literal than that.
The Brotherhood's cave. Arya is pouting and refusing to sit by the fire -- this is quite a change because she's normally so cheerful and full of fun, right? She tells Beric she doesn't talk to traitors. She's mad that they basically sold Gendry to Melisandre. Beric says he does what the one true god tells him to. Arya tells him, "He's not my one true god." Hers is death. I enjoy Arya, but this kid could use some therapy. More men come in to report that they saw a Lannister raiding party just to the south. And there were less than twenty of them. Everyone gets ready to go rob them. Arya complains that Beric swore to take her to Riverrun. He swears that he'll do that in a few days, just as soon as he deals with this raiding party. She shouts, "I don't care what you swear because you're a liar!" Also, she hopes the Lannisters kill them all. Then she runs out of the cave. Anguy goes after her. We see Arya running away. She cuts through a creek, which is good policy. She hides behind a tree and gets grabbed -- by Sandor Clegane! He tells her, "Kick all you like, wolf girl .Won't do you no good." I thought he left! He was lurking just offscreen this whole time.
Brienne has a pretty big cell. It ought to be the cell Catelyn was being kept in when Robb was still at Harrenhal. And maybe it is! Brienne is sitting there, still in her dress, when Jaime comes in and says he's leaving tomorrow. She asks if he knows what will happen to her. Instead of answering, Jaime says that Bolton is going to the Twins for Edmure Tully's wedding. I guess it'll be the social event of the season! And Brienne is staying here. Locke will be in charge. Locke is the guy who captured them and cut off Jaime's hand. Jaime says he owes her a debt. Brienne says that as long as he fulfills his promise to Catelyn, he can consider his debt paid. He swears to return the Stark girls to their mother. That's going to be difficult, since Arya's been kidnapped by Sandor, and Sansa is in danger of getting married off to Tyrion. She appears to accept his word and says, "Goodbye, Ser Jaime." Not "Kingslayer," you'll notice. Jaime's a little overcome and leaves without a word.
Jaime prepares his horse for the ride, but he has trouble with the tack. He's still not used to having a missing a hand, so Qyburn helps him out with the various strap-tightening that's involved in getting a saddle on a horse. Lord Bolton stops by to inform Jaime that Qyburn is hoping Tywin will give him back his chain if he's particularly helpful. Jaime says he can be Grand Maester if his hand grows back. Bolton is very concerned about Tywin's opinion of him. Jaime says to send the Lannisters' regards to Robb Stark on the occasion of his wedding. As he rides out, Locke razzes him a bit and promises to take good care of Brienne.
Oh, lord. Theon again. Two women let him down from the wooden X and take the sack off his head. They give him a cup of water, which is hard to drink because he's lying on his back. One of them (named "Myranda," if you trust the way closed-captioning spells her name) rubs some stuff on his wounds. Myranda was going to be a septa, but she had too much sex or something. I'm not sure I care about her backstory. Theon asks where "he" is, meaning his mysterious tormenter. Myranda and Violet (that's the other lady's name) start sticking their hands down his trousers. They say things like, "Everyone talks about it" and "We heard so much about it." They're like the personification of the people who feel this show would be perfect if it had just a few more penises in it. Violet says they need to make him feel better. So she takes Myranda's dress off. Now she's the personification of the naked women. Myranda straddles him and grinds on him for a bit. Violet eventually takes off her dress as well. Now there's kissing and stroking and moaning. And then! A loud horn blows and the two girls get off him.
M.T. steps out of the shadows and claims he was getting jealous. Theon starts to run, but M.T. backhands him to the ground. He tells Theon, "Everyone knows you love girls. Bet you always thought they loved you back." He takes out a large knife with a serrated hook and asks if Theon's cock is his most precious part. Some goons come in as Theon begs for mercy. M.T. explains, "This is mercy. I'm not killing you. Just making a few alterations." The goons hold him and things go out of focus. Judging from the screams, Theon's getting his penis cut off. Look, if I promise that we understand that Theon's being tortured by a crazy person, can we cut these scenes out of future episodes?
Ygritte prepares to shoot an arrow at deer on the hill. Jon thinks it's too far away, so obviously she kills it. The walking continues. She sees a windmill and asks if it's a palace. No, it's a windmill. She thinks whoever built it must have been a great builder to pile stones up almost twenty feet high. Jon tells her Winterfell is even bigger, and she decides to mock him. But there's not a lot of content in saying "Ooh! I'm Jon Snow! I'm from Winterfell!" Even if you say it in a funny voice and mince around while doing it. He doubles down and says she'd swoon if she saw the big towers. She claims not to know what swooning or fainting is. Somehow he thinks it's a good idea to say swooning is when a girl sees blood. She's obviously not the kind of girl who has trouble with that. She says girls see more blood than boys, which is an excellent point. She mocks him a couple more times and it's really annoying. Lady, you thought a windmill was a palace. You don't get to mock someone for having seen buildings before. Every time there's a lull in the conversation, she adopts her "mocking" tone of voice and is all, "Ooooh! I'm Jon Snow! I know things!" He offers to take her to Winterfell, and she says maybe she'll take him there after they've taken back their land.
He gets serious and tells her she won't win. She starts to say, "You know nothing, Jon Snow," but he cuts her off. It's not like he doesn't know where that sentence is headed. He demonstrates that he does know some things about military history. Six times in the last thousand years people have invaded from north of the Wall, and they were always defeated. He knows where the battles were fought and who the heroes were. She says Mance is different, which is a hard claim for her to make when she didn't even know the other times existed. He insists that her army has no discipline and can't fight together. He warns her, "If you attack the Wall, you'll die. All of you!" She corrects him: "All of us." Don't kid yourself, sister. But then she kisses him. She tells him, "You're mine as I'm yours. And if we die, we dies. But first we'll live." He agrees, "Yes, first we'll live." I bet he wishes he'd stayed in that awesome hot-springs cave.
Hodor sets up a tent. Osha complains that she and Hodor have to do all the work while Jojen just lies around and fills Bran's head with talk about black magic. Hodor says, "Hodor." Jojen says he's just explaining to Bran what's happening to him, and Osha says he's not to talk to Bran until they get to Castle Black. I'm not sure why she thinks she's in charge. Jojen reminds her that Jon Snow isn't there, as he's seen in his visions. Bran says he's supposed to go north of the Wall and find the raven from his dreams. Osha insists that he go to Castle Black and no further. Bran thinks that maybe he fell from the tower for a reason, considering that's when he started getting his visions. And now he's got all sorts of ideas about fate and destiny. Osha is mad that Jojen is saying bad things happen for reasons. Then she launches into her tragic backstory. She had a man named Bruni who left her. And he came back as a snow zombie. He squeezed her neck, and she got a knife. She stabbed him in the heart and he didn't notice. So she burned the hut down with him inside. Resourceful! I like that she's a woman of action. She didn't ask the gods about what it meant or what her destiny was supposed to be. She decided the North was no place to be and headed south. She promised to get Bran to Castle Black, and no further. She is definitely not interested in handing him over to the snow zombies.
Out on the road, Qyburn tends to Jaime's stump. It's looking better. They've stymied the corruption, which is old-timey talk meaning that Qyburn successfully sliced off all the rotting flesh. Jaime tells Qyburn he's better than Grand Maester Pycelle at stitching wounds, which he feels is faint praise. He lost his chain for trying too hard to understand disease -- he conducted experiments on dying men. Jaime says he must have dragged dying men from the garret to open their bellies. Qyburn points out that at least he learned things that he used to save lives. And Jaime has killed countless men, and how many people has he saved? Jaime says he's saved half a million lives: the population of King's Landing. Oh, because of that time he killed the King, right. Changing the subject, Jaime asks if he sent a bird to Tarth. He did, and Lord Selwyn Tarth offered 300 gold dragons for Brienne's return. But Locke won't take it because he still believes Jaime's sapphire mine story, so he thinks Brienne is worth more. Then Qyburn delivers the actual bad news: "She'll be their entertainment tonight." Jaime looks stricken. Not physically, for once. I mean morally.
They're being escorted by a goon whose name is Steelshanks. I'm pretty sure they haven't said that on the show, but that's what the Internet is for. Jaime says he has to go back to Harrenhal because he left something behind. Steelshanks says he has orders to deliver him to King's Landing. He's a very well-trained goon, isn't he? Jaime says that when they get to King's Landing, he could tell his father "this man chopped off my hand" (resulting in presumably instant death) or "this man saved my life" (resulting in a fat reward). Steelshanks finds this a compelling argument. Back to Harrenhal, then.
Jaime rides back into Harrenhal, which is suspiciously devoid of people. He hears men singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair" and runs toward the noise. He climbs stairs to the top of a deep pit. Brienne is in there. Oh, and so is a bear. A pretty big one, too!
She's still got her fancy dress. And a wooden sword. Most of the men are just shouting incoherent taunts, but Locke tells her to stop running and fight. She backs up, keeping the point toward the bear. Jaime asks why it's a wooden sword, and Locke explains that they only have the one bear. Sure, you don't want to accidentally make the battle too fair. Jaime offers to pay Brienne's ransom. Locke says this makes him happier than gold or sapphires ever could. In fact, Locke tells Jaime to buy himself a golden hand and fuck himself with it.
The bear stands up on its hind legs. Brienne jabs her sword at its face and it knocks it away. Then it knocks her to the ground. Jaime jumps down and tells her to get behind him. She answers indignantly, "I will not!" But Jaime gets in front of her, which is pretty much the same thing. He doesn't even have a wooden sword to protect him, so it's a good thing that their guardian goon shoots the bear with a crossbow. This annoys Locke more than it does the bear, but the goon says he's just following Bolton's orders to keep Jaime alive until he gets to King's Landing. The bear is distracted enough for Jaime and Brienne to run for the wall. Jaime kneels down so Brienne can use him as a step to get up high enough for men to pull her up to the ledge. For some reason, although it was very chivalrous of Jaime to put himself in danger to protect Brienne, I'm more impressed that he knelt. Brienne gets pulled up and immediately leans over the edge with men holding her legs. Jaime has a little more trouble getting up the wall, but he avoids the bear and is dragged up to safety. The bear is not happy. Neither are most of the men. But the most unhappy one is Locke, who tells Jaime, "The bitch stays." Jaime stands and says otherwise. Jaime thinks his happiness is more important to Lord Bolton than Locke, who he describes as Bolton's pet rat. Locke's men consider drawing their swords, and Locke backs down. Jaime says it's time to go. He does apologize to Locks about the lack of sapphires.
Jaime leaves. Brienne, with blood on her neck and chest, follows. The bear roars.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
Jaime leaves. Brienne, with blood on her neck and chest, follows. The bear roars.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.