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Arya Stark really wants to kill Sandor Clegane, but she's a little leery of actually trying anything that might enrage him. Then he tells her he's not working for King Joffrey anymore, and he's taking her to The Twins to ransom her to Robb and Catelyn. This doesn't make her any less homicidal, but at least now she's willing to go along with him for awhile.
Daenerys's plan to attack Yunkai runs into a snag when they hire a very expensive mercenary army called the "Second Sons" to protect them. Daenerys has the three captains of the Second Sons over for a meeting, but things don't go as well they were hoping. The captains mostly talk about how they're going to rape Daenerys and enslave her entire army. Daenerys sends them away with a barrel of wine, and then the pretty one comes back with the heads of the other two. So now she's got another army at her disposal and we still haven't seen the inside of Yunkai.
Melisandre has taken Gendry to Dragonstone, where she's got creepy plans involving his blood. Stannis lets Davos out of the dungeon in time for him to say that this kid shouldn't get sacrificed. So instead, Melisandre sexes him up a little, then ties him up. And then she brings out the leeches! And Gendry does not like where she puts them! Stannis throws the leeches in the fire as he says the names of the other people who say they're king: Balon Greyjoy, Robb Stark, and Joffrey Baratheon.
The big event of the episode is the marriage of Tyrion to Sansa. Neither of them is happy about it, but they put on a brave face. It's a very nice ceremony, although Joffrey steals Tyrion's stepstool and then laughs at him. And then at the reception, he threatens to rape Sansa. So he's still the worst. Also at the reception, Tyrion gets really drunk and obnoxious, which is kind of understandable. He's probably just sad he missed the awesome little moments, like Olenna Tyrell boring her grandchildren by trying to figure out what their family tree will look like. Or Cersei absolutely shutting down Loras Tyrell when he tries to empathize with her. The reception ends with Joffrey insisting that Sansa be stripped naked and carried to her bed. That's apparently a tradition, but Tyrion threatens to cut Joffrey's dick off, so he has to act extra-drunk to get out of it. When Tyrion and Sansa are alone, Tyrion decides not to have sex with her until she actually wants him to. So that's nice, that he decided not to rape a fourteen-year-old girl.
Sam and Gilly are still in the frozen wastes of the north, and they pass time by hiding in a shack and talking about what to name Gilly's baby. Then all the crows go crazy and they're attacked by a snow zombie. It shatters Sam's sword instantly, but do you remember that weird dragonglass dagger he had? It turns out that those kill snow zombies instantly. So that's an important safety tip to keep in mind.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!The credits once again contain King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, the Wall, and Yunkai. That's the same sentence I started the last recap with. Clever, right? Because the credits didn't change? Ah, never mind. Let's get on with it.
Arya wakes up to a rock about the size of her head. She picks it up and carefully carries it over to Sandor, who's sleeping to a tree. As she's lifting it, but before she can smash it down on his unprotected skull, he opens his eyes and says, "I'll give you one try, girl. Kill me and you're free. But if I live, I'll break both your hands." She considers it, which I think speaks well of her determination to kill everyone who has wronged her.
But she appears to have chosen to bide her time, because now she and Sandor are riding a horse. Arya's in front, and she's riding side-saddle. Except without the saddle, if you see what I mean. Sandor tells her she's lucky to be with him, rather than with someone worse. She says there's no one worse than Sandor, and he tells her about his brother, who kills children. And the rapists he saved Sansa from. Arya claims not to believe that he saved Sansa, because she only knows about Sandor as the looming Hound. So when they get to a big body of water, she thinks it's the Blackwater and that she's being taken back to King's Landing. Sandor explains that he quit his old job, but he does it in a colorful and colloquial manner: "Fuck Joffrey. Fuck the Queen." This is actually Red Fork, which is on the way to The Twins. Sandor's taking Arya to Robb and Catelyn, who will pay for Arya's return. Arya doesn't even know why everyone's going to The Twins, because she hasn't heard about the social event of the season. Sandor catches her up: "Your uncle's marrying one of the Frey girls. So quit trying to bash my skull in, and we just might make it there in time for the wedding." Arya quiets down a little, but she's probably still thinking of nothing but murder all day.
Riders gallop through the desert, so it's time to check in on Daenerys. She's still outside Yunkai. These riders are a new army that has been hired to defend the city. Selmy says mercenaries can't be trusted, but Jorah says they can if they're paid enough. These are the Second Sons, led by a Braavosi named Mero. He also calls himself "The Titan's Bastard," which is a pretty cool epithet. There are 2.000 men in the army, and they're all armored and mounted. Selmy says that's enough to make a difference in the upcoming fight (in which Daenerys has 8,000 Unsullied). Daenerys says it's hard to collect money from a corpse, so she'd like to talk to the Titan's Bastard. Her theory is, "A man who fights for gold can't afford to lose to a girl." Considering the losers in this kind of war tend to get killed, I don't think anyone can afford to lose to anyone, really. No one's going to hire a corpse, regardless of who killed him.
So she's introduced to the captains of the Second Sons: In addition to Mero of Braavos, there's Prendahl na Ghezn, and Daario Naharis. Daario looks a little like Fabio, and he knows it. Any time he's in a scene but doesn't have any dialogue, he's just sitting there reflecting on how great he looks. Mero asks if Daenerys is the mother of dragons. Then he drops the dragon subject in favor of insulting her: he's pretty sure he fucked her in a whorehouse. Then he claims that she licked his ass. He tells a slave to bring him wine, and when Daenerys says there aren't any slaves here, he says that after his army wins, they'll all be slaves. He seems to be enjoying himself. He tells Daenerys, "Take your clothes off and come and sit on Mero's lap." This guy is not the best diplomat I've ever seen.
Daenerys asks how they think they can beat her army of 10,000 Unsullied. Daario says it's only 8,000, which I have mixed feelings about. On one hand, it's impressive that he knows how big her army is. But it's still 8,000 Unsullied versus 2,000 Second Sons, so quibbling about that extra 2,000 seems beside the point. Mero says, "The second sons have faced worse odds and won." Jorah retorts, "The second sons have faced worse odds and run." I would too! Mero says he's taken the slavers' gold, so they can't switch sides even if they wanted to. If word gets out that you switch sides, people stop hiring you. Daenerys says that if they sign up with her, they won't need to worry about their future prospects. She'll get them gold! Castles! Lordships! Mero is skeptical, since she has none of those things now. She answers, "A fortnight ago I had no army. A year ago I had no dragons." She tells them they have two days. Mero says, "Show me your cunt. I want to see if it's worth fighting for." I'm starting to get the impression we're not supposed to like this guy. Maybe if he could say a few dozen more crass things, I'd be sure.
Daenerys declares the meeting over. She offers them a flagon of ale, but Mero bargains her up to a barrel. He grandly declares, "The Titan's Bastard does not drink alone. In the Second Sons, we share everything. After the battle, maybe we'll all share you." Yikes. I'll remind you: there are 2,000 of them! On his way out, Mero slaps Missandei's butt. Daenerys tells Selmy to kill that one first if he has a chance. Selmy looks like he was already planning on that.
Melisandre and Gendry get to Dragonstone, a castle on top of a cliff. It's high and imposing, which is probably the point. Stannis is waiting in his war room, and there's a really neat dragon sculpted into the wall. You don't think of Stannis as having a lot of time to appreciate aesthetics, but there aren't a lot of other places in Westeros where things just get to be art for the sake of art. The King's Landing throne room probably looked cool when it was full of giant dragon heads, but now it's just huge and empty. Gendry starts to bow, but Stannis grabs his head so he can get a better look at the kid's face. He proclaims Gendry, "Half Robert, half lowborn." Melisandre sends Gendry off to his chambers, where he'll get a bath and clothes. That'll probably be nice. It's been a long time since this character was clean. He might never have been clean, actually. I imagine blacksmiths who live in Flea Bottom have to get used to being dirty.
With Gendry out of the room, Stannis asks why they're giving Gendry new clothes if they're just going to kill him. Melisandre has a story about how if a lamb sees the blade that kills it, its terror will affect the flavor of the meat. So I guess she's being nice to Gendry so he doesn't expect whatever horrible things she's planning to do to him. Stannis asks if she's killed a lot of lambs. She has! And, she adds, "none have seen the blade."
Down in his cell, Davos is sounding his way through the history of the Targaryens. It's difficult for him, but I don't think it's his fault. I mean, look at this sentence: "Visenya rode Vhagar, the smallest of the dragons, though still large enough to swallow a horse whole." First of all, the names "Visenya" and "Vhagar" are crazy. And that sentence contains the words "though" and "enough," which are ridiculous examples of how to spell and pronounce words in English. Stannis walks into the dungeon area, but he moves slowly and with dignity, so Davos has time to hide the book. It would be nice to think that Stannis was walking slowly on purpose because he knew Davos had the book, but really I think he just walks like that. Stannis tries to make small talk, but he's not very good at it. He says Davos doesn't belong here. Davos is philosophical: "Sad to say, but I've seen worse." Stannis: "Yeah." He says he's sorry about Davos's son dying. He tells Davos Melisandre has Robert's bastard boy because there's power in king's blood. They're going to sacrifice Gendry, although Davos thinks the correct verb is "kill." He objects to this plan on moral grounds, which is a risky move. The last person to do something on moral grounds was Ned Stark. Stannis asks, "Why should I spare the son of some tavern slut Robert bedded one drunken night?" Davos says it's because Gendry has Stannis's blood. So did Renly, but he was at least asking for it. Gendry is as close to an innocent as you can get in this world. Stannis says that Melisandre says the night will devour all unless he triumphs. He didn't choose to be king, but "Great or small, we must do our duty." So in his opinion, he's required to do this. If he weren't the rightful king, of course he'd step aside. But, he asks, "What's one bastard boy against a kingdom?"
Anyway, he's here to free Davos if he swears never to raise his hand against Melisandre. He's willing to go that far, but he reserves the right to speak against her. He thinks Stannis chose today to come to him because he knew Davos would counsel restraint. In his opinion, Stannis doesn't slaughter innocents. Then he switches to the subject of religion: "I think mothers and fathers made up the gods because they wanted their children to sleep through the night." Stannis disagrees, on the very reasonably grounds that he has actual evidence of the Lord of Light's power. He personally saw a vision of a "Great battle in the snow." And there was that shadow baby that Davos watched happen, which certainly seems to be evidence of something. And Davos doesn't even know about Thoros coming back from the dead six times.
The camp of the Second Sons. The captains talk about how Daenerys talks too much, but she won't after Melo's cock is in her mouth. Daario wishes to distinguish himself from her, saying he's no whore. He claims that he fights for beauty, which is a weird thing to say. He explains, "The gods gave men two things to entertain ourselves before they died. The thrill of fucking a woman who wants to be fucked, and the thrill of killing a man who wants to kill you." That's all? Man, you guys need to invent television. Melo says Daario will die young. And with that out of the way, it's time to discuss tactics. Melo figures that because there's a new moon tonight, one of them should just sneak into the enemy camp and kill Daenerys. He has three coins, one each from Meereen, Volantis, and Braavos. He has his whore (by the way, he has a whore with him) close her eyes and hand them out. Whoever draws the Braavosi will do it. The winner is Daario. He smiles and says, "Valar morghulis." People say that a lot. I think they're trying to make it a catchphrase.
Sansa is surrounded by handmaidens. There are only three of them, but Sansa is easy to surround. Shae lets Tyrion in, and Sansa gets all tense. Even tenser than usual. She manages to say that Tyrion is handsome, and he describes himself as "the husband of your dreams." In return, he tells her she looks glorious, and she looks demure. Tyrion asks Podrick to escort "Lady Stark's handmaiden" out. I don't know if he'll be able to continue pretending not to know Shae's name. Once Tyrion and Sansa are alone, Tyrion tells her he didn't ask for this, and she is all dutiful about not wanting to disappoint him. I don't think she really cares that Tyrion is being forced to do this, considering she's in a very similar situation. He says she won't be a prisoner after today. She'll be his wife. This news does not appear to make her feel any better. He tells her he knows how she feels. This attempt at friendliness does not go over well: "I doubt that very much, my lord." Fair. But he points out that she doesn't know how he feels, either. Then he gets to the point: "But I promise you one thing, my lady. I won't ever hurt you." Well, that's good. It's certainly a step up from her last fiancé. He asks if she drinks wine. She says, "When I have to." Well, today she has to. He takes her arm and they walk out of the room together. I guess the wedding is happening right now!
The guests assemble in the Great Sept of Baelor. Whoever's in charge of royal weddings probably appreciates this as a chance to get the bugs ironed out before Joffrey marries Margaery here. Although I guess that might be Tyrion, as MAster of Coin. And speaking of Margaery, she's here, of course. She tells Cersei she looks radiant. Cersei is instantly on guard. Margaery says, "We're going to be sisters soon!" while taking Cersei's arm. She's leaning way into Cersei's personal space here. The framing of this shot is great, too. They started on opposite sides of the shot, and now Margaery is all the way over on Cersei's side while Cersei leans away. Cersei suggests that Margaery has a lovely singing voice. This leads to her explaining how the Westeros song "The Rains of Castamere" is about the Reynes. They used to be the second wealthiest family in Westeros, just like the Tyrells. And, says, Cersei, social climbers don't want to stop at the second rung, because then, "You'd be alone with nothing but blue sky above you." So Lord Reyne built a giant castle and gave his wife glorious jewels. Then he rebelled against Tywin, so every single Reyne was slaughtered. Their bodies rotted high above Casterly Rock. That sounds awful for the people who lived there. Margaery smiles nicely, because that's how she tries to get people off guard. Cersei says, "If you ever call me sister again, I'll have you strangled in your sleep." Oh, Cersei. Don't you know you're not supposed to be openly hostile? It's all about veiled meanings and smiling while you put the dagger in.
The doors to the sept open. Sansa enters (artfully backlit) and sees Tyrion on waiting on the other side of the Sept. Joffrey strolls up to Sansa, which comes as a nasty surprise. He tells her that since she doesn't have a father anymore, he'll be acting as the "father of the realm" and giving her away. He offers his arm, which she is obliged to accept. See, this should make her like Tyrion much more. Joffrey is a constant reminder of what her fate could have been.
They walk across the sept. It's very fancy. And it takes a long time. Nobles are watching her, including everyone we've seen in King's Landing. I'm pretty annoyed that they have Varys in the scene but don't have him saying anything. That guy's my favorite. Joffrey and Sansa slowly cross the room. Tywin and Cersei are on the right, up near the dais. Margaery, Olenna, and Loras are on the left, farther down. My guess is that there would be people on the dais on the left if Sansa had any family that would be allowed to be there. Joffrey brings Sansa all the way up to the top, where he deposits her across from Tyrion. Then he gives Tyrion the side-eye and steals a stepstool from behind the priest.
The priest (or "septon," I guess) says, "You may now cloak the bride and bring her under your protection." But without the stepstool, Tyrion is too short to reach Sansa's shoulders with the cloak. Joffrey laughs, because he's a jerk. There's some laughter from the rest of the crowd, but it's quelled by Tywin's glare. Joffrey is in front of Tywin, so he keeps snickering the whole time. Eventually, Tyrion has Sansa kneel down. That was simple. The septon delivers a whole spiel about their marriage, ending with, "One flesh, one heart, one soul, now and forever." I'm sure their marriage will be very long and happy, just like everything else in this world.
A bedroom. There are candles everywhere. And a giant bed, which is how I knew it was a bedroom. It's not Tyrion and Sansa's honeymoon, because we're back at Dragonstone. These would be Gendry's chambers. Melisandre asks him if he's ever seen such a big bed. He has not, but he hasn't seen anything as nice as most of the stuff she's showing him. She tries to relate by saying when she was young and poor, she used to live on one bowl of "stew" a day. He says that in Flea Bottom, they used to call that stew "bowls of brown." They'd pretend it had chicken in it, although they knew it wasn't chicken. She offers him some wine. In case he thinks it's poisoned, she tries it first. That's a nice gesture, but we've already seen Melisandre be immune to poison. Gendry doesn't know that, though, so he drinks some. He says it's good, although he doesn't know anything about wine. She says, "It's the real thing or it's not. You only need a tongue to tell the difference." She offers more to drink, but he's leery. She tells him, "There are no mistakes. Not for us." Gendry thinks he himself is a mistake, but Melisandre insists that the Lord of Light willed him into existence so he'd be here right now. She starts taking his clothes off and nuzzling his face. He comments, "This doesn't seem very religious." Melisandre says the Silent Sisters are a drag. She drops her robe, because regardless of which direction the seduction is going, the woman gets naked. She says, "Death is coming for everyone and everything. A darkness that will swallow the dawn. And we can stop it, you and I." That's not the most seductive thing I've ever heard, but it helps that it's being said by a sexy naked lady. She leads him to the bed and undoes his pants. Her sexy talk continues to be weird: "Let me show you what you have inside you. Come fight death with me." She straddles him and there's a lot of moaning and panting on the soundtrack. Although he's still got his leather trousers on, so I would prefer not to speculate on what exactly is happening. After some grinding and moaning, she pins his wrists to the pillow and wraps a belt around them. "You have to trust me," she says as she gets off of him. Then she ties his ankles together.
So now you're thinking this is getting pretty good, right? I mean, maybe you're not. I don't pretend to be able to read your mind. But then Melisandre puts a leech on Gendry's chest. Gendry is not so into this anymore. She says, "I told you there's power in the blood of kings." And another leech goes on his chest. The third leech goes down his pants, and Gendry is definitely opposed to this turn of events. Stannis and Davos come in, because why not make this even more uncomfortable, right? Melisandre says this is a demonstration for Davos of the power of a king's blood. I guess she's no longer worried about the terror of the lamb, or whatever she was going on about before. Because Gendry is definitely freaking out. She removes the leeches, and Gendry's a real baby about it. I guess leeches on Westeros don't have the topical anesthetic effect they have in the real world. Stannis takes the leeches and throws them in the fire one at a time, saying the names of the other kings as he does: "The usurper Robb Stark. The usurper Balon Greyjoy. The usurper Joffrey Baratheon." I don't think it's fair to call Joffrey a usurper. His usurpation was more passive than everyone else's. I mean, the other two had to stand up and declare themselves as rogue kings, but Joffrey just stood there and got crowned. Even if he's illegitimate, he's at least got the Iron Throne to point to.
Oh, hey! There's Joffrey! It's the reception for Tyrion and Sansa's wedding. Everyone's pouring wine and having fun. Except Loras, because Olenna's talking to him. She says, "So, their son will be your nephew. After you're wed to Cersei, of course. And you will be the king's stepfather and brother-in-law." And then she turns to Margaery: "When you marry the king, Joffrey's mother will become his sister-in-law and your son will be Loras's... nephew? Grandson? I'm not sure. But your brother will become your father-in-law, that much is beyond dispute." Loras leaves, because this is some complicated nonsense. I guess he's also sad about having to marry Cersei, but mostly he just doesn't want to be stuck at the table with his grandmother.
Tyrion and Sansa are seated at a table where everybody can watch them. So it's a shame that Tyrion is so very drunk. He's using the gold plates as mirrors to pick his teeth, he's spilling wine on himself, and he's using the tablecloth to wipe his face. It's a disgraceful display, and Tywin is glaring at Tyrion in exactly the way you'd expect. Sansa excuses herself. Seeing this, Joffrey gets up from the Lannister table, because he wants to go bother her. Cersei tries to redirect him to Margaery, but he says he'll have a lifetime to harass her. I like that while Cersei was being nice to Sansa (by trying to get Joffrey away from her), she was being cruel to Margaery. Although she didn't think it through, since she should know that the more time Joffrey spends with Margaery, the more he'll be under her thrall. Cersei's also somewhat drunk here, but not as much as Tyrion.
Tywin tries to talk some sense into Tyrion, but Tyrion's looking wistfully at Shae. So Tywin gets to the point: Tyrion's job is to get a Lannister child into Sansa as soon as possible. And Tyrion seems already too drunk to get the job done tonight. Tyrion disagrees: "What did you once call me? A drunken little lust-filled beast." Tywin agrees that he's called Tyrion that on many occasions. Tyrion expands on his theme: "Drinking and lust. No man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine. I shall bring a shrine to myself at the brothel I visit." So his claim is basically that it's impossible for him to be so drunk he can't perform in the bedroom. Tywin takes the wine away and tells him to do his duty. The Tyrells are watching avidly, because this is the sort of thing Olenna lives for. Tyrion raises a glass to Loras, who's moping on the second-floor balcony.
Loras looks positively despondent up there. He walks away from Tyrion's gaze and sees Cersei, who's looking out at the sea. Because Loras is nearly as naïve as Sansa, he decides it's a good idea to go over and commiserate with her. He gets as far as "Well...my father once told me--" when Cersei cuts him off: "Nobody cares what your father once told you." Cersei has absolutely had it with all of you people. All she wanted was sex with her twin brother (who's still missing) and to be Queen Regent over the king (who has stopped listening to her and is turning out to be a real problem). It's not going well for her, and the last person she wants to talk to is the guy she's going to be forced to marry and procreate with. That might be why she was trying to protect Sansa from Joffrey just then: she identifies with Sansa's situation because it'll be hers soon.
Sansa is nearly alone, except for Shae. And Shae gets out of the way as soon as Joffrey walks up, because she is no fool. Joffrey congratulates Sansa on marrying a Lannister. Soon she'll even have a Lannister baby! He's being malicious: "I suppose it doesn't really matter which Lannister puts the baby into you." He threatens to come visit her tonight after Tyrion passes out. Ser Meryn and Ser Boros will hold her down while he rapes her. This kid is the worst. And isn't he supposed to at least pretend to be a Baratheon? I realize he's the distilled essence of Lannister, but if he's not "Joffrey Baratheon," he's not "King Joffrey."
And now Joffrey announces to the whole reception that it's time for "the bedding ceremony." Tyrion says that's not happening, but Joffrey ignores him. Joffrey tells everyone to strip Sansa down and carry her to her bed. This is a charming tradition, isn't it? Joffrey is insisting on this, so Tyrion stabs a knife into the table and everybody shuts up. Tyrion growls that if Joffrey makes the bedding ceremony happen, "you'll be fucking your own bride with a wooden cock." Tywin stands up. Joffrey says, "What did you say?" I love the cross he's striking between outrage and terror. He repeats himself, and Tywin steps in to call off the bedding ceremony. Tywin adds, "I'm sure Tyrion did not mean to threaten the king." And good news: Tyrion isn't so drunk that he doesn't know he needs to reverse course, fast. So he says it was a bad joke, made out of envy of the royal manhood. Then he piles on the self-deprecation: "Mine is so small, my poor wife won't even know I'm there." He plays up his drunkenness and staggers around. I think he actually is very drunk, but he's acting even drunker than that. He announces, "My tiny drunk cock and I have a job to do. Come, wife. I vomited on a girl once in the middle of the act. Not proud of it. But I think honesty is important between a man and wife, don't you? Come. I'll tell you all about it. Put you in the mood." Joffrey is still staring in goggle-eyed disbelief, probably trying to figure out how to execute Tyrion without getting yelled at. And also without getting his genitals cut off, because Tyrion did not look like he was kidding.
When Sansa and Tyrion are alone in their bedchamber, Tyrion closes the door behind them. He staggers a little and gets the wine. I may have underestimated how drunk he actually is. Sansa asks him if that's wise, and he tells her not to call him "my lord." She has to call him "Tyrion" now, after hardly calling anyone by their name since she got to King's Landing in the first place. Tyrion says, "Astoundingly long." Sansa is even more baffled than usual, but it turns out that Tyrion's talking about her neck. I guess it's pretty long. He asks her how old she is, and she says she's fourteen. That's really young to get married, in my opinion. Tyrion sighs, "Well, talk won't make you any older." It could, if you talk long enough. Try talking for five years and see what that gets you. He says that he has been commanded to consummate the marriage. Sansa gets herself some wine, which is probably a good idea. I imagine that there was a scene where Olenna got her alone and told her, "Close your eyes and think of Winterfell."
Sansa walks to the bed and starts removing her gown. Tyrion watches from behind a lattice. It takes awhile, because this outfit is a complicated operation. The bedding ceremony would probably have found a faster way to do this. Finally, Tyrion stops her: "I can't. I could. I won't." Yay! Tyrion decided not be a bad person. Good for him. He says, "If my father wants someone to get fucked, I know where he can start." So he won't share Sansa's bed, then adds, "Not until you want me to." I feel like that could be a long wait. Sansa asks what happens if she never wants him in her bed. He answers, "And so my watch begins." He starts to walk away, then falls on the floor. Sansa is not sure what to do now. I guess it's out of the question for her to start writing "Mrs. Sansa Lannister" on all her notebook covers.
Daenerys's camp at night. Various Unsullied walk around on guard. But one of the Unsullied has a long, curved knife. I bet that's Daario! Because if it isn't, this scene is going to be pretty boring.
Daenerys is having a bath in her giant tent. She's impressed that Missandei speaks nineteen languages. I'm impressed that this world even has that many languages. Missandei points out that Daenerys learned Dothraki reasonably well in only a year. And that's a compliment until Daenerys realizes that she thought she was better than that. Drogo said she spoke Dothraki like someone born to it. Then Missandei corrects her pronunciation, and maybe Daenerys realizes that Drogo was being nice to her. But Missandei says her High Valyrian is very good. Then she wanders offscreen and gets grabbed by Daario.
Daario has his knife (the long curved one) to Missandei's throat. If Daenerys screams, he'll kill Missandei. He says he doesn't want to kill Dany. Well, that's unexpected. So, what do the other captains think of that? He says, "You should ask them." Then he opens a sack and dumps two heads on the floor. They belong to Mero and the other one. I'm not going to scroll back up and look up his name, since he's already dead. The heck with that guy, right? He had his chance to make an impact. He should have called himself something cool like "The Titan's Bastard." Daario explains that he killed them because they had philosophical differences about her beauty. He says that this is, in fact, supposed to impress Daenerys. She asks why she's supposed to trust someone who kills his comrades, and he says, "I am Daario Naharia. I always have a choice. They drew their swords and I drew mine." That doesn't really answer her question. I still feel like he changes sides too quickly to be entirely trustworthy. Daenerys gets up out of the bath so we can have more nudity in this episode. But Missandei brings her a robe. She asks if Daario will fight for her. He nods. She has him swear. He does so: "The Second Sons are yours and so is Daario Naharis. My sword is yours. My life is yours. My heart is yours." He kneels to her.
Shae comes into the Tyrion-Sansa bedchamber with breakfast. Tyrion's sleeping on a chair, and he's in the state you'd expect after last night. He thinks she should knock. She yanks away the dress he's using as a pillow. After Sansa gets up, Shae checks the bed, which is unstained. They should probably have found a way to pour some blood on there. Smuggle a chicken in or something, right? Shae and Tyrion share a look, then she takes the sheets away.
Sam and Gilly walk through the snow. They've been doing that this whole time, probably. But now we're actually watching them do it. They find a ramshackle hut, which looks like shelter to Sam. Sam goes inside, but Gilly stays outside because she has a much better sense of impending doom.. A crow scrawks at them. Gilly hands her baby over to Sam and starts collecting wood. Another crow joins the party. There's a weird insert shot of a face on a tree, and I believe that's a Heart Tree. You get those in Godswoods, like the place where Jon Snow said his Night's Watch vows. But the shot is really awkwardly shoehorned in, and it's not clear if this is supposed to be the tree the crows are on or what. Let's assume it is, so this is an important place for the old gods. That won't come into play, but it's fun.
In the shack, Sam tries to start a fire by hitting two rocks together. That never works. Gilly tells him to come under the furs with her to keep warm. Woo-woo! They argue about whether the baby winked or blinked at Sam, and she's never heard the phrase "philosophical difference." She doesn't have a name for the baby yet. And she accuses Sam of talking "fancy on purpose" to confuse her. Sam has been unsuccessful at starting a fire, so she hands the baby over and does it herself. She doesn't know many boy's names, so Sam suggests some. The only ones she can think of are "Craster" and "Mormont." Sam says Mormont is a last name because it's a family name, and then he has to explain the whole concept. He explains that he's Samwell Tarly, and his father is Randyll Tarly. But "please don't name him Randyll." Samwell is not fond of his father, although he concedes that he wasn't cruel in exactly the same way Craster was. She gets the fire going.
The crows are going crazy outside. I live in a crow-heavy area, so this isn't too unusual for me. One time the neighborhood crows were really angry, and when I went outside, they'd grounded a bald eagle. That's probably not what's happening here, so Sam hands the baby back. Then he grabs a flaming stick and goes outside. He also brings his sword, which is a good idea. The trees are lined with crows. Crows everywhere, cawing up a storm. He tells Gilly to stay inside. And then the cawing stops suddenly. That's probably not a good sign. There are noises that the closed captioning describes as "screeching" and "chittering." Gilly says, "It's come for the baby!" The thing that's coming for them is a White Walker, not a wight. The difference is that a wight is just a resurrected dead person, but a White Walker is its own thing. It grabs Sam's sword, which immediately turns to ice and shatters. Sam is thrown aside. Then Sam pulls out that hunk of dragonglass and stabs the White Walker in its back. Now it's the Walker that turns to ice, and then it turns to powder. Hooray! Sam grabs Gilly and they run. Crows chase them as they run. And I am obliged to point out that Sam left the dragonglass behind him, which I think is a bad move. He doesn't even have a sword anymore, and he decided not to bring his +5 Dagger of White Walker Slaying?
week: Behind the Candelabra! But the week after that, more Game of Thrones!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
In the shack, Sam tries to start a fire by hitting two rocks together. That never works. Gilly tells him to come under the furs with her to keep warm. Woo-woo! They argue about whether the baby winked or blinked at Sam, and she's never heard the phrase "philosophical difference." She doesn't have a name for the baby yet. And she accuses Sam of talking "fancy on purpose" to confuse her. Sam has been unsuccessful at starting a fire, so she hands the baby over and does it herself. She doesn't know many boy's names, so Sam suggests some. The only ones she can think of are "Craster" and "Mormont." Sam says Mormont is a last name because it's a family name, and then he has to explain the whole concept. He explains that he's Samwell Tarly, and his father is Randyll Tarly. But "please don't name him Randyll." Samwell is not fond of his father, although he concedes that he wasn't cruel in exactly the same way Craster was. She gets the fire going.
The crows are going crazy outside. I live in a crow-heavy area, so this isn't too unusual for me. One time the neighborhood crows were really angry, and when I went outside, they'd grounded a bald eagle. That's probably not what's happening here, so Sam hands the baby back. Then he grabs a flaming stick and goes outside. He also brings his sword, which is a good idea. The trees are lined with crows. Crows everywhere, cawing up a storm. He tells Gilly to stay inside. And then the cawing stops suddenly. That's probably not a good sign. There are noises that the closed captioning describes as "screeching" and "chittering." Gilly says, "It's come for the baby!" The thing that's coming for them is a White Walker, not a wight. The difference is that a wight is just a resurrected dead person, but a White Walker is its own thing. It grabs Sam's sword, which immediately turns to ice and shatters. Sam is thrown aside. Then Sam pulls out that hunk of dragonglass and stabs the White Walker in its back. Now it's the Walker that turns to ice, and then it turns to powder. Hooray! Sam grabs Gilly and they run. Crows chase them as they run. And I am obliged to point out that Sam left the dragonglass behind him, which I think is a bad move. He doesn't even have a sword anymore, and he decided not to bring his +5 Dagger of White Walker Slaying?
week: Behind the Candelabra! But the week after that, more Game of Thrones!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
In the shack, Sam tries to start a fire by hitting two rocks together. That never works. Gilly tells him to come under the furs with her to keep warm. Woo-woo! They argue about whether the baby winked or blinked at Sam, and she's never heard the phrase "philosophical difference." She doesn't have a name for the baby yet. And she accuses Sam of talking "fancy on purpose" to confuse her. Sam has been unsuccessful at starting a fire, so she hands the baby over and does it herself. She doesn't know many boy's names, so Sam suggests some. The only ones she can think of are "Craster" and "Mormont." Sam says Mormont is a last name because it's a family name, and then he has to explain the whole concept. He explains that he's Samwell Tarly, and his father is Randyll Tarly. But "please don't name him Randyll." Samwell is not fond of his father, although he concedes that he wasn't cruel in exactly the same way Craster was. She gets the fire going.
The crows are going crazy outside. I live in a crow-heavy area, so this isn't too unusual for me. One time the neighborhood crows were really angry, and when I went outside, they'd grounded a bald eagle. That's probably not what's happening here, so Sam hands the baby back. Then he grabs a flaming stick and goes outside. He also brings his sword, which is a good idea. The trees are lined with crows. Crows everywhere, cawing up a storm. He tells Gilly to stay inside. And then the cawing stops suddenly. That's probably not a good sign. There are noises that the closed captioning describes as "screeching" and "chittering." Gilly says, "It's come for the baby!" The thing that's coming for them is a White Walker, not a wight. The difference is that a wight is just a resurrected dead person, but a White Walker is its own thing. It grabs Sam's sword, which immediately turns to ice and shatters. Sam is thrown aside. Then Sam pulls out that hunk of dragonglass and stabs the White Walker in its back. Now it's the Walker that turns to ice, and then it turns to powder. Hooray! Sam grabs Gilly and they run. Crows chase them as they run. And I am obliged to point out that Sam left the dragonglass behind him, which I think is a bad move. He doesn't even have a sword anymore, and he decided not to bring his +5 Dagger of White Walker Slaying?
week: Behind the Candelabra! But the week after that, more Game of Thrones!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
In the shack, Sam tries to start a fire by hitting two rocks together. That never works. Gilly tells him to come under the furs with her to keep warm. Woo-woo! They argue about whether the baby winked or blinked at Sam, and she's never heard the phrase "philosophical difference." She doesn't have a name for the baby yet. And she accuses Sam of talking "fancy on purpose" to confuse her. Sam has been unsuccessful at starting a fire, so she hands the baby over and does it herself. She doesn't know many boy's names, so Sam suggests some. The only ones she can think of are "Craster" and "Mormont." Sam says Mormont is a last name because it's a family name, and then he has to explain the whole concept. He explains that he's Samwell Tarly, and his father is Randyll Tarly. But "please don't name him Randyll." Samwell is not fond of his father, although he concedes that he wasn't cruel in exactly the same way Craster was. She gets the fire going.
The crows are going crazy outside. I live in a crow-heavy area, so this isn't too unusual for me. One time the neighborhood crows were really angry, and when I went outside, they'd grounded a bald eagle. That's probably not what's happening here, so Sam hands the baby back. Then he grabs a flaming stick and goes outside. He also brings his sword, which is a good idea. The trees are lined with crows. Crows everywhere, cawing up a storm. He tells Gilly to stay inside. And then the cawing stops suddenly. That's probably not a good sign. There are noises that the closed captioning describes as "screeching" and "chittering." Gilly says, "It's come for the baby!" The thing that's coming for them is a White Walker, not a wight. The difference is that a wight is just a resurrected dead person, but a White Walker is its own thing. It grabs Sam's sword, which immediately turns to ice and shatters. Sam is thrown aside. Then Sam pulls out that hunk of dragonglass and stabs the White Walker in its back. Now it's the Walker that turns to ice, and then it turns to powder. Hooray! Sam grabs Gilly and they run. Crows chase them as they run. And I am obliged to point out that Sam left the dragonglass behind him, which I think is a bad move. He doesn't even have a sword anymore, and he decided not to bring his +5 Dagger of White Walker Slaying?
week: Behind the Candelabra! But the week after that, more Game of Thrones!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.