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Mance Rayder's army has finally reached the Wall! It's seven hundred feet of vertical ice, so they spend almost the entire episode climbing it. Somewhat to my surprise, no one important falls to their death, although Orell does cut Jon and Ygritte free when there's a Wall-avalanche. When they reach the top, Ygritte takes a moment to enjoy the scenery on both sides. Then she has to stop appreciating the greenery because Jon wants to kiss her.
Walder Frey has sent envoys to tell Robb Stark that he'd be delighted to resume their alliance and contribute some troops to his cause, just as soon as Robb makes a public apology for not marrying his daughter. He also wants Edmure Tully to marry one of the Frey daughters, which Edmure objects to until the Blackfish threatens him. So everything's looking good on the Stark-Frey front.
Remember when Melisandre told Stannis she needed the "blood of a king" to do some magic? It turns out she was thinking of Gendry. So just as he's settling into his new role as the Brotherhood's blacksmith, Melisandre comes in with some soldiers and take him away in a cart. Arya is very angry about this.
In "barely in the episode" storylines, Meera and Osha are starting to hate each other and bicker over the correct way to skin a rabbit. Sam and Gilly are getting along much better on their flight back down to the Wall, although Gilly has to explain to him how to build a fire. And Theon is still getting tortured by a weirdo who won't explain who he is or why he's doing it.
The action in King's Landing is getting hotter, as Tyrion and Cersei put aside their differences to commiserate about the marriages they're about to be forced into. Olenna and Tywin have a meeting where Olenna tries to get out of marrying Loras to Cersei, and Tywin wins on points. Then Sansa has to be told that she's marrying Tyrion, and she doesn't take the news well. Finally, Varys and Littlefinger talk about what fun they have foiling each other's plans and it turns out that Littlefinger handed Ros over to Joffrey to play St. Sebastian. That means he killed her with crossbow bolts, if you're not up on your classical references.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Credits. King's Landing, Harrenhal, Riverrun, Winterfell, the Wall, Yunkai. Same as last week. We haven't seen the real Yunkai yet; just the one on the map.
Samwell Tarly tries to make a fire. Gilly tells him he's got too much wood and explains how to make it work. When Sam takes the giant log out of the fire, it flares up very nicely. That looks cool, but shouldn't they be worried about those Night's Watch men who threatened to come after them? Maybe a blazing campfire isn't the best plan. Sam's not good at building fires because he always had someone building them for him, like in the first episode of Downton Abbey. Gilly is confused at the idea of someone building fires for him. Sam explains that you don't always need fires down south. But they also had servants. Then he says he found something at the Fist of the First Men. It's a crude spearhead, chipped out of some sort of stone. Keep an eye on that thing. Sam promises the Wall is only a few days away. It's "so big, you can't even see the top sometimes." And if that's too poetic a description, he explains that it's 700 feet high. That's a hundred feet higher than the Space Needle, which is a description that probably won't help anyone. Gilly is skeptical of anything being that high, especially all made of ice. Physics agrees with your skepticism, Gilly. Sam talks rapturously of the fire in the Long Hall, which is kept burning all the time. And there's food. And singing! But not by Sam. She tells him to sing her a song. His song starts with, "The Father's face is stern and strong." It also has a verse for the Mother. And probably more, but we go away. It's kind of a nice scene for them. No one's raping or killing anybody, and they're just sitting around a fire singing songs. At this point in the series, I'm pleased when anyone gets a fleeting moment of peace. In fact, I'd be up for thirty seconds per episode being spent on Hot Pie. He doesn't even need to have dialogue; they could just show him baking something. Then get back to the high drama.
Meera and Osha are skinning rabbits. And Osha is not happy with Meera's technique, feeling that her method is far superior to anything any stupid south-of-the-Wall-dweller could manage. Meera thinks she should get extra points for having killed the rabbits, but Osha says she could do just as well if she had a bow. This backfires on her because Meera made her bow herself. Bran tells them they're both very good at skinning rabbits, as he's not very good at subtext yet. The argument does not get defused so easily: Meera says some people would be thankful for rabbits. Not Osha, though -- she takes it to the level: "You've got a big mouth and too many teeth." Bran tells them to stop fighting and make peace. Osha ignores him. Meera admits that Osha's rabbit-skinning technique is faster than hers, and Osha thanks her for hunting. Meera digs at her a little about how good manners cost nothing, and Osha doesn't appear to be in the mood for it. Wildlings are not big on etiquette.
Jojen starts spasming in his sleep, which distracts everyone. Meera runs over and puts a belt in his mouth. As his seizures continue, Meera explains, "The visions take their toll." The tremors subside and he wakes up and shares the news: "I saw Jon Snow." Neat! And there's more, too. "He was on the wrong side of the Wall, and surrounded by enemies." Well, then.
That, of course, is because Jon is currently embedded with Mance Rayder's men. And here they are now! Tormund says the crows never used to let trees within a mile of the Wall. This is a clever bit of exposition, where the obvious message is that the Night's Watch has lost a step in recent years (which jabs Jon nicely), but the scene is set so the audience learns that they're within a mile of the Wall. Ygritte says she's never climbed the Wall, but Tormund's done it "half a hundred times." Just say fifty. And she's probably lying. She says waited her whole life to see the world from up there, and she has some climbing spikes for Jon to tie to his feet. She stole them from some guy because that's how she gets things. But she assures Jon, "He wasn't good to me the way you're good to me." Specifically he wasn't good to her with his tongue. That scene seems to have completely turned her around on Jon Snow... not that it stops her from mocking him when he doesn't want her talking about it: "Ooh, I'm Jon Snow. I've killed dead men and Qhorin Halfhand, but I'm scared of naked girls." He claims he wasn't scared the other day, but she points out that he was trembling.
Then she tells him she knows his secret: he's loyal. "You didn't stop being a crow the day you walked into Mance Rayder's tent. But I'm your woman now, Jon Snow. You're going to be loyal to your woman." If he has any sense, he is. Ygritte's scary! She figures the two of them are just expendable soldiers to the Night's Watch and Mance Rayder, respectively. The Generals don't care if they die, so they only have each other. She warns him, "Don't ever betray me." Then she makes things clear: "Because I'll cut your pretty cock right off and wear it around me neck." Hmm. I'm not sure it's going to be pretty enough to serve as jewelry at that point, but it's a pretty good threat. Tormund tells Jon to sink his metal deep into the Wall (he means that literally, not as a metaphor for sex), and not to scream if he falls.
An arrow hits a straw dummy. Arya, who shot it, says, "Joffrey." Then she follows that up with arrows for Cersei and Ilyn Payne. Anguy (the Brotherhood archer, who is confusingly called "Archer" in the book) tells her she's not as good as she thinks. She points to the arrows in the dummy: "Face. Tits. Balls. I hit them right where I wanted to." Technically, she should be using a shorter dummy for Joffrey, and I guess a larger one for when she gets to Gregor Clegane. But Anguy's objection is that she's too slow. He gives her tips on position, like "Hold the elbow high." This seems like actual advice! I also recap Arrow, and on that show, the archery advice is along the lines of "slap this bowl of water all day." Seriously. Anguy says that Arya shouldn't draw the string all the way back and just hold it there because it tenses up her muscles. "Never hold." Also, "never aim." That sounds sketchier, but Anguy says to just trust your eye. She pulls the string back, but then she says there's someone out there in the forest. There is! Archer takes the bow, which is probably a good idea. Although maybe they should have more than one bow on hand in case multiple people want to do some training.
It is a row of men on horses. Well, not all men. One of them is Melisandre! And one of the horses is pulling a cart with a cage on it, which seems like a bad sign. The Brotherhood is on guard, although she tells them she's a friend. Then Thoros comes out and seems to recognize her. "Valar Morghulis," she says. Thoros answers, "Valar Dohaeris." Arya is very interested in this. They chat in High Valyrian, which is rude to everyone around them. She asks what happened to turning Robert to the Lord of Light, and Thoros says there were some complications. Then she comments on all the drunkenness. Thoros switches back to Common and asks, "Why are you here, my lady?" I'm pretty disappointed that the name of the language everyone speaks is "the Common Tongue." It's a pretty bland name, and it's also the bland name that Dungeons & Dragons uses for its standard language.
Melisandre is brought into the cave, which I guess could literally be considered the inner sanctum. Beric stands and says, "I don't see many ladies these days." Thoros observes that this is a lucky thing for the ladies. Melisandre studies Beric and touches his eye and neck scars. Thoros says he's brought Beric back from the dead. She says that shouldn't be possible. It's not that she objects to him being resurrected; six times is just too many. Also, she thinks Thoros shouldn't have that power! In D&D terms, she's complaining that a low-level cleric has a power that he shouldn't. He claims again that he's only the vessel, adding, "I've always been a terrible priest." Thoros had decided that all the gods were just stories told to children. He wore the robes and said the prayers for show... until the Mountain drove his lance through Beric. He said the words not for belief, but because, "He was my friend and he was dead. And they were the only words I knew." And the Lord replied. Beric stood up and Thoros knew the truth: the Lord of Light is the true god. Well, he's got evidence on his side. The Lord of Light has protected Melisandre from poison, created a shadow baby and brought Beric back from the dead six times. Let's see what the other god candidates can do. Melisandre asks Beric what the other side is like, and he says there is no other side. He's been to the darkness. Neat! Is that the darkness that's full of terrors? Anyway, this is enough theology for Melisandre, and she gets to the point: "You have someone he needs." That's the end of the scene, although I assume it's followed by Thoros asking who "he" is and why she's talking so vaguely.
Gendry looks at some armor-piercing arrowheads and tells Anguy that he can replicate them easily if he has some steel. Arya wants to talk about how she doesn't like Melisandre. And then two guards come up and drag Gendry off to the cage-cart. Arya protests to Beric and Thoros (and anyone else within shouting range) that he just wanted to be in the Brotherhood. Thoros tells her, "The Lord of Light needs this boy." Arya doesn't buy it: "Did the Lord of Light tell you that or did she?" Arya says they're doing it for gold, not their Lord, and Thoros kind of half-agrees with her. The gold doesn't hurt. Gendry objects to having been lied to when they said he could join the Brotherhood. Melisandre says he's more important than everyone else: they're just foot soldiers, but he'll make kings rise and fall. Remember, when Melisandre last saw Stannis, they talked about how she needed "the blood of a king," and that there were other options than Stannis. So Gendry, being the illegitimate son of King Robert Baratheon, might be in for an unpleasant time.
Melisandre's about to get on her horse, but Arya grabs her. Arya isn't buying any of this god talk: "You're a witch. You're going to hurt him." Melisandre studies Arya's face and reads her fortune: "I see a darkness in you. And in that darkness, eyes staring back at me. Brown eyes. Blue eyes. Green eyes. Eyes you'll shut forever. We will meet again." Huh. Well, okay. I'm not sure that reading someone's fortune is the best way to convince them you're not a witch. But this is good news for Arya, right? She pretty much thinks only of revenge at this point, so she should be please to know that she's going to shut people's eyes forever. But then Melisandre leaves with Gendry, and Arya looks sad. Don't be sad, Arya! Remember Hot Pie!
The Wall. Looks cold. And Mance Rayder's men are climbing it! They hammer little pitons in and feed ropes through loops. They're pretty far up. Jon looks down, which is a bad idea. He's at the bottom of a rope that has (going from bottom to top) Ygritte, Orell and Tormund. You should never have all the named characters on one rope. It's like how the President and Vice President don't fly on the same plane. Ygritte notices that Jon has stopped climbing and accuses him of staring at her ass. Tormund's axe sets some snow flying down, and it hits Jon in the face. But the pitons hold, unless they're crampons. I'm not pretending to be an expert mountain climber here. They're little metal spiky things that get pounded into the Wall, and they have loops to hold the ropes. Call them what you will.
HOOOOONK! Theon's mysterious tormentor (formerly "Theon's mysterious savior") blows a noisy horn and apologizes if Theon was trying to sleep. Hey! Sleep deprivation is a perfectly valid form of torture. He's also pouring water on the floor while Theon's desperately thirsty so we know that he's not averse to psychological torture to go with the physical. So he proposes a game: "Which body part do you need the least?" At this point, I think Theon should say "my windpipe" and just embrace death. Instead, Theon says, "Please," but that's not a body part. Theon says he'll talk, but M.T. (that's "Mysterious Tormenter" until he gets a name) mocks Theon, reminding him that he's already told him everything: "Your daddy was mean to you? The Starks didn't appreciate you?" There was some useful information, though: the Stark boys are alive. M.T. muses, "Wouldn't that be a hunt to remember?" He suggests starting with Theon's little finger and asks, "You've been wondering why you're here, haven't you?" Yep. Also who M.T. is, and all that. He promises to tell Theon if he guesses who he is. Here are the rules: "You win the game if you can figure out who I am and why I'm torturing you." Not that Theon will be freed if he wins. That would be silly. He just... you know, "wins." Theon guesses that they're in Deepwood Motte. Nope. Dagger to your finger! He is also not an Umber. Theon guesses that they're at the Karhold, which I happen to know is where the Karstarks are based. It was just a guess, but M.T. says he's right. Theon guesses this is Torrhen Karstark. Nope, because Torrhen was strangled by Jaime. Is he, then, Torrhen's brother? Theon expands on his theory: "Your father is Lord Rickard Karstark." M.T. says he's right. Theon decides that he's being tortured because Rickard Karstark is Robb's bannerman and therefore wants revenge for Theon sacking Winterfell. M.T. says, "Yes. You win." then he gets the crazy eyes and says, "You forgot to ask if I'm a liar!" Theon's finger gets the stabby-stabby. M.T. continues, "I'm afraid I am. Everything I've told you is a lie. This isn't happening to you for a reason." He's kind of peeling the meat off the finger. The last thing he says is, "I win."
Have you ever seen the "Monkey Torture" sketch from The State? Thomas Lennon is on a talk show as a scientist and the joke is that all he does is psychologically torture monkeys. Sometimes he pretends he's going to set the monkeys free, but it's all a trick. My point is that Theon's plot is basically Monkey Torture.
Riverrun. Two creepy guys are here to tell Robb that Lord Walder Frey is willing to give him an army, but he has some demands. First, he requires a formal apology for Robb gong back on his promise to marry a Frey daughter. That seems reasonable, and Robb is willing to do that. , he demands Harrenhal. That place seems like a really common prize of war. The Lannisters gave it to Littlefinger, and Roose Bolton is the one who's actually holding it. Robb is fine with giving away Harrenhal, since it's not even in the North. So once he doesn't need it for the war, it's fine with him if Frey has it. There's one more requirement: Lord Edmure Tully has to marry Roslin Frey, who is nineteen. And this has to happen within a fortnight or the alliance is at an end. Robb complains that he's in the middle of a war, but Frey's envoy explains, "His recent experience has made him leery of long engagements." Makes sense to me. Promises mean nothing; get the groom at the altar and make him sign on the dotted line.
Edmure does not like this plan at all. He complains that he should at least be allowed to pick his bride from all the available Freys. And he's got a point, since he's not the one who ticked off Walder. He walks to the window and insists, "The laws of gods and men are very clear. No man can compel another man to marry." The Blackfish tells him, "The laws of my fist are about to compel your teeth." I like how that doesn't quite scan. The threat is clear, though, and that's the important part. Edmure thinks if he stands firm, Walder will offer him a better daughter. Robb doesn't have time to haggle. He reminds Edmure that he's supposed to make amends for his rash actions at the stone mill. The Blackfish digs a bit at Edmure for that because he seems to enjoy being mean to the kid. Robb says he's won every battle but is losing the war, so they need to do this now. Edmure says, "I'll marry her." Robb says he'll remember it. I should hope so. The primary reason the Tully family is allied with him is that Catelyn's a Tully, but he regards her as a traitor. I like Robb a lot more than Joffrey, but I'm not at all sure he's going to be the winning team.
Harrenhal. Roose Bolton has given Brienne and Jaime some steak. It's nice of him, but Jaime's having some trouble eating it. He's only got the one hand, so whether he holds the fork or the knife, he can't cut into it. Roose compliments Brienne on her dress, and I believe the unspoken message is surprise at seeing that she can wear a dress at all. Brienne exposits that Roose is a Stark bannerman, so she makes a point of reminding him that she was acting on orders from Catelyn Stark when she took Jaime out... but that's not going to fly, as Catelyn is officially a traitor. Still, Roose hasn't returned Jaime to Robb yet because wars cost money, and the Tywin Lannister is probably going to pay the best. Although ransoming Jaime to the Lannisters could get back to Robb, so, Roose says, "Perhaps the safest thing to do is kill you both and burn your bodies." Brienne grips her steak knife, but Jaime keeps her from any overtly aggressive actions. Jaime points out that Tywin would probably find out about that and take some revenge after the war. Bolton's plan is to send Jaime to King's Landing, which he intends for Jaime to interpret as restitution for the actions of his men in cutting off his hand. And he'd also like Jaime to explain to Tywin that it wasn't Roose Bolton that cut off his hand. It looks to me like Bolton is a pragmatist who's trying to figure out how to extract himself from his current alliances. He'll probably have to vacate Harrenhal, but there's a chance that everyone will forget who's supposed to have it.
This seems fine, so Brienne refills everyone's cup. Well, she tries to, but Roose explains that he's not drinking. But Jaime and Brienne are. Jaime comments, "You'll understand how suspicious that is to ordinary people." And now the twist: Brienne won't be going. Jaime insists, and Bolton tells him he should have learned his lesson about overplaying his... position. See, because it looked like he was going to end his sentence with "hand." That's some Arrested Development-level wordplay. I can't wait for Jaime to start shrieking, "I'M A MONSTER!"
Okay, enough of that. It's time for the big leagues: Tywin Lannister vs. Olenna Tyrell! Tywin is the reigning champion from last season, but Olenna had to get through a series of challengers including Sansa (not much of a fight) and Tyrion. So let's get it on!
Olenna says her grandson (Loras Tyrell, the Knight of the Flowers, who was having sex with Renly Baratheon, and things would be a lot easier on me if you'd remember some of this stuff yourself) is the most desirable bachelor in all seven kingdoms, so she's not thrilled about having to marry him to Cersei. Tywin says Cersei is rich, beautiful and the mother of the King. So she's quite a catch! Olenna says Cersei is old, adding, "I'm something of an expert on the subject." According to Olenna, the change will be on Cersei soon, so it's kind of a waste. Tywin brings up the chance to wash away the stain from the rumors of Loras's "nocturnal activities" and asks if Olenna denies them. A normal person would at least be taken aback, but Olenna has no problem conceding that Loras is "a sword-swallower through and through." Olenna asks if Tywin grew up with boy cousins. He did, so she asks, "And you... never...?" Tywin says he has not, and Olenna presses the issue: "Not once? Not in any way?" "Never," says Tywin. Olenna shrugs, "I congratulate you on your restraint." She thinks a bit of experimentation is perfectly normal. Tywin tries to suggest that Highgarden must have shockingly lax morals, but that turns out to be a blunder. It gives Olenna a chance to go on offense: "True, we don't tie ourselves in knots over a discreet bit of buggery, but... brothers and sisters? Where I come from, that stain would be very difficult to wash out." Tywin says will not discuss that (which I believe is a point to Olenna), and Olenna cheerfully says that it doesn't matter if it's a lie, since plenty of people believe it. Tywin irritably points out that neither of them really care what people believe. So he gets to brass tacks. If Olenna were to support the rumors of Jaime and Cersei, then that would invalidate Joffrey's claim as king, so she'd be wasting a valuable piece by letting Margaery marry him in the first place. Olenna says that if Cersei's too old to bear children, Loras would also be wasted. So let's be clear: she doesn't care about Cersei and Jaime having sex and she doesn't care if Joffrey is the One True King. She just doesn't want to ruin Loras as a bargaining chip. And Tywin doesn't care about Loras being gay; he just wants to use that as a threat.
Since he has been unable to convince Olenna to agree peacefully, Tywin goes with a threat: if Loras won't marry Cersei, he'll be named to the Kingsguard. And that will mean he'll never marry or have children and the Tyrell name will fade. And Highgarden would go to Joffrey's kids, which presumably no one really wants. As a side note, I like that no one's asking Loras to weigh in. Unlike some people (Edmure Tully), Loras is going to do his duty without whining and marry whoever Olenna tells him to. Olenna asks if Tywin would really want Joffrey guarded by someone with Loras's nocturnal tendencies, and he points out that Loras is also an extremely capable fighter who follows his vows. He holds his quill over the paper that will assign Loras to the Kingsguard. Olenna sighs and compliments Tywin: "It's a rare enough thing, a man who lives up to his reputation." She breaks the quill. So I believe Tywin wins, given that Olenna came to him with the goal of breaking up the Loras-Cersei match and now appears to have conceded. I wouldn't mind a rematch, though!
Back at the Wall, they're still climbing. This episode is named "The Climb," and I think I'm starting to guess why. As someone pounds his snow axe into the Wall, it appears to hit some kind of hidden fault line. A huge crack appears and starts enlarging. I wonder if this is a defense system that was built into the Wall. That would have been a good idea. The crack goes quite a distance horizontally and causes a huge avalanche. Ygritte falls. And so does Jon, since he's below her. Tormund grips the wall, so he and Orell are fine. But now there's a big divot taken out of the Wall, so Jon and Ygritte are dangling and can't reach the actual surface of the Wall. Orell says to cut the danglers loose. And then he remembers that he's got a knife, so he gets right to work on that. Jon starts swinging the rope, trying to get to the Wall. He does! And he's even able to dig his axe into the ice before Orell finishes cutting the rope. Ygritte falls, but Jon's got a pretty good hold on the ice, so now she's dangling below him. She gets up to his ledge. Jon looks up at Orell and Orell looks down at him. Then Ygritte and Jon start to climb again.
King's Landing. Sansa admires Loras's pin, which he prefers to call a brooch. He muses on the difference between pins and brooches, which is not really the sign of a scintillating conversation. They both awkwardly claim to be happy about the secret plans to wed. He says he's been dreaming of large weddings since he was young. The food and the tournaments seem to take precedence in his mind over the bride. And the bride's gown seems more interesting to him than the bride. Loras tells her that King's Landing is the most terrible place there is, but it's not clear if he's being sarcastic. I notice that I only wrote down things Loras said, but that's just because Sansa was kind of filling space there. She's okay at talking about weddings, but she's less good at secret plans.
Tyrion and Cersei have put their differences aside long enough to commiserate about the marriages they're being forced into. They wonder if killing Sansa and Loras would solve their problems. I think it probably wouldn't, given that part of Tywin's motivation appears to be a wish to make his kids get in line. Tyrion thinks all four of them (himself, Sansa, Cersei and Loras) are getting it bad, but Sansa is probably getting it the worst. I don't know; Tyrion is still part of the royal family and there's a pretty good chance that Sansa's self-delusion field is strong enough to convince her that it's still romantic. Cersei says she did her various vicious acts to protect their family. Tyrion points out that he should count as that. Cersei is in a generous mood and is willing to admit, "If it weren't for your trick with the wildfire, Stannis would have sacked the city before father got here. Our heads would still be rotting o the city gates." Tyrion suggests that she tried to have him killed on the battlefield by instructing a member of the Kingsguard to kill him. The he asks her directly if she did it since there are only two people who can order the Kingsguard around. She doesn't answer. Tyrion sighs, concluding that it was Joffrey, not Cersei: "The impulse I understand. He hates me because I'm the only one who tells him what he really is. So. Fair enough. He wants me dead." Tyrion thinks poisoning him would have been smoother, rather than having a member of the Kingsguard kill the Hand of the King in front of two armies. Tyrion wants to know if his life is still in danger. Cersei thinks it probably is, but not from Joffrey. I don't know if she has anyone specific in mind. She might just figure that everyone's life is always is danger. She wouldn't be wrong.
Cersei thinks that soon, "Joffrey will belong to Margaery, the little doe-eyed whore," so all his decisions will be whatever Margaery tells him. Rather than "whatever Cersei tells him" like it's supposed to be. Her bigger concern is that Joffrey's children will belong to Margaery. Oh well. Tyrion thinks Jaime might kill Loras when he gets back, but Cersei doesn't know when that will be. Her opinion is, "Jaime or not, I'm truly fucked." Cersei asks who's going to tell Sansa about the new plan. Why tell her at all? Just throw her in a gown and surprise her at the wedding. It's not like she's being given a choice in any of this. You know, Edmure Tully needs to get over himself, since everyone else in the world is also being forced to marry against their will.
Sansa and Shae. Sansa is trying on a dress that she might wear at her wedding. She means the one she's going to have with Loras, since she's a few episodes behind. Shae does not think Sansa will be allowed to ask her family to attend, considering they're all either traitors, in hiding, thought dead, or all three. Tyrion comes in to talk to her. He would like to talk to Sansa alone, and Shae snaps, "WHY do you need to speak to her alone?" Sansa asks Tyrion to forgive her handmaiden, and assures him that she has no secrets from Shae. I like that Sansa thinks Tyrion doesn't want to talk in front of a servant, but really he doesn't want Shae learning about this wedding this way. Tyrion says, "This is awkward." Then we cut away, which is a shame. I wanted to see if Tyrion conveyed his own unhappiness with the situation.
Littlefinger is sitting in the throne room, admiring the Iron Throne. Varys walks in and says it's made of a thousand blades. That doesn't sound right, and Littlefinger says it's clearly under two hundred. He's counted. Of course he has. So we're having another scene where Varys spars with Littlefinger, which I find delightful. Varys characterizes the throne as "The Lysa Arryn of chairs." I'm not sure I agree. The throne reminds me more of Olenna Tyrell, what with all the pointy bits. Having transferred the topic to Lysa Tyrell, Varys tells Littlefinger, "Shame you had to settle for your second choice." Littlefinger thinks it's still early. Is it? We're pretty far into the third season already. I guess Littlefinger plays the long game. And he's delighted that Varys is worried about him succeeding. He admits that it's always fun to see friends fail. And then he says that he foiled Varys. Let's pause while I fill in some backstory.
You remember Ros, right? We first saw her as a prostitute at Winterfell, and then she moved to King's Landing, where she quickly started working for Littlefinger. She was in a lot of scenes, thanks to the show's tendency in seasons to have exposition played to a backdrop of random sex. She was also almost killed during the siege of King's Landing because Cersei thought she was Tyrion's lover. And she warned Shae about Sansa talking to Littlefinger too much. And most importantly, in the last episode of Season 2, Varys hired her as his spy in the house of Littlefinger.
With that background, Littlefinger goes on: "But your confidant. The one who fed you information about my plans. The one you swore to protect. You didn't bring her any enjoyment. And she didn't bring me any enjoyment. She was a bad investment on my part. Luckily, I have a friend who wants to try something new. Something daring. And he was so grateful to me for providing this fresh experience." Varys claims to have done everything he did for the good of the realm, and Littlefinger sneers that the realm is a lie. I think I actually believe Varys there. It's nice to think that someone's looking out for the kingdom. Varys thinks the lie protects them from chaos. Littlefinger starts pontificating, and again I object to the raspy voice he adopts: "Chaos isn't our pit. Chaos is our ladder." As he talks in abstracts, we see that Joffrey has been shooting crossbow bolts into Ros. So much for her, then. I liked her, but I guess she was out of her depth. Varys sneers at the common people: "They cling to the realm. Or the gods. Or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real." The ladder is chaos. Out at a scenic overlook, Sansa cries and looks out into the water at Littlefinger's boat. She has learned that she'll be marrying Tyrion, then. Littlefinger says, "The climb is all there is." He's not even a pragmatist; he's an opportunist.
So Varys's goal is to keep the realm together and make it relatively peaceful and healthy. Littlefinger's goal is to take advantage of all the nonsense to get things he wants. I have to say, I like Varys's goals more, but I think Littlefinger's got a better shot.
Ygritte reaches the top of the Wall. So do the others. Well, the ones we care about, anyway. They probably lost some people in that avalanche, but they don't matter. Jon is last. Everyone's pretty tired, so they're just lying down. I guess they can take a few minutes off. Orell looks over at them, and he and Jon have a moment. There's an eagle overhead, and the sun breaks through the clouds. Ygritte looks north at the view she's just climbed out of, and it's very nice. Jon finally gets up and helps Ygritte to her feet. Then they look at the view to the south. Some of it is green! They kiss! Jon is the one who closes the distance between their lips, although I expect she would have done it if he'd taken any longer about it.
The camera zooms back and up and we're out. week, we might finally get to Yunkai!
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.