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Sandor Clegane has his fight with Beric Dondarrion to determine whether he was guilty of murdering Mycah the butcher's boy. And even though Beric has a flaming sword, Sandor wins, which means he's innocent! It should also mean that Beric is dead, but Thoros brings him back to life for what turns out to be the sixth time. See, this is why you always want to have a Cleric in the party. Sandor Clegane is given an IOU for his gold and sent on his way. Gendry decides to stay with the Brotherhood, so all that's left is to take Arya to Robb and hand her over for some money. I'm sure that will go perfectly!
Brienne and Jaime get dragged to Harrenhal, where Lord Bolton turns out to be much more friendly toward them than everyone expected. Jaime gets some crude surgery to have all the gross dead flesh scraped off his arm stump, but he refuses to have his arm cut off. Hey, you don't want to lose an arm like that. I hear he has a right elbow which people come miles to see. Then Jaime interrupts Brienne in a giant bath, which means we get to see both characters naked from behind. We also hear Jaime's explanation for why he killed the Mad King Aerys Targaryen. It's a good scene!
Quick hits! Up north, Jon Snow has been forced to give up some information about the Night's Watch defenses so that he can maintain his cover. He's also lured into a cave where he has sex with Ygritte, but there wasn't much force involved. More mouth stuff than she's used to, though. At Riverrun, the Karstarks kill the two young Lannisters that Robb was holding as hostages, so Robb has to make a stand. He executes Lord Karstark, which makes him look very stern but also makes him lose half of his army. So he has to come up with a new battle plan, which is to attack Casterly Rock. And Stannis Baratheon is still at Dragonstone, where he turns out to have a daughter with a skin disease. She sneaks down to the dungeon to see Davos so she can teach him to read.
In King's Landing, the Tyrells and Lannisters step up their political squabbling. Tyrion has to ask Olenna Tyrell to pay for half of the royal wedding. And she agrees, although not before zinging him mercilessly. Cersei tells Littlefinger to find out what the Tyrells are planning, and he promptly gets a boy into bed with Loras. Armed with the knowledge that the Tyrells want to marry Loras to Sansa, Tywin steps in. He's going to have Loras marry Cersei instead! And Sansa? Oh, she gets to marry Tyrion. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Last week: "Dracarys!"
This week: let's see who's left in the credits, shall we? King's Landing, that makes sense. There are a lot of people there. Harrenhal, I guess so. That's where Jaime and Brienne were being taken. Riverrun, sure. Robb and Catelyn are still there. Winterfell, I don't know about. No one's been there for some time. I guess there's a chance that Theon's there, but you'd think he'd recognize the place. The Wall can be a stand-in for the characters to the north, I guess. And we whoosh across the sea to... Yunkai! It's just north of Astapor, still on the shore of Slaver's Bay. Update your personal maps accordingly.
"Lord, cast your light upon us." Ah. Thoros appears to be some kind of fanatic. He's praying to the Brotherhood's campfire, which I guess is the stand-in for the Lord of Light. Thoros prays for the Lord of Light to strike Sandor Clegane down if he's guilty, but give him strength if he's true. His prayer ends with words we've heard before: "For the night is dark and full of terrors." Sandor will be fighting Beric Dondarrion, who doesn't get a shout-out in Thoros's prayer. Thoros cuts Beric's palm, then hands him a sword. Beric touches the sword to his wounded hand, and the sword suddenly erupts into flame. Neat! Sandor also gets a sword and shield, but they're not as cool. He's definitely behind on style points.
The fight is characterized by large men swinging large swords at each other. Except one of the swords is on fire, which doesn't freak Sandor as much as I thought it would. After all, fire freaks him out so much that it made him leave King's Landing. I also like to think he just got fed up with the whole war. He doesn't even lose control when the course of the fight results in him stumbling into the fire itself. This is a small cave, so men (and Arya) are constantly stumbling out of the way. Sandor is a huge man, so he's able to chop Beric's shield in two. But then Beric starts attacking more strongly and Sandor's shield catches on fire. That seems suboptimal. He fights Beric off, and then has to waste some time hitting his own shield to put out the fire. Beric ends up on his knees, holding up his flaming sword to protect himself. And Sandor chops all the way through it and into Beric. The flaming sword is broken in two and Sandor's sword drives at least a foot through Beric's shoulder and into his chest. Beric falls.
Thoros runs over and starts praying over Beric's body. Arya grabs a knife and runs at Sandor, but she's pulled away, which is probably good news for her since no matter how angry she is, she's still maybe a quarter of Sandor's size. Sandor comments that their god must like him more than her "butcher's boy." Arya yells, "Burn in hell!" And Beric says, "He will. but not today." Hey, didn't he die in the last paragraph? Trial by combat seems like it has lower stakes if you have a combatant who doesn't stay dead. Oh, and his shoulder got fixed so now it's attached to his chest properly.
To the Snow! As in Jon Snow, who is carrying bundles of wood through actual snow when he's stopped by Tormund Giantsbane. That's a fancy name, but really, he's just a big guy with a red beard. Orell says there are crows patrolling the Wall, which shouldn't come as a surprise. That's what they do! Jon has to give up some information to make it look like he's not still with the Night's Watch, and he says there are two builders and two rangers in each patrol. The builders repair the wall and the rangers, you know, range. There's no fixed schedule, although Jon thinks he could help more if he knew where they were going. Tormund won't tell him, because he still doesn't trust him. Orell asks how many of the nineteen castles are manned. Jon says there are only three: Castle Black... and then he pauses for a long time. Eventually, he says the other two are Eastwatch-by-the-Sea and the Shadow Tower. Ooh! I want to work at the Shadow Tower! That sounds pretty cool. I'm also pretty excited at the news that there are sixteen unoccupied castles out there. You could just go live in a castle that no one else wants! The Wall is a lot like Detroit. Jon says there are a thousand people at Castle Black and Orell calls him a liar. So Jon threatens to kill him and wonders what happens to his eagle after Orell dies. Does it just fall to the ground or does it fly away? Well, that depends on whether it's following the rules of Familiars or if it's just a regular eagle that Orell occasionally possesses. Ygritte steps forward to defend Jon and Orell tells her, "Just cause you want him inside you doesn't make him one of us." Ygritte pulls her knife. Tormund shoves Orell aside (he's really not that intimidating) and tells Jon that he likes him, but that won't stop him from pulling Jon's guts out through his throat. That doesn't sound very efficient. Jon repeats himself: "A thousand men." Tormund is willing to accept this for the moment, but he doesn't seem like he really believes Jon: "We'll find out soon enough." Thanks to Futurama, I can't hear that sentence without immediately answering, "That's not soon enough!"
Ygritte walks away. Jon whines that he doesn't need Ygritte to defend him. "Of course you do," she tells him. And she's right! She claims he owes her a debt, then she steals his sword and runs into a cave. It's a nice cave, too! There's a waterfall and a hot springs and everything. I can't believe everyone's out there in the snow with this right to them. She sticks a torch in the ground and tells him it's time for him to start breaking his Night's Watch vows. Specifically, the vow against sexy-making. Then she gets naked. Owoo. He tells her, "We shouldn't." She answers, "We should." She kisses him. This is a reasonably consensual sex scene! Good for you, television show. She asks, "Why are you still dressed? You know nothing, Jon Snow." Then she gets distracted by something he's doing below the screen. With... um, with his mouth. Use your imagination. Jon certainly is.
Later, she asks if that's something they do south of the Wall. She enjoyed it! Then she makes fun of him for being a maid. She wasn't, of course. Her first time was with a boy with red hair, which she describes as being "kissed by fire." See, you thought the title "Kissed by Fire" was about all that fire in Sandor's trial by combat, but really it's just about hair. And also, there was some kissing in here. Ygritte starts talking about another well-built boy, and Jon shuts that line of conversation down but quick. Jon wants to go back to the rest of the group, but Ygritte's got other plans. She asks how long it's been since he had a bath. I was trying not to think about that aspect of it! And really, there's no way to ask that question right after sex and not have it sound pretty judgmental. She jumps into the hot springs and they kiss. She wants to stay in the cave longer. In fact, she says, "I don't ever want to leave this cave, Jon Snow. Not ever." I'm not sure that's practical. But it does look pretty nice down there. It's like this cave is the Honeymoon Suite.
Back to the Brotherhood's cave, which is significantly less luxurious. Sandor is free to go! And the Brotherhood has given him a note saying he'll receive his gold back when the war is over. His response is pretty calm, actually: "Piss on that! You're nothing but thieves!" They don't really disagree with him on that topic, although they prefer the word "outlaws." Arya protests that he's a murderer, but they feel the Lord of Light has made his opinion clear. A sack is thrown over Sandor's head and he's off. Arya fumes.
Brienne and Jaime are ridden into Harrenhal to see Lord Bolton. He's the one that currently holds Harrenhal for Robb; the Lannisters have given Harrenhal to Littlefinger, but they don't really control the castle. Bolton comments that Jaime's lost a hand, and the perky captor points out that it's not really lost: It's around his neck where he can't lose it! Jaime looks sad and mud-covered. Bolton tells the perky captor to take the hand away. Then he yells at him for being too perky. Brienne is cut free. She knows her manners: "Thank you. My lord." Bolton says to find their guests some rooms. Then he tells Jaime what's been going on in the war while he's been out of contact. Stannis attacked King's Landing! "And your sister... how can I put this? Your sister... is alive and well. Your father's forces prevailed." That doesn't seem like it was that difficult to phrase. Jaime falls to his knees again. Bolton says, "Ser Jaime isn't well. Take him to Qyburn."
Qyburn is a healer and former maester. We met him briefly when Robb first took Harrenhal; he was the barely-alive witness to the brutality. He unwraps Jaime's stump, and it is gross in a way that recalls the work of a young Tom Savini. Qyburn recommends cutting off the entire arm, but Jaime doesn't like that. He suddenly redirects the conversation to why Qyburn doesn't have his chain anymore. The explanation does not inspire confidence: "The Citadel stripped me of it. They found some of my experiments... too bold." Great! Qyburn continues talking about where to cut and Jaime explains that he doesn't need his right hand to kill him. So Qyburn concedes that he could just cut away the rotten flesh and burn out the infection with boiling wine. Jaime declines the milk of the poppy, which is the obnoxious phrase this show uses for opium. Just call it opium, George R.R. Martin. Qyburn warns Jaime, "There will be pain." Jaime says, "I'll scream." Qyburn ups the ante: "Quite a lot of pain." Jaime grits his teeth and says, "I'll scream loudly." I liked that exchange because Jaime sounded a great deal like Tyrion. It's the same cadence. So we're off. Qyburn grabs a garden weasel and starts digging out the flesh. Jaime breathes heavily and glares at him. Qyburn gets some pliers and starts picking at the exposed tendons and stuff. Jaime screams. This is some great makeup, by which I mean it's really hard to look at.
King's Landing. Cersei asks Littlefinger for a favor. She's concerned about the Tyrells, probably because they're all awesome and are starting to outshine the Lannister cool. Littlefinger asks if she's shared her suspicions with Lord Tywin. No, because Tywin would prefer facts. She simultaneously threatens and cajoles Littlefinger into helping her. He promises to do his best and she fires back, "And your best will prove better than when I asked you to locate Arya Stark." He assures her that it will. It's not really his fault he couldn't find Arya. It's a big country, and she's tiny and sneaky.
Uh oh! A scene between Tyrion Lannister and Olenna Tyrell! This is going to be great! Everybody get comfortable. Olenna opens the sally by telling Pod not to speak. And also get her some figs to help move her bowels. Tyrion says he'd like to talk about finances for the royal wedding, which Olenna immediately finds tiring. Tyrion says the plans for the wedding are extravagant, and Olenna scores first blood: "What good is the word 'extravagant' if it can't be used to describe a royal wedding?" It's a good point. Tyrion says he understands that (Olenna: "Good.") but they're at war. Olenna claims it had completely slipped her mind. Then she rattles off specific numbers: The Tyrells have supplied 12,000 infantrymen, 1,800 mounted lancers, 2,000 more people in support and ever so many provisions. There were 20,000 head of cattle. And more! Tyrion claims that they are necessary for the survival of the realm, and she explains the people need distractions or they'll create their own. "And their distractions are likely to end with us being torn to pieces." She prefers a royal wedding to that, so it's also necessary for the survival of the realm. And royal weddings are traditionally paid for by the royal family. She tells him, "I was told you were drunk, impertinent and thoroughly debauched. You can imagine my disappointment at finding nothing but a browbeaten bookkeeper." Tyrion has no answer. The figs show up and she says she'll pay for half the expenses. Tyrion will take it! She gets up: "Very well, then. That's settled. Good day." Olenna leaves. Completely beaten, Tyrion takes a fig. I'm pretty disappointed in Tyrion's performance in that scene. Olenna didn't even seem to be trying all that hard.
Back to the Brotherhood. Gendry is fixing Beric's armor because he's decided to stay with them. Arya is outraged, because this is not a safe place to hide out. The Lannisters, she insists, will find this place and kill him! Gendry points out that the Lannisters were trying to kill him already. And the Brotherhood needs good men. Arya protests that Robb also needs good men, but Gendry is sick of serving people. He feels that Beric is the leader of brothers, so it doesn't quite count as serving him. He says, "I never had a family." Arya pleads, "I can be your family." He answers, "You wouldn't be my family. You'd be my lady." I'm not sure what point he's making here, but it gets Arya to leave. So Gendry is staying here while Arya gets taken away. Arya's sidekicks are doing pretty well at staying alive so far!
The two Lannister boy hostages are sleeping when there's a commotion outside. Men burst into the room and stab the guard. One of the Lannisters asks, "Is this a rescue?" Good question! The shout of "Lannister filth!" makes me think that it isn't. Also the way one of the kids gets stabbed. Now I don't feel too bad that I didn't bother learning their names.
So now they're both dead. Someone brought the two bodies and laid them out for Robb to look at. Robb and Talisa look stern. So does Catelyn. Robb commands, "Bring them in." It's Lord Richard Karstark and a bunch of other men. Robb says, "It took five of you to murder two unarmed squires." Karstark feels that being a Lannister means he gets to kill you. Robb thinks he can shame them by telling Karstark to look at the dead children. It doesn't work like that, because Karstark can redirect the conversation to what he thinks is the real issue: Catelyn letting Jaime Lannister go. In his opinion, freeing a Lannister is treason, while killing them is just standard war-as-usual. And he appears to be losing respect for Robb, since he tells his guards, "Leave me to the king. He wants to give me a scolding before he sets me free. That's how he deals with treason, our King in the North. Or should I call him The King Who Lost the North?" Well, now Robb has to do something, so he tells the guards, "Escort Lord Karstark to the dungeon. Hang the rest." One of them protests that he only watched, so he gets hanged last. So he can watch the others die, get it? Robb sure zinged that guy pretty good, huh? I bet he'll be pretty chagrined during those extra five minutes he's alive.
With that out of the way, Robb goes to his war table. That's what I'm calling the table where he's got his little wooden soldiers set up. Talisa looks concerned. An advisor says they can't let word get out about the Lannister kids dying, since the Lannisters pay their debts. Robb says Karstark has to die, because he's trying to be a good and just king. Catelyn says the Karstarks will abandon them. Talisa says more boys will die until the war is over, so she's in favor of trying to keep the Karstarks around so they're a more effective army, even if it means these two particular kids go unmourned. Everyone recommends keeping Karstark as a hostage to force his family to keep good behavior, which is an overused idea. And it never works. Did the Lannisters keep "good behavior" when Robb had Jaime? Does Robb keep "good behavior" just because the Lannisters have Sansa? Don't be silly. Robb thinks about his options.
Lord Karstark is brought outside on a rainy day. He sneers at Robb, "The blood of the first men flows through my veins as much as yours, boy." He points out that he's fought for Starks multiple times. Robb says that won't save him. Karstark answers, "I don't want it to save me. I want it to haunt you to the end of your days." Ooh! Are we going to have ghosts? I hope we do! Karstark bends down, and Robb sentences him to die. He gets more last words, though: "Kill be and be cursed! You are no king of mine." Well, okay. Robb raises his sword. Chop! Good clean cut. There goes his head. It's nice to see Robb learned something from Ned Stark.
"Joffrey. Cersei. Ilyn Payne. Ser Meryn. The Hound." Arya is repeating the people she wants to kill. Meryn is the one who came to arrest her and probably killed Syrio. Thoros tells her they're going to go to Riverrun, where she will be turned over to Robb, and Robb will make a large contribution to the cause. She thinks she's a hostage who's going to be sold. Thoros admits that she's basically correct, but that makes it sound so sordid. Beric comes in with his eyepatch and asks if he frightens her. She says he does not, although she has a question: "I thought he killed you." Beric answers, "He did." Oh. Apparently Thoros brings him back from the dead. Thoros clarifies that the Lord of Light is the one that does it, while he's just "the lucky drunk" who says the words. Turns out Beric has been brought back from the dead six times, counting this one. One of those times was when the Lannisters executed him for treason, stabbing him in the eye and hanging him. So that explains the eyepatch, I guess. This was the second time a Clegane killed him (Sandor's brother Gregor a.k.a. The Mountain was the first man to strike him down), and they think the family should get the message eventually. Beric now helps explain some of the ground rules: "Every time I come back, I'm a bit less. Pieces of you get chipped away." Arya asks if Thoros could bring back a man without a head. Nope, he says. So she won't be getting her father back. Beric adds, "I would never wish my life upon him." Arya would happily trade Beric away to have Ned back. I'm sure Ned would just find some honorable way to blunder into getting himself killed again.
Stannis's wife Selyse is warming her hands at a fire and saying worrying things about burning away her sins. She's another follower of the Lord of Light, so that's another possible meaning for "Kissed by Fire" here! The door opens and Stannis comes in. He tells Selyse he's been busy and Melisandre has already told her that. I'm kind of surprised Melisandre is spending time talking to the wife of the guy she has a creepy shadow-baby with. But Selyse is a True Believer. She tells Stannis his claim is true, so he'll be victorious. And he's the One God's champion, which should also help. He tells her he's broken a sacred vow. He's sinned and wronged her. She doesn't care, because he's doing god's work. And anyway, Melisandre told her everything. I bet that was a weird conversation. But Selyse believes that things you do for the lord of light can't be a sin. In fact, she says, "When she told me, I wept with joy." She was very happy to learn about the shadow baby. Oh! She has three fetuses in jars! And she talks to them as her "sweet boys." They have names, but I'm not going to write them down as I'm almost positive they're not going to have large roles in the show. She says, "I thank god every day for bringing Melisandre to us. She gave you a son. I gave you nothing." Stannis says that isn't true, because it turns out they have a daughter. And he's here to see her. Well, that's nice, I guess.
Stannis's daughter is named Shireen. She lives in what appears to be a prison cell, but it's a big one with windows. She's singing a pretty song about the things under the sea. It's from a book! And even though she's imprisoned, she's quite pleased to see her father. We see that she has some kind of skin condition covering the side of her face. She's still a cute kid, though. Sandor Clegane gets to walk around a free man and his face is way more jacked up. Stannis tells Shireen that he didn't win his battle. She asks if the Onion Knight (that's Davos) came back. He has, but Stannis says he didn't bring her a present. She keeps talking about how much she likes the Onion Knight and shows off a little boat he gave her. Finally, Stannis has to tell her that he threw Davos into a dungeon cell for being a traitor. Then he looks a little uncomfortable and tells her, "Best forget him." Good parenting, Stannis!
Brienne is in a giant tub, which probably feels great at this point. And it's the second bathing scene we've had in this episode, which makes a nice counterpoint to all the fire references. Jaime walks in and announces he needs a bath. He's helped off with his robe and he dismisses the boy who was helping him. Brienne looks uncomfortable, and that's before she realizes that he's getting into the same tub she's in. Although I should point out that it's like twenty feet across. Jaime gets into the tub, and there's a long shot of his butt. It's important to catalog these things. He assures her he's not interested and asks her to pull him out if he faints. He does kind of look like he's barely keeping himself above the surface. She asks why she should bother saving him, and he points out that she's still technically bound by her vow to get him to King's Landing. And she hasn't done a great job of protecting him so far, so he digs at her a little: "No wonder Renly died with you guarding him." She stands up, outraged. Now you get to see her naked from behind. Jaime apologizes (after looking at her for awhile, as you do) and admits that she guarded him better than most could have. He adds, "I'm sick of fighting. Let's call a truce." She's reluctant. He says he trusts her and she sits back into the water. He says he recognizes her expression: no one trusts him. He mopes about his various epithets: "Kingslayer. Oathbreaker. Man Without Honor." Geez, you kill one Mad King and people never let you forget it. So Jaime launches into the story of why he killed Aerys "The Mad King" Targaryen. The Mad King was obsessed with wildfire, because he liked to watch people burn. Take it, Jaime: "He burnt lords he didn't like. He burnt Hands who disobeyed him. He burnt anyone who was against him Before long, half the country was against him. Aerys saw traitors everywhere. So he had his pyromancers place caches of wildfire all over the city. Beneath the Sept of Baelor and the slums of Flea Bottom Under houses, stables, taverns." Sounds like a great guy.
Oops! Jaime's still talking. "Finally, the day of reckoning came. Robert Baratheon marched on the castle after his victory on the Trident. But my father went first, the whole Lannister army at his back, promising to defend the city against the rebels." Jaime says he knew Tywin wouldn't pick the losing side, so he told Aerys to surrender. But Aerys didn't listen to Jaime or to Varys, who also recommended surrender. Instead, he listened to Grand Maester Pycelle, who told him that the Lannisters had always been true friends of the crown. So Aerys had them open the gates and Tywin sacked the city. Jaime begged Aerys to surrender: "He told me to bring him my father's head. Then he turned to his pyromancer. 'Burn them all,' he said. 'Burn them in their homes. Burn them in their beds.'" He looks up at Brienne. "Tell me, if your precious Renly commanded you to kill your own father and stand by while thousands of men, women and children burned alive, would you have done it? Would you have kept your oath then?" So Jaime killed the pyromancer. Aerys turned to flee and Jaime drove his sword into his back. Aerys kept saying, "Burn them all!" over and over again. Well, it's a catchy saying. Jaime thinks Aerys thought he'd burn the city and then rise again as a dragon. I'd say that sounds crazy, but Daenerys survived a fire, so who knows? Jaime took steps to avoid it: "I slit his throat to make sure that didn't happen." And that's how Ned Stark found them. Brienne asks why Jaime hasn't told anyone this perfectly reasonable story. Jaime figured Ned was too honorable to understand. Yeah, Ned Stark does not believe in there being a sensible reason to forsake your vows. Jaime asks, "By what right does the wolf judge the lion?" Then he breaks down and Brienne holds him. She calls for help for the Kingslayer. He whispers, "Jaime. My name's Jaime."
Good scene! I may actually be a little sympathetic toward Jaime Lannister at this point. But that might be because he's still all bearded and miserable. Get him shined up like in the first season and we'll see.
Davos is wakened in his cell by Shireen. His cell is not as nice as hers. And he probably can't roam around the castle, the way she's doing. He tells her to go back to her room. She asks if he's a traitor and he says he did disobey her father. She's here because she was worried he might get bored in his cell. So she brought him a book about Aegon Targaryen, who used to live at Dragonstone. She likes Aegon because he had dragons! But there's a problem: Davos can't read. She offers to teach him to read, promising that it'll be fun. This kid is the most cheerfully optimistic character in the entire series. Davos doesn't think this is a good idea, but she has an excellent point: "What will they do? Lock us in cells?" Good question! So they begin with the letters that make up the word "Aegon." The book is called "An History of Aegon the Conqueror and his Conquest of Westeros." That sounds like heavy work for Davos's first book.
Soldiers walk in single file. That doesn't narrow it down, because pretty much every army we've seen tends to walk in single file. Even the wildlings north of the Wall do that. But this group in particular is the Unsullied, which ought to mean they're in Yunkai (as seen in the opening credits). But they don't seem to be anywhere in particular, so maybe they're just on their way there. I guess it would have been impractical to load everybody onto that one boat Daenerys had. Jorah and Selmy reminisce about Thoros of Myr and his flaming sword. Jorah remembers being knighted and just needing to piss after sixteen hours in full armor. Selmy says Robert was a great warrior and a terrible king. He states his character goal: "Just once in my life, before it's over I want to know what it's like to serve with pride. To fight for someone I believe in." Jorah says he believes in Daenerys. I kind of do, too, since she's the only one with dragons.
Speaking of Daenerys, she meets with the officers that the Unsullied selected from amongst themselves. She tells them they're free men now and asks if they've selected their leader. They have! She has him remove his helmet. His name is "Grey Worm." Missandei explains they all get new names when they're cut. Names like Grey Worm, Red Flea and Black Rat. Basically names of vermin. Daenerys tells them they can choose their own names. She wants them to throw away their slave names and pick new ones. They can go with the names their parents gave them or pick new ones. This is a great opportunity to rebrand yourself as "Steve Awesome" or something. Grey Worm says he actually likes the name "Grey Worm." Here's his logic: "It is a lucky name. The name this one was born with was cursed. That was the name he had when he was taken as a slave. But Grey Worm is the name this one had the day Daenerys Stormborn set him free." Well... I guess. I still like "Steve Awesome," though.
Back to Selmy and Jorah. Selmy says he wasn't on the small council when it was decided that Daenerys should die. Jorah was the person who was spying on her for Varys, which directly resulted in the attempts on her life, but he doesn't mention that here. The reason Selmy wasn't on the small council is that Robert didn't like that Selmy fought for the Mad King. Unlike Jaime, Selmy stayed true to his Kingsguard duties even when Aerys was clearly crazy. Jorah says he doesn't like the world of politics, because it's full of people worrying about backstabbing. Selmy says Jorah's reputation in Westeros has suffered. Jorah says that makes sense, because he sold men into slavery. Selmy says he's not sure Jorah's presence will help "our cause" when they roll back into Westeros. Jorah doesn't trust Selmy: "You're not Lord Commander here. You're just another exile. And I take my orders from the queen." So they're not getting along. Make a note.
Robb looks at his war table and he appears to have been doing this for awhile. Talisa would like him to come to bed. He's concerned, since the Karstarks have indeed withdrawn their support and gone home, taking half his army with them. So now Tywin knows he only needs to wait. Talisa says not to let him wait. So go on the attack? Where? Robb says he can't attack King's Landing. Talisa suggests going north again and taking his land back from the Greyjoys so he can wait out the winter. Robb says winter could last five years, which I still think is weird. I'd like to see the astronomy of Westeros so I can understand how a season can take more than a year. Anyway, Robb's bannermen would never ride south again once they got home. They don't have a mission anymore. Yeah, neither do you, Robb. Talisa says, "Give them a new purpose." But she doesn't know what that should be. She can't even find Winterfell on the map. He shows her and points her hand at other things, including themselves and King's Landing. Then he has an idea: "I can't force them to meet us in the field. And I can't attack them where they're strongest. But I can attack them where they're not. And Casterly Rock can't run away. I'm going to take their home away from them." Attacking Casterly Rock, huh? Well, I don't think any named characters are there at the moment, so it might be worth a try. She asks if he can do it. He thinks so, but he needs to replace the Karstarks. And the only army on the continent that's big enough to help and isn't already committed to anyone belongs to "The man whose daughter I was supposed to marry. Walder Frey." He moves a piece.
Okay. First of all, I'm very happy that we had this scene, because I've been wanting to get an update on how the war was going. I'd like it even more if we'd been allowed to see the war table and the map exactly matched the animation from the opening credits, but I guess you can't have everything. Second, if I were the controller of the only uncommitted army, I'd be really reluctant to join any side. I'd never make it big in Westeros, because my impulse would be to keep my head down and let all the real players knock themselves out against each other.
Knights spar in a field as Sansa and Margaery watch. Sansa says, "He's such a splendid fighter. Do you have any idea when we might...." Ah, so they're watching Loras Tyrell. Margaery says she'll plant the seed of Sansa marrying Loras as soon as she marries Joffrey. And she's confident that Joffrey will do anything to please her. She's quite confident in herself, isn't she?
A squire named Oliver (not "Polliver," although their names sound quite similar) comes out to give Loras a drink and help him off with his armor. He tells him, "I should like to see you spar with a proper partner, ser." The scene is them making out. There were no sex scenes last week, so I guess they needed to get their average up in this episode. I imagine the Game of Thrones showrunners are looking over their shoulders at shows like The Borgias and worrying about maintaining their lead in nudity. Loras asks how Oliver knew he'd be up for sex with a hot male squire, when his intended has no idea. Oliver (who is naked, and there's about a second of full frontal male nudity, so let someone know if you have a Bingo) answers, "They rarely do, in my experience." Then there's more making out. So the theme of this episode is either fire, water or nakedness. Take your pick, really.
Cut to: Littlefinger's chambers. Littlefinger smirks and tells Oliver it didn't take long to get in there. So Oliver has learned that the Tyrells are indeed planning to marry Loras to someone. Littlefinger wonders who the lucky girl is that Loras is intended to marry. Good plotting, Littlefinger! If he could have found Arya through being a sneaky little weasel, she'd have been tracked down immediately.
Sansa stands at one of the many picturesque outlooks and watches a ship on the water. Littlefinger comes up behind her and humblebrags that it's his. He'd always wanted a ship and now that he has one, he wants a dozen. He says her hair is different, because she's wearing it like Margaery does. She claims that lots of women are wearing their hair like this, but that probably just means that Margaery is having a lot of influence around the court. Littlefinger asks if she still wants to go home. She does! I wonder if maybe she doesn't know that Winterfell burned down. She's actually a little iffy on going home now: "But maybe it would be better to wait." She claims it would be dangerous for Littlefinger to help her and he claims to be touched. He assures her that he is her good friend. He also asks her to call him Petyr, rather than Lord Baelish. At this point, I should point out that he's using a weirdly deep and raspy voice. I think it's supposed to inspire trust, but it's a little Christian Bale-as-Batman, if you know what I mean. I mean it sounds silly. He tells her, "If you wish to stay, then of course, you will stay." He kisses her hand and leaves. I believe he has concluded two things from their conversation. First, she's falling under the influence of Margaery, as shown by her hairstyle. Second, she's much less interested in going home for some reason. And also, she's the only unattached woman at court that the Tyrells might be scheming about, so it was pretty obvious.
Tyrion carries a book into a room. Tywin says he's late. Cersei is also there, smirking at him. Tyrion, this is your chance to redeem yourself after getting massacred by Olenna. Tyrion sits at the table and announces that he saved the crown lots of money by talking to Olenna Tyrell. Tywin says, "Never mind that now. We have something important to discuss." Burn! Tyrion says that saving money is important, since he's Master of Coin. I think he means to say that he's required to pretend it's important. Cersei continues to smirk, and Tyrion says she's making him uncomfortable. Tywin gets to the point: the Tyrells are planning to marry Sansa to Loras. Tyrion makes a joke about her missing important bits. Tywin says Sansa is the key to the North, although Tyrion points out that she has an older brother. But Tywin knows that the Karstarks have marched home, so Robb's days are numbered. And Theon Greyjoy supposedly finished off Bran and Rickon, so Sansa will eventually be heir to Winterfell. Tyrion is concerned about moving against the Tyrells, since they're bankrolling the war. Tywin says the Tyrells are plotting in secret and they can't get angry if their plot is foiled. I approve of this logic. Plots aren't public knowledge! If you have plans you don't tell anyone about, you're not allowed to take offense when someone doesn't respect them. The Tyrells can't act until after Joffrey's marriage, and I think it's interesting that Joffrey isn't here. One way of dealing with the Tyrells' plot is to tell Joffrey, "Don't let Sansa marry Loras." But that would be too much work, so instead the adults are having secret meetings.
Tywin's plan is to find Sansa Stark a different husband." Tyrion says, "Wonderful." Cersei, nearly bubbling with glee, says, "Yes it is!" She's looking at Tyrion. As is Tywin. He realizes that he has been chosen: "You can't mean it." Tywin can and he does. Tyrion thinks it's cruel to Sansa to give her to him after all the things Joffrey put her through. Tywin doesn't care if Sansa is happy, and he suggests that Tyrion shouldn't care about it either. Tyrion's new job is to wed her, bed her and put a child in her. And he points out that this is technically an excellent reward for valor in battle. I guess it is. Sansa is an excellent choice on paper and Tyrion would end up with some amount of control over Winterfell.
Anyway, Tywin thinks it's time he was wed. Tyrion growls, "I was wed! Or don't you remember?" Tywin answers, "Only too well." Cersei tells Tyrion it's more than he deserves. Tywin changes topics: "Tyrion will do as he's bid. As will you." Oops! Now it's Cersei's turn: "You'll marry Ser Loras." Because he's heir to Highgarden, and this will stop anyone else from getting a piece of the Tyrells. Cersei is in instant panic and says she won't. Tyrell has had enough of this: "Yes you will. You're still fertile. You need to marry again and breed." Cersei expresses the opinion that she's Queen Regent, not a brood mare. Well, Tywin is engaging in some old-school dynasty-building here. Allegiances backed up with marriages are historically proven. He tells Cersei, "You're my daughter! You will do as I command and you will marry Loras Tyrell. And put an end to the disgusting rumors about you once and for all." She's reduced to pleading for mercy: "Father, don't make me do it again, please." I think Loras would actually be a pretty good husband for her. They could be beards for each other. She could even keep having sex with Lannisters, as long as she has the sense to dye her kids' hair this time. Tywin is in no mood to soothe her, so he stands up and says, with great contempt, "My children. You've disgraced the Lannister name for far too long." See, that's what I was talking about last week. He probably thinks everything would be going fine if his children would just quit being stupid. He leaves. Tyrion and Cersei probably wish they didn't hate each other so they could commiserate. But they do, so they stare in opposite directions.
The closing-credits song is Shireen singing about what it's like under the sea. It feels a little like the opening to the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, with young Elizabeth Swann singing the Pirates song.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.
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